01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

'Previously on The Marriage Of Reason And Squalor...'

An ode to the sun's immensity.

The sun's immensity dreams of lapsing back into zero.

My scorched eyes weeping.

Each blink a little death.

Beneath the shadow of the looming obscenity and headlong into dread, the hideous, formless horror of mine own death looks down and smiles.

It claws me back.

I laugh.

Ha-ha.

Smile, Lydia, and say cheese!

Say Algernon. Say Algernon Hertz.

Oh, Lydia, what would your consultant surgeon say if he saw you like that?

Too bad he doesn't exist, otherwise you could give him some of these pretty pictures!

Oh, look at me, I'm Chlamydia.

Oh, Chlamydia Love, and my imaginary boyfriend is called Algernon.

Say hello to Algernon!

Hello, Algernon!

And Chlamydia in Greek means...
Contagiously popular.

Algernon!

What does she expect inviting us to her hen party? Fake hen party.

To celebrate her make-believe marriage.

To an imaginary man.

Who's going to give her her own tropical island!

'Come closer.'

'Closer.'

'Chlamydia moistened her... her fun hole with the tip of her glosser and blushed in reciprocation of the male biology... parading its fitness before her. Poor old Algernon was nowhere to be seen and Helmut's mitts were all over her like a rash, his busy mouth... nibbling and biting and biting and nibbling and, ohhh, licking and, ohhh, scratching oh so selfishly as though he was busy... burying a great big bone.'

Oh, my God, she's only bloody cheating on Algernon!

Oh, Lydia! How could you? What is the point in having an imaginary boyfriend if you're just gonna cheat on him?

Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!

I am getting married.

And I'm not cheating.

I'm not.

'Come. Come.'

My head.

Well, it's your own bloody fault.

I know. I know.

I'm sorry. I am sorry.

Well, you should be.

I am.

I am.

Good.

Not you.

Oh, God. Water.

My face!

What's happened to my face?

Algernon told me to stay out of the sun.

Why would you send me to a tropical island if you wanted me to stay out of the sun?

That doesn't matter now because we've ruined all of his hard work.

It'll be fine.

Ruined!

Shut up!

Just shut up!

Where is it?

Where is the cream?

I must have brought my cream!

Harbour.

'A forlorn howl carries on the wind beyond the domain of the beast's territorial influence. In the dead of night, devoid of daytime due, stagnant perfume stenches the air. The jungle shivers. The ocean's ragged edge splinters into the infinite fractals that make up its fluid motion. The world whirls and the demented moon moves. Glancing up at the human light bulb waning among the stars, Chlamydia wonders what earthly distance from Moras would be enough for her to forget Helmut.'

Captain Oceanic! Captain, please! It's Chlamydia, I need your help!

So...

You want to leave the island, then?

I don't want to. I have to!

You have to, eh?

Well, well.

Look, Captain, I wouldn't ask if I wasn't serious.

Can you see my face?

I need to get back to Algernon.

Al...gernon?

Yes, my fiance.

Herr... Dr Algernon Hertz?

Yes. We're getting married. I can't possibly get married looking like this.

You think you got a problem?

Your good doctor, Algernon Hertz, he did this... to me!

Dr Hertz is a numero uno surgical genius, no?

I...

The patron saint of the scalpel, ja?

You know, he saved my life from death, ja!

Was a miracle!

The tumour was the size of the human fist! Look!

Hey! He-he-he-hey! He-he-he-hey!

So, the Dr Hertz saved your life, too, hey? No.

Well, yes, but...

It's, er, how you meet the good doctor, no?

It wasn't like that.

You must be crazy... for the special touch... of... Herr Dr Consultant Hertz, too!

I hurt!

Captain!

I just... need... you to tell me... are you going to take me from the island or not?

Ohhhhh-K.

I'll do it.

I'll take you. First light.

The weather bitch permitting!

Where are you going?

The island of Moras is no place to be wandering about at night!

Oh!

Mwah! Mwah!

'The tumultuous black sky loomed above the volcanic crag, it looming over the swaying black jungle below. Everything black loomed, woven into the very fabric of Chlamydia's anxiety. Captain Oceanic's words swirled like a vortex that would not flush.'

I've run out of cream.

Welcome, my child.

Welcome.

Welcome!

I... Wait!

Aren't they lovely?

Put me down! Just put me down!

So beautiful.

So beautiful.

No! No! No! Maman Terreblanche!

'I'm so, so, so sorry, Chlamydia.'

'Well, you should be, Lydia!'

'We are!'

We are!

Lydia.

Lydia.

Lydia, can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Lydia.

There.

There, that's better.

That's a good girl.

Good girl, Lydia.

That's better.

Oh, Algernon.

You came.