04x17 - Wheeler w*r

[bunniefuu]

This is so weird.

It's not poker night without Dave.

I can't believe he's gone.

I know. I just saw him last week and he looked so happy.

Life's fragile, man.

One day you're walking around without a care in the world and then suddenly, poof, it's over.

When is Dave's wedding anyways?

You know, I was going to take Emma for the night, but how about I take the three of you instead?

Why don't I sit in?

If by "sit in" you mean make me a sandwich, I'll take ham.

Come on! Why can't I play?

This is like your dad's game all over again.

I always wanted to play but they would never let me.

Of course, now I know why.

Talk about a table full of queens and no straights.

Or maybe it's because you don't know how to play.

Oh really?

Maybe you're forgetting all those times I left you in your stroller at the Indian Casino!

Besides, we do family game night together every month. Why can't we add poker?

Oh, hell no!

My chips, my cards, my rules.

And rule number one is no boobs allowed.

You know, other than these two.

Oh, we'll see about that.

Will we?

Oh, we will!

Yeah, that's right. You better run.

(Bonnie yelling)

Bonnie: I'm right behind you!

Should we help him?

Nah.

Wanna see if the game's on?

Yeah.

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change direction ♪

Baby Daddy - 04x17 Wheeler w*r Oh. Ben. Hi. Hey. Hi.

Hey Riles. Mr. Perrin.

Ben, this is Ross.

Remember? My boss.

Oh my god. My bad.

I just looked up and I thought I saw your dad for a minute.

How's it going, Ross?

Ironically, you're the only dad here.

Well, I guess I should get going. See you tonight?

Oh, you know what, I'm sorry. I can't. I have this thing.

"This thing?" You mean family game night?

Game night? I like the sound of that.

Oh, dude, it's awesome.

We get together once a month and play games until someone cries or passes out.

Then somebody wakes up at a bus depot in a wheelbarrow.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

It sounds fun. Can outsiders join?

Sure, yeah. Of course. The more the merrier.

Fantastic. Then I'll see you both later.

Yay.

All right? Later.

Oh my god, Ben. What is wrong with you?

What are you talking about? You'd think you'd be happy. I'm making an effort.

Uh, yeah, making an effort to annoy me.

Hey, I didn't say what kind of effort.

Are you trying to keep Ross away from us or something?

Yes. That is exactly what I am trying to do.

Ben, please. I really like this guy, but something happens to sweet, innocent men when they hang out with you people.

Riley, calm down. I think you're overreacting a little.

It's not like we're a bunch of neanderthals.

(Cheering)

Stop it. Oh, come on!

So, Danny, I don't want to sway your opinion but what do you think of this Ross guy?

You know, other than he's totally not right for Riley on any level whatsoever.

What do you care? You're not still interested, are you?

I don't know, man. I guess I just hated how it ended.

I think I pretty much drove her away.

I just couldn't let go of the thought that she was in love with you.

And you were in love with her.

Riley in love with me?

Me in love with Riley? Wow... that's you know, wow.

I'm pretty sure that's why she finally broke up with me.

(Glass breaks)

Dude, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Wait...

She broke up with you? I thought you broke up with her.

Not that I care. Who cares? I know I don't.

I had this completely insane thought that she was going to go running into your arms.

But she ran right past you into Ross', and you've been dating half of Manhattan so...

Once again, well done, Ben. Wrong on all accounts.

I just wish Ross would go away so I could see if there was still something there. You know?

I might be wrong but she seems pretty happy with him, and he's pretty different from you.

Oh my god, Danny, you're a genius.

What better way to get rid of somebody than to make them more like me.

But didn't she just break up with the me that is you?

Dude, you're over-thinking it, okay? This is going to be great.

Especially now that I know the two of you have no feelings for each other whatsoever.

(Glass breaks)

Dude, what's the matter with you?

One hand. If I win, you let me in the poker game.

If you win, I leave and never mention it again.

You had me at "you leave."

All right, I'll take two.

I'm good.

Three of a kind. Read 'em and weep.

And by weep I mean get the hell out.

Ooh, have you met the king and his family?

Royal flush, baby!

No luck for the tuck tuck.

I will see you at the next poker night, Lieutenant Loser.

My dry cleaner has a serious gambling problem.

Knock, knock. Ross?

Oh, hey, Riley. Just playing a little poker with the guys.

Hey, look at this, my two ladies just b*at these three ladies.

(Chattering)

Hey, hey, Ross?

I can't reach something on the top shelf in the kitchen cabinet.

I'm not sure what I need so can you just take it down?

I'll be right back, guys.

(All together) Boom, boom, boom, boom!

Thanks, honey, you're the greatest. Okay, hurry back.

Oh my god. What the hell are you doing?

I said that I didn't want you hanging out together and, uh, this is the opposite of that.

Hey, if Ross wants to hang out with us, maybe he's not the guy you think he is.

Hey, what's going on?

Ooh, are we voting a member out of the group?

I vote Tucker. No, Riley. No, Tucker. Oh man, this is so hard.

No, they are hijacking my relationship with Ross.

Oh, I like him.

He's a lot better than the last guy you dated.

That was me, mom.

Again, I really like Ross.

They let him play poker.

(Gasps)

You let that newbie play and not me?

Oh, dimples gots to go!

You know what, for once, I agree with Mrs. Wheeler.

And it pains me, deeply, to say that.

Sorry, but I'm not going to dis-invite my new friend.

Uh-uh. No way. Not happening.

You know what, I think it is. And you want to know why?

Because I am going to play you for him.

Play me for him. How are we...

One...

Oh, you wouldn't.

Two...

Three, four...

Riley, think about what you're saying!

I declare a Wheeler w*r!

(Groans)

(Thuds)

Is that bad? 'Cause it sounds bad.

Yo mama is on the floor.

Wait. I'm a little confused.

I'm sorry, a Wheeler what?

Hey, man, don't ask.

If we stay silent and don't make eye contact maybe they won't realize we're here.

You, my friend, are about to participate in a very rare sporting event.

A Wheeler w*r.

Called on a not-so-very-regular basis to decide important life decisions.

We've used it to settle all family disputes.

I only lost once.

God, I really only wanted one kid.

I actually wanted a little sister. We kinda both lost that year.

Well, what dispute are you settling this time?

It's...

Ah...

Well I'll tell you what I'm playing for.

Bonnie's right to join poker night.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that sounds good.

Wait, what? We are? Oh, now I give a crap. You're going down.

Um, not really sure this is the important life decision you think it is but, okay.

Now that a Wheeler w*r has been decreed, first things first.

We choose team captains.

Okay. How do we do that?

(Together) I call captain.

Like that.

I pick Ross.

Ah, okay! Well, I pick Danny.

Uh, Tucker.

Ugh, god, this is so hard.

Damn it.

I'm the only one left.

Okay, fine. I'll take Mrs. Wheeler.

So, it looks like it's team...

Bucker-Ross vs. Team Bo-Riny.

Wait, are we gonna get t-shirts with that name on it?

Because I won't wear that.

Dude, this is gonna work out perfect.

Riley calls for the Wheeler w*r and we get rid of Ross.

And you know as well as I do, that's one couple that isn't meant to be together.

I'm just moving the process along. But will I get thanked? Probably not.

Ben, just because you get rid of Ross doesn't mean that Riley is going to run back to you.

I mean, what if she wants to be with someone else?

And what if someone else wants to be with her?

I think you should just let nature take it's course.

Screw nature.

You're gonna throw the first game for me.

Is that a thr*at?

No, it's a plea.

I really need this.

Don't you want to see me and Riley back together?

Yes, so much.

This is going to be great. I was actually quite the athlete back in college.

Really?

What? We've talked about this. Golf is a sport.

If you say so, honey.

But, actually, I was hoping...

That maybe you could throw the first game for me?

Wow, you must really want Bonnie to play poker.

I really, really do.

It would just, it would mean a lot to me.

Then it looks like I'm losing the first game.

How serious do these games get anyway?

Well, let's just say that someone's pinky once had to be surgically reattached.

But I think it looks pretty good, right?

Come on, Ross!

Come on, Danny!

Let's go, buddy! Yeah!

Oh my god, what is wrong with Danny? How could Ross be in the lead?

Hey, come on! Danny would never cheat.

Wait, you weren't saying that were you?

No.

Here they come, let's go!

Ooh, I think I hear them!

Yes! Come on, Ross! Let's go, baby!

How can we be losing?

Leg cramp!

Oh, yes!

What?

Yes! Yes!

Ross, what the hell happened to you?

I'm really sorry, man. Old golf injury.

Golf's not a sport!

Oh, never mind me, you know. I'll just heal out here.

What the hell? You were supposed to throw the game.

I tried. I stopped to tie my shoes twice.

Fine. Then you're going to have to throw the next one.

That's not the deal.

Don't you want to win Riley's heart fair and square? I know I do... would.

If I was in your position, hypothetically.

Besides, I can't just lose. It's against the professional athlete oath.

What's that?

Don't lose.

Okay, that is ten points for team Bo-Riny.

Putting us solidly ahead of the losers, team Bucker-Ross.

All right, what game's next?

Mistress of ceremonies?

All right, Emma, please pick.

Oh!

Ah-ha.

Yes! It's the Wheelay Wace.

Danny named it when he was nine.

Soon after he started speech therapy.

Uh-oh.

Yeah, uh-oh is right.

Because Danny and I have never lost a Wheelay Wace in our wives.

Well, there's a first time for everything.

Wow, you really don't want your mom playing poker.

Oh, I don't.

Oh, I do.

Well, I'm just glad I'm not in the middle of this.

Come on, Mrs. Wheeler!

Bonnie: G... F... E...

G... F... D... C...

No, you missed a letter. Back to the roof and start over.

Damn it!

A!

All right, now you just need to stack it and rap it.

Go, go, go!

Danny, get your helmet on!

Okay, oh my god. I think we might actually win this round.

Which is good, right? Because I assume you want to keep Ross.

Because you guys are great, right?

Oh my god, so great.

And you're still dating Ashley, right? You guys are doing great?

So great! Maybe we should double date sometime?

Oh my god, how much fun would that be?

Ben: N... M... L...

Come on, Mrs. Wheeler.

(Rapping) If I drank all this beer then I'd probably be wasted.

Gonna stack it so high even god'll taste it.

Done!

Ben: F... E... D...

Wait, what happened to the Baton?

I got hungry. Just go!

(Together) One. Two. Three!

(Cheering)

Yeah!

Yes!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, this ain't the whole party.

(Cheering)

Sorry.

I get a little carried away sometimes.

If that was a little, I'd hate to see a lot.

Yo, maybe I don't have to win to get rid of him.

Maybe if Ross sees the real Riley, he'll get rid of her on his own.

Wait, hold up. You're not talking about unleashing Riley's ugly alter ego, Rigantor, are you?

Deep down, there is no one more competitive than Riley.

She tries to keep it under control, but you know what?

I think we owe it to Ross to show him what's really inside that...

Super cute exterior with those beautiful eyes and that kicky haircut.

You really aren't over her, are you?

Not even close.

Nice. Picks up sweat and tears.

After four rounds we are tied, 20-20.

The last competition will determine the Victor.

Emma will once again draw from the bucket for the Tie-Breaking Challenge.

Oh, oh my god. She picked one. All by herself.

All right, what is it?

Okay, well, here's an event that hasn't been seen in a while.

A Riley specialty, I believe.

I'd like to announce the return of the Great Skate!

Oh, no!

Sweet cherry pie!

I thought we banned that game.

Danny, Danny, you have to do it. I mean, you skate for a living.

How many times do I have to say this?

Ice skating and roller blading are two completely different ideologies!

What's the great skate?

It's this game that takes me back to when I used to play a lot of street hockey.

You know, like most girls did.

And, I don't know, I just... I get a little competitive.

A little? You flipped a Volkswagen.

There was a family in it.

You know, Riley, Tucker is a champion Roller Dancer.

Three time all-state.

I even have a signature move named after me. The Tuck and Duck.

You have to do it, Riley. You're a grown woman now. You can keep it in check.

Okay, fine. I guess one more time wouldn't hurt.

Yes!

Yes!

I was actually only two time all-state. I don't know why I lied.

Okay, Tucker. You remember the course. Just keep your head down.

Yeah.

Hey, if I don't make it, just get to my nightstand before my parents do.

All right, now, stay off the main streets, and remember to cut through bleecker. All right?

God, it's been so long since I've had skates on.

I'm not sure I even remember how.

But I'll give it my best sh*t.

All right, skaters, to your marks.

Now you be careful. You don't have as much padding as you used to.

And you know the rules. There are none.

May the best team win.

You don't stand a chance.

(Whistle blows)

(Cheering)

Yes! Yeah! Yeah!

(Laughing)

You suck!

Yeah!

Okay, all right. Riley-Riley, just take one from the bottom and put it on the top.

Okay, come on!

I can't believe you shut down the elevator.

You are pushing me to the brink, Perrin.

No, I'm pushing you out the door.

No, not my tower!

That's a 20 second penalty.

You'll never b*at me dobbs!

Oh, I'm pretty sure I just did.

Everyone: 15, 14, 13...

Everyone: 12... 11...

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

(Overlapping shouting)

Go, Riley, go! Yeah!

Oh, here they come. Yes! Riley caught up!

Oh my god!

Where's my goal? Where's my goal?

Oh, honey, you look so cute.

(Slow-motion) Ow!

(Slow-motion) Yes!

Hit the deck or die, boss man!

Ow!

Yes!

Yes! We've unleashed the beast!

All right, come on, Riley. Come on, come on, come on.

Yes...

(Cheering)

Yes! I did it! I won!

It was me! It was all me!

Yes! (Primal scream)

Yes!

Oh my god...

I know. You wouldn't think that amount of ugly could come out of that amount of pretty.

But don't worry, better men than you have fled.

So, no one will blame you. Nice meeting you, buddy.

That was amazing.

I don't think I've ever been more attracted to you.

Wait, what?

I haven't had this much fun since college.

Well, sorry you lost, honey, but...

I think I know how to make it up to you.

Just let me take off my skates.

Oh, no, no. Leave the skates on.

Well, I hope you're happy.

The girl of my dreams just skated away with another man.

What am I supposed to do now?

I think it's time to move on, bro.

If it was meant to be, it's meant to be.

If you love something, set it free.

Something about footprints.

Just pick one and go with it.

Well, the good news is this is the first Wheeler w*r that didn't end in the emergency room.

I'll call 911.

No, he's a Roller Dancer. He'll be fine.

Sorry, boys.

You might make, like, laundry and food.

Two pair.

Three of a kind.

Straight flush.

(Oohing)

I got nothing.

I was bluffing.

And now I'm bored. This was fun.

Oh, wait, mom. You forgot to pay up.

Wait.

You guys play this for actual money?

Jeez, lady, put some clothes on.

(Door opens, slams)

You know, I don't think that E.R. doctor knows what he's talking about.

I feel fine.