01x03 - Go Below

[bunniefuu]

Hello, there, little girl. You know, I'm about to close, but for you, sweetheart, I'll make an exception, all right?

Last haircut of the day.

No, thank you. I'm here 'cause I'm selling cookies.

Yeah, I can't hear you, sweetheart. Sorry. Would you like...

That's weird. I thought elves loved cookies.

This is ridiculous. I only made 60 bucks today.

We should start pooling tips.

I'll second that. We all need to look out for each other.

All right, listen up. I want everyone to know that you have to declare your tips as income.

I don't want the IRS coming after me for your dishonesty, which I do not condone.

Well, they wouldn't come after you.

They'd come after us.

Oh. Do whatever the hell you want.

You know, Charmaine, you'd probably get a lot more tips if you stopped insulting your customers.

I do not insult my customers. I love my customers.

Well, you do call them mcUglies.

Only the ugly ones.

I call the dumb ones "mcStupids."

Here's your cut, Joy. Thanks.

Lot of, uh, grope-y divorcees today, so good day for me, good day for you.

Here you go, Joy.

Thank you. Mm-hmm.

Oh, Mo, it looks like a wallet-sized photo of you accidentally got stuck in between the bills.

[Laughing] How'd that get in there?

You can keep it.

Here you go, Joy. Thanks.

Guys, this money's really gonna help our lady of angels.

Aw, I don't know why you feel the need to give your hard-earned money to the catholic church.

If you want to donate to someone who scares people out of having a sex life, just, uh, give it to Ben.

I'm gonna say a little prayer for you.

Oh, no. Please don't. No, I'm doing it right now.

No, cut it out! I'll pray with you.

Amen. Okay, it's over then.

♪ It's time to show the world what they've waited for ♪
♪ something like they've never seen before ♪
♪ whoa, we're just getting started ♪
♪ just getting started ♪

All right. Just closed out the register.

You dorks are making me rich.

Anyway...

[Singsong voice] Who's ready to party?

Huh? Mo?

I-I can't, Ben. It's laundry night.

You want to come with me?

Mo, for the last time, I'm not doing laundry with you.

That's just so gay, you know?

Buzzy, what are you doing tonight?

I'm going to a gay bar.

Can I come?

Sorry, Ben. Spinner night is Tuesday.

Come on, buzz. We can take the "T" together. Yeah.

Joy? I'm sorry, Ben.

Bart wants me to come home right after work.

Why? Well, it's what he wants.

What am I gonna do? Just not go home one day and end my marriage and start a whole new life?

I mean, that would just be...

[Laughs]

[Door closes]

Nah.

See? When two people understand each other, they don't have to say a word.

That's kind of beautiful. Mm-hmm.

Hey, I'm going home to change. See you tonight at 8:00?

All right, yeah. I'll pick you up.

What?

What was that? [Door closes]

You and Charmaine got a hot date?

You and the charmaniac gonna tear it up, are you?

We're taking a Spanish class together.

Oh. "Charmaniac"?

Yeah, charmaniac is a cool nickname.

Oh, you're gonna double down on "charmaniac."

I would have gone with embarrassment, but I guess it's your money.

Yeah, whatever. Later.

I'll have a beer by myself.

That doesn't bother me. Never does.

[Horn honks in distance]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Rita! Rita! What the hell are you doing?

I'm ordering champagne at the Ritz.

What does it look like I'm doing?

I'm tossing cat turds into a dumpster in the alley.

Yeah, okay.

But the entrance to my business is, like, 20 feet away.

Oh, relax. I never miss.

[Splat] I almost never miss.

Ugh. What are you doing?

Just having a beer.

Oh, by yourself?

No, I think some people are coming.

'Cause, I mean, if no one shows, you can come hang out over here.

My sisters are out playing bingo.

It's just me and lady. Who's lady?

The turd machine I live with.

So, uh, should I put pants on, or what?

Yeah. What the hell? I'll be right over.

Oh. I got it, Joy!

Oh, no, Lonnie, you don't have to pick up after me.

It's my job. I wouldn't ring up customers and look at pictures of Mark Harmon on the Internet, 'cause that's your job.

Mo: Thanks, Jonah.

All right. Here we go, Joy.

Oh, thank you. You're welcome.

So, how you doing, Joy?

I'm good. Good.

Yeah. Good.

So, uh...

Listen, Joy.

Yeah, Mo?

Uh, I was just thinking, um, sometimes...

When, um...

I forgot what I was gonna say.

Sounded like you didn't have anything to say to begin with.

I had something to say, Lonnie. Didn't sound like it.

Sounded like you wanted to talk to Joy here, but you didn't have anything to say and you couldn't think of anything in the moment, so you just froze.

That's not what happened, Lonnie.

Now it sounds like you're lying 'cause you're embarrassed.

This is what my aunt Bonnie would call a real awkward moment.

I'm not embarrassed, Lonnie.

Did anyone see the sox game last night?

I did! That's a lie.

Hey. Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

So, uh...

How was Spanish class last night?

It was fine.

Okay.

You be straight with me. [Chuckles]

All right. What's "Spanish class" code for?

Oh. You know, I'm glad you asked.

"Spanish class."

Come on, Aje. It's me.

You don't have to be embarrassed.

You got a little thing for Charmaine.

For that Charmaine?

Yeah, she's got a sexy energy.

You can't tel me you haven't noticed.

You done, mcUgly.

[Chuckles]

How have I been so blind?

[Knock on door]

Ben: What? Yeah? What's, uh... Can I come in?

Yeah, come on in. Let me just, uh...

Let me grab that door behind you, if you don't mind.

Let me ask you a question, Ben.

You ever have a situation where you like someone, and every time you try to talk to her, you can't think of anything interesting to say? No.

Listen, Mo, I did a terrible thing.

What? What'd you do?

Never mind. Never mind. W-w-w-w-what were you gonna say?

I'm so frustrated.

When I see Joy, it's like my whole brain...

Oh, shut it, Mo! I banged Rita Doyle, all right?!

I did not see that coming. I know.

I know, right? I mean, me.

You know, I'm a business owner.

I'm a good-looking guy. I've got a great body.

You can't really tell sometimes 'cause of my size and the way these vests make me look, but they give me a waist. What you gonna do, you know?

Anyway, point is, I'm a catch.

I'm a catch, and I banged Rita Doyle.

But good.

But... bad.

It's okay, Ben.

Everybody's done a go-below at least once in their lives.

A what? A go-below.

It's when you sleep with someone below your sexual status.

I had one with my cous... With a girl named Paula who lives in Falmouth in my aunt's house.

Right.

A go-below.

That's exactly what I did.

Damn it. Look, I only told you this 'cause you're my best friend, all right? It's not something I want everyone in the shop to know about.

No, of course. It's what best friends do.

They're there for each other. Damn straight.

Now, what can I help you with, buddy?

Before I came in your office, I stopped by Joy's desk and...

Oh, Jesus. Get over yourself, Mo.

I banged Rita Doyle.

You know, the pope is coming to Philadelphia next week.

[Sighs] Joy, um...

I'm sorry. It's just not my thing anymore.

If you ever want to talk about it, you know where I work.

Well, thank you, but don't hold your breath.

I understand. Yeah.

Are you praying for me? don't pray for me. Come on. Take it back.

Amen. Too late! No take-backs.

It's already in the lord's ear, sucker!

So, you're telling me you've never noticed her hands.

Charmaine's got unbelievable hands.

Why do girls keep trying to get guys to appreciate hands?

Hands don't gain weight.

Well, it's not just her hands.

You know, we take yoga together.

Uh-huh. And she's got a hot body.

Her skin is flawless, and she smells so good.

It's like she sweats freaking gardenias.

Oh, man. She must have enormous pores.

You're joking, but I think you're attracted to her.

You know what it sounds like?

It sounds like you're attracted to her.

Joke all you want.

I know what's going on. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, have fun at your study session tonight.

I have a feeling it's gonna be an all-nighter.

Wink, wink.

You know you're blinking, right?

I've never been able to wink.

Hey, Joy. Say, did you, um...

Did I what?

Uh...

Did you, uh, see the, uh...

Oh. It's happening again.

No, it isn't. Yeah.

You got nothing to say. You just want to talk to Joy.

That's not true, Lonnie. Then say something.

Well, uh... That's not something.

Well, uh... still not something.

It's okay, Mo.

You don't have to have anything to say to me.

It's just nice to see you.

Okay, but I do have something to say.

Lying! I, uh...

That's not something. I, uh...

That's not something. Ben slept with Rita Doyle.

[Gasps]

That's something.

Oh, my.

That's what my aunt bunny would call a go-below.

¿Como Se dice "chaise lounge" en español?

Chaise lounge.

Sí. Bueno.

¿Como Se dice "saxophone" en español?

El saxofón.

Man, it's like you've been speaking it your whole life.

This sh*t just comes easy to me.

Mm.

What are you looking at?

Your hands.

What about my hands?

Nothing. They're... they're nice.

Too real.

Another egg roll, please.

[Chuckles] Yeah. Sure, sure.

Mm. We should study that grammar book.

That's what this quiz is on.

You smell nice. What is that?

Annoyance by Charmaine.

I know that book is in here.

Fine. Sean Flynn. There's your answer.

Go on.

Father Sean Flynn. He was my priest growing up.

That's why I left the church.

Buzzy...

He sodomized you, didn't he?

No. No, no, no. No.

He didn't s*domize me. He was a great and wise man.

He made me feel special at a time when no one else did.

And then... he sodomized you!

Oh! No, no, no.

He never did that. That's not what this story is.

He was the center of my family's life, and then he got sick... Very sick.

So we prayed for a miracle, because Sean Flynn taught us that if you prayed hard enough, miracles do happen.

But guess what? They don't.

And I never even got a chance to say goodbye to him.

Oh, Buzzy, miracles do happen.

They happen all the time. You just have to look for them.

Yeah, that's what my next priest said, and I wanted to believe him, but then...

He sodomized you?!

Geez! No.

No, no, no!

I-I-I started dating someone.

I lost interest in the church.

What is the matter with you?

What the hell kind of foolishness did you say to A.J. Yesterday?

Why? What happened? He tried to kiss me.

[Scoffs] I knew it.

Do you know how weird it was to have that skinny, goofy, tom-Hanks-looking fool coming at me?

That Forrest Gump tried to get in my box of chocolates!

I knew he was into you. He's not into me.

He told me you put the idea in his head.

Now I'm in the middle of your little drama with him.

What drama? Look, can we please get off the local and take the express to cut-the-shitville?

You're worried A.J. Has a thing for me because you still have unresolved weirdness with him.

[Chuckling] Okay, you are so off base with this.

I mean, seriously, it is so wrong, it's entertaining, so, I mean, go on.

You haven't dealt with your stuff, and it's made things weird between you two.

Now you're probably gonna tell me what you would do if you were in my position, which I'm definitely not in.

I wasn't gonna do that. Seriously, do it.

What would you do if you were in my position?

There's two possibilities. If you don't have feelings for him and it's just sexual tension, release it.

A little futon funk would be the best thing you could do.

[Laughs]

And the other one?

If you still have feelings for him, don't jump into bed with him.

That would be the worst thing you could do.

[Laughs] If you were anywhere in the ballpark of what I was actually going through...

I'd really have to figure out how I felt about him and which direction I'd take it it.

[Laughs mockingly ] Yes, you would.

Figure it out.

Hi.

Hi. Mm-hmm.

Oh, I'm not comfortable!

What's wrong, Lonnie? That was just hard to watch.

What was? Ben and Rita seeing each other like that.

What's weird about Ben and Rita seeing each other?

They had intercourse two nights ago.

What?! [Indistinct shouting]

Oh, that is excellent.

You said you weren't gonna say anything!

Mo!

I couldn't think of anything else to talk about!

Great! Now my sisters know.

Oh, yeah, right, like you didn't tell your sisters.

Of course I didn't tell my sisters.

You think I want my family to know I had a go-below?

What?

You must have been really horny the other night to take a bite out of that kosher pickle.

Yeah. Horny's one thing, but that?! That's sick!

I don't ever want this to end.

Okay, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Okay.

If anyone here had a go-below, it was me, all right?

I mean, come on. [ Laughing] Come on.

Look at her and look at me, huh?

I am looking at you.

It's like looking at a very hairy 6-year-old.

Oh. Oh!

Okay. Okay.

Well, guess what, Rita?

You talk like a cartoon dinosaur!

No, I do not!

Yeah. And for your information, on planet earth, I'm the bigger catch, right?

I'm cute-to-handsome. I own my own business.

You know what? You want to know the truth? I can tell you the truth!

Oh, yeah? Yeah!

I faked my orgasm! I faked my orgasm!

Well, that took a turn, didn't it?

Okay, boys, say goodbye and thank you to Buzzy.

You know, I never caught your names.

I'm Sean. I'm Flynn.

Wow. I used to know a...

Oh, never mind. [Chuckles]

Boys, what do you want to say to Buzzy?

Thank you, Buzzy. And goodbye.

Yeah.

Yeah, uh...

Goodbye, Sean, Flynn.

Oh, no, no, no.

That... that could have been a coincidence.

Or was it a miracle because I prayed for you to have closure with father Sean Flynn?

Are those really my only two options?

[Knock on door]

[Deep voice] Who is it?!

It's Danni?

[Sighs]

Hey. What are you doing here?

Hi. I needed to see you.

It's 1:00 in the morning.

I know, I know, I know. I know, it's just, um...

[Sputters] Okay.

[Chuckles] Um...

I-I-I feel like there's this... This weird tension between us, and I think the best way to release it is...

To...

Give me the $3 that you owe me.

What? Yeah.

Yeah, we went for coffee the other day, and I paid for it.

It's been weird ever since.

You're here because you want me to give you $3 right now?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're right. [Chuckles]

Uh, you can pay me tomorrow, right?

But don't forget.

[Knock on door]

[Deep voice] Danni, is that you?

Yeah.

[Chuckles]

[Normal voice] What's up?

So, uh, yeah...

You know, we slept together once, and, you know, we never really talked about it, so I-I, um...

I know we work together, and I feel like there's this tension between us, and I think the best way to release it is to...

Forget the $3 that you owe me, all right?

It's my treat, so... we're good.

[Chuckling] I, uh, bid you good night.

[Knock on door]

[Sighs] Danni, what are you doing?

Hey, Mo.

Hey, Joy.

Uh, say, did you, uh...

Buckle up, pigeon. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Did you, uh, know...

That that star right there is Sirius?

That's the fourth-closest star to the planet earth.

Wow. I didn't know that.

Yeah. Uh, the light we're seeing right now started shining about 8 1/2 years ago.

Right about the same time that you moved onto my block.

And we started walking to school together.

Yeah, we did. We did. [Chuckles]

He did good, pigeon.

Hey, Danni. I feel like I didn't see you at all today.

[Sighs] I-I know. I know. We were both so busy.

Yeah. Uh, listen. I think you were exactly right.

I think things were weird between us, you know?

I think we needed last night.

And it was fun, you know? It was really good.

In fact, I kind of feel like you owe me 3 bucks.

But, you know, it's great. Now we can be friends again.

Totally. Totally. I mean, that's what you wanted, right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I mean, if... if I wanted something more than that, you know, coming over last night would have been the worst thing I could do, so...

I think it was really good. So good.

So, we're cool. Yeah, we're cool.

Okay. Yeah. It's good.

Cool. So, uh...

You can go. Okay, great.

[Sighs]

You are so not cool.

[Sighs]

I am so not cool.

You can cry on my shoulder if you want.

Just don't get it in my hair.

You smell really good. Okay, enough.

All right, who's... Okay. There's no one out here.

Lonnie, where'd everyone go? They all had plans.

Crap. I thought we could all have a beer.

Hey, Lonnie. Can you have a beer?

No. Oh, you got plans?

No.

All right.

Guess I'll just have another one by myself.

[Sighs]

Oh. Oh, Rita, Jesus! Now what are you doing?

I'm practicing my curtsey.

What the hell does it look like I'm doing?

I'm dropping a load of canary crap into the dumpster.

Just walk it down, Rita.

I don't want to walk it down, Ben.

Jesus.

[Sighs]

Look, about our fight earlier, I want to...

I want to say I'm sorry about what I said.

Yeah. I'm... I'm sorry about what I said, too.

I don't think you look like a very hairy 6-year-old.

And I don't think you sound like a cartoon dinosaur.

And I don't think I'm any better than you.

And I don't think I'm any better than you.

And I didn't fake my orgasm.

Damn, it is chilly out here tonight.

I don't regret what we did.

I get lonely sometimes, you know?

Yeah. I, uh... I get lonely sometimes, too.

You know, um...

If you're lonely, and I'm lonely...

Uh...

[Breathes deeply]

Keep your pants off. I'm coming right over.