01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

(Dog barking in distance)

(Russ grunts)

Hey.

Mm.

That a vampire book?

Mm-hmm.

Didn't you just watch a vampire movie?

I like vampires.

(Russ grunts)

That is weird.

What?

Give me your hand.

Tell me this doesn't feel weird to you.

What?

Give me your hand.

Tell me this doesn't feel weird.

I'm not touching your penis.

I'm serious, there's something, like, going on.

(Sighs)

Oh, wow. You know what?

I bet it probably tastes weird, too.

(Lina groans) I'm sure it does. Good night.

(Russ moaning softly)

You're shaking the bed again.

(Russ moaning softly)

All right, you guys. Come on. We need to go. We're late, late, late, late, Mom, daddy's sleeping on the couch again.

Yeah, ask daddy about that.

Daddy, daddy, I forgot to feed Norman.

What?

I need you to feed Norman.

Okay. Who's Norman?

Norman. My fish.

Right. Okay. I will feed Norman. He's a fish.

(Car engine starts)

(Door closes, horn honks)

Can I ask you something?

Yeah, I'm here for you.

How often do you and Cindy have sex?

(Chuckles) Is that what this is about? Huh. I don't know.

You know, we have our ups and downs. Sometimes we do it a lot, sometimes only three or four times a week.

Really?

Yeah. Oh, you guys... having trouble?

The other day, I started calculating how many more times Lina and I are gonna do it before we die.

I actually, like, started crunching numbers.

All right. And how did the numbers look?

Oh. Pretty bad, huh?

Yeah. It's just...

It's like even when we... have sex, it's not like real sex, you know?

It's like somewhere between, like, pity sex and-and necrophilia.

(Sighs) All right. I'm gonna solve this for you.

You know how Cindy really loves dancing and I hate dancing 'cause it's a stupid waste of time?

But I dance with my wife. 'Cause even though I hate it, I love having sex.

Find out what she's into. Pretend to like it, no matter how stupid it is.

It's called being sensitive.

(Crickets chirping)

Did you move the kids?

(Transylvanian accent) Good evening.

(Lina laughs)

I want to suck your junk. Ha, ha, ha.

Wh-what's this?

This is your fantasy.

(Laughs) Okay, well, first of all, the accent?

Not all vampires are from Transylvania.

(Canadian accent) I want to suck your junk, eh?

(Chuckles) What's that?

It's a Canadian vampire.

I can be whatever vampire you want me to be.

Is this seriously supposed to turn me on?

Come on.

We had a quickie a few weeks ago.

Yeah, and you yelled at me for not being quick enough.

Because quickies are supposed to be quick.

I don't understand how you can be, like, into all that fantasy stuff and not interested in the real thing.

Because the fantasy doesn't make me feel like sh*t every time I don't do one of its p*rn positions.

What are you talking about? I have four basic positions.

Um...

Fine. Si... seven.

Really? Seven?

Yes, seven.

All you do is flip me over and over and over.

It's fun.

(Russ snoring)

(Grunts)

I mean, I get it. You were doing a really cute thing and I messed it all up.

I was just...

Baby, I'm sorry.

It's just the girls... they take everything out of me.

And it doesn't help that every time you look at me, I get pregnant.

That's not...

Always my fault.

The last one, I wore a condom.

Yeah, and you screwed it off.

I didn't screw it off.

You did screw it off.

No, I didn't. Your vag*na, like, Yes, you did. ate it and then...

Don't blame this on my vag*na.

Well...

Look, I'm trying to make everyone happy.

And then at the end of the day, I have to make you happy, too? I...

It's just too much.

Ella hit me!

Well, hit her back.

Look...

Don't you think if there was some magical sex pill that I could take I would?

Then let's go magic pill shopping.

I can't have this conversation with you again.

I know.

It's the same thing over and over and over.

I don't know what to tell you. Maybe you should just go and be with someone else.

What?

You want to split up?

No.

Then how am I supposed to go be with someone else?

You go... be with someone else.

Which one was that?

Well, what exactly is she proposing here?

I have no idea.

She said that I basically should get my needs met somewhere else.

Well, maybe you should just get a whore.

I think one of my old roommates is an actual whore.

She was cute. She's probably ruined in her area, but she is a... whore.

I don't... it's not...

I don't want a whore.

I wish Greg would give me permission to bang a stranger.

No, you do not.

Oh, yes, I do.

No.

Mm-hmm. I am so tired of sleeping with someone who is old enough to be my father's friend.

Who also happens to be my father's friend, which is totally on me.

Totally on me. Thank you.

I used to, like, fully turn Lina on, and now I... I I just annoy her.

Dude, she loves you.

It's like with me and Greg.

I know that he loves me, but I also know that he can't keep up with me.

(Groans) Did I tell you that he can only do doggy style if he wears a knee brace?

No.

That's not a sex toy.

Doggy's my jam.

I don't care about your stupid barbeque. It's my weekend.

Yeah. Oh, and another thing, tell your screw pal to stop buying my daughter turtles.

I'm her father. Nobody buys her turtles except me, do you understand?

(Sighs) Baby mama drama. (Chuckles) Oh.

How is everything working out, you know, for you, divorce-wise?

It's a big party. What?

No, but you're getting laid a lot. At least, you talk about it a lot.

Yeah, and you have a family, huh?

You want to know where I spent my last Thanksgiving?

At a Panda Express with a dominatrix, all right?

Don't try and out-sad me. I am the king of sad.

(Jess laughs) Congratulations.

Thank you.

What's his problem?

He's just so sad because his wife says he can have sex with other people.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Did you get it in writing?

No. I don't want it in writing. I just want her.

I get it. She's hot, all right?

She is.

Sure. Those legs, that ass, those nipples that say howdy.

But trust me, man... don't let sex ruin what you guys have.

If-if I could do it all over again I would've just gotten a mistress. It might've saved my marriage.

That is actually a smart idea. Excuse me.

No. Don't.

Yes. Do.

Don't. Don't.

Yes.

Excuse me. Hi.

Yeah.

How can I help you guys?

Well, would you be interested in being my friend's mistress?

It's for a good cause. He needs to save his marriage. And don't worry... it's that friend, not that one.

(Chuckles) A mistress.

Um, well, what are the hours like?

Oh. Very honest.

Funny. Okay.

That's very funny.

Russ, this is...

I'm Ella.

Oh, that's my daughter's name.

Oh, no way.

Yeah.

That's a good name.

It's a great name.

But maybe not so much for a mistress.

'Cause then I'd be, like, inside her and I'm feeling like it's incest.

That's gross.

Don't be so old-fashioned.

You are a buzzkill.

This is not going well. I don't...

No, it's going so poorly.

I find you very attractive, I just don't want...

I actually have other tables.

Yeah, sure you do.

No, you're released.

Thanks, you guys.

Of course you do. Yes, enjoy your other tables.

Okay.

If you really are serious about getting a mistress, then you're gonna need to do something about that ear hair that's in there.

You need to wax it out or something, because ear hair is not sexy, it's not...

I'm not getting a mistress.

Why not?

Ugh.

You know me, I get too attached. And then there's the cost.

Like, Lina would k*ll me if I was out buying shoes for other women.

So keep it on the cheap. Get her some flip-flops or something, you know?

Flip-flops and a sandwich, man. That's all it takes.

Oh... what are you, so romantic?

Well, we're not talking about romance, here.

Even if I did do it, right... like, I haven't been single in a very long time.

I would ha... have no idea where to start.

Start with the ears.

(Laughs)

(Aj chuckles)

Really?

(Russ grunts)

You know, I've always wondered what the inside of this place looks like.

My... my wife used to actually come here and get waxed all the time.

That was, uh, that was before we had kids, obviously.

Just... Ow.

Lately, she's, uh, really let things go, down there.

Kind of looks like a pirate.

( Music playing through earbuds) Did you say something?

No, I did not.

Just, uh... It's... not important.

Are those your girls?

Yeah, three girls.

You gonna try for the boy?

I don't really care about the boy part, but, uh, I'm always down for trying.

I like funny guys.

Do you, uh, do you have any kids, or...

My ex and I were supposed to have a boy.

Charlie.

Oh.

That's what we were going to call him.

We were at 23 weeks, and then one day...

Now he walks with Jesus.

Um...

Uh, Charlie is...

That's a great name. It's a great name.

Sorry about losing it like that.

Oh, please, don't worry about it. I lose it all the time, so...

(Both laugh)

No, it's, you know, it's hard being with the same person forever, you know, and ever. And ever.

(Puppies barking)

(Laughs)

Look how cute.

Aw.

After we lost the baby, Angel... my ex... wanted to start trying again.

But I couldn't be with him no more.

Every time we tried to, uh...

I just thought of Charlie, and his cute little sonogram.

Maybe God doesn't think I'd be a good mother.

Maybe that's why He took Charlie.

(Barking)

(Phone line rings) Oh, thank God you picked up.

Hey, uh, I need a favor. Yeah, I'm, um... I need 400 bucks.

Thank you so much, dude.

There you go, $400.

Oh, you're a lifesaver.

So, this is it, you're getting a whore.

No, of course not.

Uh, okay, okay.

But do me a favor, though...

Don't say anything to Cindy, she-she'll say something to Lina.

(Chuckles) Then Lina will know you're getting a whore.

Again, Bernie, not getting a whore, okay?

Right, okay.

Thank you.

I won't say anything.

But, uh, if it is a whore, just promise me... don't choke her.

I don't want to get that call.

Hands off.

Here you go.

Oh, you're crazy.

Well, you said he was cute, right?

We should call him Charlie.

Hi, Charlie.

Charlie, like, like, Charlie, Charlie?

(Giggling) Oh, my little Charlie.

I was...

Yeah, I was... I was just thinking maybe, like, Hercules, you know, or-or, uh...

Okay, we'll go with Charlie, I guess.

You gonna come in, right?

I don't know, uh...

Maybe just for a minute.

Sorry about the mess.

I didn't know I was having company.

Hola, tia. This is my friend Russ and our new little doggie.

(Puppy barking)

Oh.

(Exclaims) (Speaks Spanish)

(Distant siren wailing)

So you want to watch TV?

Uh, I-I have a TV at home, so... Think I'm probably good... with that.

Love all the shelving.

Okay.

Wow, this is soft, huh?

Yeah.

(Soft laugh)

Uh... (Short laugh)

(!sis breathing heavily)

(Phone chiming)

I got to take this.

What?

(Puppy whining)

What's up?

Uh, no, I'm just out right now.

Where are you?

I'm just, uh, running some errands.

Bullshit.

What errands are you running? I run every errand in this house. You need to get home.

Fine.

When?

I don't know... like 20 minutes.

Okay, bye. (Phone beeps off)

Look, I... I got to go.

You gonna come back?

You know, I...

I don't think it's a good idea.

Yeah, I f-feel like I could be back in an hour.

(!sis giggles)

Can you pick up some food for Charlie? Maybe a chew toy.

A chew toy. Okay.

What is the emergency?

Norman d*ed.

The fish.

Oh. Right.

I put too much food in his bowl.

Aw, sweetie.

We all make mistakes.

You need to put a suit on.

Why?

For the funeral.

He was just a fish.

He was my friend.

Girls, go in the backyard, I want to talk to daddy for a minute.

Daddy?

Look, I'm sorry I k*lled the fish.

Why did you borrow $400 from Bernie?

What are you talking about?

Oh, please.

I didn't...

No, yeah, you did. Cindy called and said that you told Bernie to meet you with $400.

That's... I... Oh, right, okay.

Yeah, mm-hmm.

I remember that now. Okay.

That was...

I know that I told you that you can do whatever you want, but can you please be discreet and not borrow whore money from our friends?

I didn't get a whore.

Oh, really? then what was the $400 for?

It was... I can't tell you that. It's-it's a... surprise.

Well, that surprise better not be AIDS.

Herpes?

(Laughs quietly) You already gave me that.

(Laughing) No, I did not. Oh, I get it.

Does it turn you on that I may have had sex with someone else?

I thought you said you didn't.

I didn't. But if it turns you on that I did, then I did.

Just get dressed, weirdo.

Come on.

(Phone line ringing)

Hello, caller. Please leave a message and someone will get back to you.

(Beeps)

Hey, d*ck, it's me.

Yeah, um, just calling to say thanks again, you know, for opening your big mouth.

I'm trying to...

Save my marriage, here.

Norman was a great friend.

He was also family. He was the only one I could talk to.

And you always understood me.

You were a great fish.

You make cute kids.

So do you.

Except for this one.

Yeah.

Whose kid is this?

I don't know.

Whose kid is this?

She lives next door.

Do we know you?

Do we know you?

We were just in the backyard having a funeral, you know, for Norman.

Yeah.

And I thought, like, what the f... hell am I doing?

Are-are you going to see this girl again or are you not?

It's complicated.

I-I don't know. I have to get her dog food.

You're making her eat dog food.

Okay.

Why are you buying her dog food?

Because I may have bought her a dog.

Oh.

Oh! (Laughing) You idiot! That's so stupid.

Why would you do that?

How does that happen?

Because you told me to get my ears waxed.

Yeah, I did. I asked you to get your ears waxed. That does not mean that you should get a dog.

I know. I'm an idiot, okay? This is exactly why I can't have a mistress. I need your help.

No, no, no, no. You don't need help.

It's not complicated. It's simple. Just don't go back there.

I promised this woman dog food.

Just trust me.

Don't go back there.

You're right. I'm done.

I'm done. I'm not gonna bring her the dog food.

I'm over the mistress thing. It's done.

(Loud music playing inside)

Oh, sorry. I think I have the wrong apartment.

You Russ?

Yes.

You got the right place.

Hold up.

!sis wants you to take care of this little guy.

(Puppy whining)

Uh, where is she?

Hospital.

Tia was having chest pains.

Is sh-she okay?

I don't know, man. She's old.

Messed-up sh*t happens all the time. We ain't got no control over it.

Something messed up could happen to you right now.

Is something messed up about to happen?

No, man.

I got no claim anymore. Just doing a favor for the ex. Here.

His name's Charlie, right?

Yeah, I-I, uh...

I definitely...

She told you that was what we were gonna name our little man?

I wanted to go with Hercules.

It's all good. I mean, it isn't. But it has to be, right?

That's the world.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, that's... it is the world.

It's definitely the world.

Take good care of 'em.

(Distant siren wailing)

(Helicopter blades whirring)

(Door closes)

(Puppy whining)

Where have you been?

You told me to be discreet.

So, I was being discreet.

(Short laugh) Messing with you.

I'm not...

You suck.

You want to watch a movie with me?

Vampires or... ?

No.

Werewolves.

Oh. Even better.

Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Daddy got us a dog! Daddy got us a dog!

Where did you get that?

It was in daddy's car.

Daddy bought a dog without talking to mommy?

Uh, we can, we can return it.

I can, I can easily give it back.

We're not returning our dog.

No. Good. That's... Of course not.

We shouldn't return our dog.

(Girls cooing, clamoring)

You're gonna need a name, aren't you?

(Excited chattering)

Thank you, daddy!

(Phone dings)

(Dings) (Dings)

(Lina sighs)

(Dinging)

Hey, buddy.

(Puppy whining)

(Siren wailing)

(Knocks softly)

Russ.

Hey.

How is she?

She had a little heart att*ck.

But it's okay. She has lots of heart att*cks.

Who's with Charlie?

Um...

I think you should s-sit down.

What?

He ran into the street.

Yeah.

It was a truck, you know? So, he... he didn't suffer.

W-wait.

He's, he's gone? I... no.

Yeah.

I tried to stop the bleeding, but it was...

So profuse.

Charlie is dead?!

Huh?

He's dead again!

God took him away from me again!

(Tia speaking Spanish)

Uh... Just text or...

I know a great tapas place. Just throwing it out there.

(!sis and Tia crying)

Wow. Yeah.

Whoa!

The grandma in the background. It makes it hotter.

Yeah.

I don't know...

Is it really over between you guys?

Yeah. I think so. She said that every time she sees me, she thinks of Charlie.

Mm. The baby or the dog?

Mm.

Dog, I think.

Ah, that's...

That's less sad.

Yeah, it's better.

You guys want another round?

Mm-mm.

I can't, I got to stop. Tonight is the night that I lay out Greg's pills for the week. So, that's part of my life.

I wish I had somebody to lay out my pills.

I don't even know what I'm taking.

(Puppy whining)

Hey.

(Grunts) Hey, does this feel weird to you?

I'm not touching your penis.

How did you know... ?

Seriously?

You're good.

The puppy's right here.