01x04 - Uncool

[bunniefuu]

Receptionist: Ella Bowman?

Hi, uh, Ella, can I talk to your mom?

Ella: Okay. Hey, mom.

Lina: Hi.

Receptionist: It says that, uh, the bookkeeper would like to speak with you first.

Well, we're just here to get her braces tightened.

I don't deal with the billing, okay? I'm just dealing with the scheduling.

Lina: Oh, no, I know, I know. So we'll just get her braces tightened and then jump in and talk to the bookkeeper.

Receptionist: Not this time. Sorry.

What kind of animal doesn't even tighten a girl's braces?

Russ: They really refused to see her?

Lina: Yeah. They said no more adjustments until we square up.

I can't even believe that.

Russ: That is so not cool.

Lina: They didn't even call first.

I'm just standing in there like an idiot.

It was so embarrassing. I'm... What?

Russ: Ty might have called.

S01E04
Uncool

Lina: (Sighs) If the braces don't get tightened, then they can't do anything.

They're just metal in her mouth.

What about calling Bernie? I mean, doesn't he owe us...

Russ: Stop. Stop. I'm lucky to have a friend who throws me extra work.

It's not cool for me to harass him every time he's behind.

Lina: Who cares if it's cool?

We're too broke to be cool.

Russ: Being broke is cool.

Lina: In your 20s.

Russ: Well, I can still pull it off.

Lina: You sure about that?

Russ: Maybe you should call Jess. She offered to help you with your resumee.

(Groans)

Lina: Okay, I know I have to get a job. I just...

(Sighs)

I'll call Jess.

(Whirring)

Russ: Hey. Bernie!

Bernie: Oh, hey.

Russ: Hey, uh, you got a sec?

I just feel like all the pressure's on me, you know? If we can't afford something, it's automatically my fault.

Bernie: I thought Lina said she was going back to work.

Russ: Yeah, I thought so, too. She said she would, but it never happened.

Bernie: Cindy said there'd be a**l on the honeymoon.

Russ: Was there?

Bernie: Not on the honeymoon.

Russ: Hey, um... (Sighs)

About the final payment.

I'm sorry. I hate to bug you about it.

Bernie: Yeah, no, you're not bugging me.

It's, uh... just is a tough one. I'm having trouble collecting from the client.

But I promise you, as soon as I get paid, you'll get paid.

Russ: Any idea when that might be? Just kind of ballpark?

Bernie: That's the he's not even responding to my e-mails. I' tthink I should, uh, maybe mark them urgent. But I don't know if I want to be that guy.

Maybe it might take more than an e-mail.

Bernie: Oh. Like, I should text him?

Russ: No, I was thinking something different.

Bernie: What do you have in mind?

I'm warning you. This can be a really difficult client.

(Knocking)

Russ: If the braces don't get tightened, then it's just metal in her mouth.

Frat brother: Dude, I wish I could help you out, but it's midterms.

So?

Rus frat brother: So it's, like real stressful times, man, you know?

Russ: What are you talking about?

We all... I have stress. I have a wife and kids.

Bernie: You have to settle your account. Frat brot look, I totally feel y'all.

But the treasurer is the only guy who can cut the checks, and I'm not the treasurer. You know what you should do? You should send an e-mail to Doogie. He's our treasurer.

Doogie has to check his inbox more often.

Russ: So when can we sit down with Doogie, face-to-face?

Frat brother: I don't know.

Maybe after midterms.

Russ: Can I bum a smoke?

Okay, so I sent Doogie a friend request, and now I'm tweeting him. I'm gonna cover all the bases.

Russ: They're laughing at us.

Bernie: Who?

Russ: All of 'em.

These frat guys. Doogie. I mean, even those cute girls over there. We're the old dudes that we used to laugh at.

(Girls giggling)

Bernie: Are we funny?

Russ: Yeah, we're hilarious.

(Baby crying) Jess: Didn't you do, like, some volunteer work at the school?

Lina: Um, I w class mom, but it's kind of embarrassing to put that on a resumee.

Jess: Hold on. Oh, you need this?

I think you should put him down.

(Cooing)

(Sighs) Um, okay.

Well, what can we put on here?

Lina: I don't know. I once flew by myself with all three kids... while I was breastfeeding.

Jess: That's a baller move.

Not something that I would consider resumee material.

Lina: What if I start my own business? (Jess groans) What about that? I could do calligraphy. Or I could make jewelry.

Jess: Those aren't real jobs.

Lina: Yeah, they are.

No, those are not. Those are rich white lady hobbies.

Lina: I'm white.

Jess: That's about it.

Weren't you, like, a vp at your last job?

Lina: That was forever ago.

Jess: Just... is it... I feel bad, but was it insurance?

Lina: Payroll.

Jess: Payroll. Well... would you ever consider going back there?

Lina: Did Russ tell you to ask me that?

Jess: No.

Lina: He didn't?

Jess: No.

He didn't tell you to ask me that?

Jess: You're so scary.

Did he call you and ask you to ask me if I would consider going back to my old job?

He might have text it.

He's just... we're trying to help you.

Lina: (Sighs) Yeah, thanks.

I don't understand.

So we're waiting on a guy named Doogie?

Russ: Yes.

Lina: Because he's the treasurer?

Russ: He's in midtes right now.

And apparently they're, like, 40% of his grade or something.

I don't know. Don't worry. I'm on it. (Lina sighs)

How did your meeting with Jess go?

Lina: Mmm.

You know how it went.

Russ: What is that supposed to mean?

Lina: Oh, please. You think I don't know that you and Jess were talking about me going back to work for Weberman?

Russ: What?

Yeah, I don't appreciate you and your friend trying to plan my life.

Russ: We weren't planning anything.

Lina: Really?

Russ: It's just... you made really good money with Weberman.

Lina: I was miserable.

Russ: Come on. It wasn't that bad.

Lina: You didn't have to do it.

I went through that sh*t for a reason, to support you while you got your sh*t together.

Russ: I know. And I did get my sh*t together. For a while.

And hopefully I'll get my sh*t together again someday. Babe, we're screwed.

Lina: I know.

Russ: Can you just... call him?

Set up a lunch or something? Please?

Lina: I hate you.

I don't hate you.

I just hate my life. And my life is you.

Russ: Is this foreplay?

Lina: Duh. (Russ chuckles)

Jess: Look, I get it. After I had Harrison, the very last thing I wanted to do was to go back to work. I loved being at home with him and the nannies.

But then shep got fired, and I had to step it up.

Lina: Oh. Hello, old boss.

Jess: Do you work in an airplane?

Is your old boss a pilot?

Lina: This is the worst, right?

Jess: Try this on.

Lina: No. This is in the same family.

I feel like...

God, I'm so bummed.

We had a plan, you know? We were going to run the surf shop, and the kids were gonna run around and hang out, and do homework, and then, when they went to college, we were gonna sell it and travel the whole entire world together.

Jess: Yeah. I mean, I married a sugar daddy who ran out of sugar.

How about that? (Lina laughs)

Lina: Yeah, we have no surf shop. I have to have stupid lunch with my stupid old boss wearing a stupid dress.

Old man: You should try it on.

And we're gonna get m*rder*d.

Jess: Oh, my God.

Try that on. And I'm gonna go mingle.

Bernie: This seems a bit much, don't you think? Do we really need an enforcer?

Russ: Relax. He's cool.

Angel: This is my thing. I know how to talk to the young people.

Kamal: Hey. What's up?

Angel: What you drinking there, brother?

Kamal: You guys want a cold one?

Angel: No, no, no, no, dr*gs and alcohol aren't the answer for me anymore. I found something better.

Kamal: Pills.

Angel: You think that's funny?

Let me tell you a little story about how I took my life back.

Russ: You know what? Maybe let's-let's not do the story?

Angel: No story?

Russ: No. We're here for Doogie.

Angel: Right, right, right, right, Doogie, yeah.

We're looking for a brother named Doogie.

Kamal: Haven't seen him.

Angel: You sure about that?

I heard he was hooking up with some skank in Thurston.

Russ: Thurston?

Kamal: Yeah, the skanks' dorm.

It's across the quad.

They have a whole dorm for skanks?

Skanks. You know, girls, chicks, whores.

Russ: All girls are skanks here?

Kamal: It's college.

Angel: See, it starts with a casual beer.

Then some weed. Maybe a couple lines. Next thing you know, you're waking up in jail in a wheelchair with only three toes on your left foot.

Bernie: That's really specific.

Russ: All girls are skanks here?

That's not cool. I'm-I'm paying for piano lessons and spending five grand on braces so they can go to college and be called skanks.

Angel: Five grand? What, are you getting braces for the whole family?

That's white people prices.

Bernie: There are brown people prices?

Angel: The ortho in my hood... he charges half that.

White people always paying too much for sh*t.

Bernie: What do you pay for cable?

Lina: I think I should just go to grad school. I should take one of those tests.

I should take, like, the MCAT or the lSAT or the GMAT.

I think I should cancel this lunch and go to a kaplan course.

Jess: What are you talking about?

I am talking about anything.

Og God. There he is. That's him. That's him.

Jess: What?

Lina: That's him.

Jess: Just relax.

Lina: I can't relax.

I can't because I'm getting nauseous just even thinking about his day-old breath.

Weberman has the worst breath.

Jess: Okay, you need to go in there.

Lina: All right, I'm gonna go.

Just get it all together and marge it in.

Lina: All right.

Jess: Uh-uh.

Lina: I can't. I can't.

I'm feeling really sick to my stomach, and I think I'm gonna vomit, and I can always tell when I'm gonna vomit.

Jess: Okay, okay, okay...

Lina: I'm gonna throw up.

Jess: You know what? You just need something to take the edge off.

(Lina groans) Take some deep breaths, I got the rest.

Lina: Oh, God.

Aj: So, he's just inside there waiting for you?

Lina: Yeah.

Russ: Excuse me. We're looking for a guy named Doogie.

Is he a resident?

We understand that he's upstairs... tapping a skank?

Guard: Sorry. Can't let you upstairs.

(Russ sighs)

Hi. Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Looking for a Zeta brother named Doogie.

Megan: Doogie? Doogie can kiss my ass.

Russ: Great. So you do know him?

Is everything okay?

Megan: He said that we were gonna grab a bite.

Then he said that we were gonna hook up first.

And then he...

Alissa: He finished on her face.

Russ: Finished what?

Alissa: Sex.

Yeah, Russ. You know, like in the movies.

Angel: Mm.

Were, uh, either of you under the influence?

'Cause, you know, a lot of bad sex decisions are the product of dr*gs and alcohol.

Russ: Angel.

Can you tell us where he is?

Megan: He's back at the house.

Russ: Okay, let's go teach that prick some manners.

Aj: Love is very complicated. Work is very complicated. Life is very complicated.

That's why it is perfectly natural to try and sabotage...

Lina: I'm not sabotaging.

It's not about me. It's about the breath.

Jess: She doesn't want to smell her old boss' breath.

Oh, I get it. I, uh, had a lot of trouble going back to work after the divorce and made up every excuse in the book.

In fact, they think I'm at my shrink right now.

When you say "shrink," nobody questions it.

Jess: Here's an idea. What if we went in and we did, like, a breath-sniffing recon where somebody went in and sniffed just to make sure that the breath is clear?

Then you won't have any surprises, and I actually think that might make you feel a lot better.

Lina: I guess so.

Jess: Great. All right. So, why don't you go in and sniff it?

Wait. Why do I have to do it?

Because my nose doesn't even work anymore.

Old cocaine injury. (Jess laughs)

Aj: Fine. I'll do it. What does he look like?

(Urinating)

(Unzips)

Aj: Hey. How you doing?

Weberman: Good.

(Sniffing)

AJ (Whispers): Hi.

Weberman: Hey.

(Clears throat)

Hi. Oh, no, I'm not interested, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm just using the bathroom.

AJ: Be cool, bro.

Weberman: No, sir, please step back, step back, get out of my face.

Aj: It's not inappropriate.

You don't know what I'm doing right now.

Weberman: Get out of...

I know what you're doing. Get out of my face.

Jess: What is taking him so long?

Aj: Don't go in there.

Lina: I don't know.

Jess: Hold on, hold...

Lina: What happened?

Jess: Are you okay?

Lina: Oh, my God.

Aj: I don't know about that guy's breath, but he definitely has a h*m* problem.

Lina: What did you do?

Jess: Oh, my God.

I am reporting it as a hate crime, so don't you guys worry about it, all right?

Jess: Right there, there he is, right there. (Lina shrieks)

Lina: Oh, God, oh, God, wait, can he see me, can he see me?

Weberman: Lina?

Lina: Oh, hi.

Hey. Hi, sorry I'm late.

Weberman: Okay, what's going on here?

Lina: I...

I quit.

Weberman: You quit...

Lina: I quit.

Weberman: Wh-what?

Lina: I quit.

Aj: Translation: Take this job and shove it up your ass, you bigot.

Lina: Yeah.

Weberman: What job?

Jess: Exactly, good question!

Weberman: Hey, Lina...

Aj: assh*le!

(Laughing)

That was awesome.

(Jess whoops)

Oh, oh, man.

Russ: Do you need a sweater or something?

Megan: Am I nipping out?

Russ: What? No, I was just concerned. I have daughters.

(Indistinct conversations)

Megan: That's him.

Bernie: That's Doogie?

Megan: Yeah.

Russ: Unreal.

Bernie: It appears that Doogie has come on our faces as well.

Russ: g*dd*mn it.

Doogie: Hey, guys. Welcome to Cocktoberfest.

Russ: What the hell, man? Why did you lie to us?

Doogie: Fraternity treasurer, man... it's part of the gig.

What's up, ladies?

Kamal: Skanks in the house.

Doogie: What, what?

Kamal: What?

Russ: Stop doing that. These are not skanks, okay?

These are young women. And you owe Megan some respect.

Doggie: Aw, babe.

I'm sorry I made a mess on you. I was just feeling so jammed up, you know?

What with midterms, Cocktoberfest.

We have a velcro wall out back.

Megan: I've never been on a velcro wall before.

Alissa: It sounds fun.

Doogie: It is epic.

Russ: It's not actually that great at all.

What are you doing?

Bernie: Classic skank move.

Russ: This is such bullshit.

Angel, can you do your thing here, please?

Angel: You know, if I just had one beer, it wouldn't be that big of a deal, right?

Russ: What?

Doogie: One drink isn't gonna k*ll you.

Russ: No.

Angel: I-I got to call my sponsor.

Russ: No, Angel. No, no, no.

Angel: I'm not losing another toe, man.

Russ: We're here. Angel, you got to get this guy.

Doogie: So, uh, we all cool here?

Russ: No, we're not cool. We're not cool at all, bro. Do you see these banners?

I designed those, okay? That took a lot of work. And Bernie here printed 'em on reinforced vinyl, and he did a really good job.

Bernie: I-I just send 'em as an attachment, but-but thank you.

Russ: So give us our g*dd*mn money so that I can straighten my daughter's teeth so some douche like you can jizz all over her face someday!

Doogie: Not cool, man.

Russ: Not cool?

Not cool. Right. Yeah, I don't need to be cool, okay?

Bernie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

(Partygoers scream, shout)

Doogie: Now, that was cool.

(Partygoers cheering)

Bernie: Was that cool?

Doogie: Uh, not bad.

Russ: Hey, weirdo.

(Lina gasps)

Lina: You scared me.

It's creepy when you watch them sleep.

They're just getting so big. How messed up are you?

Russ: Normal.

What about you?

Lina: Same.

I really sh*t the bed today with Weberman.

Russ: Mm-hmm. I heard.

Lina: Of course you did.

(Groans)

It's not fair.

You are a designer. You love art and designing. It's your thing.

I don't have a thing.

Russ: You're a good mom.

(Lina groans)

Lina: That's so lame.

(Sighs) Is it so pathetic that I'm almost 40 and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up?

Russ: Yes. (Chuckles)

I'm just k... I think it's hot.

Lina: You would.

Russ: Mmm.

Check out how awesome I am.

(Lina gasps) (Russ chuckles)

Feels light.

Russ: I may have broken some windows.

Lina: Babe.

Russ: I know.

Lina: What about the braces?

Russ: I got it covered.

(Spanish music playing)

Ella: They're too tight.

(Speaking Spanish)

Russ: Yeah, okay.

Yeah, he said he's gonna loosen them.

Ella: Uh... ah.

Russ: He said he's gonna loosen them, so...

Ella: Uh...