01x07 - Waffles & Pizza

[bunniefuu]

Gretchen: Oh, whatever. It's... it's economical, okay?

(Indistinct talking)(Dog barking) Russ: What do you want?

Frankie: I want waffles. Daddy. I want waffles, I want waffles, I want waffles.

Russ: Over easy or sunny side up?

Frankie: I want waffles.

Russ: Okay, over easy.

(Doorbell rings)

Ugh, that's for you.

Lina: Coming!

(Rapid knocking)

Hello?

Realtor: Hi, are you guys ready for the open house?

Lina: The open what?

Realtor: Open house.

Lina: This is bullshit.

The landlord has to call... you can't just have an open house.

We live here.

Russ: You need to keep it down.

Lina: It's bullshit!

Russ: Shh!

Lina: You have to let your tenant know.

Did you hide the, um...?

Russ: I hid all the usual crap.

My weed, your vibrator, your mom's jewelry, the Polaroids.

Lina: The Polaroids?

Russ: They're mine. Those are mine.

Lina: They're of me.

Russ: They're mine.

Man: The kitchen would have to be gutted.

How disgusting were those bathrooms?

Woman: They look like they've never been cleaned.

Russ: They're not that dirty.

Lina: Yes, they are.

Lina: Here's one... three bedrooms.

Cozy. Craftsman style house.

Russ: "Cozy" means tiny.

Lina: What about three bedrooms and a pool.

Oh, wait, never mind, it's an apartment complex.

Are you watching the kids?

Russ: Yes.

Lina: This is so depressing. I hate renting.

Russ: Why? We've got total freedom with renting, you know?

I don't want to be tied down.

Lina: We have three kids. We're tied down.

Russ: Yeah, but what if we need to, like, leave the country suddenly, you know?

What if we get jobs in Costa Rica?

Lina: I just want to own I want to own something before I die.

I want to die in the place that I own.

Russ: Got it. Buy a house, m*rder you, have sex with your corpse.

♪ ♪

David: Oh, hi.

Jess: Hi, David. Do you want to see me?

David: Yeah. Come on in.

Jess: Yeah. (Locks door)

Am I getting fired?

David: What?

Jess: 'Cause you just shut the door and locked it, and I feel like that means I'm getting fired.

(David laughs)

Or bent over something.

Am I getting bent over?

David: No. Uh, Jess, do you remember the thing we talked about before Christmas?

Jess: Yes, I do. (Gasps)

David: Yeah, so...

Jess: Are you putting me on Valerie's team?

That's awesome. Thank you.

David: No, actually...

Jess: Uh, let me just say, I've really been thinking about this, and I feel very ready.

David: Stop. The reason I, uh, called you in here is I need to...

I need to get some tickets. You know... eight tickets in row "C."

Jess: Am I being invited or not invited to something?

David (Quietly): I need an eight-ball.

Jess: Oh. (Laughs) You want me to get cocaine for you.

You want me to buy dr*gs for you.

David: Hey, I-I'd love it if you'd please use code.

Jess: Oh, I get it. Okay, um, eight tickets in row cocaine.

(Clicks tongue twice)

David (Laughs nervously): Okay, thanks. Thank you. That's it. Great.

Jess: Thank you.

David: Thanks, yeah, that's it.

♪ ♪

I think it's cool that he asked me to get the dr*gs, because it's like he still thinks I have that hookup, you know?

And I like being that girl.

Russ: You're not really a girl.

Jess: Can you ask your husband to please be nice to me?

I'm going through too much sh*t right now to deal with you.

Lina: What about a duplex in Encino?

Russ: Mm. Like that idea. We get one house, the kids get another.

That'd be sweet. Oh, wow. This is a new direction for AJ.

Lina: Way less whore-y than usual.

Russ: Yeah.

Jess: She might... even have pubes.

Russ: Retro.

Cynthia: Hello. Hi. I'm Cynthia.

Russ: Russ. This is my wife, Lina.

Cynthia: Nice to meet you.

AJ: This is Jess. Hello.

How are you?

Cynthia: Well, thank God we're zoned for Carpenter Elementary, because only three houses over it's Moorpark.

Lina: Oh, yeah, they only got a seven out of ten.

Cynthia: Exactly. And we looked at this other house and thought about getting a virtual address.

AJ (Quietly): She's so normal.

Russ: That's good, right?

AJ (Sighs): Yeah.

Normal makes me hard. It's my new fetish.

Jess: My new fetish is men with a really leathery skin.

AJ: Mm.

Jess: I also imagine that the skin is crispy and hot to the touch. I might just want chicken.

(Laughs)

Cynthia: We have to do this again soon.

Lina: Absolutely.

Cynthia: It's so nice to meet you both.

Russ: Nice to meet you as well.

Cynthia: Bye. Get home safe.

Russ and Lina: You, too.

Russ: All right, can we stop pretending that we valeted?

Lina: Yes.

Russ: Thank you.

Lina: Cynthia's cool. What's her story?

Russ: Uh, her and her husband are splitting up. I guess it's sort of ugly.

Lina: Oh.

Russ: Mm-hmm.

Lina (Gasps): A three-bedroom in Tarzana just opened up.

Russ: Mm. Oh... wait, that's right.

AJ mentioned that Cynthia was selling her place.

Lina: Really?

Russ: Yeah.

Lina: What is she asking?

Russ: More than we can afford.

Lina: Aw.

(AJ hums a tune)

AJ: Oh, my God.You guys are gonna love this house! (Laughs)

Russ: It seems way out of our range.

AJ: No, no, no, no, dude, it's a divorce sale. Cynthia and Karl just want to unload the place.

Lina: It's really cute.

AJ: This is great for you guys.

Russ: I just...

Lina: We can look.

Russ: We can look, I just...

AJ: Hello, Yolanda. We're here!

It's a complete remodel.

Cathedral ceilings, recessed lighting... I mean, you can't get better than this, right?

Russ: Yeah, we can't afford this.

Lina: Just keep an open mind... you never know.

Russ: Mm, pretty much know.

AJ: Let me show you the kiddies' room. Great, right?

Lina: Honey, the girls could have their own rooms.

Russ: Oh, great... they should definitely have their own rooms.

Oh, but, then, I don't know, where are we gonna put the butler?

You know?

I mean, I guess Maya could share with the butler, though. Is that weird?

Lina: I hate you.

Russ: Do you think the roof's gonna be flat enough for the helipad?

AJ: Look, you know, we're both taking our time out of our days to do this with you, so just have a better attitude.

Lina: Honey, this could be your office!

Russ: Sure, why not?

AJ: Yeah. And what is Karl's sh*t doing inside your office, huh? Yech!

Lina: Okay, if we cash in your 401(K) from your old job and we get another loan from my mom...

Russ: We still won't have enough.

Lina: What if you go to work full-time for Bernie?

Russ: Which I'm not gonna do.

AJ: Guys, I can help.

What's the use of having money if you can't help your friends?

Lina: When is it available?

(AJ sighs)

AJ: I wish I knew, man. She won't give me a straight answer.

Russ: Wait, so the house might not actually be for sale?

AJ: Who knows?

It's not fair to me, it's not fair to Karl, it's not fair to you guys... we're all victims here.

Lina: So the house might be for sale.

Lina: So what's the deal with Cynthia? Is she getting divorced or not?

AJ: She keeps saying, "we'll be together soon, we'll be together soon."

What does "soon" mean? What is she talking about five years? Seven years?

You know? When she gets with me, I still want to be able to get it up.

Russ: I think we are done here.

Lina: We're not done.

Russ: Yes, we are.

Lina: We're not done.

Russ: Yeah.

Lina: I love that house.

Russ: I know, but maybe this is a sign.

That house ruined Cynthia's marriage.

Lina: The house didn't ruin their marriage.

Russ: She and Karl bought a big house, and now they are getting a divorce.

Coincidence?

Lina: Yes.

Dino: Jess?

Jess: Hey, Dino.

Dino: Damn, you look fine.

No, I'm, I'm out of the life. Have been for a while.

Jess: You're taking a break?

Dino: No, I'm done dealing. Forever.

Jess: (Chuckles) Did you get busted, Dino?

Dino: No, I was too good for that.

I just realized that slinging wasn't getting me anywhere.

I'm all about hospitality now, you know what I'm saying?

Jess: I don't. I... am so... So this is not a front?

Dino: This is a career.

Jess: Okay. All right.

Dino: Look, the only thing I'm dealing now is an exceptional guest experience.

I realized I had to think about a life path, you know? Career and sh*t.

Jess: Totally. I'm just doing this for my boss.

Dino: Oh. So you can relate. You're not somebody he respects.

You're just another hustler. Hurts, right?

Jess: I don't think that he thinks of me like that.

Dino: I hated it when people only hit me up when they needed dr*gs.

You know, some of the people I was dealing to didn't even know I had kids.

Jess: Oh, yeah. Uh, they don't? That's...

Wha... How are your... those kids?

Dino: Good. Good.

Jess: Good.

Dino: Two more reasons why I stopped pushing the powder.

Jess: That's nice. Cool.

So you've just totally severed from that world or...

Do you know anybody who still does... push the powder?

Or... I don't know what to say.

Dino: I-I gave it up completely.

Jess: I know, but did you, like, say good-bye to all of your friends?

Dino: Am I not making myself clear?

Lina: Russ?

Russ (Groggily): Huh?

Lina: Are you awake?

Russ: Huh?

Lina: Russ.

Russ: What?

Lina: I can't stop thinking about that house.

Russ: Huh?

You want to fool around?

Lina: Are you even listening to me?

Russ: (Groans) Say it back again.

Lina: What?

Russ: You. Every time we need a new place to live, you get crazy.

Lina: Well, maybe that's because we never live anywhere for more than three years.

Russ: You realize that every time you say that, it makes me feel like a total loser...

Because I don't make enough money to buy us a house.

Lina: You're not a loser 'cause you can't afford anything.

You're a loser for different reasons.

AJ said he would help.

Russ: I don't want AJ's help.

Wait, have you guys been texting?

Lina: That house is perfect for us.

Russ: We don't even know if that house is for sale, Lina.

Lina: Let's find out.

We are really worried about AJ.

We just don't want to see him get hurt.

Well, he said you had made some promises to him, that you two would be together soon.

Cynthia: Well, that's the hope.

Lina: Yeah. Right. So how soon are you thinking?

You know, because AJ's not getting any younger.

And it's not fair to him. Or to you.

Or Karl.

Cynthia: It's tricky.

Lina: AJ really cares about you.

Right, honey?

Russ: Uh, yeah.

No, he's-he's totally into you.

Cynthia: He's been a really great friend during this whole thing.

Lina: The divorce? Is that the-the thing you're talking about?

Cynthia: Okay, here's the deal...

(Phone rings) Oh, sh*t. This is Karl.

I have to get this. I'm sorry.

Lina: Yeah, of course.

Cynthia: What?

Why? You never listen to a g*dd*mn thing I say.

No, I don't want to see you.

Honestly I don't want to ever see you ever again.

The thought of seeing you disgusts me. When you touch me, it-it-it makes me want to vomit all over you. Yeah, that's how I feel...

Lina: This is amazing.

Russ: What?

Lina: You hear the way she's talking to him?

Russ: Yeah, it sounds like how you talk to me.

Lina: She doesn't love him anymore.

Russ: Huh. What are you saying?

Cynthia: That's why our sex wasn't good...

Russ: Hey. Isn't it possible that they might actually stay together?

Lina: Why are you being so negative?

Russ: Because we're trying to buy a divorce house from a couple that might not get divorced.

Lina: Maya, come here.

Your father doesn't believe that Nicole's parents are having problems so you need to do a little recon.

(Phone ringing)

Maya: How do you play recon?

Russ: (Groans) AJ.

Maya: She likes purple, she hates Bieber, and they might get a labradoodle.

Lina: What about the parents?

Maya: Mom wants the dog. Dad's allergic.

Lina: (Sighs) Is there anything else about the dad?

Maya: Sometimes he sleeps on the sofa.

Lina: Perfect. See? That's how you play recon.

Maya: That game's stupid.

Lina: You're stupid.

Russ: What?

Hey.

AJ: Dude, I am totally closing the deal for you guys.

Russ: Look, we appreciate the help, but I don't think this is gonna work out.

AJ: It's already done. Russ: What is this?

AJ: Karl's tax return.

Somebody forgot to declare income on a rental property.

You know, income tax, man, that's what brought down Capone.

Russ: AJ, I don't...

Honestly, I don't know what to do with this.

AJ: Hey. Lina and I are on the same page with this.

Get with the program.

Russ: What... program?

♪ ♪

Russ: Lina, this is crazy. We need to go home.

Lina: We can't let an opportunity like this slip away. Why should someone else get this house?

Why? I don't understand. We need a two-car garage.

Russ: Why? We have one car.

Lina: For now we have one car, but...

Russ: Uh...

Lina: Oh, and guess what else I just found out.

Karl's sleeping on the couch.

Russ: So what? I sleep on the couch. It doesn't mean we're getting divorced.

Lina: She wants this to end. She's vulnerable, she's angry.

So, like, this is perfect. We're coming in at the perfect moment in her life.

Your best friend is in love with her, and we need a house. We need a house!

Russ: You've kind of lost it at this point.

Lina: No, I haven't.

Cynthia and Karl just need a little push.

Russ: We shouldn't be pushing anybody into anything.

Lina: Look, the only way to get a house in Los Angeles is to either get rich or get lucky, and honestly, honey, I don't see us getting rich anytime soon.

Russ: Hey, I'm... I'm working on some stuff.

Lina: What stuff?

Russ: Uh, it's... Not... it's a nascent...

Lina: And it's gonna make us rich?

Russ: Yeah, it can. Or it can, you know, certainly lead to other... things that could be profitable.

(Lina fake snoring)

It's-it's just got... (Groans)

Fine. What do you want me to do?

Lina: Oh, man, I don't even know what to say. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this right now. I'm glad that you're not alone, though.

I'm glad that we're here for you.

Cynthia: I feel horrible for dragging you into this.

Lina: Oh, no, don't at all. Russ: No.

Lina: What's important right now is-is the children, you know, that they have a fresh start.

Russ: Yeah. Yeah, they need a fresh start.

Lina: Clear out the bad memories, get rid of the bad, stale air, with a new house.

Russ: Yeah, the air.

Lina: You need to sell this house... and start... over...

Cynthia: I don't know, maybe we should try counseling first.

Russ: Oh, yeah, counseling can be good, too. You know, except for the fact that it's... usually, like, a scam. It just delays the inevitable.

You know, you're at the inevitable... it's over.

Lina: And honestly, I...

(Sighs) Feel like you and AJ are really good together.

Russ: Mm-hmm.

Lina: I feel like you're gonna make it.

Russ: Yeah.

He doesn't have any tax problems.

And that's what's... a lot of times the most important piece of the relationship, is the tax stuff.

(Door opening)

♪ ♪

Amir: We need to talk. About Cynthia.

AJ (Chuckles): Why?

What about her?

Amir: She's married, man.

AJ (Chuckles): Okay, I get the picture.

Do what you're gonna do, man. Break my legs, knock out my teeth, cut my tongue out and shove it up my ass.

Amir: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

AJ: You can tell Karl it's gonna take a lot more than one of his thugs to tear us apart.

Amir: Listen, man, I'm not a tough guy. I'm here as a friend.

And Karl didn't send me. Cynthia did.

AJ: What?

Amir: We are friends, old friends... you know, we went to school together.

AJ (Chuckles): Oh, nice try.

Amir: No, seriously, man.

Here, she wants me to give you back your key.

And talk some sense into you. Her and Karl are trying to work things out.

She just want to be left alone.

AJ: She said that we were gonna be together.

Amir: She said. People say things, you know? Like, she-she lied.

AJ: But we were supposed to be together.

♪ ♪

(Sniffs)

Jess: Hi, David. David: Hey, Jess.

Jess: Uh, I need to talk to you about those tickets.

The tickets that you were looking for.

David: Oh, yeah, good.

Jess: No. Row "C" is completely sold out.

David: Oh. sh*t.

Jess: And... while I have you, I just want to say that... I really would prefer if you don't ask me about this kind of stuff again.

David: Oh.

Jess: You know, and it's really unprofessional.

(Whispers): Because also, I'm a mom.

You know? And it's... it's offensive and difficult for me that you think of me as, um... a hustler. I'm not the girl that you go to to look for your booger sugar.

David: I get it.

Jess: I'm the woman that works in your office.

And I deserve to be on Valerie's team.

David: Yeah.

♪ ♪

AJ (Singsongy): Congrats on the promotion.

So happy for you. (Sniffs) Mmm, mmm.

Jess: Calm down.

AJ: Calm down?

Jess: That wasn't easy to get.

AJ: Oh, really?

Jess: Yeah.

AJ (Chuckles): Sorry. (Jess laughs)

Seriously, I'm proud of you.

Jess: Thank you.

(Sniffs)

Sorry about Cynthia.

AJ: Yeah. I really thought we were gonna make it work.

Jess: Mm.

AJ: Seemed so... (Sniffs)

Real. (Sniffs)

Jess: Well, I hope Karl beats her.

(AJ sniffs)

AJ: Not cool.

Jess: Sorry.

But if he does, I hope he does it in front of the kids.

AJ: Well... well, is there any other way to do it?

Jess: No. If you're gonna do it, make your mark.

Russ: Lina? Lina?

Lina: Hmm?

Russ: You awake?

Lina: Mm-mm.

Russ: Sorry about the house.

I feel bad that I haven't been able to... buy the house that you want.

I know I got to make more money.

Lina: I got to get a job.

Russ: No, you don't.

Lina: Yes, I do.

Russ: I mean, it wouldn't hurt, you know. It's just...

I'm gonna bust my ass until we have enough money to own our own place.

Lina: It's okay. I think I like renting better than owning.

Russ: Really?

Lina: Yeah. Houses are a lot of work.

And if something breaks... Who's gonna fix it, you? (Both laughing)

Russ: Not a chance.

Lina: Let's face it, baby... We're renters.

♪ ♪

(golf announcer speaking indistinctly)

AJ: You feel like Mexican tonight?

Amir: Anything but pizza.

AJ: How about pizza?