01x02 - Sex Tape, r*cist, Hunting

[bunniefuu]

Life... it's literally all we have.

But is it any good?

I'm a reviewer, but I don't review food, books, or movies.

I review life itself.

Viva la revolucion!

[Cheering]

[Taser crackling] Aah! Aah!

[Fanfare playing]

♪ ♪

Hello, and welcome to review.

I'm Forrest MacNeil, and tonight we shall continue our exploration of the adventure that is life.

Whatever experience you're curious about, I will do it and review it.

And I'm not alone. I've been paired with a co-host.

Here to field your inquiries is A.J. Gibbs.

You ready, Forrest?

I am ready. Let's go!

Okay!

[Chuckles]

From Angela in Seattle, Washington, D.C.

Uh, well...

Hello, Forrest, how are you?

We bought our house from the estate of a couple who committed su1c1de, and in the attic, we found this videotape of them having sex.

I guess my question is, why would anyone film themselves doing that?

Thank you for your time.

A very polite young lady.

Hmm, who wants to know what it's like to make a sexually explicit videotape.

Don't tell me you've never done that before, Forrest, okay?

The most buttoned-up guys... they are always the freakiest.

No, no, my wife and I have... [Clears throat]

Never done anything like that, but I suppose we're about to.

Word of advice?

Yes.

Don't forget to take the lens cap off the camera, otherwise you may find that you're having sex with your wife for no reason.

Yes, thank you. That's helpful.

The sex tape... let's find out what that's all about.

This review would require me to test the limits of my inhibitions in the interest of humanity, and there was no time for sit-ups.

To understand the hows and whys of the sex tape, I asked my intern to compile the essentials of the genre.

So, uh, One Night in Paris.

This is kind of like the Apocalypse Now of celebrity sex tapes.

Then you've got Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, which is kind of like the Citizen Kane, I guess?

Wait, wait. Turn on your filter light.

In short order, the how was clear enough... dirty talk and confusing sexual positions... but the why remained elusive.

That is disgusting.

There's a very good reason that most people have sex in the dark.

It feels better than it looks.

Thank you, Lucille. Oh.

Take it!

Rob Lowe, huh?

[Indistinct chatter on computer]

It simply didn't make sense to me.

Just breaks my heart how... Can we not talk?

I really just want to focus on this.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

In order to understand the appeal of making a sex tape, I was going to need the assistance of a willing partner.

Have you outdone yourself?

I think I have outdone myself.

Ask me why I made my specialty tonight.

Why did you make your specialty tonight, honey?

Well, just for the Halibut. [Both laughing]

That's a lot of fun.

That is a lot of fun.

To us.

To us. Mm.

Both: Mmm.

Hey, listen, I told Eric that he should stay over at Clayton's house tonight.

Oh, okay.

I have a shopping list for you, if you don't mind.

Shopping list? No, no, no.

No, I thought we might do something a little more interesting with our alone time.

Oh, okay, I get it, yeah.

Uh-huh, yeah.

In fact, I thought we might...

Oh, all right.

Mix it up a little bit tonight.

What were you thinking?

I was thinking we might document the proceedings "ce soir"... tonight.

What do you mean?

Hmm?

How... how would we...

I bought a video camera, and I thought we could...

Ugh! You want to make a sex tape?

Yeah!

No, gross!

Why?

What are you, a freshman in college?

No, no, no. What if people saw it?

What if Eric found it?

No, don't sweetheart, we'll make sure Eric doesn't see it until long after we're dead.

No, that is not I can't even believe you would want to do... that's not like you.

It's creepy.

I'm very surprised by this reaction of yours. [Sighs]

I thought you might think it would be kind of fun.

Man, Forrest.

I think it would be fun.

You were so close, you know? You were on the green!

All you had to do was just putt it.

That's exactly what I was doing.

No, you shanked it right into the woods!

Thanks for nothing, all right?

Well, think about it.

I thought about it. No.

[Light switch clicks]

I'd never even considered being unfaithful to Suzanne.

She is my best friend and confidante, my partner in life.

Though horrified and scandalized by the very thought of it, I would have to make my tape...

Say hello to your folks. Bye.

Without Suzanne.

[Soft rock music]

♪ ♪

Her name was Katrina series 3, a $4,000, state-of-the-art, synthetic sex doll.

She was made of latex rubber built around a highly pose-able skeleton, and she featured what I was assured was a very lifelike, five-speed, vibrating vag*na.

Ahh.

You ready?

If Katrina had any qualms about appearing in a sex tape with me, she kept them to herself.

This feels weird for me too.

♪ ♪

[Grunting]

Katrina's alluring titanium infrastructure gave her a weight of over 100 pounds, an obvious design flaw, since there's no possible way I'm the most out-of-shape person who owns one of these.

But somehow, she and I would find a way to ecstasy.

Oh!

[Winces] Oh.

I am not proud of what you are about to see.

Hello, and welcome to my sex tape.

Hello, and welcome to my sex tape.

All right. [Clears throat]

[Sighs]

I wasted no time in putting my sex-tape research to work, Your eyes are... are just, uh...

I want you to know, uh...

This doesn't always go well for me.

[Grunts]

This doesn't feel right. Oh, God!

This leg is all the way... all the way back.

[Straining] This is nearly impossible!

I had been feeling self-counscious but sex tapes are supposed to look ugly.

That adds to the hot factor.

Oh, no.

Sorry about that, my darling.

[Phone ringing] Oh, God.

[Pop music]

♪ ♪

Yeah, MacNeil residence.

Oh, hey, Forrest.

Oh, hi, Suzanne. Yes, hello.

I thought for a second I might have left the oven on.

No. Well, say hello to your parents.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Love you. I'll see you in the morning.

[Sighs]

That was a work thing.

Eventually, my physical pleasure and the speed of Katrina's vag*na intensified, and my awareness of the camera fell away completely.

[Snoring] And then my awareness of everything fell away, as I surrendered to the heavy sleep of the sexually satisfied man.

I had overcome great fears to make what I hoped was the Titanic of sex tapes.

Forrest?

Did you drink a half a bottle of my brandy?

Oh, Suzanne.

Oh, my God!

That is nobody. That is literally nobody.

How could you do this to us?

No, I'm serious, that's nobody. What's going on?

Oh, my God, Eric, go to Clayton's house, okay?

Daddy is very sick.

I hate this family!

Look, look, look, look, look.

Oh, my God, it's just a doll.

It's just a doll.

What... [Sighs]

That's why it smells like burning sneaker in here.

I know.

Open a [Bleep] window.

Okay, sorry, look...

What did you think you were doing?

Oh, God.

Forrest, if I had known you were so determined to make a sex video, I would... I would have done it.

If you need to do this kind of weird [bleep], then I want to be involved.

Okay, I don't want to judge.

Really?

I'll betcha it would be even better with you than it was...

You "betcha"?

I... well, I... no, it... yeah. No, obviously it would.

Of course it would. Of course it would.

Whatever trepidations I might have had about filming it, the footage of me shoehorning myself into that rubber lady has somehow become a reliable source of foreplay in our household.

So, if the point of making a sex tape is to spice up your sex life, I have to say... it worked.

"Making a sex tape"... four stars.

On to our next review.

Ooh, our next review came to us in an email...

Mm-hmm.

From "Toomuchtanya2000", oh, in Madison, Wisconsin.

Racism... a dislike of others just because they're different.

Well, I guess I'm gonna have to change my outlook and become... a r*cist.

For you, my black friend.

Before I embarked on my journey of race-based hatred, I paid a visit to my black neighbor, Gene, to bank some goodwill for the difficult times ahead.

I had always thought of black people simply as people and, as a consequence, didn't think much was special about them.

But now I would need to discover what it was that made them different and how I could turn that into feelings of red-hot racism.

As luck would have it, I stumbled upon a family reunion of black people, which was being held in a public park where anyone could join them.

Hi, there. [Chuckles]

You want to know who's rude? Cameron.

She says to me, "Oh, you need to do something with your hair."

[Scoffs] Unbelievable.

Over the course of a productive and enjoyable afternoon of interracial eavesdropping, I learned an enormous amount of unflattering things about black people.

Who invited you, again?

They insult your hair when their weave looks terrible, they sh**t off their mouths to Derrick about things that don't concern them, and, most infuriatingly, they won't stop talking about their catering business.

Was it difficult to earn their trust?

So long, everybody!

I now had the amm*nit*on to get seriously r*cist.

Hey, shut up about your catering business!

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Actually, can you make that a diet coke, please?

I am watching my calories, and I know you're gonna run along and tell that to Derrick.

Derrick?

I know few things.

Oh, good. Yes, thank you.

Right next to the other one, please.

It was necessary for my new r*cist attitude to pervade my entire life, including at the workplace.

Attention, everyone! New policy.

This will be strictly, harshly, enforced.

[Toilet flushes]

But these new systems were difficult to maintain in the modern world.

I was, for instance, not able to explain where white women were supposed to go to the bathroom.

[Sighs]

My efforts were causing more confusion than oppression.

Wait. This one is the color copier?

Isn't it that one?

This is the colored copier.

That one is the color copier.

So this is the black-and-white copier?

That's the white copier.

Look, I just need to make a color copy.

Well, go ahead and do it.

Just don't use the colored copier.

The white copier is better anyway.

It makes colored copies.

I don't know what I can possibly do to make this more clear.

You could write "people" under them.

However, a visit from our head of human resources let me know I was on the right track.

Hello.

You've put the entire company in an extremely difficult situation.

You have to stop this.

Sharon, what race are you?

You're not supposed to ask people that.

Well, if you don't tell me, I'll just assume the worst.

I was forced to attend a sensitivity training class, where I was subjected to a glorious gold mine or racially charged hate language.

Yes?

How would you use [Bleep] in a sentence?

The point is, you're not gonna use it in a sentence.

If you're uncertain as to anything you're saying, whether it's gonna be offensive or not...

Hey, how many [Bleep] does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know.

I don't know either.

They're all too busy [Bleep] their cousins.

[Chuckles]

[Whispering] Thank you.

Eh.

[Normal voice] I'm Forrest.

I too am intolerant of those who don't share my race.

My new friend was called Jim, and he was a true connoisseur of race-based hatred, as I learned when he invited me back to his lair.

Ever notice the lower that they wear their pants, the lower our property values go.

Hmm.

You got a president that wants to take away our g*ns?

You know who else wanted to take away the g*ns?

Yeah. Well, you like h*tler.

Yeah, yeah, I-I like the way he started out.

Okay.

But when he started with the Obama stuff, that's when it all went downhill. Yep.

You're like me.

Mm-hmm.

What do we have in common?

We have a lot in common, see? We are white.

Why do they say black people are better dancers than white people?

I'm a great dancer!

After meeting Jim, I realized I had to take my racism up a notch. How about that?

[Indistinct chatter]

At last, I was prepared to infect everyone around me with a virulent strain of the social disease that is racism.

Why is there a black man and his baby mama in my home?

Hmm? Somebody call the cops.

[Laughter]

Well, no, I don't think that will be necessary, but I am gonna have to ask you to leave.

[Laughter] Yeah, right.

But being a convincing r*cist was harder than I'd ever imagined.

I'm sorry. I'm afraid I'm quite serious, okay?

We cannot have you here mixing with our white women!

[Laughter]

Excuse me! There is nothing funny about what the black man is doing to our country!

I don't know what everybody is laughing about, but I am tired of you black people bringing down our property values and our schools and never shutting up about your catering business!

To have the desired effect, I would need to cross a boundary which must never be crossed and say what must never be said.

Laugh it up, you [Bleep]!

[Woman laughing]

[Woman stops laughing]

I am a r*cist now. Deal with it.

[Sighs]

Okay, so you've become an overt r*cist all of a sudden?

What do you mean by that? What do you mean "overt r*cist"?

I mean, there's always been some racism in you, but I've never seen you proud of it.

How has there been racism in... what are you talking about?

Okay, do you remember last year, you asked everyone on the block but me to keep your key while you went on vacation?

Yeah, well, you were not home.

We... we were home.

You were home?

We were home.

And you've asked me three different times if I went to college on a basketball scholarship.

You did, didn't you?

No.

Oh, my God.

You didn't go to college on a basketball scholarship?

I'm 5'7", Forrest.

Look at him. No.

And when president Obama was elected, you congratulated me.

Well, you voted for him, right?

[Scoffs]

I was surprised to find that, like Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense... spoiler alert...

I had been a r*cist all along.

Gene, it seems, had learned to live with that fact long ago, but he did give me one very important piece of advice.

Never, ever... and I do recommend this... go around calling anybody that.

Oh, that... yeah, I'll get rid of that one, 'cause that seemed to upset everyone.

Yeah.

Up till now, it's been a blessing to be in denial about my r*cist feelings.

Acknowledging them has made me feel as stupid and disgusting as that moron with the n*zi flag.

Being a r*cist... half a star.

Ugh, Forrest.

Yes?

No, it should get no stars.

Well, we don't do zero stars.

But it's racism.

Yes, but half a star is our lowest rating.

We had a long meeting about it.

This is not the first.

Who knew? [Laughs]

I didn't.

No, well, you might have.

Yeah.

[Fanfare plays]

I can't wait to find out what's in store for me next.

You don't have to wait, Forrest.

Good.

This one's from @meatsmurders in Ridgewood, New Jersey. She tweets...

Wow, having to hunt and k*ll an animal to eat it.

I admit... that makes me very, very squeamish.

But I guess I'm going to have to do what all men once did out of sheer, savage necessity... round up a television crew and head to the hunt.

I've chosen this spot here in the Angeles Crest National Forest, a place where I can find an animal and slay it and skin it and then devour it.

And I'm here under cover of darkness because there simply wasn't time to arrange for the necessary permits, and so we're... we're just doing it this way.

I'm accompanied by my father-in-law, Jack Walthall, who brought along the r*fle and the hunting smarts and also the rugged individualism of a bygone era, right?

Hello.

Very good.

Now, Jack, you had a very interesting and sort of clever-sounding hunting ploy.

You care to share that with us?

Oh.

Well, it's not really my idea, Forrest.

It's S.O.P... It's standard operating... (bleep)

Uh, right.

It's doe's scent.

It's estrus urine of a doe.

Now, this will attract a buck, and then all you need to do is fire a b*llet off at his vital organs, and you're in business.

Yes, good. Okay.

Very good. That's pretty ingenious.

I think we can all agree, but I'm about to take it a big step forward.

Josh, will you please bring the Doe-coy out here, won't you?

Okay.

I happened to be in possession of a nonreturnable $4,000 sex doll, and I was eager to find alternate uses for her.

Her specific talent seemed perfect for tonight's mission.

What is that?

It looks like a beautiful dead lady.

Yes, well, on any other night, perhaps, but tonight she is the sexiest doe in all of Southern California.

Oh, that looks great!

That's even better than I thought it would look.

I've seen worse in bars, I'll tell you.

[Laughs]

You have?

That's fantastic.

Hey, come and get her, all you bucks!

Trust me, she's no prude! [Laughter]

She's into whatever you're into!

[Laughter] That's great.

Hey, Josh, please, you brought the bolt cutters, right?

In truth, the idea of a firearm in the hands of a 75-year-old man in low-visibility conditions made me terribly nervous, but I was determined to carry on for the sake of human understanding.

Well, it does seem a little bit cruel to get the bucks' hopes up like this, you know?

They think they're gonna get some action, right?

[Chuckles] But when you're hunting, you use every tool at your disposal, right?

Whether it's a g*n or a superior intellect.

Now, my question is, where the best place...

[tiger roars]

Oh!

[All screaming, tiger roaring]

What the heck?

Mr. MacNeil!

[Screaming, animals roaring]

What's happened?

Mr. MacNeil!

He's eating me!

[Screams]

[Animals screeching]

Mr. MacNeil, where are you?

Forrest, where are you?

The tiger is attacking me!

This is a God damn tiger!

I got him! I got him!

He's over there!

Oh, God!

Oh, my [Bleep] God!

[Tiger growls]

There's a [Bleep] tiger!

Are you all right?

No!

What can we do to help?

sh**t the tiger!

Oh.

Stand back.

[Screams]

[g*nsh*t]

[All screaming, shouting]

[g*nshots]

As it turns out, we accidently drove into silver-screen star Tippi Hedren's big-cat preserve.

And then the age-old rivalry of man versus beast played out once again.

Like the ancient hunters, in the end, our mastery of tools saved me.

In this case, the tiger choked on my microphone and d*ed.

Better him than you.

It would have been so sad to keep doing the show without you.

Sad, yes, but also impossible.

Right. That's what I said.

Impossible.

Yes.

Hunting is a mixed bag... terrifying, exhilarating, and fairly cruel...

3 1/2 stars.