01x03 - Pancakes; Divorce; Pancakes

[bunniefuu]

Life... it's literally all we have.

But is it any good?

I'm a reviewer, but I don't review food, books, or movies.

I review life itself.

Viva la revolucion!

[Cheering]

[Taser crackling]

Aah! Aah!

[Fanfare playing]

♪ ♪

Hello, and welcome to review.

I'm Forrest MacNeil, and as always, I will review any experience you want me to, no matter what it is.

You ready, Forrest?

Yes, I am.

Okay.

This comes from Nick in Syosset, New York.

Aha.

Hey, Forrest.

So, on the back of this box of pancake mix, they tell you how to make 15 pancakes, but it doesn't tell you how to make any fewer than that.

So here's the thing... I live alone.

Do they expect me to eat 15 pancakes?

What's it like to eat 15 pancakes?

No. Really?

That's the, uh... that's the profound life experience he wants to know about... eating 15 pancakes?

That's his request, so...

Yes, that is... [Clears throat]

The request that has been made.

Okay, Nick, I'm going to cover your request in butter and syrup and dig in to try to find some important meaning in a giant, steaming pile of flapjacks.

Eating 15 pancakes.

Yum.

Ahh.

Though this task was clearly more suited to a fraternity brother who had lost a bet than to a life reviewer, I prepared my stomach and my nerves for a very large breakfast.

The world record for pancakes eaten in one sitting is 73 pancakes.

That is held by a Russian man whose life must be an unendurable hellscape of excruciating sadness.

Personally, I doubt I've ever had more than two pancakes in a month.

Okay, five tall stacks of pancakes.

Yes.

They say back in the kitchen, if you can finish it all, we'll put your picture up on the wall.

Mm, no, I don't think so, but thank you.

May I have an enormous amount of water, please?

You got it.

All right, good.

This certainly is an upsetting number of pancakes.

Here we go.

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

They're tasty...

For now.

♪ ♪

Three pancakes in, and I already feel that I have greatly overindulged.

I am full of pancakes.

Any rational person feeling the way I do now would definitely stop.

[Chuckles]

♪ ♪

There's a very loud thrumming in my ears.

The blood feels very slow.

Oh, God.

I have now eaten ten pancakes, and on the bright side, I can see the light at the end of this disgusting tunnel, but...

It has now been 45 minutes since I started eating, and the pancakes are no longer hot.

These aren't food.

You're gonna be fine, baby.

With 1 1/2 pancakes to go, I had hit a wall.

My producer, Grant, made the unprecedented move of stepping out from behind the cameras to provide much needed moral support.

Hey, you know you got to finish these pancakes, right?

Yeah.

You do, man.

Mm.

This is your show. Don't bail on it.

Go away, please.

I'm just doing what you told me to do.

I'm not going to let you back down.

Remember?

"Even if I beg to stop, don't let me."

That's what you said.

This one is really stupid.

Do you remember what you told me about the guy who spent all his time growing fungus on a stick?

And everybody told him to knock it off, and he was gonna, until it turned out to be penicillin.

Mm-hmm.

This could be your penicillin, Forrest.

[Sighs]

[Suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

[Laughter, cheers, and applause]

You did it. You did it!

[Laughing]

Okay, I'll take this when you're ready.

As I left the restaurant, I scanned my soul for some greater wisdom to share with humanity.

[Heaving]

[Spits] Ugh.

[Groaning softly]

Yeah, there's not really a whole lot more to say about that.

It was extremely unpleasant and should be avoided at all costs.

Eating 15 pancakes... half a star.

All right, A.J., I hope my next review is a little more substantial than my last one.

We'll see.

Yeah.

Okay, this comes from Lady Tara in St. Louis, Missouri.

Ah.

Hello. What's it like to get a divorce?

Oh, no.

What's it like to, uh...

What it's like to... to get divorced? [Clears throat]

Uh...

This review would indeed be substantial.

Ending my marriage was by far my weightiest review yet.

This would test the limits of personal sacrifice.

Suzanne and I have enjoyed the most loving, functional marriage in MacNeil family history.

I just want to do whatever you want.

And though we had our arguments, we always managed to work things out.

Was all that really going to end?

No!

Whoo!

Before undoing 14 years with the love of my life, I needed to review the terms of this exercise.

What if I, like, just married someone else for a day or a week or whatever and then just divorced that person, you know...

Well, look, if you want ideas for easy ways out of things, you've come to the right place.

But this isn't about finding loopholes.

This is about committing to the standard that you set.

[Phone ringing]

"Even if I beg for help...

Don't let me out," right?

Yeah.

Who said that?

[Whispering] I did.

[Normal voice] You're good at this.

It seemed that to honor my commitment to this show, I would have to rend my family in two.

There was no way around it.

Hi.

[Sighs]

Pfff.

There's something I need to talk with you about.

Okay.

I want a divorce.

[Laughs]

Ha ha. Good one, Forrest.

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

Do you want me to make root-beer floats?

Forrest?

I'm not joking.

What?

What are you talking about?

I'm divorcing you.

What?

[Sighs] I can't tell you how terrible it feels.

Wait, why? Why... why is this happening?

[Breathing heavily] Okay.

Why not?

Why not?

Yeah.

Forrest, things have been just as good between us as they've ever been.

Well, maybe there's something to be said for going out on a high note, you know?

A high note?

Uh...

Okay, are you... are you seeing someone?

No, I'm not seeing... I'm really not.

I wish I could tell you that I was.

Okay, well, then is it a midlife crisis or something?

'Cause we could work on it together.

[Groaning]

I'll be here for you.

Why does there have to be a reason?

Why... what... there has to be a reason, Forrest.

Stop looking for a reason!

We have to get divorced!

Why?

Enough of being married!

I know this is very hard.

This is really hard.

This is a lot harder than I thought it was gonna be.

[Crying] You don't love me.

No, listen, I really do.

That's it. You don't love me.

No, I really do.

I really do love you.

Oh, my God, Eric.

What are we gonna do about Eric?

Ah, yeah.

[Groans]

[Huffs and puffs]

He is not gonna like this.

He's not gonna like it?

That's your answer? He's not gonna like it?

Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Okay.

All right, look, people get divorced all the t...

Don't touch me!

You are gonna die alone! Do you understand?

I loved you more than anyone would love you!

Yeah.

You're weird!

So get out of here.

Well, I thought I would sleep on the couch.

Do you know if there's any clean single sheets?

I want you out of here.

[Sentimental music]

My sudden singlehood landed on me like a ton of bricks.

I was, in a word, completely devastated.

Oh! [Thud]

[Metal clatters]

♪ ♪

And I would spend my first night alone in the cold embrace of the job that had destroyed my marriage.

♪ ♪

Oh, hey!

[Groans]

Josh, why are you sleeping in my office?

'Cause you pay me in college credits.

Can you turn off the light? You're k*lling me.

You sleep here every night?

Yeah.

How long have you been doing that?

Since the beginning.

That's why I took the internship.

You guys don't have a security guard.

[Sighs]

I have to have meetings on that couch.

That's a... that's a work couch.

Close the door!

Oh, God.

Deprived of the comforts of married life, a divorced man might find himself experiencing something like loneliness... desperate loneliness.

[Sobbing]

Hey, Mr. MacNeil... is getting older really that sad?

[Somber music]

♪ ♪

Without Suzanne, every aspect of my daily life was numbed by sadness, which is among the worst of our emotions and one of the saddest.

What are you doing? Oh! Okay. All right.

Difficult conversations were... difficult.

Seeing people together reminded me that I was not together.

Love songs became unbearable.

♪ Lick it tight now, do it, boy ♪
♪ Lick it up and down ♪
♪ Suck it, lick it, lick it tight now ♪

Suzanne! [Sobs]

And then Suzanne requested a meeting.

I concluded that she was going to ask me to reconcile, and I did not know if I'd have the strength to resist.

Hi, Forrest.

Hi.

Come on in.

Yeah, I'm so glad that you called.

Hey, I want you to meet my lawyer, Mark.

Oh.

Forrest, it's a pleasure to meet you.

Hello. How are you?

Okay. What's this about?

Well, sit, sit, sit. Can I get you anything?

Uh...

No.

Okay.

[Sighs]

Listen, you really surprised me with all of this, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized, "You know what? You're right."

Oh.

We have been holding each other back.

You know, I mean, all I've ever done for you is just reassured you through your many insecurities.

Yeah.

"Am I losing my hair?"

You know, "Do my bangs look thinner?"

I know.

"I'm sorry... this didn't seem to work tonight."

Okay, okay, okay.

"Maybe we can try again on the weekend."

Yep, yep, yep.

You know, it's, like, all of that, and I don't have answers to those questions, but a real strong person would have said, "Hey, face them."

I feel like you're just so content with who I am, you've lost interest with the person I want to become.

She's already learning how to surf.

[Chuckles]

I just...

I'm not good yet.

No, she's fantastic.

What is this? Hello or good-bye or... hang loose, yeah.

Okay.

Don't worry about her is what I'm trying to say.

That's great. It's great news.

That's all I can say...

Good.

Because, you know, obviously, for me to feel like we had to end the marriage and for you to then not feel the same way...

Oh.

Yeah, that would be just...

Both: Devastating.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

God, this is great.

Great.

Well, you know what?

Before you go, Mark has just prepared some documents for you.

Mm.

It basically just says that you agree to uncontested mediation.

Sure.

Look through it at your leisure.

Nah.

No crazy rush.

Go ahead and sign it right now.

Okay.

Wow.

It shows a lot of care for what you had to let people be free for the future.

Thank you for your insight.

Well, uh, I g... yeah.

I'm gonna go.

Okay.

Thanks.

It was great seeing you.

Yeah, uh...

What's happening now? Okay.

Oh.

Hmm.

No, I...

Uh...

Do you need help? Is it locked or...

No, no, I got it. Thanks.

Okay.

[Clicks tongue]

Okay.

All right.

Take care.

Yeah. Yeah.

[Moaning, flesh slapping]

Oh, my God.

[Moaning]

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Wait, slow down, slow down.

Oh.

Ugh!

No.

Okay, okay... oh, oh!

[Glass shatters] Oh, oh.

[Laughs]

What are you doing?

Do you have a condom?

No.

Okay. Okay, sorry. Go back to bed.

[Sighs]

Want me to just eat you out?

[Sobbing]

Divorce... a big deal.

On the one hand, I've lost the person with whom I planned to spend the rest of my life.

On the other hand, I would not have learned of her fundamental unhappiness had I not divorced her.

So that's a... that's a... that's a plus.

Divorce, therefore, gets...

[Sentimental music]

♪ ♪

[Triumphant fanfare]

[Laughing]

What is my next review?

Okay...

I just got divorced for this show.

I don't care what happens next.

Okay, next is from @christylaplant in Augusta, Georgia.

Beautiful town.

Yep.

She wants to know...

"What is it like to eat 30 pancakes?"

30 pancakes?

Yep.

This is a different person from the 15-pancake person?

Yep.

It's two different people.

Yeah. Yep.

Doesn't seem possible.

Here we are. Yep.

What's it like to eat 30 pancakes?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Go, Forrest! Go, Forrest, go!

Go, go!

It would be challenging to find meaning in any life experience now that my life had no meaning.

Also, I hate that kid in the glasses, and Augusta, Georgia, is a [Bleep]hole.

The idea of eating twice the number of pancakes that laid me so low last time should have filled me with a sense of dread or fear, but I felt nothing.

I greeted the prospect of all this pan-fried dough with only a vast, empty numbness.

Hey, it's Mr. Pancakes!

Bring me ten tall stacks of pancakes.

What? You got to be kidding me.

Oh, my God.

Hey, Philippe, guess what!

[Chuckling]

[Foreboding music]

♪ ♪

And then, from somewhere deep and previously unknown, there sprang a reserve of fortitude and courage.

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Or was it resignation...

Or fatalism...

Or nihilism?

♪ ♪

Or perhaps I simply understood, from the darkest corner of my soul, that these pancakes couldn't k*ll me because I was already dead.

That's my boy.

All right.

[Vomiting]

♪ ♪

[Spits] Ugh.

[Spits] Ugh. Mm.

Folks, I have no more desire to get through the rest of my life than I did to eat those pancakes.

[Vomits]

But I ate them.

And the knowledge that I can keep going when all seems lost... that's a great thing to acquire.

Eating 30 pancakes... five stars.