01x08 - Marry; Run; Party

[bunniefuu]

Life... it's literally all we have.

But is it any good?

I'm a reviewer, but I don't review food, books, or movies.

I review life itself.

Viva la revolucion!

[Cheering]

[Taser crackling] Aah! Aah!

[Fanfare music]

Welcome to Review.

I'm Forrest MacNeil, performing an important service to society by reviewing life experiences.

And I am ably assisted, as always, by A.J. Gibbs.

Hi, Forrest.

Hi.

Let's get right to it, shall we?

Yes!

What's my first review?

All right, Forrest.

This next question comes to us from Olivia, in Swarthmore, Pennsylvania.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for seven years, and he's still not ready to get married.

But I don't get why it's taking so long.

I mean, if you've found the right person, wouldn't it be just as good to marry them the day you met them?

Oh, my God, Forrest, are you gonna marry someone?

Uh, yes.

I think I'm gonna cry.

Really?

Oh, yeah, I'm really happy for you, 'cause you seem lonely.

I seem lonely because I am, yes.

That's right. I'm incredibly lonely.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

To this Review, I say, "I do."

Handsome, athletic, and completely normal media professional seeks wife today.

I hadn't tried to reenter the dating pool since divorcing my wife, Suzanne.

Was I about to find a woman who would make me forget all the good times of my first marriage?

It seemed impossible, but I was willing to be proven wrong.

With a pink carnation in my lapel, I will be prepared to marry the first woman who joins me.

You can imagine the excitement I felt as I waited for my new wife to walk through that door.

But as 6:00 became 7:00...

And then 7:30, I began to consider different approaches, such as targeting undocumented immigrants or closeted lesbians.

And then, everything changed.

[Sighs] Thank God, you're still here.

Oh, my God.

Uh, yes, hello.

Hello.

Uh... [Laughs]

I'm... I'm Forrest.

Hi, I'm Eliza.

Eliza.

Wow, okay.

Wow.

Uh, thank you for coming.

Thank you. [Laughs]

Okay.

Eliza exuded a sense of wonder about the world that was positively infectious.

It's gonna sound crazy, but I feel like the hand of the universe is always guiding us in ways that we can't possibly understand.

Huh.

And all we can do is just not fight it.

I had never met anyone like her before in my life.

Amazing.

So I'm not a big dream person...

Hmm.

But I do have this recurring dream that I live on a submarine.

[Chuckles] it's... I know it sounds crazy, but it's... it's a dream.

Yeah.

So, I was on the Internet today, trying to figure out if I could maybe visit one sometime, just for fun.

Mm-hmm.

And then, a few clicks later, I'm staring at your ad.

[Clicks tongue] Wow.

I feel like, when two people are meant to be together...

Mm.

The universe just finds a way for them to find each other.

Yeah.

Maybe this is written in the stars.

In the stars?

I can't believe you just said that.

[Laughs]

'Cause stars are kind of my thing.

[Both chuckling]

This is gonna seem crazy...

When Eliza first sat down, I thought I needed to marry her to do the review I had gotten.

Now, to my astonishment, I realized I needed to get this review in order to meet and marry Eliza.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

Yes?

Yes!

You will?

[Laughs] Yes. Yes! [Laughs]

Well, let's...

[Sighs]

You may now kiss the bride.

And just like that, my loneliness was over.

For the second and last time, I had found my soul mate.

[All talking]

This is amazing! [Laughter]

Come on.

Let's find a place to have a honeymoon.

Eliza and I wasted no time starting our new lives together.

We moved into her house, a mansion that she shared with several free-spirited housemates.

Taylor and Sarah, hi!

Hello.

Toby.

He used to be my kid.

That's a child... "used to be"?

Hi, guys. [Laughs]

This is the sex truck.

I'm sorry, this is the sex truck?

Dr. Ericson!

Everyone here seemed to have signed on to a life lived in the here and now.

It was immediately obvious to me that these were my people.

[Laughter] Oh, my.

I got married!

[Laughter]

Oh, yeah.

Pretty big news.

Yeah.

Mazel tov, man.

I smell lentils.

There was a fire in your room.

Fire?

Your stuff's out in the yurt.

Cool.

Oh, stuff's out in the yurt.

Great. Sure.

Look at that.

Can you believe I found this stuff on the street?

Yes, I can.

[Dog barking]

As we settled in to our new life together, I was filled with a sense of anticipation for the future I hadn't felt since my youth.

[Sighs]

Oh, um...

[Sighs]

Sweetheart?

[Snores]

The less you know about your spouse when you get married, the more wonderful surprises remain to be discovered as you build a life together.

Uh, but before we go any further, I want to bring you... will you come out here, please?

Come on out.

Okay.

Yes, come up on stage. I want you here for this.

A.J...

Oh.

I would like you to meet Mrs. Eliza MacNeil.

Hello. [Laughs]

Oh, hi.

Am I your co-host or something?

[Laughs]

I want you to help me with this.

Okay.

Will you do this with me?

Yeah.

Okay, ready?

Marrying someone you just met.

One...

Two...

Three...

Four...

Both: Five stars!

[Laughter]

Five stars.

And I give five stars to nothing.

[Laughs]

I mean, I've hardly given five stars to anything, seriously.

You!

[Laughter]

[Fanfare music]

What a glorious show this is.

What a glorious life!

Hmm.

I cannot wait to find out what my next review is.

Go, A.J. Do it, do it.

Our next review comes to us from Prescott in Baton Rouge...

Louisiana!

[Laughs]

That's right.

Yeah, that's right.

Yep.

Good point. That's a good point.

He writes...

Oh, my goodness. Wow.

"What is it like to run from the law"?

[Scoffs, laughs]

Wow, okay.

I guess I'm about to go on the run.

I guess we're about to go on the run.

Will you come with me?

Sure, I want to do everything together from now on.

My God.

All right.

[Kiss]

Try not to get sh*t!

Both: Thank you!

Yeah.

[Laughter] No problem.

Oh.

Look at this. Look at this.

Told you.

Cops love this place.

Let's do this.

[Laughs]

[Both moan]

You're amazing.

You're amazing.

Here we go.

Good luck out there.

Oh, boy. Okay.

The plan is that I'm gonna throw this brick through the window at those police officers.

This ought to get their blood boiling.

Now, the idea of committing an act against the police is absolutely terrifying.

[g*nsh*t]

Ooh!

[All screaming]

All right, anybody move and this cop dies!

No!

Let's go.

Eliza, what are you doing?

Let's go, let's go.

Get in the car.

What are you doing?

Get in the car!

What happened?

Get in the car!

Where are we taking this man?

We're kidnapping this guy!

No! I was just gonna throw a brick!

[Sirens approaching]

Get in there!

All right.

Get in the car!

Okay.

I swear to [Bleep] God, I want to k*ll you!

I would love to k*ll you!

Get in, get in!

Oh, God.

What do I do with the brick?

I don't know what to do with the brick... oh!

Go!

Drive! Drive!

We had a plan!

We had a really good plan!

Nobody's gonna chase us if you throw a brick through a window.

Oh, God. Don't sh**t us!

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

Stop or I'll sh**t!

So far, being on the run is a terrible, terrible experience.

Don't do it! This is horrible.

All right, what are we doing?

Although I was at first concerned with her zealousness...

Switching cars.

Eliza's help in executing this review was proving invaluable.

Hey, what are you doing?

Setting this car on fire!

That's just seltzer water. Hey, hey, hey!

Then help me...

Wait, wait, wait!

He's running away!

Destroy the evidence.

Where did you go? Hey!

Where did you go?

I don't know.

Did you see where he went?

Hey, hey, hey!

Where is he?

He's here, he's here.

He's here. Hey, stop it!

[Shouting]

Get back here!

I swear to God, I will k*ll you.

Hey, stop it!

I swear to God, I'll k*ll you!

Stop, stop, just stop.

Can you put the g*n down please?

Okay, you think this is the first time I've kidnapped a cop before?

Okay, nope...

Who are you?

I'm Mrs. Forrest MacNeil!

Now get in the car! [Bleep] Amateurs!

All right, let's just go.

[Engine revs]

You're in neutral.

Okay.

What are you guys, sending this tape to the police and asking for a ransom?

What? We don't want money.

We just want to see what it feels like to be on the run from the cops.

Like a Bonnie and Clyde kind of thing?

You think this is a movie? This is real life.

Bonnie and Clyde were real people, actually.

Yes, but it's a movie first.

No, it was real people first.

Shut up!

Feelings of intense fear and paranoia seemed to be clouding our judgment.

[Water running]

Okay.

[Sighs]

Okay, great. Now change clothes.

I... why... I-I do not understand any of this, to be honest with you.

Sweetie, the cops are gonna be looking for a guy that looks like Igor did this morning.

Right. Igor?

That's his name.

Okay.

Hello.

And put the moustache on.

I'll see you outside.

None of this make sense, but fine, okay.

I was prepared for this review to be full of unexpected twists and turns, some frightening, some exciting.

But the twists of this day were weird, and the turns completely terrible.

I was ready for sleep.

[Cackling on TV]

All right, let's turn off the TV and get some sleep, okay?

No, I'm watching it.

You're not watching, you're just flipping around.

Oh, it's Bonnie and Clyde.

We were just talking about this.

Mm.

Oh, that's so weird.

It's the universe.

What do you mean?

Eliza, please.

I've got to get to sleep.

I have to watch this.

As I drifted off to sleep, I tried to soothe myself with the knowledge that no matter where this terrifying journey took us, Eliza and I would always have each other.

And then, we didn't.

Where are they? What happened?

Oh, no.

Oh, the car is gone. Oh, God.

He must have overpowered her. Oh, no.

I've got to find her. I've got to get out of here.

I don't know where I'm gonna go, or even how I'm gonna get there, if the car is gone.

Forrest.

What's tha... okay, what... are you okay?

Yes, of course.

What happened? What's going on?

I have to tell you something.

Yes?

We got married.

Eliza and me.

We just got to talking last night.

What does that mean?

And we just...

You can't... Wha... You just met him!

I just met you!

Ou-come on.

Hey, you cannot marry two men.

What is this, the 1800s?

Listen, you are my husband...

Yes, I thought... and I-I love you more than anything.

Yeah. Mm.

Okay. Okay.

And I love Igor, more than anything.

Going on the run from the law can change your life in unpredictable ways.

Some of them are exciting, and some of them are terrible.

And some of them are cosmic.

Well, I give being on the run from the law a half... uh... a half a... and one... and one star.

[Laughter]

What do you do, just press this thing?

Yeah. I press that thing.

Oh, there it goes.

Great, uh... I usually stand up here.

Do you want to come...

Okay.

Stand with me?

Good, I'll stand here.

Okay. Yes.

Okay, yeah.

This one comes from @lawrenceoninternet in defiance, Ohio...

"Just once, I'd like to be the life of a party."

I see, okay.

I think I can do that.

I'm gonna go be the life of the party.

Love it, love it.

Here we go.

[Laughs]

I have plans, so I'm...

I'm not gonna go to the party.

You don't know what night the party is happening.

I don't... Yeah, I don't care.

My ex-wife was throwing a birthday party for our son that weekend.

Hey there, stranger! What time's the party on Sunday?

But any clown could be the hit at a children's affair.

For this review, I would be the life of my own party, in my new home with my new family.

Oh, I... excuse me.

Can you put on a pair of pants for tonight?

Put on a pair of pants?

He doesn't understand.

Nope.

How could I be more clear?

My presence has always been a lively addition to any social gathering, but being the life of the party was different.

I'd have to be the funnest person in the room, and I'd need some help from my office staff.

If at any time tonight you see me floundering... like I don't know what to do or what to say, okay?...

I need you to very discreetly read one of the questions on these cards.

You will be prompting me to tell some of my best anecdotes.

Mr. MacNeil, you got a package.

Oh, this has got to be my novelty items.

Oh.

Yes, yes! [Laughs]

This is just a box full of fun. [Laughs]

Take a look at this. "The bald men's comb."

But there's no... oh, my God, that's so funny.

Yeah.

There's no comb in there.

Hey.

Both: Hello.

Out first guests!

Hey.

[Laughs] Oh, my goodness.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Igor, I got it, I got it, I got it.

Let me welcome our first guests.

Welcome! Hey, I hope you're ready to get your party on! [Laughs]

Oh.

Uh... [Clears throat]. So...

You know, I mean, it's a typical party in most ways, uh, that we have planned.

Has anyone here ever learned to smoke their own salmon?

I'm fine. Thank you.

How are you? As more people arrived, I did my best to make meaningful connections with everyone.

Remember, we talked about the army, and how you were never in it, but enjoy the jacket.

How are you? Are you a couple? [Laughs]

All right, I can sense that you're not and I made it awkward.

Should we shake hands?

I'm doing fine. I'm doing fine.

Any entertainer will tell you, it's impossible to be all things to all people.

But that's what it means to be the life of the party, and I was determined to succeed. My friend!

I have something for you. [Laughs]

Look at the label. It's a bald man's comb, and the box is empty.

[Claps] [Laughs]

Sean, right?

No.

No?

Who wants some milk? [Laughs]

Oh, look at this!

Milk comes right out of the boob.

Why would I want milk in my beer?

Why would you want milk in your beer?

Yeah, well, I don't know, but it's funny!

[Laughs] As the evening progressed, I attracted plenty of attention to myself.

But I also attracted competitors, and there can only be one life of the party.

Hey, whoa, look at this guy. Oh, fantastic.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, that's... oh, sh**t.

No one could be more fun than me.

Whoo-hoo!

Ah!

Can I please talk to you guys?

Hey, guys.

Hey.

What you were just doing in there? was being the life of the party.

I'm trying to be the life of the party.

Just don't say anything else for the rest of the night.

And he has to go. Get... get him out of... get him out. Get him out of here, go.

Okay.

Being the life of the party was hard, and I found that not all of my efforts were appreciated by my guests.

How's that for an entrance? [Laughs]

[Sings gibberish]

♪ Get low, get low move side to side ♪

But I had one last trick up my sleeve to make this party a sensation.

Come, up, up.

It all came down to this.

Perfect.

Four, and five.

[Sighs]

[Bleep], yeah.

[Claps] [Thump]

And then, tragedy struck.

Uh...

[Clicking]

Hello!

Someone is stuck in the bathroom!

Gentleman in the Indian headdress, if you can hear me, I'm in the bathroom over here!

[Banging]

Someone is stuck in the bathroom!

I'm sure they're gonna come and look for me.

I mean, the life of the party is stuck in the bathroom.

They're gonna wonder where I am.

I was wrong about that.

The idea that our guests, and especially my darling Eliza, were having hours of fun without me was deeply upsetting.

Someone is stuck in the bathroom!

A philosophical question.

If the life of the party is stuck in the bathroom for 3 1/2 hours, is he still the life of the party?

[Door opens]

Oh.

Oh! God, you scared me.

There you are.

Yes.

I've been locked in here all night.

Listen, I'm going.

You're going? Where are you going?

What do you mean you're going? You live here.

No, I don't live here anymore.

You don't live here anymore?

I have this feeling, and I just have to go with it right now.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What are you talking about? Where are you going?

And this feeling is outside of the house.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What is happening?

I have this feeling, and I need to follow it.

What feeling? What's going on?

I need to follow somebody.

What are you talking about? We're married.

Are we?

Yes! We got married!

Well, I want to marry roderick.

I...

[Sighs]

Who is roderick?

Roderick!

[Car horn beeps]

I beeped the horn!

[Laughs]

He lives in a submarine.

[Sighs]

[Imitating expl*si*n]

Yeah, no, I mean... yeah. That's...

Forrest, good luck with your weird show.

Bye.

Sweetheart... oh, my God.

I am never, ever gonna forget you.

I'm so glad the universe made us meet.

You bastard.

[Car horn beeps]

Whoo-hoo! [Car starts]

That's a really rad coat.

Thank you.

Has anyone ever accidentally had the wrong tooth pulled?

Yeah! No, I did!

Oh, my God, in high school! That's so weird.

I had like the worst pain in my mouth, so I went to my family's dentist, Dr. Morris, and I was like, "oh, my face."

I came out of surgery and they were like, "we did the wrong tooth."

Obviously, you have no hope of being the life of a party that you have no business attending in the first place.

In order to mean something to the people around you, you first have to know where you belong.

How's everybody doing?

I had come to realize that winning over adults came down to dumb gimmicks... a handlebar moustache, a submarine.

There was no skill in that, and no soul.

But to win over children, that was a sign of something else entirely, something better, as I think almost anyone could see.

Yeah!

Happy Birthday.

I want to wait for all the kids to have one.

Being the life of the party, 3 1/2 stars.

I think your presence is no longer needed here.