01x05 - Swim, Shmuley, Swim

[bunniefuu]

(theme music playing)

(shouting in Pashto)

What the hell do you think they want, man?

Calm down, Jammer.

Down?

What do they want, man?

Get down on your knees. It's okay.

Get down on your knees. Do what I do, Jammer.

It's okay. It's okay.

I got something here.

I got this, I got this. (shouting)

No!

Put it down!

I got something.

No! Get on your knees now! I'm looking for that f*cking paper.

Hey.

Hm?

Salam.

Oh boy.

Oh God.

It's not working, buddy.

Might wanna put that down, buddy.

(shouting)

What now, Z-Pak?

Z-Pak? (laughs) Z-Pak.

Z-Pak.

(laughs) Z-Pak.

Z-Pak!

(laughing) Z-Pak.

Z-Pak!

Z-Pak! (laughing)

Z-Pak. (laughing)

(grunts)

Are you all right, buddy?

(laughing)

Whoo!

USA! USA!

USA!

Cut it out, Jammer!

Walter needs to know that Raja's ready to make his move.

We need a secure line. The only secure line is back at the embassy.

Oh, well, then we're screwed.

No. You need to smuggle me in.

Oh!

Hey, that's a great idea if you want to get me fired, and you sent to Baghdad.

No, no, no one's looking for you, they're looking for me.

You're an employee, you have an ID...

Who can't get within 50 miles of the Ambassador's secure line.

I can't get hold of Fareeda.

Did you try her cell?

Yes, and the main line at the school.

There's no answer.

If there's going to be yet another coup in the next 24 hours, it's not safe for her to be out on the streets.

We need to go get her.

No...

I need to go get her.

Uncle, I need to borrow your car.

Of course, and if on the way back you can stop and pick up some salty snacks before all the stores get looted.

For this coup, we are going to be prepared.

I'm coming with you.

Hey, it's my sister. It's my family.

Now, give me the keys.

No.

Okay.

(whispers) Give me the keys.

Come on, please. Let me come.

You don't know the city. You don't know the language. Give me the keys.

Give-- Give me--

What the f*ck are you doing?

I love her, dude.

You don't love her... dude.

Get in the f*cking car!

I'm just gonna do it.

A quick question for you: Why do you feel the need to keep inserting yourself into my family's affairs?

Calling Walter on my cell. Secure line or not. f*ck it.

We are just gonna go pick up my sister from the school and we're gonna bring her back, all right?

Shh, it's ringing.

So any ideas you have about dinner or dancing--

Kendra Peterson.

Okay! Hello! Hello!

Yes, it's, uh, Puck from "A Midsummer Night's Dream," just passing messages of the heart back and forth and trying to save the enchanted forest from total nuclear annihilation.

Sir, I think it's Alex Talbot.

Finally. How'd it go?

But it doesn't sound like he's on a secured line.

sh*t.

Yeah, call him Puck.

Puck?

Puck.

Okay, Puck.

So, did Grover Cleveland make it home safe from the prom?

Yes, and when he got home, his brown uncle tucked him into bed.

Oh, come on.

Don't make this weird. I get it, package delivered.

Right, and our mutual friend is very happy and he's gonna be sending a thank you card in 24 hours. Repeat, 24 hours.

Excellent work. You really came through.

TJ, step on it. Run some reds.

Oh, are you gonna tell them about the submarine sandwich that you also promised him?

Huh?

Now is not the time.

Sir, one other thing.

Jesus is having me transferred to Baghdad.

Negative, I need you there on the ground. Screw Jesus.

Sir, I'd love to screw Jesus, but his butt is... too... tight?

I'm sorry, talking like this is hard.

You don't work for him.

You work for me, and between you and me, Jesus is eating his last supper.

Once this thing goes down, I'm shipping Jesus out of the Holy Land before he can f*ck everything up.

Excellent news.

Good work, Puck.

Start boning up on your French.

Will do.

Wow, he's good at this. I completely understood everything he was saying.

It is happening!

Christ, even I had my doubts we were gonna be able to pull this fucker off.

Sir, are you sure we shouldn't let the Israeli Foreign Minister know you're on your way to see her?

Israelis love surprises.

Is that true?

I don't care.

What are you doing?

I'm not going in to see the Israeli Foreign Minister like this.

Captain, please remove my catheter.

Sir, we can't do this here. I need a sterile environment.

Kendra.

(sighs) Yes, sir.

All right, ready?

On the count of three. Ready? One, two--

(screams)

Whoa, what the hell?

What's happening here? What is this?

Fareeda's school.

Is there any chance this is what it looks like all the time?

Fareeda!

Shh!

You don't get to walk behind me and hold a crowbar.

It's not my fault your legs have a longer stride than mine.

Okay, fine, then you go around.

God damn it.

(glass breaks)

Go to the sound! You go towards the sound.

Shh. (mimics whooshing)

You go to the-- with the--

Then I'll-- You're the one with the w*apon.

It's not that much of a w*apon.

Okay, then give it to me.

No, get the f*ck off of my w*apon.

Hey, give it!

It's my f*cking w*apon.

Let go of it!

(shouting)

Fareeda: In here!

Fareeda!

Let me go first. I have the w*apon.

Fareeda!

Fareeda.

I came as soon as I heard.

Okay-- (scoffs)

What happened here?

Zaman's militants. They called in a b*mb thr*at and trashed the place after everyone evacuated.

Cowards! You cannot stop women from becoming educated and kicking your ass!

Cowards!

Shh!

What if they are not all gone, and they can hear you?

I do not care.

Where is everyone?

The other teachers have taken the girls home to their families.

I will personally slice open Zaman's stomach and watch his entrails bleed into the sewer.

Ouch. Personally, I find smart, aggressive women extremely attractive.

I hope that one day you find one.

Okay, can we stop the chitchat? Mission accomplished.

Let's go, eh?

Hold on.

What?

These girls do not have anywhere to go.

They are coming with us.

Okay.

(panting)

I still don't recognize any of this.

You said we crashed north.

We're heading north.

"North," that's a good movie.

Elijah Wood.

"Lord of the Rings."

Your turn.

If this is north... how come the sun's setting... on the right?

It is?

Zeke: Oh, come on.

You're supposed to be the navigator.

"Flight of the Navigator."

That's a good movie.

Sarah Jessica Parker.

"Family Stone."

Your turn.

You realize you're the only person playing that game, yeah?

What game?

We gotta get back to that plane... or we're f*cked.

There's no more water, man.

Wait a second.

That's it.

That's it.

That's the hill.

Jammer: Huh?

That's the hill, Jammer. Come on.

Come on.

We're almost... (panting) .. home.

(sighs) (grunts)

That's okay. That's okay.

(both groaning)

Just hang in there, pal.

Just hang in there.

(sighs)

Sir, can I help you?

Shalom.

Shalom.

I'm United States Secretary of State, Walter Larson, here to see Foreign Minister Talia Levi.

Mr. Secretary, I don't have you on the schedule.

Do you have identification?

I have my face.

This is a problem.

We need to clear you and your team for security purposes.

Maybe we should just go back to the hotel and try arranging this through the proper channels.

Call Minister Levi. Tell her I'm here, and if she wants to avoid a meshuganah international incident she better damn well see me.

Yes, Mr. Secretary.

(speaking Hebrew)

All right, sir. Follow me.

Nice use of meshuganah.

(vehicle approaching)

What the...?

(breathing heavily)

It's a car!

Car! Over here!

(whimpers)

(mumbles)

Okay, what are we gonna do with these girls?

These girls are boarders.

Their families live way out in the provinces.

I don't know where to take them.

It's okay, girls. This is my brother, Rafiq.

(speaks Urdu)

And his... This is Alex.

(speaks Urdu) Don't be afraid, little ones, We're here to help you.

We must keep them with us until I find another school that can take them.

No problem.

Oh, you got it all figured out, eh?

I do. We take them back to the US embassy.

My girls need a place to sleep, not political asylum.

Temporarily. They have food, a place to sleep.

They even have a school for diplomat's kids.

I'm sure they'll take the girls until things calm down.

Okay, Kittredge isn't gonna exactly welcome you with open arms.

Yeah, he wants to send me to Baghdad? Let him send me to Baghdad.

As long as the girls are safe, that's all that matters.

You'd let yourself be sent to Iraq for my girls?

Without hesitation.

Walter's f*ring Kittredge, isn't he?

Yes.

And then you get to go to Paris.

Would you just let me have this moment, please?

I am not taking my girls to the US embassy.

Rafiq: Well, unfortunately, the US embassy is all we have right now.

Let's go. We gotta get off the street.

Once Raja makes his move, there's going to be rioting and demonstrations everywhere.

Who's doing what now?

Oh, you missed this.

Yeah, Alex came by the house the other day and started another f*cking coup.

But it's a good coup. Come on.

Uncle Alex is taking everyone to a safe place.

This is insane. You're not even supposed to be here.

I just need five minutes with your prime minister.

You're wasting your time. Your president instructed us to deal only with Pierce.

Fine. You wanna play hardball, Talia?

Let's play hardball.

Okay.

Let's talk m*llitary aid.

That's right. Let's touch that third rail.

Are you mad? Do I look like Latvia to you?

We're Israel. Israel.

Your Congress won't do anything that would hurt us.

Trust me, arms can be twisted.

Plus, I'm mishpocha with every Jewish senator--

Boxer, Schumer, Feinstein.

(laughs) It's not the Jews who protect us.

It's Texas, South Carolina, Mississippi.

It's your right wing, neocon super-Christians, and they don't even like Jews.

They just need us here to keep the lights on for their f*cking messiah.

Please, neocons are easy.

You can buy off a neocon with a handjob from a ladyboy.

(speaking Hebrew) ...with Prime Minister.

(speaks Hebrew) On that note, Walter, you need to leave. I'm sorry.

(speaks Hebrew)

Who's that?

It's not important.

No, seriously, what's her name?

She doesn't have a name.

Walter, you need to leave, seriously.

I'm not leaving.

No. What, what--

I'm not leaving.

You're serious?

I'm sorry. I know it's a tight squeeze.

Just hang in there. Okay, girls?

(groaning) (speaking Urdu)

Where am I supposed to sit?

I guess you could sit on my lap.

Okay, come here.

What?

I'm just gonna say it.

There's no way that your d*ck is touching my sisters ass.

Excuse me?

Yeah, you heard me.

Well, then what do you suggest?

Please tell me you can drive a stick shift.

I'm sorry. This was not my idea.

I think everything below my waist has gone numb.

I could shift a little bit if you'd like.

Yes, please.

No, no, no. There'll be no shifting, okay?

Thank you, big brother, but I can handle this myself.

That's what I keep telling him. You're a grown, independent woman.

I'll be the one to explain that to him, thank you.

(all shout) Okay, this is absurd.

You should be sitting in my lap.

No!

No!

(shouting)

Go ahead, call security.

I won't do that to you, Walter, or to me.

(phone ringing)

It's the prime minister.

Get out, Walter, seriously.

Pick it up.

(ringing continues)

I'll hit you. I'll hit you where no one will see the bruises.

Hm, you're turning me on.

(ringing continues)

Telephone.

(speaks Hebrew) That is not my goal.

(speaks Hebrew)

Unless you speak Hebrew, you will gain nothing from being here.

Fine. I'll go.

Thank you.

Mr. Prime Minister, it's Walter Larson.

I need five minutes to discuss this joint strike-op--

Ow.

(speaking Hebrew)

...rectal cavity.

(speaking Hebrew)

Prime Minister cannot believe you would resort to such a desperate and childish move.

He is intrigued. He will give you your five minutes.

My office will arrange.

Happy?

Delirious.

(speaking Hebrew)

Get the f*ck out already.

Fine.

Go!

Cool.

♪

(moans, snorts)

(coughs)

(groans)

Wake up.

(exhales)

(Jammer sighs)

Oh, look at them. They're stunned.

Shocked.

Speechless.

Dumbstruck.

Dumbstruck and speechless mean the same thing.

They do not. You're not dumbstruck if you win a BAFTA. You're speechless.

You won a BAFTA, I'd be dumbstruck.

Thus proving my point.

Fetch the thesaurus!

Oh, I would if I thought I could find it underneath all your Margaret Atwood novels.

(whispers) I can handle this.

Woman: My Margaret Atwood novels?

I think you'll find you're the impotent Margaret Atwood fan of this household.

Oh, as if appreciating the bittersweet nuances of "The Handmaid's Tale" makes me some sort of emasculated male pushover.

You said it, my lovey. You said it.

Hello? Excuse me.

Love, I fear we're not being very good hosts.

Oh, yes. How terribly, dreadfully rude of us, darling.

You must have a thousand questions.

Yeah, one or two.

Like, what the f*ck is going on?

Oh. So American, so direct.

I love it. John Wayne incarnate.

No, not John Wayne.

Who's the other one?

Man: You're thinking of John Wayne.

No, the little cowboy chap--

It's John Wayne.

No, I'm quite certain there's someone else!

Um...

Love, once again, I fear we're forgetting to be good hosts.

Yes, well. You two must be absolutely famished.

Food!

Oh god!

(gasping)

Woman: Please, do go at it.

(moaning)

Hands are nature's forks.

Gary f*cking Cooper!

Yeah.

US Navy Commander Zeke Tilson and Lieutenant Glenn Taylor sh*t down over Pakistani airspace.

It's not known if the pilots survived.

Pentagon officials refuse to comment on the nature of their mission.

Okay, this is it. Just be polite, guys, and be cool, okay.

Take my hands, take my hands.

Hey, fellas.

Yeah, remember me? Lot's changed since I saw you last Do an old pal a favor. Tell Ambassador Kittredge I'm here to see him.

How's that neck brace feeling?

(hisses) Ouch.

Man: It may seem like 3:00 in the afternoon, but it is five minutes to midnight.

All I'm asking for, Mr. Prime Minister, is time.

My guy in Pakistan will be in power in less than 24 hours.

And in the meantime, you want us to do what?

Nothing?

If you strike now, Avi, you'll go down as the belligerent, not Zaman.

Walter, you know we always show up to w*r one day early.

In '67 we took out the Egyptian air force before it left the ground.

That's why it's called the Six Day w*r and not the Seven Day w*r.

So, optimistically, let's say you take out 90% of Zaman's nuclear sites. I never identified the target.

That 10% of enriched uranium you miss, finds its way to the black market.

Cheap enough for Al-Qaeda, or Islamic State, or any of the other dozen new groups that will spring up the day after you launch a large-scale strike - against a Muslim country.

Boy: Saba!

Your grandkids will inherit an Israel that dirty bombs have rendered a fallout zone.

Saba, say "go," okay?

I say "go." Whoever loses, I'll eat their tushie, okay?

(speaking Hebrew)

If Shmuley, with the white suit, wins, I'll take your plans to my generals.

If Aaron, with the blue suit, wins, I go with Pierce.

Huh? Wait.

(speaking Hebrew)

Come on, Shmuley!

Swim, Shmuley! Swim!

Swim, Shmuley! Swim!

Swim! Swim! Swim, Shmuley.

Come on, you little son of a bitch, swim!

Swim!

God damn it!

(laughing)

Saba , I won. Did you see?

(Avi laughing)

Walter, cheer up.

I'm just f*cking with you.

Aaron always wins. but I'll talk to my generals.

If all you need is less than 24 hours, maybe we can hold off on whatever it is we refuse to admit that we are planning.

Thanks, Avi.

(laughing)

You're a crazy bastard. You know that, right?

Avi: I know, I know.

That guy's out of his f*cking mind.

(laughing)

Darlings...

Sorry if we put you off earlier, it's just been such a long time since we've had any English-speaking company.

You guys happen to have a phone around here?

Why? Are we boring you already?

Do you hear that, Martin? We're boring them.

Well, then we'd jolly well better try to be more interesting, and the only surefire way of doing that is to pour your guests more wine.

That boner guy is cool as f*ck.

Oh, that is an Eritrean fertility sculpture from the 14th century BC--

Before Christ.

Extremely rare, exceedingly valuable.

Man, these meat things, they're delicious.

Thank you.

Cook it slow, cook it long, the taste--

We're not interested, Martin So what are you guys? Like, archaeologists or something?

We specialize in Egyptian and Eritrean artifacts.

Yes, we deal in what you might call the secondary market.

So all this stuff is stolen.

Oh, dear.

Now we shall have to k*ll them. (laughs maniacally)

Oh, we don't care what you guys do for a living.

Everybody does what they have to do, you know.

Nobody knows that better than me, right?

These samosas, Jesus Christ.

Thank you so much. The secret is the sauce--

Right.

I am pretty certain that there's just a lot of people out there searching for us right now. so we really need to get out of here.

Get back to our ship. If you have a phone, we could really use it.

Man, you tried this? The way the rice dances with the chicken.

f*cking A.

I'm afraid you can't leave.

What do you mean?

You can't keep us here.

Well, we don't have to, now. Do we, darling?

There's a hundred miles of rocks and... (whispers) Taliban out there as far as the eye can see... in every direction.

Where would you go? You're quite literally in the middle of nowhere.

Talbot. Mr. Ambassador, before you send me to Baghdad, just hear me out. These girls--

Screw Baghdad.

Your butt is headed to Uganda.

That embassy doesn't even have a roof.

Fine. Send me wherever you want, but these girls are dispossessed at the moment.

And they just need a place to stay until they--

Talbot.

Shh.

Oh my.

♪ ♪

One, two, three, four, five, six...

Seven.

Seven.

It's here.

Mr. Ambassador?

Oh, yes, of course. We have room here... for these seven new friends.

I will arrange things... to provide them with accommodations immediately.

Thank you.

Don't talk. Just walk.

Don't talk. Just walk.

Just walk. Just walk.

(speaks Urdu)

Talbot, not you.

Come here.

♪ ♪

(whimpers) That was totally unexpected.

It's begun.

Dear Lord.

It's begun.

If this doesn't work it's game over.

What is taking them so long?

I'm sure they're trying to figure out a way to squeeze more West Bank settlements into the deal.

(whispers) Here he comes.

Walter, I sold your plan as best I could.

It wasn't easy, but I bought you a few hours at the most.

That's all I need. Thank you, Mr. Prime Minister.

Don't thank me. Just bring us results.

Yes, sir.

Pierce at 6:00.

Mr. Prime Minister.

Walter, what the hell are you doing here?

The President ordered you to stay in New Delhi.

Your air strike's on hold. My guy Haroon Raja's got the ball, and he's at the one-yard line.

You don't know, do you?

What?

These are from a security camera, taken today at the Frankfurt airport.

By the way, that's in Germany.

I think you'll recognize the man fleeing with $80 million as one Haroon Raja.

Bullshit.

Read 'em and weep, Larson.

Three aces in my hand and fourth on the river.

Hell, by this time he's probably halfway to... well, not being the leader of Pakistan.

That's for damn sure.

Mr. Prime Minister, you and I have work to do.

Walter, you have wasted my time and Israel's with all this.

Go home, Larson. The adults are handling things now.

♪ ♪

Gentlemen.

♪ ♪
♪ I see a red door and I want it ♪
♪ Painted black ♪
♪ No colors anymore ♪
♪ I want them to turn black ♪
♪ I see the girls walk by ♪
♪ Dressed in their summer clothes ♪
♪ I have to turn my head ♪
♪ Until my darkness goes ♪
♪ I see a line of cars ♪
♪ And they're all painted black ♪
♪ With flowers and my love ♪
♪ Both never to come back ♪
♪ I see people turn their heads ♪
♪ And quickly look away ♪
♪ Like a newborn baby ♪
♪ It just happens every day ♪
♪ I look inside myself ♪
♪ And see my heart is black ♪
♪ I see my red door ♪
♪ I must have it painted black ♪
♪ Maybe then I'll find away ♪
♪ And not have to face the facts ♪
♪ It's not easy facing up ♪
♪ When your whole world is black ♪
♪ No more will my green sea ♪
♪ Go turn a deeper blue... ♪