01x07 - #TheLetter

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Becoming us...

I'm kind of worried a little bit about Ben.

Do you think he's just like, having a little bit of a hard time with the fact that I'm gonna be having surgery?

Maybe you should do like, a dating website.

This is the first time that I'm putting myself out in the world as who I am.

Just don't fall.

Yeah.

That looks like something.

Woohoo.

We're in business, man.

It's very amateur looking.

One thing that bugs me is you not letting me call you "Dad".

Everything just like, always seems to be about you.

I don't know if I really need a relationship.

I'm Ben, I'm sixteen years old and I'm a junior in high school.

I grew up with loving parents, I have an amazing sister, and I have an awesome girlfriend named Danielle.

If I fall, you're always there to pick me up.

I've got your back.

I thought I knew exactly where my life was headed, until she came along.

Her name is Carly and Carly... was my dad.

What now?

[Theme music playing]

♪ Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ it's a big ♪
♪ big world ♪

[music playing]

Benny Ben, what are you doing?

What's the matter with you?

I don't know man, me and Danielle broke up and I'm just...

Light.

I don't wanna do anything, I'm not motivated to do anything.

You're sad.

I'm sad and I'm sleepy.

I'm sorry.

You know how to fix it?

What?

Getting out in the world again.

So...

Let's go to a movie.

Okay?

What? No.

We're gonna go to a movie and you're gonna feel better and I know it's hard but you'll get over it.

How are we gonna get there?

You don't drive.

I'll get us a car, is that okay?

Okay.

Get the hell out of my room.

Okay, fine. I'm sorry.

[Music playing]

God, it's cold.

I guess one of us has to learn how to drive, right?

Yeah.

Oh, good. Okay. They're here.

Okay.

Hello.

Hi, there.

We're going to the movie theater at old orchard.

Okay, perfect.

Thank you.

So what happened with Danielle?

We just, we talked and I was like, confused.

Why?

Still kinda am, just because like, like she understood me.

Did she do the girl thing?

This is... this is typical, okay, ready?

Okay.

When a girl smells that you're going to break up with her, she breaks up with you first.

She tries...

Yeah, she did that.

Did she?

Yeah.

Good girl, good for her.

I'm just kidding.

It'll get easier.

Have you talked to Carly recently?

No, I haven't.

No, why?

Just because I'm still kind of upset with that whole like, I can't call her "Dad" thing, because it's just... it's not fair to me, you know?

I'm sorry.

I love Carly but now that her surgery is coming up, it's bringing a lot of negative emotions.

Once that happens, it's official that my dad is gone.

You know, we're totally going to her house this weekend for dinner.

Yeah.

Wait and she asked me to bring Kevin.

I know, I wonder what she's gonna tell us.

I do too.

[Music playing]

This is the decongestant cleanser.

This is just gonna help really cleanse your skin.

I don't like my pores.

Who does?

Well, you have none.

Ha ha.

Sutton, you don't.

Hmm.

You have porcelain skin.

Oh, that feels good.

Since I've been back in Evanston, I've had a lot more time to hang out with Carly.

I like this new relationship that we have.

I definitely just feel more comfortable being around her than I ever did around Charlie.

I think this is the closest you and I have ever been.

Yep, we had a strange relationship growing up.

We sure did.

You accepting your true self and soul has brought us closer.

That makes me happy.

Me too.

There was something I wanted to ask you about, and it has to do with Ben wanting to call you "Dad".

Did you just feel my shoulders just totally tighten up?

Oh, yeah. Ha ha, sorry.

I'm sorry.

Just keep going, it's fine.

I want you to think about maybe allowing him to do that or just, I don't know.

So let's back up for a minute.

It just doesn't fit for me, it doesn't work, so...

Sure.

It makes me really pretty horribly uncomfortable and that, maybe that's just my issue.

Yeah.

But it's like when my sister calls me her brother.

People look at her like, "what are you talking about?"

Well, yes, that's uncomfortable.

Well, it's not a whole lot different.

This is who I am, there's no turning back.

I live the way I live on a daily basis and I've got no shame for it.

I don't apologize to anybody for being who I am.

I'm not "Dad", plain and simple.

But like, if you don't let him acknowledge the good things that happened before you became this beautiful woman, it's not gonna do anybody favors.

Because while you were that other person, you had a son and he loves you so much and it's important to me that you guys talk about that, because that could be something really heavy that he could hold on for the rest of his life.

And...

Yeah, that's my two cents.

I'd say that was more like 22 cents.

Yeah.

[Music playing]

Hey, Ben.

How you doing?

All right.

Cool. So, how did we do on that English paper?

I haven't started it yet.

Wait, wasn't it due already?

Yeah.

Okay. Is there a reason that you just completely disregarded your English assignment?

Are you okay?

It was just like a whole barray of things just...

Barray?

I don't know if that's a word.

No.

Well, béret is a hat, typically worn in France.

Oh, cool. A hat of things.

I think you mean an array of issues.

An array of issues.

Yes.

I basically, I just feel like nothing right now, like this T-shirt business is not going too well.

What T-shirt business?

Um, I made a T-shirt company with Ayton.

You went into business with Ayton?

That's ill-advised, in my opinion.

With Ben, I'm dealing with a level of absentness that I've never dealt with before.

I don't think Ben right now is even close to his full potential, and...

And he can reach it, he can do it.

Someone just needs to help him.

Do you ever think about maybe just pouring your whole soul into photography?

I've never really thought about it.

Maybe next time I see you, bring me some prints.

Get your English paper done.

Okay.

Do your algebra homework that you've been putting off.

Mm-hmm.

I'm amazed your teacher's still accepting it.

And print some prints.

Why do I feel like only one of those things is gonna get done?

Definitely the photography's gonna get done, algebra maybe, English yes.

Yeah, that's not bad.

[Music playing]

Well, it finally happened.

What happened?

Uh, me and Ben broke up.

Really?

Well, what happened?

I'm just kind of done with him right now.

I mean, it's fine, I'm actually kind of relieved.

Like, it wasn't changing and I felt like, you know, he wasn't being a very good boyfriend, so...

And you're doing okay?

Yeah.

You sure?

Yeah. Dad, stop.

Okay.

You don't...

Well, I do worry about you.

I'm fine.

You know?

I'm fine.

Okay.

Danielle claims not to be bothered or hurt but I... I have a feeling that there's a lot more to that and she has a lot more feelings and I mean, I worry about her.

And how's Ben doing?

I mean, I haven't talked to him, it's not like I want to talk to him after we just broke up.

How did all this come about?

I just kind of like, finally got to that point where I was like, about ready to just explode and I just...

It needed to be over, you know?

I mean, I think that we're still gonna be friends but I think it's gonna take awhile until we get to that point, you know?

Right, right, yeah.

You're thinking about it the right way, okay?

I hope so.

What... what are you even doing?

Well, I'm polishing some things, this is an old compass.

I got some news myself.

Really?

Yeah, I've been chatting online with a individual.

Um, seems really nice and we're going to meet each other.

You can't just like, tell me that.

You've gotta tell me more, you know?

Like what's this... what is this person like?

What do they look like?

I want, I want deets, you know?

About my age, about my age, tall, slender, seems like to have a good build.

I mean, it really seems like we have a lot in common.

It's nice to see you excited, Dad.

I'm really happy for you.

Oh, yeah, great, thanks.

Dating someone as myself, dressed as... as who I feel is a very big step for me and uh, it's pretty scary.

I just hope they accept me for who I am.

Just like, let me know where you're at though.

Like, if he's like, some weird guy so I can like, come rescue you.

I already made that promise with your mom, that I would let her know, so...

Oh, okay. Good.

Because you know, that's like a number one girl rule about dating.

♪ Waking up ♪
♪ in your eyes ♪
♪ I see my bloodline ♪
♪ your heart's on fire ♪
♪ whoa, oh ♪
♪ you're the rising sun ♪
♪ whoa, oh ♪
♪ may the love come down ♪
♪ let me hear you say ♪
♪ that you found ♪
♪ your way ♪

So when did you like, first start with like, drawing and all that stuff?

I was five years old.

It's a great way to let out your feelings.

That's true.

Good and bad.

How about your photography?

I just do it.

Yeah.

Just because I've been told that I've been good at it and...

Well, I see feelings in your pictures.

Oh, there's definitely feelings behind it.

Well, I liked the one the other day I saw of the empty barn and...

Oh, abandoned?

Yeah, I liked that.

Yeah.

It's called abandoned?

Mm-hmm.

Is that how you felt?

I guess you could say that.

It's a perfectly natural feeling.

You're good at... splatter paint.

No, you're good at recovering.

Yeah.

It's... it's really remarkable and you're...

There's a lot to handle.

Your dad becoming somebody else.

Mm-hmm.

I don't really get it, I guess.

Oh.

Know what I mean?

Well, I had a... a conversation with her.

And she said that she'd always felt this way.

She said she's much more comfortable as she is now.

Which I think is much better.

I think that Carly is happier as a woman.

Charlie's problems before were that he was hiding who he was but you know, that's part of being a family is you can recover from those things, and you... you figure out how to work it out instead of holding grudges that last for years.

Okay, here we go, you ready?

Mm-hmm.

We're hanging wet paintings, I love it.

I was very surprised that Grandpa Ron was supportive of Carly's transition.

He... he didn't necessarily like Charlie that much but I think he likes Carly.

Okay.

Sir.

Sir.

Now, we've gotta price 'em.

Hundred bucks each.

At least.

You know, what?

You have a big day ahead of you.

Surgery.

Yep, yep.

I've had my testicles removed and the way I am today, because I don't have the testosterone running, I feel pretty normal.

Yep.

And you're gonna really notice a difference.

That level of testosterone, gone.

Oh, my god.

You cannot believe how relaxed you are.

What were you like before?

Oh, I was about as edgy as you can get.

It's kinda hard to go back and... edgy?

Oh, I was...

Yeah, yeah me too.

You know what?

When I look at pictures of me then, um...

Mm-hmm.

It's a totally different person.

Do you dress mostly full time now or just sort of part time, kinda...

How does that work?

I don't purposely get dressed up as woman per se and just go on with my day.

You still live as a male, really.

Yeah, I still live as a male, I'm uncomfortable.

I've had a rough way of it when it comes to being accepted.

Yeah, I can relate to that.

Yeah, I probably would have moved to a different point in all this if it wasn't for Danielle.

The fact that that school that she is in is very conservative and those kids are just mean to each other.

I didn't need to toss more wood into the fire when she was gonna have all the normal stuff to deal with.

Hmm, that's interesting.

It's sad that Dan feels like he's gotta protect Danielle.

I don't feel like I've gotta hide who I am when I'm with Ben.

I've done the work that I've gotta do to get to the point where I can accept me for who I am and Ben's got work to do as well.

When I look at you, I get really kind of jealous because...

Even when I saw the first couple pictures of you from Danielle, I was like, "oh, my god.

She's beautiful."

I am no more beautiful than you are.

Well, thank you. I...

And maybe I carry myself differently but that is just because, honest to god, I really did just come to a space in time where I just didn't give a... what other people thought anymore.

I don't care if you snicker behind my back, because I get those.

Yeah.

When you got there, did it just like, whoosh?

Yeah.

All of a sudden you just felt...

That's called welcome to freedom.

I... I need to get there.

Yep.

I... I have no idea what to wear on this date, Danielle.

Are you gonna wear the corset that we bought bra shopping?

On the date tonight?

Yeah.

No.

Why not?

Are you kidding me?

That's not a first date type of thing.

That's... that's for later on.

Oh, god.

All right, all right.

I haven't worn this one in a little while, I kinda like this.

I like that one.

It kinda shows off my figure and it...

A little bit.

Would you wear pants with that?

Well, I wouldn't have to with this, you know?

I could do a...

Leggings.

Well, or nylons and...

No?

I don't know, Dad.

You need like, leggings and boots for that.

I do?

Yeah.

Well, unfortunately I don't have any leggings or boots right now.

Yeah. Well, Dad.

It just looks weird with jeans, I'm...

I don't know.

I'm running out of options here, Danielle.

Something's just gonna have to go with jeans.

I like that, Dad.

You know, that's really simple and I think it like, would look nice with just a pair of jeans.

Why don't you try that on?

Okay.

Like that, Dad.

You know, that's really simple and I think it like, would look nice with just a pair of jeans.

Why don't you try that on?

Okay.

Whenever I get the chance, I always tell my dad that he looks great, like I wanna make him feel good about himself, I wanna kinda help boost his confidence.

I definitely want my dad to have a caring person in his life.

What do you think?

I really like that.

It looks nice.

You know, like, wear some nice shoes with it and I think it'll look good.

Okay.

So you're excited?

I'm nervous, I'm even sweating now, so I hope I can hold it together.

I'm gonna just kinda dress down a little bit.

Some guys like a little bit of cleavage but I wanna see what the reaction is just on a kind of a...

Normal day-to-day level.

Hey, you're going to Sarah's tonight, right?

Yeah.

Do you mind dropping me off on the way, at the restaurant?

Yeah, of course.

I don't wanna be driving if I've had a glass of wine.

Oh, that's fine.

Okay, great.

[Music playing]

Remember how you were when I went out on my first date?

It's like you're going out on your first date.

And you're taking me, isn't that funny?

Yeah, it is funny.

I really appreciate you dropping me off at the restaurant.

Dad, it's... it's the least I can do.

I'm really super nervous, as you know.

Are you?

Yeah.

It's been such a long time since I've gone on a date that I don't even feel hungry right now, that's how nervous I am.

All right, just make sure you eat something though because if you're going to have a glass of wine, you've got to eat some food.

I know, I know.

Danielle helping me date has made the two of us grow closer together.

It's drawn a different picture in her mind about who I am, outside of being her dad.

You're an amazing person and there's no reason for people not to like you.

You've got this. I know.

You've totally got this.

How's my lipstick look?

Dad, you look fine.

Okay. I don't have too much makeup on?

No, Dad, Dad, Dad, you look fine.

Oh, my goodness. I am so nervous.

Dad, you'll be fine.

Just be yourself.

Come on, come here.

I love you.

[Guitar playing]

That's nice.

It's pretty simple.

Sing it, I wanna hear the rest of the song. I wanna hear the lyrics.

There's no lyrics.

Aw.

How you doing?

I'm all right.

I'm all right?

I'm all right.

You know, I'm having the surgery next week.

Yeah.

I'm only a week before surgery, so I really wanna make sure that both my family and especially Ben is behind me.

You are welcome to come to Arizona for sure.

Yeah.

I wouldn't think that I wouldn't...

I don't wanna really go with.

I thought maybe you might like to go, because maybe it might kind of, I don't know, put some closure for me in a lot of ways.

Everything is crazy and I just don't know what normal is at all anymore.

Oh, wow.

For me, this feels pretty darn normal.

Well, for you it does but for me it doesn't.

What was not normal for me was living a lie for 42 years of my life.

Well you've gotta put yourself in my shoes.

Of course.

Growing up with a dad, you're always gonna think, "oh, I'm gonna have a dad for the rest of my life," but then you go and do this and it gets overwhelming and it gets upsetting and it gets me riled up because I'm wrapped up in all this bs.

I'm still me.

[Inaudible].

I know you're still you, I know.

We can still do normal things.

Quote, unquote, normal things.

I know, I know, I know.

We still do all the things we used to do and more.

Don't get me wrong, I know it's a big thing for you but I feel like it's weird.

For me it's a really huge step.

Yeah.

You wanna do it, so do it but I would just rather not be a part of it.

Morning.

Good morning, Dad.

Thanks for getting the coffee going.

Yeah.

Are you gonna have some with me?

I mean, I'm not making it for no reason.

Oh god.

What?

I don't know, it's just a... a rough night.

What's going on?

I don't even wanna talk about it right now.

Dad.

Oh Danielle, don't push me, I don't wanna talk about it.

Just tell me, I mean, obviously you're upset.

It was a bad date, okay?

I'm sorry.

It's discouraging.

You put a lot into it, you have all this anxiety, everything builds up, you get there, you think, "oh my god, this could be a nice time," and the guy's an idiot.

This guy last night, everything about him seemed okay up until the minute you meet him, and then you meet him and you know it's nothing more than about how he's gonna get me in bed or something, it's just all about a physical thing, a sex thing. And it, how much clearer do I need to be to people, I'm looking for a relationship, I'm not looking for just a hook-up.

Dad, I'm sorry.

I'm so tired of this.

Yeah that really sucks.

A couple cups of coffee, I'll be...

I'll be okay in a little while.

Don't let it get you down.

Yeah, easier said than done.

I mean, we all have bad dates, I've had bad dates.

Not as bad as that but we all have bad dates.

Yeah.

I'm gonna give it a break for right now because I'm really tired of it.

I may spend the rest of my life single, um just because of who I am but expressing myself and being me is more important.

I need to not let things deter me from being that person.

I mean, I hope that doesn't like, ruin your trust with relationships because I do think there's still good people out there.

Yeah.

You can't just give up like that.

Have you ever known me to be a quitter in any way?

I'll be fine, I'll be fine.

You promise?

Yeah, I'll be fine.

[Music playing]

Come on in, Ben.

What up?

Nothing much.

Oh what's in there, your report card?

Your mom told me that you failed two classes.

Yeah.

Is this to distract me from the fact that you're failing two classes?

Uh, yeah.

Okay and okay, what is this?

Pictures that I got framed.

This is you actually following through on something?

Yeah.

That's excellent.

Geez, Ben. Some flowers.

I think these are really good.

Thank you.

These photos should be out in the actual world.

Let's get this on a wall, like a photo gallery.

You wanna do a gallery?

I've never really thought about it.

Do you not look at your art and feel that fire?

Oh, I feel it...

Really?

But then I just like, I'm just like ehh.

Ben, I... I gotta say, like that reaction, like of just "bleh" really is shocking to me because it seems like you have passion and an eye and it seems like you wanna be a photographer, right?

It takes a lot more than pointing and sh**ting that makes a great photographer.

I think Ben is more than capable of putting a gallery together.

Does he have the motivation to do it on his own right now?

No, which is why I'm more than happy to um, be the one kicking his ass to do it because I want him to know that he can.

Where's the... Come on, where's the passion?

Get angry, get mad like, dude.

I don't wanna get mad at you.

I'm just... No, no, no, before we look at any more, like you clearly have the talent.

Do you realize how sad it will be in 20 to 30 years, you knowing that you have this kind of talent and never did anything with it?

It's hard to get out there, you know?

It's like, you can... you can be really good at something but it's not like people will notice it.

Have you ever put it together that like, if you do well in high school and you can get into these photography schools?

My grades, yeah, they may be bad but I just love photography that much that it could make the hair stand up on my arms.

A gallery is just like the perfect way for me to showcase it.

Every time that you don't wanna study for the A.C.T.

Or you don't wanna do your homework or anything like that, think, "if I do this now then I can do this forever."

Since you guys broke up, because I know that was kind of weird.

Yeah, um, it's kind of nice to just take a step away from Ben and all of his issues and everything.

Like, I've literally had like, free time and it's been so weird.

You know how I told you awhile back that I got into writing?

Yeah.

I started writing a short story.

Dang.

I literally write every night, it's been how... it's like, how I've been like, falling asleep and stuff.

Good for you.

What is it, like fiction?

It's... it's like, more nonfiction.

Wait, is non... non-fiction is like, fantasy and then fiction is like...

Well no, fiction just means like, it's not real.

Oh fiction?

Non-fiction means like, based on truth.

I always forget that.

Yeah, okay, yeah.

Didn't we go...

We went through some album when I was here before.

Yeah, I think I showed you the picture of Dan with his mustache.

That picture.

Well Charlie had full beard.

Did she?

Oh yeah.

I've had the pleasure of spending time with Mandy.

I really like her a lot.

We have very, very similar experiences.

She was married to a man who also desires to become a woman, so we are able to relate to each other and that's really comforting because I... I don't know anybody else that I can talk to.

Oh I hear some girls I bet.

Yeah, there they are.

Suzy.

Hi.

Hey.

Hi girls.

How are you?

Hi Sarah, how are you?

It's good to see you.

Yeah, it's been awhile.

I know.

We're gonna go upstairs.

Okay, don't forget you've got some homework to do later.

I know, I know, Mom.

All right. Have fun.

Does she have trouble with bullying or...

Yes.

When Danielle was in grade school, she went to a sleepover and the girls had to all share something about themselves that no one knew.

Oh no.

So Danielle's telling them, "well, you know my dad likes to dress up in dresses and put on makeup sometimes."

No.

And of course I got the phone calls from the moms.

"Do you know that your daughter... "

I'm like, "yeah, actually it's true.

It's... that is true and that's why Dan and I ended up getting divorced because he is transgender."

I feel like we walked in on your mom and Suzy like, in a really intense conversation.

Like, I kind of felt awkward walking in.

I feel like that all the time, I don't know, I just...

What were they talking about?

I don't know, like, their exes.

It's just, I feel like the more wine that they have, the more they complain about you know, like Carly and my dad and everything.

It's kind of annoying.

Is that why you got divorced?

Yeah, because I...

I tried to live with it for about two years, we went through counseling as he was kind of changing through things and becoming who he was and I was learning to understand it more and more.

Mm-hmm.

You know, I had never even heard of it.

But Dan's a nice guy, so why...

He's a great guy.

So why would you not wanna stay married?

I just couldn't do it because it was too...

I don't know, I'm much more attracted to men.

And the woman part, as that became more part of it, I got to a turning point where I just said, "you know what, I can't pretend to make this relationship work and I can't make it work the way it is and I'll always love you but I can't do it."

And it was really hard because I still love him but I couldn't...

It was very hard.

Fortunately for Dan and I, we're able to work past that and rebuild a family for us that works.

How long did it take you?

To feel better?

Yeah.

Probably about three years.

Really?

Three years of really being angry, just so angry like, I... this is my second marriage, I thought it was the best thing I'd ever had in my lifetime and... but now, it's good.

Good.

Mandy has the advantage of being years out and she's really optimistic that I will come to a place that will um, make it easier for me to be around Carly.

I'm open to that and I... and I appreciate that advice.

I was so uh, disappointed.

Yeah.

And...

Because you were married for a long time.

Yeah, 15 years.

Wow, that's a long time.

I was so disappointed.

I mean it really...

Thank god we're strong women because anybody without some strength would've crumbled under some of this stuff.

I mean, you've still got a little ways to go with it, but you're gonna come out ahead on it, you're gonna be fine because you are strong.

I'll tell you what kills me though is um, the kids.

Yeah.

Is it the same thing every time?

Every single time.

"Oh my god, they're dressing like girls, oh my god."

It's just like, you know, come on ladies, like, you guys both got like, transgender husbands and it's kinda... Well, ex-husbands.

They just... I think that just like, what's done is done and we can't, they can't really change anything.

I feel like until Carly goes through with the operation, it's gonna be like...

More intense.

More and more intense.

Yeah.

Carly is having dinner for Ben, Sutton, who's in town, and Kevin, her fiancé, to make some kind of an announcement or share something, I think is the way it was worded.

So we have been speculating what that might be.

I'm intrigued, I'm intrigued.

I hope it's not gonna be too difficult for them.

[Music playing]

♪ Who am I supposed to be ♪
♪ when I'm angry ♪
♪ when I'm mean? ♪

Carly invited me, Sutton, and her fiancé to dinner.

I'm a little anxious because I know that Carly has something planned.

All I can think in my head right now is what Carly is gonna say now.

I have no clue what it is, I'm just nervous.

I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to handle this.

♪ Who can I turn too now ♪

I've got to get a driver's license.

Oh my god.

It is so wet and rainy and snowy and gross.

Well, nobody's stopping you.

Well that's true.

Maybe I should learn how to drive first.

♪ And this is not some one-way mirror ♪
♪ looking out at the world we're in ♪
♪ we are the love ♪
♪ we are the love ♪
♪ we give ♪
♪ we are the love ♪
♪ we are the love ♪
♪ we give ♪

Are we saying grace?

Yeah are we saying grace?

Or what?

I'd like to.

Or what?

Yeah, then we shall.

Yeah.

I know you did, I know you did.

We hold hands, too.

God, thank you for this food, thank you for the opportunity to spend the night with my wonderful daughter Sutton and Ben, and her loving fiancé, Kevin.

Um, thank you for all your blessings, thank you for this food, bless us with the nourishment of our bodies, amen.

[Together] Amen.

That's it. Boom.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Short and sweet.

You're welcome.

So Sutton told me about how you proposed.

In Central Park?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

As cliché as can be.

It was adorable.

But it was beautiful.

It was beautiful.

Perfect.

Yeah.

It was good.

So this is one of your favorite dishes?

Mm-hmm.

Ducky ducky.

I know.

I love it.

Have you ever had it?

Nope.

It's like chicken with a twang to it.

You don't like your duck.

Um, it's... It's...

It's... It's fine.

You don't like your duck either?

The veggies were great.

Everything was great.

You want my veggies?

The duck is good.

So anyway, one of the reasons why I asked you guys to come tonight is, I wrote a letter awhile back for you and Ben and I guess now Kevin, too, that I was gonna mail but I just, I don't know, I wanted to read it to you, so...

All right.

"Dear kids, this letter is long overdue.

Since I was a kid, I have spent a life always wanting and trying to fit in, just like so many other kids.

It was always difficult for me to do so, because I never felt right but could never put my finger on it.

The fact is, I never felt okay in my skin.

I always lacked confidence to survive in the world as I was.

I tried all kinds of things growing up.

Having girlfriends, hanging with the guys, getting married, having kids, coaching sports.

You name it, the list goes on.

Still, I was never okay with me and it's all I've ever wanted.

For myself and many other human beings, gender is not only dictated by the medical standard definition, but more so what one believes in their mind and feels in their heart.

I don't ever wanna hurt you kids and this was a life or death decision for me.

There were periods of time as early as 10 or 11 when I would sneak fashion magazines upstairs to my bathroom and fantasize about what it would be like if only.

I would put on my sister's clothes in the bathroom and makeup and take it all off and put it all away.

Or later in life, hide everything in bags or throw it all away, only later to buy more and do it all over again.

For me, it's not about dressing as a woman either.

It's about my living as and being a woman.

I'm a beautiful woman, and my insides are beginning to match my outsides for the first time in my life.

I also understand fully that I will never, ever be a biological female.

And that knowledge does hurt but I will be allowed to move gracefully through the rest of my life in the way I always dreamed and wanted for myself, and that feels right and good and so it is.

I love you guys, Carly."

That's it.

You okay?

I know you've struggled with this.

It was just so hard.

What was hard?

Just like, switching and calling you this and that and this and that.

Whenever I would say "Dad" and you ignored me.

Yeah.

I just felt abandoned.

Well you're not, not by any means.

That just changed my life.

Oh, Ben.

Just for that, that makes you the most beautiful human being.

I don't even care about calling you "Dad" anymore, like...

I will call you whatever the... you want me to call you.

You got me and I will be here by your side, no matter the circumstance.

And I love you.

I love you.

I love you, Carly.

Thank you for telling me all that.

You're welcome.

I love you, Ben.

I love all of you.

We love you, Kevin.

We all love you, Kevin.

I love you too.

[Music playing]

Growing up is hard to do.

As a kid, I just assumed that my parents would always be there for me, just like when I was little.

But things aren't that simple.

I'm extremely proud of Carly.

I think she's courageous, I think she's brave and it makes me wanna be braver.

I'm starting to realize that sometimes your parents need you more than you need them.

Ben knows that I love him and I care about him.

This is my only life, this is the only one I'm gonna get and this is who I am.

I wasn't born into having two moms but a label doesn't mean anything at all.

It's okay to have a mom and a mom or a dad and a dad or a dad and a mom.

No matter what you have, they're gonna love you.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

You got one day left with your junk.

Like, what are you gonna do?

Talk about a life-changing episode, and not just for Carly.

It's so wonderful being here with you.

What happens when you, like, tell Chris about being transgender?

There's a lot about me that I've hidden.

The "Becoming Us" you can't miss.

All new next Monday, 10/9 central, ABC Family.