01x06 - World's Rudest Barbershop

[bunniefuu]

All right, Lonnie, when I give the word, I want you to come at me, try to grab me.

I will defend myself by getting you into a submissive position.

[Scoffs]

Charmaine, can I help you with something?

Nope. I'm good.

Just eating my applesauce and watching the cartoon.

All right. All right. You got it, Lonnie?

Come at me good, but don't worry.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Okay. Where should I grab you?

Anywhere that's vulnerable.

This is what my sensei calls "hidari eri dori."

Okeydori.

All right, you ready? On the count of three.

Ready?

One, two, three.

[Grunts]

Am I doing it right?

Let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go.

Ba-Dee, Ba-Dee, Ba-Dee. That's all, folks!

♪ It's time to show the world what they've waited for ♪
♪ something like they've never seen before ♪
♪ whoa, we're just getting started ♪
♪ just getting started ♪

What are you guys looking at?

Someone sent me a video called "the world's rudest barbershop."

The Internet is just a collection of mean people saying mean things.

Who are these awful people?

Oh, my god! That's Charmaine!

Yep. She's been viewed 116,000 times in the last 30 days.

Customers have been filming her when she's at her worst.

Meaning the hours between when she wakes up and goes to sleep.

Look at these comments.

People are so ignorant.

This guy even spelled "haircut" wrong.

There's no "n" in "cut."

Oh.

You know, the test for my yellow belt is this weekend, and I don't know if I'm ready.

So I was just wondering if you could help me.

How long you been taking judo?

Couple weeks now. It's good.

You never know when you'll have to defend yourself.

Mo, who would you have to defend yourself against?

Anyone with hands capable of grabbing balls.

What are you b*tches watching?

You. According to this viral video, you are the world's rudest barber.

Mazel tov.

I have so many people to thank...

My mother, who gave me up to the foster-care system, my grandmother, who taught me if you don't have anything nice to say, say it louder.

Charmaine, I don't know if you should take this so lightly.

You could really get in trouble.

How? The only type of person that would be offended by that is a puny little girl.

I am very offended by this video.

Charmaine, my office... now.

Okay, so, you want me to make you look like Harry Styles from One Direction.

Here's a thought.

Come back in five years when life has lowered your expectations.

Why are you still here?

[Laughs]

No, no.

No, no, no, no. No. This is not funny.

Do you have any idea how many people have seen this video, Charmaine?

Do you know what this does for my brand?

[Chuckling] Brand? What brand?

My brand.

What is it?

My brand is my brand. All right?

And this barbershop is branded by...

[Sighs]

The brand that this brand represents.

All right? And for your information, this video is everything that my brand is not.

So here's the deal, Charmaine.

From now on, every one of my customers that walks through that door gets a "hello" and a "how are you?"

And lots of smiles and sentences [High-pitched voice] that go up at the end.

First of all, they're my customers, and I am not changing who I am [High-pitched voice] for you.

[Normal voice] What?

I went [High-pitched voice] up at the end.

[Normal voice] See, this is your problem.

This is your problem.

You think this is funny, like we're the cafeteria in high school eating tater tots and still making fun of freshmen.

We're not those kids anymore, damn it.

All right? We're grown-ups, Charmaine!

[Balloon squeaking]

Look... this is my business, and what you've done has seriously jeopardized my business.

It's out there already.

Nothing I can do about it.

And nothing you gonna do about it.

I mean, it's not like you got the onions to fire me.

I'm a lot scarier than you think.

I can't believe he fired Charmaine.

It's like I've lost my best friend.

Well, you could still make plans and see each other.

Eh, who's got the energy?

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, no! He's hurt! He's hurt real bad!

What? What happened, Lonnie?

Mo and A.J... They were sparring, and now he's hurt real bad.

All right. Just take it easy, A.J.

We're gonna get you to a hospital.

Mo, I'm fine.

Honestly. It's really no big deal.

Oh, my god! It's your pitching arm!

You look like a stick figure someone drew too fast.

It's honestly... it's fine.

It's so gross! I'm gonna throw up!

I was just trying to flip him, and then I heard a bone cr*ck.

It's happening. I'm gonna do it!

I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna hurl! Oh!

I'm sure it's gonna be fine.

You might want to see a doctor, though, just to be sure.

Babe, I think you might be in shock.

We got to get you to the hospital.

A.J.: I think it's a big waste of time.

Hey, what time is it?

No! don't check it!

Oh!

Come on, Mo. Grab his stuff. Let's get going.

You hang in there, buddy! I'm sure it's nothing.

All right. I'll see you guys later.

Holy sh*t! It's waving! Ugh!

[Telephone rings]

Buzzy's. Please hold.

[Telephone rings]

Buzzy's.

Oh, no. Charmaine's not here.

That's not how you pronounce "haircut," and you know it.

[Click]

Buzzy's.

No, Charmaine cannot see you next Tuesday.

Oh, you're horrible!

[Door opens]

Hey, hey. Where the hell have you been?

You know, holding the back of Rihanna's train at the met ball.

Where do you think I've been?

At the hospital with A.J.

How's he doing?

[Sighs] Not too good.

The doctor said the bone was broken in two places.

All right. Zip it, nurse Betty.

Look, I've got a shop full of people, and I've got one barber.

And it's Buzzy.

Yeah, I'm a little low-energy today.

What... what is going on in here?

That Charmaine video's what's going on.

Everyone in Boston wants to come to the world's rudest barbershop to be insulted by the world's rudest barber.

But you fired her.

Oh, did I, Danni? Oh!

Thank you so much for the recap.

You want to tell me what else happened on the last episode of "no sh*t, Sherlock"?

Sherlock got a ketchup stain on his shirt during lunch.

What? Oh, crap.

You know, ma's right... I can't have anything nice.

All right. You know what? Do me a favor.

Cut some heads, okay?

I got to figure out how I'm gonna get Charmaine back...

And find spot remover.

Okay. Uh, Dominic.

Hey, what can I do for you today?

[Scoffs] What do you mean?

This is the world's rudest barbershop.

Treat me like the filth that I am.

Okay.

There he is.

I brought you a cake and a bunch of balloons.

I don't like balloons.

All right, all right.

Oh, A.J...

I feel so guilty for breaking your arm.

I can't sleep.

I can't eat.

Where's the other half of that cake, Mo?

I did eat half the cake. Yes.

Guilt makes me eat compulsively.

How's the arm?

Broken in two places, torn ucl.

Doctor says I'll never pitch again, but, uh, hey, at least my life's over.

[Muffled] I can't even taste this.

Yeah. I, uh...

I don't really have anything to say right now, Mo.

[Normal voice] No, A.J., come on.

I got to know how you're feeling.

It's driving me crazy.

If we don't talk it out, how am I gonna f...

How are you gonna feel better?

Honestly, I just want to go to sleep.

Okay.

Okay, I'll leave you alone.

Listen, listen, listen.

I know you can't use your dominant hand for six weeks, and there are things a man does with his dominant hand that you can't do.

Private things.

Mo...

A.J...

If you need me to...

I will do those things for you.

Don't...

I will do them for you.

Even offer it.

I have offered it. It's there.

You don't have to feel bad about the offer.

You take it back.

I will never take that back.

All you got to do is nod.

No!

Yes.

That's not what... Now all nods mean...

Just... that's that.

No. I'm not doing it. No. That...whatever that is, you do that, and it's done.

Mo, I... you can't leave here till you promise me you won't do it off a nod.

I promise you I won't do it.

You got to get out of here.

[Bell rings]

Hi. Hello. What you need?

Hello.

Woman: Welcome! Good morning!

Hi. Um, yeah.

I'm just here looking for a friend, Charmaine.

She's supposed to, uh, have an appointment here right now.

Yeah, Charmaine late. Sit down.

I'll give you a manicure.

Uh, no. I'm okay.

Customer only, or you get out.

Okay. Fine.

How are you today, huh?

Yeah, I'm...

Oh, I like your little vest.

Okay.

Oh! Wow!

Wha... what?

Why right hand big and strong and covered in callus and left hand smooth and weak like baby?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

June! Patty! Come! Look at this.

Look, I-I'm just here waiting for a friend, okay?

Oh, wow.

You do a lot with one hand. What you do?

What? Doesn't matter, all right?

I own a business.

No. That hand do labor.

You ring bell in tower?

Do I ring a bell in a tower?

What is this... 1482?

Maybe he work at dairy farm and churn butter with one hand.

No, look, I'm just here waiting for a friend to talk to.

That's it, all right?

Oh, he work with friend.

Maybe they do ice sculpture.

The friend hold the ice, and you do like this.

I...

No.

I think he churn butter.

No, ring a bell.

Ice sculpture.

I don't do any of that.

I'm just waiting for a friend, okay?

Oh, so, Ben told you about his date last night?

Oh!

Come in! Sit down!

Hi.

They love you!

Okay. Let's hear it.

So, I was thinking, and, you know, maybe I was a little rash on letting you go so quickly.

You know, I think Dr. Laura may have said it the best...

Cut the sh*t.

Joy already told me people are calling for me and you want me back.

Desperately, okay?

Look, what's it gonna take?

You can ask for anything... Except for a raise, all right?

I'll get you new equipment, a better chair, flexible hours.

Just do not ask for more money.

I want more money.

Damn it. I knew that was gonna happen.

All right. Fine.

But you're k*lling me, Charmaine.

Well, that's what you get for being such a jerk-off.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Listen, Aje...

You're gonna be okay.

I'm not gonna be okay. don't tell me I'm gonna be okay.

I'm never gonna pitch again...

Which means I'm not gonna be a professional ball player...

Which means I don't know who I am or what I'm gonna do with my life.

And that's freaking me out.

You are so much more than just a baseball player.

[Sighs] Whatever.

Yeah, I don't even think baseball is what you're best at.

You know, I always thought you should have been...

Oh, I know what you're gonna say and don't.

I don't want to hear what I could have been or should have been.

Right now, I want to mourn who I thought I was.

All I'm saying is that when one door closes, another one opens.

Yeah. And you know what's behind door number two?

Mo offering me a hand job.

So, uh, thanks for taking a shift.

It's the least I could do.

Poor guy... Going through all this.

If only he had a healthy way of dealing with his emotions.

I'm really worried about him.

He won't talk to me.

Oh. No. don't worry, all right?

A.J. Knows how to deal.

When he's really mad at someone, he writes them a letter and really lets them have it.

He never sends them, but at least he gets it out of his system so he can move on.

He's been doing it since high school.

They're all on his laptop.

That laptop right there?

Yeah.

All right. I got to go.

If you need to run out for anything...

You know, you seem to be eating a lot lately, so, uh...

Just lock the door behind you.

Sure, sure.

Hey, um, so, those letters he writes... they're pretty rough?

Oh, yeah. They're brutal.

[Door opens, closes]

How's A.J. Doing?

[Sighs] Not great.

It's gonna be hard for him to adjust to life without baseball.

I get that.

When I found religion, it took me a long time to get used to having my virginity back.

All right. Listen up, yabbos.

It's time for us to start embracing our new brand, all right?

Buzzy's is now a place where you come and get treated like crap.

So what I'm gonna need you to do is for everyone to be just as rude as Charmaine.

And...

[Sighs]

I mean, I literally just started talking.

I don't know how you could have a question already.

Yeah, yes, yes. What do you want?

I can't be as rude as Charmaine.

It's physically impossible.

That was actually pretty rude.

Sorry.

No, no, no. don't apologize.

Rude is good, okay?

Trust me. You all have an inner Charmaine.

It's just gonna take some practice.

Uh, let's see. Um, Danni, you first.

All right, let's say you get a fat bald guy with a hook hand.

What do you say to him?

Um...

"Sorry for the many bad cards you've been dealt"?

That was terrible. No.

Charmaine, help her out.

Well, when you have someone who presents multiple targets, you have two options.

One strike for each target or...

And this is a high degree of difficulty...

Hit all the targets with one strike.

How do you hit fat, bald, and hook hand all at once?

Hey, Mr. clean, what you eat for lunch?

Six pizzas and your right hand?

Whoa.

The great ones always make it look so easy.

Look, point is, that's our new brand, okay?

Joy, all right.

I'm a new customer seeking the Buzzy's experience, all right?

Really let me have it.

Hey, Missy. You got change for a $20?

Do I look like I work at a bank?

Because I don't. I work at a barbershop.

Do you want a ten and two fives or a ten, a five, and five ones?

Good day, sir!

Your essential kindness sickens me.

[Knock on door]

Buzzy, where are you going? The meeting's not over.

Oh, the boyfriend's dropping off my lunch.

Okay, okay, okay.

But give me a little preview of our new brand, all right?

Be a d*ck to Tommy.

No, no. I'm not gonna do that.

Oh, come on. You can tell him I made you do it right after.

[Sighs]

Lunch is here.

I made chicken salad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If I wanted to listen to an old queen ramble on about nothing, I'd go see a Tyler Perry movie.

Uh...

Sorry, honey. That's just not me.

Ben thinks people enjoy being verbally abused.

He's not wrong.

You just bring some of that nasty home tonight.

Aw.

Good morning, starshine.

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.

What are you talking about?

How do you feel?

I feel great. My guilt is gone.

Mo, if you were my dominant hand last night while I was sleeping, I swear to god...

It's nothing like that.

But the offer still stands.

Listen, listen.

Last night, while you were sleeping, Danni told me that you write letters to everyone you're mad at, and I figured there's got to be one there for me.

So I went on your laptop, and there it was... An open letter to Mo.

You read my letter?

Yep.

And, uh, after I got over the slams about my clothes and my hair...

"Community-theater kenickie" hurt pretty bad...

I read the rest of them.

They're amazing.

You're an amazing writer, A.J.

Mo, that is such an invasion of privacy.

I don't even know what to think right now.

Don't think. Listen.

I thought your letters were so fantastic, I sent them to my cousin Lisa who works at the Huffington Post.

Ta-da!

Ta-da?

Did you just say "ta-da"?

Did I pronounce it wrong?

You break my arm, then you hack into my computer, you read the most private things I've ever written, and then you send them to a publisher without my permission, and then you say "ta-da"?

Would "voilà" work for you, or...

[Bell rings]

I got to say, Ben is a marketing genius.

Rude barbershop?

[Scoffs] That's so brill.

I've been trying to come up with a gimmick like this for my tattoo parlor.

"Take the hep C challenge" was a bust.

Shocking. You're done, Travis.

Thanks, Buzzy.

How do I look?

Like a mug sh*t of a former child star.

It's the drug bloat.

You getting way too good at being mean.

I know.

Last night, I called Tommy "my boyfriend: Based on the novel 'push' by sapphire."

[Singing Italian Aria]

[Sighs]

And that is the true story of how I came out to my dad.

Fascinating, super Mario sister.

Now get out of my chair and stop coming back every day.

All right. You're up, beanie boy.

Nothing. What do you want?

Look, this world's rudest barbershop sh*t isn't working for me anymore.

Yeah, well, it works for me.

I'm serious. It's not cool. Look.

The whole vibe of this barbershop is bad news.

They even being mean to each other.

Hey, I need change.

For this?

Yeah. What else would I be talking about?

Um, I don't know. A change of clothes.

It'd be okay if you showed up for work one day not looking like ke$ha's sluttier sister.

Hey, church lady...

You were a lot nicer before you were a virgin.

Gimmicks fade.

Buzzy's barbershop is a family.

That's your brand, and that's the one that's gonna last.

Look, all I know is, business is up, all right?

So there's literally nothing that you can say that will change my mind.

You can have my raise back.

Not gonna lie. That helps a little bit.

But I'm still not changing anything.

Ben, look at the type of people this new brand of yours is attracting.

Are these really the kind of clientele you want here at Buzzy's?

What's wrong with my clientele?

Hey, rude barbers.

I'll be in the alley if anyone wants to spit on me.

A.J., A.J., look.

I know you're not talking to me, but I've been thinking.

If it helps us get through this, I want you to hurt me like I hurt you.

Now, I broke your pitching arm, so it's only fair if you break my needlepoint hand.

So, I'm gonna close my eyes and I'm gonna count to three.

I'd appreciate it if you did it on two.

One... two...

[Door opens]

What are... What are you guys looking at?

Is that another video of Charmaine?

No. No. A.J. Got published in the Huffington Post.

It's amazing.

I always knew he'd be a great writer.

Anyway...

Wh-what's it about?

Oh, it's called "an open letter to my boss."

Aww, A.J.

Yeah, maybe we read that a little later.

Ben, you know, I just got to tell you that I'm glad that the barbershop that bears my name is back to being a family.

I want to thank you for that.

You're welcome.

Ooh.

What?

Do any gardening with this hand?