01x05 - Super Great Daddy Day

[bunniefuu]

[man beatboxing]

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[man humming and beatboxing]

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Jim: Hey, everybody!

Daddy's home!

I thought you weren't gonna be home until this afternoon.

I know, but I missed my family so much, I took an earlier flight.

So now I can spend all day with my kids having a super-great daddy day!

[all cheering]

[indistinct TV chatter]

[door clicks open]

What are you doing?

Oh, hey, honey. Can you shut the door? It's a little loud out there.

Didn't you just say something about a super-great daddy day, like, six minutes ago?

Yeah, it's still gonna happen. I just want to rest up. Give them my best.

I told you, those are for the kids.

Do we really want them eating this kind of stuff?

That's not good parenting.

Okay. Come on. You got to get up.

Give me that. Stop!

Uh!

Stop! No! Stop.

I go now, Miss Jeannie.

She att*cked me.

[laughs]

Blanca's husband is coming home from overseas today, so we're on our own.

I've got a bunch of errands to run, so I need you to get up and watch the kids.

He is stay?

Yeah.

He watch the kids?

Yeah.

Oh, no. I stay.

No, but your husband! You haven't seen him in almost a year.

I see him later.

No let mister stay with the babies.

Porque van a estar muertos.

You know I'm right here.

He's gordo.

They get in the bed with him.

He roll over. They die.

Gordo means handsome, right?

No.

Uh-huh.

You know what? Just go home.

You enjoy your time with your husband, okay?

And thank him for his service.

[speaking Spanish]

You're gonna just let her flirt with me like that?

[laughs]

Oh.

So sticky.

[cell phone ringing]

Hey, Dave.

What are you doing?

I'm in the middle of a super great daddy day with my children.

That's great. I need you to come to Cafe Gitane right now. It's very important.

For the last time, that barista is not Macaulay Culkin.

No, it most definitely is, but that's not what this is about; now get over here.

What does he want?

He wants me to come to Cafe Gitane.

Oh. You're not going.

I can't go.

[sighing and grumbling]

Oh! You're going!

Apparently, I'm going.

Okay. Good.

I'll see you soon.

Bye.

Wait. Why am I going?

I have to drop a copy of Elizabeth's birth certificate off at the church.

If you met Dave, you could do it for me.

But... but... but... but... but... but what about my super-great daddy day?

[kids screaming and laughing]

Why don't we just e-mail it?

Doesn't e-mail seem a little impersonal?

Yeah. That's the idea.

I look forward to the elimination of all interpersonal communication.

It will take you five minutes.

Fine.

Oh!

As long as you're going out, you can drop these cupcakes off at the kids' preschool for me.

[grumbling]

Why don't we just drop it off with the kids at the school in the morning?

Because then we'd have cupcakes in the house overnight.

Right, and the kids will eat 'em.

Really? The denial runs that deep?

You have no idea.

[kids screaming and laughing]

Oh, my... what flavor are these?

They're vegan.

That's not a flavor.

That's just a cruel trick on a kid.

When you're done, I need you to come right home because I've got to run out and do something really important.

Well, if I'm going out, why don't I just do it?

What do you need?

No, it's okay.

It's something I'd prefer to do myself.

You don't think I can handle it.

No. That's not it. It's just something I have to hand-deliver.

It's not divorce papers, is it?

It's Mary's application to St. Faustina's.

Yeah?

The most prestigious Catholic girls' school in Manhattan.

And, what, they don't accept deliveries from good-looking men?

Daniel's getting us in there anyway.

Well, Daniel's mother is an invaluable reference, but we still have to make a good impression.

All right.

Oh, my God. Is that guy gonna jump?

I'm gonna do it.

Okay.

It's on the Upper East Side.

Two trains?

I'll still do it.

[laughing]

So tell me everything you're doing.

Jeannie, come on. I'm not a child.

What was the second thing?

I'm kidding!

When I come back, super-great daddy day!

Jim.

Yeah?

Cupcakes.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[sighs]

I eat these?

No!

[beatboxing]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, Dave.

Oh, Jim! That's...

Oh, that is totally...

We were just talking... we were just talking about you.

That's why I love New York, 'cause it's so crazy random.

Jim Gaffigan, this is Roxie Harper.

Roxie, this is Jim.

Oh, hey. It's, ah, great to meet you.

Hello.

So Roxie and I were just having a very heated discussion... a little bit of an argument... because a friend of hers thought she saw me at a club last night with another woman, but, as I've been trying to explain to her, that other woman is your girlfriend.

Yes. That... that... that woman was my girlfriend.

Well, if you'll excuse me...

Hold on.

Aren't you married with tons of kids?

Yes.

But you have a girlfriend who was at a club with Dave last night.

Ye...

Well, Jim... Jim and I were... were... were at the club last night with... with his girlfriend, when, suddenly, his wife comes storming in... his wife is an abusive drunk... and... and... and Jim runs out right before his wife att*cks him.

Just comp... just beats him.

Wait. Your wife beats you?

Yeah.

It's... it's taken me a long time to admit it, but my wife beats me.

Oh, is that why your face is so puffy?

This is... this is a private conversation.

Well, it was great to...

Excuse me, sir.

You can't have outside food in here.

It... I'm not... I'm not staying.

Hmm-hmm.

What?

No, he... I didn't... he thought you were...

I didn't think you were.

I mean, unless you are.

[upbeat a cappella music]

[upbeat a cappella music]

Hello.

Mr. Gaffigan.

Yeah.

Hi.

It's so nice to finally see you in here.

Well, no, I've been here before.

I was here...

No.

Well, it was... Yeah. Last year.

Oh, that time. Right.

Well, thank you so much for these. They're vegan?

Uh, yep. No meat. No milk. No joy.

[laughs]

Okay. Well, you know, um...

Before you go, I want to give you some of James's artwork.

He did a very creative drawing.

Oh. Okay.

That.

Oh, wow.

What... that's a... what is that? that's a tiny little... is that a caterpillar, or...

It's your penis.

My penis. My son drew my... he... I... uh... he's never seen it.

Don't be embarrassed.

We encourage the children to express themselves.

And last week, we read a very sweet book about the difference between boys and girls.

James made a connection.

Okay.

And he even inspired some of the other kids.

Emily Chen drew her vag*na.

All right. You know, I...

Look at that. Just look at the...

The wi... the depth and the perspective.

The field of vision is really...

I'm starting to worry this is all part of a sting, so...

Very much advanced for her age.

It's not... look. Stop it.

You take this home.

You display it with pride as you would any of your children's artwork.

Why wouldn't you put that on the refrigerator?

Well, um, I don't want, ah, the babysitter to think we're asking her to buy more hot dogs.

[laughs]

You feed your kids hot dogs.

Of course not. No. Never. I wouldn't.

Hi, Mrs. Chen!

Hi, Emily!

Hi.

You know, I didn't really see anything.

I was just showing him some of your artwork.

[beatboxing]

God bless you. Hi.

Oh, Jim.

Welcome back to town.

Oh?

You must've been on a big tour.

Why would you think that?

I have not seen you at mass.

Oh. You know what?

The thing is, is I, uh...

I... you know, a lot of the services I've been going to are not the ones that you've been servicing.

Oh, so you've been going to the 11:00.

Yeah, I love that one. That's good.

Oh, I did not know you spoke Chinese.

Some, you know. Not... you know, a little bit.

You know what, can I... I just wanted to drop this off. that's the... Elizabeth's birth certificate for the thing you need the birth certificate for.

Yes...

Yes, the Good Shepherd program.

Yeah.

I would have preferred e-mail.

Well, Jeannie wanted to e-mail it, but I was like, "You know what? Let's bring it in."

Hm.

Anyway, you know, I'll see you... ah...

Take care.

I'll see you Sunday.

Sunday? What's Sunday?

Oh, you mean here. Yeah.

I mean, I'm definitely... probably.

Okay.

[beatboxing]

Deliveries are on 84th Street.

I... I... I'm not here for a delivery.

Oh, AA meeting's next door.

The... I'm... I'm here to drop off this for the admissions office.

You're a comic, ain't you?

Uh, yeah.

I saw you once.

Oh, yeah?

You called my girlfriend a whore.

No... what... no. I... I would never... you have me confused for someone else.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was you.

We were at the Gotham Comedy Club.

Yeah, we were heckling, like you're supposed to.

You're actually not supposed to.

And you couldn't handle it, and you called her a fat whore.

That... that was not me.

It was her birthday, too, and her sister had just d*ed three years earlier.

[sighs]

You should not have called her a fat, dumb whore.

I... I didn't.

Have you seen my act? I talk about bacon, you know.

Bacon's so good, even the frying of bacon sounds like applause, like, "Ahhh! Yay, bacon!"

It... it's funnier when I'm holding a microphone.

Can... can you just make sure that gets to where it's supposed to go?

Can I get a picture?

Um, uh, sure. Okay.

Do you want me to come ar...

[camera shutter clicks]

All right.

Thanks.

All right. Thanks.

[upbeat a cappella music]

Jeannie: Okay, guys. Shoes off.

Coats off... you guys, where are you going?

Jim, I told you, those are for the kids.

Oh, you mean our kids?

I wish you'd been more specific.

[bags rustling]

[indistinct TV chatter]

Look at that.

Do you think it takes them a long time to get them in their outfits?

[muffled laughter on TV]

Captain Ahab, I found the great white whale.

I consider the whale the eagle of the ocean.

You look like a dead marshmallow, Jim.

You look like every bad guy on Downton Abbey.

[indistinct chatter]

This is a good episode.

I've seen this one.

You watch Paw Patrol?

What happened to your super-great daddy day?

Yeah, but, you know, I took off my pants, and...

What'd you guys get?

Oh.

Ah, Daniel said I needed a new outfit for the interview at St. Faustina's.

Jim, you dress this woman like a bag lady. She has no nice clothes.

At least, no nice clothes without drool on them.

I only drooled on her once.

I got you some new ties.

I have to wear a tie?

It's gonna look strange with my hoodie.

Jim, that is not funny. I'm not smiling.

I'm not laughing.

Okay.

Daniel picked these out for you.

Oh, great.

[paper rustling]

We need you to look a little bit more conservative.

How do you look more conservative than a pale white guy?

Jeannie, this is gonna be a disaster.

We need to figure out what he is gonna say in the interview so he doesn't embarrass me.

[in Southern accent] Should I walk on my hands and feet, or should I just kind of scoot in there?

I ain't never been outside before.

Do I have to wear pantalones?

Do you have any idea what I've gone through to secure that letter of recommendation from my mother?

If it weren't for my heartfelt concern for your daughter's education... my goddaughter... let's not pretend that little Molly would have any chance of getting into that school.

Thank you, but her name's Mary.

Whatever... just don't blow the interview by being you.

All right. I have to go.

I am meeting Mother for afternoon tea at the Pembroke Room.

Jeannie: Mm.

I hope you're happy.

Well, he was in a good mood.

Why does everyone think I can't handle a simple task?

I ran all your errands today.

And no one d*ed. You're welcome.

Thank you. I mean it.

Oh, my God.

You got to see the drawing that James did at the hippie school; I picked it up.

Oh, yeah? What did James draw?

My penis.

That's not funny, Jim.

Jim!

Don't get mad at me.

It's not like I posed for it.

Okay, that's kind of funny. Where is it?

It's in my green jacket.

By the way, that Chen family seems weird.

Jim! This is the application for St. Faustina's.

Well, um... is there anything else in that pocket?

No!

This... this could be bad.

[beatboxing]

Where's my penis?

Let me get this straight.

You marched into an all-girls Catholic School, and you handed them a picture of your penis.

First of all, it's not a picture.

It's a drawing.

An interpretation of my penis.

Obviously, he's never seen it, 'cause he drew it way too small.

You're not funny! Jim! You're not funny.

Did he put his name on it?

Well, not on it. That would've been...

Jim.

Yes.

His name... our name... was in the lower left-hand corner.

That he made nice and big.

Wh... wh... wh... what are you doing?

I have to go to St. Faustina's right now!

I have to get this application in before today's deadline.

Jeannie, you know... you know, I'm sorry!

There was just all these different forms and...

It's fine. It's my fault.

I knew I should've done this myself.

We just have to pray tomorrow's not a total disaster.

What's tomorrow?

Our interview at the school!

Right. Right. Right.

First thing in the morning.

No, no, I... I remember that.

I... I knew about that part.

But... yeah.

Jeannie.

What?

If you're going to the Upper East Side, can you swing by Tal Bagels?

Onion? But, you like Tal Bagels!

I was joking.

Onion?!

That's a yes, right?

[beatboxing]

♪ ♪

Hello.

We're here to meet with Mrs. Keveny.

Second floor. 216.

Thanks.

Your penis better not come up during this interview.

You know what I mean.

I'm so sorry I haven't been able to spend more time with your application.

[laughs]

Uh, oh, I see here a recommendation from Gloria Benjamin.

Yes, we're friends with her son Daniel.

Gloria's a handful.

[laughs] Well, her son's two handfuls.

But an important benefactor.

You know, handfuls of good stuff.

You know? I like that guy.

I see here you're a stand-up comedian.

I didn't know that.

Oh, don't worry. A lot of people don't know that.

[laughs]

[clears throat]

I, ah... I went to a comedy club with my husband once, but the language was so raw.

Oh, well, Jim doesn't work that way at all, Mrs. Keveny.

His act is very clean.

Jeannie: Totally family-friendly.

Yeah, you could bring your mom to my show.

My mother has been dead for quite a few years.

Well, some of the crowds I've played, they're not exactly...

I mean, she'd fit right in 'cause they're dead.

Sorry.

Most of the parents here are investment bankers.

It would be nice to have one with a career in the arts.

We love the arts.

Yeah. We really do. I've... you know, I love the arts.

I'm always taking my kids to museums, like The Met.

Oh, how nice. We're just across the street.

From what?

The Met.

Oh, yeah. Th... that Met. Yeah. Yeah.

That one's my... one of my favorites.

Uh, you know, great paintings there, right?

What sort of paintings do you like?

Uh, you know, I like, um...

I waiver, you know.

I'm always changing, you know.

I go in there and I just get some inspiration.

I like the blurry ones.

You know, where it's kind of blurry, where you're like, "Oh, maybe this guy didn't have his glasses on when he was painting it."

Love those.

But mostly, I love... I like the landscape stuff, where it's like, "Oh, that's France 200 years ago."

Or, like, there's a battle, and these guys are about to die. that's interesting, but I like the portraits.

The sad, ugly Europeans.

You know, kind of like, "Hey, you're hard on the eyes.

Can I do your portrait?"

That kind of thing.

Like Monet. Love him.

[quietly] Or her.

Mr. and Mrs. Gaffigan, I do have one question about your application...

Oh, did we miss something?

Oh, no. The application is fine.

It's what you submitted along with it.

You know what? [stammering] That's my fault.

You... you shouldn't have seen that.

No one should have to see that.

I mean, I'm forced to, but our son James goes to this progressive school on the Lower East Side.

Not a good school like this.

It's a birth certificate.

both: What?

It isn't even Mary's.

Elizabeth is her sister, I'm assuming.

Right... you know, with five children to look after...

Five Catholic children!

These mix-ups are bound to happen.

Not that we're overwhelmed. We're not. I... you know.

At least I'm not overwhelmed.

Yeah, she's not.

[knocking] Mrs. Keveny, I am so sorry to interrupt.

Excuse me.

No problem.

Uh, can I speak with you in private for a moment?

Mrs. Keveny: Certainly. Will you excuse me, Mr. and Mrs.

Gaffigan?

Of course.

Yes!

Well, you... eeh! You never know. I mean, it's...

Jim, are you kidding?

I mean, sure, maybe bringing up her dead mother was a misstep, but other than that, we've got five kids.

You're kind of in the arts.

Kind of?

They'd be crazy not to take us.

Look, there might be stuff about us, or you, that they don't like.

For example?

Off the top of my head, say they thought you were an alcoholic who b*at me.

That sort of thing.

What are you talking about?

I'm afraid, Mr. and Mrs. Gaffigan, we're going to have to end this interview.

My wife would never hit me.

Nev... well, yesterday she did, but, you know, she doesn't...

I mean, she's... she does it occasionally, but never in the face.

I mean, one time at a luau, but she was really drunk.

It's not like she drinks that... it was free rum.

You know, how are you gonna turn...

You know what? We're against v*olence.

You'll really have to excuse me.

I've been called to an urgent meeting by the headmaster.

Should we come back another time?

That won't be necessary.

You're both delightful people, and barring any unforeseen circumstance, I think I can safely welcome you to the St. Faustina's family.

Nothing.

It's totally fine.

[laughing] Nothing.

Oh, Jim! That was unbelievable!

[squealing]

We did it! You didn't even embarrass Daniel.

It could've gone wrong so many times, but you know what?

I was good. I was good.

You know, like, when I talked about The Met.

That was good.

The Met thing wasn't good.

woman: That's him!

Who's that?

I don't know.

Remember me, funny boy, from the comedy club?

You owe me an apology, you fat pumpkin-head.

Don't call my husband a pumpkin-head.

Well, what about fat?

Oh, he can dish it out, but he can't take a dose of his own medicine?

Just like you couldn't handle the heckling.

You're not supposed to heckle.

You heckled?

You called me a dumb, fat, ugly bitch!

I thought it was "whore."

I am gonna kick your ass!

I'm gonna kick your ass!

I'll kick your ass, you skinny bitch!

[all speaking at once]

I can take her! I can take her! Stop it!

[all shouting]

They seemed like such a nice couple.

woman: I didn't want to say anything before, but she's a violent drunk and beats him.

That explains the puffy face.

Oh, this is sweet.

Not as sweet as the way you went Real Housewives on that crazy lady today; that was sweet.

I'm guessing our daughter will not be going to St. Faustina's.

I think once the cops showed up, it didn't matter how conservative my tie was.

Hey, I want to apologize for getting so upset yesterday.

You were trying to help, and that's more than most dads do.

Well, it's more than you do.

[laughs]

I should probably apologize about today, but I can't 'cause it was all your fault.

Feels good to say that.

Is this how you feel all the time?

Let's get the kids to bed.

No, you know what? Let me do it.

You should probably soak your knuckles.

Thanks.

Good night, pumpkin-head.

[indistinct TV chatter]

That's my fudgicle, Daddy.

Shh. You ate yours.

Don't you remember? Go back to sleep.

You're dreaming.

Mmm.

Go, Paw Patrol. Go.

Before I deliver today's homily, I just want to acknowledge my new friend, Jim Gaffigan.

He gave me this beautiful drawing of a very tiny, small tower standing in the middle of a field of curly brown wheat, a childlike, but profound, symbol of peace and humility.

I liked it so much that I had it printed on the cover of the new church bulletin.

Why don't we... um... pass these around so we can all enjoy?

[beatboxing]

Mmm... go ahead...

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