01x02 - Red Velvet If You Please

[bunniefuu]

[man beatboxing]

♪ ♪

[man humming and beatboxing]

♪ ♪

Hey, everybody!

Daddy!

Hi.

Blanca: Oh, look, your daddy.

Okay, everybody, head into the bedroom with Blanca.

I need to speak with Daddy.

Uh-oh, somebody's in trouble.

What? Nobody's in trouble.

What are you talking about?

Okay... What did you do?

Yeah, I find it insulting that just because I went to Vegas...

Tell me what you did.

How about, "Welcome home, honey"?

I flew across country, sat on a plane for 4 ½ hours, working.

What did you do, Jim?

[sighs] All right, full disclosure, I was watching Storage Wars, but it was interesting.

No, not on the airplane. What did you do in Vegas?

Well, I landed at McCarran yesterday.

I ran into Carrot Top.

He's so nice.

Not in the airport.

What did you do in Vegas?

[sighs]

Maybe you should sit down.

I knew it.

Jeannie... I am a weak, weak man.

Oh, my God, Jim, what did you do?

Wait, let me explain.

I never thought something like this could happen to a guy like me.

I went right back to my hotel room after my show at the Mirage.

Jeannie: Were you drinking?

Jim: Of course I wasn't drinking.

Honestly, I couldn't sleep.

So believe it or not, Jeannie, I grabbed the Bible, and I started reading it, and frankly I enjoyed it, particularly Job, 'cause he had everything, and then God took away most of it and then even more.

Jeannie: Just get to the point, Jim, please.

Jim: Suddenly there was a knock at the door.

[knocking]

[Black Velvet by Alannah Myles playing]

♪ ♪

And there, right in front of me, was the most gorgeous, beautiful, luscious red velvet cake I've ever seen.

Myles: ♪ Black velvet and that little boy's smile ♪

Jim: I told the waiter, who was a nice guy, "No, thank you. I'm not gonna eat a cake after 11:00 at night," and then he explained that the cake was a gift from a group of nuns from New Mexico that are allowed out once a year, and they came to my show, and they made this cake because they said I was very Christ-like.

I don't want the reputation for being ungrateful, but still, I didn't want the cake, and then I went to bed.

And then what?

Then I got up.

I got the cake, and I ate a piece.

It was a gift from nuns.

You only ate one piece?

Yeah. Okay, I ate two pieces.

I ate half the cake.

But then I put the cake in the hall, and I locked the door, and I ate the rest in the morning.

Myles: ♪ If you please ♪

It sat out in the hall all night, and then you ate it?

But... er... er... I... I saw it as a sign.

Jeannie, I woke up in the morning, and it was there in the hallway taunting me.

Oh, my God.

It was red velvet. You know that's my kryptonite.

Yeah, but you're not Superman.

You're a guy who ate a hall cake.

What's wrong with eating something from a hall?

You know, the army, they eat in a mess hall.

You don't support the troops, huh?

Jim, stop defending yourself.

You ate an entire cake.

So I ate a cake. Who hasn't eaten a cake, huh?

Me! I've never eaten a whole cake.

Jim, you're rationalizing.

Oh, you're in denial. Watch this.

Blanca, have you ever eaten a whole cake?

No.

Well, what about a flan?

Flan is not a cake.

Yeah, and a quesadilla's not Mexican pizza.

I don't need to communicate this to her.

We all rationalize, Jeannie.

When are you gonna admit you have a problem with overeating?

That's my act. In my act, I'm an overeater.

In real-life I'm just a regular old guy who happened to eat a little cake.

All right, it was a big cake, but it's not like I ate two cakes.

I ate one cake!

It's not just the cake, Jim.

It's everything.

You were banned from Big Gay Ice Cream.

From the truck.

I can go to any of the shops, and everyone knows that guy in the truck is a jerk and probably not even gay.

You have a six-month old daughter.

Don't you want to be at her wedding?

Is there gonna be cake there?

I'm kidding.

I can't help you if you can't help yourself.

Hi, Blanca.

Hi.

Hi, Jeannie.

Hi.

Jim, you look like you just ate an entire cake.

He did.

What are you doing here?

Jeannie, I know we had plans tonight to look at the Sunday open house listings. I have to cancel. Why?

I'm glad you asked. I've been invited to an exclusive dinner party at the home of a very famous celebrity couple.

Don't ask me who. I cannot say.

All right, I'll tell you.

It's John Legend and Chrissy Teigen, but don't tell a soul.

It's so tacky to name-drop.

How did you score that invite?

I got invited by their decorator, aka my soul mate.

Soul mate? I've never even heard of this guy.

Clancy and I met at the Prada sample sale.

We were reaching for the same scarf.

It was very Lady and the Tramp.

Which one were you?

He's a decorator, so turns out we know all the same people.

It's perfect. We can open up a little firm together.

We can adopt a kid, spend way too much time in the Hamptons, because, quite frankly, Clancy and I are getting a little sick of the city.

Daniel, you're doing it again.

No, I am not. No, no.

Jeannie, this is different. This is totally different.

Yeah, this time the guy's name is Clancy, which is a dog's name by the way.

Just be careful.

Hey, didn't the last guy steal your passport?

He's coming back.

Well, it's gonna be awkward for you and Clancy.

Oh, by the way, do you guys still have that bottle of wine I got you for Christmas?

Yeah, it's right over there.

Oh, good. I hope you don't mind.

I'm gonna take this to the party.

It's a very good bottle of 2004 Colgin Cellars.

No offense; It's wasted on you two.

[in Southern accent] And no offense taken.

I couldn't even get that darn thing open.

Tried to open it with my teeth. Wouldn't work.

It's funny 'cause it's true. Bye.

Bye. Have fun at your party.

I'll say "hi" to Chrissy Teigen for both of you.

So the wh... entire time you were dating him, no idea?

Oh, that reminds me.

One of us has to bring Elizabeth to a birthday party.

Oh, cool. When are you going?

It's tomorrow morning in Central Park at 8:00 a.m.

[chuckles]

A Saturday morning birthday party at 8:00 a.m.?

Who's throwing it, Al-Qaeda?

I got three shows tonight. You got to go.

Okay, no problem, and then you can bring the other four kids to the YMCA at 8:30 a.m. for swimming lessons.

This is why I didn't want to have kids.

All right, fine, I'll go to the stupid, dumb birthday party.

Oh, you know what, given your recent cake incident, maybe I should take the party.

What, are you worried that I'm gonna eat the kid's birthday cake?

I didn't get out of cake rehab.

You know what, I want to go to the birthday party.

Jeannie, I would like to spend some quality time with my daughter.

You don't want to go to that birthday party tomorrow, do you?

Yay! Zoe's party!

Do you like that girl? She seemed rather aloof.

She's not the one that pooped in the ball pit, is she?

You know what would be really fun?

We could have, like, a sleeping contest.

I bet you I could b*at you.

Zoe's party! Zoe's party!

So you're on the fence?

'Cause I would lean towards not going, but you know what, think about it.

Hopefully there won't be a ball pit, right?

Here we go.

Whoa. What are you doing here?

You look like how I feel.

Hey, man, I got to k*ll a couple hours, all right?

What, with your breath? Wow, you reek.

I... I gotta get going.

Listen, man, last night I was with this chick with the most incredible ass...

Ah...

Sets. Okay.

Anyway, that's why I can't go home, all right?

I'm gonna catch Hell from my mom if she finds out I was out all night.

What are you, 12?

Hey, listen, I just can't deal with my mother's judgment.

Let me hang, all right?

You know, this is another reason why your roommate shouldn't be your mom.

Just go home and face the music.

Get it over with, all right?

Listen, she's got a 10:00 yoga thing.

I just got to k*ll a couple of hours, and then I won't run into her. Where are you going?

It's 7:15. I'm with my three-year old, and I'm holding a gift bag.

We're going to get matching tattoos.

What do you think we're doing? We're going to Central Park for a birthday party obviously thrown by Satan.

Birthday party, huh?

Yeah.

Yummy mummies. All right, I'm in.

What's a "yummy mummy"?

It's a... It's a... ice cream flavor, honey.

Yeah, that your daddy can't have, but your Uncle Dave can.

All right, you know what, I'm not bringing anyone to a birthday party who calls himself "Uncle Dave."

All right, I do believe Central Park is a public park, so maybe I'll just see you there at my morning jog.

Fine.

Who are these people?

What are they doing awake so early?

What, do they go to bed at, like, 6:00 p.m.?

Daddy, can I get my face painted?

Your mom wouldn't want you to.

Bah, go ahead. I don't care.

[Black Velvet by Alannah Myles plays again]

♪ ♪

Red velvet.

There's no other food here but cake, and of course, it's red velvet.

So you don't like red velvet?

I don't like red velvet?

[laughs]

That's a good one. [laughs]

Okay. I'm gonna or there now.

Mm... Dave, I need your support on this.

Okay.

I cannot eat that cake.

Jim, don't eat that cake.

That Asian mom is super hot.

Check that out.

She's pregnant.

Yeah, so she puts out.

I think she needs to meet Uncle Dave. Yikes.

Right after I introduce myself to Betty Draper.

Madame.

It's really a disgrace, the homeless problem in this city.

I know, it's very sad.

How about these weirdos with the 8:00 Saturday morning birthday party?

Pardon me?

And there's no food.

Did you notice that? No food.

I mean, there's cake... just cake.

They're feeding our kids cake for breakfast.

That's borderline child abuse.

I'm the host. Zoe's my daughter.

Got ya!

[laughs] I'm Jim. I'm Elizabeth's dad.

I know. We've met before, many times.

Gotcha again. I was just testing ya.

Would you stop leering at everyone?

You could put your drink on that.

Why didn't you tell me everybody here was gonna be married?

It's one of the side effects of being a "yummy mummy."

All right, look, can we go now?

We just got here.

I'm gonna go find a place to lie down, maybe puke.

Is that...

[children chattering]

Excuse me, ma'am, there's no mobile phones in the pool area.

It really is an emergency.

Jim: Hey, Jeannie.

Jim, have you been eating cake?

You sound guilty.

No, I haven't been eating cake.

Jeannie: Well, what have you been eating?

I haven't eaten anything, for your information, and frankly I'd like to get back to bonding with my daughter, thank you.

Good-bye.

Jeez.

Hey, how are you? Good to see you again.

Hi.

Sorry.

[chuckles]

That's pretty good.

Ah, Jim, good morning.

Uh... I had no idea you knew Nai-Nai Chow.

Yeah, I... ah... I, ah, do t'ai chi with him or her.

T'ai chi with Nai-Nai, that is wonderful.

This is truly a great party.

I mean, they are serving such delicious food.

That food looks pretty good.

Yeah sure.

You know, one of the most unique and wonderful things about New York City is the wide variety of cultures, you know, like Jesus once said...

That's great, Father.

Ah, does the buffet start here, or is it, like, some weird Chinese...

Oh, no. It's right there. You bet.

Great, thanks. Okay.

Guess I'll use the big plate.

At least I don't have to go through twice.

Ah...

[Jim humming to himself]

Excuse... Oh, hey, ah... can you give me, por favor?

Danke schoen. Can I go a deuce?

Thanks. There we go. [humming]

Do we have a spoon here?

[humming softly]

No, you go ahead.

Ah, yeah... I just wanna get one of these.

[humming softly]

Thank you.

Yikes. Are those fish heads?

I... I like Chinese food, not Chinese-Chinese food.

You don't see that at Panda Express.

[_]

Quai-jo? My name's Jim.

[girls giggling]

[Black Velvet playing again]

♪ ♪

[record scratches]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey!

D... d... wh... where are the moms?

I mean, we can't have kids...

What... what are...

You know, this is just...

You know, I...

♪ ♪

You'd think they'd make those park benches a little more comfortable to sleep on. You know what I mean?

You have a little something on your face.

You got something on your face.

That's a good comeback, Jim.

I'm gonna see if any of these MILFs has an aspirin.

[coughs]

Hey, I was wondering if you could help me out a little bit.

Of course. I saw you, ah, sleeping on that park bench.

Yeah, yeah. No, I was out all night.

Oh, I'm sure.

Can I buy you something to eat?

Well, that's forward. Okay.

I mean, I do love the brunch at Balthazar.

I'm not gonna lie.

You know what, let me give you some money.

Oh. O... okay.

Ah, except... that's not gonna cover Balthazar. Was that...

All right, kids, let's come have some cake.

Time to sing Happy Birthday to Zoe.

She's four years old!

My cake is broken. [cries]

Oh honey.

It's been vandalized.

I saw the fat guy do it.

I'm not that fat.

Besides, that's ridiculous. I'm a grown man.

I didn't touch the dumb, stupid old cake.

Why is there frosting on your face?

The... the... that's shaving cream.

Mm.

Hey.

Hey, how was the party?

It was pretty fun.

Yeah?

Blanca, can you please take the kids into the bedroom?

Uh-oh, you in trouble again.

No, I'm not.

I received a call.

I didn't do it, all right?

It was those... these two little savages.

I tried to fix it, and I got frosting on my beard.

I know I shouldn't have been near that evil cake, but it was red velvet, Jeannie.

Why did it have to be red velvet, huh?

I was gonna say, "I got a call from Father Nicholas."

Oh, how's that old guy doing, huh? Is he good?

You crashed the Chows' party?

Yeah, yeah, well, you know, I'm friends with the grandma.

Jim, enough.

All right, fine.

You're right.

I do have a problem with overeating.

Jeannie: With what?

Overeating.

I'm so proud of you for admitting that.

Hey, listen, it's okay.

It's not that bad. It's nothing we can't deal with.

It... it's actually pretty bad.

I... I didn't tell you everything that happened in Vegas.

That cake never actually made it into the hall?

You ate the whole thing in one sitting, didn't you?

Well, yes.

[Black Velvet playing again]

♪ ♪

Wow. That is pretty bad.

That... that's nothing.

[sighs]

Something happened at the airport.

I was at the Vegas airport, eating this horrible salad, waiting for my flight.

This guy's sitting across from me who's eating a burger and fries.

He was a slob, eats with his mouth open.

You know how I find that annoying.

Jeannie: Mm-hm.

Then he gets up, wheels away, leaving the whole thing of fries there.

I thought it was wasteful.

[yawns]

You ate a stranger's fries?

Wait, it... it gets worse.

Were those my fries?

No.

You stole my fries?

Mm-hmm. He took 'em.

You abandoned them. You know, I didn't want them going to waste.

There are people starving in Africa, right?

Obviously, I didn't say that 'cause you're...

You might be Puerto Rican.

You're gonna pay for those fries.

Yeah.

You left with your bag.

I went to the bathroom.

You're not supposed to leave your bags unattended.

Haven't you ever been to an airport?

Look, I even left my drink.

You know what that tells me, sir? That you're a slob.

You don't even have the cap on.

I was looking forward to those fries, okay?

I purposely saved them for after my burger.

Who does that?

Who eats fries after a burger?

I mean, that is... Not in America, buddy.

I don't know what country you're from.

This is a free country.

You can eat your fries in any order.

I was sitting here, then you sat down.

You were a guest at my table.

Oh, no.

As the host, I'm entitled to certain rights and privileges.

Everyone knows that.

The... there's no...

She agrees. These women agree.

No, she doesn't agree.

She does agree.

You're not a host.

Have a nice day.

[chuckles]

Wow, that's pretty much rock bottom.

Wait, it gets worse.

Here he is.

I know you!

You're that comedian, right?

I saw your show last night at the Mirage, big fan.

Hey, thanks for coming. That was a great audience, right?

It doesn't matter who he is, okay?

He stole my fries.

Haven't you ever seen his stand-up act?

He can't help it. He's a fat guy who eats everything.

He can't stop eating.

[laughs]

Hey, hey, hey... do the bacon thing. Do the bacon thing.

You got to see this, man. You'll wet your pants.

Come on, the bacon.

Last one's asleep.

Oh, that's great.

I'm exhausted.

I'm gonna be out before my head hits the pillow.

You coming?

Nah, I'm just gonna have a snack, then I'll see you in there.

Take your time.

Eh!

[knocking]

[Jim hums to himself]

Ah, hey Hector... ah, I didn't order a pizza.

I know, I had another delivery in the building.

The store messed up and gave me an extra pizza... they're going to throw it out anyway, so I thought I'd offer it to you.

♪ Black velvet, if you please. ♪