01x08 - #AlltheTrimmings

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Becoming Us...

At the engagement party, there was a lot of conversation about Carly.

I don't wanna deal with that.

I mean, should I like, un-invite her?

We only met once at a party.

I think that's awesome.

Would you consider coming to visit me?

Yes I would.

Yes.

Gender is not only dictated by the medical standard definition but more so what one believes in their mind and feels in their heart.

That just changed my life.

I'm Ben, I'm sixteen years old and I'm a junior high school.

I grew up with loving parents, I have an amazing sister and I have an awesome girlfriend named Danielle.

If I fall, you're always there to pick me up.

I've got your back.

I thought I knew exactly where my life was headed until she came along.

Her name is Carly and Carly... was my dad.

What now?

[Theme music playing]

♪ Woah, oh, oh ♪
♪ woah, oh, oh ♪
♪ it's a big ♪
♪ big world ♪

[music playing]

Do you like this dress?

Yes?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

It's hard to believe but there's only ten weeks until my wedding.

And Thanksgiving is a perfect time to go back to New York City and do all the things I need to do like invitations and flowers and stuff like that.

I'm really excited about going to New York for Thanksgiving but there is something I have to get off my chest with Carly before we go because it'll just bother me the whole time and distract me if I don't.

Hello.

Hello.

You look kinda cranky.

I'm not cranky.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Thanks for coming.

Sure.

You have some lipstick right on top.

What's up, am I in trouble?

You sent me a text message last week and quite frankly, I'm pretty furious about it.

Okay, well this'll be fun.

And...

You're about to go off to Arizona.

Arizona, yeah.

To have a sexual reassignment surgery?

Yeah.

And your text message says to me that you can't afford Ben's school fees.

I don't owe for Ben's school fees.

Yes, you do.

No, sorry.

Yes you do.

No, don't.

We split that.

No we don't.

Yes we do.

Look in the agreement.

Carly has paid child support but she doesn't pay for much extra because she exhausted her funds.

There's obviously a really big misunderstanding here, so...

What's a misunderstanding?

You told me you can't pay, how is that a...

I can't afford $160 a week.

That's bull(bleep).

I'm sorry.

That's bull(bleep).

Well.

You're about to go have a huge operation.

Yeah.

You can afford that?

I'm not paying for that.

I have really great health insurance and I switched plans specifically because I was told I could get the surgery covered.

I couldn't afford it otherwise.

I will pay for it even though I can't afford it, that's fine.

It's fine.

She got everything she asked for in our divorce, I didn't fight anything.

So I don't know, I don't buy the whole thing being about money, it's about her hurt that I caused.

Well this has been great, I'm out of here, see ya.

That's typical.

Yeah.

It was great having coffee with you.

You know what's missing in your life?

Nothing.

Deep intimacy.

Got it.

And a vag*na is not gonna replace that.

I've already got intimacy, thanks.

I'm all good to go.

I've never seen it and I don't see it with your son.

You won't see it with me.

[Music playing]

Hey, that's interesting.

Hey.

On the floor reading.

Yeah, I found an old one.

Okay.

How's it going?

I have some really exciting news to tell you.

Okay.

So I actually have arranged for Chris to come out and see me.

Yeah, awesome.

Yeah.

Chris is someone that I met at a party in Oklahoma.

He identifies himself as a male.

What kind of do you hope to accomplish with his... his visit here?

He's never really had a connection with someone, he can never really trust someone.

Wow.

And by showing that I really am in love with him, we can find that connection.

Wow.

So us being together is like, it's a really big deal.

Question.

Yeah.

What happens when you like, tell Chris about being transgender?

I don't know, that's just...

Chris doesn't think that way.

Yeah.

He wouldn't change his perception of me just because he knows about my physical form that way.

But do you feel like you're lying if you don't like, right away tell someone that like, you happen to be...

No, I'm not.

So um, yeah.

If Lathan doesn't open up and tell Chris that he's transgender, a lot of bad things can happen.

I just don't wanna see my brother get hurt again.

Gender is really liquid to me.

Yeah, no I know.

You know, there are people who don't really feel like it's necessary to come out, it's... it's not really, it doesn't really define who they are.

All they want to do is just to be who they wanna be and it's not deceitful, it's not like you're lying to anyone.

It's more of just, "hey, I'm happy who I am and I don't really need to tell you about my personal effects."

So that's why so many people are silent, that's why so many people don't really talk about it as much.

I just don't talk about it.

It's just... it's just what it is.

Yeah.

I am so excited to see them.

Knowing that surgery's coming, I no longer am counting down, so I'm, you know, really pretty excited about that.

Who isn't excited about spending Thanksgiving with the Crawfords?

It'd be like spending a whole two weeks at six flags, but in an apartment in New York City.

[Music playing]

Take it.

You so crazy.

I love the color of beets, yeah.

Blood red.

Listen, Madea over there.

So have you made a decision about Carly coming to the wedding?

No.

Well, would you like my two cents?

It's okay.

You know, we have a long history and it's a long history of not being truthful.

Mm-hmm.

And where does forgiveness start and end and...

I just wish she had not lied to you.

Right.

I will never say, "I forgive you for that," that's not gonna happen ever.

Well you don't have to.

No I don't.

I don't forgive her for lying to you at all.

After hearing Carly's letter, it really put everything into perspective for me and now I hang out with my mom and I just get torn both ways.

Yeah.

The free passes are gone, in my opinion.

And she pushed my buttons big time last week, big time.

Which shows me that that person is still there.

So in a perfect world, she wouldn't be there.

Hey.

Hi.

Come here.

Oh my gosh, I can't believe it's you.

I know, right.

Chris and I have only met once before and I'm so nervous that he's finally here, I just can't find the words to describe how I feel.

So how's the... your flight?

It was absolutely fabulous.

Yeah.

Oh.

Yeah.

How do you react to the weather?

It's not too bad, I mean, I've been in Ohio so I've been around cold before.

Yeah, right.

I'm not sure if I am gonna tell Chris about my past or not.

It will come naturally as it comes, if it does.

I'm just so happy, like I can't even talk straight, I'm such an idiot.

You're not an idiot.

I can't even be proper and nice and my normal self because I'm just so nervous.

Oh.

I'll calm down, don't worry.

Give me your hand.

So...

So surreal.

Yeah.

Well I want you to just... we have an... a hotel and I'm going to be planning on taking you to all sorts of places that I've always loved going to, um yeah.

Um, yeah.

But...

Oh man.

So am I just gonna watch you like, flail around or be erratic?

I guess you might have to suffer through that, yeah.

It won't be suffering.

[Music playing]

Well I'm here in Arizona, the day before surgery to see Dr. Meltzer.

Carly?

Yeah.

Come on back.

Okay.

I'm gonna being having SRS, which is sex reassignment surgery and then I'm having my trachea shaved, just to get rid of the Adam's apple.

All right, I'm gonna have you look straight ahead at me.

You know, women have Adam's apples too, but it's just in men they're just a little bit more pronounced.

Usually that's one of the first things that people see when they look at you and go, "hmm, is that a guy or a girl?"

And they go, "oh, that's a guy."

He has an Adam's apple.

Is my hair okay?

Carly, here's Dr. Meltzer.

Awesome.

Hello, how are you?

Hey, great, good, how are you?

Nice to see you again.

Nice to see you again.

Cute outfit again.

Thank you.

Anyway, the procedure tomorrow will take between three and three and a half hours.

The procedure itself, if you look at it, what we're really doing is... is we're taking the penile skin, turning it inside out and bringing it into a space created for the vag*na.

So the penile skin will form the vaginal lining.

Oh.

So the only thing we're gonna eliminate is gonna be erectile tissue.

Right.

But what we're doing is...

That we don't need.

Exactly, you don't need it.

So no major sensory nerves are cut in this operation.

Okay. Surgery is not what makes someone trans, it's about a lot of other things than just surgery.

For me, it's just about my own physical comfort and what I desire for myself.

I'm gonna have you sign the consent for vaginoplasty and tracheal shave.

Okay.

Great.

Set my coffee down.

Any other questions?

No.

There you go.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

[Music playing]

Hello.

Hello.

What's up?

What's up?

Well, I'm down to day... day one.

One day left.

One left.

Yep.

You got one day left with your junk.

Like, what are you gonna do with it, like...

I'm gonna tuck it like any other day.

I mean, aren't you gonna go like, piss in the dirt, like write your name in the sidewalk or anything?

Should I go out and stand up and pee somewhere?

Yeah like, do it in the middle of the street walking, like why not?

I tried running and peeing once, it was the dumbest idea ever but whatever.

Okay, so anyway...

As you were saying.

Now that I've heard Carly's letter, everything's making sense and it's what she wants to do so at the end of the day, I love her.

So anyway, yep, tomorrow is... tomorrow's the day. I go in at 10 am.

Have you like, mentally prepared yourself for the aftermath of when you wake up?

Yes.

Like, you know it's gonna hurt like...

No, he said it's really not that bad, it's just discomfort.

He said you'll be up, you could probably get up and walk that day but it would not be good for your wounds, but you know, a couple days, you're up and walking.

A couple, few days.

I'm getting like, tingles in my...

In your groin?

Yeah.

Yeah, I know, I know, sorry.

Well I miss you, I wish you were here.

I miss you too.

All right, I'll talk to you soon, all right?

All right, I love you.

Love you too.

All right, bye.

Bye.

Now, for the wedding invitations...

Uh-huh.

Something formal.

Yeah.

A little flimsy overlay...

I love that.

With stars punched in.

Aw, so pretty.

Then back here, not this, but back here we could have a quote from Romeo and Juliet.

I know my favorite quote.

What?

My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep.

The more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.

You're gonna make me cry.

That's my fave, I couldn't get through that in the show.

Oh.

Yeah.

My grandfather Ron has been there nonstop from the very beginning.

Everyone, come on.

Quit it.

He was the one who watched me when I went up and down the stairs a hundred million times as a baby.

Is that your feet?

Yes.

He's really always been the most consistent and most loving and most sincere father figure in my life from the time I was born until now.

So all of this is coming together.

I know, I love it a lot.

Thank you.

No, thank you. I love all that stuff.

Good.

Now how comfortable are you with all this, I mean Carly and all?

Oh, honestly, I don't know if I want her there.

But I should because, you know...

I don't know if there's a should.

It feels like, you know, I owe it to Ben a little bit.

Maybe to Ben, there's another whole factor.

But then I get mad at myself for being like, "who cares?"

Just do what's best for us and do what's best for me and Kevin and you know, Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

What would you do?

What would I do?

Yeah.

I would invite the people I want to invite.

I don't know what Carly's like now but I know Charlie was unpredictable.

And all, I think the reason that we're uneasy about it is all this doesn't have to do with changing from man to woman and whatever.

No.

It has to do with that person.

I know, I know.

Yeah.

But it feels now more like I have a better relationship with her, her now.

And that's good.

But Mom has talked to me a lot about a time when I know things and lies that happened and like, blatant lies to her face.

Mm-hmm.

And it makes me really mad.

Mm-hmm.

But then I feel guilty.

I don't wanna make everybody uncomfortable, though.

We are strong enough to handle whatever happens, so don't worry about that.

I don't know.

Well I support whatever decision you make.

Well thank you.

[Music playing]

My biggest excitement about the surgery is not having to tuck my penis so that others don't notice it.

I'm over it, it doesn't really work well for me anymore, I've never really enjoyed sexual intercourse being a guy and um...

I'm looking forward to that just being done.

The only hesitation is is that, you know, I'm changing what I've known for 48 years.

That in itself is scary and then just the fear of you know, what if it doesn't quite work out the way I'm hoping it's gonna work out?

Or the way I've, you know, the way I'm expecting it to work out, you know, that's scary.

Hey.

Carly.

Yep. Piper.

Do you wanna have a seat over there?

Thanks.

The nurse will come out and get you soon.

All right.

Building up to this, I had to go through a lot as far as coming to terms with the fact that I was not born biologically female and that I will never be biologically female, no matter what I do.

You know, there's a certain amount of emotional work that I had to do to get to that point, because that's really the reality.

And while that makes me sad, a bigger part of me knows that at least I'll get to live the rest of my life in a way that's more aligned with what I want for myself.

That to me, that makes this all worth it.

Carly?

Yeah.

I'm glad for modern medicine.

Hey.

Hey, how are you?

Good, how are you?

Good, come on back.

Okay.

Have a seat.

Let me show you some of Brook's really cool artwork.

It's very exciting.

I like her style.

So that's hers?

Yeah but what's really interesting is that um...

She does it with her fingers.

Isn't that cool?

Just all the color.

Yeah and it really is simple.

That's finger paint?

Yeah, that's finger painting.

Okay.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi. Oh my gosh, here.

Nice to meet you.

Hi.

So yeah, this is Chris.

What are you guys doing?

Isn't that awesome?

Welcome to the apartment.

I love that there's art on the walls, I love it when people do that.

Yeah, I don't like bare walls.

How do you like Chicago so far?

It's big.

Yeah?

I have never been in a city so big.

The closest I've ever been is Denver, Vegas, like combine those two, maybe and stretch it out over a huge span.

I've heard a lot about you.

Oh yeah.

Not bad things, right?

No.

I heard your art is amazing.

Yeah it's amazing.

He calls it amazing, I mean...

Oh an artist will never accept it.

Right?

No, seriously, I can see no flaws.

I...

It's not true, don't listen to him.

I'm happy that Lathan has finally found kind of his counterpart and I just hope that he's comfortable enough one day to let him in, on his life.

What would you wanna do?

I... I don't know, there's so many different things that I wanna do.

I wanna go to cosmetology school.

Really?

Yeah, I do.

He taught me how to do my makeup.

Really?

Because you, like you made it sound like you don't know how to do makeup, or...

I do but then I don't.

Like, I don't know how to do like, good stuff like you do.

Contouring, I don't do that kind of stuff, I just do like really simple, flat stuff.

Yeah.

Oh man.

I can't believe I'm here.

He is the most interesting person I have ever met.

There may be things about him that I don't know but there's such a strong connection between us.

Good morning. Day one, don't look so pretty but whatever.

Um, have a good one.

Good morning. Day two, post op.

I'm awake, I had breakfast, I slept good, I'm tired.

I could sleep more.

So here I am, a new girl.

I'm a new girl.

I'm very happy, very happy.

What's up?

Hi.

Hi.

How are ya?

Good.

Good, what you doing?

Chilling.

Chilling.

Have you talked to Carly?

I've been talking to her.

Is she so happy?

Oh god, yes.

I mean, I can tell from her constant updates every day.

And every single time she posts something, it's like a novel.

I know, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah, like here, like here.

Did she really say, "good morning vulva"?

Did you see that one?

What?

She said, "good morning boba"?

Vulva.

That's a vaginal part.

Oh my god.

Sorry.

Should we call her up?

Right now?

And tell her.

What is she doing?

Let's call her.

I don't know if she's prepared for that.

Well good afternoon.

Hi.

I'm with Sutton right now.

Hello Sutton.

Hello.

I heard her in the background.

Okay, this is the problem.

You go very all-out on your page.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

We're trying to say like, go shorter on the statuses, you know what I mean?

You're right, I should.

How are you, Carly?

Yesterday was a rough day.

Yeah? You've gotta rest.

Yeah.

Yeah, you really do have to rest more.

Yeah, I know.

I was noticing something also, by the way.

What's that?

Is that you looked a lot happier.

Oh I am.

Does it feel normal?

Does it... is it starting to get there?

No, not at all.

Not at all?

Oh alright then.

Alright.

Ow, my vag hurts.

Just thinking about it.

Alright.

Alright well I love you guys.

Alright, love you too.

Alright, we love you.

Love you too.

Alright.

Bye.

Bye.

Sewn shut.

Whew, whew.

Oh god.

Whew.

Oh.

[Music playing]

Tell me something about yourself that I don't know.

I kind of grew up in a sideshow.

So you performed?

Yeah we performed.

But it was my mom that was part of the sideshow, she danced with fire.

Cool.

Do you think there's anything that you did that would constitute you as kind of a freak?

I ate bugs.

And they're not as bad as you might think.

I don't think you really understand how... happy I am.

Well I do understand because I am happy.

I don't... it's just... I'm equally happy.

I know.

Hurry, run.

Run.

What do you think you would be if you were in the sideshow?

Maybe something with snakes?

You strike me as a magician maybe.

Magician, no.

No way, that takes years and years of practice.

Not really.

I don't have time for that.

It's...

What do you think?

That's really actually kind of wonderful.

Kind of? Gosh.

Very wonderful.

It's so wonderful being here with you.

I can't even, there's no word to describe it, really.

I trust you completely.

You mean a lot to me.

There's a lot about me that I...

I've hidden.

You know, physical differences.

Well I mean, look at me.

Physically different from what I want to be.

I was just born differently.

Yeah.

I mean, I only see myself as a male.

Like you want your voice to be different, you want your chest to be gone.

Everything.

I still wanna look like me.

I can look at myself in the mirror and see myself as male just fine.

I just want to be comfortable in my body.

Yeah, yeah, I know what that feels like.

I feel that I've journeyed through my life trying to find out who I am.

I'm sure you've experienced that.

It doesn't matter as much as it used to.

Hmm.

Because you've shown me such acceptance, I just don't really, I don't feel out of place... anymore.

Wow.

I can honestly say I trust you completely.

There's nothing about me that you would want to know?

Physicality means nothing.

It's the person inside.

Yeah I mean, I don't know what to say.

I'm really happy that you think that.

But if you ever want to know anything, just ask.

No, maybe I just like you being mysterious.

Okay.

So remember that time that Ben told us to go on the roof?

I'm freezing.

I am so thankful that Ben asked to take our engagement photos, but if he doesn't get here soon, I'm going to freeze to death.

Where is he?

Oh there they are.

"Oh there they are."

Kisses.

[Music playing]

Kiss me.

Kiss her.

My cheek.

To the balcony.

Great.

Put your head on his shoulder.

Wow look at that angle.

You like that... that view, honey?

Yeah.

I think I'm good.

Thank you, Benny Ben.

You're welcome, lovey love.

Bye, surgery center.

I've checked out, yay.

Woohoo, woohoo.

Bye.

[Music playing]

So your pengus didn't get cut off, he's just been retooled.

Uh-uh.

Now has made a "she" more appropriate for me.

Are you... kidding me?

Did he say penis?

No, it's called, isn't it called a pengus?

Pengus?

Pengus?

I've been a man now for 78 years, what... I've never heard pengus.

I need to know this word.

We need to hear this.

Pengus is another word for penis.

His penis was more than just a penis, it was a pengus.

Whoa.

More than.

Suzy, is that true?

Is that in the dictionary?

So who's saying...

Okay, how about this one?

He had his trachea shaved?

She had her trachea.

Sorry, she.

It's... it's my personal opinion, but I think it's a little bit insulting because I don't buy it.

It can be hard to hear any kind of negative things about Carly sometimes.

But Jenn and Ronnie and you know, the family, they have a history, there's a history that I'm not a part of.

Wait, wait, wait, you don't buy what that's insulting?

I don't buy what's happening.

You don't think she's honest?

Personally, I don't and it's hard to talk about it.

But that's my personal opinion.

I agree with you, Ronnie.

But do you really think...

She'd be willing to cut off her member in order for attention?

Good point.

That's a major decision.

Listen, I'm all for what makes you happy but in this case, I don't know.

You don't want her to be happy?

I don't, okay, I don't think this is gonna make her happy, I don't.

That's what I think.

We hope that this is what but you know what, hopefully, I hope so.

Will make her happy.

As a therapist that works with people in all levels of trans, you know, and if someone like her came to me, they'd be saying, "I've hidden this my whole life," and I would take them at their word.

That's what she said to me...

Yeah.

At the engagement party.

I'm willing to... to give her a chance, that if this does find happiness for her, fine.

As long as she's fair to Ben, that's all I care about.

Hey Suze, our heroine.

Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait.

What were you guys talking about up here?

How about them 49ers?

I've never seen so many people look so guilty at the same time.

Thank you for helping.

Oh, no problem.

Alright, people.

They like, went to town on Carly earlier, I don't know.

I don't like that.

But we... some, because people have histories... a lot of people are hurt, and that comes from a place of hurt.

How did my mom talk about it?

She was just quiet the whole time, she didn't say anything.

Here she is like, baring her heart on her profile and we're like, ha ha ha.

Yeah, I don't like that.

It's hard because knowing how happy Carly is after her SRS surgery, I just felt kind of bad witnessing my family poking fun at her.

But your grandpa Ron was really supportive.

Aw, really, was he, Grandpa Ron?

Yeah, he's great.

Thank god.

My grandpa Ron, I value his opinion... almost above anybody else.

[Music playing]

Happy Thanksgiving.

[All cheering]

Mommy, wonderful job cooking all of the food, thank you.

Thank you, Mama.

[All talking]

Everybody be quiet.

Ho, ho.

That's hard in this group.

I would just like to thank you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, and you and you.

Just because you have all helped me, you have all supported me and you have all made my life to what it is today and I love you all.

We love you, Ben.

I would especially like to thank...

Mom.

Oh boy.

I know.

Ben.

Here we go.

I love you very much.

That's amazing.

We've been through thick and (bleep) thin and I will support you until the day I die.

Same thing.

Whew. Okay, that's it.

Yay.

And...

It's been a long week for Carly and I just want everybody to keep... her in your guys' thoughts, just...

We will.

Absolutely.

Hear, hear.

Hear, hear.

To family.

To family.

Now put some gravy on that food and eat it.

Not just pretend.

You gotta give it to him.

I know, I mean it's... [Inaudible]

Because you're my daddy.

No it's okay.

Yes.

Okay, good.

I love you.

Oh, I love you.

What's going on over there?

Nothing, I just... I just asked, uh...

Oh dear.

Papa to walk me down the aisle.

[All together] Aww.

Ron, you are the cutest crier.

[Music]

Hello.

How are you?

I'm good, how are you?

What's happening?

Just shopping.

You're like a big girl, man.

Getting married.

You're like a grown up.

Thanks.

Speaking of being a grown up...

Yes?

I've been thinking about it.

Thinking about what?

Well there was this night me and Kevin and Ben went to Carly's house and she cooked us dinner and...

Right.

Carly read this letter and it was extremely moving and it kind of, uh... made me come to a conclusion about... her coming to the wedding, a little bit.

Okay.

It was a good letter and it was kind and it came from a really good place and I wanna... I wanna support that.

I don't know, you know, she's, you know, I mean, I'm glad you're all fuzzy warm about the whole situation, I don't trust it for a second.

She just, you know, she said a lot of really good things.

Okay.

It was a big deal and it was really moving and really powerful, so...

I think she should come.

Okay.

I think she should be there, she was a huge part of my life.

Yep.

Uh, you know, she's a huge part of Ben's life.

Yep.

Kevin thinks she should come.

I just, you know, I don't wanna rob her of seeing me get married, because she's known me for a really long time and...

You know?

I hope that's okay.

That's it, you're cut off.

What?

Never speaking to you again.

Never speaking to me again?

No.

Done with you.

Mother, no.

Away.

Of course it's okay.

Since I know you can handle it and I think it's the right thing to do, I think she should be there.

And I can't, I just... it would feel weird.

It's all good, baby.

Yeah?

Yeah, it's all good.

Good. Thank you.

Thank you for understanding.

Of course.

And being open to it.

That's my job, baby.

Thank you for understanding and...

It's gonna be an adventure.

[Music playing]

This Thanksgiving I've never been more thankful... for friends that make me laugh, an awesome sister that I look up to.

My family is pretty eclectic.

They're just funny, amazing, wacky people.

A mom that'll always be there, and my other parent that pushes me in ways that I never even thought were possible.

Yeah, it's been a long road to get to where I am today but I get to start living a lot closer to the truth that I wanted to live for a long time.

I may not say it enough...

Dress rehearsal, dress rehearsal.

But honestly, I'm one lucky guy.

Now all we have to do is survive a wedding.