02x03 - The Sandwich

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

Russ: Oh. How did we end up here again?

Sorry. I just have no time for errands during the week.

It's our one night out. We should do something fun.

We could try a different mall.

Perfect.

All right, let's play Who Would We Swing With?

Ugh.

Come on, it's fun.

I'm not swinging with anyone.

The Franks?

No way.

Why not?

Eric's breath smells like ass.

Okay. Um... the Klines?

I don't think so.

Why? Dean's cute.

He's got baby hands.

Russ: The Davidoffs?

Lina: Why don't you just e-mail me a list of the woman that you want to have sex with, and I'll reply with what's wrong with their husbands?

Oh, come on. You never think about any of the dads in the school?

Not really.

Look, if I'm gonna have sex with another man, it's not gonna be a regular guy.

What, so now I'm a regular guy?

Regular's not bad. Regular's just regular.

Married - S02E03 The Sandwich Geez. Mondays are overwhelming, right?

Totally. But it's Tuesday.

Hump day.

Nope.

(laughs)

Man: Excuse me. Lina?

Oh, hi.

A single dad. Too cute.

I-I can't.

Can't...?

Wha...?

Hi. Is everything okay with Lilly?

Yeah, everything's fine. I just, uh...

You have been such a big help, doing her braids and everything.

Well, she's a great kid.

Uh, I just wanted to give you something as a thank you.

Wow. Oh.

That's really nice.

(sniffing)

What scent is that?

Uh... red?

(both laughing)

I love it.

Thank you.

No. Thank you.

(school bell ringing)

Wow. None of the single dads ever buy me presents.

He's not just a single dad.

He's a single widower.

Aren't all widowers single?

Yes.

Tragically single.

They were great husbands, took care of their wives, but now they have to be strong for the children.

It's so hot.

I never thought about it that way before.

I have.

Clearly.

Too bad you're married.

Mm.

Hey, do you ever go on double dates?

Ooh.

Jess: Who do you share this office with?

No one. It's all mine.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow. Yeah, even got my own assistant.

Oh, my God. What's her deal?

Is she hotter than me?

(laughs)

And what, this is all design?

Yeah. I do concept development, you know, design solutions, product road maps.

Ooh. Those words make me sleepy.

(laughter)

I basically draw circles and I put 'em on T-shirts.

Jess: That is chill.

The hours are crazy, you know.

I never see the kids, and Lina and I rarely have a moment alone together.

What about date night?

Yeah, we're kind of in a little bit of a rut there.

Mm. You should come out with me on Saturday.

I'm hitting a really cool opening, and I will put you on the list.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, that could be cool.

Yeah?

Can I bring Lina? I mean, you can try, but there's no way Lina would ever go downtown.

No, I guess you're right. What about Shep?

Not exactly his speed.

Why did we marry the wrong people?

What?

You know what I mean.

Just, like, people that are not as fun as us.

Guess what.

Hmm. - I have a plan for date night.

What? No, I already made a plan for us.

What's your plan?

There's a pop-up shop downtown.

A pop-up what? Where?

A Japanese sneaker company is renting out this warehouse.

And there's some big guest DJ.

There's a rumor going around, it could be Malakai.

Who?

DJ Malakai? (scoffs)

You know who that is?

No, but Jess does.

So go with Jess.

(children giggling)

Okay, fine, what's your great plan?

Remember that dad I told you about from class?

Warren, the widower?

No clue.

Well, I'm fixing him up with a friend from school.

Double date.

Another fix-up?

I have a feeling about this one.

I do.

And maybe even... a mention in the wedding toast.

Do you know how crazy that sounds?

Crazy romantic.

A hot, lonely widower, a sad, single mom.

Will they ever find love?

I don't know. Tune in tonight.

I am not tuning in.

Well, I'm not canceling.

Enjoy your date.

Enjoy your date.

I will.

Me, too.

Maya: Ella wants to know where you guys are going.

Uh, Daddy's going to a shoe party in a dirty warehouse so he can be the oldest person in the room.

Mommy is gonna be the third wheel in a Lifetime movie.

Wait.

You're not going together?

Nope.

Nope.

Should I tell Ella you're in a fight?

We're not in a fight.

I thought you needed time together, just the two of you?

Quality time?

Yeah, we do.

We also need time apart from each other.

Quality apart time.

You guys are weird.

We're not weird, are we?

No. I mean, it's just one night.

Yeah.

Right?

It's not like we're going on separate vacations.

No. Or leasing separate apartments.

Not yet.

Wait. What?

I'm really excited to meet your husband.

Mm. Yeah.

Russ isn't coming.

Wait. What?

Sorry.

Russ isn't coming?

No, we're having separate dates tonight.

Oh, uh... you know what?

Three's a weird number.

No, it's not. No.

Yeah, it's a little weird.

Maybe I should just go and let the two of you get to...

Oh, no, no, no, no, you're not going anywhere.

I'm not?

No.

Let me ask you a question.

Just... do you like being lonely?

Um... no, I don't.

This guy is a catch, okay?

Okay.

Cute widowers do not stay on the market long.

Is that true?

Look it up.

Yeah, I just... I don't know.

I'm just really bad at dating.

Mm-hmm.

Like, very bad at it.

And, uh, like, I have trouble... words and... saying.

That's why I'm here.

I'm gonna help steer you in the right direction.

And my first piece of guidance is, steer clear of the dead wife.

What dead wife? (laughing)

Exactly.

More wine.

Yeah.

(dog barking)

Why aren't you dressed?

I don't think I can go.

Stepson duty.

Hey, Griffin.

Jess: His mom's out of the country, Shep's in Chicago, and Griffin is grounded, which means I am, too.

No, no, come on, you got to go, okay?

If you don't, I'm gonna be the old creepy guy in the corner.

Well, I wish I could help you out, but, like, the last time I left him here by himself, my panty drawer was mysteriously rearranged.

(loudly): Get a good whiff, pervert?

It's, like, so much attitude.

What about the DJ?

The... what's his name? Mordekai?

Oh, my God. Malakai.

Yes.

Him. I thought you really wanted to see him.

I do.

Oh, come on. There's got to be something we can do.

All right. Who's ready to party?

Let's do it.

Par-tay.

Yeah, so it was six months later, she started having really bad headaches, and, uh, we went back for some more tests, and that's when they told us that she had been misdiagnosed.

And by the time they found the tumors, it was too late.

Wow.

At least you were with her until the end, right?

Warren: Yeah, that's the thing.

I left her bedside for a minute, just to make a sandwich, and when I got back, she was gone.

What kind of sandwich was it?

I'm sorry?

Um, I think the important thing is that you were there for her.

Yeah, g-give or take the sandwich, it's...

AJ: Hey, Lina!

What?

Um, excuse me one second.

Just keep doing what you're doing.

Enjoy each other.

What are you doing here?

Russ mentioned that there's some guy you want to bang, so you're having your friend do it for you.

He said that?

I'm paraphrasing.

You need to go.

Don't be like that-- I need this as much as you do.

Need what?!

I am celibate, you're married.

We're both living vicariously through other people.

All right, fine.

You can stay, but don't blow this, okay?

These are two very unhappy people, and I want the credit for turning their lives around.

It's your show.

It's my show.

This is my friend, AJ.

Hey, man.

Hey.

Uh, good to meet you.

Hi.

This is Abby; she and I work together.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm divorced.

Oh.

He's a widower.

Abby.

Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

Don't... don't ask him about the sandwich.

What sandwich?

The sandwich that k*lled his wife.

What?

It's, like, a story.

Um, I didn't get all the details.

It was cancer.

Yikes.

What kind?

Brain.

I meant what kind of sandwich.

Uh...

Lina.

Um...

It's a valid question.

I, uh, think Warren would prefer it if we just changed the subject.

Yeah.

I get it.

Just nod... if it was pastrami.

Russ: I thought we were on, like, a list or whatever.

Jess: We are, it's just, a lot of people are on the list, I guess.

It's okay.

All right.

So, uh, Griffin, what grade are you in?

Tenth.

Cool.

So... are you guys, like, dating or something?

Uh, we're just friends.

Whatever.

No, uh, she went to school with my sister.

Oh, right, so that's when you banged her.

Hey.

Nope. Just friends.

Take it down a couple notches. Or just put those on.

I mean, it's, like, so much attitude.

This is what I'm dealing with. Oh, hey, that's Malakai.

(indistinct conversation)

I'm sure he won't remember me.

Wait, you know him?

Oh, yeah, we hung out, like, back in the day.

A while ago.

Oh, Jess.

What?

Wait a minute.

(laughing): No.

Is that why we're here?

To see if some hook-up from back in the day remembers you?

I like to think I make an impression.

(scoffs)

Malakai, is that you?

Yeah. Hey.

Yeah, it's you.

Hey, it's been a minute.

Yeah, how...?

Oh, from Coachella VIP tent, 2009.

Right.

Cool.

Yeah.

Cool seeing you again...

Jess.

Right.

I'm Jess.

Yeah.

See you.

Oh, go, go, go, go.

Nice reunion.

All right, fine.

Whatever. He didn't remember me.

What do I even care?

I'm married.

Love to be drinking, though.

Now you're talking.

Hey, uh...

Malakai wants you to be his guest inside, so you can use these to get in.

Okay, thank you. I'll be right there.

Ah, it does feel good.

To still have it.

See ya.

What are you doing?

Come on.

No. Please.

I have not been anywhere in so long.

I haven't had a night like this since Harrison was born.

Yeah, you also have a stepson, Griffin, here.

He already hates me-- what's the point?

Jess, no, no, no, you're supposed to be the adult here.

I am the adult right now.

And I'm gonna use this to get us all in.

Just don't make that face.

No.

Don't be mean.

Come on, Jess.

Just let me do this.

Hold on.

Holy sh*t.

Wow.

Abby: I'm terrible at this.

Lina: Okay, so let's go back in.

I don't think I can.

What? You have to.

No, he hates me.

Maybe you shouldn't have asked about the bedsores.

I just said what we were all thinking.

Mmm...

(door opens)

So, are we ditching this guy or what?

No, nobody is ditching anybody.

I don't know what to tell you.

The guy is a real dud.

I'm starting to see why his wife committed su1c1de.

Cancer.

Well, maybe she d*ed of boredom.

Abby.

Sorry.

I'm just having a really terrible time.

We all are.

This guy sucks.

Lina: Fine.

You want to abandon him in his time of need, go.

I will take care of him.

What does that mean?

I'll make sure he gets home okay.

Mmm.

You in the mood for a sandwich?

What kind of sandwich?

The only sandwich.

Russ: Jess, hey, it's Russ.

Again.

Just calling to remind you that you have a stepson, who is right here with me.

Still.

I thought she was supposed to get us in.

Yeah, I... I'm sure she just got caught up, you know?

They probably got a lot to talk about.

Yeah, they're really talking.

You know, that's not a cool way to talk about your stepmom.

Look, I already have a dad.

You're right.

Last week, my dad tells me it's cool that I can bring my drum set, set it up in the garage.

The next day, he's like, "Well, we think the drums should stay at your mom's."

(scoffs) Whatever.

Really miss your drums, huh?

I'm a drummer, man.

Where does your mother live?

Nice.

Yeah, not bad for a beginner.

I've played since I was seven.

Yeah, no, that's...

Yeah, that's what I was...

Yeah, it sounded good.

Warren: Sorry. Hope this is okay.

Should only take a minute.

Lina: Where are we?

Um, but... so what are we...?

What... Okay.

Well, wait up.

Warren: I-I know this is weird.

I just like to come by here every day and, you know...

Um...

...say hi.

Yeah.

What, you come every day?

I try.

Wow.

You sure you don't mind?

No, it's totally fine.

You know, a lot of women are actually attracted to the whole widower thing.

It's almost like they get off on it.

Really?

You know what I miss the most?

The boring sh*t.

The everyday nothing.

I love boring sh*t.

My husband's boring.

I mean, you know, he's regular.

He's...

He's great.

Are you sure you guys don't want to be alone?

(chuckling): No, it's okay.

She just told me she likes you.

She... seems cool.

Whoa.

So, probably shouldn't tell your dad about what happened at the party.

My dad's old. He's not stupid.

(strums guitar) Why do you think he married such a slut?

Hey.

Sorry.

So, uh, why do you think he married such a... free spirit?

Well...

Jess... uh, she can be a lot of fun.

Glad I'm not married to her.

Me, too.

I thought you were her buddy.

Yeah, but I don't know.

I feel like you never want to marry someone that's too fun.

Yeah, I'll try to remember that.

Oh, sh*t.

They're here.

Who is here?

Renters.

This place is rented?

House swap.

My mom's in Dusseldorf.

(with German accent): Not again.

We give you the warning last time.

And this time, we call the police.

Whoa, guys.

Hold on, all right?

Look, let's relax, okay?

Uh, before you call the cops...

German man: Get out of here!

And take your young lover somewhere else!

(shouts in German)

(AJ and Abby moan)

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mm-mmm.

Mm-hmm. (chuckles)

Right? What'd I tell you?

Oh, my God, it's so good.

Mmm.

Like, how do they do it?

The meat? What is it?

The meat.

(chuckles)

Well...

Mmm. this I want more of.

Better than sex.

Totally.

And just like it.

(both chuckle)

Ooh.

I'm celibate, by the way.

But we could do other sh*t.

I could watch you.

The Larsens.

What about 'em?

That's who I would swing with.

Oh.

Okay.

What's so great about Nick Larsen?

He's the most like you.

That's sweet.