01x02 - Bird Bones

[bunniefuu]

Hey, here's a question I have.

Do I need a separate carbon monoxide detector, or should I just get one of these combo jobbers?

Who cares? I'm so bored. I wanna k*ll myself.

Well, if we buy the wrong thing, you won't have to k*ll yourself...

Oh my God.

What?

It's "bird bones".

I haven't seen Tina out and about in months.

God, she's even more tinier and more birdlike than I remember.

I can't believe Mark married her!

Look at her hair. Not a strand out of place.

She still have that thing where she breaks her bones all the time?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, but she's keepin' it tight.

Yeah.

Body be bangin'.

They be bangin'.

Shh.

Rub your thumb on the knob and tell me what it feels like.

I don't like it.

It feels too big in my small hands.

Hey, you know what? We're gonna keep on looking until we find a knob that makes you feel good.

All right?

Okay. Thanks, honey.

Come here. Hey.

My God, look how solicitous he is.

He was never like that when we were dating!

"Rub my knob." No, thank you.

Oh! Inappropriate.

And why is he shopping for knobs with her anyway?

My UPS guy, Rob Rockemoor, he told me that they've renovated the inside of their house like three times.

On his cop salary?

I know.

'Cause you know she's not workin'... am I right?

Am I right or am I right? [Loud beep]

Oh!

Oh, my... shh!

[Beeping]- Stop it I don't know...

Emma?

Oh, my God!

Maggie?

Look who it is!

It's Mark and Tina! Yeah!

Good friends!

Yes... hello!

Meet you up there?

Hi, Maggie.

Hey!

Hi!

Hi, Emma. It's nice to see you.

Mark said that you're back in town.

Yep, back home, you know, just helping fatty here plop out a baby.

That's me.

Oh, but g... look at you!

You look like you just walked out of a Hollywood salon.

Just gorgeous!

Not the two of us... We look like a couple of sister wives. Just, you know, is it his turn or my turn or...

We're all taking a turn, so...

Anyhoos...

Maybe we should go.

Yeah, but you know what? We should all hang out some time. Oh, I don't-I don't think we necessarily have to do that.

No, we definitely should. In fact, I am not leaving until we make firm plans.

Well, how about tomorrow?

Um... tomorrow?

That's... wow, Maggie.

What do you have on the docket?

Um, you know what, that is a nice invitation...

Yeah.

But...

Well, then we can do brunch.

You know what? As much as I would love to have you in my home where I live, I have to work tomorrow.

Oh!

Oh...

So it's not good for me.

Well, great, then it's just us girls.

Great!

Great!

I can't. Let's just get back in the car.

We'll just tell her I have capital "D".

No one questions that.

What? No.

We are not faking diarrhea, okay?

We committed to this brunch.

Yeah, but why would bird bones want to have brunch with her husband's ex-girlfriend?

That's weird!

It was your idea.

No, it wasn't.

You said, and I quote, "I'm not leaving here until we make firm plans."

Well, I must have had a petite mal seizure, 'cause I don't remember that at all.

What are we even gonna talk to her about?

I don't know, but I gotta get my eyes on the inside of this house, 'cause Rod says it's stunning.

You need to stop hanging out with the UPS guy.

Rod is an amazing man, and also, he knows how to rock a brown short.

Look at this place. Nobody is this perfect.

Must be something wrong with her.

I tell you what, if it gets too weird, we're just gonna toss her a big old bag of bird seed, watch her work the shell off.

Ah-cah-cah.

[Screeching]

That's a good one, Mag.

Oh, my God!

Were you just waiting here for us?

Absolutely, I was.

Are we under arrest?

This is serious... my wife is a very fragile woman, okay?

She got so worked up last night getting everything ready, she could barely sleep.

Why didn't you just throw a blanket over her cage?

Hey! Hey!

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

What?

You two can be mean.

Hey, nuh-uh!

What? We're not mean.

No, we're not.

You're mean.

You're nice when you're on your own, but when you two get together, it's just like high school.

All hell breaks loose. I'm talking about gossipy girl hell where everybody's talking about...

[Yammering]

Okay...

Please, can you please talk...

I hope that's not supposed to be an impression of us.

Unfortunately, I cannot be here to look out for Tina, because I have to go to work.

So please... be on your best behavior.

What do you think we're gonna do... att*ck her?

It's a ladies' brunch.

Just be nice. Be nice.

Oh, my God!

Tina, are you gonna eat any of this delicious food you've prepared?

No.

Okay.

Uh, Tina, that is a gorgeous dress.

Oh! Thank you.

Where'd you get it?

My birthday.

[Clears throat]

This is so much fun!

Oh!

So much fun!

It really is.

We are just...

[Giggles]

This is one for the history books, for sure.

[Chuckles]

This house is spectacular, Tina.

Do you do all the decorating yourself?

I do! [Laughs]

Would you guys like a tour?

Yes, we would love a tour.

Please. Yes.

There is nothing I'd like more.

Yes, please.

Follow me.

Okay.

Well, um... the kitchen is Lux-modern meets neo-traditional with just a hint of the whimsy of Giada at Home.

The counter top...

We're just... oh, sorry to interrupt, but it's so clean and pristine in here.

Where... where do you keep, like, your junk and stuff?

I don't understand.

You know, like your old batteries or Bed Bath & Beyond coupons or those keys that you're like, "what is this for?"

Oh! My junk.

Yeah.

Okay, now, do not judge me, please.

Oh, no, we won't.

Oh, embarrassing.

See, Emma, there it is.

Yeah.

Let's put that away. [Giggles]

Ooh, wow.

Now, if you will follow me into the dining area, I'll tell you the riveting origin story of my antique drexel heritage China hutch.

Both: Ooh.

Okay, so seven of your garden gnomes have been stolen.

Is that correct? Yes.

And do they all look like this one?

[Tersely] No, sir.

Each gnome is uniquely outfitted according to his or her specific personality or occupation.

What does this one do?

Feldspar is a veterinarian.

That's why he has a cat in a wheelbarrow.

And what is it that makes you think that Joffrey here is the one that stole the other gnomes?

He emailed me these lewd photographs.

Are these gnomes wearing eyes wide shut masks?

Oh.

Holy mother of God.

Okay.

Oh, gosh.

Well, that's just a hug.

That's just a sweet hug.

Oh, no, it's not.

[Chuckles]

It's not funny!

Gnomes don't have orgies. They mate for life, and they don't have sex for pleasure.

I think that this case is pretty open and shut.

Joffrey, apologize to Mr. Casey, and give him back his gnomes.

I didn't do it.

You emailed him the pictures from your own email address, and if you don't confess, I have to open a formal investigation, so please tell him where the gnomes are so we can all go home.

I didn't do it.

Yes, you did, you little rat!

And I will not rest until Hocus, Pocus, Klondike, Gunther, Shasta, Excelsior, and Charles are returned to my care without harm!

[Sighs]

Can you repeat those names for the record?

Hocus. A silly man. Smokes a pipe.

Yeah.

Pocus.

Okay, so that's one gnome?

No, it's two gnomes. They're estranged brothers.

And we call that our Daisy Great Gatsby room.

And as we enter the master bedroom, you'll notice that I've drawn inspiration from the far east.

It's a veritable pu-pu platter of influences from many Asian cultures.

I know Mark loves his Sloppy Joes, but there is no way you're letting him eat those in this gorgeous bed, am I right?

Oh, no, he eats in bed all the time.

What?

See, I just encase the "Joe" in a perfect little ball of bread so there's nothing sloppy about it.

It's called a Tidy Joe.

Wow, Tina. You are really doing it.

Thank you. I try.

I try to really do it.

All right, you've gotta be kidding me.

Oh, look at this!

My God! It's gorgeous.

Is this a double soaker tub?

There is a chandelier over the tub?

Honestly, I would m*rder like 1,000 hobos just to live in this bathroom.

Well, that is the end of our tour.

If you don't mind, I'm just gonna use the bathroom.

Oh, I'll use it, too.

You can use the guest bathroom.

Oh, it's fine. I'll use this one.

We pee in front of each other all the time.

Yeah, I've seen this more than I care to recall.

[Laughter] She loves it.

No, I don't, actually.

Girlfriends. [Laughter]

Okay, well, I'll just go make us some French press coffee.

Okay, great.

Are Fairtrade beans okay?

We prefer them.

I love Fairtrade.

Great.

Yeah.

Yeah, the fairer the better.

Okay.

Oh, my God. [Sighs]

Can we just take a minute to process what is happening?

When she looks at you with those dead eyes, I literally... I go... I go hollow inside.

But this house be bangin'.

House be bangin'.

I mean, look at this shower.

Are you kidding me?

There's a bench in here.

Yeah, you know why?

'Cause you know Mark likes to come in here while she's taking her little bird baths and they can do it, you know what I mean?

Oh, yeah.

You know what I mean?

Wash under your wings, girl.

Tweet, tweet.

Hey, get under your tail where the oil duct is, ooh, yeah.

Oh, is this what you mean, papi?

Is this what you mean, papi?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Hey, peck at it.

Peck at it, girl. Peck at it!

Peck, peck, peck, peck.

Use your beak.

Yeah! [Shrieks]

[Both screaming] Oh, no!

Turn it off! Turn it off!

[Screaming] How do you turn it off?

Turn it off!

Oh, my God, what happened?

We got in your shower.

It was just so beautiful.

We wanted to be inside of it.

So we are very sorry.

And we will go.

Good day to you.

No, please stay.

What?

You want us to stay?

It's just... so nice, having the two of you here.

I don't really talk about it much, but I don't have a lot of girlfriends.

What?

Really?

Is that... Is that true?

I had a really bad experience in high school where a couple of girls... I don't know who they are...

But they started calling me "bird bones."

And it made it really hard for me to trust other women.

Well, I will tell you what, that never got back to me.

What a... what a horrible, horrible name.

What was it again? Bird... bird Bo... bones?

That's a little much.

Oh! I almost forgot!

I made hors d'oeuvres.

Would you guys stay for a nibble?

Yes.

Yes, are you kidding me?

Look at this belly. This baby is always hungry.

[Laughter] Okay.

Pardon me. Mm-hmm, okay, okay.

I cannot believe how nice she is and how terrible we are.

Mark was right, we are horrible, horrible people.

And "bird bones"? What kind of nickname is that?

It's so stupid! She's not like a bird at all!

No. [Glass shattering]

[Squawking scream]

Tina?

My eggs! My beautiful eggs!

[Whimpering]

Are you sure we can't call you a doctor?

No, this kind of thing happens all the time.

That's why I have the splints.

What, you just have a supply of splints for every body part?

Yeah, I store them in vintage apothecary jars.

Well, that's cute.

I'm so sorry.

I'm really embarrassed. You should go.

No, Tina, please, this is all our fault.

Yeah, if we hadn't tracked water all through the house, you wouldn't have slipped.

It's not your fault!

It's these bones. They ruin everything.

Tina, hey, nothing's ruined, okay?

We're just getting started.

That's right.

Now what if I were to have Mags here whip up a batch of her famous Bloody Marys?

I mean, I'ma make a virgin one, 'cause I got a baby growing in my ut'.

I don't know... I haven't had a drink since my wedding.

Tina, it is not a real brunch unless you pour some vodka into juice.

Okay. Let's do it!

All right.

Whoo!

Point me to your paprika.

Oh, it's in my spices of the world carousel.

[Quietly] Of course it is.

Joffrey, you're k*lling me.

We've wasted half a day talking about these gnomes.

My therapist says I'm lashing out because of my parents' divorce.

Wow. You must be the only person in America with divorced parents.

Oh, wait, never mind, that's 50% of American teens!

[Groans]

You know what your real problem is?

You're a bozo.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you don't take responsibility for your actions.

My dad left when I was a kid.

I did all kinds of stupid things.

Stupider than you.

But I got my act together, because you can't let a bad thing somebody else does define your whole life.

Do you wanna be a full-blown bozo?

Then take me to the g*dd*mn gnomes.

[Laughter]

Was that Mr. Shapiro?

Yes.

That was literally...

Oh, man.

Would propose to you almost every day.

I was so jealous of you that a teacher loved you.

I just thought it was the coolest thing.

What?

Oh, my... Tina, what?

I do not remember the last time that I have laughed this hard.

Why have we not done this before?

The three of us, we could have destroyed.

No, I was too busy rolling cigarettes in the bathroom.

Wh... Tina!

What... you...

You smoked?

I didn't.

I ran a very lucrative cigarette empire out of the ladies' locker room.

[Laughs]

Oh, my God!

I was really good at it.

Of course you were.

You're good at everything.

All right, who wants some more?

Oh, please. Bird bones, can I top you off?

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I don't know why I said that...

No, it's fine.

Honestly, it's fine.

Tina.

Look at me. I am bird bones.

I mean, I have apothecary jars filled with splints.

Because my body breaks all the time.

[Laughter]

[Funny voice] I'm bird bones.

[Laughter]

Eek, I'm... I'm bird bones. Bird bones.

Now, honestly, whoever came up with that nickname is genius.

I will tell you who that genius is.

Oh, no, yeah, don't do that.

Shut up.

Who? Who?

It's me.

Nobody.

I came up with the name!

I'm the genius.

What?

[Laughs]

'Cause I was like "bird bones!"

This one was all "bird bones"...

What?

- What?

Oh.

Tina... [Indignant screeching]

What? [Gasping]

What's happening?

[Splutters]

- What?

Oh, my God.

Tina.

Tina! Oh, my God.

What do I do?

What are you doing?

What?

We were both having a laugh!

Okay, Joffrey, we are here. Where are the gnomes?

[Sighs]

No... Joffrey, why?

My gnomes! [Phone rings]

I'm sorry, I've got to take this.

We'll figure this out in two seconds.

Wh...

Not a good time, Emma.

Mark, you were right. You were right to be worried.

Tina, come on, open the door.

Don't you mean "bird bones"?

Why is there yelling? What... what is going on?

Over the course of one brunch, we have managed to hurt your wife both physically and emotionally.

But I'm gonna fix it. [Grunts]

Emma, put Tina on the phone.

I wish that I could, but it's not really possible right now.

Could you do something please?

What does it look like I'm doing?

Um, could you tell me if you might have a spare key to your bedroom that I could use?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I can't wait any longer!

Mr. Casey, don't!

[Dramatic music]

Mr. Casey! I will save you!

Joffrey, hold up!

[Screams]

Oh, my God!

What the hell?

Pregnancy strength.

[Clicks tongue]

Emma, where is Tina?

You know what, everything's great.

Thanks so much, bye-bye.

Leave me. Save the gnomes.

I won't leave you.

Okay?

My gnomes!

[Wheezing] Gnomes. Gnomes, save the gnomes.

Hocus-pocus doesn't like Gunther.

Keep them separate.

I've got his face faced the other way so he doesn't have to look at 'em.

They're gonna hate that.

Okay, on the driving range, stop the balls!

Oh, my God.

What happened in here?

[Muffled crying]

Tina?

Tina...

Whoa.

[Sniffling]

This was not on the tour.

[Choked sobs]

Are you happy now, huh?

Here's my junk.

Is that what you wanted?

Here's everything that's wrong with me, all in one closet!

Tina, what is all this stuff?

It's from QVC!

I have everything that QVC sells from 1996 to the present day.

I have 25 panini presses.

I don't even like hot sandwiches.

Tina, why?

I don't know.

I was just so lonely in high school.

Then I started calling in, and the operators were so friendly.

They were so nice.

One of them is named Yolanda.

Yolanda's my best friend.

No, that's not true.

Don't say that.

You don't care.

You think that I didn't notice all your pointed questions?

I'm not stupid.

You wanted to know how Mark could be with a freak like me.

Okay, Tina, you're right.

I came here hoping to find something wrong with you.

Because... [Sighs]

I'm jealous of you.

What? No, you're not.

It's true, we are. She is. I am.

Yeah, you're married to my high school boyfriend.

You have this beautiful life and this dream house.

And also, p.s., your body be bangin'.

Really?

You think my body be bangin'?

Yes!

'Cause it does!

It does be bangin'.

And the only thing we could think that was wrong with you was your weak bones.

Yeah.

And that's not even your fault.

No, that's genetics.

Yeah, or lack of dairy. Do you drink milk?

So, Tina, this closet, finding out there's something not-so-perfect about you, honestly? That's giving me back my will to live.

Don't worry. I am not perfect.

I'm not perfect at all.

Hey, maybe we should s-slow down on those, 'cause you can't get anymore till Easter.

Well, they come out again at Halloween.

Cadbury creme eggs?

Cadbury screme eggs.

Mm.

Yeah, she knows.

I don't wanna do it anymore.

I just... I can't stop buying things.

Hey, I don't mean to brag, but between the two of us, we have seen a ton of HGTV.

Oh, yeah.

And, like, more Oprah Hoarding specials than you can shake a stick at.

Yeah, you know her organizing guy, Peter Walsh?

Mm, the Australian.

We're obsessed with him.

If you wanted, we could clean this closet up in no time.

Really?

Both: Yeah.

And maybe next time you wanna buy something, you call us up instead.

Okay.

Maggie?

Yeah?

[Australian accent] Go get the garbage bags.

[Australian accent] Oh. Start thinking about what you want to give away.

That boy saved my life.

All right.

And the lives of my gnomes.

Well, actually, I saved the gnomes.

History will decide.

It already has.

So, uh, Joffrey, buddy, thanks. You did a good job.

Yeah, I know.

Mr. Casey, can we consider this case closed?

There are currently two women in my home who may be murdering my wife, so I need to go.

There is just one more thing.

In gratitude for your bravery...

Mm-hmm.

And your commitment to justice, I would like to give you both a gnome.

You really don't need to do that.

I insist.

Okay, then.

I will take this one with the weird pipe.

[Laughs]

What about you, Joffrey?

Which one do you... No, Joff... what?

See ya!

You're stealing a golf cart?

You're being a full-blown bozo!

[Screaming]

No, no... don't...

Excelsior!

No! I'm sorry.

I'm...

His little head!

Why?

All right.

Tina, are you comfortable?

Uh...

How are you feeling?

You're gonna be there a while. Do you need a water?

Okay, let's just do it. Let's just do it.

Tina, do you feel like a champion?

[Sighs] I'm a champion.

Okay, she's a champion. All right.

Now, here are the rules.

We are gonna sort everything you've got into three piles.

Toss, keep, and give away.

And all that's left to do is choose what to start with.

So why don't we start with these omelette makers?

Oh, okay, you've got about 20 microwave omelette makers.

How many do you want to get rid of?

1.

1?

Keep 19.

No, no, no.

Tina, you know how this works.

Keep 19.

Stop saying that. You know how this works.

We are only keeping 1.

Do you wanna give the rest away?

No, toss 'em. If I can't have them, I don't want anyone else to have them.

Tina!

That's rude.

[Chuckles] Tina... I gotta tell you, I'm liking you more and more with all these rude things coming out of your mouth.

Oh, wow, look at all these Teddy bears.

Oh, see, this is entirely too many Teddy bears...

No. Not my gunds.

I gotta have my gunds!

Oh, Tina... no! [All screaming]

Tina!

Oh, no!

Oh, I'm hurt, ow!

[Groans] Oh, come on.

It's just a bunch of stuffed animals.

One of their hard plastic noses hit a tiny bone in my wrist.

Ugh, all right, I'm gonna go get the splints.

From the big jar. Ow.

You wanna nibble on this, sister?

Ow! Hey, now.

Sorry.

Felt good.

Yeah.

Like a clean slate.

All right.

Hey, how is she?

She's great.

We got her propped up in the bed.

She's watching HGTV.

Oh, yeah.

Can I just ask, what happened here today?

Nothing.

Just a typical ladies brunch.

Well, I don't know what you did, but you two convinced Tina to show you her secret Hoarder's closet.

I mean, no one's ever seen that.

Oh, it was no biggie.

We just were helping her clean it out.

Yeah.

Really?

And she was just perfectly okay with that?

Both: Uh-huh.

And right now, you're not gonna make any comments about she tried to peck your eyes out or anything?

No, you know what, Tina's pretty great.

Mm-hmm.

I totally get why you're together.

Why are you two being so nice to me right now?

[Chuckles]

I feel very uncomfortable.

Please make a snide comment about my life.

I won't. I won't do it.

Mags, our work here is done.

Okay, uh, wait, guys.

Take care, buddy.

Guys? Why are you wearing our bathrobes?

Bye now.

It's a nice weave is what it is, yeah.

It is a good weave.

Give me back our robes!

Both: Bye!

[Laughter]

I feel like the Mary Poppins of trash.