01x05 - Drumline

[bunniefuu]

Okay, show me what we're working with here.

I don't want to come out.

Come on, just get out here and show me.

Nope.

Can you come out, please?

I don't want to.

I would love to see it.

Okay, but I'm gonna march in so that you can tell me if I look ridiculous.

Okay.

Mark, time, mark!

Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo! [Imitating marching band music]

[Laughing]

Okay, I'm not going.

No, Mag!

That's ridiculous.

That wasn't about that.

It was the crab walking that shocked me.

This is your marching band's 15-year reunion.

You're gonna go, and you're gonna knock 'em dead.

No, I look insane.

No.

I'm Fat City, U.S.A. I'm getting a divorce.

This isn't how I wanted people to remember me.

You are not fat.

You are a gorgeous, glowing pregnant woman, who just kicked her cheating husband to the curb, okay?

'Cause sisters, by the way... have you heard?

Are doing it for themselves.

Why don't we do this? We cinch it in the back and get these girls out there, 'cause they're looking better than ever.

I don't know.

Come on, don't hide your boobs under a bushel!

My whole drumline is gonna be there.

Tiko Rodriguez, Ian Berkitt, C.J. Wolfe.

Wait, which one was C.J.? Was he the one with the rosacea?

Oh, no, that was Cheryl Masters.

Oh, poor girl. I hope she got that figured out.

No, C.J. Was the one with the raven-black locks, the rush T-shirt... the trench coat?

Yes! Triple ratamacue? [Imitates fast drumming]

He was the pool party.

Yes.

The almost kiss.

Except I messed it up at the last minute, 'cause I had never kissed anybody I actually liked.

Okay, listen to me.

You are absolutely going to this, because guess what.

You only have a few more times to blow it out before this baby comes and ruins your life.

Hey!

In a good way. You know what I mean.

We are gonna play pure energy.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

♪ Uh uh-uh ♪
♪ Uh-uh-uh-uh ♪

Pure energy. You know what? I used to...

I used to dry-hump to this under the bleachers with Damon Rocky!

Was he the one with the slow fade?

Yes. Slow fade, but a hard grind, girl.

Okay, all right.

But a real hard grind!

How you feeling? Feel good? Feel like a champion?

I don't know. I'm nervous.

I just hope I still have the chops.

What? Of course you still have the chops.

Listen, you just go out there, and you do...

You know... do your thing.

Okay.

All right? And let's see some smiles, all right?

Keep those eyes alive.

I'm really far away.

All right, let's put these out there.

That'd be nice.

Sure. [Sighs]

All right, I'm proud of you.

Hello, old friend.

[Percussive rhythm]

[Percussive rhythm]

[Chuckles] Well, well, well...

Maggie Harper.

C.J.

You haven't changed a bit.

Oh, um...

[Percussive rhythm]

[Percussive rhythm]

[Both playing percussive rhythm]

Here we go now!

[Striking bass drum]

[Both yell and laugh]

You still got the goods!

You ready to get out there on that field today?

Oh, I, uh, have to stay in the pit.

Um, I can't march with the harness, cause of my pregnant belly.

What? No, that won't work.

Oh. [Chuckles nervously]

[Harness clicking]

Okay.

How's that?

Yeah.

Nobody puts baby in a corner.

I carried a watermelon!

What?

Oh, that's what she says in the movie.

What movie?

Dirty Dancing.

Oh. Never seen it.

[Indistinct chatter, low music]

Mags!

Hey!

You were amazing!

Thank you.

When you guys were like crab walking and crab walking, and then the little drummies came forward...

Yeah, the snares.

I don't know the terminology, but you nailed it.

Thank you. I'm just one piece of a beautiful puzzle.

Okay, now which one's C.J.?

Um, oh, right there by the bar.

Right on his bald head. I was like...

[Percussive rhythm]

Huh. Okay. How good does it feel to see that someone you were hung up on for so long now looks like an extra from Game of Thrones?

I know. He looks amazing, right?

What are you talking about?

Like dirty, like he's lived a life.

This guy's still doing it for you?

Yeah, I don't know what it is.

Maybe it's like unrequited teenage lust or something?

But when he came up behind me in the band room...

Wait. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I was like, I need to hold on to something.

He came up behind you?

Yeah, he adjusted my harness.

He adjusted... all right, well, that's some Jane Austen stuff...

I hear you on that front.

And that was after we had a whole conversation, just in snare drum.

You lost me there.

But he's got quite a ragtag bunch, doesn't he?

Oh, I think that man just toasted me with his cocktail wiener.

Will you come meet C.J.?

Okay.

Yes!

So I said to the guy, "I don't care if you have to move all the sousaphones.

I came here to drum."

[Laughs] Good one.

Hey, Maggie! Oh, my God.

You crushed it out there today. Those flam taps were inspired.

It was so crazy... I could feel the baby kicking along to the b*at.

Oh, I bet she was, 'cause you were the loudest one out there!

Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh. No.

When drumming is as clean as what Maggie did on that field, it is not loud.

It is the sound of sweet perfection, like a human heartbeat.

Oh, well, I'm the one who convinced her to come to this, so you're preaching to the choir.

[Laughs] You remember me, I'm Emma.

Oh, my God, hey!

Hey!

Get in here, girl. Ah, look at you.

Your rosacea has almost completely cleared up!

Oh, wait. No, that... that wasn't me.

That was Cheryl Masters.

That's you, right?

No, I'm Emma.

You remember. I was, um, runner-up to homecoming queen?

Uh, no. I don't support any monarchies, so, eh...

[Thud] Sorry, string bean.

Hey! This isn't a string bean, okay?

This is a beautiful, pregnant woman with a life inside of her!

Sorry, Maggie.

That's a little much.

I don't think he did it on purpose.

[Groans, spits] What?

These shrimp haven't been deveined.

I just ate shrimp poop. Ew. Ew.

You know what? That's it. Guys, we're out of here.

What do you think? You guys want to come?

Oh, hell, yeah.

Oh, you know what?

Can you just give us one second?

Yeah, sure.

What is it?

Hey, I feel like we should maybe call it a night.

I mean, you expended all that energy with all those crab walks.

You're the one that told me that I had to live it up before the baby comes.

Yeah. No, I know.

But, um, I meant more like steal a bunch of mini cupcakes and then go home and watch Gilmore Girls.

All right, all right. What do you guys think?

You ready to do this?

You know what, Ceej?

I got to get this one to bed.

Uh, so we're gonna make a firm pass on that one, but thank you for the offer.

Okay, is that where we're at?

You're just gonna let Nanny McPhee here speak for you?

I'm sorry. What did you just call me?

Nanny McPhee... it's, like, a movie with, uh, Emma Watson in it.

It's Emma Thompson.

I don't think so.

Yeah, well, I don't look anything like her.

Got a big wart on her nose, just like you.

No, I don't have a wart on my nose, so...

I don't know. I've never really seen it.

You know what? I would love to go.

Awesome sauce.

We will pick you up in the back.

Okay.

Drumline!

Ten hut!

All: Rest in one!

What's happening?

[Laughs]

[Tapping drumsticks rhythmically]

[Drumming on roof of van]

Ho, ho! Well, look who decided to show up.

All right, this is a terrible idea.

We're not getting into this van.

Well, I can't just go to sleep after a performance like that.

Are you kidding?

Oh, but, hey, if you're too tired, if you need to t*nk out, go for it.

Oh, no. [Scoffs] Please!

No, no, my t*nk is... my t*nk's full.

Okay, good.

Okay.

[Howls]

Mi lady.

[Whispers] Oh, Jesus Christ.

Van s'more?

Come again?

We're making van s'mores.

You put all the ingredients together, and then you just sit on it.

Rodney runs hot, so we got a couple cooking under him.

You know what? I'm gonna go ahead and say no to that, but I should introduce myself.

Um, I'm Emma.

I know who you are.

My locker was next to yours sophomore year.

Oh, yeah, remember how that whole hallway stunk because this guy was, like, shoving his locker full of old hoagies?

I was saving them for an art project.

[Softly] If you'll excuse me for just one second.

You know, the whole thing is like a journey, you know?

I'm reading this book by that robot Stephen Hawking, and he says that every time we make a decision, it creates an alternate reality, another universe.

Like an infinite amount of things are possible.

Exactly. Buh-boo! [Both laugh]

Hey, sorry to interrupt, but where are we going?

Are you asking me or the night?

Well, you're driving.

Am I?

You are.

Well, then who's driving the night?

I just want to know what the plans are.

Oh, see, I don't believe in the future.

I'm a lot more about the present and the now.

Yeah, exactly. Pew, pew, pew!

She gets it! [Laugh]

I really like her.

Yeah?

Yeah. She asks great questions.

[Sighs and clears throat]

What is this?

Oh, my God! Is that me?

Oh.

Wait. I-I'm sorry.

Did you just draw these, or did you already have them drawn?

Yes.

Remember that pool party we had after we won state that year?

Of course I do.

Yeah. [Chuckles]

That was a real "maje" moment in my life.

Except I completely messed it up.

That's a moment in time I'd like to revisit.

Take a left at the next light.

Why are we at the Jewish community center?

We're breaking in.

What?

This is where pool is, the scene of the almost kiss.

Okay, I think we're a little old to be doing this, and you're a little fat, if you know what I mean. [Scoffs]

[Gate rattling]

Damn it! It's locked.

Ugh. Oh, well, back to the van.

Emma will go over and let us in.

What?

Oh, you're full of surprises.

[Sighs] Fine. I'll go over the fence.

Nanny McPhee! Saving the night!

All right, can someone just help me, uh...

You know, lift me up here?

Um, you can ride on my shoulders chicken-style.

That won't be necessary, Rodney.

Why don't you create, like, a basket with your hands...

I broke three of my fingers on a rubik's cube.

Can you just work with me here, please? Thank you.

One, two, three.

[Grunts] And don't worry.

I'm a gentleman, so I'm looking down.

Relax. I'm wearing jeans.

It's exactly like it was 15 years ago.

Yeah, except for one thing... You're full of surprises.

[Both laugh]

Skinny-dip! [Water splashes]

[Laughs]

All right, let's do this!

All right.

Um...

Oh, hey. Wear this.

This is your Rush Fly By Night shirt.

Yeah, but in an alternate universe, I keep it.

Jackknife! [Shrieks]

Ooh!

M-m-mags...

Get in!

Hey, Mags, don't. I don't...

Ugh. All right, I guess we're skinny-dipping.

Take your clothes off, Rodney. I'm not doing this alone.

Or we could break all the rules, even the rules of skinny-dipping.

[Exhales deeply] What? Rod- so do you still do art?

Yeah. I just got back from Europe.

I was studying with this guy who's basically the Vermeer of street art.

Were you in Amsterdam?

Yeah.

They have the most beautiful art installations there.

It felt really good to put that drum back on, right?

Just kind of forget about all that stuff?

Oh, it's the best. That's why I never stopped drumming.

And is that you do for work?

No, I was teaching public-school music for a while, but that didn't work out.

So I started tutoring kids at a private school, and guess what.

That didn't work out either.

What didn't work out?

Well, you know, the modern school day just doesn't sync up with the natural body rhythms, you know, but... pffft.

They didn't want to hear that from me, so...

[Blows raspberry]

I guess I still don't understand what didn't work out.

Ugh. You sound like my mom.

There was, um, one mural right outside my hotel.

Always made me cry.

It was of a, um... a little girl standing in front of a windmill.

Holding a balloon?

Yeah. It was so hopeful.

Wait. Was that one of yours?

Rodney? Are you drowning?

Oh, my...

[Coughs]

I got ya.

[Coughs]

I got ya.

I hope this isn't weird...

But this is the best night of my life.

It's definitely weird.

Okay.

And I'm like, "Phillip, I don't understand why you need the rent every month," you know?

He's like some sort of rent n*zi.

I mean, yeah, he's my father, but, like...

Come here.

Ooh, you're full...

Of surprises, yeah. Just shut up and kiss me.

Ah. [Siren wailing]

The cops! Oh, my God.

Scatter! Everybody scatter!

C.J., come on!

Seriously?

Sorry! It's every man for himself!

Damn it!

I told you this was a stupid idea.

Will you stop trying to control my life? Honestly...

That's not a nice way to talk to your best friend, okay?

I have been nothing but a good sport.

Have you?

Yes, this little adventure...

Wonderful. I really appreciate you helping out.

[Gasps]

Why don't you get off my back and let me live?

Who's not letting you live?

Oh!

Please don't be Mark.

Please don't be Mark. Please don't be Mark!

Emma... Crawford.

Yeah.

Been a lot busier since you came back to town.

Has it? Well, you know what?

There's been some misunderstanding.

I actually am a member of this pool.

I don't know if you know... this is a Jewish community center.

Okay, and "mazels" to both of you.

Just get out of the pool.

Yeah, you know what?

I would love to, but I can't right now, because I am in a severe state of undress.

I can see that.

I need you to get out of this pool, otherwise I'm going to have to call Rabbi Dan.

Okay, what if we did this?

What if I were to meet you guys at your cop car, and you guys wait there and then I will come to you?

Just get out of the pool, Daryl Hannah.

Everybody's seen it.

I have actually seen it.

Yeah, I know, but it's been a long time since high school.

Things have changed, you know.

Some parts are softer. Some are longer.

What parts are longer?

Everything.

I don't think you understand how serious this is.

This is a Jewish community center.

This is practically a hate crime. Now get out.

I'll create a diversion.

No, no. Rodney, don't!

Who is this?

Rodney, don't be a hero!

Chivalry! [Taser buzzing]

Uh-ooh-ooh! [Screams]

Rodney! Are you okay?

'Twas nothing, mi lady.

[Grunting]

[Indistinct chatter over police radio]

Hey, what's with this large Ziploc bag of hair?

Put that down. That's evidence.

Can we please go now? Why are we still here?

I can't let you go until Maggie calms down.

What the hell is going on with her?

I don't know. She's having some sort of a nervous breakdown.

She's been very mean to me, so I'm not speaking to her right now.

Well, no, I think you need to come and see this.

You better let me out of here, cop man, okay?

Why is everybody trying to hold me down?

I just need you to sign this statement!

No, nobody is gonna keep me down, I'll tell you that much. I'll flip this table...

[Grunts] I'll flip it like a flapjack!

It's nailed to the floor. [Grunting]

Oh...

You know who I am? Do you? I'm Maggie!

Yeah, I know exactly who you are, because I went to high school with you.

Okay, I know my rights, man.

I get my phone call, and I get my pizza.

I want my pizza, and I want my popcorn!

Pizza is not a right.

Go get her a pizza.

No, Emma.

No part of your taxes goes to pizza money!

I want my pizza, big thighs!

That's hurtful. I'm going in.

No, no, hey, come here. Emma!

You're the one who got fat!

Okay, okay.

Hey, I'm pregnant!

I'm pregnant!

I'll take it from here.

Oh, yeah, 'cause that's the way it gets done.

The best friend tags in.

All right, honey-

I deserve a pizza, Emma. I deserve a pizza.

I know. We've had a long night, haven't we?

Why don't you sit down, honey?

[Shrill muttering] I don't want to! Okay, okay!

I know. Why don't you sit down?

[Soothingly] Okay, okay.

God, I just... I just wanted one thing to go right, you know?

I know.

I can't even get a dumb guy who looks like wolf man Jack to kiss me.

Okay, this cannot be about C.J.

No, he's awful.

I just... I just wasted so much time, and I'm tired.

I'm so tired of messing up.

What have you messed up?

I married that guy who had all that crazy stuff up his sleeve.

Okay, so you didn't know that!

But how did I not know that?

For 13 years, I was married to him.

Okay. So you made a mistake.

God.

You think you're the only person in the world who's made a mistake?

Big, huge mistakes, Em.

Yeah, like big, huge mistakes.

There's, like, a million things I regret.

You don't think I regret the way I left this place after Mark proposed?

That was terrible, the way I acted... terrible.

Listen, you do not make it to this... very young age we're at without having made some major-league mistakes.

And guess what.

You would not be the interesting, amazing woman that you are without having made those mistakes.

You certainly wouldn't have this little nugget, right?

And guess what. I'm gonna hit you with this truth.

Are you ready for it?

You're gonna be the most amazing mom...

[Crying]

Because you've made those mistakes, because that little girl's gonna come home one day from college, and she's gonna say, "mom, aunt Emma...

I got an STD on an island in Greece."

Oh, God, Em, why does it have to be an STD?

And I'm gonna say, "congrats to that."

Well, let's just have them wear a condom, let's have her be protected, you know...

Okay.

Even if it's hypothetical.

When she comes home and she says, "I messed up something huge, and I feel terrible about myself," what are you gonna say to her?

"It's okay."

Yeah.

It's okay to make mistakes.

[Sniffles]

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

You ever have a dream not pan out?

I always wanted to surf...

Nothing fancy, just...

Catch a curl off Corpus Christi.

Oh, it's bright.

Eeh.

Hey. I was about to come in there, Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves style and spring you out, but I guess you sprung yourself out.

Thanks for waiting.

Now, where were we?

I had a really fun night.

Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. No, me too.

[Chuckles] Yeah, it makes sense.

It'd probably be too confusing for the kid, anyway.

Yeah.

Plus, I'm not sure if I'm ready to be a dad.

I don't think you are.

Right now I just got to keep on drumming, you know?

Oh.

Just keep drumming.

Got to keep drumming.

So I got more of the world to see, more of these drums to play.

Yeah.

That's what I do.

Yeah.

It's my life philosophy...

Just keep drumming, J.K. Drumming.

Just kidding drumming?

Nope. Just keep drumming.

Oh.

It was good seeing you, Maggie Harper.

Nice meeting you, baby Harper.

[Tapping drumsticks rhythmically]

Ha! [Percussive rhythm]

Hey, what about your van?

Stolen!

♪ ♪

Rodney, what are you doing here?

I...

I just wanted to make sure you got home okay.

Listen, what you did for me last night was so brave.

I'm just...

[Laughs] You got tased for me.

And I'd do it again...

Probably not while I was soaking wet.

[Chuckles] Word to the wise...

Water and electricity is a bad combination.

Well, it meant so much to me, and I just...

I just want to say...

Oh.

Could you, um, send me some of those drawings?

'Cause even though I'm covered in dragon scales, I've honestly never looked so good.

As you wish, mi lady. As you wish.

[Whispers] Oh, my God.

[Laughing] What was that?

I don't know, but, honestly, that was, like, the most amazing kiss I've ever had.

Wait. What?

Yeah.

His lips are so soft.

They're like the underside of a baby chick.

Well, at least somebody got kissed.

You want me to kiss you? I'll give you a kiss.

I'll give you a kiss. Yeah! Afraid you'll like it.