01x07 - Spaghetti and Meatballs

[bunniefuu]

Oh! This lemon blueberry bread is rocking my world.

Ugh! I can't believe this!

You know that casino project that I spearheaded in china?

You know, Hun Chun Fow Yeune? They had their grand opening.

What am I looking at?

It's just like an effeminate chinese man With a big pair of scissors?

Yeah, that's Ryuichi.

Your former assistant?

Yeah.

Now he's cutting the ribbon. That should be me wielding those giant golden scissors.

You know, that's big business for you.

Everybody's disposable.

You know what, who needs them?

We're gonna get you a big-ass pair of scissors over at joan's fabric barn later today.

[Scoffs] Thanks.

Thanks for everything, Candy!

Hey, Mark. What are you up to?

Someone get m*rder*d in the kitchen?

I wish. No, I'm taking over Chief McGrath's annual fundraiser.

He asked me to do it 'cause he's in the hospital.

Oh, 'cause of that goiter on his neck?

Yeah, it exploded at the police station.

Oh, god. What was inside of it... was it hard?

No, it was like the inside of key lime pie.

Oh, like a custard.

Guys, no! No!

I'm sorry.

Anyway, I just... I have to organize this spaghetti dinner for his wife's charity. It's for the shaking chihuahuas.

The chihuahuas with nerve disorders.

Oh, god. And they're already so shaky to begin with.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, 'cause they're so cold and they're...

Both: So far from home.

Well, it's just a big, fat pain in the ass, And I don't have the time to do it.

Well, why don't you let Emma help you?

She's phenomenal at this stuff. And we were just talking about how she... how she started, um, How Chun Wu Tang.

Maggie, How Chun Fow Yeune.

That's what I said.

No, it isn't.

I'm sure it's what I said.

No.

Well, anyway, it's just a spaghetti dinner.

You know, that's all.

Mark, if your boss did ask you, out of all the cops, to be in charge of this thing, It is kind of an opportunity to impress him.

Well, how exactly do I do that?

Choose a theme. Create an element of surprise.

Make it exclusive, so everyone feels special.

Man, h... oh, boy.

I mean, I could help you...

But you'd have to ask.

Then never mind. I can't do that.

Okay. I'll do it.

I'm not asking, Emma.

All right, but I'm already doing it.

I'm back, and I'm back in business!

All right, you wanna run and get some of those big scissors?

No. Yes.

Thank you for having us today, officers.

[Triumphant music plays] We...

Oh!

No, Maggie. Not now.

What's that?

Not now, buddy, not now.

What do you mean not now? Oh, god, I'm so excited.

[Both laugh] Okay.

Listen up, everyone. Last year, you made roughly $1,000 on the spaghetti dinner.

Well, we think we could do better.

So, Maggie and I have cooked up a little razzamatazz.

Yeah, razzamatazz.

Maggie, now.

Now?

Yep.

Gosh. Okay.

[Triumphant music plays] Whoo!

Both: Rosie's After Dark!

An elegant evening of cocktails and gambling, hosted by the Pinebrook police!

Think rat pack.

It's classic Vegas!

That's actually pretty good. You... it's great work, guys.

L-let's do it.

And then, After everyone's had their fill of spaghetts, We lower the lights... The music will begin...

And you guys jump on stage and start to strip.

Both: Whoo!

Shaking that ass and making that money!

Ow! Ow!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Uh, no.

No, no, no.

Ow! Ow!

Are you two out of your minds? We are policemen.

We have a level of integrity and respect to maintain.

Okay, I understand that, but sex sells.

And every woman loves a man in uniform.

Oh, yeah.

Right there.

Loving everything I'm seeing here.

And I can charge $50 a head for a strip show, Which will make our profits rise by...

Like 10,000%.

Yeah, well, roughly.

We're still working out the numbers.

But I promise you, it will be a significant bump.

And grind.

Oh!

Oh! Nailed it.

Oh, I gave that one to you!

Okay, listen.

Whoo! Whoo!

You guys are not hearing me. All right?

There will be no cops stripping.

We're not going to go out there and embarrass ourselves.

[police radio chatter]

This is 268. Show us responding.

I love everything up to the stripping, okay?

Let's just do the "Rosie's After Dark" thing and keep our pants on.

[Groans]

Let's go, guys.

Thanks for your time, everybody.

I'm sorry, Emma. It was a good idea.

No, listen, you know what? He's not brave.

What it is, he's afraid of success.

What am I gonna do? Hey.

Could we really make 10,000% more money If we did this strip thing?

Roughly.

Then we are 10 kajillion percent on board.

You guys really want to do it?

Yeah.

Okay then!

We're on. Can you just give us A hot second, bro? Yeah.

This is exciting!

I know.

But didn't Mark just say we definitely shouldn't do this?

Okay, this happens in business all the time.

Mm-hmm.

Mark is afraid to take a risk.

Trust me... once he sees how much money he's making, He's gonna get on board. Hey, guys?

Would you mind if we maybe kept it a secret from Mark, Just like at least until we sell the tickets?

I will carry this to my grave.

Okay, that's intense.

Maggie is going to be your dance coach. She's amazing.

She's going to help you work out your choreography.

Yeah, don't let this belly fool you.

I still got the moves. Oh.

Oh, sure she does!

Whoo!

Oh, sure she does!

So for your homework tonight, I would like for you to go home and journal about what dance means to you.

Mmm.

Also, shave your balls.

Okay, guys. Journal and shave the nutsacks.

Yeah. Half my homework's already done.

Yeah, that port-a-potty quote's not gonna work for me.

You know, your slogan says that you're number one in the number two business, but I'm just not feeling it.

[whispers] hey.

Why don't you call me back when you're ready to cut the crap and get my people poopin' in your potties?

She'll call me back in 30 seconds.

Okay.

God, it feels so good to be back in business mode, you know?

I'm running this town.

Good.

Hey, what's up with this bag of teeth?

It's evidence.

When you go in that drawer, it's always evidence.

Now give me my desk back.

Oh, no can do.

This is officially my command center, okay?

'Cause I'm waiting for callbacks from vendors and also, I got permits out to the city, Because we, my friend, are oversold.

That's amazing!

Not bad, right?

See? I told you we didn't have to take our clothes off to get people to come.

Yeah, um, about that...

You know, I gotta say, It's nice to see this side of you.

I mean, you are really k*lling it.

[mouthing words]

No, no, don't be humble.

I just really appreciate you doing all this for me, And that for once you're respecting my wishes.

Okay.

Thank you.

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, just carry on.

All right.

Good work.

Get out of here!

Five, six, ready, go.

And walk, walk, stir the pot, and body roll, body roll.

All right! We're getting it! So what I'd love for you guys to do is think about what's really happening.

Okay? This is the seduction of a woman.

A woman wants you to maybe do a slow "tootsee roll."

Can we try that? A slow "tootsee roll."

And put your booty out. Just drop it.

Get real slow and nasty.

Get nasty with that butt.

Hey, you know what? Let's do a new combo.

Here we go. And five, six, seven, eight.

And punch, punch, arrested, thrust, thrust, slap, slap, Walk, walk, stir the pot, and body roll, body roll.

I like it! How about we take five?

Dry off our necks. Take five, guys.

A lot of neck sweat.

Cool off and dry your necks.

Hey, Ms. Maggie, can I talk to you for a sec?

Yeah, what is it, Danny?

Look, I don't think I can do this.

What? Why?

You see me out there.

I can't dance. What are you talking about?

You have a raw, natural talent.

My ex-girlfriend once told me that I move like a big pig.

Oh, my... a big pig?

Yeah.

Just rolling around in the mud. Jawin' on a corncob.

Oh, goodness. I'm glad she's your ex.

Yeah. It's just I think she got me in my head, And I just don't think I can do this.

Okay. Danny, dancing is all about confidence, okay?

So can I ask you one question?

Do you want to dance?

[Sighs]

Danny, look at me.

Do... you want... to dance?

I do. I want to dance.

Then you, my friend, are a dancer.

Okay?

Wait. Just like that?

All right, guys. Let's do it again.

We're gonna get back into this combo, and we're gonna own it.

Don't mind me. I'm just gonna watch from the corner.

Okay?

Oh, yeah.

Can't wait to see what you're cooking up.

Just keep in mind: Work in progress.

Absolutely.

Here we go.

Five, six, seven, eight, and walk, walk, stir the pot, And body roll, body roll, And walk, walk, stir the pot, and body roll, bo...

Sorry. Danny, what are you, um...

What are you doing?

I'm just doing what you're doing.

Oh! I'm sorry. I'm just real pregnant.

That's why I was doing it.

Damn it. I'm just a big pig.

Hey, I could do more of those thrusts if you want.

I got no problem with those thrusts.

You do have a lot of flexibility in your hip-flexer.

Mags, could I just talk to you for just one sec?

Sure. Yeah.

You guys wanna keep running through that just one more time?

Great work, guys, though! Really good.

Everything. I-I'm seeing at all.

Hey, I'm really concerned.

These meatballs are looking terrible.

Five, six, seven, eight.

What?

Look at them... they're amazing.

Okay, but why is he doing that whack-a-mole thing with his arms?

I'm not sure. I did not tell him to do that.

We are... we're working on...

Hey, it's not funny.

Mark is really depending on me.

We have two whole days, okay?

And I'm not afraid to go full Debbie Allen on their asses.

No, no, no. I trust you. It's just I'm afraid we're not working with grade-a beef here.

[Grunts]

Okay, yes, they are meatballs, but everybody loves meatballs if you prepare them the right way.

All right, let's run through that combo again.

Mark. My good friend, Mark.

I, uh, pulled you over because you were doing 50 in a 35.

Yes, I was. I was trying to get somewhere very quickly.

That is what speeding is, Mr. Nanjiani.

I'm going to have to write you up this time.

How about if I was rushing to buy tickets to see you take your clothes off, huh?

What?

Someone put this on my windshield.

"Good cops gone bad"?

God damn it, Emma.

So you wanna give me a free sample of your sexy show?

My what?

This is faroon patoosh.

[Upbeat music plays]

This is the bob seger of Pakistan.

Dance, Mark! Dance!

No, I am an officer of the law.

There will be no dancing, okay?

Dance! Dance, Mark!

I'll wait until the show.

There's not gonna be a show, okay?

The show is cancelled.

Come on, mark!

As of right now.

Shake what your mama gave you!

[Music continues]

Come on, do it!

You wanna dance?

Well, right here is where you start payin'...

In sweat!

I wanna see you sweat. Leave it all on the floor!

And five, six, seven, eight, And one, two, and three, four, and five, six, And seven and eight.

Thrust it, thrust it, slap it, slap it, slap it.

Whoo! Slap it. Whoo! Slap it, slap it, slap it.

Whoo!

Nope. No.

All right, everybody stop. Stop dancing now.

What the hell are you wearing?

What are y...

Where is Emma? Emma, get down here!

How did you even know we were here?

There are five cop cars outside, Maggie.

Guys, carpool.

What the hell is this?

I thought we talked about no stripping.

Who is this?

It's from a p*rn.

It's a p*rn called Cops And Throbbers, which is a p*rn.

Please stop saying p*rn.

Okay, this is exactly what we talked about not doing.

So we're not doing it.

What?

What?

It's cancelled, gentlemen.

Can you just hear me out?

We've already made $6,000 in tickets.

Whoa!

$6,000?

Yes.

Hodid u even do that?

Because I'm an international business machine.

That's what I do. I blow things up.

I make dreams come true.

Oh, I see. Okay.

Mark, I just want you to know that these guys have been literally sweating their asses and their butt cheeks and their necks off for you.

You guys really wanna do this?

You're gonna embarrass yourselves.

So what?

We're having a good time and...

I'm learning about my body.

Please, Ian, I'm begging you, stand down.

Oh, my god.

Guys, maybe Mark is right.

Maybe we shouldn't be doing this.

Danny, no! You were doing so good.

Yeah, man. You got more heart than any of us.

Really?

Do I lie?

Do I lie, Danny?

I'm in.

[Cheering]

Yes!

Yeah!

Mark?

All right, fine. Fine. Okay, fine.

All right!

Let's do it!

Can you come here for a second?

Back to work. And body roll. And body roll.

I told you I didn't want this, but you went ahead, behind my back, and you did it anyway.

I know what I'm doing. It's gonna work.

Can you just trust me?

Chief McGrath has put me in charge of this.

It is my ass that's on the line.

So you had better make it good.

We will.

Body roll!

And body roll! Body roll!

Everybody body roll! Body roll!

Body roll! Body roll!

Body roll! Body roll!

Body roll! Body roll!

Body roll!

Body roll, body roll...

[Dance music]

[Indistinct chatter]

♪ ♪

Guys...

Can we bring it in for a second?

[Sighs]

I could not be prouder of a group of men.

You have crossed over so many terrifying boundaries.

And I know for some of us it was more scary than for others.

I promised myself I wouldn't do this.

So tonight... I want you to move in unison as if you were one.

One thrust, one crotch, okay?

But I also want you to do what we talked about, Which is lock eyes with a woman and just really give it to her.

Mmmhmm.

As many times as she needs it.

Guys!

I have an exciting announcement to make.

I know Mark was worried about you embarrassing yourselves out there, so I was able to pull a few strings and...

Antonio, you can come out.

This is Antonio.

Hola.

Antonio is a professiona stripper from the Coconut Grove section of Miami Beach, And he's gonna be dancing with you tonight.

What? How is that gonna work?

He doesn't know any of the choreography.

Oh, he's a professional, he doesn't need to know the choreography.

Is this show, uh, full friction?

Oh, no, no, absolutely not.

I am not taking my shirt off next to that.

The guy doesn't even have hair on his chest.

I don't have hair anywhere. Huh?

[Chuckles] Oooh. Okay.

Okay, I'm sorry. My guys are not dancing with a Coconut Grove gigolo.

Mags, calm down, okay?

Antonio's the real deal. This is a win-win.

This isn't what we signed up for.

I'm out. We're all out.

What? Wait, guys! I think it's a mistake if you don't dance with Antonio, okay?

Just think of him like a little, uh, hamburger helper.

You know what the worst part is?

You made me want it.

Okay, this is a little overreaction...

Okay, you know what? This is not okay.

These guys have been busting their asses and some of them shaved their balls.

I think you are a little too close to this, okay?

This is for Mark. It really needs to go well.

And I am sorry, but these meatballs just aren't ready.

Oh, right. I forgot.

Because in big business, everybody's disposable.

Okay, that is a totally different situation.

That's what you said.

Okay, no.

How does it feel, Ryuichi, to be standing in the other shoes?

Oh, okay.

Don't you dare throw that back in my face, Because, I'm sorry, but I am trying to produce a successful male revue, and I need somebody who knows what they're doing, okay?

I'm sorry.

[Sighs] Elephant or toucan?

Toucan. This isn't amateur hour.

Danny, bring out the spaghetts.

[Overlapping chatter]

Hello, Chief McGrath.

Oh!

How's the spaghetti? You ready for seconds?

It's delicious as usual.

Yeah, well, It's the same recipe as last year. I made sure of it.

You know, from what I hear, it's the only thing that's the same as last year. Bunny here... very excited.

Oh.

Mark, I brought signs!

[Chuckles]

I cannot believe you got our very own police force to do a strip number. [Chuckles]

Oh, it's just going to be a hoot!

Look at the turnout, will ya!

Yeah, I know.

Was this your idea?

Yeah. Yeah.

You know, uh, sex sells.

And, uh, women love a man in uniform.

You can say that again.

Yeah.

[Giggles]

Hey, Mark, you and I need to get together over warm crab cakes.

Okay.

Talk about your future at the department.

Thanks, chief. I... you know, I-I really love crab that's warm in a cake.

[Police siren] We got one minute till showtime!

Shhh. Boys, it's starting.

Sugartush, here, here, here.

All right.

Candy, Candy. I told you.

I need spaghetti on all the tables before the show starts.

Oh, I turned this thing off hours ago.

I can't hear a word you're saying.

Roger that, Candy.

Oh, my god.

I wanted to thank you for your help.

I mean, I had my doubts, but I gotta tell ya, this thing turned out great.

Well, you are gonna be even happier, because the cops are not dancing tonight.

What?

I hired a professional stripper, and the guys just decided they didn't want to do it with him.

So, anyway, nobody's gonna be embarrassed.

But this entire audience came here to see our cops strip. The cops have to strip.

I thought you didn't want the cops to strip.

Ladies! [crowd cheering]

You do not have the right to remain silent.

Bring out the men!

Please welcome to the stage a policeman who has a warrant out for your "a-breasts"!

Officer Antonio!

Who is this guy?

Where are the cops?

[All booing]

[Crowd commotion]

[Booing continues]

Emma, what did you do?

Oh, no.

Oh, yes!

Yes!

Emma, the people showed up to see the Pinebrook police department. You gotta get them out there.

Don't worry. I can fix it.

[Booing, shouting continues]

Guys, guys, guys.

Oh, look who it is! The dream k*ller.

I am really sorry. Okay? I was totally wrong.

They don't want that. They want you guys.

So I just need you to go on stage right now.

No way.

Sorry, Em. You treated these guys like day-old pieces of meatball.

But that's not who they are.

They are people with feelings.

And freshly shorn balls!

Guys, please. I am begging you.

All chanting: We want the cops! We want the cops!

Oh, God.

We want the cops!

All right, I better get out there before they tear the place down.

We want the cops!

We want the cops!

What are you waiting for?

I guess I just thought if I waited long enough, You guys would change your minds, like in the movies.

Nope.

We want the cops!

We want the cops! We want the cops!

They won't dance.

They won't?

This is all my fault.

I'll take the blame.

No, Emma! Emma, wait!

All: We want the cops!

Cut the music! Cut it! Oh!

Antonio? You made your 80 bucks. Let's go.

Y-you're hurting that woman.

[Crowd booing] All right, that's it.

Thank you.

All right.

Everybody, I am so sorry to inform... ah! Oh, my...

Okay, can everyone just please keep the spaghetti on their plates? Oh! This is a new blazer!

[Noise dies down]

[Cheers and applause]

[Dance music starts]

Mark?

♪ ♪

What are you doing?

Shaking my ass and making that money.

♪ ♪

I can't believe Mark's doing this.

I can't believe those abs!

Oh, my god.

Whoo!

Mags, I'm really sorry. I messed this one up.

Ooh.

Oh, god.

Were you guys just gonna leave Mark hangin'?

You are right. An officer needs backup.

[Cheering intensifies]

You're out of your mind.

Oh, God.

You're out of your mind.

I tend to agree.

That's right, ladies.

'Cause what's spaghetti without some meatballs?

♪ ♪

My god, check out that body roll!

Yeah, that hamburger don't need no helper.

Oh!

Okay.

♪ ♪
♪ ♪

I was wrong. This is great. The guys are great.

And I think the chief is enjoying it.

♪ ♪

Thank you for bailing me out.

I will tell you something. If this had happened in China, Those jerks would have never had my back like that.

The Pinebrook police department always has your back.

And your front.

Okay.

Hey, fellas!

No, no, no.

There's a lady over here that requires your "ass-istance."

No, guys, please.

Here we go.

Come on, let's go!

Please, I don't...

[Overlapping chatter, shouting]

Okay, what is happening right now?

Mags, get up here!

Whoo!