01x10 - Bugs in Your Eyes

[bunniefuu]

[Indistinct conversation]

[Chuckles]

Look at this little angle.

We are really doing it.

Mm-Hmm.

What do we do?

I can't.

Plan B, we need a "Twinkle Star".

Find the twinkle star.

♪ Twinkle, twinkle, little star ♪

What are you doing? Don't do that. You sound like an old...

Find her twinkle star, that's what it sounds like. I was just trying to match it.

It's terrifying.

Is this the one?

No, no, it's a purple one with a...

That sounds weird. Who gave you that one? Your white trash cousin?

That's rude. You know what, she's not been able to use that tea set you gave her till she's four years old.

Don't you turn on me!

Can you take her just for a sec?

I know, we are finding it.

We are gonna find it. There we go.

Mags, this baby hates me. And she hates my face.

Oh, I found it, I found it!

Good, good, good.

I got it! Oh.

Why is this covered in poop?

You are supposed to wash that.

I meant to. But I need it to get away from me.

So I just shoved it into a b*mb and put it under the dresser.

Come on.

I'm so sorry.

Give it to me.

Okay, okay.

That's what you wanted.

You wanted your binky.

Oh, my God.

That's what you wanted.

You just wanted your binky.

Remember all those adventures we had when you were pregnant?

We should do that again. That was fun.

Nope, no more adventures. Okay?

I'm too effing tired.

[Toy squalls]

Oh, turn it off!

Turn it off.

You turn that star off right now.

Turn it down.

[Toy singing] ♪ Twinkle, twinkle, little ♪
♪Star how♪

We have the same eyes.

Try a little sandwich?

No, no. Mom, mom, mom.

She's not on solid foods. Please.

[Babbling]

Has Bruce's eyes.

And she drools just like Bruce too.

Bruce, how do you do it?

She loves it when I act like an idiot.

Oh.

[Babbling]

You know what? She is loving you all the time.

You want a turn?

Um, okay.

[Crying]

Is that a good idea?

What is it? Am I doing it wrong?

It's okay. Here, I'll take her.

Am I holding... I... I can do it.

Mama. Hi. Hey, sweet girl.

Oh, she's got the mother's touch.

Yeah.

There you go.

There we go.

[Cooing]

Okay, so for the christening on Sunday...

Yeah.

I think I've got most of it taken care of.

Then why are we even here?

I mean, I could be watching Wheel.

I've got benches and chairs being delivered on Sunday morning.

Shadowcreek farms is doing the flowers.

Yes? I'd like to pose a query.

Mom, you don't have to raise your hand.

Are you absolutely sold on the name Charlotte?

Yes.

Mom.

Because Gwendolyn is still available.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but I got dibs on the middle name, because I really love "Donna Nicole."

Oh, mom, that's beautiful.

Uh-uh.

"Charlotte Donna Nicole caruso."

No, no, no, no. I'm choosing the middle name.

Is that cool?

Yes.

Now, can we focus?

We are planning a christening here.

Okay.

Okay, um...

Oh, for food...

I'm on the cannolis.

And then I'val ordered a bunch of platters.

We've got cheeses...

Various cheeses and rolled meats.

Speaking of rolled meats, I was thinking about wearing a kilt, 'causet'd great to have some bagpipes at this thing.

Why bagpipes?

Do you have a problem?

Isn't the Caruso family, like, 100% Italian?

No. We're Sicilian.

You know what?

We're not having bagpipes at your daughter's christening.

I'm gonna make a playlist on my iPod.

Fine.

Oh, and I haven't heard back from Mark about borrowing Tina's vintage cake stands, so...

Oh, you know what? Let me do that, okay?

Let somebody do something to help you, right?

Yeah.

Besides, I've always been really good at tracking down ex-boyfriends and their wives.

Okay.

And then I think everything else is covered.

Reverend, toys, goodies, music, backyard prep, so, um...

Meeting adjourned.

Oh, I'm glad we could help.

Can we at least play Shout? You know, everyone loves Shout.

Both: No.

[Groans]

Sleep sacks, where were you when I needed you?

[Groans]

Hi, Mark. It's Emma.

Sorry to keep bugging you, but Maggie really needs me to get those vintage cake stands from bird bones... Oh, sorry.

I mean Tina... Your wife, Tina.

So could you just ask her what she thinks about that?

Thank you so much.

Good-bye.

Get in there. Stupid sleep sacks.

[Loud fart-like sounds]

[Cooing]

Ah? What is mommy doing?

What is mommy doing?

What is mommy doing?

[Noisily blowing raspberries]

Oh, my God, I thought you were having as ass expl*si*n in here.

Why did you come in if you thought that was the case, Em?

I thought you needed help.

That's what I thought.

Listen, finish your shower.

I'm gonna take her, okay?

No, no, it's fine. It's fine.

I really don't mind.

You know, I'm a mom now, so...

So what? You can't never have you hair be deeply conditioned?

Come on, let me take her.

No. No.

No, it's actually...

It actually makes me more nervous, so...

All right, I'm a grown woman.

I can handle a baby, okay?

No, it's not because of you, it's because of the baby.

No, but every time you snatch her from me, then I don't get a chance to really get used to it, you know?

Okay, well, every time you pick her up, she cries, so it kind of makes it more stressful for me.

[Crying]

Somebody's staring at us.

[Sweetly] Hey, maybe we use some nice voices when we're talking.

[Sweetly] Okay, what I'm trying to say is that I think you're being a teensy little bit of a control freak, okay?

Oh, is that what you think?

Yep.

Maybe have a baby, and then you can talk to me.

Hey, why don't you not make me feel bad for not currently being in a relationship, okay?

'Cause I'm just trying to help.

I'm just trying to help mommy.

Oh, is that what you're doing?

I'm just trying to help mommy.

[Normal voice] You know what would help me is if you would get those cake stands.

[Normal voice] Oh, my God, I'm gonna get the cake stands, all right?

I called him, like, a million times.

But they're not here, are they?

[Cell phone chimes] [Sighs] Oh!

Look who it is. It's Mark.

Great.

You know what?

[Sweetly] I'm gonna get the cake stands.

And then when I get them...

Uh-huh.

I'm gonna shove them right up your butt, okay?

[Sweetly] Oh, I can't wait for that.

All righty.

[Both blowing raspberries]

All right. Oh, P. S...

[Both blow raspberry]

[Sighs]

Hello.

Who is this?

Hey, stop calling me.

Mark, it's Emma.

You called me.

Emma? Oh, Emma!

That's right. It says it right there.

Are you okay? Are you drunk?

Oh, yeah.

If you call 11 zimas drunk, yes, I am.

Probably have alcohol poisoning, to tell you the truth.

Okay, Mark? Mark, where are you.

I'm gonna come get you.

I'll tell you where I'm not.

At home.

Because Tina flew off the bird handle, and I had to fly the Coop.

Candy, can I have another zima, please?

I will talk to you later.

We will continue this discourse at a different time, Emma.

Okay, Mark? Mark?

[Sighs]

Did you get those vintage cake stands?

No. Mark and Tina had a fight.

He is drunk on zimas at Rosie's, so I'm gonna go get him.

Okay, well, let me get dressed, and I'll just get her stuff together and then we can go.

What are you talking about? You're not coming.

Well, I'm not staying at home.

Okay, first of all, I'm not letting you go to a bar where your ex is by himself drunk.

That's not appropriate.

And she doesn't seem to be happy unless she's in a car or moving, so I'm coming.

[Baby voice] You want to go to Rosie's?

You want to ride in the car and go to Rosie's?

Maybe she'll go to sleep then.

All right, fine.

But P.S., I'm still mad at you.

[Baby voice] I'm still mad at you.

[Goofy voice] And I am still mad at you.

[People chatting]

See where he is.

Oh, my God.

Sorry.

What happened to Rosie's?

I've never seen so much fringed leather in my entire life.

I forgot. It's biker week.

You know, when those Daytona guys make their way up the coast?

You know what, why don't you take the baby back to the car and wait for me.

No way. She's never been happier.

Must be all the classic rock or something.

Okay, well, why don't we just find Mark and get out of here, okay?

Excuse me, sir, we just need...

Who the hell are you calling sir?

Oh, no.

Suzy, get over here.

This bitch just called me sir.

We don't need to get Suzy involved, I don't think...

[Cooing]

Oh, my God, is that a baby?

Hi. How old?

Oh, she's six weeks.

This is actually her first time out of the house.

When she starts teething, take an old rag, soak it in whiskey, pop it in the freezer.

Calms her right down.

Oh, that is a helpful hint.

Okay, I'm sorry.

We have to actually find our friend, so...

I bet you're looking for that tall drink of water...

The one not wearing leather.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's over at the bar with Toby.

What kind of motorcycle do you have, sir?

Both: Oh, thank you.

Bye, little baby.

Can I hold her?

No, sir, thank you... I'm sorry, ma'am.

And let me tell you something else, Toby.

Prison sounds good.

The toilet is right beside your bed.

My toilet is so far away...

Mark?

[Gasps] Emma!

[Chuckles] And Mags!

Is that the... baby!

Shh.

Oh, the baby's sl...

Shh, everybody.

You know what?

We're gonna get you home.

So I'm gonna help you get up off of the stool, okay?

Oh, no, no, no. Not gonna happen.

Mm-mm. No, not without this.

Wait, why are you doing the Single Ladies dance with your hand?

Not without this, mm-mm.

Why is...

Mark, why don't you have your wedding ring?

'Cause that guy over there is better at me than pool.

[Snorts]

[Laughter]

Mark, why would you bet your wedding ring in a pool game?

I did?

Oh, no. You guys, look.

Okay. Stop doing that. This is really bad.

I'll be right back.

Wh-wh... Maggie, Maggie.

What are you doing? What do you mean?

I'm gonna go get his ring back.

Okay, I don't think that's a good idea.

I can take care of it.

You know what?

Why don't you just leave the baby with me?

I can take care of it. God.

Ortega,lo siento.

They said they have no more of those jalapeño poppers.

What does a man have to do to get a hot pepper in the state of Connecticut?

I'm sick of these g*dd*mn clams!

Hi.

My name is Maggie, and this is Charlotte.

Listen, my friend over there, he does not hold his liquor well.

That's 'cause he only drinks zimas.

[Laughter]

Anyway, um... [Chuckles]

My friend mistakenly bet his wedding ring, and he's gonna need it back, so if you could maybe find some kindness in your heart...

You know,madre, I have kindness in my heart, but not when it comes to bets.

Because if I soften, even for a beautiful woman such as yourself...

[Chuckles]

I would be gutted in the streets publicly.

[Laughter]

Ortega, I don't mean to get nasty with you, but I'm gonna need that ring back before I leave this bar.

Comprende usted, señor?

Hey, listen, it's"comprendes."

I'm sorry, I was using the formal.

Or would you rather me refer to you as a common street thug?

All: Oh!

I got an "A" in AP Spanish, and there's more where that came from.

All: Ooh.

Hey, listen, I would play señor zima again, but he's got nothing left to bet.

2014 Toyota highlander.

Five-spoke alloy wheels, blind spot monitor, power liftgate.

Back-up camera?

Standard.

Hey, Rico!

Yeah, ese?

Rack 'em up.

You got it!

We got a madre here who want to play for her friend's silver band.

[Laughter]

Mark, everybody has fights.

Not like this one.

This was the thrilla in manila.

Was this about the China stuff?

'Cause I should've never told Tina that you said you would've gone with me.

That was...

It's not about China, okay?

I got a job.

Person offered me a job.

Okay, what job did "person" offer you?

Stamford Police.

They offered me sergeant.

In a year or so, I could get to detective.

Mark, that is amazing.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

You've wanted that ever since you watched your first episode of m*rder, She Wrote.

Just to be clear, that's not the reason I became a cop.

Okay, but on your answering machine, it used to be like, [humming m*rder, She Wrote theme]

I'll tell you one thing, man.

Angela Lansbury would have been happy for me.

Is Tina not happy for you?

No, because Stamford is three hours away, and we'd have to move.

Tina doesn't want to leave Pinebrook.

No.

And when I brought it up, she flipped out, told me how selfish I was, and then... wasn't even happy for me.

Not for even, like, one second.

What about what I want, Toby?

Wait, did you just call me Toby?

Yeah, Toby.

No, I'm Emma.

Who the hell is this?

That's Toby.

[Sighs]

Oh, you might want to sit down.

It's gonna be a while.

Oh, this isn't her first rodeo, Rico.

Five in the corner pocket.

[Clears throat]

[Fussing]

Sorry.

[Shushing]

It's okay.

Oh.

You having trouble,madre?

No, no, no. I'm good.

Five in the side pocket.

[Clears throat]

[Sighs]

Damn it.

I don't usually miss that one.

It's the baby. It got in the way.

I don't think so, man.

Why don't you let your friend blondie over here hold the baby while you play?

I don't need her. I'm a mom.

I can do it myself.

Uh-huh.

You got bugs in your eyes.

What?

You see, the skeleton riders, we got this saying.

"You got bugs in your eyes."

What it means is this: You can't always be the lead hog.

When we ride, we ride in formation.

We trade out the lead, 'cause if you stay in front of the pack for too long, you get bugs in your eyes.

You understand what I'm saying?

Yeah, you get a bunch of dead bugs on your goggles.

You need to let other people help you.

It doesn't make you any less of a rider.

So why don't you let Ortega hold that baby while you take your next sh*t?

[Chuckles]

I don't... um...

Hey, I have 14 kids spread out across this great wide American expanse.

I think I know how to hold a baby.

[Chuckles]

Okay.

[Fussing]

[Shushing]

Just watch her head. Watch her head.

There you go.

Yeah.

She likes to be upright.

Watch her. There we go.

Come to Uncle Ortega.

[Sighs]

Ahem.

[Charlotte fusses]

Go on, play.

Okay, okay.

All: Ooh.

Ah.

[Chuckles]

I'm always trying to make things right for her, and...

It's just like it's my job.

Things are gonna be okay.

You just have to, you know, go home, and you'll talk it out.

I don't know.

Maybe I don't want to.

Mark, I know it seems easier to run away when things get hard, but I have done that, and trust me, you will regret it.

It was never this hard with you and me.

Mark.

I never, ever had to worry about whether or not you wanted what was best for me.

Mark, we were so young.

Listen, you have to at least try and work it out.

I know. I know you don't want to.

You got to leave it all on the floor.

Leave it all on the floor?

What is this, a g*dd*mn dance movie?

I'm not Channing Tatum.

Can you just work with me here?

I'm saying good stuff.

You said, "leave it all on the floor."

Hey, hey, buddy. Hey, there he is.

You left your ring over there on the table.

You almost left without it.

What? Why?

Maggie just told me.

I didn't know you were a cop.

Que viva la policia!

All: Que viva!

Oh, yeah. Muchas gracias.

Zimas for everybody.

It really is time to go home.

[Mark exhales]

Hey, little lady. Thanks for bailing me out.

[Cooing]

[Chuckles] Ah, Mags.

I didn't realize it was lunchtime.

It's okay.

You have seen it all before.

What's up?

Tony Joes got the amps all set up, so I've just got to get that playlist from you.

Oh, I did not do that.

I'm sorry.

Is it too late for bagpipes?

Are you serious?

It's never too late for bagpipes.

Tony Joes, get your kilt on!

Oh.

Hey, Mary Pat?

I think it's too early to put out the cannolis.

They'll sweat.

Hey.

Just let myself in.

Hey, Mark.

I... I didn't expect to see you this early.

Oh, God, yeah, I had a rough time getting up this morning, but then I didn't really...

Didn't really go to bed, so...

Did it... did it go okay?

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no, yeah. It was... it was good.

We've decided we're just gonna...

We're just gonna keep talking about everything, and, you know.

Good.

Mm-hmm.

Good. That's really good.

And thank you again for last night.

Oh.

You know.

No, no. It's my pleasure.

I would do it a thousand times over.

This... could you give this gift to Mags or put in on the table or whatever?

Yeah, why don't you just give it to her yourself?

She's just upstairs with the baby.

Oh, actually, I'm not gonna be able to make it to the christening.

Oh, okay. You're not feeling well.

I get it. I'll tell Maggie.

I'm actually not gonna be able to see you for a while.

What?

Um...

Tina and I decided that it was best.

And so... I'm sorry. Um...

I just wanted to tell you in person.

Oh. Okay.

Did I do something wrong? Should I apologize?

No, no, no, no, no. Not at all.

You didn't do anything wrong.

Señor zima, que Paso?

Que Paso.

Gimme, gimme.

You know, I... I'm just gonna...

I have to help Mary Pat with the cannoli.

Sure.

Hey, buddy.

You okay in there?

[Sniffling] Not really.

Want some company?

Yeah, maybe.

It is all right if I bring her in?

There aren't raccoons in here still, are they?

No, they've moved on. Just like everyone else.

Okay.

I'm just gonna get over here.

Okay.

Hmm.

[Chuckles] Stupid.

No, he told me what he said.

Yeah.

I'm really proud of you.

Why?

For doing the right thing last night.

I know you could've made a very different choice.

Yeah, I could've made out with him.

I could've had, like...

Like a super hot make-out with him.

But you didn't.

I just feel like everybody has someone, you know?

Mark has bird bones, and Bruce has his stupid cousin, Tony Joes.

You have the baby.

Who hates me, by the way.

Oh, come on. She doesn't hate you.

She does.

She's giving me the stink eye right now.

That's just her face.

I think maybe that's my fault, 'cause I haven't really let you or anybody help.

But you do have her and me, okay?

And you are a part of this family.

You are always a part of this family.

I know.

I wasn't gonna do this until the christening, 'cause I wanted to surprise you, but here.

What is this?

Charlotte's birth certificate.

Look at her name.

Charlotte Emma Caruso?

Her middle name is Emma?

It is.

That's my name.

[Laughing] I know.

Bruce and I want you to always be a part of her life, because you are more than a godmother, you are a part of who she is, okay?

And you will always be part of this family, okay?

Okay.

Is that okay?

Yeah, that's okay.

[Cooing]

You hear that, stink eye?

You're stuck with me now forever.

[Both laugh]

Oh, great.

The sight of my tears makes her smile.

That's nice.

You do make a crazy face when you cry.

Just so you know...

You know, at this stage, they don't really smile.

It's probably just gas.

Can you just let me have this, okay?

Okay.

May I have a hug?

Okay, three-way hug.

[Cooing]