02x01 - Hello, Old Friend

[bunniefuu]

[tranquil guitar music]

Okay, I just don't understand why I'm holding a gigantic banana.

I don't know, but can you just give it a smile?

[babbling]

Okay, but there is hay literally working its way up my butt as we speak.

Okay, well this is a tradition in our family.

I understand.

You know what? I think we got that one.

Okay, great.

Let's be honest.

I wasn't really feeling the love.

So let's get mom up and the baby standing with you and let's get...

Can you take this banana 'cause I don't know what I was doing with that.

Right, I'll get it right back to you.

And let's put the arm around with mom...

Like this?

And mom have the arm on your shoulder and a little more natural with the elbow.

Natural, natural, natural, natural, natural, and smile mom. Okay, there we go!

That feels right, right moms?

Actually, she's the mom, I'm the best friend, this is the baby.

Friends, lovers, we don't need labels.

All I need from you is do whatever you're going do tonight when you crawl into bed and start to snuggle with each other.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dougie, I think there's been a miscommunication because that's not what's happening here.

Right, she got divorced, I moved home to help her with the baby...

Yeah.

So that's sort of what we're trying to capture here?

Yeah.

Just kind of an alternative family situation, but we're not married but we're friends and there's a baby.

Weird, but I'll tell you what, let's move on to June.

Okay, hold that and I'll get some sand from the back.

Okay, I need you to understand that I believe this man to be clinically insane.

And I need you to understand that I believe that we belong up on that wall with all those other families.

I know, I know.

Do you understand?

Yes I do.

Because we are a real family.

Of course we are.

And it's very important to me. Can you just get on board?

Yes, I'm on board. Okay, fine!

So we're just going to do whatever this man with the rat-tail says?

I like the sounds of that.

I got some coconut bras, a toucan head.

I got some nude body suits in the back Which would be great.

Mm-mm.

And, let's go to Rio!

[opening music starts]

Smile, toucan. Need more of a smile from the toucan.

I can't see anything in here, guys, and I can't breathe.

[Back Before We Were Brittle by Say Hi]

♪ Hey, remember when ♪
♪ All of time stood still ♪
♪ Ooh, do do do do ♪
♪ Back before we were brittle ♪
♪ Back before we were brittle ♪

I'm never doing that again.

Yes, we are. You know what?

We got the photos, so I don't know what we're complaining about.

I have, like, a rogue piece of hay, like, right up my butt cr*ck.

Can you please just look and get it?

It hurts.

Ew, I don't want to get up your butt and check...

Please, will you just do it?

Fine.

I don't know if it's...

Where is it?

Can you feel it?

You know what?

What is it?

There was one up there.

No, it's right to the right.

Oh, there, I found it.

There we go, okay.

Get it, it's on the other side.

[clears throat]

Is it caught in my thong? That's what it is.

(quietly) Hi.

Well!? What?

Look who it is!

Look!

It's Mark and Tina, it's Tina and Mark.

Yeah.

Guys, it's Maggie and Emma and the baby Charlotte.

Look at Charlotte, she's so big!

Yes, it is. Here we are all together.

Yes it's amazing.

Isn't this wonderful?

This is amazing.

It is amazing.

Should I cross the street? I know I'm not allowed to be near your husband.

Well, you're here now.

All right, do we really need to, come on, get into this?

Right, good question.

I mean, it's been a while, Right?

Yes.

And this is all water under the bridge, but, you know, like, how long has it been?

It's been a long time.

Look at the baby!

I know exactly how long it's been.

Four and a half months.

It that the, uh, amount of time that it has been, to, that has been?

Yeah, that's when you told him that he's not allowed to see me anymore for no reason at all.

Actually, there was a very good reason.

You guys got a dog?

Yes.

What's up with that?

This guy right here.

This little rascal.

Uh huh.

Tina wanted a dog, and so we got a dog and now we have a dog, right?

We do, and his name is Rene.

Rene.

Oh, well, Rene is a girl's name.

Uh, not in France, and he's French.

Was he born in France?

No.

Actually, he was born in Teaneck New Jersey.

That's not a French dog.

Okay, you know what?

How about we just...

He's of French heritage and I have papers to prove it.

Oh, I'd love to see them.

Then you check your mailbox tomorrow!

I'll check it tonight!

God, I can't believe they got a dog.

You know what that means?

Yeah, a baby.

What?

They are practicing for a baby.

No, no, no. When a relationship is on its last gasp, you get a dog.

Remember what happened to Katy Buchanan?

Oh, the one with the waterfall braid?

Yeah, did you know that she had close to eight beagles at one point?

Well, that's too many beagles.

I see her on Facebook sometimes just all alone just covered in beagles.

I think you should try and talk to Tina.

What? Why would I do that?

I didn't do anything wrong.

Are we never going to see Mark, like, forever and ever?

Yeah.

Until old Bird Bones cracks open that dirty beak of heir's and says, "I'm sorry."

Then, yeah, we're not going to see our friend again ever again.

Char-Bar, why aren't you eating these carrots?

She always loves these.

Oh, you know what, hold on a second.

I'll get Mr. Kooky.

Okno, no, no.

No Mr. Kooky.

What? She needs him to eat.

No, she doesn't.

[gasps] Oh, hi, Charlotte!

Oh, these are delicious carrots. Can Mr. Kooky have some of your carrots?

Um-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum.

Can Charlotte have some? [Charlotte laughs]

Oh, there we go.

See, she's eating her carrots.

You gonna do this rever? Because at some point, she's gonna need to learn how to eat on her own.

Why?

What, are you gonna go to college with her and do Mr. Kooky?

Yeah, if I have to. We'll enroll.

I'll become, like, a hot RA, you know?

Mm-hmm. You'll be 57 years old.

I'll be like, "Oh, beers are in the mini-fridge, y'all!"

You're gonna get arrested.

Hi!

Hey, Chris!

Hey, baby girl. Daddy missed you.

Yeah, look who it is? It's Daddy!

Say, "Hi, Daddy."

Hi, Daddy.

How you doin', Mr. Kooky?

Oh, I'm good, Bruce.

How are you?

Oh, I'm doing all right. I think I'm doing all right.

All right.

No, I'm okay, yeah.

Okay.

Hey, Mags!

Can I borrow 175 mason jars in your garage for 24 hours?

Wait, is it sauce season?

It is sauce season!

What's sauce season?

Mom woke up in the middle of the night, she smelled the ripe tomatoes and she just went, "Sauce!"

Oh, that's a good impression.

God, it's terrifying.

Oh, tell me about it.

Ma's super intense about tomato season.

That's why we can't use our own garage.

Uncle Donnie d*ed in there. So Mom says that his restless soul kinda sours the sauce.

Huh.

Yeah.

Hey, Bruce, I already hate myself for doing this, but can I ask how Uncle Donnie d*ed?

Spiders... 14 brown recluses seized on his elbow.

They said they've never seen spiders work in tandem like that to take down a mammal so large.

Who was they?

It was an EMT, paramedics, couple guys from Friendly's who just happened to be going down the street.

Yeah. Separately...

His lips were ripped off. He said he put a shop-vac up to his mouth just to see what would happen.

Kay.

Closed casket.

Sorry I asked.

All right, we only have 45 minutes.

Where's Tina?

She's in Hartford buying a special raincoat For Rene.

That's insane.

Are you sure that she's not going to come home early like she did that other time?

I'm tracking her on my phone.

That's smart.

Yeah, should we just get to it?

Are you ready for it?

Oh, I'm ready for it, honey? I'm ready.

I just gotta get my hands on those sweet little cheeks!

[giggles]

Hello, my sweetheart! Did you miss Uncle Mark, honey?

Oh, my gosh, look at you!

She's completely different in a week!

I know we just started her on solid food.

I'm gonna get some solid food right now, 'cause I'm gonna eat these toesies I'm gonna eat these toesies and I'm gonna eat these armsies.

[silly sound] What do you think of that?

Look at you, you beautiful thing There's your toy!

I want to go on the record again and say I don't like all this sneaking around.

Right, but what are we supposed to do?

I mean, I gotta get my hands on this chubby face.

Yeah, but Mark it is gonna come out, and when it does, it's gonna be ugly.

I think we should tell them.

No, no, no, no, no, no, Tina's got the dog, and we've got this weekly date night thing that we're doing, which is going terribly so far, but I've got high hopes.

I just don't want to rock the boat, all right?

Talk to your wife, man.

Talk to your wife!

What? Tina's the one that started it.

What, are you afraid of her?

She's 5'3".

I'm not afraid of her.

[beeping] Oh, my God, she's on the move!

Okay, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

I don't have the constitution for this.

You gotta go. Go, Maggie, go, go, go, go.

Hey, hey, hey!

Don't rush me and don't rush my baby.

Now, Charlotte, one of these days, I'm gonna pass down the secrets of the sauce to you.

I was gonna share it with your mother, but she's not officially a Caruso anymore, because numb-nuts here screwed it up.

Ma, everyone agrees we're in a better place now.

Yeah, we do.

Okay, I have an important announcement to make.

Mr. Kooky has gone missing. Who has seen him?

Maggie?

Well, did you check his keeping basket?

Of course I checked his keeping basket.

That's where he lives.

Mags, we gotta find him.

Char-Bar won't sleep without him.

Be a real tragedy if we lose Mr. Kooky.

Really like that guy.

Okay, hey, Mags! Enough with the tomatoes!

I need you to retrace your steps.

Was he with you when you went to Mommy and Me?

I don't know, I mean, I guess I had him when I went to...

Oh, no. I know where Mr. Kooky is.

And you're not gonna like it one bit.

And we are here.

What?

Well, this is rich.

Mr. Kooky is trapped in Bird Bones' house?

Yeah, well I knew if I told you I was hanging out with Mark, you would lose your mind.

Oh, wow, you know, you live with someone and you think you know them.

This is just like Gone Girl.

No, it isn't. You haven't seen that movie.

Yeah, but everybody's hiding something and Ben Affleck k*lled that woman, and Doogie Howser's there... he's up to no good.

Okay, listen, I'm not going to stop hanging out with one of my oldest friends in the whole world because his wife is losing her mind, okay?

So we'll just get inside, we'll get Mr. Kooky, and then we'll get on the get.

What are you talking about?

We're gonna knock on the door and go, "H, Birdones. Can we have our puppet back?

No, they're on date night.

What, Maggie?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're not suggesting we break into their house because that's what crazy people do.

We don't have to break in.

[beeps]

Oh, well, I for one am not gonna sully my hands with the dirty crimes of your heart.

Okay, sure.

I feel just like Keyser Soze.

You haven't seen that one either.

Yeah, I have, I have.

Really, what happens?

Kevin Spacey bustin' perps and taking names.

He's not a cop.

And people are giving cash to everybody.

He's a criminal, remember?

He reads off the bottom of the coffee cup?

I'm not breaking into their house.

That's insane!

So, you don't want to go inside the home of your most mortal of enemies?

She got a new farmhouse sink with a hands-free faucet.

Well, maybe just one little peek.

[suspenseful music]

Oh, my God.

He has 44 m*rder She Wrotes in various stages of being watched.

If that is not a cry for help, Mags, I don't know what is.

Your fingerprints are going to be all over that remote.

Oh, your fingerprints are all over everything!

Okay, get over it and help me find Mr. Kooky.

Fine.

Wait, did you bring a snack?

No, I got it from the pantry.

You can't eat their snack!

No!

You can't eat their snacks!

[gibberish] Hey, no, ma'am.

I will fry this!

Ow, those are my fingers!

This is the best granola bar I have ever had.

[growls]

Put it in there!

All right, you made this choice.

I'm gonna stand here and watch you chew it.

[heavy panting]

Do you hear that?

[panting]

[tense music]

♪ ♪

Rene.

[energetic music]

All right, where's your beef steaks?

Right here, Ma. Chopped just like you like 'em.

Okay.

There's the yellow beefies.

Yeah.

Not bad.

Thanks, Ma. Make me nervous when you start giving me compliments.

Kinda makes me feel like the other shoe's about to drop.

Hand me the strainer.

What, why?

'Cause I'm gonna check the sauce for chunks.

I already checked, Ma.

I checked three times for chunks.

Well then you got nothing to worry about.

[scraping]

[gasps] What's this?

It's chunks, Ma. Multiple chunks.

[sighs] I ask you to do one thing.

One thing! No chunks, don't cheat on your wife, and lock the spider box!

One thing!

Rene!

Rene!

Give us Mr. Kooky and you go home free.

Give it to me you little sh...

[shouts French]

Don't say that!

It just means "drop it."

Oh, maybe he is French.

Yeah, I guess so.

[door shuts]

Tina: I don't want to talk about it.

Bruce: What did I do this time?

[Rene growls]

[whispers] Closet, get in the closet!

[gasps] Oh, my God!

[harp music plays]

Oh, my God.

What is this sweet paradise we have stumbled upon?

I wanna live here forever.

Tina: So insensitive.

Bruce: How, what?

Shh, shh, shh.

I can't believe you would order that when you know that I'm lactose intolerant.

You're not lactose intolerant all the time!

Yes, I am!

But sometimes I come in here and you're eating a bunch of Go-Gurts.

That is besides the point.

Tina, you know what? You didn't need to eat it!

You know I always take a bite off of yours.

It tastes sweeter off your plate.

You're right, babe. Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. It was, uh... I should have thought ahead.

Come on, why are you giving in?

He never apologized to me ever.

I've just been a little on edge since we ran into Maggie and Emma the other day.

I get it, I get it.

Oh, my God. Didn't they look so tired.

[gasps] Excuse me?

Just had a baby, bitch.

Well, we probably should cut 'em some slack.

They just had a baby.

both: Thank you.

They just had a baby? No, Maggie just had a baby.

What's Emma's excuse for those ten extra pounds?

[muffled scream]

It's okay, It's okay.

Huh.

Didn't you think so?

I-I really... I really wasn't looking.

You were there and you saw her.

No, I wasn't looking at faces.

Just only feet.

Well, her feet looked fat, right?

I guess... that her feet looked fat.

Let me out of here!

Don't do that.

Speaking of fat feet, whis Rene?

[babbles in French]

Yeah, where are you, Rene?

[babbles in French]

Rene! Rene!

Rene, you little assh*le.

Get out of here.

both: Get out of here!

[sighs] Oh-Oh, come to mommy!

[tranquil guitar music]

♪ ♪

Oh, baby, dropped your toy.

There you go, butter fingers?

Yeah, I love you.

[sighs] Brucie.

You know why I'm hard on you?

'Cause I always yell out the wrong answers during wheel.

No! Shut up.

I'm your mom, and being a parent is a lot like making the perfect sauce.

You gotta squeeze the tomato and find out the good stuff that's inside 'em?

You understand what I'm saying?

No.

[sighs] You're a good son, a lousy husband and an amazing father.

Now hand me the oregano.

What are you doing?

I was going in for a hug, Ma!

You're coming at me with an open mouth!

It's my hug mouth!

Well, I get enough of that at bingo.

Thank you very much.

[suspenseful music]

It's clear.

Okay.

♪ ♪

[creaking]

What! [yelps]

Hello.

Hello, old friend.

What the...

We're in your house.

What are you doing in my house?

Calm down, we can explain.

We broke in to get Mr. Kooky, okay?

How long have you been here?

Long enough to here you say some very nasty things about us.

Yeah.

[whispering] Y'all get out of my house.

We're going, if we can fit our fat feet through the door.

Yeah!

Tina: Oh, Mark!

Go, go, go, go, go. Go, go, go, go, go, go.

It's go time! This is go time!

Tina: Oh, Mark!

I though you might want some dessert.

What? What do you mean?

You wanna go out for some sherbet.

Like some purple sherbet.

No, my body. My body is the dessert.

You're body, today. Uh, ha.

And I wanna have it...

Not downstairs.

Downstairs.

Oh, we're gonna hear them have sex with each other.

I don't want this to happen.

♪ Girl ♪
♪ You know I want to do it upstairs ♪
♪ I wanna take your body upstairs ♪

Well, I... ♪ I want to do it downstairs ♪
♪ I really want to do it for sure ♪
♪ But I need to do it upstairs ♪

I want to do it downstairs.

♪ So we are gonna do it downstairs ♪

And I am gonna bend over for you right here so we can...

Hi!

Don't mind us.

[screams]

Tina! Don't freak out.

What?

What?

Okay, hey, hey, hey!

We can explain everything.

We just need you to stop screaming like a bird.

What... are you doing... in my house?

Good question.

Um, well, Mark and I have been secretly hanging out.

Oh, that's gonna smart.

What!

Okay, let her finish. Let her finish.

So he can see baby Charlotte and the last time I was here I left Mr. Kooky, which is her favorite puppet, Yeah.

She needs it to sleep.

You are not taking that puppet.

He belongs to Rene, now!

Okay, but we have to have it.

No, Charlotte can't sleep without it.

But I am not gonna punish Rene because your baby is a coward.

[gasps]

Tina.

You give me that puppet!

No!

[all screaming] Ladies, ladies.

Stop, girls! Enough!

All three of you sit down right now and listen to me for a hot minute.

You are acting crazy, do you hear me?

It's crazy-acting!

We are gonna let it all out, okay?

We're gonna open it all up, because there has been a whole bunch of just secrets and lies and video tape and all kinds of mess just straight happening up in here.

Okay, I think you need to take it down a notch...

But we're not gonna, because it's my house and I'm gonna keep it at 11!

Duly noted.

I haven't done anything wrong.

Tina, everybody has.

Okay? Everybody.

So, what we're gonna do is we're gonna go around and we're all gonna say what we did wrong.

That sounds unpleasant.

Maggie and Emma.

Did you break into my house to steal back a puppet, and is that weird?

Extremely weird.

It's weird.

Thank you. Mark!

Did you go behind Tina's back so you could get your hands on them sweet, sweet cheeks of Maggie's baby?

Affirmative.

So sweet.

Tina, were you and I having problems before Emma came to town?

Yes.

So could all of our problems be her fault?

I guess not.

All right.

Can I say something.

Oh sh...

Tina, it must have been really hard for you when I moved back to Pinebrook, and I should have been more considerate of that.

So... I'm sorry.

It was really hard.

I struggle with jealousy... and rage.

All right, you guys wanna hug it out?

Yes.

Let's hug it out, right?

Okay.

I'm proud of you, ladies.

Oh.

All right.

Thank you.

Okay.

And you guys can take Mr. Kooky home if you want.

I'll just get a new toy for Rene.

[giggles]

[country rock]

You know what? I think we're good.

Yeah, we're good.

Hey, hey, hey! I'm so sorry!

Shh, shh, shh, she's asleep. Don't wake her up.

What are you talking about?

How'd you get her to sleep without Mr. Kooky?

You know what?

I like to do things my own way in that regard.

It's kinda like making a good sauce.

Well, what did you do?

Just brought her in there.

Put her in the crib, told her she's the love of my life, turned out the lights.

She went to sleep.

Wait a second.

How long did she cry?

Zero minutes.

Oh, and that weird guy from the photo studio came by.

He dropped something off. I hung it up for you.

Oh, God, no.

He is not a good photographer.

Well, at least Charlotte looks cute, so that's the good news.

Says you guys made it up on the wall at the studio.

Wait, what?

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Oh, man.

Are you crying?

Okay. Okay.

Well, we're a family.

I know.

We're up on the wall. That means we're a family.

We're real...

I know.

We're a real-life human family.

Okay, okay. I can feel you breathing.

Get in here.

I'm sorry. This is awkward otherwise...

You are the banana.

Yeah.

That guy knows where we live?