02x02 - Sleepless in Pinebrook

[bunniefuu]

Emma: What do you think?

Can I pull off a bandeau top?

You think I have the upper arms for it?

[giggles]

You're very sweet.

Hey, guys.

Hey! How was that nap?

Good. I feel quite unsettled.

Really?

I had a weird dream.

Oh. Where your teeth turned to peanuts?

No. It was me and the Property Brothers.

Oh! Drew and Jonathan?

Did they redo our kitchen?

No.

No, it wasn't what you see on HGTV.

It was much more, um... sexual.

I am gonna need to know everything.

Not in front of the baby.

Why? She can't understand anything we're saying.

She absolutely can!

Dr. Rivera said she's ahead of every milestone.

Of course she is.

She might not be able to say it back to us, but she totally understands us.

Right, Char?

[giggles]

See?

Okay.

Then just use other words for it.

Okay, um... they took off, um... my tarp?

Yeah... there was no... carpet?

Even though there is carpet in real life.

Interesting.

And then they took out their... yardsticks and, um...

Yeah?

Measured me.

Oh. They measured you?

Both of them measured you?

Yeah.

From different angles.

Different angles?

At the same time?

Yes. Yes.

Did you enjoy that?

Of course I enjoyed it!

Who doesn't want to be measured from different angles by the Property Brothers?

Wait. Where was I at the time?

You came in about mid-stream and started telling me how to do it better.

But that was helpful, right?

Not really.

Oh, that's upsetting.

Why didn't you just tell me to stop?

I did. I said, "Shut up," and you just kept going.

Hmm. That's not like me in real life at all.

Mm.

Wow!

You know what this means.

What?

You... your body, your mind is telling you that it's time.

Time for what?

Time to get that body worked, and I'm gonna find a guy to do it.

No.

I accept this challenge, madam.

No, not interested.

And I do agree... we need to rethink that carpet.

Maybe go full Spanish tile?

Ha ha. Never.

A little runner?

No.

Low pile?

I prefer full shag, thank you very much.

Ugh!

You never have to look at it if you don't want to.

But knowing that it's there makes me uncomfortable.

[Back Before We Were Brittle by Say Hi]

♪ Hey, remember when ♪
♪ All of time stood still ♪
♪ Ooh, do do do do ♪
♪ Back before we were brittle ♪
♪ Back before we were brittle ♪

Are you going to use your spoon?

Look who it is... it's Mommy!

I have two waffles with extra whip and a side of bacon for you, Z.

Oh, I am loving you in this apron.

Thank you.

Could we do that again, but could you turn your body this way?

Okay.

But then cock your head to the side... yep... with a slight open mouth large enough for a Thin Mint.

That's... oh, that's good!

Perfect!

What's going on?

Oh, it's for your Tinder profile.

You said you wanted to get your body worked.

No, I never said that. You said that.

She had sex with the Property Brothers.

What? Way to go, Magpie!

Go on with your nasty self.

No. It was in a dream.

My fantasies tend more towards Geena Davis and her brother Dennis.

I knew it was gonna be disturbing the moment it came out of your mouth, and it was.

Now, what is Tinder?

Is that where a bunch of people get together and give each other soft touches?

No, Grandma. It's an online dating app that matches you up with single guys in your area.

Okay, well, I already know everyone in this area.

Can you just check it out, please?

Oh, see, that guy I know from show choir.

This guy taught me Driver's Ed.

Cute. Oh, that's why he looked familiar.

And then that guy... no, no, no.

I got a vibe from him.

He's married.

Is that a bad thing?

Yes, it's a bad thing!

I don't know.

No, no, no, when I fall in love, it's just gonna happen like... I don't know, like in a Tom Hanks movie.

Oh, is that right?

We'll be competing bookstore owners, who hate each other on the street but over email we fall in love.

Maybe you'll be a mermaid, and he'll hide you in his tub.

That's real creepy.

Or I'll be Houston, and he'll have a real problem.

Okay, that is not how people meet, all right?

Plus, Tom Hanks only makes movies about World w*r II now.

It's like, we won. Get over it.

You know what I mean?

That's why you gotta hold on to the Hanks of your dreams.

The Hanks of your dreams?

Yeah, like he's tough but he's sweet, but he has a dog.

He also has a beautiful singing voice for harmony.

And he can make you laugh while he's wearing a sweater.

All right.

If you do want to go on a Tinder date, Bruce and I would love to take care of Charlotte.

We've been trying to get in some good Dunkle time.

I'm sorry... "Dunkle time"?

Dunkle. Dad plus uncle.

It's a thing.

No, it isn't.

Hashtag Dunkle time?

No.

America runs on Dunkle?

What?

It's like the song.

What song?

Dunkle Breaking my Heart.

That's not the song.

I have heard that one.

That's Elton John and Kiki Dunkle.

Get outta here, both of you.

[chuckling]

Well, I had to sing Landslide five times, but I finally got her to go down.

Oh, my God!

What... what... what is happening in here?

So nice of you to join... all of us.

It looks like a serial k*ller's basement in here.

You said you didn't want to go online, so I brought online to you.

By the way, we're out of toner.

Hey, I told you I didn't want to meet a guy this way.

Okay, fine, fine, fine, but just so you know... all of these men said yes... to you.

All of them?

Take a walk with me. I expanded our search to outside the greater Pinebrook area.

And I've grouped the men into categories of what might interest you.

Every single one of these guys said yes to me?

Every single one.

We've got our single dads...

Ooh!

Kind eyes, right?

We got our widowers. That's a sad story, but we could turn that around.

Ooh, and your "balding but owning its".

Ooh!

'Cause I know you love a bald man.

Oh, my God, he's handsome. He's got a beard.

Oh, there's a whole bearded section.

[gasps] Shut your face!

I won't!

Oh, my God, Emma!

This is crazy!

Yeah. Crazy awesome.

What do you say?

Okay. Okay, I'll give you one night, and you can just pick the best one, and then I'll go on a date with him.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, yes!

Stella, we are gonna get your groove back.

You never saw that movie.

I don't like beach movies.

[Paula Abdul's Straight Up]

♪ Straight up, now tell me do you really want to ♪
♪ Love me forever, oh oh oh ♪
♪ Or am I caught in a hit and run ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Straight up, now tell me is it gonna be ♪
♪ You and me together, Oh oh oh ♪

Oh, get it, girl!

Oh!

Somebody's excited.

I'm just trying to psych myself up, you know?

I mean, it's been a while since I went on a date.

The last one was with Bruce, and that was just mostly skeeball and fried dough.

That actually sounds very good.

Well, let me say you look phenomenal!

Thank you.

Top to bottom!

Where did you get these jeans?

Oh, these are just my Pea in the Pod.

No, no, no. These are pregnancy jeans?

Yeah. That's why they fit so good.

No, you cannot wear pregnancy jeans.

What?

You're no longer pregnant.

It goes off your body.

Nothing else fits, though.

Oh, my God, what about these?

Those are cute.

No, they don't fit.

What about this?

They don't fit.

Okay.

None of them fit.

I have a muffin top.

Put these on right now.

No, I'm not putting those on.

Just put these on!

I'm not putting them on!

I'm taking those jeans off your body.

Wait, what...

I'm taking them off!

No, you're not.

I got the panel. You'll never get 'em free.

I don't care what I touch.

Hey! Hey!

Oh, my God!

[gasps]

That was a straight up nipple!

What am I feeling right now?

My nipple?

Are you wearing... a nursing bra?

Yeah. 'Cause I'm nursing.

What are you gonna do if things get hot and heavy?

Easy access. Want a boob?

Flop, there it is.

Flop, there it is?

Yeah.

Nobody wants that.

Well, I don't know why not.

'Cause these things are bigger than they've ever been, and I'm proud because they're filled with life-giving milk.

Nuh-uh. You are wearing one of my bras, and I do not wanna hear human milk mentioned one time tonight.

Okay, well, that's just like 75% of my life right now, so milk, milk, milk.

Stop it.

Human milk.

Stop saying it.

What about milk, though?

Don't push me.

Oh, delicious, sweet milk.

Okay.

All right, we gotta get you buckled in tight, baby C, because the Dunkles are gonna take you on the adventure... of a lifetime!

[chuckles]

Our watchword this evening is... sophistication.

And for our first course, les carrottes tendues.

Zach, buddy, she can't even say dada yet.

I don't think she's gonna talk Spanish.

Bruce, babies are just tiny adults, right?

With unfinished bodies.

I refuse to talk down to them.

N'est-ce pas, my petite genie?

Tiny genie. I like that.

Okay, guys, so we're gonna head out...

[comical horn sound] Ow-ooh-ga!

If I weren't your brother, I'd find you very attractive, but there's no... I feel nothing.

Okay. She looks great.

Now, Maggie is not to be bothered tonight, so if there are any problems, you call me.

Don't worry... the Dunkles have it under control.

Hey, baby girl, wish your mama luck, okay?

'Cause I'm gonna have to be like...

Ooh!

Mm...

You like what you see?

Ooh!

Emma: You wanna taste this?

'Cause she's Smuckers! It's made to impress!

I apologize for this bawdy display, Charlotte.

[both laugh]

[baby babbles]

[pop music playing]

I know, I've met so many weirdoes.

[laughing] I know, right?

I'm just glad that you're not my Driver's Ed teacher.

Well, I am gonna need to see you parallel park.

[both laugh]

Oh, well, I'm happy to do that.

So, Maggie...

Yeah.

Do you... like to party?

You like to have fun?

All right, that's it. Date's over.

Maggie: Wait... why?

Because by "party," he means cocaine, and by "fun," he means having sex with multiple people.

That is not what he means.

That is what I mean.

Oh, God, get outta here.

Get outta here, man.

So that's a no.

Go. Maggie, I am so sorry about that.

What do you think he meant by parallel park?

It's when I grease up my thighs...

[both scream] And use my fingers to...

both: No, no...

Side by side...

Be on your way, sir. Be on your way!

That guy was awful!

I know, I know, but he was just a warm-up, okay?

Now, have some of this Gingy...

All right, that's enough. That's enough.

You gotta pace yourself.

You got eight to ten more guys coming.

Wait... what? I said one guy.

No, you said one night of plaisair...

Okay, I would never say plaisair.

All right, well, I got a whole batch of hot bachelors coming, so I want you to get ready, all right?

Okay, fine, but will you just sit a little further away for the next one?

Why? Oh, was I making you uncomfortable? Were you judging yourself?

No, it's just... every time there's a silence, your breath fills it.

What do you mean?

You breathe really loud.

I don't breathe loud.

Yeah, you do.

This is me breathing normally... hah...

That is so loud!

That's not loud.

That is crazy loud, man!

[exhales] All right, well, fine...

What? That was it?

Yeah.

Okay, fine. I'll sit at the bar.

Great. Thank you.

Hah...

Milk!

Hah...

Milk.

[whistling]

Miss Charlotte, prepare yourself, for tonight we go on a literary expedition. For story time this evening, you have a choice. We could read Moby-d*ck... a riveting tale of vengeance and obsession and exploration of mid-19th century whaling practices. Or we could dive into James Joyce's A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. Now, this is a much more dense and challenging narrative, but I find it worth the struggle. Or you could watch a matinee showing of Fartsterpiece Theater!

Pfffttt, pffftt, pff...

Bruce, no. No, no, no.

Don't let her tiny baby body deceive you.

Speak not to her cherubic little cheeks.

Speak to her inquisitive mind.

Come on, man. Everybody loves farts.

Oh, weally, Bwuce?

Bwucey loves fwatuwence?

Why are you talking to me like that?

Exactly. It's patronizing.

Huh? Ah.

It appears the lady's made her choice.

And so we venture into the deep.

Pffft!

Bruce, no. No.

[rock music playing]

[sighs]

Hey, sorry I'm late.

So what's your deal?

You just gonna have a jam sesh here on this date?

No, no, my recording session just ran a little bit long, and, you know, I couldn't just leave it on my motorcycle, so I brought it in.

I'm sorry, wait. You ride a hog?

Yeah.

That's pretty cool.

What kind of music do you play?

Mostly bluegrass, country, you know.

Have you ever heard of the Apple Dumpling g*ng?

Actually, Rondo's teaching me how to play banjo.

Shut your face!

Okay, but it's true, though.

God, I can't believe that you know Rondo.

They're like my favorite band of all time.

I love those guys.

Oh, my God.

What a small world.

You know what?

What?

You should meet our waitress Rosanna.

She's learning to play the mandolin, she has the voice of an angel, and she rides a Harley.

Rosanna? Come here for a second.

[laughs] I want you to meet Carlos.

Carlos knows Rondo.

Shut your face!

Why do y'all keep saying that?

[laughter]

Excuse me for just one second.

Okay, excuse us.

What the hell are you doing?

What?

[whispering] What? They're perfect for each other.

I did not wrestle you out of your pregnancy jeans to get Rosanna's body worked!

I thought she would hit it off with him.

Well, you're hitting it off with him.

Oh, no.

Well, maybe we can save it.

♪ There's a song the sigh of the weary ♪
♪ Hard times, hard times ♪
♪ Come again no more ♪

Beautiful, isn't it?

Shut up.

♪ Many days you've lingered ♪
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪
♪ Around my cabin door ♪
♪ Ooh ooh ♪

[classical music plays]

Gotta hand it to you, Zach.

Char really loved that book.

Well, we only read the first five pages.

Sorry I fell asleep.

That's okay.

The classics aren't for everyone.

Oh...

If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go cue up her night music.

Chopin or Beethoven?

Definitely Beethoven.

I love that dog!

Ooh, look at that serious face.

So serious. Why are you so serious?

Wait. Why are you so serious?

Oh, God, no.

[weakly] Zach.

[whimpering] Z-Zach?

Oh, mon dieu!

Why?

I really need you, buddy.

All right. Charlotte, this is a totally natural part of life's process...

[gags]

It's all right. Don't worry about it.

It's totally normal to...

[gagging]

[strained laugh]

Uhh...

No, no, no, no.

[gags] I'm sorry, Charlotte.

You're a beautiful creature, but your bowels are like the Devil's pipes.

You gotta get it together, man, and get me out of here.

We have to burn this house to the ground.

What?

We have to burn this house to the ground!

[both laughing]

My son came into the living room th o of the glue sticks, the glitter kind.

Oh, yeah, glitter glue. Huge fan.

Yeah. It was, uh... empty.

Wait. Oh, no!

Whoa! That is a mystery you do not wanna solve.

There's no good ending to that story.

Oh, no.

I cannot even imagine Charlotte being a year old.

It seems like just yesterday she was this tiny little nugget, and now she's up and, like, experiencing life, you know?

It's just so amazing.

And her smile... oh, my God, her smile, just like takes me to another place.

The smile really does it to me.

Uh, Maggie, you... you have a...

Oh, my God, do I have something in my teeth?

No.

Is it calamari?

'Cause I've been eating a sh*t ton of squid.

Yeah, not your teeth. [quietly] Not your teeth.

Oh, my God...

[laughing] Oh, my God.

Would you look at that? You know what it is.

I was talking about my daughter, and so human milk began excreting from my breasts as it does.

I'm not wearing my regs bra, and here I am in this situation.

So I'm gonna excuse myself, dear friend.

It's okay.

[dryer humming]

[loudly] It's not working.

Don't get it too close to your areolas. I don't want them to burn.

This is the worst!

Okay, you know what?

So you excreted human milk on a first date.

We've all been there.

You haven't.

Yet.

Hopefully it will someday.

What am I gonna do?

You know what?

I'm gonna give you my shirt, you give me yours.

And then you'll just go back out there and pretend that nothing happened.

Men are stupid. They don't notice shirts.

You know, they're looking here.

That's where a shirt is.

Yeah.

But they're looking at what's underneath and they're thinking, "How can I get my hands on it?"

What?

I think I'm gonna go home.

No, no, no, no, no! We were doing so good!

No, we're not doing good.

We're half-naked in a public bathroom.

Hold on one second before you make that call, because our next guy, he's from New Haven, is an architect, and he's just rescued two miniature Schnauzers!

You know what, if Tom Hanks himself walked in here, I don't think I'd be interested.

I know, but Maggie, he has a boat.

I don't care. I'm not ready.

I'm not ready.

I got really excited, but then I got here, and it was super-weird, and all I can think about is Charlotte.

I'm sorry. I feel like I was pushing you like a straight up pimp.

You know, it's actually kind of nice to know that when I am ready to get my body worked, there's gonna be a whole bunch of weirdoes ready to knock my door down.

All right, let me go get my bag, and we'll just get outta here, okay?

No, no, no, hey, I think I heard something about an architect.

Maggie...

Maybe you should stay.

Are you sure?

You always wanted to see a whale, baby girl.

I do look good in a beachy wave.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You stay here, I'm gonna go crash on the couch with Char-Bar and good old Sleepless in Seattle.

Okay. Well, let me just make sure he's really my type.

Ooh! He is cute.

He does have good teeth, which is a thing for me.

You know what? Okay, I'm gonna do it, but you know what, I should change my shirt, because there's ba... and there's milk...

Maggie?

Hi. Are you the architect?

Yes, I am.

Oh.

I guess we're a match.

Yeah, I guess so.

So, uh... you like to party?

Like to have fun?

No! [sighs]

Hey.

Oh, thank the sweet lord you're home.

Wait, what's wrong? Is everything okay?

Well...

Hi!

What was supposed to be a night of sophistication ended with rubber gloves and bleach and utter chaos.

She poop all over you?

Yeah.

Happens to us every day.

Well...

God bless you. And keep you.

Because even with my doula training, I was ill-prepared.

Okay.

Hello, Maggie.

The most horrible dream.

There's this white whale in this tub, and then Captain Ahab was...

No, Bruce, that was not a dream.

That was a living nightmare.

So much brown water...

I know, I know. Come on.

I thought the Dunkles had everything under control.

No, speak not of the Dunkles.

Like Ahab himself, we were overwhelmed by a dark tide.

Fair enough. All right, "P", Dunkles.

Hey. Wanna send Aunt... Let's send Aunt Emma a pic.

What do you think?

[click] Oh!

[babbles]

Yeah!

Ooh... oh!

Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry.

Oh, my gosh... no.

Are you okay?

I am. Are you okay?

Yeah. I mean, this is...

I'm...

[laughing]

Here you go.

I'm so sorry.

No, I wasn't paying attention.

No, I was less paying attention.

I'm sorry, did I ruin all your bread?

I-I didn't like this batch anyway.

I'm so... I'm so sorry.

I-I-I have... tons of bread at my house.

Of course you do.

That makes me sound like a crazy person.

No, please.

I'm covered in my friend's human milk, so...

You got me b*at on that.

I'm sorry, I don't even know you.

I don't need to get into the dirty deets.

Actually, I wish you would, 'cause, to be honest, I have so many questions.

I'm Dan, by the way.

Oh, uh, Maggie. I mean, no, Emma.

I'm sorry. This is Maggie's milk.

Okay.

I don't need to keep referring to these, but...

I'm trying to...

I'm imagining it's here or up here...

I'm just digging myself a hole.

I'm gonna stop talking.

Would you like to go out with me sometime?

Uh, yeah, sure.

I would love that.

Okay, great.

Will there be bread?

Love that movie.

Yeah, see, I don't normally just walk around with bread.

Oh, don't say that. I love bread.

That's the only reason I'm still talking to you.

I just hope like a croissant doesn't fall out or anything...

Yeah, I have lots of croissants in there, then I drop it down, and I trick, women into talking to me.

Well, it worked. It worked.

[harp music]

Drew? Jonathan?

What are you doing here?

We're here to remake your body.

You're worth a lot more than you think, Maggie Caruso.

Wh we're done with you, you'll be the hottest property on the market.

Oh!

Mm...

[harp music continues]

♪ ♪

Oh... ohh!

Emma: You gotta love a man in a plaid shirt. [TV in background]

Bricks up the wall.

I like it.

Andrew and Leslie want a move-in ready home with everything on their wish list.

This trendy, traditional...

Mags, isn't this screen amazing?

Look at Jonathan's hazel brown eyes.

I feel like they're right here in the room with us.

We are right here in the room with you.

And we can install California closets in every room of your house.

Oh, my God.

Now, let's get both of you down to the studs.

Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.

Oh... Drew... that is just about right.

That's just the easy stuff. You can get yourself...

I'm gonna get you down to the studs.

Tell Jonathan and Drew I say hello.

Mm.