02x03 - Cashmere Burka

[bunniefuu]

This is phenomenal.

Do you really like it? Just give it.

I'll do another rewrite.

No, no, no, no, I wouldn't change a word.

Maggie, don't blow smoke up my ass.

I'm already in the chimney.

Ugh, Mom, why are you in our living room?

What are you doing in your pajamas?

It's 2:30 in the afternoon.

I'll have you know that I am not in my pajamas.

These are my workout clothes that I slept in.

Now what are you two besties canoodling about?

Your mother wrote the most amazing play.

It's called Cashmere Burka, and it is a tour de force.

Emma: Cashmere Burka?

What's it about, a J.Crew opening in Afghanistan?

It's a metaphor, About the awakening of a woman Who's been trapped by luxury her entire life.

I like to think of it as part of my "Gwennaissance."

Yes, we're putting it up at the JCC.

And Maggie has done me the great honor of agreeing to direct.

Oh, my God, you have honored me by asking.

Oh, oh, the honor is mine, Maggie.

This is so gross, what is happening right now.

Just so you know. Get a room.

Okay, let's see this.

Okay, why does it say it's written by Nell Carter?

Yes, that's my nom de plume.

I thought it was Phylicia Rashad.

It's not the right time for that name anymore.

Well, just so you know, Nell Carter is also a real person.

Oh, give me a break.

Yes, that was the TV show she was on.

Who?

Nell Carter.

I was never on a show.

Ugh, never mind.

You know, Emma, I was actually thinking of you For the part of the young Glenn.

Uh, I'm sorry, slow your roll.

You want me to play a younger version of my mom?

I don't think so.

That is not a good idea.

Don't worry about it. I'll just ask Tina.

[gasps] The bird woman?

Maggie, you can't give it to Bird Bones!

She is made of tissue paper.

The stage lights would shine right through her.

I demand that you play the role.

And I demand that you give it to me.

Well, then I guess I have no choice.

Okay, I see what you did just there.

Who, me? I'm just directing a play.

And scene.

[Back Before We Were Brittle by Say Hi]

♪ Hey, remember when ♪
♪ All of time stood still ♪
♪ Ooh, do do do do ♪
♪ Back before we were brittle ♪
♪ Back before we were brittle ♪

Welcome to our first rehearsal.

God, I am so excited to be back With another season of the Pinebrook Players.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah.

We are very excited to have this year's play, Cashmere Burka, written by Nell Carter, AKA Gwen Crawford.

So, we're just gonna dive in and...

I just want to say a few words.

Okay, yeah.

When I began this journey, It never dawned on me that we would be here in the Jewish Community Center.

I always thought it would be a bigger stage, like Broadway or The West End or some theater in Hartford, But here we are.

Through your voices, I am finally going to be able to hear my own.

Shall we embrace?

[chuckles]

Okay, are we done with the snuggles?

Um... let's grab our scripts and just, you know, hop...

Hop up on stage.

[clears throat]

Got your hands full with that one, huh?

Little dramatic, don't you think?

Nah, she's just, you know, feeling nervous.

All right, well, just be warned, a storm is a-comin'.

Okay, I think I got it under control, but thank you.

Hurricane Gwen is a-comin', And you're the one that's gonna get "whet."

Don't say "whet."

Whet.

Whet?

Whet. Oh, that reminds me, I gotta pee.

I'm gonna take a five, okay? Take a five, everybody.

No, no, no, no, we're not taking five.

Mark, my knight in shining armor.

Oh, thank you.

Maggie! Maggie, Maggie.

Meet Mark. He's gonna be doing our sets.

Yes, I know Mark. Thank you for doing this again.

Any excuse to get my Bob Vila on.

Hey, what's up with that weird turtleneck?

It's from Tina.

She wants me to try different necklines.

So, that's what we're doing.

Excuse me, Mark.

Mm-hmm.

Did you get the renovated plans?

Renovated plans? No, no, no.

I'm already half done with the set.

Well, you're gonna have to rip it down.

I need a bay window.

Do you know how difficult that is to build?

There's a lapdog soliloquy that necessitates it.

Maggie, I can't just whip up a bay window.

What would Vila do?

He would make it work.

[playful music]

There's a man in here!

Oh, sorry.

There's a man in the ladies' room.

No, I'm sorry, I'll just...

Wait, Emma?

Dan?

What are you doing in the ladies' room?

I'm a rabbi.

A rabbi? Really?

Yeah.

Full-on rabbi.

Yeah.

So wait, I'm sorry, then why are you in here, though, in the ladies' room?

Sometimes we rabbis help out at the JCC.

Okay, that makes sense.

Yeah. So what about you?

Are you just walking around Jewish bathrooms all day?

Actually, I just had to pee.

Oh, I should let you get to that.

Okay.

Okay, sorry.

Well, it was good to... Very good to see you.

Good to see you too. It was great.

You're looking great.

Okay.

Hey, you know what. Do you still wanna go out?

Yeah, I would love that.

How about tonight? I can pick you up right here.

Not right here. I mean, in...

Maybe in this stall.

Sure.

Out there, yeah.

That sounds great.

Great.

Well, good to see you.

I actually do really have to pee.

So I'm just gonna...

Get to it.

Here, you know what, you might need...

Oh, thank you.

In case... I'm sorry.

Come on.

Ma, she's gonna be my wife whether you like it or not.

You're giving me a one-way ticket to Palookaville.

All right, great. I'm gonna stop you there.

You know what I was thinking?

Maybe we just do a little less Brando.

Why would I do that?

Brando's the greatest actor who ever lived.

Yeah, yeah, but maybe you just hide him deep inside So that no one can hear the way that he speaks or sounds.

Okay, yeah. That's a good note.

Thank you.

Hey, Maggie, Maggie, You're not gonna believe who I just ran into in the ladies' room.

Who?

Breadman Dan.

What? What was he doing at the JCC?

He's a rabbi.

Breadman Dan is Rabbi Dan?

Yep, and I've always had that dream of being lifted up...

On a chair at your wedding. I'm aware, I'm aware.

Yes! Yes!

Gwen: Ladies!

Did someone call a ten?

Um, why don't we take it from the "Nantucket Never You Mind" speech.

Do you have any questions about the text?

Oh, was I supposed to read it?

Just get onstage.

Okay.

Oh, tight hammies.

Can I borrow that? Thank you so much.

Unbelievable!

[both laughing]

I don't know, I just...

What?

I think it's crazy that you're a rabbi.

Yeah? Why?

I don't know, you just don't meet many young, hot rabbis.

Kinda picture 'em more like old fat guys, like Harvey Fierstein.

Sure, yeah. Well, we set the bar there, So that I can just skip right above him.

Full disclosure, most of what I know about Judaism, I learned from a seventh-grade production of Fiddler on the Roof.

And he's not even a rabbi.

Wait, what is he?

He's a fiddler.

Well, that changes everything.

I know.

By the way, there's plenty of time for me to become that big fat rabbi that you've been dreaming of, if I continue eating the cheese the way I am.

Yeah, you're really putting it away.

I feel like I've met my match cheese-wise.

[both chuckle]

What, do I have cheese on me?

Um, yeah, I think right here.

A little bit actually...

Yeah, is that... Right there?

Yeah, right there.

Oh, okay. Did you get it?

Yeah, yeah, I got...

Is there some right there?

Got some down there a little bit, too.

Okay.

Yeah, I should actually check that out.

Better check it out.

Do a full cheese inspection.

Cheese check.

Oh, what a rush.

Hearing those thespians give life to my words...

And what about Ian?

I mean, once he got the Brando out of his system, He was really connected.

And you're the one that did that.

Oh.

Hello, Gwendolyn.

Oh, Betty. This is my dear friend, Maggie.

Maggie, this is my dear friend Betty.

Oh, it's a pleasure.

It's nice to meet you, Maggie.

You too.

So, how are things?

We haven't seen much of you around the ladies' club.

Well, just the same. Nothing happening.

Just same old, same old.

Are you coming to see the play Gwen wrote?

Gwen? Gwen wrote a play?

Oh, it's nothing.

Oh, come on! You're selling yourself short.

It's phenomenal.

It's called Cashmere Burka, And it's all about Gwen's life.

Well, I'm sure you have a prior commitment.

Oh, no, on the contrary, I wouldn't miss it for anything in the world.

It's nice to meet you, Maggie.

Oh, you too, yes.

Gwen, enjoy your chicken salad.

That's weird.

How could you do that?

Do what?

Tell her about the play.

There's a reason those flyers all say Nell Carter on them.

Okay, but didn't you just say that she was your dear friend?

She is not a dear friend.

I hate her with every fiber of my being.

This is a disaster.

[sighs]

I'm gonna go.

Wait, Gwen.

Actually, I'm gonna stay.

I think you should be the one who leaves.

Me?

Goodness.

Okay.

What is... okay.

Don't know what's happening.

You were there. I was standing right there.

You said you wanted a bay window.

No, I asked for a window overlooking a French bay.

Okay, well, you know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna figure it out, right?

How are we possibly gonna figure this out?

Mark is trying to ruin my play.

Plus, look at this.

He is stealing complete focus with that V-neck.

Do you think that I want to wear this?

[sighs]

Okay, all right.

Unbelievable!

Oh, and now this.

Our lead actress shows up late, with sex hair.

So sorry. I do, though.

I do have sex hair.

Okay, you know what, You need to get up here right now.

Sorry. So sorry.

Gwen, Gwen, Gwen, listen to me, okay?

I don't want to brag, But in 1999 I cast a woman in a wheelchair as Peter Pan.

And you know what they said to me?

"She'll never fly. You can't do it. You can't lift that metal chair up into the sky."

But damn it, she flew.

Nice story. Can we rehearse?

Yes, absolutely. Let's dive in.

Okay, here we go.

Words. Let's do this, people.

Act one.

Here's your martini, Daddy.

Ugh, line?

Sorry.

How was your day?

Okay, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, okay.

You asked for a line.

I didn't need it though.

Okay. Here's your martini, Daddy.

How was your day?

I wanna go to college or something...

Sorry, I'm gonna stop you.

You're supposed to be off-book.

You're supposed to be off-book.

I am, I am, but I'm just, like, taking a moment...

You're not. You don't know any of your lines.

I do, I know...

You do not know a single line.

This is how De Niro does it. He takes it, he lives in it.

It's not. He's De Niro though.

Okay, let's take... can we take it from the top?

Would that be okay?

Maggie: Is there anyone else in this scene, Emma?

You're basically still at the top.

All right, ready? From the top.

Daddy?

Daddy, are you there?

It's me, Glenn.

Line.

Oh, my God.

"How was your day?"

How was your day?

Are we doing...

Are we doing the whole...

both: I can't... I seriously cannot...

I'm not gonna feed you...

All right, all right, all right, all right!

That's it!

I have an announcement to make.

In order for a play to work, every piece must play its part.

However, in our play, we have a piece that is broken, And perhaps not wearing enough blush.

Therefore, I will now be taking over the part of Glenn.

What?

What?

Emma, thank you for your time.

Wait, you're not seriously f*ring me.

I don't think this is a good idea.

I have made my decision.

Emma, thank you for your time.

[scoffs]

Oh, this... this is rich.

I get it!

Okay.

Enjoy getting "whet."

Come on, man.

Dan: You were fired by your own mom?

I'm actually relieved.

There were so many lines about bone loss.

It felt like a Boniva ad.

Hey, I like you.

Oh, okay. We're doing this?

Well, yes, yeah, we're gonna do this now.

Okay, well, I really like you too.

One of the many fun complications of dating a rabbi is that I have, like, 300 people in my congregation, all of whom really like to get up in my business.

So you wanna keep it quiet?

Just for now. Is that... is that okay?

Oh, my God, music to my ears.

Yeah?

I don't need a bunch of Jewish moms kibbutzing about my business.

"Kibitzing."

Whatever.

Really?

Yeah. Oh.

Maggie: This is the way the ladies ride.

Trit-trot.

Oh, this is awkward.

I didn't expect to run into you here.

In our house where we live?

Listen, Emma, I'm sorry.

I had no idea she was gonna do that.

You certainly didn't try to stop it.

Well, I wish you all the best on your theatrical success, and I do hope that Charlotte and I can keep in touch from time to time.

Okay, can you just shut up for a second?

I need your help.

What?

Your mother has been spinning out ever since the other night at dinner, And I have no idea what's going on.

Well, what happened at dinner?

I don't know, this woman came over, Betty Gilbert.

Oh, no. Did she say anything weird?

Yeah, when she was leaving she said, "Enjoy your chicken salad."

Oh, my God, this is bad.

This is, like, really, really bad.

What?

Sit with me.

In 1984, my mother was put in charge of the food at the annual garden party.

Why are you using that voice?

And she was so nervous that she outsourced the chicken salad to a new Mexican restaurant she'd heard about on the other side of town.

El Charro's.

That means "cowboy."

Within minutes of the party, she knew something was terribly wrong.

Oh, no.

40 women crapping themselves through Coco Chanel skirts is a real game changer.

Ooh.

My mother's never been able to live it down.

Poor Gwen. I'm gonna go talk to her.

Oh, no, no, no, you can't.

Why?

No, WASPs never talk about their problems.

We just push it all down.

We repress, repress, repress, and then we explode.

That doesn't make any sense.

You don't make any sense!

Hey.

Sorry.

[banging]

Hey, hey, hey, popped collar.

What is... what's... what's happening?

She wants me to build a huge 12-foot, like, lady's, you know... [whistles]

You know what I mean?

No.

Maggie, you know, the thing... The hairy oyster.

I do not know.

The star and its fruit.

The barn doors where the baby come out.

Just say it, man.

Just say what you're trying to say.

Here, just look at it yourself.

Here.

Okay.

This is what she wants me to build.

Why?

Because she's lost her mind!

Ma, she's gonna be my wife whether you like it or not.

No, I don't like it.

I don't like it one bit.

Oh!

There you go. There you go!

Oh, son!

Oh, my God, why is Ian motorboating Candy?

This is supposed to be a mother/son scene.

We need sex. We need to push some boundaries.

I mean, everybody is bored!

Okay, you know what, I understand that you are scared.

Oh, pfft!

But you need to trust me.

I am the director, and you wrote a beautiful play, which is what I would like to put on.

If you think that there really is nothing wrong with this play, Then I don't think that you're the right director anymore.

Thank you for your time.

Okay, no, no, no, no.

No?

This is not how this is gonna roll out.

Thank you for your time.

I'm gonna thank you for your time.

No, because I am thanking you for your time.

No, I'm thanking you for your time, okay?

No, no, thank you.

And you know what?

I get it, I get it, there's a storm.

We're in the center of a hurricane.

But I'm not gonna get "whet."

I'm just gonna ride in the eye, okay?

You're the one that's gonna get "whet."

I assure you, Maggie, I am dry as a bone.

Whet, whet, whet!

Maggie!

Uh, I don't think that's in the script.

Maggie: God, how dare she, you know?

I mean, you give someone the best of yourself, and then they just throw it in the garbage?

I'm gonna transition back to being a good friend in just a second, but can I just relish for a moment that you are finally experiencing what I've had to deal with my entire life?

Hey, this is not funny, okay? Your mother is my friend.

Hey, hey, listen to me.

You think this actually means something?

She has fired me as her own daughter multiple times.

Well, that's not nice, okay?

It's not how I was with my mom, And it's definitely not how I want to be with my friends.

You know what's gonna be the weirdest part?

Is sitting front row of a show that I'm not even...

Whoa, whoa, no, no, no, no.

No, no, that's the only good thing about this happening.

We don't have to go.

We can throw in Bull Durham and have the night of our lives.

Oh, we're going.

A young Susan Sarandon, ping-ponging between Costner and Robbins.

It's spring break.

Who's she gonna have sex with, Maggie?

Answer: Both of them.

I'm gonna tell you, it doesn't hold up.

How dare you!

Put on a dress. We're going to your mom's show.

[whimpers]

Emma: I had to triple-Spanx myself.

Great. I'm happy for you.

Where's the fat gonna escape?

I'm afraid.

I don't know. Oh, there's your rabbi.

Wanna... okay.

Oh, yeah, let's say hi.

Oh, sorry. Hey, Dan.

Hey.

Good to see you.

Uh, Emma, good to see you.

Maggie?

Yeah.

It's supposed to be a good show, so enjoy it.

Yeah, she...

Thank you.

That was super weird.

Yeah...

We have a situation.

What's up?

Gwen's locked herself in the bathroom.

Oh, God.

What?

And I keep on knocking, and she just keeps on saying, "Ocupado, Jorge, ocupado."

I mean, does she think my name's Jorge?

Oh, that's is a...

On the back?

That's too deep a V.

Oh.

[knocking] - Gwen, it's Maggie.

Can you open the door? It's a safe space.

Hey, cut the crap and let us in, Mom!

All right, God.

Come on.

[sighs] What are you doing?

Oh, hello.

Is the theater cleared? Is everyone gone?

No, they're waiting to see the play.

I've decided I'm not interested in doing the play.

This is classic. This is so dramatic.

Just... will you cut the sh*t and just get out...

Hey, go in the stall.

Why?

You're making it worse. Go in the stall.

I don't wanna go in the stall.

Just go in the stall.

Oh, God.

Gwen, you have nothing to worry about.

The show is great. It's gonna...

No, it is not great!

And you have been filling me with false hope.

No, I haven't.

Telling me that I'm good when I'm not.

You are good.

And now Betty and that crew of cronies of hers, They're waiting outside, waiting for me to serve them chicken salad.

Oh, my God, what is the deal with you guys and the chicken salad?

You know, women like Betty Gilbert, you know what they do?

They sit back and wait for other people to take risks, and then they judge them.

But you, you my friend, are putting yourself out there, and that is super scary and awesome.

She's right, Mom.

I am not brave the way the two of you are.

I could never raise a baby on my own.

I could never move to another country.

I could never spend the day in my pajamas.

They're workout clothes!

I was planning on working out.

Gwen, we're only able to do that stuff because the women who raised us were such secret badasses.

And, Mom, you are brave.

Okay, you wrote this play.

I've never written a play.

And guess what, it's really good.

Well, it's too late.

I've ruined the script.

It's never too late.

And I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

We're gonna do a staged reading of the original play.

No sets. Scripts in hand.

And, uh, P.S. I saw Betty Gilbert on the way in.

She was wearing a sleeveless linen tunic.

Oh, she doesn't have the upper arms for that.

Looked like cottage cheese.

Tell them lights up in five!

[applause]

Thank you all for coming.

It has been quite a journey to this stage.

Emma and Maggie, my two daughters, helped me take the last steps.

So without further ado, I give you Cashmere Burka.

[applause]

[indistinct chatter]

Emma.

Oh, hey, Dan.

Hey, it was really... it was great.

Oh, thanks.

Um, hey, I normally wouldn't mention this, But can I just say when I said hi to you earlier, I didn't really like how that felt.

Me neither. That was...

I shook your hand, like I was giving you a diploma.

No, I paused like we were taking a picture for the newspaper.

I know I'm a rabbi and all, but if I get a little kibitzing for canoodling with a shiksa, then so be it, all right?

All right, well, mazels to that.

Yeah.

Did I say that right?

You said it perfectly.

Okay.

Gwen.

Betty.

Well, that play was a tad too raw for my taste.

Just like the chicken salad I served you in 1984, wouldn't you say?

Well...

Oh, Betty, thank you for coming.

Your support means the world to me.

Well, you're... you're very welcome.

I...

Bye.

Feels good, right?

Yes, it does.

Did you see her upper arms? They're like cottage cheese.

Gwen, what are you talk... they're stunning.

Just give me this.

Okay. Cottage cheese, it is.

Here's your martini, Daddy.

Mommy said to bring it to you.

I don't want to... disturb you.

I can't marry you.

Don't you understand, your body came back from the w*r, But your heart... your heart is still fighting the Viet Cong.

So you can keep your what ifs and your why nots and your coulda beens and your shoulda nevers.

Mrs. Clawforge, your mother is dead.

[screams]