01x01 - Gamer's Guide to Pretty Much Everything (Pilot)

[bunniefuu]

Stampy Cat here, along with 20,000 screaming fans, watching a battle for the ages. These modern-day gladiators are the picture of perfection and power.

Pit crew!

Oh, it's starting to get exciting now. And "NeverGoesDown" goes down! 15-year-old gaming prodigy KidFury has taken the lead.

[crowd cheers]

I don't believe it! Conor's going rapid fire! Is he a man or a machine? Because the human thumb shouldn't be able to...

[thumb crunches]

[Conor groans]

This can't be good.

So gamers, that was me, seconds away from sweet, sweet victory.

Instead, I got the worst case of "gamer's thumb" in tournament history, and all of my former sponsors are taking back all my best swag.

Aww, come on, man!

You can't take away my third monitor.

What, you expect me to game on two like some sort of caveman?

When I was on the tour, I didn't have to go to school.

I had private tutors who did all the work for me.

A-minus? We can do better, Harold.

And now my mom's making me go to an actual school for the first time while I heal up.

But don't you worry. [chuckles]

I'm gonna figure out a way to get back on tour.

And nothing is getting in my way, especially something as unimportant to my future as school!

KidFury has arriv... Ohh!

[music]

Hello! [gasps]

[chuckles] Who are you?

Franklin Delgado!

But you can call me by my gamer tag: Franklin underscore Delgado.

I'm your number one fan! I know everything about you.

For example, judging by this apple core I found in your trash, you have a slight underbite.

I sleep with this.

I'm guessing you don't have a lot of friends, do ya?

Nope. I've been saving myself for you.

I'm an e-Jock, too.

Right now I'm crushing a little game called Balloon Animal Picnic. But this first level is imposs...

Gasp! I'm never washing this phone again!

So, listen, Franklin.

I have a plan to get back on the pro tour, but I'm gonna need you to introduce me to the best gamers in school.

You think you can help me out?

I would eat a small cactus for you, sir.

Why would I ever need you to...?

Move it, jerks!

Pro gamer and best friend coming through!

[halfhearted chuckle]

[baby talk] Aww, is wittle Ashley hiding behind a hay bale?

Too bad I'm packing a flamethrower!

Eat flame, sucka! Wait ... where'd you go?

I totally blasted your face off.

Fine, if that's how you wanna play...

Air raid, chump! sNiTcHbLaStA, out!

Nice use of that cheat code.

Cheat code? Cheat code?

What do you know about cheat codes, n00b?

[chuckles] He was on the pro tour.

You are in the presence of KidFury.

Whoa. I'm impressed.

I mean, I would be if I played "video games."

You're literally holding a controller right now.

Okay, fine, Mr. C-S-I don't know why you're all up in my business! But don't tell anyone I game.

If the volleyball team finds out, they'll question my ability to focus and...

Why do we have fingernails?

Okay, look, there's something I need to talk to you two about.

Franklin, book us a lunch for three at the classiest restaurant in town.

Billy the Squid's is the classiest restaurant in town?

Sure is.

Plus. Where else do you get a free chip and chum bucket?

[groans]

You know what chum is, right?

Delicious!

All right, guys, here's the deal: so Prison Escape 6 streets tomorrow. If I b*at it first, I'll have enough points to get back on the pro circuit.

And you'll get to be part of something great.

You wanna see something great? Check this out.

I've been chewing this piece of gum since 5th grade.

How do you brush your teeth?

Why would I need to brush my teeth? I'm chewing gum!

Now, if I'm gonna b*at this game, I'm going to need to use your nice, healthy thumbs.

I'd give you my thumbs, but how would people know if I really liked a movie?

No, Ashley, he wants us to play the game for him.

He's talking about cheating.

Okay. It's not cheating if we use my gamer tag and I call the sh*ts.

I can't help you. I'll be busy posting my latest kick-butt Twine video around the Internet.

Check this out.

[music playing]

Wendell: Rekt!

I'll tell you what. If you help me, I'll re-post your link to my two million fans.

[gasps] Whoa! I just got two thousand views and something called a "Like."

Okay. So Wendell's in.

Ashley?

You're blackmailing me, aren't you?

You'll tell the team if I don't help you.

I'm not blackmailing you.

Oh. You're goooood.

I'll do it. But I don't know how you sleep at night.

Well, all right!

The game drops at two tomorrow, so let's duck out of class early.

Dude. No teacher's gonna let us out early to game!

Especially Mr. Spanks. Ugh!

Look, I don't know this Mr. Spanks, but I'm sure he won't be a problem.

[gasping]

And that... is why I'm the toughest teacher in this lousy school!

Spent two-and-a-half seasons playing pro football for the Saskatoon Muskrats.

I was the punter.

Uh, the punter?

I thought you said you were a real football player. [laughing]

Get up here, son.

You don't think I'm tough?

Kick me! Right between the uprights!

Wait, seriously...?

I said kick me!

Okay!

Weak, son! Where's your follow-through?!

It's good!

Okay, this guy might be a problem.

So guys, this is where the magic happens.

Do you have any smelling salts?

No, why?

[gasps]

The stealth drone from Phantom Ops III!

Pfft! You think that's cool?

I've got a 20-gallon fish t*nk and four angelfish!

Can your angelfish do this?

Wha... probably. They were pretty expensive fish.

Ooh, what's this game?

That's my mom's label maker.

Well, label me impressed!

Okay, guys, here's the plan.

Since we know Mr. Spanks isn't gonna let us out of the class before the bell rings tomorrow, we have to change what time it rings, and I have a little machine that can help us do it.

He's got a time machine! [gasps]

I want to meet Benjamin Franklin!

I want to punch a dinosaur!

Ashley, you're up.

Um, Mr. Spanks?

Would our football team win more if you were our couch?

Coach!

Coach!

That has nothing to do with American history, but the answer is a resounding "yes!"

See, problem is, our team doesn't properly utilize the punter.

What a lot of people don't realize is, those who can't punt become quarterbacks.

See all these guys down here?

[giggling]

So now, everyone's chanting for the team's best athlete.

Punter! Punter!

[school bell rings]

Alright. We'll pick this up tomorrow.

Yes!

[crackling]

[loud distant thud]

Hold it! Somethin' ain't right here.

He's gonna find the drone!

Relax. He's got nothing to tie it to us.

Just stay calm, and we'll get out of here.

Looks like someone... used this drone to ring the bell early.

You. Ashley.

With your question, you trying to distract me?

And, gee, Wendell, what's this?

You two techie video gamer types are behind this!

No, we're not. What's a video game?

I like books.

Not buyin' it. You two are going straight to detention.

Conor, say something.

Okay, Mr. Spanks, here's the truth.

These gamers seem like pretty shady characters.

Frankly, I don't even want to be in the same room as them, so...

Hold it!

This thing says "Property of Conor, aka Kid 'Furry.'"

Labeling by, oh, Franklin Delgado.

You were bound to find out sooner or later.

I've got a labeling problem.

Looks like you've all got a one-way ticket to Detention Town! [imitates train whistle]

Now, how do you shut this thing off?

Uh, I wouldn't do that.

Ohh!

[groans]

Why are we putting "Proudly Organic" stickers on these rotten walnuts?

Because the latte sippers at the Farmer's Market will pay twice as much for them that way. [wheezy chuckle]

Keep crackin'!

This is all because of you. You totally threw us under the bus!

You were already under the bus. Why would I get under there with you?

Hadn't the bus hurt enough people already?

Whatever, dude.

Thanks to you, we're stuck down here in this prison!

Wait a minute. You're right!

This place is like a prison, and I've aced every version of Prison Escape there is.

Even the one where he had to escape the women's prison.

He made a bungee cord of lady bras. [laughs]

If we bust out of here right now, we still might have enough time to b*at the game.

Oh, that'd be great!

My sinuses are plugged solid with nut dust.

[projectile thuds]

Ohh!

And why would I help you do anything?

Because if we b*at that game first, I'll get my pro card back, and you'll never have to see me at school again.

I'm in.

Okay. We've just got to find a way out of here.

There!

Cool! You found a warp zone!

I think it's just a drainage pipe, but whatever jiggles your joystick.

Warp zone!

You're up, Conor! Let's go!

Whoa! Doopf!

[clears throat]

Fair warning, guys. This place looks ripe for sewer pigs.

Sewer pigs?

You know.

Kids get those little pet pigs, flush 'em down the toilet.

They grow up and, boom, you got sewer pigs.

Ashley, that is so dumb!

I'm telling you, they're nasty.

Eat the pants right off of you.

Game on.

Wendell: No, pig, no!

[squealing pig]

Wendell: Ahhh! Noooo!

[pig smacking lips]

Sewer pigs are real! And he took my pants!

Told you!

No one's b*at the game yet. We can still do this.

We've just got to get through this door.

[audibly straining]

There's too much water pressure.

Do you mind?

Don't worry.

My mom's a plumber, and she always says, when in doubt, start turning valves.

No offense, but your mom sounds like a horrible plumber.

[audibly straining]

[rumbling gurgle]

[rumbling gurgle]

[sudden gush]

[spits]

[yelling] Gamers!

[gasping] Well, guess these things are duds.

[audibly straining]

Got it!

Come on!

I ditched detention, and...

I loved it!

Conor: It was a thing of beauty.

Even though we had never played together before, it was like we were a well-oiled machine.

Wendell was aggressive, Ashley was a surprisingly smart gamer, and Franklin kept the snacks comin'.

It was like we were a real team.

Yes! I did it! I did it!

Wait. You did it?

Well, yeah. I get my pro card back, the cast comes off in a week, and I'm back on tour.

Well, good for you.

Looks like you don't need us anymore.

Come on.

Wait, guys, come on. You don't have to leave!

It's been an honor serving you, sir.

Do you mind if I take a little something to remember you by?

Sure.

[audibly straining]

Thanks.

[soft crunch]

Wow, Franklin. You must be really upset.

What makes you say that?

'Cause you're actually eating the chum.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be on tour?

Yeah. Actually, right about now, I should be in my limo swimming laps.

It's a really big limo.

But I decided I'd rather stick around and hang out with my new squad.

New squad?

Oh.

Did I forget to give you these? There you go.

Are these...?

Your pro cards? Yep.

See, it turns out, if you add up all of our gamer points, we have enough to qualify for the International Gaming League's team circuit.

That is, if you guys will have me as your fourth.

Does this mean we're going to Nationals?

No. It means we get the IGL newsletter and these key chains!

I can work with that.

Pro card? Newsletter? Key chains?!

Goin' down.

You guys want to hit the arcade?

I'm in.

Let's do it.

So, gamers, that's how you form a squad.

Sure, it'll mean staying in school and going to tournaments on the weekends, but it's worth it because now I have something I never had on the solo tour.

My turn in the chair!

No, it's mine!

I lick it, I own it!

These guys.

And I don't know if it was because we got our tour cards, or that we got the principal to shut down Spanks' nut-cracking detention room, but we all walked into school a little taller the next day.

[gaming sounds]

Come on, hurry up. I want next.

In a minute. "Keep your pants on."

[laughter]

Not funny, dudes.

I told you, that sewer pig caught me off guard.

I see his curly tail again, I'm taking that filthy hog down! Pork chop!

[doorbell rings]

Ah, sweet. Pizza guy's here.

[pig oinking]

[Wendell shrieks]

Wendell: How did you find me here? Nooooo!

[shredding sound]

So, uh... my turn yet?

Man: Poor soul.

[dog growls, barks]