03x13 - Spiral

[bunniefuu]

It's a talk show...

Right.

But it's on one of these streaming networks.

On Busca. You ever heard of Busca?

No.

It's a new thing. It's the future, buddy.

It doesn't matter 'cause it's all garbage.

Wow. A-All of it?

Yeah.

Even your show?

You've been on it. You know what it's like.

Yes, I have been on your show.

And you've been doing it for years.

Yeah.

But now that you're a veteran, give me some advice.

Well, the first thing is control.

Mm-hmm.

They're gonna give it to you at the beginning.

They'll say they're giving it to you. You gotta maintain it.

Mm-hmm.

You're gonna go in there, they're gonna say, "Oh, we love you. We want you to be you."

Yeah.

And then pretty soon, they'll just chip away at it.

Yeah.

You'll be lucky to be able to pick the chair you get to sit in.

Oh, my God. [groans] Sorry, man.

You okay?

Yeah. No, I just... I hurt my back on a...

I was lifting a kettlebell.

You should... You leave those on the floor, I think.

You know, gravity has a purpose...

Mm-hmm. That's right. and when I defied it...

Paid the price.

All right, so that's one... control.

Mm-hmm.

Any other advice?

Uh... yeah. The chair.

The chair that you sit in is very important.

Mm-hmm.

You are the captain of the ship.

It is your vessel. It is sometimes your only friend.

You have to feel present in it.

Good chair. That makes sense to me.

Yeah.

Yeah, Conan's always had a wonderful chair.

I mean, I... I sit on the couch.

And so, you know, I don't have a desk to hide behind, so it's all... belly and balls for me.

Is that your nickname on the show?

Depending on my mood.

One day I'm Belly, and one day I'm Balls.

Ohh.

You wouldn't like Balls.

[laughs]

["The Poisoned Well" plays]

♪ Won't fall for it ♪
♪ You can't see ♪
♪ And you can't tell ♪
♪ I just can't drink ♪
♪ From the poisoned well ♪

Come on! Just come on!

Damn, you're really fiending.

I almost feel bad about leaving this job now.

[sighs]

I'm not fiending, you moron.

I'm in what they call pain, and those pills k*ll the pain, which is why they're called painkillers.

So give me one.

Was that Shay?

Shay?

Yeah. You know, the lesbian you were trying to have a baby with for a while.

Yeah, I-I know who she is. Shay is gone, man.

You're just trying to distract me from my pain, which I appreciate, but I'd like a pill now, please.

Oh. Did you want a pill?

Are you kidding me?

Yeah, I was. Good bit?

Honestly, you were right to give these to me to hold, because you're a mess.

Oh, my God. Thanks. You're a real pal.

Hey, I am not the bad guy here.

I'm helping you keep your sobriety.

Although, honestly... [cell phone vibrating] maybe you'd be less of a d*ck if you were high.

Do you have a p*ssy? Like a-a little boy p*ssy?

Is that what you're hiding?

Yeah, I do. We should rub them together at some point.

Oh. Yeah, hey, Emily.

No, no, I was talking to my soon-to-be-ex-assistant.

What?

Will Ferrell's in.

No, I am. This is how I sound when I'm excited.

All right. All right, yeah, I'll see you in a half-hour.

Will Ferrell? God, I love Will Ferrell!

Yeah, it's too bad you're never gonna meet him... traitor.

You know, the first step is admitting you're a d*ck.

Marc!

Gregg Schup from Busca.

Django!

Django!

[laughs]

Yeah. What's up, man?

Hey, I'm here just to lend a little corporate support.

In fact, uh, I'm gonna be personally shepherding the project.

Ooh!

What happened to Terrence?

He's... no longer with us.

He's... he's dead?

Listen, you don't need to worry about that, okay?

Today's about you! [chuckles]

So...

[whispers] He's dead.

Really?

Really.

I didn't really know that guy.

Really?

I didn't like him.

Marc, let me introduce you to your stand-in, Hideo.

Ah.

This is weird.

What? You're... Really?

A-A Japanese stand-in is fantastic.

Trés International.

Yeah, I guess.

Okay, thank you.

Now, Marc, we thought you might want a joke writer.

No, I don't work that way, man.

Oh.

Okay. Well, let's put a pin in that for the time being.

All right, so this is the chair?

Ah.

Very lush, right?

[singsongy] I don't know.

[singsongy] Have a feel.

Yeah?

I don't feel like a captain.

Hmm.

You want a captain's chair?

No.

I-I want a captain-feeling chair.

Well, we got a-a whole stockroom of chairs.

You can pick any one.

Also, don't worry about the writer.

Uh... Oh! We got a teleprompter for ya.

Are you serious?

What's... It's just for your consideration.

Are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm just...

I'm just really, really tired.

Ohh.

How about a coffee?

No, I don't want a coffee. I...

Maybe a cot.

We got a couch in the green room.

Come on! I'll show ya!

It's a green room. Come on. This is exciting.

Stop it. I'm not 5.

Eh, come on. Ooh.

Holy sh*t.

[gasps]

Kale chips?

Mm-hmm.

Bet you those bananas and apples are organic.

Probably.

Three kinds of green tea.

This is better than what I eat at home.

You deserve it.

We're all just so excited to work for ya.

Believe me, it is great to have a job.

Right?

I have no idea what you do.

Mnh-mnh.

Oh. Well, I...

No.

There's just... too many people.

Oh.

There's too many people.

[sighs deeply]

Marc: Is this is the way out?!

♪♪♪

You love me, huh?

It's Marc with a "C," assh*le.

[plastic crinkles]

Where the hell have you been, man?

It hasn't been four hours yet. Calm down.

Don't tell me to calm down.

You're not the one with a pancaked disc.

Whatever, dude. You still got two minutes till your next one.

Oh, come on. You're not gonna be that guy, are ya?

[cell phone vibrates]

All right. Start the countdown now.

[vibrates]

Emily, hey. What's up?

No, I'm fine.

We gotta do something about that chair.

[lowered voice] You are overreacting, Mark.

Stop treating me like a child!

Then stop acting like one!

I'm not! I'm bringing my own chair!

Whatever. Right.

We actually have slightly bigger problems.

Well, if it's not the chair, then I don't wanna hear about it!

Will Ferrell is out.

Ohh! Really?!

g*dd*mn it!

[basket thuds]

I'm worried you're not handling this very well.

I'm fine.

I gotta go.

And tell that smarm-bag it's Marc with a "C." A "C."

A "C"!

Oh, a "C."

Okay. Bye-bye.

Good talk?

Don't snark me, man. Gimme a pill.

15 seconds.

All right, just give me 'em. Come on.

[pills rattle]

[sighs]

Oh, man.

Two?

[pill bottle clatters]

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

I'm doing what I have to do.

I have a lot of people depending on me.

Oh, boy.

[cell phone vibrates]

[vibrates]

God.

[vibrates]

[sighs] Hello? Hello?

What do you mean they wanna tinker with it?

It's my show!

No, I...

No, I-I didn't forget about the meeting.

I mean, I'm driving right now.

All right? The traffic's shitty.

[whispers] sh**t.

[cell phone thuds]

sh*t!

So as Emily probably mentioned, we're thinking about doing an opening monologue.

What?! No, she didn't mention that.

Well, we... we've been very b...

I think it slipped through the cracks.

Fell through the cracks? That's the one you're going with?

That one? Really?

Dude, I'm Barry. We've met before.

We did?

You're kidding, right? [laughs]

Look, bro, I just wanted to tell you, that Louis interview? Majorly life-changing.

Oh, really? Well, thanks, bro.

'Preciate it.

I'll talk to you guys later... bro.

♪♪♪

Marc: Oh, God. Is this the way out?!

[Dub Thompson's "Dograces" playing]

♪ Get your feet up ♪

[pills rattle]

♪ It's only breakfast ♪
♪ Did you see us ♪
♪ On this merry Christmas? ♪
♪ To the dog races ♪
♪ With your sick faces ♪
♪ Snap like a dog ♪
♪ Did you get that alive? ♪
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪♪♪

Marc?

♪♪♪

Marc?

♪♪♪

[knocks]

Marc?

Oh, sh*t. Oh, God! Oh! Okay, seat's down. All right.

Marc, was I supposed to pick you up? Are you...

[groggy] No. Is it tomorrow? Is it tomorrow?

Damn it. You're totally trashed.

Did you eat that whole basket?

What are you doing? I am... I'm meditating, man.

[groans]

This is what they do in the junkie movies!

Oh, no!

Okay.

It's either this or that thing where I have to put ice cubes down your pants, and I don't think either of us want that.

[groans] I hate you.

Here comes the cold.

[turns on shower]

Ohh!

You little monster!

[turns off shower]

That may be true. Come on.

All right. Here.

[strained voice] Oh, yes.

What happens now?

Uh, I guess you change out of those wet clothes.

Can you do that?

[exhales deeply]

'Cause I really don't wanna go there.

Looks like I'm going there.

[strained voice] I'm gonna change you Oh. like a baby.

Did I pee?

I really hope not. Come on.

I want my chair!

What?

I want my chair in the car!

Okay. Yeah. We'll get that chair.

Maybe first we'll worry about pants.

What do you think, big guy?

Oh! The captain is here!

And the captain brought a chair!

Yes, sir.

Wonderful.

[Emily and Greg chuckle]

Right here.

Hey, have you given any more thought... [pats leg] to the opening monologue?

Yes, I have. And this is not "The Daily Show," nor do we have a "Jaywalking" segment, nor do we have a top ten list.

Okay.

Yeah.

Um, you know, just keep an open mind.

Nothing's set in stone, but I-I did bring in a writer.

Uh, Barry? [chuckles]

Hey.

Barry the writer.

I can tell you're a writer 'cause you have a douchey writer's haircut.

Do you trim your balls in the same fashion, Barry?

I was thinking you guys could just spitball.

You know, Barry worked on the "Lampoon" at Harvard.

Ooh. Yeah? So you really paid your dues, huh, Barr?

[laughs]

Ooh. I think I'm gonna have a nanner.

Oh! What... Whoa!

Come on!

[groans]

What? They don't have back pain at Yale?

I went to Harvard.

I get it.

Is there a conversation you can't wedge that into, Barry?

Ugh. Ow. Ow. Ow!

I'll just wait here.

Ow!

Is this the way out?!

[car horn honks]

[horns honking and blaring]

[lawn mower whirring]

[exhales deeply]

♪♪♪

[turns down amp]

What's happening, man?

[plastic crinkles]

Aw!

Dude, did you rat me out?

It wasn't me, I swear.

He didn't have to rat you out, junkie boy.

Shut up. I'm fine.

All right? I just had the chair thing and... you know, my back.

And, uh, the pilot.

I have a lot going on.

There's no way you guys could understand that.

You know what? As your friend...

Mm. you should give me the pills.

No, man! Come on!

[pills rattle]

All right, fine. I'm done with it.

[opens bottle]

Yeah. You'll thank me later.

Just doing 'em through the pilot. That's it.

All addicts say that.

I heard it on "Intervention."

All right, both of you, get out.

Come on, Marc.

Seriously.

We're just here to help you to...

What, Andy?

All right.

You know what?

Easy does it.

Ah, that's clever. Recovery chatter.

Marc: Come on, man.

That's it?

Dave: You got this.

One... one... one day at a time.

Okay, I'll take it from here.

Thanks.

That was a horrible intervention.

Yeah. Where was my parents?

You know what? He, um... he just took a Canadian laxative.

[laughs]

What?

Yeah.

[groans]

Oh, come on, Marc!

[filing]

Okay, this is officially getting weird, Marc.

What? These are time-release.

[singsongy] And I don't have the time.

Oh, my God.

Ooh!

[grunts]

[inhales deeply]

Damn!

Whoa.

Okay, can I say something, please?

I don't know who this is that I'm talking to right now, but you need to deal with this.

[sniffs, exhales sharply]

Just not today.

Today, you need to drink a sh*t-ton of coffee and get to the studio.

And, of course, I'm gonna be stuck helping you, because even though you've been a total d*ck to me, I don't wanna stand there and watch you crash and burn.

You have a very nice voice.

You should sing in a choir.

Come on, let's get in the car.

Come on. There we go.

All right.

Oh, look at that.

Oh, look! She is back! Pull over!

What? Easy! I got... Jeez!

[tires screech]

Shay is back!

Zoe: Do you know how much gluten is in the bananas?

[sighs]

They're gluten...

Marc?

[chuckles]

Hi.

You didn't have to bring the groceries in.

It's good to see you guys.

Are you... are you doing all right?

I love you, guys, so much.

What?

So much.

Okay. [laughs]

Ooh. We're pregnant.

Well, we're pregnant.

Zoe: Uh...

W...

So, actually, um, we have a legal agreement.

Doesn't matter. I...

Yeah, you...

I made that. I made that.

You... you need to leave.

Hi. Daddy's here.

You need to leave.

Hey, little Marky.

I... I am the Daddy.

Yeah.

Wow.

The... the other Mom.

Oh. Hey, I gotta go to the bathroom.

Oh, yeah?

What are you doin'?

Well, just make it quick.

Protecting my child.

[sighs]

Zoe: You should not leave the door open.

Shay: I didn't leave the door open.

[Zoe speaks indistinctly]

Okay.

I'm using the wrong words because I'm upset.

[laughs]

Well, think about how... what... how you... I feel.

"I feel upset..."

[pills rattle]

[speaks indistinctly]

I feel upset because Marc is here now.

[bottle thuds, pills rattle]

And he touched your stomach, which I...

[speaks indistinctly] Right?

But you shouldn't feel that way.

[speaks indistinctly]

[glass shatters]

Zoe: Marc, what are you ruining now?!

[laughing]

Get out.

Go.

What?

[speaks indistinctly]

Hi there.

Oh! Oh!

Hey!

Hey, people!

[laughs] Here we go!

Thank God you're here!

Of course I'm here! You guys feelin' this?

I got my chair. We're gonna k*ll this thing.

I'm loving this positivity.

Yeah!

It is fantastic. [laughs]

[clenched teeth] You're so late.

Look, before we start, I just wanna thank you, guys.

You know? From my heart.

Okay, well, we're on in 20.

Ohh. Okay.

Yeah, I need a little "me" time. Is that cool?

Greg? Everyone? You all right?

Yeah. More than all right, Marc. I'm psyched!

[chuckles]

[laughs]

Hey.

Yeah! Yeah!

Thank you.

Firm handshake fella, that guy is.

What? Come on.

Oh, I got a thing I do now.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Yeah. It's private.

Yep. Mm-hmm. Oh.

Not... it's not... it's... All right.

That's... that's all right. I'm not gonna... [chuckles]

♪♪♪

[pills rattle]

[exhales slowly] We don't need more. We feel great.

Yeah, but about in 10 minutes? What about 3 minutes, huh?

This is the biggest gig of my life.

Exactly! You trying to destroy me?

No! Why would I do that?

You're being paranoid.

Yeah.

[groans]

[chuckles]

[grunts]

Oh, my God. Did I forget to put makeup on?

My pores are the size of little vaginas.

Hey. [chuckling]

[chuckles]

Hi.

Come on, then.

All right.

Are you all right?

Yeah. You all right?

Of course I'm all right. Why you askin'?

I'm... good.

What?

Okay.

Yeah!

Yeah, all right. Let's bring in the guest.

[Marc speaks indistinctly]

[music playing]

[mutters]

Eyes open.

Ohh.

[music stops]

Welcome... to "The Marc Maron Show."

I just named it that just now on the fly.

"Marc Maron Show."

I... am known by few.

No, some of you know me.

I have... I have a podcast I've been doing in my garage for years.

But you can't see it. Now you can see it.

You can see me now.

You can... you can put a face to it.

You can put my face right in... in your... You're looking at my face.

I hope it's not disappointing.

This show is not going great.

It's not going well. I'm not happy with it.

But, um...

I have confidence in my chair.

I brought my chair from home.

[inhales deeply]

This is a captain's chair, and I am a captain.

But we got a guest. We got, uh...

[blows air]

Ken.

Ken Marino.

I'm gonna give him a real intro.

Come on back.

Come on back, line camera.

Ken Marino.

Uh... love him.

I love him.

Hey, man.

Hey.

Hey. Hi, Marc.

What's up?

What's happening?

It's, uh, great it be, uh, your first guest on your show.

Oh. No one else could do it.

No, I'm very excited about it.

No one.

No one.

Oh, you mean, no one else can do it.

No, I mean, if you're here, that means, like, uh, like, Dax Shepard couldn't do it.

Well. I'm lower on the list than Dax Shepard.

[laughs]

[chuckles]

No, buddy, it's not... No, not...

No, I'm excited. I'm... I'm happy to be on the list.

Yeah. So... what have I seen you in... like, lately?

Uh...

Like, I remember you did that thing when I was, like, young. There was a lot...

Oh, "The State."

A lot of you guys.

Yeah, "The State."

I didn't like most of you, but I didn't really... I-I didn't register you at all.

I did see you do some stand-up back then.

Right.

So... what are you doin' now?

I'm doing a show called "Marry Me."

It's a sitcom on NBC.

Mnh-mnh.

No, I am.

So what, you just wake up in the morning and say, like, "I wanna be pathetic"?

"I wanna be pathetic."

[whispers] Oh.

"I gotta do my sitcom."

Dude...

Yes?

Do you have a cigarette?

What?

You have a cigarette? Do you have a cigarette?

Do I have a... No, I don't... No. No, no.

I don't smoke.

Does anyone have a cigarette?

Any of you gaffers? I want a Union cigarette.

[chuckles]

Look at that.

Reds, dude. Reds. That's what I started with.

There you go. There you go.

You're doing a great job.

Thanks. No, and this is your first show, right?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

It's, uh...

Just 'cause you're... Can't understand something doesn't mean that you have to label me some idiot.

[laughs]

It's a pleasure. Right.

I am right. It's guys like you that ruined it.

What did I ruin?

[thud]

Oh, jeez.

Oh, my God.

Tom Snyder smoked.

Tom Snyder smoked. Tom Snyder smoked. Tom Snyder smoked.

It's riveting television.

[Marc speaks indistinctly]

Ken: I'm just trying to be a good guest.

Tom Snyder smoked. Tom Snyder smoked, smoked, smoked, smoked.

♪♪♪