02x02 - Curing h*m*; Mile High Club

[bunniefuu]

Life... it's literally all we have.

But is it any good?

I'm a reviewer, but I don't review food, books, or movies.

I review life itself.

[screams]

[triumphant music]

[parrot squawks]

♪

Over here.

♪

Hello, and welcome to Review.

I'm Forrest MacNeil, your intrepid lifeonaut and, at mission control, as always, is A.J. Gibbs.

A.J. what adventure awaits?

Me pressing a button.

Right. Yes, but I was talking about what adventure awaits me?

Oh, well, my adventure comes first.

Fine.

Your first review comes from Vicksburg, Mississippi.

Forrest, our son James recently came out as a h*m*.

We want to be supportive, but we just don't understand.

Maybe if we had a better sense of what he's thinking and feeling, we might have a better idea of how to cure him.

Which is an experience we both dream of having.

What's it like to cure a gay person?

Ah-ha. Curing a gay person of being a gay person.

Oh, Forrest, you're gonna use one of your vetoes right?

[dramatic music]

[clears throat] I am, uh, permitted to deploy two vetoes this season, but it's my job to decide when to do that and, uh...

No. No. I do not think that now is the time. No.

Well, I'm off to, uh...

I'm off to cure a gay person.

[whimsical music]

Forrest: Gay people have existed since people have existed.

And, yet, in all that time I have never closely considered who they are or why they might need curing.

I chose to begin my review with a fact-finding mission to the gay sex shop nearest my dad's house.

Who is that man?

Forrest: While there I was confronted by a big realization.

Mystified.

Forrest: It was so enormous I suddenly wondered if this review was even possible and I knew I had to consult my producer Grant.

Completely mystifying.

Have you ever looked closely at a man's flaccid penis?

It looks like something that belongs on the lightless ocean floor and what if, when a gay man looks at a woman's beautiful breasts, he feels the same way.

That they're like sea blobs with nipples on them.

I mean, if that's what a gay man sees when he looks at a pair of breasts, how am I supposed to change that?

It's impossible.

Exactly.

What am I supposed to do?

Well, life is a parade of people doing impossible things.

Wha...

Hey, when you quit this show to go after your ex-wife and she said it was too late and she rejected you...

Yeah.

You vanished from the face of the earth until a dog found you sleeping in a crawl space under a church.

Yeah, it was a Rottweiler.

But what if I had told you back then that in less than a year you would turn it all around.

You'd have your old job back, you'd be dating a great coma nurse.

Oh, well, eh, no, she and I broke up.

Yeah, well, that is exactly my point.

Because you don't need her anymore because you're back out there, you're living a brand-new life.

So, if you can jump-start a brand-new life, why do you think a gay person can't?

Hmm.

Are you so h*m* that you don't think a gay man can do what you do just because he's gay?

No. Definitely gay men can do everything I can do and probably a lot better.

Thank you for that.

You get out there.

Yeah.

All right.

Forrest: Grant had given me a powerful way into this review.

If I can get over my ex-wife, then a gay person can surely get over being gay.

And if a gay person can't get over being gay, maybe I can't get over my ex-wife.

But I can, and I did, and so can a gay person.

I am a big fan of gays and the whole gay lifestyle, but if you're tired of it, give me a call, all right?

I'll straighten you out.

Forrest: I distributed hundreds of brightly-colored fliers, but received just a single response from a young man who called himself Tim.

Tim was a gay man who did not want to be a gay man.

Unlucky for him, but a very lucky break for this review.

My mom won't talk to me and my dad thinks I'm going to hell.

You know, it gets me wondering that maybe God made me so depressed to punish me.

You know, Tim, I was once like you.

I knew it. I knew it.

Oh, no, no. I was never a h*m*.

Nor was I ever attracted to men sexually.

But I was once attracted to someone that I should not have been attracted to.

I'm talking about my ex-wife, Suzanne.

And I was able to overcome my love for her, you, Tim, will be able to overcome your unwanted love, too, but you have to be willing to do it.

Are you willing to do it?

Yes.

Are you willing to work hard?

Yes, I'll work hard.

Do you believe that we can do this together?

Yes, I believe you, Forrest.

Okay.

How?

How what?

Forrest: I, of course, had no idea, but I did know that learning to un-love Suzanne had been traumatic.

To spare Tim the same fate I turned to an expert who definitely knew what he was doing because he was once a gay man himself.

I was a gay man myself once.

Forrest: Oh, okay.

Dr. Arnold: The disease of h*m* is rooted in the lack of masculine affection in a young man's life.

As a therapist, you must offer that affection in order to make his h*m* go away.

Just as my loving therapist did for me.

Dashing man.

Yeah. Well, how did he do that?

Forrest: The technique was called Holding.

And while it may not be supported by traditional science, it was Dr. Arnold's signature move.

The idea was that by seating himself on my fully-clothed lap, Tim would lose the desire to sit on another man's less fully-clothed lap.

[whimsical music]

♪

So, how you feeling?

Um, just maybe wanted to talk to you about cologne.

Try to stay focused, Tim. Just open your mind and tell me how you feel.

Just maybe thinking about cologne and mouthwash.

Shh.

[alarm beeps]

Oh, ah!

Okay, that's an hour. [Laughs]

Forrest: Holding, while cumbersome at first, soon became an accepted part of life at my dad's house.

♪

After five days with Tim on my lap, I decided it was time to put my subject, and Dr. Arnold's technique, to the test.

Tell me, please, what this makes you feel.

Oh, it makes me feel... very attracted to that man. [Groans]

Forrest: The power of unwanted love is strong.

Wow.

Forrest: As I myself understood all too well we would need to try harder.

Put that down.

I don't think it's gonna be helpful to look at that.

So if the hugging doesn't work, I mean, is there something else?

I mean, there's gotta be something else, right?

He's a tough nut.

Really tough. Really tough.

Here's what I recommend.

Okay, this is called syrup of ipecac and it's gonna make you feel very, very nauseous.

Forrest: Dr. Arnold had a lot more ideas for turning a gay man straight.

You're going to associate naked men and their penises with this feeling.

Forrest: Some of them were disgusting.

[retching]

He is making you feel sick.

You made me sick.

No, I didn't make you sick.

He did by being so sexy.

You made me sick.

Forrest: Others were surprisingly athletic.

Get the anger out.

Oh, God.

The bed is Satan. Satan made you gay.

Why'd you make me gay, stupid bastard?

Okay, okay.

[screams]

Oh, Tim, sorry, this is my bed. I do have to sleep here.

Forrest: But the results were always the same.

You feel any less gay?

[sighs]

No. No.

Forrest: I began to fear that I would spend the rest of my life trying to fulfill this one review.

It was time to try my own ideas.

[techno music]

I needed to offer Tim a good alternative to h*m*.

I chose heterosexuality and introduced him to the allure of women.

♪

I'm sorry, I just need like a little space here.

Forrest, I don't think I can do this. Okay?

Just focus on the pleasurable aspects of it.

What's pleasurable about it?

I just feel bad.

Do you want to change, or not?

Yeah, I wanna change.

You do wanna change?

I wanna change, I'm trying.

Listen, I'm just gonna wait... He doesn't want it.

Don't go anywhere. Don't go anywhere.

It may seem impossible to you, but the impossible is possible.

I got over my ex-wife, you can get over your ex-sex.

You gotta believe that.

Well, you talk about her...

You can do it. Okay?

Okay, I'll... I'll...

Okay.

I need to get a drink, though.

All right?

That's fine.

woman: Yeah, yeah.

Yes, I would love a drink.

If they have a Pinot Grigio that looks good...

Okay...

You paid for the dance, do you want the rest?

I didn't catch your name.

Shampoo.

Shampoo. Hi, Shampoo.

'Cause you're dirty.

Ooh.

And you need to be cleaned.

Forrest: Our evening was going very well and it was time to take things to the next logical heterosexual step.

I don't want to be too forward, but, uh, maybe... after you get off work...

Yeah?

You and one of your colleagues might like to join my friend and myself for a drink.

[laughter]

Well, we are hanging out with some pretty, gorgeous ladies in my opinion. Wouldn't you agree?

Yeah.

Thank you.

So much more attractive than men. Both of you are.

I cannot believe that you are both single.

That's incredible to me.

Well, my boyfriend just broke up with me 'cause he can't handle what I do for a living.

Are you kidding me?

You know, my wife left me for the exact same reason.

You and I have a lot in common.

We really do.

We do.

But we don't have too much in common, Tim.

Tim. She and I don't have too much in common.

You know what I'm saying?

Uh, yeah.

We have different genitals.

Forrest: Distracted as I was by Shampoo's beguiling charms I did not notice that Tim had snuck off with Trinity. A troubling development.

The patient was out of my care.

Hey, where did they go? Where did they go?

Forrest: I would not find out until our meeting the following day.

Hi. Tim, what happened to you last night?

I turn around and you and Trinity were gone.

I'm texting you all night long. You didn't get back to me.

[stammers]

Oh, well, Trinity took me out to this bar called d*ck Town and we talked for a long time.

You and Trinity went out to a bar?

Yeah, we did. Called d*ck Town.

Okay.

And, uh, a guy came over and, uh, his name was Pete.

Uh-huh. Then what?

We just stayed there the whole night.

Danced, and, oh, my God. b*rned the place down.

[laughs]

Anything else go on?

Uh, yeah, I don't know how to put this, but I feel like I had a breakthrough last night.

Forrest, voice over: I could not have been happier for Tim.

It was very clear to me that he and Trinity the stripper had fallen in hetero love.

So let me ask you this...

Do you still feel haunted by any h*m* urges?

Haunted... I... I would say I am... I'm not.

I'm not haunted anymore. I feel great. Really.

I did it. [Laughs]

I really did it.

Uh, what?

I cured you.

I...

And they said it was impossible.

Well, good luck getting over your ex-wife.

That's super hard I know, so...

Nope, I already did that, but thank you.

Oh, and speaking of which, you know, maybe one of these days you, me, and Shampoo, and Trinity should all go out on a double date.

Pete, too. [Chuckles]

Who's Pete?

Pete? The guy I met yesterday.

He's really sweet, super-understanding.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

I thank you so much.

I really appreciate it. I'm gonna head out, okay?

Okay, great.

Yeah.

Enjoy your new life.

I will.

Forrest, voice-over: In the end, curing a gay person was indeed every bit as possible as getting over my ex-wife.

It's about something good happened to you.

This is on the house.

[chuckles]

What is it?

Coconut cream pie.

Forrest, voice-over: And who can really say that either thing was wrong when Tim and I are clearly so very happy?

To be clear, I have no problem with anyone's sexual orientation.

What I do have a problem with, is giving up.

I don't care whether you're gay or straight, if you're sick of it, change it.

It was inspiring to help Tim find a way to love someone new and I am happy to say that in the process, I found someone special myself. Shampoo.

We are now a couple. [Laughs]

So I give curing a gay two beautiful stars who belong together.

The next request comes from Jerry in Portland, Maine.

Mm-hmm.

Jerry writes: Oh, my goodness.

The Mile High Club. Well, I know what that is.

Oh, my yes.

I'm off to have sex on an airplane.

Gee, wiz.

Oh, boy.

You're one of those guys that carries a condom wherever you go, huh?

Ugh.

[(Forrest, voice-over] I have been flying to San Francisco monthly to pick up my son Eric for our weekends together.

It seemed natural that I would invite my new lady-friend Shampoo to join me on my next trip and voila: membership in the Mile High Club.

I'm really excited to meet your son.

Yeah.

I really like kids.

Mmm.

Hey, look... now that we are... one mile up in the air, do you want to, uh... [clicks tongue]

[laughs]

What?

[whispers] Let's go have sex in the bathroom.

[whispers] I'm not gonna have sex in the bathroom.

Why not?

It's gross.

What's gross about it?

People are [bleep] in there.

Oh, come on. This is a short flight, I don't think anybody is pooping on the way up to San Francisco.

Come on.

Is that why you invited me?

No.

Because I'm a stripper...

So I'd be up for that? Right?

No.

Gross.

Everybody on this plane likes to have sex.

Shampoo: You know what? If it was all about sex for me, I would have found somebody a lot hotter!

That is one of the rudest things that anyone has ever said to me.

[scoffs]

[crying] I thought you were different.

I thought maybe for once I met a nice guy.

I'm gonna give you some space.

Forrest, voice-over: Rather than turned on by the idea of sex in an airplane bathroom, Shampoo... a professional clothes remover, seemed stunned.

My trip to the Mile High Club with her was, as they say in the travel business, cancelled.

I would need to find someone on this flight more sexually adventurous than a stripper.

And just when all seemed lost...

Uh, excuse me. Sorry. Sorry to bother you.

Can I switch seats with you by any chance?

man: What?

I'm in 23D.

Just right up there. Thank you very... ah, thank you.

Yeah, that's great.

Ass[bleep].

Thank you so much. It is middle seat.

Forrest, voice-over: After pouring out every ounce of available charm on to this woman Beth, I was clearly, incredibly enough, being considered for admission into the club.

Yes, exactly.

[laughs]

You can go into space without being an astronaut.

Captain: We have begun our initial descent into San Francisco International Airport.

Please return to your seats and make sure your seatbelts are securely fastened.

Hey, Beth...

This is gonna sound crazy.

[whispers] I wanna have sex with you right now.

[laughs]

Right now?

Yeah, right now.

Let's just follow this moment.

Did you feel it?

Yeah, I did.

I knew it.

Okay, so, will you sneak to the bathroom with me right now and have sex?

So, we gonna [bleep]?

Yeah.

[pings]

It's just the seatbelt light's on.

Yeah, so?

When we get to the airport take a cab to the closest hotel.

Listen, I can't wait that long.

Okay, we'll find a place in the airport.

No, I can't wait that long, either.

No, seriously...

No, it's super dangerous.

No, it's not that dangerous.

Forrest, voice-over: Beth could obviously disregard many of societies guidelines for how to behave, but not, for some reason, the seatbelt sign.

I don't wanna do it in an airport bathroom.

I wanna do it in an airplane bathroom.

Seriously.

Yeah, but the seatbelt sign is on...

Who cares about the sign?

Seriously?

Let's go to a nice hotel.

No, thank you.

Oh, my God.

Oh, hey, what about another flight?

No, don't touch me! Okay?

Forrest, voice-over: My failure to join the Mile High Club was dispiriting, but I eager to try again on that afternoon's return trip.

First, I'd need to pick up my traveling companion my 12-year-old son Eric.

Why hello.

Hi, Forrest.

How are you?

I'm good. I'm good.

Good, good.

Are you fe... you feeling better and...

Yeah.

You know, they got all the b*ll*ts out.

That's good.

Uh, yeah.

Oh, Suzanne, this is Shampoo.

Shampoo, Suzanne.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Yes, this is my girlfriend.

Oh.

Ex-girlfriend.

Okay. Are you sure that it's okay for me to send Eric with you guys?

Yeah. What do you mean?

Uh, just, you know, you're required to have a safe and stable environment, so I didn't know if...

That's what I have.

A safe and stable environment.

What you and Shampoo had cooked up for the weekend.

Please bring him out here. Eric and I, and possibly Shampoo, are gonna have a wonderful weekend together.

Eric, come on down.

Your dad's here.

What do you mean my ex-girlfriend?

What's that about?

Hey, hey. There he is.

Hey.

How's it going? Nice to see you.

Okay, well, uh, text me, honey.

It will not be necessary for any texting to occur.

I'm taking away your texter. All right, good.

Are you going to introduce me?

What? Oh, sorry.

Uh, Eric, this is Shampoo.

Hi.

Hey.

Forrest: Status unclear.

You guys are not boyfriend, girlfriend?

We were, but on the flight up here your dad sent some weirdo to sit with me, so he could pick up another woman.

Okay, that's enough gossip, please. Thank you.

Forrest, voice-over: Shampoo and I had apparently broken up, but I still had a job to do.

I had to find someone who I was certain would not reject my advances.

Oh, I see an old friend. I'm just gonna pull over here real quick and, uh, say hello to an old friend.

I'll be right back.

Oh, hi, there.

Hi, baby.

What's he doing?

Looks like your dad is picking up a street whore.

I've been a prost*tute for eight years.

Eight years?

Mm-hmm.

I guess you love your work.

Yeah, baby.

I am definitely looking forward to this.

Oh, you're gonna love it.

Yeah.

Forrest, voice-over: My Mile High Club membership was finally on track.

[pings]

woman: The captain has turned off the fasten seatbelt sign.

Forrest, voice-over: But then I hit some bizarre and unexpected turbulence.

How much is he paying you?

$200 plus the ticket.

I'll give you $300 if I can go first.

Oh, sorry, excuse me. Just mind your own business.

Thank you.

Uh, sold.

Forrest, voice-over: Incredibly enough I had stumbled onto a flight full of recovering sex addicts on an immersion therapy trip to a Tijuana brothel.

$350 if I get to go first.

Yup, come on.

What?

$400 plus 10,000 frequent flier miles.

Forrest, voice-over: And the line for immersion was long.

Take note, this is apparently one of the things that can happen when you are so determined to have sex on an airplane then you hire a prost*tute to travel with you.

This extraordinary, and horrifying, development led to a truly disgusting turn of events.

Though my prost*tute, Margaret, did earn enough money to self-publish her book of poetry.

Finally.

[pings]

man: The captain has turned on the fasten seatbelt sign.

Forrest: What are you doing?

We gotta sit down.

What? Why?

You can't be standing when the seatbelt light is on.

No, no, no, no. You gotta be kidding me.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

This is gonna take, like, one or two minutes. Please.

We gotta go back there.

No. No.

I have to join the Mile High Club right now.

Well, okay, but I have to have my seatbelt on.

It's okay. Listen, here.

Put the little blanket on.

And do it right here in the seat?

Yeah.

Man: Flight Attendants will be coming through the cabin to collect any remaining service items.

Uh, you better hurry.

Yeah, okay, fine.

[metal jingles, zipper unzips]

Forrest, voice-over: I was, eventually, allowed entry into the Mile High Club, but so what?

As it turned out any idiot was free to join.

I learned that I prefer my sexual encounters to be both free and free of spectators.

[sighs]

[cries]

I also learned the only belt I want to unbuckle to have sex is my pant's belt.

And, perhaps also, my heart's belt.

No matter how scary the turbulence.

Joining the Mile High Club, three stars.

I can't believe it didn't work out between you and shampoo.

I mean, you treated her horribly, but who knew she'd have so much self-respect?

There was no way of editing that... that didn't make it seem horrifying.

That's really gross.

Yeah.

[triumphant music]