01x05 - Alcohol Awareness

[bunniefuu]

All right, guys. Fire Department is here, I'm gonna do a head count, all right? Morris.

Hays. Hudson.

All right, where's Mike Shelton?

Guy's probably jacking off in his room again.

I'm right here.

Oh! Hey, man, good to see you. Glad you're okay.

Everything.

Hey, Rachel, look.

I'm really sorry about earlier.

(RETCHING) Oh!

All right, here is the last of them.

Three hundred pamphlets.

You're gonna knock 'em dead at this presentation tonight.

You really think so?

Yeah.

I bought this really cool fire ladies' hat.

Thought I'd jazz up the crowd, right?

Anyone who sees you in that hat and does not want to talk about fire evacuation procedures, is an idiot.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You know, when I first met you, I thought you were kind of a goof.

Thank you so much. That means a lot.

I wasn't finished.

Oh. I was gonna say, and now I can see that you are a real asset to me and the residents.

Thank you. Uh, that means even more. Really.

Okay. Remember, have fun tonight. Okay?

I will.

Right.

What about you? Any big plans?

Oh, you know, just, um...

Quiet night alone in my room just Hulu and a bag of cookies.

Hey-o!

sh*ts! sh*ts! sh*ts! sh*ts! sh*ts!

Where are the balls?

In my pants.

Sam, could you be mature for a minute here?

We're throwing a kegger for teens.

Right, my bad.

Yeah. Um, you sure about this party?

Fairly certain we're breaking about 9,000 rules with this idea.

It is our job to teach the residents about alcohol awareness.

Freshmen come to college, what do they do? They overdo it.

They binge-drink. It's a serious problem, man.

And we... and we prevent that by throwing large parties with tons of liquor?

Exactly.

Hey, where do you want this ice luge?

Hey, down by the beer bong station, man.

Aah...

See... you can't tell the students not to drink.

So the trick is, to show them why they shouldn't do it.

So every fall, I sacrifice my health, my safety, my dignity in the interest of the residents.

I'm not sure I follow.

Tonight I'm gonna get so disgustingly wasted that they won't even want to be in the same room as a beer.

I do it every year and, uh, I get a pretty positive response every time I do it, so...

(YELLING)

(LAUGHS)

(SOBS) Why?

Trust me. This is where I shine.

Okay? And before you get your panties in a bunch, we're not actually serving the residents alcohol.

(BOTTLES CLINKING) Everything in this box is fake.

I emptied out the booze and refilled it with colored sugar water.

Doug, come on.

The residents are gonna know it's fake the moment they taste it.

You are highly underestimating the persuasive influence of a party atmosphere.

I once convinced a guy to Nair his eyebrows. He was totally sober.

Oh, hey, what's up, Dave? Cool, man.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Amy got her hands stuck to the ice luge.

Don't worry. I haven't found a situation yet where I can't lick my way out of it.

(SHIVERS)

(LAUGHS) Wait, guys, guys, I got to get this picture.

Okay, hold on.

Dave, you're in the frame. Please.

(AMY WAILS)

Tag me.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Rachel, did you say you wanted herbal or oolong?

Uh, I actually said, "Leslie, no thanks.

I don't wanna have a tea party."

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Oh, Sam, hi.

I like your... buttons.

Sam, sir, do you want herbal or oolong?

Um, I... I came because the other RAs and I are throwing a rager for Hutcherson.

A rager? As in alcohol?

There'll be... there'll be drinks there.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Yeah. Okay.

Sounds cool. Thanks. Fun.

Fun?

Fun? Hmm. No, no, no, no.

This is gonna be epic.

Okay? Like, I need to... I need to figure out what I'm gonna wear, I need to figure out my drink...

Wait. What should my drink be? Sex on the Beach, right?

No, no. That sends out the wrong message.

I need women to know that I'm up for sex anywhere.

(SIGHS)

Man: Excuse me.

Is this, uh, Seek And You Shall Find?

No, it's down the hall and to the left.

(EXHALES)

Hey-o! Welcome, residents, to the rager to end all ragers.

(ALL CHEERING)

Now, in the spirit of getting wasted, I'm gonna take a sh*t of beer every minute, on the minute, for the next six hours.

Yeah!

Dude, that's, like, 50 beers.

Hey, that's some really cool math, Sam.

Okay, now to kick things off, I am going to take five sh*ts of vodka.

Count 'em out. Okay. Ready?

Ready. Set. Drink!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

All: One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

(ALL CHEERING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(SHUDDERS)

Dude, where's the ice?

The ice?

What? What do you mean? You don't have any ice?

(STUTTERS) What are you planning on serving, room-temperature drinks?

Listen. I need you to get your head in the game.

Okay? Image is everything.

If this party is even a smidge off, the residents will know.

In order for them to believe that it is real we need to sell it. So sell it!

Okay, okay. I'll sell it.

I'm sorry. I'm not mad.

This is just a really important night. I'm sorry I blew up in your face, okay?

You know what? Hey, I'll get the ice.

It's been another minute.

Yes, it has.

Thank you, Tyler.

(YELLING)

(CHEERING)

Hey, Jorge, what's up, man?

Hey, can I get a bag of ice, por favor?

Thanks, dude.

Big night, babe?

No. And don't call me that, please.

And, yeah, it is kind of a big night.

I'm hosting an event for the residents.

Oh.

Okay. It's a little short notice but I'll just go home and change, I guess.

Yeah. No, no. It's... You can't come 'cause it's only for the residents. So you can't go.

Well, I'm sure residents' girlfriends are allowed.

Not really, and even if they were you're not a resident's girlfriend, so...

Babe.

What?

Are you drunk right now?

I'll get it, Jorge.

No, Jorge, please don't give her that.

Jorge, do the right thing. Give it to me.

Jorge. Give me the ice, por favor.

Gracias, Jorge.

Okay, well, I'll see you in a bit. Nope.

(LAUGHS) He's so funny. He's my boyfriend.

(SIGHS)

Olivia.

Hey, what are you... What are you doing here?

No one showed up to my presentation.

But that's impossible.

Everyone was talking about going to your fire prevention, um, safety thing. It was all over the chat blogs and...

Nope.

Apparently nobody cares about fire prevention.

Or maybe it's just because they don't want to hang out with me.

That is not true. I would... I would totally hang out with you.

For real?

For real.

Well, how about dinner then?

Dinner with you, and I would... And I would be there?

You don't wanna come. I get it.

No...

You know, you probably have super fun plans. I'm just...

No, no, no, no. It just took me by surprise 'cause I'm not a very big, you know, dinner guy.

So I was... I was thrown.

Well, it doesn't have to be a big deal. We can just hang and have some pasta.

Pasta? Yeah, I love pasta.

Great. So my room, 20 minutes?

Oh, wait, um... Did you... Was that, um, tonight?

Yeah. Is tonight a problem?

No.

No, it's no problem. Okay. See you tomorrow.

No. Doug, tonight.

Yeah. No, tonight's good. It's better.

'Cause it's sooner. So that's cool.

Okay.

Okay.

(MOUTHING)

(EXHALES)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey. We got a problem.

Yeah, I'll say. You've been gone for six minutes, you haven't taken a single sh*t.

No, no. No, no. The thing is...

sh*ts! sh*ts! sh*ts!

All: sh*ts! sh*ts! sh*ts!

All: One!

Two!

Three!

Four! Oh, boy.

Five.

Six!

(ALL CHEERING)

Sam. Come here.

Okay. Guys, okay, um...

Nobody showed up to Olivia's fire event thing and, um, she invited me over to dinner.

Oh, congratulations. She's so pretty.

Yeah, and you said no, right?

No, no, she needed someone to talk to.

But no more sh*ts, okay. I...

Wait, no more sh*ts? You care about the students or not?

Of course I do. Of course I do.

Blow this.

Doug, you're only at .04. If you leave now you're just teaching the residents that drinking is cool and it gets you invited to dinner with your hot boss. Is that what you want?

No.

Is that what you want?

No! But I cannot be wasted at Olivia's, okay?

Take this.

The students are watching. Set a good example.

Oh, my God.

So, what do you recommend, bartender?

Oh, you don't need to drink to have fun.

I thought that the whole point of this is that we're supposed to drink.

I mean, isn't that what normal college kids do?

Yeah, I mean, but for this...

Well, then, I will have, uh, whatever you think. Something with soda or tonic or I don't know.

Okay, for the record, I don't feel great about this.

Okay.

Uh, for the record, thank you for serving me booze.

You are the best RA ever.

Oh, dude, you have to try this drink that Amy just made for me.

It makes me feel really tingly.

I'm gonna get... Okay.

Easy, Doug. (SLURRING) One foot in front of the other.

Okay.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come in.

Hey.

Hey.

Hi.

Oh, are you okay? You look like you're hot.

Thank you. You look like you're hot.

I'm just finishing up the pasta. Be right back.

Okay.

Here you go.

Mmm.

I... I hope I don't eat so fast, I have to just suddenly leave.

Ooh, I almost forgot.

Would you like red or white?

Oh, wow. Um...

I don't know. There are just so many options.

You're right. Why pick just one.

Okay.

(IMITATES WINE GURGLING)

So, I know we haven't seen eye-to-eye in a lot of things in the past.

Hmm.

But I'm really happy we're on the same team.

Hmm.

Here's to us.

Oh.

Oh, to the team, I mean.

To us.

To the team, you mean.

You didn't drink.

Well, yeah. Yeah, I did.

No, you didn't. I just saw you.

Um...

Oh, you wanted the white, didn't you?

No.

But I insisted on the red because I knew it was gonna be good with the meal.

And I have to control even the smallest things.

No. No, no. I, I like red.

Red is... Red is red, okay? And that's good.

Sometimes I forget.

Especially when it's a really nice toast. I forget to drink.

So, to you...

For forgetting.

'Cause it was nice.

(GIGGLES)

That drink you made me was so strong.

Hey, no, it wasn't that strong. It was...

I don't know. I feel pretty drunk.

Uh, uh, excuse me. Turn down for what?

Oh, for what?

Hey.

I mean, four of the bitchiest girls that I went to high school with invented this app. And now they're millionaires.

And they fly on jets, and they hang out with Christiane Amanpour.

And here I am in a dorm eating pasta on an IKEA table.

It's so sad, right?

Doug?

Doug?

Doug!

Yep. Hey.

Oh, my God.

What?

Am I that boring?

Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Livi, you are... You are so great, you're so great.

You're so pretty.

Pretty?

You think I'm pretty?

You said you thought I looked pretty.

Well, yeah, everybody thinks you're pretty.

They do?

My gosh. The fact that you don't even know that makes you so much prettier. That's insane.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm gonna get more wine.

Yeah.

We're gonna have fun tonight.

More fun.

More wine.

All of that.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Mmm-hmm.

(MUTTERS)

Whee!

(GIGGLES)

Oh.

She thinks you're pretty, man.

She thinks you're pretty.

(LAUGHS)

Whoa! Okay, let's check out the old blood alcohol level. Here we go.

.04.

Brother, you have quite the constitution.

No, no, no, it's impossible. The wine and the sh*ts.

The sh*ts. sh*ts. sh*ts.

All: sh*ts! sh*ts! sh*ts! sh*ts! sh*ts! sh*ts!

sh*ts! sh*ts! sh*ts! sh*ts! sh*ts!

How many minutes has it been?

Uh, 38.

Thirty-eight?

Nine... Thirty-nine.

Oh, my God, okay.

Oh, my God.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, my God, you're bleeding.

Hey. I am?

Uh-huh.

Yes, I am. Okay.

I will take care of that 'cause that's a legitimate reason to leave. BRB!

You only live once, Olivia.

Chuck.

When I first met you, I was like, "I don't know... "

You know... (STUTTERS) "I don't know about this guy."

And now we're so tight bros.

And I wouldn't want to be a tight bro with anybody else but you.

Yeah. Yes.

(SOBS) Yes, yes.

I am so drunk.

This is the best night ever. Whoo!

No, no, there's no whoo-ing. Don't whoo.

'Cause you're not drunk. At all. I promise.

Okay, I am drunk.

And I just have all these feelings, you know?

Feelings?

Feelings.

And I'm ready to do them.

This is the best night ever.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

(YELLS)

(LAUGHS)

Oh!

You're a mess, dude.

You are.

You are. You are.

Blow, blow, blow, blow.

Okay.

.04. What the hell?

You're a modern medical marvel. Okay.

You are.

Okay this is the real stuff.

For the students. Up.

We're gonna do a five count. Ready?

One, two, three, four, five.

Oh, that's good.

Get out there, buddy.

Oh.

(YELLS)

I've wanted to do that for a while.

Look, Rachel. I don't know how to say this.

You're not drunk.

What? (LAUGHS) Yes, I am.

But you see, there was no alcohol in the drink that I made you.

You're completely sober.

What?

Are... Are you serious?

Yeah. Yes, and I'm sorry, okay.

Stupid alcohol awareness thing.

It's... It's... Wait!

Oh, hey, check out my one dance move. Ready?

That sucks. Take some classes.

I think it's pretty good.

Hi, Doug. How are you?

Is Doug dead?

He's sloppy but he's not a cautionary tale yet.

See, he's been at .04 the whole night.

Oh, well, that's not a real breathalyzer.

That's a keychain for a law office.

What?

See? "Colin Sen's office.

DUI? No problem.

We'll work hard .04 you." What does that mean? "We'll work hard .04 you."

Uh-oh. Okay. Hey, Doug.

Doug, can you hear me? Doug?

Hi, Olivia. How are you?

What the hell's going on?

Oh, we thought it'd be fun to throw a rager for the residents while you're not here.

Well, technically, Doug thought that but we were all, like, "That would be fun."

Wow. Unbelievable.

Is that what you guys think of me, huh?

Well, you know what? Fine!

b*tches!

(SHOUTING) Who's ready to party?

(ALL CHEERING)

Yes! Give me that.

(LAUGHS)

All of your (BLEEP) tastes like sugar.

No.

(WHOOPING)

Okay. Olivia.

Shut up!

Well, now you just k*lled the vibe.

Maybe you should just...

You need to...

Back off, bitch! (GRUNTS)

All: Ohh!

(GROANS)

Okay.

That's okay, everybody. I think it's over.

(RETCHING)

(COUGHS)

Mmm-hmm.

Okay. Now it's over.

I can't believe we thought drinking was cool.

One drink per hour. Alternating with water. No exceptions.

Yeah, I'm never getting drunk again.

I'm pretty sure I didn't feel anything, so...

Good night.

I mean this in the nicest way possible.

But go away and never come back.

Look, I'll go in a second. Just hear me out, okay?

I'm... I'm sorry I let you think that you got drunk.

Okay, I know it's embarrassing.

But you shouldn't be embarrassed that you kissed me.

I like that you kissed me.

You do?

Yeah.

I think you're awesome.

Like, when you showed up at the party, you were looking so good.

I mean, you still look good right now.

(CHUCKLES)

And if you hadn't gotten like completely 100% sober, like, and made the first move, I would have probably taken forever to do it.

I know my chances aren't great right now but I wanted to ask you if, you know, we could go out sometime?

Like a date?

Yeah. Like a date.

(THUD)

(DOUG GRUNTS)

I'm sorry about that vomit.

That's vomit? I thought it was cat food.

Why did you do this?

Why did I do this? This was...

What am I talking about?

No.

So I would never... I would never give the alcohol to residents.

The real stuff, you know, it was... It was fake proof.

Fool booze. I have a system.

Ask Sam. It was Sam. Sam!

Then what was this?

What?

What was it all about?

The only way to inspire is to lead by example, right? So I...

I get wasted every year and then the residents think twice about binge-drinking.

But this year... I ruined it.

No, you hit it out of the park.

It was even better than the year that I tea-bagged myself. You...

You're the best deterrent I've ever seen.

It... Amazing.

Yeah.

Cheese.

(CAMERA CLICKING)