01x03 - Love And Dating

[bunniefuu]

Tonight it's the dos and don'ts of dating Last time I had chicken, I had the worst diarrhoea.

.. affection in public...

(Moans)

.. living together and breaking up.

You said you loved me!

This is How Not To Behave.

(Cheering and applause)

Hello. I'm Matt Okine.

And I'm Gretel Killeen.

And this is How Not To Behave, the show that provides covering fire in the w*r against bad manners.

Oh, yes, let's face it, good manners are pretty well all that separate we humans from many in the animal kingdom.

But nowadays this line is becoming blurred as many humans are no longer practising manners and are instead behaving like pigs and sloths.

So tonight we're going to stop the rot by halting this bad behaviour.

Yes, f*ring Cupid's arrow straight into the heart of love and dating etiquette, From how you behave in front of a new partner, how you should treat a friend's new love interest to dumping someone when you find out they say 'pacific' instead of 'specific'.

Yeah. I had someone who said 'evolve' instead of 'revolve'.

He said, 'You know, my world evolves around you.'

Wow.

Which is kind of true.

Yeah, and then he said, 'Hey, look, some evolving doors.'

Let's now start at the very beginning.

You've met in a bar, the workplace, maybe online.

You've graduated from flirting to courting to dating and now you must sit your first exam -- the approval of your friends.

But what are the rules?

Narrator: When a friend begins dating someone new, it is common for them to seek your approval.

So, what do you think of Mike?

Well...

When I talk on the phone, I actually talk... (Gruff voice).. like this, which means it's inadmissible in a court of law.

First impressions are tricky and friends will often apply undue pressure to get a conclusive answer from you straightaway.

I'm going to say he's... interesting.

You're right, he's so interesting.

I knew it.

You know everything.

Unless you have access to potentially harmful information, you should never tell your friend you don't approve of their partner.

One strategy is to focus on positive characteristics.

He's, uh... he's certainly one of a kind.

You don't meet someone like that every day.

But be aware not to go too far.

He's handsome, too, don't you think?

Handsome?

He's smokin' hot. Those g*ns, that chest.

Great arse.

Right...

An easier option than talking about the new boyfriend is criticising the previous one.

He seems great. He's definitely an improvement on Tom.

Oh, Tom was alright, though, wasn't he?

He was the worst boyfriend ever.

Yeah, that shark-tooth necklace and he always slurped through a straw.

Oh, yuck!

But be aware not to go too far.

(Moans softly)

So, you two are back together.

Yeah, we're getting married.

Oh, we're so in love.

(Slurps)

That's nice.

(Cheering and applause)

I hate those relationships, Gretel.

Which ones?

The on again, off again.

It's like an IT helpdesk solution relationship.

You know what the really bad thing is?

If you agree with your friend, 'Oh, yes, he's great,' and then, 'Oh, yes, he's a dickhead,' and then they get back together, you're the one who gets dumped.

Yes.

That is so unfair.

Not OK, it's not OK.

But you know what else is not OK?

It is not OK when people befriend you as their surrogate boyfriend or girlfriend, depending on what sex they are, so that you fill in the space until they find one.

As soon as they're single, phone's ringing again.

'Hey, let's hang out, let's do something.'

Soon as they're with someone, they dump you.

Squat.

And you know what else?

I don't mean to be rude, but what about when people bring their new love and you know in your heart, 'Oh, God, this is not gonna last,' but the person is there all the time, so you can't talk to your friend in a normal way 'cause it's like this little spy sitting there.

Yeah.

Matt, I've got a couple of questions for you, OK?

These are quick quiz questions.

Is it OK to sleep with someone on the first date?

Yes, absolutely. Absolutely.

(Laughter)

Is it, though, right?

Why is everyone laughing?

Yeah!

Can women propose?

Yes! Yes, they can. I'm all for it.

Have you ever proposed?

Yes, I have.

And I got married. And that went really well.

Gretel, should you say 'I love you' just because the other person does.

You can if you keep your fingers crossed.

(Laughter)

How do you know when you're in a relationship?

I had a man, I was having coffee...

'Had a man', that sounds terrible.

I was having a coffee with a bloke and he referred to us as having an affair.

I thought we were just having a coffee.

Matt.

(Laughs) What?

How intense was the coffee that you thought...?

(Laughter)

It was a double espresso.

It was a long black.

Audience: Oohhh!

You see, I can't say that.

Why?

I can't say that.

I didn't say that.

OK Gretel, have you ever stood someone up?

I have.

It was 30 years ago and I still feel bad about it.

He came to collect me, knocked on the door, he was going... it was a wedding.

And he came to pick me up and I hid.

You hid in your own house?!

Under the window.

(Laughter)

And I feel so terrible, but I just didn't have very high self-esteem.

Oh.

Ever asked a partner to lose weight?

Not specifically but, you know, sort of encourage, 'Hey! Let's eat better.'

I had a friend, she went out to dinner on the first date, the man said to her, 'Do you really think you should be ordering that?'

First date?

First date.

She had him out. Flicko.

Where is the line, though, OK?

Specially when it comes to public displays of affection. - Oh.

Is it OK to stroke your partner's leg in public? - No.

Can you lick their face?

No.

Nibble their ear.

Nup.

Well, here's what the manual says.

I said, 'OK, if you're not gonna let me have a baby, can I please have a dog?'

And?

And he was like, 'Yeah, you can have a dog.'

Oh, that's so exciting!

Thing is, he wants a French bulldog and I want a caboodle.

Yeah.

They're so sweet. - Yeah.

Well, I reckon, if it were me...

Narrator: When you are newly in love, you like to touch each other, but it can easily make others feel uncomfortable.

At the same time, it should not go too far the other way.

.. it's so lovely.

Yeah, that's great.

So, anyway, I said...

So what do we do?

There are three approved touching methods.

The three-stroke back rub is an acceptable touching method.

However, a bent finger should be avoided as it may lead to tickling, which often leads to intimacy.

Method two is the moving squeeze.

Squeeze above the elbow, just below the shoulder, and finally one on the shoulder itself.

And release.

The final method is the hair stroke plus scratch.

This consists of one to two swoops of the fingers at the back of the neck.

But remember, the touching rule only applies to people you are in a romantic relationship with.

Look at that, friendly.

Jesus Christ, what are you doing?!

What...? Did you invite him?

(Cheering and applause)

So, I'm an affectionate person.

I quite like, you know, affection.

I remember, when I started going out with a girl once, I was behind her in line at a pub, put my arms around her, went for a bit of neck kiss.

She screamed. Was not my girlfriend at all.

What made you think it was her?

Just the hair, I just saw blonde hair.

That is so blondist.

Yeah, I know.

I felt really bad as well 'cause my girlfriend was behind me.

She wasn't even near... like, she was so not there.

But then what you have to do is go and hug everyone and make it seem like it's just your normal thing.

I'm just friendly. (Makes kissing sounds)

Do you know, it's weird, when people are, like, around my age, and you see them making out in public with their public displays of affection, they're always drunk.

Yeah.

I mean, that's just the way it is.

Yeah. - And sometimes when I see, you know, people, say, over 45 and they're still holding hands, I think, 'Oh, isn't that sweet?'

Then you think, 'Oh, they're probably still having an intimate relationship.'

Then when you see them on the beach and they're having a really happy time, jogging together or whatever, I always think, 'Trip over.'

I do. - So you don't want them being happy and getting some?

There's only so much joy you can deal with.

So, there aren't just different rules for ages or men and women, behaviour is also different from country to country when it comes to PDAs.

In China, only members of the same sex are allowed to hold hands or dance together in public.

But then, in Louisiana, apparently necrophilia is legal.

Do you know what necrophilia is?

Yes!

Are you going to tell everyone?

Eeeww!

That probably sums it up.

And in London, sex on a parked motorcycle is a no-no.

And also pretty difficult.

Yeah!

The biggest public display of affection no-no, of course, is having sex in public.

Earlier this year, a Florida couple was convicted of having sex on a crowded beach.

They faced 15 years in jail and were forced to register as sex offenders.

(Audience groans)

I know.

That's rough, huh? - It's horrib... the whole thing is just horrible.

Yeah, but according to another survey, 75% of Australians have had sex in a car.

Now, is that a public space?

I don't know.

So sex in the car is OK according to Australia, what about on the phone when you're in completely different rooms?

We found that 25% of Australians have had phone sex, with the horniest State being South Australia.

43% of people polled admitted to gettin' freaky on the phone.

I've tried phone sex.

How did you go?

It didn't work out for me.

Why not?

Ran out of credit.

(Laughter)

Now, some people never get that far into a relationship because they are dud dates.

The lovelorn Greg Larsen headed out to investigate what's OK and what's not OK in this hidden camera experiment.

This is regarding dating and here's what happened.

(Party chatter)

Woman: Welcome to Love Is In The Stare speed dating evening.

We'll have the women move clockwise around the room.

And let's get started.

(Rings bell)

Hello.

How are you?

I'm Greg.

Greg.

Hey, how you doing?

How are you?... Adrianne.

Hey, how you doing?... Christina?

Christine?

I'm now at the point where I'm just looking to settle down.

Got all my baby names all ready to go, you know?

Oh, really? Great...

Boys are are George and Harry, and girls are Kate and Elizabeth.

Oh, great.

Adrienne? That is actually my ex-girlfriend's name.

No way!

She pretty severely broke my heart.

You're sitting here today.

I'm sitting here today with a new Adrienne.

Well, wow.

A friend of mine lent me this book and it's about pick-up artists.

What you do is you say something negative but positive at the same time.

I like your hair, it reminds me of my mum's.

Like, I'm constantly still looking at, like, bridal stuff.

I just think about dream weddings, like, all the time.

I'm not looking to get married at the moment.

You have the same smile for sure. That is...

(laughs)

Oh, Lord...

Now, do you use anti-dandruff shampoo?

Perhaps you should.

Something like that is just a normal, traditional kind of wedding.

I'm definitely thinking white.

'Cause, look, if was to flick through, there's one back here.

Are you able to just put these on for a second?

Why?

And this is the cardigan that she was wearing...

I don't know if this is an OK thing to do.

Sorry, just... just give me one second here.

Out of you and I, who is more attractive?

Hint, it's not you.

Hey, Mum. It's Greg.

OK, I'm here with this girl Adrienne, who I've met and she's just like Adrienne, you know, my ex-girlfriend?

And I was just wondering if you'd like to say hello to her.

Hello.

Woman on phone: Hello.

How are you?

I don't know if you'd ever consider getting married in Australia.

I know that you'd probably want to go back to Ireland, which I would be willing to do, but...

(Bell rings)

Oh.

There was a page here that I love...

(Bell rings)

(Bell rings)

We'll go on a date some time.

I mean, I'll grab your number after so we can...

OK, thank you.

(Applause)

Do you know, I went on a date once and the guy wore a T-shirt that had the word 'single' written on it.

I married him, we had kids. No.

Joining us now to give us her take on the world of love and dating, it's journalist, sex therapist and online dating guru, Bettina Arndt!

Welcome.

(Applause)

Bettina, tell me, how has the dating scene changed over the years?

Well, I think lots of things have changed.

People conduct their whole relationship by text, which drives me totally crazy.

But texts are great because it means you can sort of, you know, continue communications throughout the whole day.

One phone call won't last ten minutes.

Yeah, but you can actually get a sense of what they're saying, and sort of miscommunication by text.

The online dating thing has meant that all these pools of single people of all ages are getting a chance to meet each other and that's fantastic.

So you like apps like Tinder and Grindr?

I think Tinder is fantastic.

I do recommend Tinder to...

Are you on it? Having a bit of...?

I've had a look, yeah, yeah.

Yeah?

I mean, what's great about Tinder is it gives you a chance to find your own level.

I mean, you can spend all day looking for the gorgeous babes and they won't be remotely interested in you, and you'll just get a sort finger.

Or you can go for girls who might...

Oh, you're talking to me! I thought you were talking about yourself.

I was wondering why you didn't take offence at that.

I mean, that's really good for all of us to realise who can I attract.

You can't date people you can't attract. You've got to work out...

I've been going for the babes. This sucks.

No, no. Who is your ball park?

And also women have to be active in online dating.

I mean, you can't just wait for men to approach you.

And that's really good for women too.

You think that kind of superficial assessment of someone is OK?

That's how we initially react to people.

Not really because we'll see them in an environment that we share -- we might be in the same workplace, in the same bar.

But the initial thing is still, 'What do I think of this person?

Does this person attract me?' That's the beginning.

Are men and women looking for the same thing?

Or do you find that women are looking for love and men are looking for sex or vice-versa?

Lots of... I think lots more men are looking for sex, initially, than women are.

No question about that, particularly as you get older.

I have a lot of male clients who grumble about meeting women who've shut up shop, not interested.

There's a lot of women, it's not on the agenda.

They'd much rather read a good book or a really lousy book or have a good night's sleep.

I come across a lot of people who try online dating and then actually give up on it.

It becomes a little bit of smorgasbord.

'Yes, I want that. No, I don't want that.'

The dates can become quite rote.

Is that your observation?

Look, the online dating thing, you don't go for endless coffee dates where you exchange your whole life history.

I mean, that's so tedious.

You just have to lighten up and stop looking for the perfect match.

Stop looking for 'the one'.

Just think it's fun to meet new people, it's fun to get dressed up on a Saturday night and see where it goes.

Should you have sex on that first date?

Yeah, well, if you can cope with that...

What do you mean 'if you can cope with that'?

How hard are they going?

This is the thing...

Are you thinking they're old, they're going to die?

(Laughter)

Are you insured?

I'm sure we've all had sex with someone we've just met at some stage in our lives.

I don't know about that, Bettina.

Let's not generalise.

And that can be good or can be love.

I have lots of women who want that first sex to be the start of something wonderful, and they get really upset when there's no second date.

That's the risk you take if you go to bed on the first date.

Does it work the other way round?

We grew up in a time when women were told, 'Men only want one thing.'

So the last thing you should do is sleep with a man.

You had to keep there until he really appreciated your personality.

Is that still true?

Men certainly have said to me, 'If she goes to bed with me on the first date, would she do that with everybody?'

Maybe that's a bit Neanderthal, but I think it is still there.

What are some other dos and don'ts that people get involved with in their first dates?

Well, there are women who go with a big shopping list.

I know there's a woman in Sydney who goes with an actual list and ticks it off when she's cross-examining.

What, on the list?

In front of him.

What, like 'has hair'?

'Has hair, job', you know?

'Ex-wife gone'.

There are a lot of women who have a list in their heads and the men get really offended by that.

That is not OK.

Just a sense that they're going through this tick list and thinking, you know, does he shape up?

In terms of bodily functions, what's OK in front of a partner?

Oh, I think there are lots of interesting territory there.

I mean, farting in bed, I think is...

Well, deliberately farting in bed is never OK.

Always hilarious, though. Always.

I also think the issue of flushing is a good one, you know.

You don't mean menopausal flushing.

You're in a new relationship and you've got to pee in the night.

Do you flush or don't you flush?

Will he find it...? All that stuff.

Will he find it in the... Look, if it's No. 2, flush, OK?

The other one that comes up a lot is the musical vag*na.

Women are talking to me about the fact that...

I mean, you make noises.

This is... when you've got activity going on, there's air getting caught and you're making strange noises.

And women get very self-conscious about that.

The alternative is to lie there like a starfish and not move.

No! Let it sing!

Well, on that note... literally... literally... - (Laughter)

Please thank Bettina Arndt, ladies and gentlemen.

(Applause)

Thank you, Bettina.

Now, let's see if Bettina was right regarding bodily functions when it comes to your partner.

What are the rules?

Narrator: Which bodily functions are permissible in front of your partner?

At the beginning of a relationship, neither partner is allowed to admit to bodily functions.

This chicken is really delicious, though.

Last time I had chicken, I had the worst diarrhoea.

For attraction to continue to grow, it must not be countered by the reality of bodily functions.

It was a real ring stinger too.

I'm sorry, I really have to go right now.

That's exactly how I felt when I had the splats.

As time goes by in a relationship, we become more familiar, and the rules of what is acceptable relax.

(Burps)

Burping is allowed after two weeks.

(Belches continuously)

Although one should not abuse the privilege.

(Burps)

Flatulence is authorised after the two-month mark.

(Farts)

Oops.

What was that?

(Laughs)

You are evil.

(Giggles)

But to remain endearing, the volume, duration and bouquet of each commission must all be taken into consideration.

(Farts)

Whoops.

And clipping one's toenails at the dinner table is only acceptable once all affection has drained from the relationship.

(Applause)

I used to bite my toenails when I was younger.

Not in front of my partner, but I used to do that.

According to research relationships hit the comfort phase after exactly 11 months and 24 days.

And do you know what? A survey of British people showed that 51% of Brits admit to going to the toilet in front of their partner.

What do you think?

No.1s or No.2s?

They didn't refer to it as ones or twos.

Well, they need to because No. 1,sweet.

No.2s?

No.2s, no!

I broke up with someone because... it wasn't because of ones or twos, it was because he used those flushable wipes, and I thought, 'That reflects such a lack of awareness about the environment, I cannot go out with you.'

You know what else is not OK?

A friend of mine that I was dating, when you go out to a meal with him, gets his fork and scratches his back.

And then eats with the same fork.

Oh-ho!

Just feeds you some food, like that.

OK, so bodily functions can lead to a break-up, we know that -- toiler paper, blah-blah-blah.

But what are the rules of a break-up?

We put it to the poll and discovered this --

34% of you think it's OK to break up with someone over the phone.

20% think it's OK to do it by letter, which is kind of old-fashioned and almost quaint.

Kind of old-fashioned?

Incredibly old-fashioned?

Oh, my God!

They didn't chisel it into a stone and sent it with a camel.

Also, they get home and they're like, 'Honey, why did you send me a letter?'

Well, I think this is actually an interesting point, Matt, because when you sent a text or whatever, you don't have to really think about it, it's impulsive.

Is it OK to digitally dump someone by text or email?

No.

Well, 14% of men thought so as opposed to 7% of women.

And how's this? 2% of you think it's fine to dump someone by changing your Facebook status.

You crumbos.

That is so cowardly.

Australia, for the actual rules on the mechanics of breaking up with someone, please take a look at this.

(Exclaims)

Narrator: Breaking up with someone is never easy.

What did you want to talk about?

And for years, the face-to-face break-up was considered the only way to conclude a relationship.

It's not working out.

Break-ups are delicate and it's important to prepare for the likelihood that one party might not handle rejection well.

You said you loved me!

Shh! >

Public spaces can be used to strategically suffocate embarrassing outpourings of human emotion.

Enjoying the show?!

If you really can't face breaking up with someone face to face, the telephone is your next best option.

Nicole, yeah, I got you that skim milk that you like.

It's in the door of the fridge.

And I'm leaving you. I never want to see you again, so goodbye.

However, you should ensure the other party is in an appropriate place to process the news.

(Heart monitor flatlines)

If the majority of your relationship was conducted over text, a digital dumping may be appropriate.

But don't forget to include the emoticon.

Managing life post break-up is tricky.

I'm keeping the couch.

Fine. Well, I've got the cushions.

OK. I'm keeping this photograph that my dance instructor Jean-Paul gave me.

Division of your friendship group may be inevitable, but you need to find a way to achieve this amicably.

I'll take Dave 'cause he was my friend first.

Yeah, that's fine.

I'm going to take our favourite cafe and our favourite barista.

I'll take our personal trainer.

Yes! Whoo!

Well, I get the camping buddies.

I'll take Matt who always gets his junk out at parties. - That's classic.

Cool.

(Applause)

The trick there is to always take custody of the friend who has a ute, so that he can help you move out.

The latest break-up trend, Gretel Killeen, is 'ghosting', where someone ends a relationship by, poof, simply disappearing -- no call, no text, no closure, you just walk away.

It's like a very harsh version of 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen'.

That is so not new.

What?

It's been around forever.

What do you think all the people who discovered new nations and new continents...?

They were just breaking up with someone and got in a boat.

That's all it is.

There are cowards all over the world throughout history.

If you've been in a relationship with someone, the rule is be brave and be sincere and own it, talk to them.

No! Just send them a text and get on with your day.

Your generation can have a whole...

It depends, it's how long you've been with them.

If you've been with them for a while, of course they deserve face-to-face.

If you're just doing it every now and then, just a text.

What? 'Not doing it anymore'?

'So I's not up for it, ever.'

(Laughter)

While we're talking about this, I would just like to say that when we're talking about love and dating, there's a lot of prejudice against single people.

You know, they do that whole thing about all the animals went in two by two.

Where was the single monkey?

Where was she? She was hilarious, she wasn't included. She drowned.

And I'm just saying -- stop judging them as though they're inferior.

Maybe people are single because they're too fabulous.

(Laughter)

Well, we've rewritten the handbook of the heart.

And I'm all loved-up, Gretel Killeen.

Are you?

Yes. And I hope you have taken away a few lessons from tonight.

I certainly have. Here we go.

If you look a bit like Matt's girlfriend, he'll just assume you are his girlfriend.

To the guy Gretel stood up all those years ago, she's sorry, she just went out for a double espresso.

I really am sorry. I'm sorry.

And be careful getting intimate with Matt -- his phone credit might run out and, poof, he's a ghost.

Join us next week when we continue to fix the world one rule at a time.

Both: Goodnight.

(Cheering and applause)