02x05 - Employee of the Month

[bunniefuu]

I'm gonna say it. This is too many succulents.

Oh, no... you can never have too many succulents.

Come on!

Oh, wait... shh, shh, shh!

Oh, my God, he's back.

What is he doing?

I don't know.

The 16th time that he's jogged by our house today.

Why is he wearing a garbage bag?

He's sweating it out "Silver Linings Playbook" style, I guess.

Okay, well, that's not good, 'cause that guy was straight up insane.

Saaah!

Oh, no. What is he doing now?

Swert!

I bet he's spinning out from that divorce.

Okay, well, whatever it is, he shouldn't be making that kind of noise.

That's a guttural noise that you should keep in the privacy of your own home.

That's a primal, primal noise.

Surts!

Okay, we gotta say something.

No, no, no, no, don't.

When men are in sorrow, it's a very delicate situation.

Is that right?

Most of what I'm about to tell you I learned on "The Steve Harvey" show.

Okay, you're watching that too much, I think.

What Steve says is, "When MEN are in pain..."

Oh, God, you can't say any of those words or in that way.

When Steve Harvey is in pain, himself...

No.

He says you need to be very careful.

You need to let them come to you.

Now he's doing a one-arm pushup, so I disagree.

Siiites!

He wants us to talk to him.

But don't...

Can I please just say just say something?

It's a trick of...

Hey, Mark?

Maggie! Emma, hey.

Is that you guys?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's the three of us, 'cause it's right in front of our house.

What's going on, guys?

How are you doing?

I'm doing great, man.

Just getting in my reps, working those tris, the thighs, glutes, pretty much all the muscles.

Can't stop. Won't stop, you know?

Are you okay?

We were just gonna go inside and maybe have some fresh sweet tea.

Do you want any?

Oh, yeah.

What are we talking about exactly... sweet tea?

Yeah. Yeah.

I think I can fit it in.

Okay.

Cool! Sounds great.

Hey, why don't we keep that garbage bag at the door?

No problem.

[grunting]

It's the... Ultra Flex, you know what I mean?

Leave it on.

Oh, that's what it is.

[Say Hi's "Back before We Were Brittle" playing]

♪Hey, remember when ♪
♪All of time stood still ♪
♪Ooh, do do do do ♪
♪Back before we were brittle ♪
♪Back before we were brittle ♪

This is delicious.

You eat like this all the time, Charlotte?

It's just a DiGiorno pizza, man.

Well, it tastes like delivery.

Can I say that? It's amazing.

How are things? Are you, uh... are you okay?

I'm great. I'm doing wonderful.

I'm busy fighting crime, working out.

Doing all that kind of stuff to get yourself, you know... get it, you know, like that.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Where are you living these days?

Like in this really awesome pad over at Oakwood Manor.

It's great, man.

A bunch of single guys have all been ousted by their wives.

Uh, a couple strippers.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Really, that's a very bad combination of peoples.

Well, you seem like you're doing great.

Oh, yeah.

You know, considering the divorce and all that you're going through, right, Mags?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, if you ever wanted to talk about anything, anything you're feeling or experiencing, we're right here.

No, I'm good. I'm really... I'm t...

I'm really, really getting back into life.

And I'm starting to get the body back together again.

I'm on a 15-minute interval, so I gotta drop tris right now.

♪ I gotta work it, I gotta work it ♪
♪ I gotta wiggy,wiggy wiggy, wiggy work it ♪

And then ♪Side, side, isolate ♪

[silly scatting]

Do you guys like that hook?

Do you like the ♪ Wiggy wiggy, wiggy, wiggy work it ??

Well, speaking of work it, I gotta be at Rosie's in five.

I don't wanna go. Do I have to go?

I don't know... do you want to go back to doing the books for Bruce's construction business?

Not particularly.

Then put on that apron and start slinging some hash.

And I have to go to the park.

I'm gonna take Charlotte with a... with a friend, and we're gonna go to the park.

I thought you had a date with Rabbi Dan.

Okay, but we don't have to say that in front of our soon-to-be-divorced friend.

No, no, I'm good. I'm good.

No...[laughs] I mean, we've all got stuff to do, right?

I mean, you gotta go to work, and you gotta get hot and heavy with Rabby D., and I, you know, I got a lotta stuff on my plate.

I gotta do a ton of stuff so, you know...

Whoa, whoa, wait! Whoa, guys.

Uh-uh. What's going on with the water pressure?

What do you mean?

You see that?

That doesn't get the germs off.

I can't let you ladies live like this.

You know what I need to do. I need to fix it.

Okay, well, if you need to fix it, then why don't you stay here and do that?

If that's what you need to do.

I don't have a choice, okay?

This is third world water pressure.

You got a baby in this house, guys.

Come on. Where's the toolbox?

It's in the basement.

♪I gotta work it ♪
♪I gotta work it ♪
♪I gotta [scatting] work it ♪

What's going on, Candy? You okay?

You're gerbiling on that straw pretty hard.

I'm freaking out. Phil's announcing Employee of the Month today.

Oh, I'm sure you got it in the bag.

Phil caught me getting motor-boated in the walk-in freezer again!

You gotta lock the door if you're gonna do that.

Getting caught is half the thrill.

That and the cold air on my boobs.

What can I say? I run hot.

Candy, Maggie, birthday, table seven!

Yes! Maggie, you ready to shoop?

I'm not really in the shooping mood.

I might sit this one out.

Your loss!

♪Birthday ♪
♪Birthday ♪
♪ Who's got a birthday, you, you ♪
♪ Who's gonna sing about it, us, us ♪
♪ Buh buh bah bah bah bah ♪
♪ Birthdays happen only once each other ♪
♪Shoop, shoop ♪
♪Singing shoop, shoop ♪
♪So here's a free chocolate sundae ♪
♪And a souvenir glass ♪
♪Scoop, scoop, chocolate ♪
♪Scoop, scoop ♪

Well, I guess, uh...

This is us.

Well, I pretty much just want to see you as much as possible, if that's okay.

Is that weird?

It's not weird at all.

Oh, this is awkward.

I actually wasn't talking to you... I was talking to Charlotte.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Is tomorrow night okay with you?

[babbles]

[laughs]

It has to be tomorrow night.

Absolutes Mah-goots.

All right.

Absolute Mah-goots.

[chatter, giggling]

I will call you too.

Okay.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay, bye.

[Charlotte babbling]

Isn't he just the cutest, Charlotte?

"Absolute Mah-goots".

[gasps]

Oh, my gosh!

What are you still doing here?

I thought you were just gonna fix the water pressure and go... what is up with all these tarps, man?

When I went down to turn off the water, I found a whole beehive of problems.

Number one... you got a beehive.

What?

So I dealt with it.

I stuck a whole bunch of insulation on the outside wall there, but while I was doing that, I noticed that the roofline is also sagging on the north side of the house..

Okay, Mark...

So I shored up...

Mark, Mark.

I know what's going on here, okay?

You're going through a divorce.

You're jogging around in a garbage bag.

I gotta do this real quick.

Come on, man, you're hurting, okay?

Anybody can see it.

Listen, you know what Steve Harvey says?

Steve Harvey?

Yeah.

I'm watching a lot of Steve Harvey lately.

Since Oprah went off the air, I don't really know what to do.

You're preaching to the choir, sister.

Anyway, Steve says, [as Steve] "If you don't fix your own problems..."

No, no, I'm sorry... What's happening right now?

What? What are you talking about?

What's the voice that you're doing?

I'm saying Steve Harvey said, "If YOU don't fix your own problems"...

Stop, see... "YOUR own..."

That's not how you say your own.

That's what Steve said.

Can you do me a favor?

Stop, and just write...

Why?

Everything down for me, 'cause this is offensive.

Fine. "If you don't fix your own problems, you spend all your time fixing other people's problems."

Do you not want me to fix your jinky garbage disposal?

What's wrong with my garbage disposal?

Someone put a rump roast in there.

Oh...

I gotta get it out!

I gotta trap that!

I put that down there.

Was I not supposed to do that?

And can you fix it?

And don't tell Maggie.

You...

Thank you so much!

Hey, Phil.

Candy said you wanted to see me?

Yeah. Come on in, Maggie.

Look, I don't know how to say this but, uh...

God, what's going on?

[pop] Ha ha! Congratulations!

You're Employee of the Month!

Oh, my God, that was terrifying!

I thought you were dying!

I am dying... to give you this!

And a $20 gift certificate to Rosie's!

No. No, no, no, Phil. I can't accept these.

You should give them to Candy.

No can do, muchacha.

Look, I think we both can agree that these last couple of months here have been pretty special. I want you to start thinking about coming on full-time.

Oh, no. The reason I took this job was 'cause I wanted the flexible hours for me and my daughter.

I like to think we here at Rosie's are also your family. For real.

Okay, well, that's sweet, but I...

Look Maggie, listen to my words.

You're smart. You're capable.

You're never getting motor-boated in the walk-in.

Well...

And you're the best waitress I've ever seen.

[laughs] Okay.

And if you think about it... you could work here the rest of your life.

Huh? Okay, here, come on!

Gimme a big old hug, would you?

[chuckles]

Oh, actually, turn your head towards my webcam.

And if you could shed some tears, it would help me a ton.

[whispering] Trying to get on "Undercover Boss."

[chuckling]

Check out this garbage!

Employee of the Month? That's great!

No, it's not!

He told me I'm his best waitress.

I thought you liked Rosie's.

I do, I do, it's just, since Charlotte, I feel like... [hammering]

God, what is that noise?

Oh, it's Mark. He's on the roof.

What? I thought he was just fixing the water pressure.

He's spinning out about the divorce.

It's clearly a cry for help.

I don't think that's what's happening.

[clatter, thudding] [Mark grunting]

Ah!

[thud] Aah!

Oh, God, help me!

Oh, it's a code 3. Officer down!

It's all right... I think you have a sprained ankle.

Ooh, that's... [hisses] Ooh, I need some milk.

I need some chocky milk.

Chocky milk?

Do you have pain anywhere else?

Okay, you don't need to go to the hospital.

You just need RICE: Rest, ice, compression, elevation.

No, Emma, tell her... tell her I gotta go to the hospital.

Tell her to take me... talk some sense into your woman, please.

Okay, Mags, why don't you just take him to the hospital?

I'll stay here with Char Bar.

Okay. But the doctor's just gonna say the exact same thing I just said.

I don't think so.

Yeah, all you need is RICE: Rest, ice, compression, elevation.

Sound familiar, huh?

But Doc, seriously, give it to me straight.

Am I ever gonna walk again?

Your ankle's gonna be fine.

But you do appear to be a child trapped in a man's body, so... you know, get that checked out.

Is it okay if I suck on some ice chips?

You can eat whatever you want.

It's just a sprained ankle.

Maggie, can you get me some frosty ice chips?

Sure. Coming right up.

Just make sure that they're really frosty, though.

You got it.

Oh, my God. Maggie?

Michaela!

Maggie!

Shut your face!

[laughing]

How are you?

What are you doing here?

My friend fell off a roof.

Oh...

He's fine, though.

Oh, it's so good to see you!

So good to see you too!

What hospital are you at?

Oh, I'm, uh, I'm not working.

I'm not doing nursing. No. I just, um...

Yeah, I had to leave school when my parents...

God, yes, I'm so sorry.

That was so devastating.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, it's fine.

So I moved home to take care of my brother, and then I started working and had a baby and got married, and not in that order but, you know...

Oh, yeah. I have three of my own.

How are you still standing?

I don't know!

[both laughing]

Oh, God, we really missed you when you left school.

Oh, thank you so much.

Mr. Sanchez has left his bed again.

Mr. Sanchez... freeze!

Okay, I gotta go deal with this.

It was so good to see you again!

It just kills me you're not a nurse.

You were such a natural.

Mr. Sanchez, put your pants back on right now!

Can I get you anything else, your Highness?

Find "m*rder, She Wrote."

Oh, my God, you've gotta stop watching those!

I'm in pain, and I gotta go to Cabot Cove, 'cause nothing bad ever happens there.

Only bad things happen there!

There's a m*rder there, like, every week!

Yeah, and then Jessica solves it because she's a crime fighter and a novelist, and that's sexy as hell.

Oh, my Gosh.

"Hooray for Homicide" or "We're Off to k*ll the Wizard"?

[clicks tongue, inhales]

"Wizard" it is. Play.

That's my jam right there.

[m*rder She Wrote Theme plays]

Oh, my God, Mark is driving me crazy!

He's been hogging the TV for the past 24 hours.

Why does he have to stay with us?

Because he doesn't have anyone else to take care of him except for single dads and strippers.

Well, at 2:00, Steve Harvey's gonna force a bunch of moms to face their fear of clowns, so will you tell him I need the TV?

You need to tell him yourself, because I have to go to work because what adults do is go to jobs they don't like...

Shh!

And be Employee of the Month.

Please, Maggie!

Work it out!

You're not getting any tips with that attitude.

[video game sounds]

Ugh. What now?

What is this crap?

A video game.

It's called Fatal Blowout 2.

Fatal Blowout 2?

That's what happened to me when I went to Chico's Mexican Restaurant.

Disgusting.

Completely and utterly disgusting.

What's the story with this game?

It's a post-apocalyptic world where all the spiders have become sentient.

Who's that guy?

That is Lor-krieg.

He is the King of all Spiders.

Well, I would not trust him.

I don't trust him.

That's why I'm throwing grenades at him.

You shouldn't go closer to him.

I have to go in there to drop a grenade...

Oh, no, his friend's...

His friend's gonna get you from behind.

She's getting you from behind!

She's got you from behind!

Come on...

Oh!

Damn it!

Game voice: You are destroyed.

He just cold blood spider m*rder*d you!

You think you can do better?

Oh, no, I know I could do better.

All right. Let's go.

Fine. But I would like to be a woman with enormous boobs.

You can't... no...

And have that t*nk top...

A tight t*nk.

There are no women in the game.

What?

There are no women in the game.

Everybody's a guy, okay?

Well, that's classic. Know what I mean?

What kind of message does that send to the women of America?

If it means that...

That we can't pick up a g*n and m*rder spiders? Well, yes, we can.

Please stop talking.

It was just so crazy running into her, you know?

I hadn't thought about nursing school in years.

And I was almost finished.

Yeah? I thought I was gonna be a big Broadway star after I graduated high school.

You could still do it. You got the pipes.

Ugh, nah. Turns out Broadway's in New York City.

I hate New York City.

I don't care what Billy Joel says.

But isn't there like a tiny part of you that still wants to try?

Hey, guys. Birthday, table nine.

It's twins!

Ha! Who needs New York?

I got my own little Broadway right here.

[rolling tongue] Brrrrrrrl!

♪Birthdays happen only once each year ♪
♪Shoop, shoop, sing it, shoop, shoop ♪
♪So here's your free chocolate sundae ♪
♪And a souvenir, aah ♪
♪Scoop, scoop, chocolate scoop ♪

Suck it!

Suck it, spider, suck it!

That's a roll right there...

That's why it's in your mouth!

Suck it all night long!

That's where you want it!

[overlapping comments] Yes!

Game voice: Well done, soldier.

Jacked up in the lip and sliced up.

Oh!

Now we get to rest and reap our rewards because we k*lled up all them spiders.

Prepare for battle.

All right, drop ship is coming down. It's touching down.

Here we go.

In three, two, one.

I'm gonna be on six...

I got a wolf spider at 2:00...

[overlapping chatter] You got it?

Ooh, I got it, I got it!

Oh, sweet!

Bam, that's good!

[phone buzzing]

Oh. Oh, your boyfriend's calling.

Oh... what? Oh, crap, crap, crap!

Oh, release the gas! [phone buzzing]

Okay, you know what? Call back.

[game sounds continue]

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!

Mark, use the spin snapper!

No, no, no, no... hold...

Where are you?

I'm being k*lled here!

I'm gonna change to crossbow.

It's more noble.

No, no, no!

We don't have time for noble! This is w*r!

Michaela?

Hey, you!

Hey!

Back again?

What do you need? Clean urine?

'Cause I don't have it.

No, I, um... I actually wanted to pick your brain about something.

'Cause I'm thinking about going back to nursing school, and I wanna know if that's crazy.

What's crazy about it?

You only have, like, a semester left, right?

I just, you know, it's been forever, and I have a nine-month-old at home, so it's...

Oh, ugh, come on, please.

When I was in school, I had Tommy breast-feeding, Gina was running around like a maniac, and I had Robert like ten months later!

That's why I don't have sex with my husband anymore.

So you really think I could do it?

Become a nurse.

Absolutely!

That's what marriage is for, right?

Tell the husband to get up off his ass and help you!

Force field, force field.

Force field, force field.

That's noice!

This must be the furthest, like, any human has ever gotten in this game... am I right?

This is nothing. This is like a Tuesday for me.

Yeah, I mean, I'm pretty good, right?

You're terrible.

Oh! No kicking me with your shark toes.

What?

You have shark toes.

I can't believe you still don't trim those things.

What are you talking about?

Hey, you used to roll over in bed in the middle of the night and cut me to shreds.

Yeah, yeah... was it something like that?

Ow! That's... you're gonna cut me.

Don't put your feet on me.

You need... what you have is a toe phobia.

Please put your feet away.

And face it 'cause you have...

I will not face it. a foot phobia...

Okay, you're gonna get...

[overlapping comments]

Counter-att*ck! Now we're doing it...

[laughing]

Get your feet out of my face!

Get off of my face!

[both laughing]

Hey, guys.

Oh! Maggie, Maggie!

Maggie!

How are you? [thud]

Aah! Ow! Darn it all to hell!

[Charlotte cries]

Oh!

[mouthing words]

I'm sorry. I'll get her.

No, no, no. Why don't you stay?

Finish your... your game.

[Charlotte crying]

Okay, uh, I guess we should...

I was gonna head to bed.

Yeah.

Oh, good idea. Yeah, that's real good.

I'm gonna head to couch.

But this was fun, though.

Good night.

Good night to you, sir.

Hey. Where's the English Patient?

I don't know. I think he left.

Oh. Okay.

Well, it's probably for the best.

At least I get my Steve Harvey back.

Maggie, what's wrong?

Oh, God, am I talking about Steve Harvey too much?

A little bit, but that's not it. I'm...

I-I just have a question that I need to ask you that's very important, and I don't know how to ask.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is it?

Tell me!

I don't wanna be a waitress forever and get motor-boated in the walk-in freezer and be on "Undercover Boss."

If I'm gonna be away from Charlotte, it has to be for something that I really care about.

Maggie, what are you talking about?

[shrill crying/talking]

What? What?

Okay. You're gonna need to stop crying just a little bit so I can understand what you're saying.

I'll try to say it better.

Try to say it...

[crying/talking]

Okay, I still don't... I need...

I wanna be a nurse What?

I wanna be a nurse.

You wanna be...

A nurse! You wanna be a nurse!

I wanna go to school and I wanna be a nurse.

Okay!

I don't know what kind of nurse... do I have to decide right now?

No! No!

'Cause I think I'd be good with old people just the same as babies.

Okay!

Okay, but it's gonna be really hard. It's gonna be in rotations, and I'm never gonna be home, and you're gonna have to ferry milk back and forth, and I know how you hate touching those milk bags.

You've told me very many times how you hate touching those milk bags.

Are you done?

No, I don't think so.

I have so much to say on the matter, because I care about you a lot and you've given up a lot, and it's a big question.

Okay. Can I speak?

Okay.

Okay, sit down for just one second.

Take a deep breath.

[inhales, exhales]

If this is what you want, we are gonna make it happen, okay?

Hey, you have spent your entire life taking care of other people.

How about you let me take care of you while you learn to take care of other people?

Damn it! Why are you always taking care of other people?

It's what I love to do.

Well, you're gonna be great at it.

Thank you.

Okay.

Hey, this is why I moved back here, all right?

And it just so happens, I love to take care of that little monkey upstairs.

Isn't she the greatest?

She's the greatest.

All right?

Yeah, there's just... one more thing.

What's that?

Um...

We can never go back to Rosie's.

But that's where we get our waffles.

I know, but I can't face Phil again.

Yeah, but Maggie, that's where we get our waffles!

[sobbing]

Oh, this is the worst day of my entire life.

Don't worry... I'm hamming it up a little bit for the "Undercover B."

Oh.

Okay?

Be great if I got some waterworks from you too.

[sniffling]

[whimpering/talking]

[sobbing]

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you too.

I love waiting tables!

[sobbing]

Amazing waitress.

You're the best boss ever.

She thinks I'm a good boss.

Is that good?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, one more thing.

Just a little thing before you leave.

You see this waffle, Char Bar?

When you want something, you gotta fight for it.

That's what your mama does.

Oh! Delicious!

Hey.

Oh, hey!

Hi.

I'm so sorry I didn't call you back last night.

Yeah, what happened?

I thought we were gonna hang out.

I know, I just ended up eating a bunch of candy, and then I fell asleep.

Oh, wow.

That was... that was really...

Hey, Dan.

Hey!

How'd it go with Phil?

He's gonna be fine.

I just had to promise him to do one last thing.

What's that?

Oh, no...

It's your birthday.

♪Who's got a birthday? You, you ♪
♪Who's gonna sing about it? Us, us ♪
♪ Bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah ♪
♪ Bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah ♪
♪Birthdays happen only once each year ♪
♪Shoop, shoop, sing it ♪
♪Shoop, shoop ♪
♪Chocolate scoop, scoop ♪
♪Scoop, scoop ♪

All right, Candy, I'm dating him.

Enjoy.

Now I feel like we don't have enough succulents.

Well, I hate to say this, but I told you.

What?

Oh, God. It's happening again.

Are you kidding me?

Okay, should we say something?

We gotta say something.

No, we can't.

We just got Mark out of our house.

I am fierce. I am enough.

If you thought Mark was a nightmare, this is like next level crazy.

But we don't have the same problem with her that we had with Mark, because you're not gonna climb on top of her and get into it.

All right!

Oh, no, what is she doing now?

Oh, God, now she's prancercising.

I am fierce.

Oh, come on.

I am enough.

Oh, fine. I'll get the DiGiornos.

Both: Tina!