01x06 - Go Shorty, It's Your Birthday

[bunniefuu]

[children laughing]

Jim!

It's time to wake up.

What are you doing? Wake up.

Come on, wake up.

[man beatboxing]

♪

[man humming and beatboxing]

♪ ♪

Are you awake?

Yeah.

Jim, are you awake?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You said you had to meet Dave.

This is the last time I'm trying.

No, no. I was just meditating.

Okay, listen. I'm warning you.

I don't want you to do anything today.

Ah, okay. Mission accomplished.

Okay. Okay.

Wait. You do know what day today is?

Yeah, yeah.

It's... um... we're looking at an apartment with Daniel.

Yes, it's that, but it's also my...

B-I-R-T-H-D-A-Y.

Birthday.

Shhh!

No, I know about that, but also the apartment, but of course I know it's your birthday.

Shhh!

My birthday, today?

No, it's not your birthday. No, come on.

It's... um... it's soon, though.

Come on. Let's go play with your Legos, and it's no one's birthday!

You see that?

Birthday celebrations are for kids, so stop bringing it up.

Oh... oh, I won't. I didn't.

You brought... ugh! God, you're so weird about your birthday.

I'm not weird. I just don't want anyone to know.

You brought up your birthday so I wouldn't bring up your birthday. That's weird.

It's just everything feels like such a disappointment on my birthday.

Like... look, I can't believe I'm doing laundry on my birthday.

So don't do laundry.

We have five kids, Jim.

I have to do laundry every day.

If I skip one day, everything falls apart.

I'll never recover.

I could do the laundry.

You do not mean that.

No, of course not, but it was nice of me to offer.

Just seriously listen to me.

Don't do anything this year.

No stupid last-minute gifts.

All right. Wait, hey. I got you a good gift last year.

You got me a gift certificate to a restaurant.

What's wrong with Eataly?

That's one of my favorite places.

Yeah, exactly, and, honey, I know you try, but don't do one of your horrible poems.

Horrible?

I thought you loved that haiku.

Comparing me to fried cheese curds.

You know, that's an honor in Green Bay.

But you know what, you're right.

You're much more like cheese fries.

I-I'll do better. I can do much better.

No, please, don't do better.

Don't do anything.

Don't do anything.

Do nothing.

I don't want anything, and whatever you do, don't tell the kids it's my birthday.

Okay.

Happy birthday, Miss Jeannie!

[children cheer]

Cumpleaños feliz,

Wow!

- te deseamos a ti.

Wow, wow, wow, Jim.

Oh, look at this.

It's a 90-year-old woman.

She has no teeth.

She says, "You're like fine wine.

You're only getting better with age." I love it.

What is Mister getting su amor for her present?

Otro poema estupido?

Well, it's a surprise.

Aw.

Ah... ah, don't worry.

I'm gonna get her exactly what she wants.

Ay, dios mio, no mas niños, por favor.

Can we put a big sign on the door that says "Happy Birthday, Mommy?"

No.

Who's older, Daddy, you or Mommy?

Well, we never ask a woman her age.

Right.

But your mom's only ten years older than your dad.

all: Are you one? Are you two? Are you three? Are you four?

Are you five? Are you six? Are you seven? Are you eight? Are you nine?

I got to meet Dave.

I should be back around 35.

all: Are you 14? Are you 15?

Paw Patrol, each character is like a different emergency vehicle.

Oh, I don't like that street.

What's wrong with this block?

Too many cracks.

There's nothing wrong...

It's just...

Isn't it, like, amazing that the two most special people in your life share a birthday?

I think that's remarkable.

Wait, Jeannie and Beyoncé have the same birthday?

Ah...

Does she, ah, still not celebrate hers?

She won't even let me say the word "birthday."

What is it with women and their birthdays, man?

I mean it's... it's... it's like a age denial thing or something.

I mean, I-I love my birthday.

Jeannie and I are so different.

It really makes you call into question the whole zodiac thing, you know?

That's what makes you question astrology, huh?

What'd you get her?

Nothing.

She doesn't want anything.

Oh, and you're buying that?

Yeah.

Oh, come on, she may say that's what she really wants, but trust me, that is not what the woman really wants.

Well, thanks for clarifying that.

Oh, come on, everybody wants something for their birthday.

I mean take me, for instance.

I'm less complicated, you know?

Like, I've had my eye on this Leica camera for a while, you know, just saying.

You know, if I'm not getting my wife a present, I'm certainly not getting you a present.

Ah, you're right. Better left a surprise.

Here's the surprise, Dave. No present.

Okay, forget the camera, but John Varvatos is having a 50% off sale.

There's a store right next to your apartment. Easy peasy.

The store could be in my apartment.

I'm still not getting you anything.

Why not?

'Cause you're not a child.

Well, not an actual child.

You know I have five kids, right?

Yeah, how could I forget?

So?

All right.

Well, there's a birthday in my apartment every other week.

It's like Chuck E. Cheese's without the pizza, you know?

It's like there's always presents.

It's constant presents.

You know, how about this?

Lunch will be your present.

Oh, come on. You always get me lunch.

Well, today, it's a present.

You're welcome.

Okay. Okay.

So where and what time should I be at the party?

What party?

Oh, man, you... that's good acting, Jim.

Whoa, Dave.

I'm not throwing you a surprise birthday party.

No, no, no, of course.

'Cause if you told me, it wouldn't be a surprise, so...

Why would you think I'm gonna throw you a surprise birthday party?

Jim, you must think I'm an idiot.

Well, "idiot" seems harsh, but okay.

Let's just say that your subtle hints have not been so subtle.

What subtle hints?

It's obvious.

I'm not getting you a present, therefore your party is the present.

That is ridiculous.

Don't, don't, don't.

Don't say... don't spoil it, all right?

Please don't spoil the surprise. We know you have a big mouth.

All right, just do me one favor regarding the party.

Do not invite Eddie Pepitone.

That guy is a downer.

Don't worry, Eddie won't be at the party 'cause there is no party.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

Methinks this lady-eth is not buy-eth you lunch-eth.

It's not in here, is it? 'Cause it's, like, too early in the day for a party for me. I don't like that.

[man beatboxing]

Wow.

Oh, hey, Jim, can you, ah, take off your shoes, please?

Sure, sorry.

And could you take off those socks?

Really?

Yeah.

Is there any way you could take your feet off?

You know, what's it like to know you're gonna die alone?

What a view. I mean It's... right? you can see all of every... hold on a second.

Do you guys see that, in that window?

The shape of the building makes it look like there's, like, devil eyes, like, staring at us.

Like, it would be staring at, like, our children, like, in the morning while they eat cereal.

We can't live here.

Right.

We got to go.

I'm just gonna use the bathroom really quickly.

Yeah. Right around the corner.

I'll be right back.

I'll go after you.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

So, Jim, what are you getting Jeannie for her birthday?

Why should I tell you?

You're not getting her anything, are you?

She doesn't want anything.

Jim, do not be the cliché of the fat ugly guy who knows nothing.

That's not even a cliché.

Well, you're making it one.

Look, by some freakish twist of probability, you are married to that woman.

You need to get her something.

As much as I enjoy taking relationship advice from someone who could fill Madison Square Garden with ex-boyfriends, I'll have you know Jeannie specifically told me not to get her anything.

Which means not only does she want something, she really wants something.

That's ridic...

[phone rings]

Hold on a second.

Hey, Dave.

Yeah.

L... look, for the last time, I'm not buying you a present, and I'm not throwing you a party.

Okay, good-bye.

Wow. Not only a great husband, you're also a wonderful friend.

Daniel, it's impossible to get Jeannie a present 'cause nobody knows what she wants or needs.

She doesn't have a watch.

She hasn't gotten a new bag in three years.

She needs a new dress for her cousin's wedding.

How would I know her sizes?

Hips 32, waist 26, bust 34, unless she's nursing. Then it's 36.

Her wrist size is 4 1/2 inches.

Why do you know my wife's wrist size?

Why do you not?

Oh, there's, like, a Cartier t*nk watch that she wants.

I know a jeweler who will sell it to you for, like, a thousand.

$1,000?

No, Jim, a thousand French Fries.

Come on, that's, like, over 50% off.

How can you put a price tag on a woman who does everything for you and asks for nothing in return?

She does ask for something.

She asked for nothing.

Fine, I'll get her the watch, and then she'll stick it in the drawer with all the other stuff that's too nice to wear.

Yeah, that drawer doesn't exist, Jim.

Well, if... if we keep getting things that she doesn't wear.

You know what I'm saying.

Are we getting Korean barbecue?

I like it 'cause you get to put the food together.

You know, you cook it...

I don't... I don't wanna hear about it...

I don't want to hear about it.

Korean food is like...

I don't want to hear you...

I don't want to hear you talking about food ever again.

Jeannie.

Jeannie: I don't know where you've been, but I hope you didn't ignore my only wish and go out and get me something.

Of... course not.

Oh, thank you.

I appreciate you listening to me.

That's why you're such a good husband.

Oh, please come in.

Don't feel the need to knock.

So did you give her the watch yet?

I... I bought the watch, but I've reconsidered.

I'm not gonna give it to her.

Did you even buy it, Jim?

Yeah, I bought the watch. It's right here.

Jeannie, I brought you something!

Somebody's 29 again!

Daniel.

I brought you some flowers and a little something special.

A Cartier?

Oh, can you believe it?

It's exactly the watch I wanted.

Oh, no.

all: Piñata! Piñata! Piñata!

Piñata time.

Olé, olé, olé!

Piñata! Piñata!

Come here.

Come here.

What?

What?!

What the hell was that?

What was what?

Why would you give her the watch I bought?

Were you gonna give it to her?

No. Yes. I don't... I hadn't decided yet.

Oh, okay. Let me reassure you.

I will reimburse you for your wife's birthday gift.

You will have contributed in no way to her happiness.

That's not the point.

Good-bye.

You...

Goodbye.

That's wrong, you're...

Au revoir.

[phone rings]

What is it, Dave?

Dave: Jim, man, look. It's getting late, okay?

I'm gonna need to know where and when for my party 'cause someone else wants to throw me one.

I want to make sure it doesn't conflict.

I'm sure it won't conflict because...

[sniffs] Ugh.

For the last time, I'm not throwing you a party.

Dave: Oh, I'm sorry, but with the constant hinting on your part, my confusion is understandable, unless this latest denial is part of the surprise to which I would say, you're really overplaying your hand, Jim.

Just go with the other person, okay?

Who is it, anyway?

Who's what now?

The other person throwing a party.

Dave: That... that would be me. That would be me. Ah... it's... it's...

I'm doing it downstairs, Bowery Ballroom, 10:30 tonight.

Please, no gifts. All right.

You talked me into it, but...

I got to go.

Dora piñata is hanging from the ceiling in the kids' room, and they're b*ating her savagely with sticks.

It's an image that will stay in my head for a good long time.

Did you get a whack at her?

Oh, believe me.

This is the last day you'd want to put a stick in my hands.

[voices overlapping]

How many times you gonna k*ll Dora?

Come here, please. No, no, no, no.

Jim: Why is it I can't get you a present or even mention that it's your...

[whispers] birthday, but when Daniel does, you're like, "Oh, Daniel. It's perfect.

You're so much better than my insensitive husband."

Honey, I have to play along with Daniel because I don't want to hurt his feelings.

You should be happy that I can be so honest with you.

But, really, isn't this an amazing watch?

He probably got a discount on it.

Someone's jealous.

Who were you on the phone with?

It was Dave. He's throwing himself a huge birthday party.

He wants me to come. Yeah.

He is such a child.

What grown man throws himself a birthday party?

Are you going?

Of course not.

I'm gonna be here with you on your... you know.

You should go. No. - No.

It'd just be weird, me being out on today.

No, I want you to go.

It's too depressing for us to just sit home together tonight and do nothing.

But I thought you wanted to do nothing.

No, but if you're not here, I don't even have to think about what day it is that I'm doing nothing on.

Right.

all: Yay! Candy!

So the kids get to celebrate your birthday with you?

I have convinced the kids that it's Blanca's birthday.

You're lying to your children.

You're the one who told them last Halloween that their candy was poisonous so that you could eat it.

Some of it was. I felt pretty sick the next day.

Just go to Dave's party.

[all yelling at once]

No, no, no! Stop.

Put that down!

Give me that.

You already took her head off.

Jim: Give me that candy!

The candy is poisoned.

All right, this one's not poison.

This one's poison.

[voices overlapping]

Thanks.

Jim, don't you find it baffling that Dave Marx has this many friends?

All he does is complain.

He doesn't complain that much.

Look at this. Look at this.

Sophie gets me a cardigan sweater like I'm an old man.

I mean I'm... I'm not even a sweater guy. I mean, she should know that.

Well, you have known her for a week, you know?

Hey, Jim, man. Check out those chicks.

Whoa. Young stuff.

Who's working the door here?

Oh, no, no.

The blonde one's mine. That's Sophie, all right?

She's 23, okay? Relax.

Right.

That's what they always say before Chris Hansen walks in. Good luck.

23? That's a little old for you.

I got to get her back to Jersey by midnight or her dad's gonna kick my ass.

Well, it is a school night, right?

You know what, man?

I should've just gone with the party you were planning.

You know, Seinfeld didn't even show up.

Well, he got the invitation, what, two hours ago?

It's Seinfeld. I mean, who the hell does that guy think he is, you know?

I mean who d*ed and made him the god of comedy, you know?

We're all supposed to bend down and kiss the guy's ring, and he can't be bothered to show up to another comedian's birthday?

I mean, the guy is irrelevant.

He's been irrelevant for years.

Seinfeld's here.

Wha... what? Oh, Jerry!

Jerry!

You see how young and nubile Dave Mark's girlfriend is?

Yeah.

Yeah. It's inappropriate.

You both have daughters. Daughters.

Why are you always bringing up our daughters?

Yeah...

You want me to bring up your sons?

Wait a minute. What are you guys doing here?

I thought you hated Dave Marx.

Well, I do.

I hope he dies in a fire, but I love free alcohol, and that's an open bar.

Yeah, this champagne is $100 a glass.

Time for a refill.

What's up man?

How are you doing?

Oh, amazing, right?

Great party, huh?

I'd rather take an acting class with Jeremy Piven.

Ah, I'm gonna hightail it over to this place on the Lower East Side. You want to come?

Nah, I should stick it out here.

Not a fan of sex, huh?

Eddie, thanks for making it.

How are you doing?

Not good.

One of my cats just d*ed.

Second one this month, and I've got a new mole growing on my back.

You want to take a look at this?

I'm... I'm good.

I'll look at it.

Damien'll look.

Oh, freaky.

Jim, can you get my husband to stop talking to the children Dave Marx is dating?

Bonnie, you're the one who married him.

Let me see.

Look.

I'm from Jersey.

You're from Jersey.

Let me give you a lift home.

Isn't that your wife right there?

No, that's okay. She can sit in the back.

Are you Jim Gaffigan?

Ah, it would be sad if I looked like this, and I wasn't.

Can I have your autograph?

Ah, sure. Ah, Sophie, right?

It's for my dad.

Oh, okay.

How did you and Dave meet again?

It's a really funny story.

Tinder.

I-I-Is that the funny part or the story part?

Is Anziz Asari here?

Ah, I-I don't think so.

Oh, that's too bad.

This place is pretty cool.

Yeah, but you should've seen the place he had his 40th.

I thought this was his 30th birthday.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I was talking about his, ah, dad's 40th.

The ambassador?

Yeah, the ambassador.

Well, n-nice to meet you guys.

Ah, I gotta go, buddy.

Ah, of course you're leaving.

This party sucks.

And you know what that means.

The whole rest of the year's gonna stink.

Oh, look at the bright side. At least you're not superstitious.

Well, anyway, man, thank you for this.

I appreciate it. I really do.

Just, ah, you know, make sure to give the manager your credit card on the way out.

Gr... oh... what, y-you expect me to pay for your party?

Well, I mean, technically, we're splitting it, right?

I mean, I did most of the work.

You didn't expect me to pay for my own party.

That'd be kind of pathetic, huh?

Well, happy 30th, Dave.

Say hey to the ambassador for me.

Oh, hey.

Do I know you?

You're that... that kid actor, right?

Me?

Yeah, the, um... the kid from Christmas Story.

No. No, no. I thought you were...

How come we don't see you at group anymore?

No, I... what?

We miss you, man.

No, I'm...

You look terrible. You look really puffy.

No, that's not me.

Wait, what?

And then Shalu and Christian Finnegan got in a huge political argument.

Vos drove Dave's girlfriend back to Jersey, and Bonnie sat in the backseat.

Hysterical.

I am so glad you had so much fun.

You know, I have to admit, Jeannie.

I felt guilty all day that I didn't get you anything.

Okay. You're in big trouble.

What did you get me?

Exactly what you asked for, nothing.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Oh. Thank you.

Yeah.

Ah!

Ah!

I can't believe you actually did nothing for my birthday.

Are you serious?

I did exactly what you wanted me to do.

No, I know, I know.

I didn't actually want you to get me something.

I just thought you would get me something.

You know, for your information, I did get you something.

I got you a really nice watch.

Well, I already have the watch that Daniel got me, which is really nice.

If you like that watch, you would've really liked the one I got.

Okay, where is it?

Daniel gave it to you!

You're not even making sense!

Neither are you, Jeannie!

You asked me to do nothing, and then when I do nothing it's a problem?

C... what do you want?

What do I want?

Yeah!

What do I want?

I don't want to get any older.

How about that, Jim?

Can you get me that for a present?

Jeannie, come on.

You are more beautiful than the 20-year-old girls I was with at the club tonight.

What 20-year-old girls?

But...

No, that's not the... it's not about looks, Jim.

It's about getting older and time passing and the kids growing up and moving out and not needing me anymore.

The kids aren't gonna move out any time in the next 18 years.

And if they're like Dave, they're never gonna move out.

They will always need you.

They'll always need you too.

Well, hopefully I'll be dead by then.

No, that's part of it.

I don't want you getting older either, Jim.

Well, you're lucky, 'cause I'm like a fine wine.

Whoa.

I only get better with age.

This is like a grandmother... it's not putting me in the mood.

All right, look. Then, let's just go to sleep.

Tomorrow's a regular old day where I can do nothing and not feel guilty.

Okay. Goodnight, Jim.

Happy birthday, Jeannie.

Next year, I really don't want you to do anything for my birthday.

Oh, I'll be long gone by then.

Jim.

If you cremate me, put me in a jar that you'd hold pickles.

I love pickles.

I'd like country music at my funeral.

I don't really know any of the country music, but it seems like a sad ballad like that would work.

Maybe a cowboy hat, even though I didn't wear one in real life.

In my casket, I'd like to wear a cowboy hat.

Of course, pink.