01x06 - Tattoo You

[bunniefuu]

Johnny: Jesus.

Jesus was my second choice.

Jesus would have appreciated it.

I was trying to show some commitment to you, Dad, to us.

I know, but what if... What if you change your mind?

What if things don't work out?

Change my mind?

You're my father forever.

I know, but you could. What if, you know...

I thought it would make you happy.

I thought it would make you smile or cry or just not make the face that you're making right now.

It's just, it must have hurt like a bitch.

Or said that, which is so touching.

I think we're overreacting here just a little bit.

[knock on door]

All right, I... you know what, I was shocked, honey.

That's all, and you know what?

I like it. I think... you know what?

I love it. I think it's dope.

I think it's cool.

Cat.

Hey, Johnny Not A Rock Star.

Mom?

[hard rock music]

♪ Sex and dr*gs and rock and roll ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't want to die ♪
♪ Anonymous ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ ♪

Cat: Oh, Boo Boo!

Gigi: No, no, no, don't hug me.

Don't hug me, please!

Okay, that's fine.

Oh, whoa!

Ava, Jesus Christ.

You look hot as sh*t.

Get over here, huh?

What's up, Cat? Oh.

Huh? Look at us.

Yeah.

All back together.

One big happy family.

What are you doing here?

What... I come to see my little girl in the big city, huh?

Holy sh*t, you got a tattoo there.

Yes, she did.

Oh, that's for him.

That's nice. Where's mine?

I should have gotten one for you; he hates his.

Oh, why? Do you hate the color?

He doesn't like commitment.

Do you not have Gigi's name on you?

No, no, actually, he doesn't.

Huh, 'cause I got this...

Oh, cool.

The day after I brought her home, but you have some Ava ink on you.

No, no, he doesn't have that, either.

I have this, but he won't get an Ava tat.

Holy sh*t, your ass is still totally perfect.

She has that and you won't get one?

Nut up, all right. You got to get some Ava ink.

You got to get some Gigi ink, and you've got to stop being such a fairy.

I'm not being a fairy, okay.

I'm being original.

That's what I'm doing, all right.

I mean, every other douchebag you see on the street now has a tattoo.

Not you, honey.

I'm talking about... Back in the day only bikers and rock stars and marines and firefighters had 'toos.

Like, really cool ones, like, bodacious babes and, like, flaming dice and, you know, heroic dead guy names, and now what do you...

Every skinny white dipshit you see out there has got a razor wire on his pink freckled arm, and the black guys getting tattoos?

It doesn't even make any sense. It's black on black.

You can't even read it.

I've been staring at LeBron James's right shoulder for the last ten years.

I still can't tell what the f*ck is on there.

Is it a lion's head or the Statue of Liberty?

I don't know, but I'll tell you something.

That's why I'm not getting a tattoo.

I'm being original, okay.

I'm... I'm not afraid.

I'm a... I'm a rebel.

I'm a lone rebel yell.

Plus he's afraid of needles.

Ah.

I'm allergic.

It's completely different.

You know I get those rashes.

You're allergic to balls! [laughs]

Oh, is it not cool to smoke in here?

What is that?

What's what?

The lightning bolt on your hip, the tattoo.

This? It's just something I got back in the day.

Well, I've never seen it before in my life.

Yeah, well, because I dress more conservatively back in Ohio.

I guess the old stomping grounds brings out the old whore in me.

But I know that symbol. That's Flash's symbol.

It's on one of his favorite acoustics from back in his Heathens days.

Okay.

It's not like it's a big deal, but right before we were set to go on the Heathens world tour, the one that never happened because your father broke up Flash's marriage, Flash and I had a little thing going on...

Really?

Cat: And so I decided to get a tat.

I was gonna reveal it to him and seal the deal, and then the band broke up, and then I found out I was pregnant with your kid, and I decided to bail and go have my beautiful baby.

Some things are meant to be and others not so much.

Can I speak to you in my bedroom now, please?

Oh, mother-daughter time.

Funsies!

Yeah.

Holy shh...

I'm not doing anything.

Honey, I'm... just here.

When did you get the Flash tattoo?

1992.

That's bullshit, Mom.

Watch your g*dd*mn language with me.

Why have I never seen it until today?

'Cause these are low-cut jeans.

They're Rag & Bone. They're not my usual thing.

Oh, coo coo ca choo, Mrs. Robinson.

What's that now?

You're trying to muff cuff me.

[laughs] What?

It's a female version of cock block, you idiot.

Muff cuff;. It's a twat swat.

You're trying to steal my boyfriend.

Oh, baby, have you slept with him yet?

No, but I'm gonna...

Then he's not your boyfriend.

How can I be Mrs. Twatinson if nothing is even going on between you two?

'Cause I know you.

You haven't dressed like this in years.

You haven't had any interest in New York or me or my music until you saw how hot Flash looked on my Twitter feed, so you thought you could ride into town in your p*ssy pony and try to put some vag*na blinders on my boyfriend.

Okay, here's what.

I'm not here to pull a bitch switch.

I'm here to stop you from doing something stupid.

Sex within the band never works.

Your father's a perfect example.

His bullshit brought The Heathens down.

I'm not in that band anymore.

You are.

I'm thinking of your career.

You are not because you're dicknotized.

Ugh.

Okay, you know what, we could sit around your room.

We could yap about this all day, or we could go down to the rehearsal space and see who Flash likes and who gets vagected.

Ooh.

Oh, that thing.

Yeah, it's good right there.

Cat: Tell her, guys. Sex within the band never works.

It's true. Fleetwood Mac.

Cat: Or ask George Michael or that other h*m* from Wham!

Andrew Ridgeley. Don't ask me why I know that.

See you at rehearsal, kids.

Stupid bitch.

What'd you call me?

Oh, I called you a bitch.

That's what I thought you said.

Guess what, one day when you and the band are on top, you are gonna love this bitch.

Okay, Johnny, follow her, and don't let her be alone with Flash.

Got it.

Gigi on phone: Did she ever make a move on you back in the day?

No, but I made a drunk move on her once in, like, '92.

We fooled around a little, but...

I never slept with her, no.

Well, you better not let her put a spell on you.

With what?

With her tits.

Don't get titmatized.

I already been by you.

Look, she's really hell-bent on keeping us on apart, and did you know about the tattoo?

Just get dressed and hurry your ass down here.

I don't want to deal with her on my own.

Okay, baby, I will.

Okay. Hey, honey, honey.

Yeah?

How does she look?

Pow.

Wow.

Wow.

Look at the detail.

It's just like the old a*.

I know; I was trying to make an impression.

Well, you would have.

You did just now.

[laughs] You got any ink?

Remember how you always said the band meant more to you than it did to me?

Heathens.

Oh, my good lord.

Oh, dude.

Holy sh*t, dude.

I got this right before I found out you were sleeping with my wife.

That's how much I dug the band.

You find something or someone that you care about, you suck it up, Johnny boy.

Rehab: Damn straight, Flash.

You know what I'd like to hear, what you been working on.

Oh.

Yeah, you been writing?

Yeah, I've been writing.

I... I just sold a song to Sheryl Crow...

Wow.

And Lucinda Williams is covering another one.

Wow.

I make a pretty good living, and I don't have to deal with being famous.

You want to know what I'm famous for in my little town?

My tomatoes.

Ooh, I love tomatoes.

Don't you miss the spotlight?

No, no, my spotlight is a big fat Midwestern moon and a wide sky full of stars every night, just me and my horses.

Actually, I wrote a tune recently that made me think of you.

Me?

Yeah.

Here, come on now, you guys'll pick it up pretty fast if you want to.

Cool.

Do it.

Get up there.

[spirited piano music]

♪ ♪
♪ Baby, it's late ♪
♪ ♪
♪ It's later than you think ♪
♪ ♪
♪ There's no time to wonder ♪
♪ What we could have done differently ♪
♪ Baby, it's late ♪
♪ ♪
♪ A cold night has fallen ♪
♪ On a dangerous day ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Tomorrow is calling ♪
♪ ♪

both: ♪ There ain't no magical easy way out ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ It's a sad ♪
♪ Maddening situation ♪
♪ ♪

[soft laughter]

Johnny: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Kid.

Your mother was just showing me her...

Us, all of us, her new tune.

Hey, guys. Yeah, we got to do that thing.

Bam Bam: Yeah, we got to get that... the thing.

What thing?

Come on.

That thing where we're gonna...

I wanna watch this thing.

Rehab, get the f*ck out of here.

Rehab: It's starting to heat up a lot.

Ira: Bye, you guys.

Cat, you and me in the kitchen, now.

You and me in the back hallway, now.

I'll deal with you later.

And then you're gonna have to deal with me.

Please let Flash pick Cat.

Nice to know which side you're on.

[singsongy] I'm on God's side.

Do you want to have sex with my mom?

No, I don't.

Of course I don't, but...

But what?

Why is there a "but"?

I don't know, just being around your mom today made you seem so much younger.

A younger version of her.

Wow.

I've never been as honest with someone as I've been with you.

Not even my ex-wife.

Which is why I got to wonder that maybe, just maybe, I'm too old for you.

You ever ask yourself that question?

Okay, maybe... Maybe once or twice.

What were you thinking about?

Your hair is thinning.

My hair's not thinning.

It's... okay.

It's thin, but it's not thinning.

And I wonder what your sex drive is gonna be like in ten years.

They got pills for that.

Not that I need 'em 'cause I don't, but if I did, which I don't...

No, but what if your balls are saggy?

If you have saggy balls?

Well, my balls don't sag 'cause I had a sack jack.

I'm sorry, you had a what?

I had my sack tightened.

I'm a rock star, baby.

Tight pants and dog balls don't mix.

Okay, now you actually sound really old.

Well, I'm 50, but my balls are 17.

Total honesty, baby.

Total honesty.

Yup.

Okay, are you attracted to my mom?

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't.

Oh...

Ugh!

[door slams]

I really like those jeans on you.

I like the t*nk.

Thanks.

Got to get out of Dodge, Cat.

What are you, the new sheriff in town?

You're breaking Gigi's heart.

Where'd you get those earrings, by the way?

They make your eyes pop.

They're hot, right? Nordstrom's on sale.

Listen, Gigi and I have been spending a lot of time together, so I really feel like I know this kid inside and out.

Right, in an apartment paid for by me and a rehearsal space paid for by me.

No, it's not about the money, Cat.

It is about the money!

Ava, it is about the money, and it is about the fame, and it is about my kid's future.

Where'd you get the boots?

Online. Boots.com.

Hmm.

They make your legs look toned.

They are toned, but it's Zumba.

Oh, really? How is that?

It's awesome...

Oh.

For the legs and the ass.

It's all chicks, though. No guys there.

Oh, I get it.

Okay, so you're lonely out there in Ohio.

Don't have no man to keep you company, pay you attention, so you got to come out here and try to stir up the...

Ma, ma.

Mm.

I'm not lonely.

Really? You got someone?

I'm banging my UPS guy.

[laughs]

He's got really sexy knees.

I must be Amazon's top customer these last three months.

Listen to me.

I am not trying to steal her boyfriend.

I am trying to save her from making the same mistakes that we did.

Doesn't work like that with kids, though.

Oh, really? You're an expert on kids now?

Oh, well, I'm an expert when it comes to Gigi.

She and I have gotten really close, and she considers me her surrogate mom.

Okay, let me lay this one out for you, Ava.

The reason why you are close with my kid is because you're not her mom.

Oh, okay.

Surrogate moms, they don't need to get pregnant.

Surrogate moms don't need to push a little human being out of their formerly tight vaginas, and then go raise them all by themselves.

Cat, I didn't mean to start anything here.

Surrogate mommies get to be besties with their daughters.

They get to go drinking with them and discuss which guy's got a better ass or a bigger d*ck.

Whoo.

Meanwhile, I'm a real mom, which means I am not out to be her best friend.

I am out to make sure that she does not f*ck up the same way that I did.

Gigi is my song, and you're getting all the royalties.

Go write your own f*cking song, huh?

Your hair looks really awesome like that, by the way.

Thanks.

I just, I feel like this whole thing is my fault.

Why, did you call mom and tell her what's going on between me and Flash?

You think I'm that devious?

You were against us from day one.

Honey, I... it's hard for you to understand right now because it just...

Hey, Dad, if you tell me that I'm too young to understand, I will take my boot heel and jab it into your balls right under this table.

I am thinking about what's best for you.

No, you're not. You're not thinking about me.

You're thinking about yourself.

You're thinking about what you want.

Okay, look at these guys coming in, okay; All your age.

Look at... handsome guys...

I'm not interested.

And... and they're not in a band with you, okay?

I don't like guys my own age.

You know I don't like guys my own age.

They're self-obsessed. They're vain.

They don't listen to me.

No, I'm listening, honey. It's just my hair was weird.

Dad?

Yeah.

I dig Flash. Okay?

I don't know how long I'm gonna like Flash.

I don't know how far things are gonna go.

I'm just following how I feel right now.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I'm not old and worn out and filled with all this hard-fought wisdom that I got from f*cking up my career and my band and drinking and drugging my band into oblivion.

All right, well, listen.

There's... there's nothing I can do about the past, but you know, I can do something about right now, so I'm just making a promise to you.

I'm gonna work on myself, and...

And I'm gonna try and fix the stuff that's wrong with me, and then maybe I can help fix you.

Oh, my God.

What?

You just quoted Coldplay.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

You said "fix you."

Oh, my God.

You want to know what's even more depressing?

What?

It really touched me.

[scoffs]

Here's what we're gonna do, Gwyneth.

We can't control what's going on with Flash.

There's one thing that we can guarantee we can control right now, which is...

What?

Which part of my body your name gets inked onto.

Hey, hey, excuse me.

Could I... could I get some Jamesons, please?

On the rocks or neat, sir?

I'm gonna need a whole bottle.

I'm getting my ass branded tonight.

Face. You said I could pick.

You want me to get... Get it on my face?

Mm-hmm.

Honey, that's...

You said you loved me, I thought.

Start with the ass.

Okay.

[soft piano music]

both: ♪ There ain't no magical easy way out ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ It's a sad ♪
♪ And maddening situation ♪
♪ ♪

Yeah, see, I think that fits better there.

It does, and I'm totally stealing it.

I like the tune.

Do you remember how invincible we thought we were at 21?

She's a baby.

You're old enough to be her grandfather.

I'm your speed.

Come on. Right?

I mean, we have the same taste in music.

We have the same taste in movies and food, and we both like to get tucked into bed around, what?

10:00? 10:30?

Night before a gig, 9:30.

[laughter]

[soft piano music]

♪ Bum ba dum ♪

You playing this piano, or are you playing me?

Johnny: [gasps]

Ava: Whoa, now we officially own your ass.

I'm surprised you got both names on there.

It's not much of a canvas.

That's funny.

Yeah, from now on your daddy's ass is gonna say "Gigi forever" forever, baby.

Of course, in five years' time the wrinkles are gonna make it unreadable.

Oh, yeah, but then...

Then it'll read "Giver."

Johnny: Got to tell you, my head is a hammer.

My ass is on fire.

I'm like one big giant throbbing wound right now.

Oh, honey, you want me to get you some coffee?

No, I need some... A morphine drip.

What do you have... What do you have in your stash?

Rehab: Might have something.

What's up?

Hi.

Hey, bro.

What are you doing?

What the hell is going on?

Gigi: What are you doing?

Rehab: What's with all the pants today?

Rehab: My God.

all: Whoa!

Oh, I love it!

When I'm in, I'm in, baby.

Cat: Wait a minute.

What did you cover?

Flash: Nothing.

What is that?

Nothing.

Bam Bam: Dude, let me see that.

Go, go, go.

Hey, wait a minute.

Bam Bam: Wait a minute. Dude.

Dude, there's new and there's old.

You're covering something up, brother.

Cat: "Gaga." It says "Gaga."

It said "Gaga" before it said "Gigi."

[laughter]

Cat: Which means that he probably slept with Lady Gaga, she used him, and then tossed him.

Fess up, Flashie.

Dude. Okay, Jesus Christ.

Yeah, I pulled a Cat move, all right?

I had a crush on Gaga when we started playing together, got this tat in Seattle just to try to get her attention, then got to L.A., and it got her attention.

See, look, he just admitted it.

Baby, you don't want Lady Gaga's leftovers, right?

Well, he used to want Gaga, and now he wants me.

There we go.

I think that's pretty exclusive company.

See, if it said "Taylor Swift," it would be a different story.

Mm. Yeah, all right.

Well, I... I did my best.

Tried all my tricks, but you guys made your choices, so take care of our kid, surrogate mama.

Ava: Aw, I will, real mama, yeah.

Ah, ha, ha.

I will see you chumps later, and you still think I'm a bitch?

I do think you're a bitch, but I still love you.

And I you.

Come here, huh?

Oh.

Ew. Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t!

I just smudged your daddy's tattoo.

Um.

What?

Come on.

What?

Sit down.

I don't want to sit down, honey.

I want to find out why your dad tat is melting off.

Okay, sit down and calm down, and I'll tell you.

Okay. Ow.

I can't sit down, because I have actual tattoos that are inflicting actual pain, okay, so why... why'd you try to fake me out?

I got a henna tattoo because I was not willing to commit to you until I was sure that you were willing to commit to me.

I committed, honey. I committed.

I committed both ass cheeks, okay, so now you got to step up, right?

You're gonna step up.

You're not gonna step up.

Do you remember when I asked you if you loved me and you hesitated?

Honey...

Yes, okay.

I hesitated.

I don't know why, but I'm not hesitating now.

As a matter of fact, I have your name emblazoned on my rear end forever.

I know, but you said it was complicated.

You said that our relationship was complicated and how you felt about me was very complicated.

I did.

I just need more time.

I need a little bit more time to feel safe because I want to make sure it's gonna last.

Okay.

Okay?

Yeah. You got it.

I am going to get a tattoo, though, and I picked it out, and I want to see if you like it.

It's flaming dice.

You said that was cool, right?

Yeah, I did.

I'm gonna get it on my lower hip.

A lot of flames.

Johnny: ♪ Johnny Cash said ♪
♪ There's a demon deep inside ♪
♪ That every man keeps caged ♪
♪ ♪
♪ 'Cause otherwise it'll break those ties ♪
♪ And knock you down and swallow up the days ♪
♪ ♪