01x02 - On the Carpet

[bunniefuu]

Ladies and gentlemen, Cam Calloway.

I just want to thank Mr. and Mrs. Flaherty for bringing me to Atlanta.

No, but there's four people who forced me to believe that I and they were worthy of a big-time dream.

Those four people that believed in me are my family.

You got big new money now, Cam.

It is not your fault that the world is the way it is or that where we left ain't paradise.

f*ck this give back sh*t.

What you got you earned.

You ain't got to give that back.

Uncle J is feeling that weed.

So thank you, Atlanta.

We here now, baby. We home.

Uncle J, man, you always discover the best sandwich shops in every town.

Man, I b*at the street for this sh*t.

I'm a seeker, a finder, and a taster.

Hey! We got a charity event to get to, man.

You in training.

I see you, Missy. Looking perfect as always.

Just what I do. I actually need gloss.

And you need pants. Where are the girls?

They where my pants at.

Locked in my bedroom taking too long to put on the new gowns that they done bought with too much of my new money.

Well, their happiness is worth it.

They certainly believe so.

Dear wifey, will you please tell my aunt and my second favorite cousin that their asses and ours are due on the red carpet right now?

I am fairly certain I can relay the urgency without referring to their asses.

But we shall see.

So, is this a should go event, or, like, a must go event?

Well, the contract that you, Cam Calloway, max-cap free agent, signed guarantees the team 25 must go events a year.

Cam will attend tonight's Governor's Gala or be fined 50K.

That's cheaper than paying for the clothes to dress these fools.

I got to say, they're treating you like an indentured servant.

Get you one of them chips.

Stop it. Now look.

Nine-digit contracts, they come with some strings attached.

Tonight's just one of those strings.

Paying a fine for not going to some swanky ball is just stupid, especially when it's now part of who we wanted to be.

Fought to be and now thankfully are.

So he's an indentured puppet?

[laughs]

Cam, pants, now.

Whoo, damn!

What? What?

Cam: Look at you!

Head to toe Oprah inspired.

After years of sitting in salons reading Oprah magazines, just one day wishing to just get a whiff of that Oprah life, my baby boy Cam is making sure I'm living a little bit of that sliver.

It is a living that fits you.

Thank you.

Swaggin', Ma.

Yo, we on the prowl tonight.

Yeah!

When are you not on the prowl?

When I'm on the shitter.

Oh. No, wait, that ain't true.

'Cause if I sit down and things ain't moving too quick, I'm scrolling for sexting partners.

My niece the multitasker.

That's right.

[Laughing]

Ahem!

Ooh!

All right. All right, folks.

It is now time to show Atlanta that we new ambassadors for their basketball team are worth every cent of Cam's contract.

That's right.

Let's go.

Hope they got some talent up there.

My goal is 26 waist, 34 shelf.

Yeah, my goal is a full set of teeth.

[laughing]

Here he is, Cam Calloway.

Cam, you look swell in that tuxedo.

Savannah, it just feels good to be in pants that don't tear away.

Ooh!

Is it getting hot in here or is it just Cam?

Uncle J, gators with a tuxedo?

You know, I had to let 'em know I was handling business tonight.

The business of what? Looking 50?

Yeah, okay.

[Laughing]

Ladies, keep your legs crossed and your clutches clutched low.

Oh, and don't forget to suck in your FUPAs.

FUPAs?

Fat upper p*ssy area.

That's why she went acronym.

You go ahead, Unc. You rep them gators, all right?

I'm sure some reptile-loving shorty gonna climb up from the swamp.

Yeah, I'm comfortable.

Enjoy them Prada blisters.

I'm gonna' to go get me a drink.

Hey...

f*ck y'all.

Ooh. Uncle J, really?

Uncle J, you gonna miss the red carpet.

Oh, here's Cassie Calloway, the mama.

Oh, your son Cam is such a charming guy.

When he wants to be.

I find that hard to believe.

Oh, you must not be a mother.

Trying. I'm trying.

Were you a doting mother?

Doting? Oh, no, no.

Doting is not even in my vocabulary.

You know, only doting parents are the parents that have their kids' futures set up, you know?

Doting doesn't show a boy how to be a man.

Doting doesn't show a boy how the real world works.

The world is a complicated world.

Oh, no, most definitely. You know, growing up Cam was a line crosser. He was a zig-zagger.

If he zagged too much, I zigged him right back in line.

With a stern talking to?

Most definitely.

I whupped him. Oh, I whupped him good.

And that's when talk time was over.

So a little pat on the bottom?

You know, not once he turned two.

When he turned two, I didn't mess with him at all.

[laughs] Uh-huh.

Oh, you know, I would use stuff like a belt, a spoon, a Hot Wheels track.

The orange ones that come with the toy cars.

My brother lived for Hot Wheels.

Yeah, see? And, you know, it makes a sound like a sword makes when it cuts through the air.

I did not know that.

Yes!

And you know what? That got Cam's attention.

But what really got his attention was when I pulled that extension cord out of that junk drawer.

I mean, Cam would just take off running, but I always caught him.

See, it's not easy being a mother.

But in order to be a good mother, sometimes you got to mix a little hurt with the hugs.

Oh. And it's okay.

Kids are resilient. The bruises will heal.

Cam is fine. Actually, he's better than fine.

And, Atlanta, hello and God bless you all.

God bless you.

That's Cassie Calloway. That's the mama.

Thank you so much, Cassie.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Hey. I saw you with Cam Calloway.

You a fan?

No, just a fame whore.

Honesty is a virtue in decline.

My name is Julius.

Kiara.

Like the hat that holds diamonds just spelled with a K?

Finally, a man with brains.

Truth be told, it's a burden.

You his bodyguard?

I look strong, don't I?

Strong enough to wrestle a gator.

[laughs]

k*ll or be k*lled.

My daddy wears gators.

Your daddy knows right from wrong.

You're his sports agent?

No, I'm a reconnaissance man.

What's that?

I scout who Cam gets close to.

How am I doing?

Well, I haven't sent you away.

But how do I get sent to Cam?

Well, you got to pass the taste test.

What's the taste test?

If I can assure the emperor that he won't be poisoned in disappointment, then the emperor gets the full meal.

What does the taste test involve?

Abbreviations of the usual.

So it's just a taste?

You ever been to Baskin Robbins?

A few times, yeah.

You know them little bitty mini spoons?

Yeah.

That's what I'm talking about.

[chuckles]

Except I'm the spoon.

Oh.

Yeah.

Uh, not the entire sundae?

Not unless you want to burn more calories.

Where will we do this?

I prefer somewhere with a door.

But I'm flexible.

I am, too.

We'll see.

Mm.

Careful, this is hot.

Thank you, baby.

You're very welcome.

[phone rings]

What you reading?

Mr. Flaherty, good morning to you.

Only a man who has not yet seen the news would sound this cheerful.

Oh, sh*t, has there been another school sh**ting or something?

Worse. Turn on your favorite news channel.

Last night on the red carpet, my star player's mother was extoling the virtues of b*ating children.

She used the word b*ating?

She said Cam is now who Cam is because she gave him whuppings.

Well, whuppings and beatings are not the same thing.

I don't need a vernacular lesson.

She said she whacked him with many things, not the least of which was Hot Wheels track.

I am being bombarded with e-mails.

People are making phone calls. That's how horrified they are.

They're actually making phone calls.

In support of or against?

Last night's Governor's Gala was a benefit for Emily's House.

You know who Emily is?

I don't, and yet I feel that I should.

Emily is a five-year-old girl whose parents b*at her so badly she had a charity named after her.

She wears a helmet now to keep her brains from falling out of her skull.

That's... that is unfortunate.

What's also unfortunate is that Mattel issued a press release saying that Hot Wheels track is for the intended use of playing with miniature cars only.

They shouldn't have to do that.

I'm marketing a family-friendly franchise.

I can't defend barbaric acts like hitting kids with extension cords. No one can.

By the time the cord came into it we were grown.

We had to be, like, seven or eight.

Reg.

I'm just saying. I mean, I hear you.

I will write up a statement.

You'll do more than that.

This is a problem. I don't like problems.

I like solutions. I like mea culpas.

I like the words "I made a mistake."

I like them better when they're spoken swiftly and without equivocation.

I want you to escort Cam and his contrite mother to a press conference at 2:00 today to say those words.

Understood. I will try.

You will not try. You will do.

Hey, thanks. I like working with you.

On it.

[Phone beeps]

Mr. Flaherty just dropped some Yoda on you.

Some what?

"Star Wars."

Missy, I told you, I'm never gonna get the "Star Wars."

Oh, oh.

Oh, you just gonna roll in after not answering texts all night?

We was worried about you. You left right after we got there.

I did not leave alone.

How many teeth did she have?

When she smiled, plenty.

When she got down on it, seemed like none.

Nice, Unc!

[laughing] Yo, how'd you close it?

You know how pleased you was when I scouted that chicken parm?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

She was the sandwich, I was you.

Oh, she must have loved me.

Yeah, she wanted to meet you, too.

Oh, yeah? Why didn't you bring her through?

I suggested a screening process.

That logic worked?

Yeah, to me. And surprisingly to her.

How am I supposed to react?

Appreciative.

I can't believe you didn't run this game in Memphis.

Oh, me neither.

Hey, hey, your mother said some stuff last night that has blown up into a cat-5 shitstorm.

Reg, I got some stories for you. Not now.

She was on the red carpet bragging about whupping you.

Oh, she's a black belt in whupping.

She even whupped you a couple of times.

Your mom let your aunt whup you?

Well, it takes a village.

Yo, you remember that time she came at me with the belt with that big brass buckle on it?

Oh, yeah, I remember that.

I tripped over the couch and I broke my arm.

It still hurts.

You guys know this sh*t isn't funny, right?

No, you had to be there.

I wish I hadn't been there.

That's too bad. I can't believe you...

Jimmy Flaherty ain't happy because people ain't happy.

Cam: What? Man, we good.

_

Look, people know how things go.

People don't judge.

To what people are you referring?

Let's look at some Twitter trends.

Uh-oh, she gonna go Twitter trend on you.

#CassieCallowayWhupsKids.

#HowIsWhuppingNotACrime?

#OtherUsesForHotWheelsTracks.

My mama don't mean no harm.

Missy: What she meant isn't the only thing it means.

_

And Jimmy Flaherty called a press conference at 2:00 for you and your mother.

[laughs] I ain't gonna embarrass my mom.

I'm gonna step out for a quick bite.

You go, you say, "My bad," and then you're on with your day.

Not a chance.

This ain't going away until you make it go away.

She was probably just misquoted.

There's video of the words coming out her mouth.

I mean, you can see this sh*t on your phone right now.

Dude, this is my mom, your aunt.

I know, but it doesn't give her the right to f*ck up your brand.

This place that we just got to, it can be taken away from us.

I thought the money was a guarantee.

I'm not talking about the money.

I'm talking about the brand of the man that we built.

Happy Cam. Wholesome Cam. Cam the good.

I want you to be looked up to, not down on.

Hitting kids, it might be necessary, but you don't say it out loud.

I'm just a basketball player.

Not anymore.

She's got to walk this back.

Missy, you're good with big words.

Can you write something?

And if I like it, maybe I'll release a statement.

And what am I telling Flaherty?

Tell him I work for him, my mama don't.

[sighs]

Do not tell Jimmy Flaherty that.

Oh, no, ma'am.

You going down there to talk to her?

Not until I run through some excuses as to why I don't have to.

Well, I'm gonna go get my nails done.

Really? That's how you gonna do me?

It's me and you against the world except...

When it's your aunt. She is not my aunt.

And she is also not dumb.

Paint a picture. She'll see.

[knocks]

This is how you answer the door?

Only when it's a dude I don't care about.

Or a girl I do.

God, I love you so much.

Safe home.

Where's your mother?

She's looking at pictures of herself on Getty Images.

She's already ordered a Fathead.

I'm not letting her put it up, though.

Cam bought this condo for me, too, you know.

Yeah, I'm aware of this. I make out the checks.

Cassie: Who's at the door?!

The Chief Operating assh*le.

Hey, is that necessary?

Not necessary for you to tell me that you write the checks. Lick me where I sh*t.

Okay, but whatever I find in there I get to keep.

Would you two stop bickering?

Y'all been bickering since y'all were little.

Look, look, nephew. Check this out.

Red carpet. Belle of the ball.

You know what? Growing up, the closest thing I got to a ball was a wet t-shirt contest at a barbecue in Mattapan.

But I won third place, though.

I like your titties, Ma.

You better.

You're the one who sucked them into their current shape.

I was a thirsty baby.

Oh, listen, Reggie, I've been meaning to tell you.

You've been real good to all of us.

If my sister was alive, she'd be real proud.

Thank you, Auntie.

You're welcome.

Thank you very much. Listen, so last night, some things that you said about whupping Cam, they've been taken the wrong way by some people.

What people?

The American people.

You know, people that we need enjoying Cam playing basketball without thinking about young Cam getting b*at on.

What? It just makes him more real.

It makes Cam one of them.

Somebody who's lived.

Somebody who's lived and learned.

Yeah, well, a lot of people these days, they don't get how we handled hardships and learning and teaching.

They don't feel it's cool to physically discipline kids.

Please. A lot of people don't feel it's right to vaccinate.

And I wish them luck when they try to pray off the polio.

Everything we say reflects on Cam.

Look, there's a lot of people that say they don't whup anymore, but there's a lot of people that act different when the doors are closed and they're tired and little shits is running around acting up.

I just... I need you to help me on this.

You know, I think people are too sensitive.And you know what.

You're starting to put me in a bad mood.

What's f*ck face telling you to do?

Jimmy Flaherty, he's upset about some things that your mother said last night.

Jimmy Flaherty can suck my drawer full of vibrating dicks.

Do you have a personal goal on the amount of profanity that you use every day?

Yes.

Listen, Auntie, we in a different world now.

f*ck you and the world.

Okay.

Hitting some of my quota for me, Ma?

Thank you. I'm gonna go on a run and sweat off this hangover.

[door opens, closes]

I ain't taking back what I said.

I'm not asking for you to take back what you said... for free.

What if I were to arrange for you to get $50,000 in exchange for your words of contrition?

75?

How about you walk out that door and never talk to me about this again?

So when you want to meet Cam?

I'm not interested in Cam anymore.

He can't be better than you.

Wouldn't know.

I mean, we close, but we ain't that close.

The way you tasted me was just so... comprehensive.

Spent a summer working at a car wash.

Detailing was my specialty.

Can you stay for another tasting?

Why, sure.

I'm gonna need about 45 more minutes.

You got a Red Bull?

Man: Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Are you Cam Calloway?

I am. Who's the young star there?

Caleb.

Hey, what's up, Caleb? How you doing?

Hey, can we get a picture?

Oh, yeah, my pleasure.

Great.

All right, now smile, Caleb.

[clicks]

All right. Caleb, say thank you.

[mumbles] Thank you.

I heard him. We good.

Oh, we good all right.

I've never hit my kid until this morning.

But Caleb wouldn't cooperate, so I showed Caleb what Cam Calloway's mom did to Cam when he acted up.

Ain't that right, Caleb?

Mm-hmm.

So, yeah, I was hesitant at first.

You know, I was thinking, am I really gonna hit my kid?

But then I thought about you, how well-adjusted you are, how successful you are, and bam.

Yeah, I did not spare the rod.

I b*at the f*ck out of him.

But Caleb listened.

He cooperated quicker than ever before.

It was awesome.

My mom grew up in a different time...

Yeah, I'm glad she's bringing that time back to this time, 'cause I was a wimp when it came to being a parent.

I mean, like, timeouts, sticker charts, rewards... it just doesn't work as well.

Some things just need to be changed back.

All right, so you have a great season.

Godspeed. Thank your mom.

Caleb, come on. Come on, Caleb.

Get your butt over here now.

You know what my dad used to call me when I f*cked up?

Dummy. I'll push the conference to 5:00, dummy.

On it.

And stop saying "on it."

You need to start communicating in complete sentences.

"I am on it, Jimmy.

I will do what I told you I'd do, Jimmy.

I'll be there at 5:00, Jimmy." All right, see you soon.

Oh, look, baby, I'm gonna put a lot of plants out here and make it seem like a real oasis.

You know, Ma, I've been thinking.

We got to walk back what you said at the Governor's Gala.

What? I like the way you turned out.

Don't you?

I do.

So what, you just want me to lie to people?

We live in a different world now, Ma.

You and Reggie have got to stop telling the rest of us that we live in a different world.

What do I look like... Lisa Bonet?

And, personally, I think this world is a little too sensitive.

So what? I whupped you. You deserved it.

You sassed and sassed me a lot, and you know it.

This is not about back then.

Cam, when I was a little girl, I got hit with a switch.

My daddy used to make me go pick it out off a tree.

You lucky you grew up where there were no trees.

I never appreciated it until now.

See, now you trying to be smart with me.

You all are trying to mainstream me.

See, back when you were playing in Memphis making league minimum, you didn't have to mainstream me.

Ain't nobody pay me no mind.

I was up in Boston when my little boy Cam was calling me from the road lonely and homesick.

Kids are getting b*at in my name.

You would call me crying 'cause some girl broke your heart.

You would ask me to send you my homemade banana bread.

I didn't have to walk out on any red carpet and say the right thing.

And now my baby boy's trying to make me eat crow?

Look, I'm just trying to show people that you're not something they're making you out to be, how good you are.

I ain't gonna be made to feel bad by a bunch of people who have not walked a million miles in my shoes.

Mom, walk up to the microphone, say you did things differently back then and that it's not proper now.

Lie if you have to.

I know you can. You have the lying skill.

And don't say you don't or that's a lie.

So if I say I did it wrong, that means the way you turned out was wrong.

So you happy with the way you turned out?

I am, Ma.

Sometimes I wonder.

[sighs] Auntie.

f*ck you.

Can it wait till we see Flaherty?

f*ck Flaherty, too.

Now that's a full day.

Reggie, she don't want to do it.

I don't want her to do it either.

What?

But we past what we want.

We're public people now, people that's got to do sh*t they don't wanna do.

I told you to stop asking me.

I am not asking anymore. Oprah Winfrey is asking now.

Oprah called you?

No, she called Jimmy Flaherty.

She's gonna do a whole show about the evils of parental discipline.

f*ck she is.

She's gonna get the girl in the helmet... Emily.

Expert panel... Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, Dr. Bill.

f*cking bluff. There ain't no Dr. Bill.

Dr. Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby's a doctor now?

Mm-hmm, of child psychology or some sh*t, but not like a save-your-life doctor.

Look, whatever the f*ck. It don't matter.

If Oprah calls him, he'll be there.

Oprah don't play.

I am not the only one who whupped her kid.

But you're the only one they talking about right now.

Okay, look, what we got now is a national referendum on whether or not people should hit kids at all.

What's a referendum?

It's a f*cking thing you don't want.

All right? So if you're interested in participating on the show, Oprah's extended the invitation.

Jimmy Flaherty says she's expecting your call.

f*ck Flaherty.

I'll b*at his ass blue.

Please don't whup your kids.

[cameras clicking]

Not with your hand or a Hot Wheels track or an extension cord.

I whupped my kids because I thought it was my right.

But it is nobody's right to do a wrong.

Not even a parent's.

What are you gonna do if she finds out you lied about Oprah?

Duck.

I wish my kids were still young so that I could parent differently.

But all I can say is that I've seen the error of that way.

A way that hopefully all parents will now leave behind.

Thank you.

Excuse me. You know Cam Calloway?

I do.

What's a girl got to do to meet him?

You like ice cream?

I love you, Ma.

Thank you, baby.

You did good, Ma.

Thank you.

I know that was hard, Auntie.

I want $100,000 by tomorrow.

Your money, not Cam's.

You think you're gonna tell me what's what, m*therf*cker?

I was born a hustler.

So let me know when Oprah really does call.

'Cause she will after that performance.

Go f*ck yourself.

Cam: Hey, Ma.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

[coughs]

Oh, man.

I did deserve to get b*at that time I stole the bike.

Yeah, but not with the bike.

[laughs] She b*at me with the tire.

But the tire was still on the bike.

Yeah, you right.

I know I'm right.

All right, yo, you ready to go again?

Yeah. [Coughing]

Put your goggles on first.

Come on.

Thank you. Uh-huh.

Wait, I'm first this time.

Hey, I ain't scared. All right.

Come on. Come on.

[Laughs]

[shouts] Ow!

Man! If I wasn't so high right now, man, I'd be in tears.

This sh*t hurts.

I'm a grown-ass man. You ready?

[snaps]

Ow!

f*ck, dude!

God damn, you hitting the money now.

Hey, you in the east now, baby. I got to toughen you up.

Ow!

Ah!

Now go to your room! Brush your teeth!

Respect your grandma!

Don't smoke my weed!

I brought you into this world, I'll take you out.

Don't steal!

Put it back! Put it back!

Reverse!

Oh, really?

Uh-huh.

That's it, en garde. Come here.

Get back here.

[Laughing]

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