01x04 - All About Work From Work

[bunniefuu]

(phone dings)

Julia's passing out performance reviews this morning.

Yay!

Wow. Somebody's excited for her report card.

I think of each perfect review as a step toward a better career.

And toward a car that doesn't have the "check engine" light on.

(phone dings)

Kevin!

You get a gold star.

Perfect performance review.

The star is metaphorical, of course.

We're adults.

You deserve something more real.

No, I...

Don't resist. Come on, give in. Give in.

What about me?

Just hugs for the boys today, sweetheart.

You and your dewy skin and perfect beach waves did just fine.

Ricky!

Congratulations.

You had the biggest drop-off in scores in the entire company.

Are you f*ring me?

I told HQ I couldn't do that, that you were far too valuable to this company - not to mention my dry-cleaning.

Thank you.

They're still working on that bong water stain on your tube dress, by the way.

Just sign one new client by the end of the week.

And then, I can play whatever race card you are to roll you over the finish line.

Okay, Julia. I'll do it. I know I can.

Russell!

I'm going to go pack up my stuff.

What? Why?

You can totally sign one new client by the end of the week.

These are ridiculous!

It says I lack problem-solving skills.

I do not lack problem-solving skills.

Guys, I think everybody is just making too big a deal out of these things.

I mean, what does "born leader" even mean?

Yes, the natural ability to lead.

But, you see, it's just... It's so subjective, right?

"Who cares?" said the analytical go-getter.

Yeah. See you, guys.

Yeah. See ya.

Hey!

Why don't I help you?

You'd do that for me?

Why?

Well, you helped me when I first got here.

Now, me with the gold star...

Who better to help you?

It's like in the Bible.

"The best shall helpeth the worst."

Hmm.

Don't know that one.

Oh. Maybe it's Harry Potter.

Hmm.

♪ 'Cause it's all good ♪
♪ It's all, all, it's all good ♪
♪ Uh-huh, yup, it's all good ♪
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh, it's all good ♪
♪ 'Cause it's all good ♪
♪ It's all, all, it's all good ♪
♪ Uh-huh, yup, it's all good ♪

So, listen, I don't think I'm going to be able to make it to the opening of Panini Castle this afternoon for lunch.

I've, um...

I've taken on some extra work.

Damn! It's a theme restaurant, Kevin.

You know when it's a theme restaurant, I have to be there.

I know. Costumes, meal combo puns, disgruntled employees...

It's everything a fun meal should be.

It's just...

This is definitely going to take a while.

Hey, I feel you, man. Okay?

I get busy, too.

Weightlifting benches just don't disinfect themselves.

Thanks for understanding.

Hey, but if anything changes, call me. Okay?

It's a medieval theme, so you know there's the promise of those tight dresses with the shoelace tops.

I know how you love those.

(gasps) He's arrived!

Kevin the mentor, down from gold star mountain to bestow his knowledge nuggets upon little lamb Ricky, who's lost his way.

(chuckles) That's a bit dramatic, don't you think?

Although, gold star mountain is kind of cute. Let's keep that.

Now, first thing's first. We've got to clean up this desk, huh?

Maybe tuck in that shirt.

(phone dings)

I didn't even realize it was out.

I used to be the guy who put paperwork in a file right away.

Now, I put it under a pastry.

Just as fast, but still.

So, what happened to the old Ricky?

I mean, what's changed?

Is something going on outside of work?

Well, since you asked...

I've been having major problems with the ladies.

Oh, did you break up with that checkout girl from Vons?

She was cute.

That was a while ago.

When she started dating the meat guy there.

Spoiler alert. He's called the meat guy, but he works in the produce section.

So, I was out of the race immediately.

I was talking about my twin sister, Liz.

Not usually described as one of the ladies, but go on.

Liz never lets me do anything on my own.

She's seven minutes older, and boy, she never lets me forget it.

"We're going to watch the movie I want.

"We're going to cook the clams how I want."

Last night, it was Casino and casino.

The doctor who delivered us said that she took up 80% of the womb, and she's been crowding me ever since.

Well, Ricky, you can't let your issues with your sister influence your work.

(phone rings)

Hold on. It's my sister.

Yeah?

Hey, Kev, do you know how to get to here?

Get where? From where?

Well, I'm home, but I'm leaving, and I want to make sure I know how to get back from set.

I'm planning ahead. Zero compliments for that? Thanks.

You're a grown-up. Figure it out.

Looks like we're both having problems with the ladies.

Julia, I was wondering...

Audrey!

Is everything okay?

Oh, everything's just the best.

I'm being fired, but wine still exists.

Speaking of which, I know you saw me hide this just now, so there's no point in me keeping it down here any longer.

You're being fired?

I got an email from Corporate saying my review was on hold, with an interview to follow.

That doesn't necessarily mean that you...

Oh, wake up, Bambi!

It's bad news.

Apparently, you can be a top international seller, but they won't forgive one unsanctioned trip to New Zealand to visit someone you thought was a special friend.

Now, I know I need to lawyer up, but I can't lawyer up, because I already "Casino-ed" up and lost my 401k.

It seems like you have a problem.

I can quit any time I want. Besides, it's a breakfast wine.

No, what I meant is, it seems like you have a problem, and I can solve it for you.

My roommate's dad is a lawyer.

Mm. I'm intrigued.

I'm glad you suggested I tuck in my shirt.

I thought I would feel restricted, but, in a way, the structure has made me free.

Ooh, hey!

Some of those companies we reached out to emailed me back.

(phone dings)

Look, Arcola Theaters wants to meet at our office tomorrow and see our presentation.

If they like it, they'll sign!

Oh! That's what I'm talking about!

Tomorrow afternoon is right around the corner.

Let's get cracking.

Hey!

I thought that you didn't have time for lunch.

Hi, Brian. No, yeah.

This is more work than it is lunch.

He's helping me get ready for a huge presentation.

Oh, fantastic! How can I help?

Graphs? Charts? Stats? That's all I got.

I said "stats," right?

We're... We're... We're on a deadline, though.

Let me tell you something about deadlines.

If I don't get ten people to join the spin class by noon, there's no spin class.

Actually, this is more of a corporate thing, and it just has to be Ricky and me.

Oh, it's like that.

Okay.

No. See... Brian! This is...

This is why I didn't tell you what I was doing.

Because I didn't think you'd understand.

Oh, I understand, Kevin.

You're all about the work now.

Working late, working weekends, neglecting your wife, your child, your lawn, and then?

You die alone.

You enjoy your miserable future.

Don't!

Well, looks like you're having guy problems, too.

Patti?

Hey, you're out of your really fancy moisturizer.

Thanks.

Hey, I was wondering, does your dad ever do any pro-Bono work?

Uh-oh, girl. What did you do?

Don't panic. We'll get you out of it. Even m*rder.

But we'll probably have to ship you off somewhere.

Ooh, I'll miss you.

It's not for me.

Oh.

It's for my boss. And before you say no, I kind of already promised he would do it.

Are you referring to your insane boss?

I'm not letting her near my father. He's a class act.

Julia is classy.

She has a tramp stamp of Grace Kelly.

Okay, look, my dad is really busy.

They were almost going to follow him around for a reality TV show about busy Indian lawyers, but they went with the Native American version instead.

But she really needs his help, and if he helps her, that will help me.

If I can solve her problem, she'll amend my review.

I thought you said this wasn't for you.

Oh.

Well, it's more for young women in business as a whole.

This review could be my sixth perfect one in a row, and I can maybe be named one of the "Hot 27 Under 27" in the food and beverage industry.

That is one weird goal.

I don't think this is a good idea.

Ricky, you have a confidence issue, okay?

And the only way to deal with that, is to deal with the reason that it's so low right now.

There you are!

Did you get all my voicemails?

I need you to sweep all the leaves off the trampoline before dinner.

I'm motivating to bounce tonight.

(sighs) Liz...

I feel like you don't give me my space.

We're not in utero anymore.

I need my 50%.

The point is, I need to be my own person, and it's time you started giving me the respect I deserve.

Okay.

Good night, buddy.

I'm sorry things didn't work out exactly as we'd planned.

But you know what? She is the one missing you right now.

I guarantee it.

Yeah, I guess.

No! Leave it on.

It'll keep me warm.

Okay.

Sweet dreams, buddy.

Good night, Kevin.

I really hope I can fall asleep.

(snores loudly)

Oh-ho-ho! Look at you!

Now, I know you probably didn't have the best sleep last night, but it's paying off.

The old Ricky is fighting his way back.

This is the kind of data the old Ricky would wrangle.

Hmm?

I'm so fired up for the presentation, my head is buzzing, but that might be from sleeping against the copier.

It doesn't matter.

(phone dings)

What?

When did this happen?

(sighs)

Damn it. Kevin never brought me that phone charger.

Redial.

Hello?

Hi, who's this?

And can you come over and help me?

(line ringing)

Brian: Hey, hey, hey.

So, you went with Roxie to the opening of the Panini Castle.

I'm still here, and I might just stay because they're having a horse here from 2:00 to 4:00.

No rides though.

But why... why are you hanging out with my sister?

Oh, because we're not corporate drones like you.

We're out here living life.

Maybe you don't know, but your sister just moved here.

Yeah! Yeah, Kev.

Yeah, Kev.

Oh! I had no idea. Maybe that's why I'm sleeping in a crib.

I would love to chat some more, but, uh, we're fueling up for a big day.

We're going to Koreatown, the Grove,

Malibu.

Ooh, Brian, the horse is here.

Oh! We're going to go have fun, Kev.

You enjoy working, worker man. Ha.

Look at that!

With the saddle.

Oh, we're going to see about "no rides."

(horse whinnies)

A horse?

Audrey: Knock, knock!

Julia, the lawyer I was telling you about is here.

Oh! Oh, no!

My four ounces of halibut.

Oh, well. Good thing I'm still full from the six pecans I had two hours ago.

Samir Kapoor. Nice to meet you.

I'm here to help.

I'm here to be helped, helper man from another land.

(chuckles)

Okay, I will leave you two.

If there are any more problems that arise that need solving, or if you want to talk about, you know, amending my performance review, you know where to find me.

Oh, that's a huge... briefcase.

Okay.

Hours away from the presentation.

How are you feeling?

So good.

I haven't called my sister once.

I thought I would've begged her to take me back by now.

It's still not sounding quite right for sister talk, buddy.

You've really inspired me, Kevin.

We make a great team.

In fact, I came up with a power couple name for us.

"Rickin."

"Rickin."

Who's going to close that deal?

Frickin' Rickin is going to close that deal!

That's right.

Pound and then blow it.

Blow it.

(phone dings)

Oh, come on. This again?

(phone dings)

Stop it.

(phone dings)

Okay, you know what?

This is getting ridiculous.

Ricky, pick up that pie chart.

I'm going to show them we're having fun.

Ha!

"Work rocks!" Send.

I shouldn't have sent that.

Yeah, that was pretty lame.

(sighs)

I tried to time that so I'd be in the reflection when you closed it.

I misjudged.

Everything okay?

Oh, yeah!

Aside from you tearing my family apart.

Daddy, it's me!

Ready for dinner on you.

Daddy?

(giggles) Dinner?

We're still on breakfast.

(screams)

Oh, my God!

Exactly.

Okay, not an ideal scene to come home to, but what's the harm, really?

Aren't your parents divorced?

Only for 12 years, though.

And hasn't your dad ever had a girlfriend in those 12 years?

Yes, of course.

But, for some strange reason, after I meet them, they decide never ever to return.

And besides, there's still hope for my parents to get back together as soon as I find my British twin.

Look... your dad and Julia obviously had a very instant connection.

Don't you want your dad to be happy?

Is it really the worst thing?

Yes! I do believe it is!

But I will think about allowing this abomination to continue.

And I'll try and get that image out of my head, and the love for syrup back into my heart.

Okay.

Breathe in.

Okay.

Visualize sweat-free lip, face, neck, pits, and back.

And breathe out.

Okay, I think I got this.

(phone dings)

(scoffs) This is still happening. Can you believe it?

Like I care that you're shopping.

Oh! They went to Brookfields.

I got Liz an eye mask there that says, "Professional Snoozer."

She's even got him holding her bags.

And her purse.

(sighs) The phone charger.

He's not living, he's working, and he doesn't even know it.

Kevin, I'm going to need the backup shirt.

That is the backup shirt.

No...

Come on Brian, if you picked up *** You've been trusted...

Hello?

Roxie, what are you doing answering Brian's phone?

If you had read any of my jillions of text messages, you would know that my phone ran out of charge so I borrowed his.

Come on, that was hours ago. Where is he now?

Last time I saw him, he was on his way to stand in line and wait for the limited edition pink Swarovski Signature Smartwatch for me, because he wanted to.

Oh, come on. You're just using him.

You're pretending he's your friend.

Um, I am his friend and I'm using him.

Those two are not mutually exclusive.

Man: We're back.

Ooh, I gotta go.

Do you have fruit leather?

I'm ready to be back on top, Kevin.

Frickin' Rickin is going to nail this one!

Great! Call me as soon as it's over.

Wait! Where are you going? You can't leave now.

I'll be just Frickin' Rick. Who's going to sign a deal with him?

Now, you listen to me.

When I first took you under my wing, you were a complete disaster, your desk was, like, a buffet, you were living under the tyranny of your sister.

But that was two days ago.

You're a completely different person now.

Not Rick and not Rickin, but Ricky.

But that's who I always was.

Yes, exactly.

You've always been Ricky.

You just had to help him find his way... here.

You're the best in the business, Kevin.

That speech only you understand proves that.

That speech was terrible.

Liz, what are you doing here?

I feel like "terrible" is a little harsh.

You should go.

I can help my brother better than anyone, and if anyone's going to be part of a power couple with him, it's me.

We could be called "Licky"!

(gasps) "Licky"!

You guys really can't help crossing that brother-sister line, can you?

Good luck, you two.

I figured you already saturated "A" shirt and "B" shirt, so I brought you this.

I don't know what to say, Liz.

I don't want to need you anymore, but I could sure use "C" shirt.

I'm sorry!

I know we can't always be together 24/7, like we were in Mom, but I have trouble letting go.

You're the one who left me in there.

It was my time.

And now, it's yours.

Okay.

So, the figures are clear and the choice is obvious.

The Arcola Theater Group demands the best and Superior is just that.

I'm so proud of you.

Questions?

I like you.

Patti, what are you doing here?

Well, I've done some soul-searching about my dad and Julia.

Good.

And I've decided to k*ll her.

Please, please.

I'm this close to getting corporate off her back because of your dad.

Then I'll be the one that solved everything...

Oh, my God!

Is that still what this is about?

Solving a problem so you can climb the corporate ladder?

Well, guess what.

You're not a problem-solver.

You're a problem-maker.

I thought we were friends, but you've made it clear what's more important to you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a skull to bash.

Wait. You're right.

I should have known better than to introduce Julia to a man with working genitals and expect her to keep it professional.

Are we really talking about my dad's genitals in this apology?

I messed up, okay?

It was selfish of me to try to use your dad to boost my stupid score review, and I'm sorry.

But your dad has been divorced from your mom for a long time, you know?

It still hurts though.

I thought they would always be together.

I think this is a problem I know how to fix.

It's pretty obvious what's going on here.

Julia, I think Patti is afraid that you're going to try to replace her mother.

Now, let me stop you right there.

Patti, honey, I don't want to be your mother.

Ech! I want to be better than your mother.

I want to be a mom you can go clubbing with and call your BFF and borrow each other's outfits regardless of age appropriateness.

I don't think that's quite...

Really?

Real... ? Okay.

And maybe one day, we can flash our boobs off the balcony at Mardi Gras, find someone to carry around our tiny purse dogs, and go to rehab together.

What do you say?

So, you just really want to be the Dina Lohan to my Lindsay?

I would love that.

Can you come over this weekend? I need to get to know you immediately.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm already hanging out with someone else on the weekend.

Tom Collins!

Ah! I'll bring my girl Margarita.

I hope they get along.

You should join us, too. We need to thank you for bringing us together.

Both: Yes, mama!

Brian!

Brian...

Roxie's been using you.

Oh, that's sad, Kevin.

You see that your sister and I are having a great time, and you're jealous.

Is that what this is about?

Name me one thing that you have done with my sister that wasn't an errand for her.

You shuttled her all around town, you picked up her dry cleaning, you held her purse!

Oh, my God.

I picked up her birth control, Kevin.

You didn't.

You're not ready to be an uncle, are you?

(sighs) How'd I let this happen?

It's not your fault, man.

I should have seen this coming.

No, it's on me.

A man carrying a little, a little yellow clutch?

That's not right.

I guess maybe I just wanted to feel needed.

I'm sorry. I got so caught up with my gold star review and trying to fix Ricky.

I totally neglected you, man.

What do you say we get out of this line and let Roxie do something on her own for once, huh?

We can hit up Panini Castle on the way.

Yeah!

I'm not even going to bring her the watch. - Attaboy.

I'm not going to bring her birth control either.

Let's maybe just bring her that one last thing.

She doesn't need it.

No, she does, though.

No, she doesn't.

No.