01x07 - My Friend the Priest

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Jim: That's great. Thanks a lot.

We're all going to the park!

Okay.

Come on, guys.

Oh, no, Mr. J.

[speaking Spanish].

Oh, thanks, Blanca.

I'd love some eggs.

No, no. [speaking Spanish].

Have fun. Love ya.

You want eggs?

Nah, I just like messing with Blanca.

So, I got the call.

They want me on The Tonight Show tomorrow night, finally.

Ooh! I'm definitely coming with you.

I love Jimmy Fallon.

He is the funniest guy in the entire world.

That's not your husband.

Yes, of course.

Ooh, I'm gonna be so nervous. Do you think I can get a picture with him?

All right, settle down.

I got to figure out what material I'm gonna do.

Maybe I won't do any food jokes, 'cause I don't want to be known as the food comic.

I don't think you have to worry about that.

Oh, everyone's gonna be so happy for you.

Yeah.

Tonight Show, huh?

Yep.

Who's hosting that now?

You know who's hosting it.

Jimmy Fallon.

Oh, yeah. With the mean tweets.

That's Jimmy Kimmel.

Oh, yeah. I love Kimmel.

That Tonight Show's struggling a little bit, no?

It's number one.

It's huge in every demographic except among my bitter friends.

I'm not bitter.

I'm just angry that good things are always happening to you.

So, I suppose when they called you, you didn't bother to mention my name, huh?

No, I didn't.

Yeah.

I got to figure out what material I'm gonna do.

Maybe I will do no food jokes.

Isn't that, like, your entire shtick?

You just pick a food and you start, you know, blathering about it? Like, pickles or whatever?

It's not that easy.

When you think about it, a pickle is just a drunk cucumber, though.

See? There you go.

Yeah.

You know they're never gonna have me on The Tonight Show, right?

Why do you think that is?

I mean, other than their good judgment?

Because... 'cause the booker hates me, man.

You know that.

Miles?

Yes, Miles.

You're not still worried about that incident at Governor's?

That was, like, ten years ago.

Yes, man.

I, you know... I just... man, I just...

I didn't know it was his girlfriend, you know?

You didn't know?

No, I didn't know.

They arrived together, they sat together.

He... he was introducing her as his girlfriend.

So, why was she making out with me?

Do you think it had something to do with the six tequila sh*ts you bought her?

So... so, it's, like, a sin to be generous all of a sudden?

Look, th-that was a long time ago.

I mean, I'm sure that's not the reason why you haven't been booked on the show.

Are you saying he's anti-Semitic?

Isn't Miles Jewish?

Yeah, the self-hating Jews, man. They're the worst.

He's not anti-Semitic.

Hm... no, you're probably right.

May... maybe I'll go with you to the taping just to, you know, reconnect with Miles and all of that. What?

What is with... what do you do? Are you like a teenager?

You keep checking your phone, man.

Look, I got to get a spot.

I got to run my set tonight. I'm reaching out to clubs.

Are you going on anywhere?

Yeah, I got a thing at Gotham tonight, man.

It's a very tight show, though.

It's been booked for months. I doubt I could get you in.

Ah! I got a spot at Gotham.

They just cut my set in half at Gotham.

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Father Nicholas: Jim? Jim!

Oh, hey. I didn't see you there.

The renovations in the church are coming along beautifully.

Oh, that's great. That's great.

Well, I'd... I'd love to talk, but I'm kind of in a rush.

Oh, not a problem. I'll walk along with you.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Hello. Hello.

Good evening.

Hey, how are you?

Good evening.

Um, you know, I know you haven't lived in New York City that long, but you... you don't need to be nice to strangers.

In fact, New Yorkers really don't like it.

[laughs] You're a very funny man, Jim Gaffigan.

Oh, eh, by the way, I am starting a soccer team for the men of the parish, and I would love for you to be a part of it.

Oh, uh, thanks.

But, you know, I'm more of a indoorsy type.

Oh, perfect. It's indoor soccer.

Right here in the youth center, Jim.

You know, I-I don't want to be rude, but I'm never gonna do that.

[laughs]

It's no wonder you're a comedian.

I love comedy.

Well, it's nice chatting with you, but I got to head up to dinner.

So, take care.

Good news.

Jeannie invited me for dinner.

We can chat for hours.

Hey.

Hey. Father Nicholas, welcome.

Father Nicholas: Thank you, Jeannie.

I am most grateful for the invitation.

Where are your lovely children?

Oh, kids, Father Nicholas is here.

Hi.

Hey.

Father Nicholas!

How are you?

We built a fort. Come see.

You did?

Come see. Come see.

Hola, Father Nicholas. Por favor, can you bless these lottery tickets for me?

Oh, well, if that worked, would I still be a priest?

You see, Jim? I'm funny too.

[laughs]

Why didn't you tell me he was coming over?

I told you this morning.

That... that... that doesn't count.

Er, I don't hear anything before noon.

You know that.

He's doing a blessing.

What? Again?

How many times are you gonna get this place blessed?

We're bordering on Santeria here, Jeannie.

My Aunt Marita sent me a St. Joseph statue.

It needs to be blessed.

Why? I-i-is it evil?

Will it come to life at night and att*ck us with this saw thing?

Is it just me, or does that look like it's made of white chocolate?

Okay, stop it. We've wanted to have Father Nicholas over for a long time.

No we, Jeannie. You. You.

And why did it have to be tonight?

I have an 8:00 show at Gotham to run my Fallon set, and I don't want to be late because of your exorcism.

You're not gonna be late. Will you relax?

How can you relax when there's a priest in your apartment?

Father Nicholas is the least intimidating person on the planet. What are you worried about?

Well, you know, what if I curse in front of him?

Well, you curse in front of our kids all the time.

Yeah, but they can't send me to hell, you know?

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Father Nicholas: So that we may merit the joys of everlasting life.

[speaking Spanish]. Amen.

Amen.

Of course, since it is St. Joseph, I would assume that Jim would like to say something.

That me?

Because St. Joseph is the patron saint of fathers.

Oh, right.

Um...

Joseph, uh, thanks for, uh, stepping in as Jesus', uh, stepdad.

You were a trooper when Mary broke that news.

Okay. It's getting late, huh?

Oh, yeah. Oh, oh my God.

G-gosh. I-I got to go.

I, uh... what's the patron saint for getting a cab at this hour?

St. Christopher.

Right.

Blanca: Okay, bedtime, niños.

Adios, Padre.

Sorry, Father Nicholas. Jim's gonna run out and do a show.

Oh, you're going to do a stand-up show now?

Yep.

How exciting.

Yeah.

May I come with you?

Uh, well, unfortunate...

Jeannie: Of course you can.

That's great.

Sure, why not?

Oh, that's wonderful.

Let me just go wash my hands before we go.

My first comedy club.

[laughing]

I'm gonna drown you.

Would you stop, all right?

What? Stop what? What?

Stop trying to set me up with Father Nicholas.

I'm not interested in a bromance with a member of the clergy.

He's gonna have a great time at the club.

Why would I want to take a priest to a comedy club?

Priests like to laugh.

Same as everybody else.

If I bring a priest into a comedy club, I'll look like a religious freak.

Okay, so this is less about him and more about your own discomfort.

No. It's... it's about him.

He's weird.

How is he weird?

Who washes their hands after dinner?

That's weird.

Okay.

So, this is really about you?

Yeah, of course it's about me.

I don't want to be seen with a priest.

I'll lose my street cred.

Your street cred?

Yeah. I have street cred.

I mean, all right, that's not the point.

What am I gonna talk to him about?

Jim, he's a normal human being.

Talk to... talk to him about the soccer club he's starting at the church.

We already went through that.

He actually asked me to join it.

Like I'm gonna come home and go, "Honey, I've decided to join the church soccer club."

Oh, that's wonderful news, Jim.

Welcome to the team.

Yeah. I'm...

Well, we should go.

Okay.

Bye. Have fun.

Ah, good evening. Good evening.

Judah: Hey, Jim. You going up at Gotham tonight?

Yeah.

Oh, Jim, you are so famous.

Everyone knows you.

Yeah.

Can I get your autograph, Mr. Gaffigan?

I am Jim Gaffigan's priest.

Does that make me famous, too?

You're his priest?

Okay.

Uh, good to see you, Judah. Yeah.

His personal priest?

Can you not talk to strangers?

You think?

You seem nervous, Jim.

Is this normal before a show?

No. I'm sorry.

I'm just thinking about my set.

I'm doing The Tonight Show tomorrow and I want to make sure I do the right material.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon?

Yeah, that's the one.

I love that show.

I mean, The Roots are my favorite band.

Um...

Look, you... you may be exposed to some harsh language and sexual content.

I think I can handle it, Jim.

When I was eight years old, I saw soldiers burn down my village.

Yeah, but was there cursing?

You go and prepare.

You won't even notice me.

Okay.

Brutal.

Brutal, man.

Bad crowd?

The crowd was fine, then a priest walks in.

Can I get a sh*t?

Oh, that's weird.

Yeah, a priest with the white collar sits down in the front row and starts doing some really weird laugh.

What the hell is a priest doing in a comedy club?

Seeing stand-up comedy?

I mean, I was taping this for Miles, right?

For The Tonight Show. I can't use any of it now.

I'm sure it wasn't that bad.

No, no, no, it was worse.

I was doing my k*ller vag*na steaming bit, right?

Okay, and everyone's so freaked out by the guy in the white collar that nobody cracks a smile.

Wait, has there been a priest in the audience every time you've ever done stand-up?

Oh, ha ha ha! I'm telling you, man.

Priests are audience poison. Every real comic knows this.

The only thing that makes me feel a little bit better is to know you have to run your food jokes in front of an audience-k*lling priest, so.

I don't just talk about food, all right?

I have camp...

Jim, Jim. I just lit her.

You're on in two. Just so you know, there's a priest in the audience.

Okay.

Oh, you got to do your bacon stuff.

I don't just talk about food.

You might as well be doing your bacon stuff in front of !sis.

Have a good show.

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How was your set?

Oh, it wasn't that good.

That is awesome.

I'm so excited to meet Jimmy Fallon.

Wow, you really don't care how my set went, huh?

What food did you talk about?

I talk about more than just food, Jeannie.

I did my box of donuts story.

Mm-hmm.

People barely laughed.

And you don't care.

Jim, I just spent the last two hours begging five children to go to sleep.

I'm sure you did fine.

You had an off night.

An off night? It was the priest, man.

Audience poison.

All right, enough with the audience poison.

I don't want you planting your neurosis on me before my Tonight Show set.

Hey, look at that. It's Bill Burr.

Is that him?

Yeah.

We should say hey.

Yeah.

Unless you slept with his girlfriend, too.

No, man. I opened for him in Boston.

He's a good guy. We're kind of buds.

Now, he knows comedy and he knows that a priest is audience poison.

You need to be medicated.

Audience poison.

You can't have a good set in front of priests, kids, and family members.

You just described my life.

All poison.

Every real comic knows this.

Real comic.

Remember when you bombed at the Michael J. Fox fundraiser?

I wouldn't say I bombed.

Yeah, I would.

There was a ten-year-old kid in the front row, right?

There was a kid.

Yeah.

Poison, okay?

That kid's probably growing up to be a priest.

Hey, Bill. Hey.

Oh, hey buddy.

Dave.

Dave...

Dave Marks.

I opened for you at the Wilbur Theatre in Boston.

That's right. That's right.

Yeah, yeah. You had a rough set that night, man.

Had to try to get 'em back.

It's all right, though, eh?

Okay. That's Jim.

I know Jim Gaffigan.

What's up, buddy?

How you doing?

Yeah, man.

How's the food jokes treating you?

I talk about other things besides food, you know, right?

Okay. So, Bill, check it out.

Jim and I are discussing audience poison, right?

Those are toxic elements that make doing stand-up impossible.

Oh, no, no. Just do your act.

But say there's a bunch of kids in the audience, right?

So what? That's their fault for bringing the kids. You just do your act.

This is what I was trying to tell Jim, right?

There's no such thing as audience poison. You just do your act.

Oh, unless there's a priest.

Priests are the worst.

They ruin every crowd.

Hey, I'm gonna go eat.

All right.

Hey, Dan, stick with it, buddy.

I'm Dave.

D-Dave.

Yeah.

[beatboxing]

I like this one.

That one has French doors, um so you can put the kids' bedroom behind it.

You can see them, but they can't get out.

Like a zoo.

Okay, guys, come on.

Into the bedroom. Let's go. Who can go fastest?

James, go, go, go. It's a race.

Who's gonna win? Who's gonna win?

Hey, I thought you were gonna wear the other shirt.

No, I like this one.

I don't think the problem is the shirt.

I think it's the way it fits over the giant ball of pudding underneath.

Who are you, the fashion police?

You're lucky they don't have real police powers. You could be serving a very long sentence.

Keep me out of your prison fantasies.

I like this shirt.

I do too. I apologize. What size is that?

Muumuu?

Okay.

Be nice.

Jim's got his first Tonight Show appearance in a couple of hours and he's nervous.

I'm not nervous.

What are you doing stand-up about, Jim? Pasta?

Croissants? Or, no, croissant's a little highbrow.

You know, I have jokes that aren't about food, all right?

Napping, whales...

Cowboys.

Cowboys...

Do you have a joke on cowboys?

Uh, yes!

Let's hear it.

I'm working on it... well I don't have to audition for you.

Hey, Jim. You know what, the Tonight Show's been on for sixty years.

You being on it's not going to k*ll it.

What the hell's that s'posed to mean?

I wonder who that could be?

Okay.

I don't want you to get mad, but...

Father Nicholas is going with you to the show!

What?

Daniel.

Jeannie, I'm sorry. I just couldn't risk missing the look on his face when he found out.

No, no, no, no, no.

You know that I didn't want to bring a priest to a comedy club, so you invited one to go to The Tonight Show with me?

Father Nicholas loves The Roots.

You're bonkers! I'm not bringing a priest to The Tonight Show.

Okay, well, put him in the audience.

He'll make friends. He's super-outgoing.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He can't sit in the audience.

He's audience poison.

He's what?

All right, fine, he's... you and he are coming backstage.

You're with him constantly.

I forgot to tell you, Blanca's sick.

I have to stay here. We have no one to watch the kids.

Isn't there somebody who can...

No, I can't. I cannot.

I have to do nothing.

I just can't watch your kids.

You're the worst type of person.

Hi.

Hello. Daniel.

Father Nicholas.

Jim and I were just talking about you.

He's so excited you're going with him to The Tonight Show.

It's going to be so much fun.

Jim, shall we say a prayer for your performance?

Nah.

Ah, right.

Let's do it there.

All right, l-let's go.

Have fun.

You're gonna k*ll.

Thanks.

I wasn't talking to you.

[beatboxing]

Say hi to Jimmy for me.

[fake laugh]

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Father Nicholas: Oh, Jim.

The Roots won a Grammy.

Okay.

Hello.

Hi.

This is the very famous comedian Jim Gaffigan.

Uh, okay.

Ah, it's just down the hall on the right, Mr. Gaffigan.

Thank you.

And I'm his priest.

Oh, great. Okay.

Okay, all right. Great.

You have a good evening.

You as well.

Jim, I am so honored that you considered me a good enough friend to bring backstage.

I mean, your generosity has made my heart overflow with so much joy.

I had only hoped to be in the audience, but this.

This is incredible.

You are a good man, Jim Gaffigan.

Well, thanks.

Dave: What took you so long, man?

Father Nicholas: Oh.

You again. Hello.

You were so funny last night.

What the hell are you doing here?

Oh, I am Jim's priest.

You brought the [bleep] priest to the comedy club last night?

You can't talk that way in front of a priest.

I'm Jewish. What's it gonna do? It's like being punished by somebody else's parents.

[laughs]

You comedians are so funny all the time.

It is very enjoyable. Oh, Jim.

Hey. How's it going?

Hey, man. How you doing?

I heard you were on the show tonight, man.

Can't wait to hear all that new food material you do.

Well, I-I don't just do food jokes.

Oh. Okay. Hey, do me a favor. Do you mind signing these for me?

It's for my charity program. Thanks.

Sure Thanks, man. Who?

Hey, Dave Marks.

No, no. Me. I'm Dave Marks. I met you at the thing, man.

Oh.

Questlove.

I saw you perform in South Africa.

Wow.

I am Jim Gaffigan's priest, Father Nicholas.

Wow. That's... Nice to meet you.

You brought your priest with you?

You really must be nervous, huh?

Not... I'm not nervous, and I have plenty of non-food material.

I am a huge fan.

I love the Breakbeats drum kit.

Really? Hey, we have a brand-new one.

Yes.

You want... you want to check it out?

I would love that.

Oh, man. That's cool.

All right, I'll see you later, man. Come on.

Oh!

I can't believe it was you who ruined my set at Gotham last night.

It wasn't my fault.

Jeannie made me.

"Jeannie made me." What are you, five?

I mean, God.

He's gonna ruin your Tonight Show set.

Try not to look so happy about it.

Why do you think he's back here?

If he's not in the audience, he can't be audience poison.

Pretty smart, huh?

Whatever. I'm just here to see who I have to sleep with to get on this stupid show.

Probably not Miles' wife.

Jimmy: Hey, Jim.

Thank you so much for coming on the show.

Oh, sure.

Thank you for having me.

Very excited.

I hope you're gonna do some food material.

Well, that's all I do.

Hey, Jimmy.

Dave: How you doing, man? Dave Marks.

I met you at the thing.

What thing?

The thing you were doing. The singing. You remember?

There... there was no thing.

Yeah. Hey, did the priest come with you?

Um...

Yeah, he did.

Can you believe that?

He is amazing.

I love that guy.

It's beautiful, right?

He's also my priest.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, break a leg.

Thanks. Thanks for having me.

Thanks again.

That was pretty cool.

Jimmy: We got a great show tonight.

Julianne Moore is here. We love her.

Also, for the first time, comedian Jim Gaffigan is here.

Is this really all the hummus they give you?

Jimmy: He's a food comic.

He has jokes about bacon and donuts.

Hey, Jim. You ready?

Yeah.

You're on after Julianne Moore.

I know. Wow. Cool.

Dave: Hey, Miles. Good to see you, man.

Hey.

Long time.

Dave, right?

Haven't seen you since, uh, Governor's which was a... it was a crazy night.

Yeah. Yeah. It was crazy, man.

That was... that was a big mistake.

I mean, look, she was... she was all over me.

You know, I was like, "What the hell?" And, I mean, never in a million years would I have gone home with her if... if I knew she was there with you.

But, hey, ancient history, right?

I hear you're married. Mazel tov.

That was you?

All these years, I-I thought that was Todd Barry.

Did I say it was me? What... no, it was... it was Todd.

It was... it was... it was...

Have a great show, Jim.

Thanks.

That man is clearly an anti-Semite.

The Tonight Show's stupid, anyway.

Think it'd be cool if I asked for some more hummus?

Probably not.

Not that I care, but where do you think Bishop Tutu is?

Jimmy:... the best band on the planet, The Roots right there...

Oh, no.

Hey, Quest.

Who do you have sitting in with you guys tonight?

Oh, it's our new friend, Father Nicholas from Zimbabwe.

[cheers and applause]

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What? Are you kidding me?

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Jimmy: Ooh, nice sh*t, Father.

I can't believe my priest is playing ping pong with Jimmy Fallon and Julianne Moore on The Tonight Show.

Jimmy: Julianne, you're kicking my butt.

Miles: Hey, Jim.

So, the audience cannot get enough of the priest.

They love it. So, Jimmy wants to hold him out there for one more segment...

Which then means we have to bump you, ah, this time around, so, Ah, okay. sorry.

Jimmy: I told you we got surprises...

Still here?

Hey, can I get some more hummus?

Jimmy:... has he been hiding under now?

n*zi!

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Jimmy: Well, thank you so much...

You're loving this, aren't you?

Never been happier.

Jimmy: Well, we're all out of time. I want to thank all of our amazing guests, Julianne Moore, Macaulay Culkin, Father Nicholas Ngugumbane.

Sorry, Jim Gaffigan. We promise to have you back.

I am Jim Gaffigan's priest.

[laughs]

Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you.

Good night, everybody.

Bye-bye. I love this guy.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Who's Jim Gaffigan?