03x08 - Rubbed Raw and Reeling

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Awkward...

I'm not good enough for Matty, and everyone knows it.

Collin?

Was it really possible that in an alternate universe Jenna Hamilton was cooler than Matty McKibben?

You seem a little... out of his league.

What do you see in me?

It was a magical day.

A day of record. Matty and I had hit the six-month mark of coupledom, and as such, I was reflecting on how far we'd come, 'cause there was an evolution to relationships, and by all accounts, we were each other's missing link.

For the first time in a long time, I had a sense of peace about the state of our union.

Even our honeymoon chapter had closed, gone were the days of copious public displays of affection...

Go get them, sugar-booger!

I will, my tiny-tiger!

...and uncensored baby-talk.

I definitely didn't miss those days, 'cause Matty and I were fully evolved, so much so, that we had even bypassed the era of being...

Jealous?

Of what?

The McKibbenites?

Those are the girls that were dancing with Matty at Homecoming.

They're harmless.

No, those are rabid fan girls waiting for you to slip and cr*ck your head.

Just remember, today's fan club is tomorrow's console patrol.

They're just cheering him on.

[Girls screaming]

That's not cheering, Jenna.

It's 50 shades of cray.

I'm not worried.

I can share the glory of my boyfriend.

[Girls screaming]

And I could.

Matty and I were beyond the plateau of pettiness, and lived on the highest branch of the trust tree.

We were secure.

We could handle anything thrown at us.

Or anyone.

Sorry about that strange outburst with Dana.

You have nothing to apologize for.

You didn't maul her. She mauled you.

It was cute.

You're not jealous?

No, I'm validated.

Clearly, I have good taste.

Hey, babe. Looks like I got a fan too.

Tamara is living and breathing, so if you don't move it, you'll lose it, 'cause I could cut a bitch.

Hello, bodyguard.

Shut it, Rosati.

You are one flirt away from making me mark my territory the old-fashioned way.

And that would be?

With pee, like a dog. I'll do it.

You're a maniac.

I gotta take a shower before the bell rings.

Or you could have your fan club lick you clean.

That's not necessary, unless you'd like the job.

[Sniffs] Ugh, pass.

Bye.

Yo.

How can you be so cool with your boyfriend being mobbed and manhandled?

It's called trust, T. You should try it.

Trust. None of you trust yourselves.

You guys are writing things that you think I want to read?

Trust me, I don't want to read any of it.

So what do you want to write?

No one has any idea?

You guys are smack dab in the middle of puberty.

Well, some of you.

You guys have raging hormones, which, unfortunately, I can smell.

This is the pre-ejaculation of your lives.

You guys are on the precipice of exploding.

And then, in ten years, it'll all go flaccid.

So if you can't get inspired now, then f*cking bullshit me.

Hoodwink me into believing that you have something to say.

Fine. You guys need an incentive.

Who wants to eradicate 50% of their grade?

Mr. Hart was laying a trap.

He was being underhanded, and I was far too savvy to take the bait.

Big surprise. You're playing it safe.

No, I'm not.

It's okay.

There's a lot of safe, conventional writers who find success writing textbooks.

I'm not playing it safe.

Yeah, you are.

Shut up, Sadie.

Why should she shut up?

When I look at you, I see a girl who keeps it all inside.

And then I read you, and you prove me right, because there's nothing personal on the page.

You never take any chances.

Bullshit.

Oh, wow, finally, something unexpected from you.

Not true.

I've written plenty of stuff that's personal and unexpected.

I've exposed myself--

Not in this class.

And I bet you'll never be able to read something out loud that exposes vulnerability.

I can read anything I've written.

Oh, so you're accepting my challenge?

Yeah.

Do you want me to do it sitting down, or up there, in front of the class?

Neither. You're going to read it here.

At Bean There, Done That, tonight, 8:00 PM.

It's open mic night.

Be there, or 50% of your grade is going to be a zero.

He is a lunatic, and sadistic.

He is literally holding me hostage.

You said you volunteered.

Only after he manipulated me.

I am telling you, he is a cunning and brilliant sociopath.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Those are very strong words.

So break it down.

What's the method to his madness?

Does he employ corporal punishment?

Waterboarding? Soda boarding?

If you think about it, the bubbles would make it a lot worse.

He doesn't b*at me physically, but emotionally, I am starting to feel scarred.

He basically called me a p*ssy in class.

Well...

"Well" what?

If it walks like a duck, and it talks like a duck, it's probably a p*ssy.

I am not a p*ssy.

Don't get me wrong, I love you, girl, but you do err on the milkier side of toast.

Not true.

Then why are you in here complaining?

Because he is asking me to read something personal at open mic.

Bean There, Done That?

Well, yeah.

Ah, I love that place. Oh, but, man, is it a tough crowd.

Really?

You better bring something good to read.

I'd suggest August 26th, 2011.

Or September 17th.

No, August 26th.

What are you talking about?

Your blog.

It's a winner.

And now I have to go read at this stupid coffee house.

It's gonna suck.

I'm gonna t*nk.

You're gonna be great.

And I will be there to catch you if you fall.

No, you won't. You can't come.

I don't want anyone to come.

What don't you want us to come to that we're coming to?

Nothing.

She's got a performance tonight which she's now shutting me out of.

That's not true, I am shutting all of you out of it.

I am nervous and insecure.

And we don't need to do everything together.

Are you implying that I need to do everything together?

Well, no.

Because Jake and I have plans tonight.

Right?

Right.

Then why did you want to catch me if I fall?

I forgot.

When did you make plans without me?

We might have plans tonight.

Do we?

No, but the option was available.

Look, you do you and I'll do me.

That's right, you do you, because you won't be doing me anytime soon with a 'tude like that.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

We're having a, uh, "brobecue."

"Brobecue," really?

Since when did Matty start rocking my lexicon?

Since he started posturing in an attempt to cover his codependency, which is cute.

What's not cute is this freaking assignment.

What the hell am I gonna read?

What about that post after you went to church camp?

It's topical and safe, definitely use that.

Safe was exactly how Mr. Hart expected me to play it.

No, I'm not gonna be safe.

Gotta go emotionally bare naked.

Naked.

August 26th, 2011-- oh, this is perfect.

I can't wait to hear it.

Then you're gonna be waiting a long time, 'cause you're not coming tonight.

I thought that show of no go was just for the boys.

What am I gonna do?

Sorry, T, you're on your own.

Ugh.

What do you wanna do tonight?

Are you girls inviting me to hang out?

No, just me. Jenna has plans.

Oh. What is she doing?

She's reading something at an open mic thingy at that coffee place with old people from the '90s.

Um, those people are not old.

Are you hungry? I'm hungry.

You wanna make us pizza?

Or you could order one.

Maybe we should just order pizza.

We're grilling. That's what men do.

Men also order pizza too.

You know what's weird?

Besides the fact that you just put steaks on a grill that's not hot?

Did you see all those girls on me today?

Jenna didn't even make half a stink-eye.

[Sighs] Oh.

Oh. Oh, do you know what this is?

World's smallest violin?

No.

It's the world's tiniest jerkoff.

You gotta stop bitching.

You're really making me wanna kick your ass again.

You kicked my ass?

Yeah.

More like sucker-punched.

I'm not the one who hit the ground.

And I've gotta stop bitching? What about you?

"Tamara doesn't want me to do this.

Tamara doesn't want me to do that.

I can't do anything without Tamara."

You should be bitching more.

But you know what kind of bitch doesn't bitch?

A silly little bitch like you.

Really?

Yeah.

Who's the one checking their phone?

"Will she text me?

Why hasn't she texted me?"

Are you kidding me?

All you've done since we've got here is text Tamara.

"Hey, babe, just got here.

Hey, babe, we're grillin' steaks, miss you.

Hey, babe, I just scratched my ass. OMG. LOL."

I bet you can't go two minutes without checking your phone.

You wanna put your money where your mouth is?

50 bucks says you can't keep off your phone all night.

I'll bet you can't go the night without mentioning Jenna.

And no Tamara?

Oh, you're on.

I can do this. I can do this.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

Welcome to "Been There, Done That" open mic night.

I can't do this.

I was petrified, for good reason.

And yet, I wasn't sure what the reason really was.

I didn't know anyone in the crowd.

No one was gonna know me.

I was anonymous, invisible, and...

Jenna.

It's gonna be so much fun.

...totally exposed.

Everyone I didn't wanna see was in the crowd, so I wanted to see the one person who wasn't.

If I was gonna be a sinking ship, I needed someone to float me a lifeline.

Hey, this is Matty, leave a message.

I need you.

Smells like old spirit just called your name.

You're up.

No. I can't go.

I am not ready.

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't let your freak flag fly.

I'll warm up the crowd for you.

Let's go to it. Jenna.

Bad Mama Jama.

Jenna's got cottonmouth.

Okay, uh, then let's hear Bad Mama Jama.

[Cheers and applause]

Good evening, my peoples.

The next 15 minutes, we're gonna take a ride into my subconscious.

Things are gonna get crazy, sexy, cool.

But with my brand of T-L-C, we won't be chasing waterfalls.

Mm-mm.

I couldn't face a hostile crowd.

And Mr. Hart was a no-show, so he would never know if I did or didn't go.

And that meant I was gone.

The inner swell, a belly button smell.

Now for my interpretive dance of everyone's inner struggle.

[Low-key music]

♪ ♪

Watch out.

You might a get a little drizzle from my sizzle.

This is great.

Just two old buds, cold brewskies.

Grilling some steaks, no girl talk.

No cell phones buzzing.

The only buzz I'm getting is from your shitty beer.

Oh, it's not mine.

It's left over from a kickback at, uh--

Who?

Tatonka.

Oh.

She's a new girl. Probably haven't met her yet.

So did you catch that game last night?

It was pretty brutal.

No, no.

I had to go to Jenn-- ifer Lopez's concert.

Really, Jennifer Lopez?

What'd you pay for that ticket?

It was free.

'Cause love don't cost a thing.

So how'd you do on that trig quiz?

Pretty good, but not as good as... someone.

Oh, did you play the new Assassin's Creed?

It's pretty sick.

That's what I hear.

I haven't it tried it yet, 'cause I always get stuck playing Mario Kart because J--

Because it's tougher than you thought?

You ready to tap out?

I'm not tapping out.

[Upbeat tribal music]

♪ ♪

[Phone vibrates]

♪ ♪

Jenna wants us to leave.

She doesn't want us to hear what she's about to read.

What if it's about me and the letter?

We're adults.

This is the young woman that we raised.

We can handle whatever she has to say.

[Sighs]

♪ ♪

[Clapping]

That was something.

Um, is Jenna here?

Jenna Hamilton?

Whoo!

Let's hear it for Jenna.

[Cheers and applause]

Yeah!

Hi.

My name is Jenna Hamilton.

And, um, this is the story of how I lost my virginity.

I'll be in the car.

My story is called "Rubbed Raw And Reeling."

We can see how rubbed raw you are.

Close your legs.

"It was the last day of summer camp during a lame afternoon dance, but magic was in the air.

The dorks were getting crunk and the rest of us were getting drunk.

For the first time since I got my braces off, I didn't feel invisible."

Although, invisible doesn't sound like a bad proposition right now.

My mom's here.

[Laughter]

"So there it was, the signal.

I was hoping he'd do something more inspired, like sniff his armpits, but Matty had a habit of doing that."

[Laughter]

A lot.

[Laughter]

[Sniffing]

You nervous?

[Scoffs] No.

[Sizzling] You should be.

That's our last steak, man.

Oh, sh*t!

No!

Aah!

Oh, gross, man.

Don't you ever power wash your patio?

It's fine. It's totally edible.

Really? Then eat it.

Well, I will, after it's done cooking.

Nope.

You said it's edible. Eat it now.

I dare you. [Chuckles]

You dare me? Was is this, fifth grade?

Oh, I see. You're afraid, hm?

Guess we should've grilled chicken instead.

[Bawking]

Dude, give me that.

[Chuckles]

[Grunts, chuckles]

Oh, it's delicious.

That's disgusting.

Ugh. No.

You know what's disgusting?

Why don't you eat this?

Whole. I dare you.

Oh, yeah?

Mmm. Mmm.

So good.

No crying.

[Laughs]

[Grunts] I dare you.

[Cackles]

Aah! Aah.

[Both groaning]

What do you got? What do you got?

Cinnamon, one cap full.

Oh, yeah?

Just one, huh?

Yeah.

Please.

You have to swallow it!

[Laughter]

"Yeah, so change was in the air.

I could smell it.

There was change and pine-scented cleanser.

My lady business was on fire.

But somehow, admitting my virgin status seemed like a buzzkill."

Good move. It's always a buzzkill.

Not always.

And that's why there's laws against pedophiles.

[Laughter]

Thanks.

I'd love to contribute to your site.

[Clapping]

Wow. I guess you're not the coddling type after all.

Putting your feet to the flame did you wonders.

I'm not so sure about that.

What's your next tactic, b*ating me?

Maybe. Will that work?

No.

[Chuckles]

Well, thanks for not torturing me.

It appeared my relationship with Mr. Hart was also evolving.

Was that a compliment?

I think that's as good as it gets.

He is such a strange man.

And you're a whore, but what else is new?

You guys wanna grab a bite?

With her? No.

Thanks for the show and tell.

Next time, don't show so much.

And if you do, get it waxed.

What about you?

You in?

Sure.

I'm in.

You don't think I'm gonna do it, do you?

No, no way.

[Scoffs]

Oh!

[Phone clicks]

Yes!

You used your phone!

I win, man!

[Laughs] Whoo-hoo!

You just shaved your legs and have pink fingernails.

Who's the real winner here?

She wanted me there tonight.

Who knew you were funny?

Me.

Hm.

[Cell phone chimes]

Boys' night.

Interesting.

You know what's interesting?

What?

You.

Why'd you come tonight?

I just wanted to check out the competition.

Really?

And size up what kind of hell's in store for me if I'm Hart's next victim.

Was it worth the trip?

Yes, definitely.

You were classic.

[Cell phone vibrating]

Wanna get that?

No, it's okay.

Uh, finish.

I'm classic? What does that mean?

It means exactly that.

You're classic, like, Jane Austen.

You're funny, with heart.

So now I'm funny?

I never said you weren't.

You know what's really funny?

[Cell phone vibrating]

Hold on a sec.

Hey.

No, nothing's happening.

But something was happening, and I couldn't explain it.

It was coming fast and swift and out of the blue.

I was feeling a swirling deep in my gut that was exposing my rut.

Angelique says hi.

She's trying to make me jealous.

But it was working on me.

Because suddenly, I was jealous of Angelique, and looking at her boyfriend as if he was my own.

Gotta go. Call you later.

Sorry about that.

She's out with some friends and a little peeved I didn't go, so she's pulling the old, "Let me tell you what you're missing" bit.

Is it working, making you jealous?

Strangely, no, which might be a bit of a problem.

It's not a problem.

Lack of jealousy just means you're evolved.

There's trust between you.

Or--

Or?

I'm over it.

[Cell phone vibrating]

Have a good time?

What are you doing there?

Waiting up for you, so I could tell you how awesome you were tonight.

It was so brave of you to share that story.

Although I sort of wish it wasn't that story, so your dad could've stayed.

He would've been so proud-- of your performance, not the story.

I was following.

Okay.

Well, thank you, but no thank you for coming.

So who was the guy?

What guy?

The guy you stayed with.

Collin?

He's in my class.

Oh.

So was everyone from your class there?

No.

Then why did he go?

I don't know. Because we're friends?

Friends, really?

Is that all?

It's no big deal.

He has a girlfriend.

And you have a boyfriend.

♪ ♪

[Knocking]

Jenna.

[Knock at door]

[Whispers] Jenna.

In the course of a relationship, if things didn't evolve, they thr*aten to go extinct.

Because evolution was about revolution.

And maybe my lack of jealousy meant something.

Maybe I was revolting.

Next on Awkward...

Should I be worried? I think I should be worried.

Having fantasies is totes normal and the key to maintaining a healthy relationship.

What fantasies?

Make a wish.

[Exhales]

The lust, the eyelash blowing-- that paper wasn't about your first time with Matty.

It was about what you want your first time with Collin to be.

What is going on?

Jenna has something to tell you.

What is it?