03x13 - Taking Sides

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Awkward...

You can't leave with a horseshoe unless you pony-up your phone number.

You said you were never embarrassed of me.

I lied.

I got you this.

All: Surprise!

Are you breaking up with me?

I am so, so sorry, Matty.

I'm so sorry.

It had been three weeks since Matty and I had broken up.

Three weeks in which I'd cried my eyes out, beaten myself up, and eaten my weight in egg nog fro yo.

If the mourning period for an ex was half the length of the relationship, technically, I was still getting over Matty.

In reality, I had moved on, and was surprisingly ready to try something new.

In fact, I was trying a lot of new things.

Maybe it was the promise of the new year, or residual holiday spirit, but I felt hopeful about the transition.

Sure, my friends were going to accept the change in me, and my relationship. There would be no taking sides or forcing people to choose a team-- even though I had-- and I was definitely on Team Collin.

I'm telling you, she's on Team Matty.

Sadie is not into Matty. She's just using him for rides.

Since she's been car-maxed out, "Sucks-Ton" has been making him drive her to school every day.

I don't feel comfortable gossiping about Matty, okay?

Technically, we're gossiping, you're accessorizing.

When did you start accessorizing?

And wearing skinny jeans?

And when did you change up your room?

It's different.

Sometimes different is good.

I just felt like it was time to grow up.

Okay, Ms. 401K.

Far be it from us to keep you from your night at the opera.

Collin and I are going shopping at the school consignment store.

You want to come?

It's not that we don't want to hang with you and Collin, it's just...

Weird!

It doesn't have to be.

I just want to get back to normal.

So do we, but our normal is Jenna and Matty.

Well, there's a new normal.

And I'm sure if you get to know Collin, you'll like him as much as I do.

We'll hang next time. Promise.

[Doorbell rings]

Uh, can you guys get that?

And be nice.

I punched the guy one time and you Chris Brown-ify me.

You don't have to stand out there.

Everyone in here is decent. It looks like I'm au naturel, but I swear, I'm wearing a sports bra.

Mom, don't say that in front of--

Hi.

I was hoping we could talk.

I think you girls should leave, and run interference, since Olin-snay is on his way over, okay?

That's not how you say it, but I can anslate-tray.

We're on it.

Come in!

How have you been? What's going on?

Mom?

Hmm?

Oh, you want privacy.

Do you want privacy?

Mom.

This is really weird.

Yeah. And this is so much better.

Matty--

Listen, Jenna--

No, you talk first, since you're the one who came over to do it. I mean... talk.

Jenna, I don't want you to think that I hate you.

I don't.

And I don't want you to think that either.

I don't.

I've been thinking about us, and it doesn't have to be uncomfortable.

That is exactly what I have been feeling, and that's why I think we should...

Just forget about it.

...get back together.

I still love you, Jenna.

Matty--

I just don't understand how we could be the way we were and then just, what, shut it all off?

I didn't.

So why not start over?

I can't.

If I can, you can.

I can't.

Why not?

Because I don't want to.

I just need a break.

I thought we were already on a break?

No, we're broken up.

We just need a break from each other so that we can start new chapters in our lives, and eventually be friends again.

Okay.

Yeah, sure.

Matty, I really don't want this to be weird between us... or our friends.

It won't be.

[Door opens, closes] Whew.

So how long do you think this break is gonna last?

I'm only asking because we have tickets to the next Clippers game, and your dad needs someone to do high-impact high fives with.

If he needs someone there, why doesn't he invite Collin?

Sweetie, with everything that's happened with Matty?

Well, it just wouldn't be right.

Besides, we don't even know Collin.

That was the problem.

No one in my life knew Collin.

He was just that jerk who destroyed my relationship, and the unfortunate victim of some bad press.

It was time to call a press conference.

[Bell rings]

You went to Hamilton's house?

You are such a dumbass.

I know I'm a dumbass.

I deleted her number, VMs, texts, and skanky pics from your phone.

And yes, I saw the one of her in her training bra.

If only I could delete that from my memory.

Me too.

Put away your cry face, McKibben.

You think Jenna cheating on you isn't a big whore deal, but it is.

You should hate her for what she did.

You don't have to hate her because of me.

Jenna doesn't want everybody taking sides.

What kind of f*cked-up, apocalyptic world are we living in where Jenna Hamilton gets to call the sh*ts?

[Phone chirps]

_ Devon is texting you?

And you're texting her, a lot!

I love Devon.

Why am I consoling you when you are clearly moving on?

Well, I'm taking it slow.

Which may be a problem, because slow is not Devon's speed.

Okay, so maybe I'll have to speed up my process.

[Phone whirs]

It's from me.

It says I'm walking towards you, and we'll be saying "Hi" in about four seconds.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

You invited me to lunch.

When?

At the frozen yogurt place.

We didn't even speak.

We did, telepathically. Otherwise, why would I be here?

Because you're a freak of nature.

What are you doing? [Phone camera clicks]

It'll be easier for you to remember my face if you're looking at a copy of me instead of the real me.

Yet I prefer to forget you both.

I'll hold a table in the center of the quad for us.

Bring sunscreen.

It's been proven to delay the effects of melanoma.

A barbecue is the perfect way to ease the weirdness.

You know, make the transition easier?

Who's coming?

Everybody.

You, me, Jake, Fred, Ming, Collin.

So everybody except Matty.

Trust me, Matty wouldn't want our breakup to put a damper on the group any more than I do.

Look, I know you want this to be all easy, breezy, BCG, but, like this sloppy joe, breakups are messy.

This is important to me, and you promised.

[Sighs]

I'll bring the plastic ice cubes.

Mind if I join you guys?

What are you doing tomorrow night?

Whatever you want me to.

Then, you're coming to a party at my house.

Just a handful of people.

Tamara will be there.

What's up, Iron Fist?

[Chuckles] Oh!

This table is too small for all of us.

Jake, Matty, sit with me on the grass.

Ming, Fred, you stay here since you're allergic to dew.

Where did you meet him?

At that dumb thadwick Halloween party.

He's some bitch's boo Radley brother.

He doesn't look like a psycho.

He's really cute.

Too bad he's touched.

[Gasps] By an angel?

In the head, diphole.

So you don't like-like him.

It's kind of hard for me to get it up for a guy who probably has dead hamsters in his freezer.

So if you're out, then he's available, like, for me.

You want to date Austin?

But no sex.

I'm re-virginizing for Jesus.

They say if you pray hard enough, it can grow back. I hope it's not painful.

How do I look?

Like a fancy popsicle.

[Squeals]

That's your lunch?

Please tell me you're not "manorexic."

I'm exactly the right weight for my height.

In addition to being good for the eyes, carrots are nature's most attractive vegetables.

[Chuckles]

[Laughs]

Who's that one?

I'm Lissa, Sadie's best friend.

Sadie has told me all about you.

Of course she did.

She's in love with me.

Oh, look, the bus from "Crazy Go Nuts" high.

Don't let it leave without you.

Bye.

But I still have nine carrots.

Can I have one?

Hey! Did you know Sadie's last boyfriend d*ed, and everyone thought she k*lled him?

That was after they thought she was pregnant with his baby.

If you ever k*ll me, I can only hope you'll keep our m*rder baby.

♪ I opened up my eyes ♪
♪ and I saw the sunlight in a new way ♪
♪ it's a new phase ♪

I'm not going to that sausage party at Jenna's.

I'm taking a stand.

Against who, my best friend?

Yes, for my best friend.

Go to the damn barbecue.

I seriously don't care.

See, Jake?

He's good. If he doesn't have a problem with it, why should you?

He's not good.

He's barely using any product and his hair is limp. And that face?

It's not a happy one.

So you have fun at the barbecue. I'm not going.

♪ I'm changing everything because I can ♪
♪ whoa-oh ♪
♪ I'm livin' up a new life ♪

Sorry, man. I tried.

Our babies would look like little Channing Tatums.

I wonder if they'll be able to dance.

[Gasps] Or strip.

What is your obsession with Austin?

You don't even know him.

He's hot. That's all I need to know.

Beside, if you don't want to date him, why can't I?

Of course I don't want to date him.

I couldn't even fit in his jeans.

[Phone beeps]

Hey, it's me.

No, I don't miss you. I don't even think about you.

You're going out with my friend, Saturday.

[Squeals] Yay!

I know you're excited about this party, but don't feel like you have to do this.

Your friends might need some time to adjust.

What they need is time with you.

I don't want them feeling pressure to take sides.

Trust me, no one is taking sides.

I'm totally on your side.

Mom? Can I see you in the kitchen?

I think you can see me just fine right here.

You cannot hang out with Matty.

I am not hanging out with Matty.

He's... hanging out with me.

But you're my mom.

Don't you see what's wrong with this picture?

If you're gonna take sides, it has to be mine, which means you have to break up with Matty too.

We had something special, and I want you to know, it meant a lot to me.

Me too.

And I hate having to do this.

So don't.

I have to.

Our timing is just-- [Sighs]-- off.

But I don't want to lose you as a friend, but I have to. You should know, it's not you, it's me.

Actually, it's Jenna.

I'm gonna go.

Good-bye, Mrs. Hamilton.

Matty, wait!

Take these to remember me by.

Iron Fist here?

No one is.

Should I be worried?

No.

You should be kissed.

Whoa-ho.

Hi, Collin.

Mr. Hamilton. How are you, sir?

Good. Just manning the grill.

Taking my time with the burgers.

Cooking them real slow.

You gotta cook 'em real, real slow... so nothing gets b*rned.

♪ I was living all in my mind ♪

Jenna sure is going through boys fast.

Mm, it must be so weird for you.

All those taut, masculine bodies parading through the house in low-hanging board shorts and t*nk tops.

They're just boys.

Yeah, but the age gap is rapidly closing.

I'm sure you can't help but to find yourself attracted to the ones that have moved into their man bodies.

Oh, I can help it.

Hi, Ms. Hamilton.

Ms. Marks.

Hey.

Where are you two going?

To a barbecue.

Oh.

I thought you didn't like barbecues.

Oh, I never said that.

But since you're so into barbecues, and they're so important to you, I thought I'd give them a sh*t.

[Whispering] They're talking about you.

I would love it if you both could stay.

Why, thank you, Collin. We will.

Great.

Such a sweetie.

Feel free to change into your board shorts at any time.

He's no Matty.

Not even close.

To Matty.

I can't believe you just made me sit through that movie.

I can't believe I made myself sit through it.

Why do people think Anne Hathaway is a good actress?

Hmm, she's sexy.

I know it's common knowledge, but you have terrible taste in women... except for Devon!

And you should get on that ASAP.

Yeah, maybe I will.

You know, you don't have to distract me all afternoon.

It's just a stupid barbecue.

I can handle it. [Phone chirps]

Actually, you're distracting me.

"Dexter" is still calling and texting me a billion times a day.

Oh.

Wow, yeah, he's hot.

And you like him.

I do not.

Then why is his picture in your phone?

The psycho put it in there.

Yeah, but you didn't delete it.

Whatever.

He's into Lissa.

Then why is he texting you?

Anyone seen my phone?

f*ck! Jenna is gonna think we're showing up late on purpose.

Aren't we?

Forget about your phone.

Let's get this over with already.

Do you think I want to do this?

You made it pretty clear that you did yesterday.

I punched Collin in the face, and had to keep the secret about their affair.

I really don't want to go.

You knew about Jenna cheating on Matty before her party and you didn't tell me?

I was sworn to secrecy.

Matty is my best friend.

I could have warned him so that he didn't have to be made an ass of in front of everyone.

Jenna humiliated him, the way that she humiliated me.

Why do you keep bringing that up?

Oh, I'm done bringing it up.

You'll never hear it from me again... or anything else for that matter.

[Door slams] [Crying]

So no barbecue?

With Tamara involved, I knew my friends would be fashionably late.

But, after an hour, they were bordering on fashionably missing my party, which had already been downgraded to a lame cookout... [Door sliding] .. because no one under 30 had shown up.

Where are all the hotties?

Hot dogs.

She means hot dogs.

Jenna, I've got to take these burgers off.

Any more fire and they'll be cremated.

Let's just wait for everybody else.

[Grunts]

No one was answering the front door.

Sorry I'm late.

No worries.

Where's Ming?

We drove separately.

You know, the Huangs. So overprotective.

Ming texted. They're running late.

How late? [Phone whooshes]

They're not coming.

I can't believe they bailed.

Jenna, put yourself in their shoes.

You're asking them to hang out with the guy who broke up their friends.

I'm sorry.

Don't be.

They don't have to like me.

Hey, come here.

The only person I care who likes me is you.

Why can't they be happy that I'm happy?

They'll come around.

And if they don't?

Time will tell.

There are some friends who roll with the punches, and some who are hand slappers.

My grandmother says it.

It's like when a kid does something they shouldn't, and you slap their hand. It doesn't hurt, but it sends a message.

Oh, you're wrong. It does hurt.

Do you think that's what this is about?

Maybe.

I don't want to come between you and your friends, so if you need us to take a step back, we can.

No.

I just need to talk to them.

Okay. Well, I'm around.

If you need me, just call.

I had been holding back my feelings, but it was time to get them out.

It's Tamara. You know what to do.

One way or another.

[Phone chirps]

[Giggles]

What the hell was that?

You laughed.

And not at him-- with him.

You really like him.

Shut up.

Why don't you go for it?

Because it would never work.

Because my life sucks, and nothing good ever happens to me.

Your life sucks? Try being me for a day.

[Scoffs]

You wanna go there, McKibben?

Because I will win this suck-fest.

No way.

My girlfriend cheated on me, and I found out along with a dozen of my closest friends.

And I want to b*at the crap out of the guy, but I can't, because everyone expects me to be the d*ck in this situation, and I refuse to give them the satisfaction.

My boyfriend cheated on me with a dude, then screwed my best friend and then d*ed, and everybody thought I k*lled him.

Not done yet.

Then my parents went broke, so we had to sell the house, the cars, and now they're divorcing.

And the dung icing on my crap cupcake-- my dad auctioned off my beloved horse, Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert.

You win. Your life does suck.

[Both laugh]

And that's why you gotta give this guy a sh*t.

But if you're too much of a p*ssy to make a move, I will, because that is one sexy dude.

[Phone beeps]

Liss, you can't date Austin.

Turns out he's seeing someone else.

Me.

I never want to see his stupid face again!

He is such a jerk.

His mom should have named him Jerk Rosati.

You are such a drama-natrix.

Tell him you're sorry and move on.

Oh, no.

We are so late for Jenna's party.

She is gonna k*ll us.

No, I already texted Fred, like, a half hour ago to tell her we're not coming.

[Phone chiming]

Someone's text-bombing.

They're from Jenna.

Whoa.

What?

[Gasps]

It just keeps coming.

[Phones chiming]

"You are immature and unevolved, and can't be happy because I'm happy"?

I seriously have skull shock. What's a hand slapper?

We've gotta call her.

[Phone beeps]

Now you call.

We can explain.

[Scoffs]

Actions speak way louder than words.

I don't know about that. Your text was pretty loud.

Oh, so now you're gonna blame this on me?

Hey, Jake and I had a huge fight because of you.

Well, you and Jake wouldn't even be together if it weren't for me.

How do you figure that?

Because most friends wouldn't be cool with their friends dating their exes, and you did it two seconds after Jake and I broke up.

I would have never done it if I didn't think you were okay with it.

Well, I wasn't. But I guess you couldn't get your own guy, so you had to go for my sloppy seconds.

f*cking not cool, J.

Of course you would side with her, Ming.

You're such a follower.

I'm out.

Were they serving "cray" poupon at your barbecue?

'Cause you're acting insane.

No, "insane" is blowing off my party and not even bothering to call.

This is not you.

You are not just changing the way you dress.

You're changing your personality for this guy.

And you can't even see it.

What you can't see is that you are disloyal backstabbers, and you are totally taking sides.

Actually, that's not true.

We weren't taking sides, but we are now.

And we are not on yours.

Fine!

Things had been said that I knew couldn't be taken back.

And I realized going to 11 on the freak-ometer didn't help anything, but I knew what would.

It was time for me to embrace a new kind of change.

If my friends were going to take sides... [Hard rock music] .. then I would too.

♪ Eyes ♪
♪ tell a lot tonight ♪

Next, on Awkward...

That's not Jenna.

That's the girl that cheated on you.

Not to mention, that girl almost got arrested.

Is Matty dating someone new?

You don't get to ask who Matty's dating.

But her name is Devon. Are you Devon-stated?

People break up, but your friends are supposed to stay on your side.

You're starting to fixate.

I had finally left my head and was starting to process and was starting to process how far we'd gotten in Collin's bed.