03x14 - The Bad Seed

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Awkward...

A barbecue is the perfect way to ease the weirdness.

Go to the damn barbecue!

Your friends might need some time to adjust.

What they need is time with you.

They're not coming.

You are totally taking sides!

We weren't taking sides, but we are now, and we are not on yours.

Post de-friending my friends, my life had become a little... hazy.

I was consumed with anger, disappointment, and the giggles.

This stuff is called Party Hard-y, but don't let the name fool you, because it's surprisingly mellow.

I'll pass. I need a clear head.

For what, your next diatribe about how much your friends suck?

Yes!

Come on.

It'll help smooth you out.

Then we can discuss the pointless nothingness of life.

Collin was trying to convince me to make the jump from my trauma train onto his good time express.

So what was holding me back? Nothing.

It was time for me to exhale the hypocrisy of my friends, and inhale the wonders of an herbal life.

Hit me.

[Coughing]

You got it.

While my anxiety had not yet left the car, I was suddenly ready to wax poetic on the trivial nature of backstabbing friends.

I was hopefully about to be calm, cool, and... [Siren chirps] .. convicted.

Do you realize how lucky you are that I went to high school with Officer Mercado?

And that he drove you home instead of the station?

Yes, dad, I know.

Evidently, some high school friends were worth keeping.

Mm, did you say hi to Jerry for me?

Lace, I think keeping it short and sweet was in everyone's best interests.

Should I go to my room now?

No!

No!

Now, what did you learn tonight?

I learned to make friends in high places.

[Laughs]

What's so funny?

She said, "High places."

Mm, oh, chips?

Yes.

[Chuckles]

Jenna, don't be a smartass.

You were just caught with an illegal substance, which you should not be smoking.

Unless you're at home.

I'm confused.

Are you guys condoning my experimentation?

Absolutely not.

I thought you were smart enough not--

To get caught. [Snorts]

What's going on here?

We're disciplining you.

Without being hypocrites.

'Cause you're both high.

No.

Yes.

Well listen, you don't have to worry about me.

I never want to be in the back of a cop car again.

It was traumatic.

If I ever decide to do something dumb, I will do it in private.

No! The--

Good! It--

Can I go to my room now?

Yes. - Yes.

But, uh, leave the chips.

And no TV for a month!

No TV for a month?

Or until I get pregnant.

I've been watching documentaries on how infrared radio waves emitted from TV screens can interfere with fertility.

So you're watching television about not watching television.

That's really smart.

I know.

[Laughs] It's so much easier than reading a book.

You should not have a baby.

Why?

There are a multitude of reasons, but let's start with the obvious.

You're a train wreck.

[Gasps] Is that any way to talk to the woman who is raising you while your mom is out of town?

Uncle Dan is paying you!

And for good reason. You're a pain in my ass.

All you do is complain and insult me.

If you don't want my love, then I'll just keep the lunch I made you.

Nitrates and nicotine?

Cigs are appetite suppressants, and that meat is pure protein.

Personally, I don't find it all that appetizing, but then again, I'm not the one with the slow metabolism.

Slut.

Bitch.

Have a good day, sweetie!

After my close call with the law, all the problems with Tamara and Ming seemed like petty misdemeanors.

And even though I wanted an apology, my bigger need was to share my nightmare with weed... and find out who the hell was so up close and personal with Matty.

Is Matty dating someone new?

You don't get to ask who Matty is dating.

But her name is Devon. Are you "Devon-stated"?

No. Matty can do whatever he wants.

But you can't!

What are you doing right now with this "Nonchalant-itude"?

You're not welcome in our walk and talk.

Lookit, I almost got arrested in Collins's car last night, so just give me a break.

While your park'n'narc sounds really interesting, and so fitting with your new personality--

We don't want to hear it.

In fact, we don't want to hear anything but a big, fat, "I'm sorry."

Because if you think we're gonna forget your crazy-ass agro-yexting, you're wrong.

Nobody likes a yell text.

I did not yell text.

Then explain this.

"Disloyal."

Exclamation.

"Unsupportive."

Exclamation.

"Disloyal" again.

Exclamation.

Oh, and "Traitor," spelled "T-R-8-E-R."

'Cause you were angry, and in a hurry.

Okay, so maybe I was yexting, but I was feeling a little--

Betrayed!

Betrayed! Exclamation.

Did you ever think that maybe our no-show had nothing to do with Collin, and maybe we had a good reason for not coming to your barbecue?

And we were going to explain it to you, but you didn't give us a chance before your "piss-appointed" tirade began?

Tamara and Jake almost broke up over your dangerous liaison.

Exclamation! Jake was furious I didn't tell him you were having an affair.

You know why I didn't tell him?

'Cause of girl code, which clearly means nothing to you.

Well, luckily for you, girl code doesn't apply to ex-friends.

Great! 'Cause it was exhausting being your friend!

Oh, and you're such a dream?

God, I am so glad I don't have to listen to your endless and hopeless quest to be popular.

Way to set your goals high, "T."

Don't "T" me. You know what, Jenna?

Take care!

You take care!

So you guys are back on good terms.

Hey, look, why don't we get out of dodge and take the edge off?

You want to ditch?

Or skip.

It's all just semantics.

I really don't want to push my luck today.

Spread 'em!

Jenna Hamilton, you're under arrest for skipping school.

You have the right to remain silent.

Are you making fun of me?

A little. You know what?

Maybe we should pick this up after school.

Are you afraid of PDA?

No, I just...

I just don't think it's appropriate for me to frisk you here in public.

Why?

Because I like to do a thorough job.

Collin was attempting to distract me from my drama, and with that distraction, luckily came some action.

The day could not end soon enough.

It's over.

I don't have any more doctor's visits.

But your neck is crooked.

It's just a little kink. It'll straighten out.

I think.

Ugh, gross.

Does it look that bad?

Not your neck. Rental properties.

I feel poor.

You are poor.

When does your mom get back from Exhaustion Camp?

Tonight, thank God! I don't know what's worse, living on a budget, or with a bitch!

I'd say the budget, 'cause you live with yourself every day.

Hey.

Jacques, I'm sorry.

And I know you're sorry, and I really don't want to fight anymore.

I should have told you Jenna was a rankskank, but I was trying to protect girl code.

I just can't take fighting with you and her at the same time, so please let's not fight.

I didn't realize we were still fighting.

Hey.

Hey. Hello, Devon.

Hey.

What's going on?

Just trying to get rid of my anger towards Jenna, but that's not happening.

Is that why she's sitting by herself?

Don't feel bad for her.

Okay.

Don't, Matty.

But it's Jenna.

"Exsqueeze" me, that's not Jenna.

That's the girl that cheated on you, not to mention, that girl almost got arrested.

She got arrested?

She almost did. Same thing.

If you want to talk to her, go.

You sure?

You still care about her.

Which totally makes sense.

If you didn't, you wouldn't be nearly as cute.

[Sighs]

Big mistake.

Big mistake.

I am sorry, but I have to.

Hi.

Hi.

Is everything all right?

Heard you got arrested.

b*tches.

Come on, they're just worried about you.

And so am I. This isn't you.

No, this is me.

They should mind their own business, and frankly, so should you.

So go back to slumming it with your rebound skank.

Get your facts straight, Jenna.

I was slumming it with you.

♪ Within your bowl of wisdom ♪

My life as I knew it was over.

So there was only one thing to do-- remove myself from the situation, and my "Jenn-emies."

♪ You think you have a kingdom... ♪

Which was easier said than done.

What are they doing here?

Ally had a fight with Dan.

Again?

Did he finally realize you're draining his bank account?

No, I'm trying to drain him, for a baby.

But he wisely doesn't want one.

God, it should be illegal for you to have a baby.

And you, little bitch, are the best argument for abortion.

Agreed.

I'm going to my room.

What's up her butt?

She's just... in a mood.

Hon?

Would you put your headphones on so the adults can talk?

Are you two the adults?

After getting rubbed wrong through the day, I was finally ready to get rubbed right.

Ugh, wish that cop hadn't taken my stash.

Sorry.

Actually, I think I might be able to find something to hold you over.

Really? Where?

My vag!

It's a lemon, Lace. And freakin' ironic.

To think about all the time I spent sweating getting preggo.

Oh.

Not to mention all the money I shelled out on Propecia when I thought I was.

[Laughs]

And now the dream is done.

That is nonsense. Adopt.

Adopting defeats the point.

I only want a kid I can screw up from the start.

Oh, this may be a blessing, Al.

Before you know it, that baby will hot box a car and almost get arrested.

Jenna got arrested?

[Sputters]

Sadie.

Why don't you go hang out with little bitch?

Because she's a bad influence on me.

I'm appalled that you would tell me to go hang out with a delinquent.

Kind of a poor parenting decision, Al.

Then go do your homework in my room.

I'm gonna smother her with a pillow tonight.

What are you doing in here?

What are you doing in here?

Stealing your parents' stockpile.

Must be a new low.

Mind your own business.

Loser girl becomes a loser burnout.

You are such a cliche.

Give it a rest.

Why?

Did I hit a nerve?

Nothing you say could ever get under my skin.

Good! Then I'll leave you with this.

Collin is gonna leave you high and dry, just like you did with Matty, because what goes around, comes around, and karma's a bitch.

Is that why you're broke and homeless?

Am I supposed to forbid her to s-- [Sighs]

Need something?

No, I just didn't want to get in Jenna's way.

She seems really busy.

Doing what?

Swiping your stash.

So now you're stealing?

It's more like borrowing.

Besides, mom said if I needed to smoke, I could smoke inside the house.

I did say that.

[Phone chirps]

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are we interrupting something?

That's my phone!

Actually, it's mine, because I bought it and I pay the bills.

Collin was over here today?

He stopped by after school.

That kid is a bad influence.

You don't even know him.

Oh, I know enough!

I don't want you seeing him anymore.

Kev, let's not--

Go to your room.

Not you.

It's mine.

[Sighs]

My parents' hypocrisy was at an all-time high.

No pun intended.

My top drawer score had sent my dad pacing.

And my mom, strangely... [Knock at door] .. to my rescue.

I thought your dad was being a little too harsh.

I want you to know that I know you're a good kid, and I trust you.

Thank you.

Can you do me a favor?

Sure.

Just lay low on the Collin front for a few days, till this blows over.

Can you do that?

Not a problem.

Okay.

[Buttons clicking]

Hey, can you pick me up?

Perfect.

And don't come to the front door, just text me when you get here.

I just don't understand, you know?

Mm-hmm.

Why doesn't my dad trust me?

First my friends, and now my dad?

Are all my relationships conditional now?

It's not fair.

[Sighs]

People break up, but your friends are supposed to stay on your side, not start hanging out with your ex's new soccer slut.

Did I tell you that Devon plays soccer too?

He was probably flirting with her while we were still together.

That would explain why he moved on so fast.

Hey, this is the fifth time you've brought up Matty and your friends.

You're starting to fixate.

I'm-- I'm not fixating.

Talk to them.

Or don't talk to them, but... maybe you should quit talking about it.

I'm never talking to them again.

So let it go.

Hey... how about we take your mind off of this?

They just don't understand.

Maybe I should take you home so you can deal with this.

No. No, no, no. I'm sorry.

I'll shut up now.

Mom, you look great!

I'm ecstatic.

Because you finally got some rest?

Oh, hardly.

But wasn't that the point of Exhaustion Camp?

Oh, it was a spa, honey.

And I was only there for a week this time.

But you've been gone for almost a month.

Yeah, where the hell have you been?

Santa Fe.

What the hell is in Santa Fe?

My boyfriend.

So for weeks, I've been left alone while you've been shacking up with some hippy?

You weren't left alone.

You had Consuela, and Uncle Dan, and... Abby.

Ally.

And Francois is not a hippy.

He's a healer.

Well, he's not living with us.

That's right, because we are going to be living with him in Santa Fe.

Over my dead body. No way!

Are you really gonna make this about you?

Again? Cut me some slack.

[Sighs] I'm the one who's lost everything.

Oh, and I lost nothing?

Actually, you lost three pounds from the lunches I made you.

I thought when you got back we could spend some time together.

Of course.

It's just gonna be the two of us... on the plane.

Now go get your things.

I think I'd rather stay here tonight.

Sadie.

It's okay.

I can take her to school.

Fine.

Sadie, I will meet you at school tomorrow, and we can sign the transfer papers.

f*ck me.

Are you still thinking about your friends?

No. And I wasn't.

I had finally left my head and was starting to process how far we'd gotten in Collin's bed.

Hey, we don't have to do this.

I didn't know if I was ready to add another notch to my belt, or if I even wanted to.

You don't want to, and I don't want to unless you do.

So it's cool.

But it wasn't cool, and I didn't want to lose Collin.

I couldn't lose Collin.

So I had to do what I had to do to keep him.

Hey.

Do you have a condom?

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

I had just had my first after my first, and I needed to address the undressing.

I really need to talk.

I am done talking.

Mom, please, just let me say something--

No, stop. You need to listen.

I defended you. I trusted you.

And you broke that trust.

I know, but I can explain.

Explain it to your dad when you wake him up and you tell him that you snuck out!

Jenna, go! Now!

Honestly, I'm shocked... and thrilled you're transferring!

We are really gonna miss you.

I want to emancipate.

Sorry to interrupt. Sadie, you forgot your lunch and your anxiety meds.

Keep it.

Emancipating isn't actually as easy as it sounds.

You can't just make a proclamation.

You still need somewhere to stay.

I'll stay at Lissa's.

Sorry, almost out of here, but I need clarity--

Do you want me to keep your lunch or your meds?

Both.

You have to have a guardian over 18, and you can't just have any guardian.

I mean, if we're gonna do this right, you'll need someone superficial, brutally honest, bitchy, wealthy, fearless--

Wait a second. That's me.

That's exactly how I describe myself on my Facebook page.

Do you want her?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe.

Yes! [Laughs]

You see, I've been trying to have a baby...

Oh.

God, no.

But babies are a lot of work, and Sadie can wipe her own ass.

Going once, going twice...

Sold! Sadie is your new baby.

Well, this seems like a fine idea.

Call me when you get settled.

I'm settled.

Well, then, um-- [Chuckles]

You let me know what you need.

I tried.

What?

Nothing.

♪ Never wear it out ♪
♪ never shake it off ♪

If I thought almost being arrested was the lowlight of my week, I was wrong, because my reality felt like solitary confinement.

And the only way to break out of my prison was to do the one thing I didn't want to do--

Head's up. - ...apologize.

Unfortunately, they weren't exactly aiding or abetting.

Hey, let's just get out of here.

Are you sure?

Yes.

I just need to take the edge off.

♪ in the darkness ♪
♪ maybe I won't even go to work that day ♪
♪ I don't care if I'm in trouble at all ♪

Next, on Awkward...

I tried to stay out of it, but I can't just sit back and watch Jenna drift into Amanda Bynes-ville.

So what are we gonna do?

My afterschool special video.

An uber-tragic tale about a loser girl who wants to die, called What Are We Gonna Do About Jenny?

You've got to be f*cking kidding me.