02x08 - Philadelphia

[bunniefuu]

[patriotic music]

Von Steuben's like, I am gonna whip you guys into shape.

New coach is in town.

Adams has prostitutes shipped in from overseas that he bangs all the time.

I keep seeing spit flying from my mouth.

No, I'm feeling it.

Benedict Arnold's like, yeah, I am going to betray the United States.

And she's like, I love it. I love being a spy.

I drank all the whiskey in town.

Oh.

I'm too drunk.

2x08 - "Philadelphia"

People don't like us 'cause we're honest.

We're brutally honest here, and we'll tell you, [bleep], if you don't like it, then go [bleep] yourself.

It's a hardworking, blue-collar town.

A lot of these people in this town will give the shirt off their back for anybody.

It's the most historic city in the country.

It's the birthplace of America. We got everything...

Independence hall, Liberty mother[bleep] bell.

We got it all, man. Boston, [bleep] you. Yeah.

Hey, buddy, thanks for having me over.

Of course.

How are you feeling?

Man, I haven't been drunker.

You what?

Never been drunker.

All right. Are you ready to tell history?

Yeah, I can do it. Yeah.

Hi. This story will be about Wilhelm...

[mumbles]

[laughs]

I'm gonna tell you a story about General Von Steuben.

It's the American revolution.

Washington troops are freezing to death.

They said, Washington, you don't know what you're doing.

Everybody around us is dying.

They don't have anything to eat.

They are freezing cold. What are you gonna do?

Washington says, I'm gonna talk to my buddy Ben Franklin.

'Cause I don't even know, but Franklin was just partying in Paris.

It's very weird.

Franklin learns of this Prussian w*r general... Von Steuben.

He was trained by the king of Prussia.

Ben Franklin says, hey, Von Steuben, why don't you come to California?

Nah.

No.

Ben Franklin says, why don't you come to America and fight for us?

And Von Steuben's like, look, I already got kicked out of Prussia for being gay. I'm okay here in Paris.

It's okay to be gay in Paris.

And Paris is like, not okay to be gay in Paris.

We're about to kick you out.

And Von Steuben says, check, please.

[laughs]

So Von Steuben shows up with cooks and butlers.

He's dressed to the nines. He's wearing furs.

He's got a dog, and he says, hey, I'm Von Steuben.

He looks at all of General Washington's soldiers, and he says, look at this group of dogs.

They're dying. They're starving.

They have no amm*nit*on, no love.

The soldiers are like, I don't like this guy.

George Washington says, no, no. Give him a chance.

Give him a chance. Give him a chance.

And Von Steuben's like, I am gonna whip you guys into shape.

New coach is in town.

Von Steuben starts training the soldiers, running them through the ranks.

He's stretching them through the stretchers.

He's yelling at them in Prussian. And they go, what's he saying?

Washington is like, oh, boy.

The guy doesn't even speak English, so he says, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah.

And they hear, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

What are we gonna do?

But guess what. A young captain shows up... Ben Walker.

He says, I can understand all the blah-blah-blahs.

I speak Prussian, and I can help the Americans understand him.

Von Steuben turns over his shoulder and sees... the most handsome American he's seen so far.

Steuben's into blondes and this guy is platinum blonde.

Beautiful cheekbones, puffy lips.

Benjamin Walker says, I will be your guide, and, uh, they become buds.

"Buds." [laughs]

They have this... this... this training montage.

[Survivor's Eye of the Tiger]

So Benjamin Walker ends up being exactly what they needed.

He helps them with the troops. Von Steuben starts teaching them things.

He's like, these are knives. You can use them to s*ab people.

And they're like, oh, that's a great idea.

He teaches them how to clean their teeth.

Teaches them how to clean their bodies so they don't get disease.

People were like, we're just trying to win a w*r, man.

And he was like, this is how you win a w*r.

♪ it's the eye of the tiger ♪

They start training harder, and then he says, Ben Walker, yell at them in English, and that guy says, more squats. More squats, come on!

He literally churn... he churned... he churned the army into butter.

Do you know any drinking games?

Oh, yeah.

I was just thinking, is there any way we could take this sh*t?

Oh, what's that?

You got to drink.

Oh. Wait.

So... it's the battle of springtime.

No, it's battle hill.

No, it's the battle of Barren Hill.

These terrified kids are just crushing it.

His troops start b*ating battle after battle, using the tactics of Von Steuben.

They use their bayonets.

They had all clean teeth, and they won the w*r.

Washington said, Von Steuben, you can live with Washington...

I'm sorry...

Ben Walker.

Washington said, I'm gonna give you a house to live in, and I want you to live with that guy, Ben Wa... Ben Wa... that guy.

I will grant you the most beautiful love ever.

So the army used Von Steuben's tactics for 100 years.

They called it the blue... the Blue Book.

That's why we're here safe.

So Von Steuben saved the world.

This story's like that movie Renaissance Man.

Remember when Danny DeVito came as the poetry teacher?

No. No, it's not like that.

It's more like the, uh... the guys from the world cups...

Okay.

Isn't that...

Mm-hmm.

Isn't that...

Mighty Ducks.

Yeah, that's it.

It's more like the world mighty cups.

The Mighty cups.

Mighty cups.

Yeah.

I want to tell you this... John Adams is a hermaphrodite.

That's a pretty good campaign.

It's a very good campaign.

The history of Philadelphia... what's your favorite part?

Answer it, Anna.

Come on, Anna!

Cheesesteaks?

In Philly, you can go and get a good cheesesteak.

It's a pride thing.

It is a pride thing.

Yeah.

There's so much history here, but the people alive today only care about g*dd*mn cheesesteaks.

We can't get over the fact that we figured out to put cheese and steak in a [bleep] roll.

I mean, this is ridiculous.

Did you have a hole in that, or what happened?

I'm gonna clean that up.

Like, really?

I didn't do that.

You know this is my g*dd*mn home, right?

You live in this [bleep]hole?

Hello. Today we're gonna talk to you about the election of 1800.

[slurps, laughs]

Thomas Jefferson and John Adams... they were founding fathers of America.

They were also the best of friends. Adams was like, the constitution... you can kind of bend that how you need to bend it.

We can kind of work with this, and Jefferson was always like, constitution is the constitution. You can't [bleep] with that.

But they loved each other... until Adams became president, and immediately they started butting heads.

John Adams was like, it's illegal to talk any [bleep] about the President of the United States, and if you disagree with the federal government, [bleep] you.

And Jefferson was like, well, this is tyranny.

That's a violation of a little something called freedom of speech.

It all really reaches its head on the election of 1800, where these two lifelong friends were pitted against each other.

Adams is like, if you elect Thomas Jefferson, here's what you're gonna get.

m*rder all the time.

Everybody's gonna be murdering each other.

Incest, your wives will lose their virtue having sex with a lot of dudes willy-nilly.

So Jefferson starts talking a lot of [bleep] about John Adams.

We're talking about guys who, like, created this country.

They were really like a bunch of eighth graders.

He was like, you know what? Adams has prostitutes shipped in from overseas that he bangs all the time.

I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna tell you that right now.

I-I feel like I keep seeing spit flying from my mouth.

No, I'm feeling it.

Am I spitting a lot?

Yeah, I'm glad you're seeing it, yeah.

That's good.

I'm in the splash zone.

So Jefferson went to the newspapers.

He says, I want to tell you this... John Adams is a hermaphrodite.

He's got both man and woman sex organs.

This is, like, a published statement from Thomas Jefferson.

Adams was like, okay, fine. You want to go that route?

That's when [beep] got really dirty.

Adams says, oh, by the way, if you were thinking about voting for Jefferson, you shouldn't because he's dead.

That's a pretty good campaign.

It's a very good campaign.

Vote for me. I'm alive.

Yeah. Even if you disagree with everything I say, at the very least, I'm alive.

Would you rather be accused of having a penis and a vag*na or being dead?

I think being alive with a penis and a vag*na would be an amazing experience.

And you're alive. [laughs]

Jefferson calls upon a hatchet man, James Callender, to publish newspaper articles about Adams.

Adams...

What was I gonna say?

Oh, yeah, and he was gonna go to w*r with the French.

That's what was published in the newspaper.

And it's a lie. It's not true at all.

America was like, I don't want to go to w*r with the French.

That sounds terrible.

And they elect Jefferson into office. Jefferson wins.

Adams is like, you want to go with this loser, fine.

But before I leave, I'm going to appoint all of these people who violently oppose everything Jefferson stands for, and then he's like, I hope you like all these ass[bleep].

So cut to four years down the line, and Jefferson's daughter dies, and Abigail Adams is like, Look, I know we've had our differences with Jefferson, but I should pop him off a letter.

She's like, look, I'm really, really sorry about your daughter, and it sucks that she is dead.

Jefferson gets this letter, and he's like, I-I want to thank you so much for being so considerate about the death of my daughter.

But while I've got your attention, I also want to tell you, [bleep] you, and [bleep] your husband for being such ass[bleep]

Who [bleep] up my presidency.

This is how immature these great men of American history were.

He can't even, like, just...

Like, that should have been two separate letters.

She's like, John, you know what?

We're done with Thomas Jefferson. He's an ass[bleep].

I tried to make it work with this guy, but [bleep] him.

So these two don't speak for a decade.

Eventually, Benjamin Rush, who was another founding father, was like, look, John Adams. Johnny, I love you two guys.

Why aren't you speaking anymore?

Why can't we all be friends like we used to back in those glory days, those 1776 days that were so magical?

And John Adams was like, look, I love Tommy Jeffs.

I'm a big fan. I'll pop him off a letter.

It's very general.

It's like, hey, how you doing? I-I miss you.

I hope you're all right. How's things going?

Jefferson gets the letter.

He's like, Adams, Johnny ads. Good to hear from you, buddy.

It's been ten years. How's life?

And then the letters start flowing, and before you know it, they start to connect on certain things.

They start to connect on, I'm a little concerned about sl*very.

Thomas Jefferson was like, I'm anti-sl*very, but I do have hundreds of slaves. [chuckles]

Uh...

Uh...

What am I talking about?

Keep going. You got it.

It's weird how quickly alcohol makes you not realize what you said at all. [laughs]

So, by the end of their life, these two have exchanged 158 letters, and they're best friends again.

Then it's 1826. John Adams is on his deathbed, and his last words are, independence forever, and also, Thomas Jefferson survives because that guy's [bleep] awesome.

Little did he know that just a few hours prior, miles and miles away, Thomas Jefferson had also d*ed.

That day was July 4th, the 50th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, which is crazy.

That's true friendship.

True friendship.

Cheers.

To friendship. You're my best friend.

We barely know each other.

No, we're best friends.

They realized Benedict Arnold has become a traitor.

Benedict's like, babe, we've been found out.

People say that this place is haunted. Do you feel that?

I'm sure that the spirits that are in this house are very accepting of the fact that we're here.

I can't deny something's going on.

You know, the [bleep]'s getting real.

Benedict Arnold.

Both: Benedict Arnold. Benedict Arnold.

Oh, my. He just said they called me an idiot.

That's sad.

I feel things, chip.

No, say it ain't so.

If there's any spirit in this room, touch Derek.

Do you hear that?

That was my stomach.

Okay.

I will admit to that one.

[glasses clinking] Cheers. Good ghost hunting.

Drink up, b*tches.

Thanks for having me over.

Oh, my gosh, I've been, uh...

I drank all the whiskey in town.

All of it? There's none to share?

Oh, there's some to share.

Okay.

I'm too drunk. [laughs]

Hello. Today we are going to talk about Benedict Arnold.

Benedict Arnold was a general in the American revolution.

He's a hero of Saratoga, but the Continental Congress promoted five other generals and not Benedict Arnold.

Benedict Arnold was very bummed out by that, so he goes to Philadelphia.

There's a young woman, Peggy Shippen, who is the it girl of Philadelphia.

Peggy was like, I'm hilarious, I'm British, And I'm the most beautiful person that anyone's ever seen.

She has a suitor named John Andre, but Benedict sees her and just falls crazy in love with her and tells her, it's better with you... this is not an exact quote.

It's better... you are so great.

I love you so much. You're so great.

So she marries Benedict Arnold, who I believe she also loved.

Oh, god.

What?

I just realized that I was being filmed.

[both laugh] My god.

So, anyway, Peggy says, sweetheart, you deserve to be backed by the government that you belong to.

You know, the British... would appreciate you. They would love you.

Also, my family's British.

Benedict's like, no, no, no.

No, I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna defect to the British side.

That's insane. George Washington's my daddy, kind of.

Peggy says, look, I have a friend in the British army, John Andre.

Benedict's like, is that guy your ex-boyfriend?

Peggy's like, well, I mean, Benedict, if you really want to be with me, be more confident.

And Benedict's like, yeah. yeah, I am going to betray the United States because I love you, and I'm going to prove to you that I am not jealous, and makes love to his wife.

And she's like, I love it. I love being a spy.

This is so great because I love drama.

I'm Peggy Shippen, like, what an adventure.

She was just a sheltered, entitled [bleep].

I have this whole imaginary chorus of women that are like, don't say [bleep]. Don't say [bleep].

But she was a [bleep] [bleep]. [laughs]

She was bad.

Peggy says, you write me letters.

I'm going to pass them on to John Andre.

So Benedict writes letters which are really passionate.

They're like, oh, Peggy, I love that I get to do it with you, Because he knows that John Andre is going to get them.

Also, the continental army is going to West Point.

Also, I love you, and I love you. I love you.

So they're passing letters back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

And eventually Benedict tells John Andre, okay, I'm gonna give you the information on how to att*ck us.

I'll tell you everything.

Also, I'm going to invite George Washington to my house, so you can take him if you want. Like, his friend.

Love.

Yeah, it sucks, sucks so much.

So they meet behind American lines, and Benedict takes out all these maps and says, okay, if you're going to att*ck, you need to att*ck this way, And they're signed by Benedict Arnold, which I don't understand why he would do that.

So John Andre starts headed home.

He doesn't get very far before he encounters three men.

They're like, okay, you have a red coat, and you have a British accent. We're going to search you.

John Andre's like, ugh.

And he has these maps, and they realize that Benedict Arnold has become a traitor.

I made a cake.

Oh, my gosh!

It's a history book that's drunk.

That's amazing.

Thank you for teaching me about Benedict Arnold.

Cheers.

Cake.

Ah.

So Benedict says to Peggy, babe, we've been found out.

And she's like, you just... you, get out of here.

Like, I'll deal with it on this end.

Meanwhile, George Washington is walking up to their house.

George Washington, head of...

Life? The head of the entire continental army is like, Oh, I'm gonna have breakfast with, uh, Peggy and Benedict, my favorite people in the whole world.

He gets these papers that Benedict Arnold betrayed him, and he very famously says, whom do we trust now?

[shudders]

I'm too drunk. Um, he goes to the house.

Peggy, meanwhile, rips off half of her clothes.

She's holding her six-month-old.

Peggy says, ah! You are sent here to k*ll my baby.

Baby k*ller, you're here to k*ll my baby.

And he's like, oh, my gosh, you're crazy. You're so cra... no.

He's just like, uh, women with their hysteria.

She's crazy right now, but she's absolute...

I can say without a doubt that she is innocent.

She was...she was... she was brilliant.

She was great. She wasn't great.

She was bad. [laughs]

Anyway, Benedict Arnold joins the British.

He's like, hey, I was American five minutes ago, and now I'm British. Let's do this.

And they were like, no, we don't... we don't trust you because you're this traitor. Just get the [bleep] out of here.

And he was shunned by everyone.

Then he was this, and like, limping, sad mean man.

And before he d*ed, he said to Peggy, take out my continental uniform, and she put it on him, and he said, I-I regret ever wearing any other uniform, and he d*ed. He d*ed in his American uniform.

You know what's really funny about being drunk is that you really feel like you're doing all the important things that you needed to do.

Right.

[both laugh]