02x07 - Officer of the Year

[bunniefuu]

The vibe continues here, and what I'm going for is like a return to the classic elegance of the 1920s, like "Great Gatsby" kind of thing, Yeah!

Gold, glitz, glamour.

Don't go crazy. It's just a policeman's ball.

Oh, okay. Well, you know what, then?

Why don't I just get a bunch of foot-long subs, and I can just throw 'em out there and people could devour them "Game of Thrones" style?

Now you're talking.

Throw in a couple of Oatmeal Cream Pies...

I'll be down in a catcher's mitt... are you kidding me?

Thank you so much...

No-no-no-no-no...

Yes. I have to.

No need... it wasn't a big deal.

It is a big deal. I know you pulled some strings to get me this job, and I just want to thank you.

It means a lot to me.

Oh, I don't think you heard right.

I told Chief McGrath, "Do not hire Emma."

Oh, is that right?

Yeah, I said, "She's really horrible at her job..."

Yeah?

"And she's definitely not gonna nail this like she does everything else."

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Thank you for not supporting me.

You're absolutely welcome.

I guess that's what I meant to say. If you could write me a Yelp review, that would be great.

[laughs] By the way, if this goes south, I am not gonna take my clothes off and save your ass like last time, okay?

Emma, we're ready!

For once, I have all the help I need, 'cause I know I drive you crazy.

You do. You drive me so crazy.

All right, let's get these lights turned on.

Dan, my man! Hey!

Pitching in? Helping out?

Hi.

Hi. Nice to see you.

Emma didn't tell me, uh...

I didn't expect to see you here.

You'll be seeing a lot of me. I'm gonna help out all week.

Oh, yeah?

Making him work for it.

You're gonna be here on the actual night?

Yeah.

You're gonna hang out with a bunch of boring cops?

Oh, I'm here for this one.

I can't get enough of my little pony.

Sorry... what did you call her?

Nothing.

It's nothing.

I've been calling her pony, 'cause she kicks in bed.

All right...

What does that mean?

Nothing.

After we're done...

That's okay...

After you're done, she's kicking?

I would love to see those lights.

Yeah, let's dive in. Dan, let's show 'em what we're working with!

All right!

Okay, guys, get ready for Tokyo New Year!

Three, two, one...

♪ Ah ♪

Aw...

Wow. Ha.

Oof. That did not work, Dan.

[chuckling]

Okay, easy, there.

I'm not paying him anything.

Guys, how 'bout we let Officer Rodriguez take a little look-see here?

Sometimes what you just need to do is you just jiggle the outlet with a Kn*fe.

With a what? No, don't do that.

No, no, no. [overlapping comments]

[zzzzt]

Whee-ah!

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Ooh, that smarts.

You okay?

Yeah. No, I'm good.

I'm tasting copper there...

Oh, is that your fillings?

Just gotta look... [overlapping chatter]

[zzzt]

Did you seriously do it again?

Hee! Hot damn!

Whoo!

Here's the problem. It's a little loose...

Mark...

No, stop, absolutely no...

[zzzt] [overlapping shouts]

There it is. There you go.

Yep.

Are you okay, man?

Yeah, baby. Just feeling juiced!

[laughing]

Looks great.

Whoo!

I...

[Say Hi's "Back before We Were Brittle" playing]

♪Hey, remember when ♪
♪All of time stood still ♪
♪Ooh, do do do do ♪
♪Back before we were brittle ♪
♪Back before we were brittle ♪

You ready for this first scrammer?

Uh, you know I am.

Here she comes.

[laughs] Okay... no!

Mark, no!

What? What's wrong with this?

That is a Mandarin collar, and you are neither an Asian gentleman nor Steven Seagal, so go back from whence you came, sir.

No, but look, I'm just talking about... schwax.

Talking about... sker-slack.

Schwax, schwax... I'm getting a little bit of this, I'm talking about... ba-twan!

Oh... [laughs]

I'm really serious about this garment.

If you think Emma's gonna let you in the ball looking like Jon Secada, you got another think coming.

How's that going, anyway, uh, with Dan and Emma?

Oh, good, I think. He just came up to the lake for a weekend.

Oh, Rabby D. got an invite to Kimmewah?

Yeah.

Serious, I guess.

All right. And she... And she's happy with him?

He, uh, he's... he's good to her and she's into him and stuff?

What are you doing?

What? Nothin'. Just... I'm just asking... questions that friends ask about friends, I don't...

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

It's just that, uh, like I was surprised to see Emma and Dan, because she's, uh, she's been giving me different signals.

Talking about the ankle night?

Hmm?

You talking about the ankle night when you guys were mounting each other?

We... [stammers]

You just signed your divorce papers and stopped wearing a garbage bag as a suit, so maybe you wanna cool your jets?

[laughing] What?

My jets are cool, okay?

My jets are cold, you understand?

They're so cold, you gotta de-ice my jets.

That's how cold they are. My jets are so freaking cold, they don't even have beef with the Sharks anymore.

Bam! "West Side Story."

Not many men can quote...

"West Side!"

Okay, okay.

Hey, who are you taking to this thing?

Uh, probs... probs going solo.

Yeah, just, you know, there's this one girl who's been hound-dogging me...

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

I really wish I just had a friend who'd go with me and just, like, get on that dance floor and just ramp it up! You know what I mean?

I'm trying to think if there's anybody that can do this...

What? Oh, no!

Oh...

Oh, no!

Oh! [shrilly] What up?

You gotta do that!

Oh!

[both laughing]

All right, you can come with me, but you gotta be okay with me wearing this.

No, no, no. What is that?

You look like Bell, Biv, and Devoe.

Never trust a big butt and a smile, girl.

[laughs]

[beep, click, click]

"Load letter A4"? What does that even mean?

Hey! I got the dry cleaning.

All good... they were about to close.

I love you so much. Can you look at this printer?

Because it hates my guts.

Yeah, absolutely.

[beeps, hums] There we go.

Yes! What would I do without you?

You're my Mrs. Patmore.

[British accent] Is that right?

[accent] Yeah, it's right!

Don't mess around with Thomas.

He's up to no good!

Argh!

All right, done and done!

Hey, so I just had a question for ya.

sh**t.

Um... is it okay if I continue to help you up until the night, but then on the actual night, I don't help you?

Oh, why?

Mark asked me to go with him.

Oh! Oh, okay.

Yeah, I mean, just as a friend, like as Yeah! a wingman with body rolls.

You know what, I'll just have to figure out a few things, but I think that should be fine.

Okay. I can tell from the way you're acting it's not fine.

No...

There is another woman who asked him, so he can just go with her...

No, I don't wanna... Wait, who's this woman?

I don't know... her name is Giselle Zarkovic.

That's not a real name.

It is, yeah.

She's a ballistics tech and she's Argentinean, half-Croatian, so she's got those international cheekbones.

Wow, those are a lot of different details that makes up up a different kind of woman...

She actually kind of looks like Andie McDowell.

I never really cared for her in "Four Weddings and a Funeral," so...

You know what?

I'm looking through my list, and I'm weighing the options here, and I actually... I think you should go with Mark.

Really?

Go, I insist.

Okay, but I'm gonna find the perfect person to replace me.

I know, Emma, I'm not your first choice, but I'm not gonna let you down.

Sometimes the substitute teacher ends up being the one you like the best.

Get your hands out of your pants!

Aye-aye, Captain.

Bruce, you're on water duty tonight.

If you spill on anybody, I will have you taken directly to jail.

That seems harsh, but absolutely.

Quick question.

Yes.

After I'm finished with my duties, would it be okay if I... dance?

What are you talking about?

There's gonna be a lot of beautiful, available women here tonight.

I know that most of them are gonna be gunning for Mark, but I'd love to catch some of that run-off if I could.

Gross. Yes. Fine. Do whatever you want.

Great.

Can I ask you something?

Do you know anything about this Giselle Zebra-witch woman?

Giselle Zarkovic?

Yeah.

Oh, she's way out of my league.

She looks just like Andie McDowell.

Uh-huh.

But warmer.

More spontaneous.

All right.

Can you get out of my face?

Absolutely.

[murmurs]

Hey.

Oh... what? Wow!

Whoo! I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

I am just under a lot of stress.

I thought you were Bruce, and I don't like him.

It's okay.

Okay.

Sorry.

Look at me, look at me.

Yeah.

All this...

Mm-hmm?

You got it.

Okay. Thank you.

Yeah. You got it.

No, I know... thank you.

Okay.

No, no, no, hey.

Eye contact.

Okay?

Mm-hmm.

You are exceeding... every expectation.

Okay.

Thank you.

Okay.

Can I go now, 'cause I just have some things to...

Okay. Thank you. Thank you so much, though.

Thanks.

Of course.

All right, table eight. Enjoy your night.

Hey, hey, hey, Emma!

[gasps] Chief McGrath!

The man of the hour! Don't you worry.

I got a plate of hot spagetts coming right to your table.

You know, you always take really good care of me.

You deserve it. Okay, have a great time.

Rodriguez.

Sergeant Rodriguez.

Wow, Mark!

Um... you are in a... this is a tuxedo.

Yes, it is.

Okay! [laughs]

Man, if you were wearing something like this at senior prom instead of that all-beige Boyz II Men getup, maybe you would have gotten lucky!

As I recall, I still did.

Did you? Is that what... happened?

I don't have to check the journals on that one, but...

Where is Maggie?

Did someone say my name?

Oh, hello.

Oh, Maggie! You're stunning!

Hoo hoo hoo!

Top to bottom!

Look at you, girl!

I just got it at T.J. Maxx... no big deal.

Oh, is that it? It's gorgeous!

Thank you!

Let's give you a spin.

Oh, shall I?

Mm-hmm.

Oh... [all chuckling]

Oh! You ready to go, beautiful?

Well...

Yes!

She is!

Yes, she is! She is.

And we can is just what I was saying.

Well, you better get in there, you jerks.

You're gonna be the belles of the ball.

All right.

And I'll just... I'll be here...

Okay.

If you need anything.

God...

Giselle?

Giselle Zarkovic.

Wow, you do look like Andie McDowell.

I'm sorry?

Oh, nothing.

I just said that you look like a friend of mine, um, Shpandy McSpowell from high school.

Popular, but slutty.

But not her fault.

'Cause she developed early, and everyone was like, "I gotta touch it," so...

Anyway, you're at table 24.

Great cheekbones.

Okay.

And now we come to the highlight of the night, and that is the award for the Pinebrook Police Department's Officer of the Year.

Boom, boom, nailed it.

Since he joined the force, Mark has single-handedly transformed law enforcement right here in Pinebrook, and somehow he still finds time to do outreach work for children with special needs through Easter Seals...

Sounds like a pretty cool guy.

Hey! Why didn't you tell me you were getting an award tonight?

You know I don't like this kinda stuff.

I just... I don't know. Just didn't tell you.

Okay.

Not to mention, by the way, his daring ice rescue earlier this year...

Griff Lutski... and I know Griff is here.

Griff, give us a little wave or something...

Come on, man. Ice rescue?

Well, yeah. He was under the ice.

You gotta do something.

So all the times I thought you weren't doing police work, you really were?

I told you that I was.

So I don't really understand why you don't believe me.

I'm still not sold.

You couldn't ask for a kinder, more genuine, and handsome man, our Officer of the Year, let's welcome Sergeant Mark Rodriguez.

I'll catch you later.

[applause]

Sneak att*ck! Back rub.

Oh, God. Wow, you really scared me. Sorry.

Why so tense?

Congratulations.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

Give it a rest, Andie McDowell.

What's that?

Oh, nothing.

Just... do you think that woman over there looks like Andie McDowell?

Oh, yeah. Kinda.

Yeah?

But younger.

[chuckles]

[hip-hop music]

♪♪

Boss! Hey, boss!

Yeah.

All right, tables are cleared.

Sauces are legally married.

Is it all right if I hit the dance floor?

Sure, Bruce. I saw...

Andie McDowell out there.

You gonna make your move?

Naw. Think she's got the hots for Mark.

Oh, I don't know, Bruce.

What if you were to go out there, tap her on the shoulder, and show her what you got?

Me? Ah... I'm just the water guy.

Bruce... on the dance floor, [whispers] anything's possible.

Roger that.

No.

Roger Rabbit that!

Oh, I don't know. That wasn't... okay.

What are you doing, Emma?

Just stop doing it. Just stop it.

Oh, hey!

Oh, God.

What are you doing in here?

Nothing. I'm just, um...

You have Capital D?

No. No, I'm just having some, um, some feelings in here that I'm not comfortable with.

And that's not Capital D? 'Cause I have a whole...

Just, um...

Oh, God, you're coming in close.

I'm having feelings.

Okay.

Like, um...

What kind of feelings?

Like I'm looking at Mark, and then I'm having feelings.

So what are these feelings, Maggie?

I-I don't know. What are they?

They're just that I wanna be into it... and onto it [whispers] and beside it!

Okay, so you're having like a surge of heat and attraction.

Yes!

And why am I having these feelings?

Because things are finally good with Dan!

And why wouldn't I want to throw away a perfectly great relationship with a perfectly great guy and instead, move over to a guy who wears a garbage bag on his day off?

Okay, I need you to calm down...

And I have a bone to pick with you.

Yes, I do!

'Cause you are the one that got him that great tux!

Where did you get that tux?

Well, the other options were Jon Secada and "King and I"...

Either one of them would have been better!

Oh, God, maybe that's it.

Maybe I wouldn't be having these feelings if he wasn't wearing a tux!

I don't know, Em.

I mean, weren't you having these feelings when he was wearing a garbage bag?

And weren't you feeling these same... feelings when you were 17 and you saw him for the first time?

All right, what are you doing, man?

I'm just...

Get out of my brain, okay?

I'm not interested in your lady tricks, all right?

If this is some sort of reverse psychology situation, then I... Okay, I know.

I know what I need to do.

I need to recommit to Dan.

That's it.

No, that's not at all what I'm saying.

Well, whatever you are saying is not helpful!

Oh, my God.

You were terrible in "Accidental Tourist"... P.S.

Oh, that was Geena Davis. I'm so sorry.

[humming]

[dance music plays]

Hey, you and me, dance floor.

Oh, no, you don't want me out there.

Yes, I do want you out there.

No, you don't want this.

Yes, yes.

I'm not much of a dancer.

I do... I do want this.

Okay. I'm sorry you've got to see this.

Okay, all right.

What are you doing?

Hey, don't laugh. This is my dance.

This is your dance?

Mm-hmm.

You look like a balloon man at the top of a car dealership.

[humming]

Can we not... can we stop this?

Oh, thank God!

[slow music begins] I don't know if I can unsee that.

Thank you for bringing me tonight.

I had a good time.

[sighs]

♪♪

What you eye-balling over there?

What? Nothing. Nothing.

Yeah, you are. You're staring straight at Em.

Yeah, but you don't have to worry, 'cause my jets are cool.

I'm fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, um... [sighs]

Maybe you just, uh...

[mumbles] turn 'em on.

I'm sorry... I'm not... What did you say? What?

[mumbling] Maybe you should turn your jets on.

Turn my whats on?

Turn those jets on.

Are you saying turn my jets on... are you saying...

Turn your jets on!

Thank you!

I'm saying it out loud.

But why? Why?

Just 'cause information has come to light, okay?

And I can't get into the specifics, but...

What specifics? What... What information?

What happens in a ladies' bathroom stays in a ladies' bathroom.

I've already said too much.

No, no, no, no...

Sorry. Oh, sh*t.

♪I love to move it, move it ♪

Bruce? It's our song.

♪Move it! ♪

Whoo!

♪ I like to move it, move it, I like to move it ♪

[upbeat dance music]

Well, Maggie and Bruce are really taking over.

Oh, yeah. They always did their best work on the dance floor.

♪♪

I'm sorry, has anyone seen the Officer of the Year?

[loud cheers]

♪♪

Okay, okay, everybody, wait a second.

Everybody, take it easy.

Listen, somebody is gonna have to call for backup... because this officer... is gettin' down.

What?

Whoo!

♪♪

You should get out there.

No, no, no.

You know, I was thinking, I should be getting anyway.

I-I got to be up early for morning services.

Are you sure?

Please, yeah.

I want you to be with your friends.

Oh, okay.

I'm gonna see you at my... place later?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well...

Hey, thank you for... everything.

Yeah. Yeah.

Whatever you need.

♪♪

What are you doing out here, Emma?

I was just, um, checking to see if these vines were still growing.

Oh, yeah? What's, uh... what's the verdict?

Guilty. I mean good.

It's all... it's all good.

Hey, congrats again on the award.

You deserve it.

Can I tell you something?

Yeah.

Last year, a drug-sniffing pig won the same award.

Do you think you could introduce me, 'cause I would love to get an autograph.

Well, you know, he's the commissioner now, so, he might be busy.

Hey, where's your medal? You should be wearing it.

Oh, I'm not going to wear it. No, no, come on.

My God, if I had a medal, I would wear it all the time.

Do you want to try mine on?

Yeah, I'll give it a sh*t.

Oh, man.

This is tough stuff.

I would very much like to kiss you right now, but...

You have a boyfriend.

And you're not that kind of girl.

No.

And I'm not that kind of guy.

But, uh, if I was that kind of guy...

Yeah?

I would put my hand on the small of your back.

Uh-huh.

And then I would brush the hair out of your face.

And then I would tilt my face.

Up towards my...

Lips.

But we're not... we're not those people.

And the last time...

I don't know that I can do that again.

Unless...

Conga!

[shouting]

[cheering]

Dance with us!

[soft piano music]

♪♪
♪♪

Hey.

Morning, Mags.

Made you breakfast.

I wasn't sure if you would be hungry but I was starvin' majarvin.

That's really sweet. Thank you, Bruce.

Yeah. And Mary Pat's on her way over with Charlotte.

I made you some coffee. Half and half and sugar.

That's how you like it, right?

Yeah.

Um, Bruce, last night was, um, crazy.

Yeah. And real fun, right?

Actually, it was real fun.

I just want to make sure that you and I are on the same page.

Mags, you can stop right there.

Okay.

Last night was a one-off.

It's like the movie "Daredevil" or "Gremlins 2."

But nonetheless I had a very enjoyable experience and for that, I thank you.

Oh, well, I'm just happy it all still works down there, you know?

Let me assure you, madam, everything is in tip-top condition.

Really. Fantastic stuff.

Thank you.

[laughs]

Morning, Emma.

Hey, Bruce.

What is Bruce doing here?

Wh... where were you last night?

I broke up with Dan.

Aw, Rabby Dan? I'm sorry.

Oh, it's okay. Here, sit down. Bruce made us pancakes.

Wait, did you have sex with Bruce?

One thing at a time.

Did it all work down there?

Right as rain.