01x03 - Kale

[bunniefuu]

The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.

Jerrod: So, I was on a walk, Maxine, and I had this epiphany on the walk.

I noticed that you can tell how nice your neighborhood is by, like, the litter that's on the ground.

And congratulations, Maxine, 'cause we live in a pretty nice neighborhood, all right?

It was like a ATM receipt.

I saw a bag from the Apple Store.

On my way in, I stepped over an unused condom, Maxine.

It was a... it was a condom, and it wasn't used.

Now, where I grew up, we had scary litter.

There's only so many bags of Flaming Hot Cheetos a man can see before he knows he's about to be m*rder*d.

I get it. People-people get m*rder*d.

Yeah.

Um, can you hand me that?

What are you making here, by the way? What was...?

Cheesy potatoes?

Yes.

A-a rib-eye?

Maxine, you don't eat like this.

Your parents do.

Oh, so, now you want to live like my parents?

Jerrod, I've been trying to figure out why I haven't really connected with your parents, and I think it's because I'm not the traditional homemaker, take-care-of-my-man type of woman that they expect.

Mm-hmm.

So I'm just gonna try a new tactic.

I'm just gonna not act like myself anymore.

Look, this is the first time that they're coming over, and I want them to like me.

My family... you know, they're all divorced and dysfunctional.

I like your family.

They're all close and on top of each other.

I know you think you're describing a good thing, Maxine, but what you just described is how homeless people live.

Plus, I'm adding a new dish.

What? Whoa, whoa.

No. Is that kale?

No, that doesn't go with anything that I'm cooking.

I... Maybe I can cream it or fry it.

Or maybe you could cream it, then bread it, then fry it.

Ooh.

Ooh.

No. No, Maxine. No.

My parents eat horrible, okay?

Really bad. I'm always trying to get 'em to eat better.

You know, when I was little, my mom would say, "If I cooked, and it's on the table, you're going to eat it."

Now it's my turn.

Okay, well, your parents are not gonna eat kale.

Well, it's not just kale. It's a kale salad.

(doorbell rings)

Hey.

Aah!

We're here for Sunday Fun-Day!

I'm at the boy's now.

All right, I'll see you at work.

All right. All right.

All right.

Dad!

I'll see you at work.

All right, all right, all right.

You know I got free nights and weekends.

I got to get these calls in.

Hi, Maxine.

Hello. Welcome!

Thank you. It's so nice of you, Maxine, to invite us over to Jerrod's apartment.

Ma, you know Maxine lives here now.

Oh. Well, it does look different.

Uh, yeah, I hung up a few pictures and I repainted the walls.

Painted? Why'd you go and do that?

'Cause it was a color.

It was a color, and she wanted it a different color.

You know her family has trouble sticking to one color.

(laughter)

He was gonna do it anyway.

I was.

He was gonna do it.

He was.

Here's you a little housewarming gift.

Oh. Thanks.

Okay, why doesn't everyone just, uh, take a seat and I will bring out the appetizers?

Oh.

Where's the head of the table?

Dad, it's a... it's a square table.

I don't think there's a head.

There's always a head. Where are you gonna sit?

I'm sitting here.

Not anymore.

All right, here we go.

Oh, you gonna feed us one bite at a time.

It's just a little bacon-wrapped shrimp to start.

Okay.

Well, all right. That's two things I like.

Yeah.

All done.

How many more do I get?

Oh.

As many as you like, Joe.

Joe, this is actually pretty good.

She didn't Maxine it.

(laughs)

Maxine: What?

Maxine it?

Oh, it's just a little thing we say.

When you made something bad.

But we said you didn't do that, so be proud of yourself, girl.

Oprah got arrested yesterday.

Oh, no! Gayle, too?

Yup, yup, yup, Gayle, too, Mama. Ponzi schemes.

Hold-hold on.

You mean to tell me that Oprah Winfrey and-and Gayle, uh... Winfrey got...

...got arrested in a Ponzi scheme?

Bobby, I told you to come up with a believable excuse to get us out of here.

Dad, you said to make the lie undeniable, and I did.

Son, Oprah would never get arrested.

She is an angel that walks the earth.

She is the reason black people wake up in the morning.

♪

Boy, these cheesy things is dead on.

Mmm.

That taste like Cynthia's, only different.

I can't put my finger on it.

It's nutmeg.

Ooh.

Nutmeg? Oh.

Uh, no. I doubled the cheese.

Oh. That's interesting.

Oh.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, that's it.

Cynthia: Yeah.

Double the cheese. Yeah.

Cynthia: I like that.

Mom?

Hmm?

Salad?

Pass.

Yeah, Jerrod, quit Maxine-ing my dinner!

Oh!

Did I use it right?

You got him good, girl.

Yeah!

Well, that looks like rabbit food.

Nuh-uh.

I fed my rabbit steak. He was a champion.

You guys got to eat vegetables, and I feel like I shouldn't have to say that.

I do eat vegetables.

I had jalapeño poppers before I came over here.

All right.

Well, I hate to do this to you, Mom, but if I cooked it and it's on the table, you're gonna eat it.

Okay, fine!

I'll eat your durn rabbit food.

Thank you very much. Get some kale.

You get some kale, and you get some kale.

And you get some kale.

Oh! Oh!

It's nasty! It's just...

It's nasty!

(coughing) It's not nasty.

Joe, are you okay?

Oh, Lord, he's rejecting the kale!

He's grabbing his heart att*ck area!

Wait a minute.

Come on now. Hold on.

It's just a little indigestion.

Is this for real?

Smile so we can see if you're having a stroke.

Why am I gonna smile if I'm having a stroke?!

Somebody get me some Pepto!

All right.

No, no, no, no, don't get Pepto.

This may really be a heart att*ck.

A heart att*ck?

I'm calling 911.

Hey, use Dad's phone.

He's got free nights and weekends.

Joe: Nuh-uh!

The ambulance co-pay is $300.

I'll give you the $300.

Oh, now you're better than me?

No, I'm calling.

(laughing, rhythmic beeping)

Do y'all hear that beep?

No. I mean, listen to it.

Yeah, that beep got a b*at.

Uh-uh. Now I got to spit now.

(laughing): I know y'all ain't ready for this.

You ready, Daddy? (clears throat)

Joe: Oh.

♪ I said my daddy about to die. ♪

Oh, will you stop freestyling over Dad!

The doctor said he'll be in soon, and he said to quit asking him how soon it'll be.

But it's fine.

It's fine because I got my God on speed dial.

Maybe I shouldn't have doubled the cheese.

No, that's the only thing that made sense tonight.

Jerrod: Really?

Made sense, Dad? Look, your arteries are clogged, your blood pressure's sky high, you had this triple bypass surgery a couple years ago...

Yeah, and that hit the reset button.

Now it took me damn near 60 years to clog these arteries.

So now I feel like I got another 60 before they're full again.

I am starving to death.

Somebody go over to the vending machines and get me some potato chips.

Yeah, I'll go... I'll go get 'em for you, Joe.

Thank you, darling.

Seriously?

He called me "darling."

Jerrod: Look, Dad...

All right, gather round.

(bed buzzing)

I got something I want to say.

Oh, no.

Now we got to talk about the future of this family.

After I go and your mama goes, somebody has got to step up and take over this family.

Will it be you, the chubby brave one?

Or you, the skinny one who forgot where he comes from?

Wait a minute. No. I watch TV.

Dad is trying to Empire us!

Here you go.

Or maybe I'll leave it all to you, Maxine... the rising star.

Plain chips?

You want flavor?

You know I want flavor.

Okay.

Now, boys, after I go, you got to look after your mama.

Now, I'm assuming that you're not gonna get remarried, right, honey?

Well, yeah, eventually.

It gets lonely out there.

Yeah, well, it better not be to that Lawrence from down the street.

Oh, Lawrence.

Jerrod: Wait, wait, wait.

Who's-who's Lawrence from down the street?

You know Lawrence. He bowlegged.

Lawrence, man, damn.

From down the street?

From down the street. Yeah.

Oh, doctor's here.

Hello.

How are you feeling?

Look, now, Doc, don't feel the need to sugarcoat anything, all right?

Just give it to him straight.

He knows that he had a heart att*ck, so just tell him how bad it was. Like a 4.5?

Uh, Mr. Carmichael, you did not have a heart att*ck.

Told you!

Thank goodness.

Check the chart again. I mean, look at the man.

He's got lumps all over his body.

Why are you looking at your daddy's lumpy body?

Mr. Carmichael, can you tell me a little bit about your night?

I mean, what led up to the pain in your chest?

That one made me try kale.

Cynthia: Oh, it was nasty.

It was just nasty.

Felt like Christmas tree in my mouth.

I see here you had a bypass in 2013?

No, Doc. Not a bypass. A triple.

Ah.

Triple crown.

Triple crown.

American Pharaoh.

Yes.

Well, we did find some new blockage, and that is concerning.

See? Concerning, Dad. He said "concerning."

Doctor, what are you trying to say?

I recommend we get ahead of this to avoid another bypass in the future.

One good option is to put in a stent.

It's an outpatient procedure.

You'll be on your feet the next day.

Now, how soon can we do this?

No, you said "option." What's the other option?

Well, we don't put in the stent, and you run the risk of doing even more damage.

I'll take that one.

That sounds like a lot less work for both of us.

What?! Are you kidding me?

Barbecue?

Barbecue!

All right.

Oh, thank God everything is fine.

Yup, clean bill of health.

We're calling a partially blocked artery a clean bill of health now?

You choose to see my artery as half blocked, while I choose to see it as half open.

It's all in your perspective, son.

Now, what's for dessert?

Oh, I can make you some, uh, banana pudding.

Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Well, now, 20 minutes ago, a doctor told this man he needs to have procedure to unclog an artery, and now you want to make him some pudding?

Hey, hey, hey, man, pudding can slide through a tiny hole, brother.

Why is everybody cool with him not having it?

Ma, will you talk to him?

Jerrod, your daddy is his own man.

I will not tell him what to do with his body, 'cause I sure don't want him to tell me what to do with mine.

W... What about you, Bobby?

Like, are you cool with Dad not having the surgery?

(sighs) Yeah, I... Look, I don't want to see Dad go through that again.

And that bypass was just way too much.

To be honest with you, you know, I'd just rather he die.

Thank you, son.

Why can't you be more like your brother?

Maxine: Jerrod.

What are you doing? It's 3:00 in the morning.

I'm eating waffles. It's... it's my stress food.

It makes me feel like I'm in a log cabin and everything's okay.

Aw, I'm sorry.

I know that you're frustrated that your dad won't go through with the procedure.

Yeah. Yeah.

Do you feel like talking about it now?

Wait a minute, I know what you're doing.

You're trying to therapist me, aren't you?

I told you about that.

I told you. I don't want you to therapist me, Maxine.

I'm not into that.

O-Okay. Then I'll... then I'll just sit here and watch TV with you.

Thank you.

(grunts)

(sighs)

See, the problem with my father is, like... if he's not gonna get the stent, right...

Mm-hmm.

If he's not gonna get the stent, the least he could do is eat healthy, but, like, the problem is he grew up poor, and nobody shows poor people how to eat healthy, you know?

You know what his favorite holiday is?

Hmm?

Free Pancake Day at IHOP.

Well, what's wrong with Free Pancake Day?

Everybody loves free pancakes.

It's IHOP's way of giving back to the community.

What? No, it's not giving back if the gift is diabetes, Maxine.

Okay? You ever notice that it's only, like, the worst food that they give away for free? Like, you never hear about Whole Foods having, like, Free Apple Day.

You know? That's how they keep people down. They give 'em high blood pressure and, like, diabetes and gout.

'Cause you can't run for president if you ain't got no legs, Maxine.

All right, I'm hearing your frustration, and I think that you're taking out some anger on IHOP.

My dad's in denial. I mean, it's like... if he's not gonna get the stent, he needs to eat healthy.

He needs to exercise, you know?

Look, if you really want to help your dad, you've got to tell him what he means to you, why you don't want to lose him.

You know, appeal to his emotions.

Show him that you're coming from a place of-of caring and that you love him.

Just accept him for who he is and... enjoy the time that you have with him now.

So, uh, just give up on my father.

That's your advice? Give up on my father?

You know what, Maxine, I'm gonna come up with a better idea, and, when I do, don't you try and take credit for it, okay?

(groans)

And, you know what, Maxine, if you really believe that love can change people, then... you should know I love you.

And I really think you need to change your major.

♪ Jacob's ladder... ♪
♪ Soldier... ♪

Hey, Ma. You in here singing sl*ve songs?

I guess.

What you got over there?

All right, so last night Maxine and I were talking, right, and then I figured it out all on my own.

Uh-huh.

Oh.

So, everything that Dad eats comes through you.

Uh-huh.

Meaning we needed to come bring you some healthier options, you know?

Okay.

Okay, Ma, what are you doing?

I'm making your daddy some banana pudding.

He changed his mind last night, so I made him some caramel corn.

Caramel corn? Banana pudding?

What is this, a-a... just a bucket of butter, Ma?

It's like Paula Deen's kitchen in here.

You know, I feel sad for her.

You have one outburst, and everybody forgets how good your biscuits are!

All right, well, look, Maxine, you get the fridge, I'll get the cabinets, all right?

Yep.

Uh-uh, uh-uh! Don't be messing up my kitchen.

You don't see me coming in your house, switching things around, like repainting the walls or putting out your girlfriend.

Um, I-I meant that in general, Maxine.

Of course.

Otherwise it'd be cruel.

Hey, Maxine, while you're here, throw some fruit in there, all right?

Jerrod, you know your daddy don't like fruit like that.

Then how are you even making banana pudding?

I don't use bananas.

Baby, get me that yellow dye at the cabinet.

No.

No, no. No, no, no, no, no.

What are... Ma, you got to eat real food.

You know, growing up, I drank more Kool-Aid than water?

And you were happy. Don't you forget that.

You can't keep making excuses for him.

If he keeps eating like this, he's gonna end up back in the hospital.

Jerrod, I cook the way I cook.

Now, there is a reason why broccoli recipes are not passed down from generation to generation.

You know what? And I thought about that.

That's why I got you this. I got you a cookbook, Ma.

Healthy recipes in here, okay?

Oh, no, Jerrod, you know I fry everything.

I know you fry everything. I know you do.

I don't know how to do...

And that's why I got you this, too. Look.

Tofu?

It's a... it's a steamer, all right?

You don't add any grease or oil, just water.

Now, slow down! I'm not a scientist!

All right.

Listen to me, Ma, before you go telling me that healthy food is too expensive to buy...

Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.

I figured you were gonna say something like that. I got you this.

What is this?

It's a gift card to Whole Foods, okay?

Whole...

Now we don't have any more excuses.

We can't just keep pretending nothing's wrong, all right? Dad needs healthier options.

So it's enough money on there for you to buy the groceries for a couple weeks.

A couple of weeks, huh?

All right.

I'll go to your fancy grocery store.

Thank you. Thanks.

Well, tell me this, do I have to dress up to go in there?

Or should I wear my hat?

You know I got a nice hat.

You know what, I'm gonna get my hat.

Joe! Where's my hat?!

Get this thing in here. All right, be careful.

All right. All right.

(grunting)

Okay.

Right here's cool. (exhales)

Daddy got a swing!

Wait a minute. Wait, what the hell?

Dad, why is there a swing in the middle of the living room?

It's not a swing.

It is an organic, fair trade, non-pasteurized hemp hammock.

I bought it with your gift card.

Cost me $200.

Which, by the way, you owe me $53.

You weren't planning on bringing that thing in here, were you?

I can't have no treadmill in my living room.

That-That's crazy.

Hey, kids.

Ma, you were supposed to buy healthy food with that money.

I took your father to the store with me.

You know how he is when he sees something he likes.

I thought you said you wanted me to make him happier.

No, I said I wanted you to make him healthier.

Well, that was not clear.

All right, you know what, Dad, get up, all right?

Get up. Get out, all right? I'm taking this back. You-you... you are really, really selfish, you know that?

You really just want us all to sit around and watch you k*ll yourself.

What? I'm not trying to k*ll myself.

This is a stress reliever.

I'm more relaxed than the sleeping hippie on the box!

Here. You know what, you won't exercise, you won't get the stent, you won't eat healthy.

That is asking your family to watch you k*ll yourself.

Well, what about what you're asking me to do?

That is a dangerous procedure.

What I'm telling you you need to do is that you need to...

No, I don't need you to tell me anything. I'm the one that has to lie on the table, get knocked out, and have his chest cracked open.

Does that sound like fun? Well, I will tell you.

It is not. 'Cause I had to do the same damn thing for that bypass. And it made me realize that my life could be over in an instant.

And I promised myself, moving forward, I'm gonna do things that make me happy.

And that surgery doesn't make me happy.

Well, I'm telling you you learned the wrong lesson.

The lesson you were supposed to learn was to appreciate life.

The lesson you were supposed to learn was to appreciate your family. I mean, don't you want to stick around in case you have grandkids?

That's hypothetical, Maxine.

Don't you dare... don't you dare pawn them kids off on me.

I already raised you, and I'm gonna be honest with you, I did not enjoy it.

So that's it, huh?

You're just gonna sit around and die, huh?

No, I'm gonna sit around and live.

Why are you so worried about when I'm gonna die?

Because you're my father! Maybe... maybe I'm not done with you yet.

All right.

I get it.

You need me.

So, um... maybe I'll get that stent.

You will?

Well, I mean, if my son is standing here telling me that he will be completely lost without me...

That is not what I said.

You said your life is gonna be in shambles if I happen to die.

I did not...

I did not say that either.

Come on, boy. Come in here now.

(groans, chuckles)

Come on, come on now.

All right. All right.

Ah.

All right.

(chuckling)

I told you to use your emotions.

This is... this is all me.

No, no, no, no. I'm sorry, Dad. No, no.

I told him to use his emotions.

I will not let you have this one.

She Maxined the whole moment!

(overlapping chatter)

Okay. Who wants Daddy's Home from the Hospital Cake?

Ma...

And before you start, Jerrod, it's low fat.

(mouthing)

I see that.

(sighs) Give your daddy a break.

He just escaped death for the second time.

I was lying on that table, and I don't know what happened but I left my body.

Then the next thing I know, I'm staring down on myself, and I turn around and all I can see is vast nothingness.

It's like I could see everything but nothing.

And I think, "Man, this must be what peace looks like."

And then I-I... Who you waving at?

Lawrence from down the street.

Lawrence from down the street?

Lawrence, you better get your ass back down the street!

(laughter)

Well, I got your daddy to exercise.