01x08 - Superdad

[bunniefuu]

[baby crying]

[man beatboxing]

♪ ♪

[man humming and beatboxing]

♪ ♪

Hey, honey.

Oh, don't forget, it's curriculum night at the school.

We have to be there at 6:00.

6:00?

Mm-hm.

Yeesh. I'm gonna have to take an early nap.

You just woke up. Do you have any idea what time it is?

You know what time I went to bed last night?

No.

Neither do I.

That binge-watching is k*ller.

Netflix is like a giant hole some nights.

Oh, my God. Jim, looking at you just now cured me of gayness.

I am no longer attracted to men.

Oh. I'll try to attempt to be more presentable next time I don't invite you to my apartment.

Jeannie: You two are just so much fun to be around.

Oh, my God.

What? Whoa, Jim!

You're actually on the cover!

Yeah.

They interviewed me for an article on New York Dads.

I didn't think I'd get the cover.

Well, it's official. Print media is dead.

Daniel. I think this is awesome.

It's so pro-family.

It's pretty cool, right?

Wait, settle down.

It's Time Out New York. It's not The New Yorker.

Um, this is strange.

What?

I don't see any mention of me anywhere.

Let me see that.

I'm sure I do.

Right there.

"Gaffigan, who lives with his wife and five children."

Yeah, there I am.

"His wife?"

You couldn't even say her name?

I was protecting her privacy.

Well, you mention all the kids' names here, and here you talk about your awful friend Dave.

This whole article reads like you're a single father.

Hey, it's not his fault.

I'm sure it was some sort of mistake.

And the word "wife" is in the crease.

Oh, come on. I have no control over what a journalist writes.

Jeannie: Yeah, exactly. This is so typical of the media.

Any father who's moderately involved in his kids' lives is considered an instant hero.

They probably think Jim's Superdad because he remembered all five of our kids' names.

Wait, there's five now?

Shall we quiz him on their names?

Jim helps out in many ways that you can't see.

Name one.

He takes them on outings all the time.

Yep.

He takes them to restaurants when they're sleeping. They come back smelling like smoked meat.

That's a great smell.

He helps out with naps.

I do.

Daniel: Can you name something that doesn't involve eating or sleeping?

Uh, uh, uh, I took the garbage out last night.

Yeah. You were in your underwear. You almost got arrested.

Yeah, I had to bring the garbage back in to avoid the cop.

It was like double the work.

But that's okay. I took it out again later.

See? I do tons of stuff.

You know, obviously I'm not Superdad, but all I have to do is call the writer and explain that Jeannie's the real superstar.

Oh, no, no. Don't do that. That's gonna backfire.

I don't want people thinking I'm a bad mom 'cause I chose you to have kids with.

Daniel: Yeah, she makes a good point.

That came out wrong.

I'm not that bad of a father, am I?

Not at all.

You're a great father.

You're a Superdad.

Superdad?

I mean, you're literally being rewarded for overpopulating the planet with your Aryan offspring.

Yeah. I feel kind of bad, 'cause Jeannie didn't even get mentioned in the article.

Why? I'm only in here for a paragraph.

Well, it's an article about parenting.

Oh.

Well, she's the mother and does 90% of the work.

It's not enough that you don't use birth control and have no life?

Look, I got... I gotta tell you something, man.

It's a little humiliating.

What?

You... you're known as a dad, you know?

You... you're like the human equivalent of cargo shorts.

What's wrong with cargo shorts?

Well...

I like being a dad.

I am a dad.

It's the most important thing I will ever fail at.

You know, you didn't get this cover 'cause of your breeding problem.

You got it 'cause you're a family-friendly comic.

So you think people only like me 'cause I'm clean?

I just think the mainstream, you know, likes that bland and boring stuff.

Wow.

Come on, man.

I'm not saying you're not a little funny.

I'm just saying that, you know, comics like me have more of a kind of niche audience.

Yeah, a smarter, hipper crowd.

I didn't say that.

You know what? I think you're jealous.

Oh, I'm jealous? Am I... am I Yeah. jealous of that picture?

Uh-huh.

Did they not offer retouching?

You look like Casper the Pudgy Ghost.

Yeah, I'm a little light today.

I was wondering if you could pick this...

Sure you don't want someone from Radiohead to buy you lunch?

No, you're good.

woman: Before we adjourn to the art room where all of your children have been decorating the new walls with spectacular collages made of colored macaroni...

Gluten-free.

Of course.

woman: Ah, I have a special announcement to make.

You know, every once in a long while, a special parent really stands out in our community, and Mrs. Jeannie Gaffigan has done so much for our little school.

But most exciting of all, she has provided us with her husband, Jim "Superdad" Gaffigan.

Yes.

And the most exciting part is Jim mentioned the name of our school in the article.

He is so darn modest.

I mean, at pick up or drop off, you barely even know that he's there, so everybody, let's, please, give him a round of applause.

woman: What a good guy.

And on to the art room.

Jeannie...

Thanks. Thanks so much.

Thank you.

Hi. I hope your wife knows what she has.

Well, you know, she's right here.

Jeannie, do you... do you, ah, do you know what you have here?

I do.

I'll see you in the art room.

Yeah. Okay.

Er, she's nice.

Hey, Superdad.

Oh, hey. Heh.

That's...

I'm on to you.

But...

You don't fool me for a second.

But I... I'm not trying to fool any... one.

You know...

The crowd was uptight.

Well, you know, I-I thought it went well.

I mean, I like your stuff. It's very edgy.

I knew it was gonna upset some people, so whatever, man.

Well, that's what comedy's about, you know... upsetting people.

Oh, wait a minute. Are you still mad about today?

No, no, no. I thought it was really artistic how you were miming having sex with the stool.

It was creative. I learn when I watch you.

Maybe I'm just courageous enough to say and do things on stage that you would never.

Oh, you know what? I think anyone can say anything.

I just don't think you should get extra credit for shocking people.

Hey, look, what I do onstage is important, even if it upsets some people, okay?

I mean, Lenny Bruce got criticized for the same kind of thing.

You're about as close to Lenny Bruce as I am to Lenny Kravitz.

Oh, man. Okay, I get it.

I get it. I am sorry.

I am sorry, Jim, for what I said to you today at Katz's.

I'm sorry that I tried to tell the truth.

Thanks. And I'm sorry I said that you were jealous just 'cause you are.

I'm jealous? I mean, you've got to be delusional, man.

Oh, delusional.

For me to be jealous, you'd actually have to possess something about which I would be jealous.

I think you're jealous of my whole life.

Of your whole life? Which part?

Yes, you're...

The wife? The thinning hair? The 109 kids? I mean, it's a car wreck.

A car wreck? My life's a car wreck?

You live with your mom in a retirement community in Jersey City.

I think you're jealous of just about everyone's life.

Okay, no, that's good. That's some edgy stuff.

That's rich, man. You know, making fun of my mom, you know?

Why don't I call Jeff Ross, see if I can get you on the next roast, okay?

That'd be great.

I got a gig at the Cellar, man. Stay safe.

Okay.

Oh, who am I kidding?

That's your entire existence.

[Jim laughs]

That's so funny!

[beatboxing]

There he is... Superdad.

[both laughing]

Children, do you know that your father's Superdad?

Now, what super powers does he have?

Um, he sleeps a lot.

Oh.

Would you please sign this? I want to hang it up in the rectory.

Oh, sure, sure. Sure.

And can you write, "From a father to a father."

Because, you know, Jim is a father, and a priest is also called "a father."

No, I get the joke.

You know, Father Nicholas, I'm glad that you think that Jim is a role model for dads, but if you remember, his church attendance was so erratic, you thought I was a widow.

Ah, a man who works hard to father his children needs some time to rest.

If that time happens to be on a Sunday morning, well, then so be it.

Yeah. The man makes a good point, you know.

Father Nicholas: It is perfectly acceptable for a spouse to receive communion for her husband.

The two shall become as one.

Well, can't argue with the bible.

Oh, let's get a picture together.

I want to frame it with the magazine cover.

Yeah. Yeah, come on over here, Jeannie.

Actually, could it just be us two?

You know... the fathers.

Do you mind?

Perfect.

[beatboxing]

♪ ♪

Oh, that's a good one.

Wait, that's me on the left?

Yes, yes.

♪ ♪

Hi, Daniel.

Hi.

Hi, Daniel.

Hi. Hi.

Hi, children, hi.

I need to talk to you. It's important.

Oh, okay. Let me put the baby down.

Do you live here now? It's so crowded, I might not have noticed.

Oh, you seem upset.

What, did Yves Saint Laurent die?

Yes, Jim, seven years ago, thank you for reopening that wound.

No, I have horrible news.

You know I'm on the board of the 92nd Street Y, right?

That is horrible news.

No, we were at a meeting last night, and apparently they would like you, Jim Gaffigan, to give a talk on New York City parenting on Tuesday.

I guess Uma Thurman got some stupid movie or something.

Well, I'm sorry Uma got a job, and I'm flattered that they thought of me, but I still don't know why this is horrible news.

Because if the 92nd Street Y thinks that you are a good parent or in any way socially relevant, it means that the city is in cultural decline, and I might as well move to Omaha.

Well, let me know when you're leaving.

Actually I'm afraid of how Jeannie's gonna react to me getting any more praise for my parent article.

I don't know how to tell her.

Hey. What is going on?

Hey.

You know, um, Daniel has great news.

What?

You, Jeannie Gaffigan, have been invited to do a parent talk at the 92nd Street Y.

They want me?

Yes!

That... that is so flattering. I mean, I do.

I have so many ideas about creative parenting in the city.

But why were you upset? I don't get it.

Because I was pretending to make the surprise better.

You little sneak!

It was good.

How long have you known about this?

Not as long as you would think.

Oh, I should probably let them know that you are available.

You're gonna be great.

This is so amazing.

I mean, I feel like I finally have a voice.

You know what we should do? Use this as an opportunity to get your hair done and go to the spa and get you a brand-new outfit at Barney's.

Or Target.

Or Bergdorf's.

I think Target's pretty close to here.

[beatboxing]

Ah, my guest this evening is Jeannie Gaffigan.

[applause]

Jeannie Gaffigan is married to the comedian Jim Gaffigan.

[loud applause]

Now, I am only the mother of two children, but when I read that Time Out New York article, there was only one thing that I kept thinking.

Why isn't my husband, George, more like Jim Gaffigan?

He's so funny, such a hands-on dad, and so helpful.

Yeah. I mean, when you say helpful...

I want to hear more from you, Jenny.

I do want to show a clip where... from one of Jim's comedy specials... where he talks about how people react when he's out with his kids.

Can we roll it?

Oh.

Jim: The best is when I'm alone with my five kids and inevitably struggling, and some stranger will come up to me and go, "Looks like you got your hands full."

That's like going up to someone in a wheelchair, "Looks like you don't do a lot of dancing."

So hilarious.

[applause]

Oh, my gosh. So when Jim has his hands full, what are you doing?

What? No, normally I'm the one who has her hands full.

And, you know, sometimes I feel like it's actually harder when the... do you find this?

It's harder when the two of us are together.

Like, one time Jim went to go get a hotdog, and I thought he had our two-year-old with him, and when he came back, he thought I had him.

So you weren't watching your child?

No. No, I mean, yes.

No. No, we found him right away.

It was just scary for a minute.

No. I'm sure.

God, poor Jim, you know?

But... but that's the genius of Jim Gaffigan, you know?

He can take something like you almost losing the baby and use it as inspiration, you know?

It helps his other observations. In fact, we have a great clip for this.

Um, Jeff, can you... can you run tape?

Another clip?

Jim: 'Cause once you lose a kid at the mall, you know, atheist or not, you start talking to God right away.

"Hey, God, I know I haven't talked to you in a while, probably since finals in high school. Anyway, if you could help me find my son, I promise I'll change my life. I'll stop going to Wendy's. Oh, there he is. Never mind, God. Well, we're off to Wendy's."

♪ Do do do do do do ♪

[applause]

That was genius, right?

Taking a near tragedy and turning it into comedy.

Okay, so I want to ask you something based on the Superdad article, and I think I can ask this for everybody in the audience.

How did you snag Jim Gaffigan?

You know, I-I think that we should be careful about believing everything we read, you know?

I mean, Jim is... he's just like any other father.

They help out once or twice, and people think they deserve the Nobel Peace Prize, right?

What, so he doesn't help out that much?

To be perfectly honest, no, Ally, not that much.

He... ah...

Well, I'm sure he helps out more than you're insinuating.

I mean, look at you.

No mother of five looks like this.

Impeccably dressed, perfectly manicured nails, your hair done.

I mean, you have to get a lot of assistance from a spouse to have that going on.

I was being ironic.

Oh, thank God.

No, yeah.

No, Jim helps out quite a bit.

Um... just recently he took the garbage out in his underwear.

Ally: Oh, God, I would love to see George do that.

Right? And...

Yeah. he takes the kids out on outings all the time to restaurants.

Um...

He helps out with naps.

All: Oh!

Oh, my God. Please don't tell my husband, but I love Jim Gaffigan. I do. I love him.

[beatboxing]

man: Winds up for the pitch, just slightly outside of the plate, and the batter had a good eye on that one.

Hello?

Hey, it's me.

What's going on?

Oh, nothing.

I see that Louis C.K.'s got some kind of stock show on CNBC.

You know that's Jim Cramer, right?

Oh, yeah. No, I knew that.

Hey, look, um, I'm kind of feeling a little weird about the other day.

Which part? When you said my act was bland, or when you called my life a car wreck?

Hey, listen, man, I'm not jealous of you, okay?

And... and... and I don't want your life, but... eh...

Hey, Ma! More salsa!

Well, thanks for clarifying that.

Okay, fine. Fine. I might... I might be a little bit jealous, okay, but of the magazine cover.

I'm not jealous of your life or your eating disorder.

I most certainly am not jealous of your act.

Is this your apology?

Hey, man, you were rude to me first, and I-I'm always the one sticking up for you when people call you a fat, bald loser.

C-can you stop apologizing?

It's hurting my feelings.

Okay, look, I'm sorry, all right?

I can't help it, man. It's... you know, it's what I do.

Jim: You know what? You're right.

We do the comedy we do. It's just who we are.

Let's leave it at that.

That's kind of a great point, you know? You're smarter than you look.

Well, you'd have to be.

I'm feeling better. We cool?

Totally.

All right, look, I-I-I got to go.

The commercial break is over.

All right, take care, buddy.

both: Hack.

[beatboxing]

Jim: Jeannie, is that you?

Yeah, I'm home.

Aw, Jim, that's so sweet.

What is?

The flowers.

Yeah.

It was really nice of Ally to send them even though I couldn't make it.

How'd it go?

It was fantastic!

That's great, hon.

Hey, can you get me another beer?

Did Blanca leave?

I think so.

I've been watching the game all night.

It's been going extra innings.

Ah, you said you ordered Bugles, but I couldn't find any.

Would have been great for the game. No guilt trip.

Don't worry about it.

[Psycho music playing]

♪ ♪

_

Ahh!

Did you find the Bugles?

[Jeannie continues screaming]

[Footsteps approaching]

What was that noise?

What noise?

Oh, the magazine.

Oh, honey, well the kids must've gotten to it, little devils.

Ah, that's okay. No biggie.

You don't care?

No. They sent over a couple other dozen copies.

Here, I was thinking that we could just send a bunch to Milwaukee, like, for Malu and your mom.

I know. It's the magazine cover.

I... I know that I've been getting too much credit when you deserve it.

That's why I was so excited you could speak at the 92nd Street Y.

I didn't speak at the 92nd Street Y, honey.

People don't want to know what I think. You know why?

I'm not on the cover of a magazine.

You deserve to be on the cover of a magazine.

I don't want to be on the cover of a magazine.

A magazine cover isn't real.

Being a mom... that's real.

I don't want to be the one in the spotlight.

That audience, Jim, tonight, they turned on me.

Oh, no.

It was awful.

I feel like I'm finally understanding how hard it must be to be you, to get up on that stage every night in front of a crowd of people knowing that you could fail.

Mm-hmm.

No wonder you eat so much.

I don't eat that much.

I don't need the approval of a room full of strangers.

It is pretty weird, isn't it?

It is.

The need for it almost seems to stem from a deep psychological problem, maybe some sort of childhood trauma?

Okay, now you're just piling on.

Being the center of attention just opens you up for so much criticism and jealousy.

Yeah. Dave really did give me a hard time.

I like being in the background.

It really is a powerful position.

Well, I, for one, am terrified of you.

Good.

I'm sorry I put you through all this.

What?

I know I'm a fraud.

I'm no Superdad.

Jim, you have five kids.

That automatically makes you Superdad.

You think so?

Yes.

Oh.

[baby crying]

Oye.

No, no, no.

What?

Let Superdad handle this.

Oh, my hero.

Duty calls, Lois.

[R.E.M.'s "Superman" playing]

♪ ♪

boy: Mama!

Jim: They only want you.

♪ I am Superman ♪
♪ And I know what's happening ♪
♪ I am Superman ♪
♪ And I can do anything ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Jeannie!

[sirens blaring]

♪ And I can do anything ♪