02x03 - M.V.P.

[bunniefuu]

Every event we attend, we build favor equity with Flaherty.

His reach is far beyond basketball.

We want to tap into that reach.

God has done you, Cam, and me pretty good.

What we do with the rest is up to us.

I'm sorry. You gonna do something?

Oh, I'll do something.

I'm saying don't sit here and talk about doing something.

Step the f*ck up and...

Cassie: Oh, my God!

Can I just say right out, I am not gonna press charges.

This is not up to you, Mr. Calloway. This is a criminal matter.

Well, if the people will forego prosecution...

I'd insist on therapy and community service for Mary Charles even if they did start the conversation.

♪ Hot cocoa ♪
♪ I'm in love with the hot cocoa ♪♪

Hey, Uncle J, can you drop me off at work?

I gotta do highway trash pickup for my community service.

Hmm, if the judge called you down, that ain't work.

That's mobile jail.

You need a ride to jail?

Yes.

[laughs]

[clapping]

Mmm! Mmm!

It is cheat-on-my-diet day. Here we go.

Let the vittle violations begin, little brother.

Hot chocolate with caramel ready.

I fasted yesterday so I could fit in 10 pieces of Mom's French toast.

You know, if you did a colonic, you could get three more.

Mmm, but I still gotta go to practice, though.

Look, Cam, this maple syrup right here, I dug deep, deep, deep down in the New Hampshire woods for this.

You might be the only n*gro to ever put his lips on this.

I'm telling you that right now.

Hey, I did some cheat day preparation as well.

Ain't a n*gro I know who don't like Circus Peanuts.

You need to meet some new Negroes.

Chuck, you the best, baby.

I know.

Circus Peanuts? Man, this Cam's cheat-on-his-diet day.

Not Wilt Chamberlain's stick- his-d*ck-in-everybody day.

Okay, I love both gifts.

I love you both. Thank you.

Mine more.

Well, let's get into the Peanuts 'cause I'm sick of waiting on your mama to make breakfast.

Cam: Nah, f*ck this. Let's wake her up.

No, she was out late with that Blair guy from the Portland game.

What does Blair do anyway?

No idea. Me neither.

[loud moaning, thumping]

This is my cheat day. Let's wake Mom up.

Cassie: You crazy m*therf*cker! Yes!

I think she might already be up.

Cassie: My shoe! f*ck that shoe.

Oh, my God! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Oooh! Oooh! Oh, yeah! Oh!

What the hell is that?

[moaning and thumping continue]

That is the sound of Blair f*cking our mother.

This m*therf*cker.

Hence the coinage of the term.

Last night was they first date.

Blair: Whoo! Whoo!

And it sound like it's going pretty good.

You know, who would have thought that when Ma was choosing her room, we'd be standing here sipping hot cocoa, listening to the sounds of her coming?

I'm gonna throw up.

You was asking what Blair do.

The answer... it's your mother.

[Groans]

Okay, you know what? Take me to mobile jail right now.

[music playing]

[engine starts]

Oh. Wait, wait, wait, baby.

Wait. I am so sorry.

I'm sorry, baby. I overslept.

Why don't you be a little late for practice? You know you're the star.

Team lost five of six games that I missed after M-Chuck gouged my eye.

Oh, baby, get out of the past, okay?

We're in the happy present.

You know, you can be a little late for my French toast.

I'm on good behavior, Ma. All day, every day.

Morning, Cam.

Morning to you.

Need me to move my car?

No, uh, I think I can get past it.

Blair: Nice house. Whoo!

Thanks.

Those wood floors in your mother's bedroom, is that Pergo?

Would you be so kind and brew us some coffee, please?

Can do if you handle the cream and the sugar.

[laughs]

He's nice, right?

Oh, yeah, he's nice.

You might want to tell him that people are tucking their shirts in again.

Well, we're gonna go to Farmer's Market later.

I'm gonna pull some sausages and some fresh peppers and some hoagie rolls.

I know you like it, right?

And I'm gonna cook it all up for dinner. Cool?

I mean, we can eat before 8:00.

Done.

All right.

Uh, baby, I wanted to tell you I went to see my doctor.

And I'm, um... well, it's not fun, but I'm gonna need a procedure.

What? What kind of procedure?

Just lady stuff, you know?

You don't even want to know the details and I don't want to get into it.

But I'm just a little worried about the doctor bills and the overages that our insurance won't pay for.

Yeah, Ma, whatever you need.

Of course. Don't sweat that.

You... you all right, though, right?

Yes, baby. I'm gonna be fine.

It's not a big deal. Don't you worry about me, okay?

Okay. Look, Cam, you know I'm always good, right?

Mommy's gonna get much better. You don't worry about me.

I'm just really appreciative to have a son like you to help me.

All right? So go ahead. Practice real hard.

All right.

You do what you do, baby.

I appreciate you.

You gonna put your head through that wall?

[laughs]

I, uh, I'm just trying to restart my brain.

Been chasing around the wrong fool.

This your spillage?

No.

If the average woman saw the average men's room, none of us would be allowed to wear shoes indoors again.

Yeah, I hear you.

How hard is it to deposit urine in a structure expressly designed to capture it?

For f*ck's sake, I could pee an apple off your head without getting a drop on you.

I'm gonna say that I believe you and that I don't need any proof.

Why can't people just stand still, lean forward, and wait till the piss is out of them?

[grunts]

[flushes]

Honestly, I'd rather see piles of sh*t on the floor.

At least then I'd know it was intentional.

[chuckles] Hey, listen.

Thank you for letting me take that guy on a tour of the locker room.

Big waste of time, but, you know, you live and you learn.

Don't sweat Jeff from Burger King.

He's a rite of passage around here.

Says he can deliver the world, but really all he wants is free gum and socks.

His business card says sports marketing.

Every assh*le that gives you a business card is the wrong assh*le.

So how do I meet the right assh*le?

Get your name on their call sheet and then don't f*ck it up.

You're gonna meet my money manager.

His name is Ira Irwin.

Um, okay.

But, Jimmy, Cam and I, we already got a money manager.

Ira Irwin doesn't manage money.

Why you call him a money manager?

Because he's offended by greedy Jew.

And rightly so.

I'll set it up. No drips.

Thank you, Jimmy.

What the hell are you doing?

Mom's got cancer.

What? What kind?

I don't know what kind. The kind that kills people.

Of course she would tell you first. You're her favorite.

She didn't tell me. I mean, I think she has cancer.

You think she has cancer?

She told me without telling me.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Mom knows I hate hospitals. She's probably just trying to protect me even though she's scared that our insurance is not gonna cover it all.

f*cking Reggie. I knew that he would get that lowball sh*t insurance.

I swear, I think he wants us all to vanish.

I don't want Mom to die.

Look, if she didn't give you any details, she's gotta have good cancer.

There is no good cancer.

What the f*ck you think non-Hodgkin's is?

Non-Hodgkin's is bad.

People hit me up on Twitter every day for non-Hodgkin's. It's decimating people.

Non-Hodgkin's means non-horrible.

Basically broken arm non-cancer.

I don't think that's right. I think you're getting confused by the "non."

No, non-Hodgkin's is the kind that gets you GoFundMe money and everybody's sympathy, but you're still alive at the end and rich.

That's good cancer. Now drive off.

No, Mom's gotta have a bad cancer.

We lived under that transformer for years.

You know, she probably doesn't want to tell us the truth because she knows that we're gonna get cancer, too.

We're all f*cked.

Hey, hey, hey!

We do a ton of cardio. Nobody's getting cancer.

I don't even think Mom has cancer.

If she did, she wouldn't be so vague.

She'd be milking you for all you're worth.

You know that. Requesting, complaining, bitching, moaning.

Basically if Mom had cancer, she'd be a cancer.

Well, just call her, will you?

She said it's some lady stuff.

She's not gonna tell anyone the truth but a lady.

Kind of love that you just called me a lady.

Hey, so why you think Jimmy Flaherty wants me and you to connect?

He told me you were a money manager.

That fat, potato-headed, Irish drunk.

You ever play Mermaid Island?

No, I have not.

Played it last Thanksgiving with my niece.

I've been fascinated ever since.

To win, you got to get these three mermaids over to Mermaid Island before the sea witch arrives and builds condos.

I'll start.

Two.

One, two.

Jimmy knows I don't manage money. He's a f*cking mick.

I think he was just joking.

That's the problem with the Irish.

They're either always joking or they're always serious.

And if they're doing both at the same time, they never give you any clues that they're doing it.

So it's very hard to follow.

I don't manage money.

I try and find opportunities for my friends to enjoy their lives.

By making them money.

By making them happy.

Knowing that their money is busting its ass growing and expanding and learning and sharing.

Money is a ridiculous concept.

I mean, I give you a green piece of paper, you're gonna give me a steak?

That's a weird trade. Your spin.

Money is a lubricant. Yes or no?

Yes.

You want a steak, I want a house.

I can't trade my steak for a steak-sized piece of your house, so we use money as a lubricant to get what we want.

Which is to get off, right?

Right.

I help people's money get off.

I am the mucus of capitalism.

Not the snot, the mucus.

Mucus is a facilitator for copulation.

I mean, you can do it without mucus, but mucus helps make it more fun.

Almond?

Sea witch. Bummer. Your turn.

Just real quick. See, I represent Cam Calloway and he may be a pro basketball player, but we want him to be more than just a basketball player.

We want his money to get off.

Want to get it up in that mucus stuff.

Terrific. Now, you spin a two, you can get the pink mermaid across Rainbow Bridge.

Now, there's no pressure. I mean, it's just a little girl's game.

But there's a one in three chance that you can do that.

To me, hey, 33%, I think that's good odds.

See, most people think that capitalism is like chess.

It's a zero-sum game. You win, I lose.

I don't. True capitalism is a collective endeavor.

It's Mermaid Island. You get off and I get off.

Why'd you pocket the almonds?

Your fingernails. They're dirty.

Oh, you're correct.

My apologies. I've been messing around with soil.

Lately the question I've been asking everybody who sits on that floor, what kind of mermaid are you?

You the kind of mermaid that's gonna help the other mermaids get back to Mermaid Island?

Well, I'm just learning the game, but, uh, yeah.

I think I got the makings of being a resourceful mermaid.

Remember the point of Mermaid Island.

Nobody wins unless everybody wins.

Of course the definition of everybody is a select group of people that guys like me pick.

And how do you decide who you pick?

You ever read Jonathan Livingston Seagull?

No.

Have some almonds. Have a book.

Give 'em a taste. Give it a read.

When are you and Reggie gonna start your new Vaughn generation?

I'm ready to be a auntie.

Uh, one of these days.

Hopefully.

That was a non-answer answer.

Come on, get to it. I want a baby around here.

Yeah, I guess I just worry that I won't be very good at it.

Oh, child, you'll be fine. You love telling people when they're wrong.

M-Chuck, how was highway detail?

Wonderful. Made some great new friends.

Can't wait to do it again. Listen, stay off the highways.

Apparently there's a lot of white girls drinking and driving.

You know what? I can't wait till you find a corpse.

Some parent out there will always remember that you solved the cold case and gave them closure.

That's the Lord's work, Mary Charles.

So Cam came to visit me, said you need money for lady stuff.

You're getting your titties done, aren't you?

I ain't getting no fake titties.

Hey, I'm not judging. I want to help.

I've more titties in my mouth than you.

Well, I ain't had no titties in my mouth, including my f*cked-up mother's.

I don't need to upgrade, okay?

My titties are top-shelf.

I agree.

Thank you, Missy.

You're getting ass implants.

I am not getting anything implanted, okay?

Well, Cam thinks that you have cancer.

What? I ain't got no cancer.

At least that I know about.

Okay, so what lady stuff needs work, Ma?

Because Cam is worried.

I'm getting my pocketbook tweaked.

Get the f*ck out.

Cassie.

Excuse me. Language, please.

Okay, bitch? We in public.

Ma, you just said f*ck, bitch, ass, titties...

Because that's my language, okay? Those are nouns.

I wish my mother and I were this close.

Ma, what is wrong with your p*ssy?

That's for me to know and for you not to find out.

I'm just saying, I could take a look.

I know p*ssy better than you know p*ssy.

I'll tell you if there's something wrong with it.

My doctor looked at it and up in it.

And those are two places that you are not invited. And you either.

I wasn't...

Your hair says otherwise.

Look, fine. Just call Cam and tell him that you do not have cancer.

He is freaked out. He thinks that you're dying.

Ain't I, though? Aren't we all, Ming-Li?

That's why you gotta live for now. Live for today.

Live your lives to the fullest like it's your last g*dd*mn breath.

If you're gonna make something right, make the sh*t right.

That is a beautiful perspective.

Motherhood gives you that perspective.

After being in labor in a bad hospital giving birth to kids f*cking your p*ssy up.

Oh, my God, stop it, Ma. I was a preemie.

Guaranteed my daddy's d*ck was bigger going in than I was coming out.

Your father is not the topic. Not now, not ever.

Child birth messes your stuff up, like, permanently?

Not anymore. No, no, no.

You know, when life fucks up your coochie, medicine has a way of rebuilding it.

I'm gonna have a bionic p*ssy.

[laughs] Oh, my God.

Cam's gonna pay for it anyway.

I mean, he's half the reason why my sh*t is f*cked up.

And you're the other half.

You're right, Mom.

Yep, it's time for me to put in my insurance claim for my vaginal rejuvenation.

You break it, you buy it.

What the hell is vaginal rejuvenation?

When you shrink-wrap the p*ssy.

I'm gonna puke.

Why'd you Google that?

I want to know what I'm paying for.

You're paying for your mother to get a smaller, tighter unit.

Right now she's got a multiroom unit.

She's at the age where women want to downsize.

You know, Ma really wants this. Just let her do it.

[sighs] How does it work?

I have no idea.

This is supposed to be your area of expertise.

I eat p*ssy, I don't fix it.

I didn't know fixing was a thing.

Look, Ma said she found a really great doctor.

Yeah, I heard he was the Picasso of p*ssy.

That's what I heard.

Picasso is whack.

He painted noses and ears and dicks coming out out chins and sh*t.

Imagine if Ma ended up with her clit right in the middle of her forehead.

Instead of a cyclops, a clitclops.

[both laughing]

[mock laughing]

This is our mother's vag*na that we're talking about.

Yeah, the new one.

The old one's about to be put down.

[laughing]

Rest in peace to Cassie's p*ssy.

Look, I'm sure Ma's got a good doctor. The best.

It don't matter. Surgery is no joke, okay?

It don't matter how rich you are.

Kanye's mom, Joan Rivers, they both d*ed during surgery.

Yo, Ma never wanted this before.

And then now, after one night with Blair, she's going to this drastic place.

Who is this Blair dude anyways?

A car dealer who don't like your mother's p*ssy.

I'm about to f*ck him up for making Ma feel like her p*ssy's handicapped.

Okay, okay, nobody can persuade Ma to do anything she don't want to do.

She ain't doing this.

Oh, my God.

Man, get that thing out of my face.

All right?

First glance at side effects: bad.

Second glance: horrible.

We got to expose this stuff to her.

Yeah, we the family expose nothing. We keep this private.

If this operation could backfire, it is our job to tell Ma.

We need to have a family discussion.

A man's gotta step up and lead one.

I'm not about to tell my sister what to do with her p*ssy.

That's not a hill I wanna down.

Agreed.

No one should tell any woman what to do with her vag, especially the woman whose vag*na he came out of.

I'm not telling her what to do.

I'm just telling her what maybe she should not do.

What's the difference?

I don't ask y'all for much, okay, but when I bring Mom here and sit her down, I expect you both to have my back.

How did I get here?

You look so sexy when you read books.

And sexy to you must be when I look confused and frustrated, because that is what I am right now.

I just took a shower and put on some of that lotion you like.

I don't like this book.

Do you have to?

Uh... it was given to me to read by a rich guy, beyond rich.

There is a reason that he's rich.

Just trying to figure out if that book is the reason.

Let's do what we like to do instead of talking about what you don't.

Baby, page 33, all I got is a seagull with no friends.

I don't even understand what seagulls gotta do with business.

So, say so when you see him again.

To admit that I don't understand, that'd be a weakness.

And then he doesn't really even listen to me when I talk.

Why do you care about this man's opinion?

[sighs]

I want to be one of his mermaids.

You just smoke some weed?

No.

But maybe if I did, the book would make sense.

It was written in the '70s. Writer must have been high.

Reggie Vaughn, you are so cute when you are trying to solve puzzles.

Stop trying to solve the puzzle.

Just be you.

Missy, this book is some kind of test.

And you don't have to have the same answers as everyone else.

Just slow down.

Remember the first time you tried an oyster sh**t?

[chuckles] Yeah.

Gulped it down, gagged.

Second time?

Chewed slow.

Savored it.

And?

Best thing I ever ate.

Second-best thing.

We're going full reciprocity tonight, right?

You do your job, and let me do mine.

All right.

Mm.

I'm not sitting here listening to this. I'm your mother.

Cam: Who's about to have a serious operation.

Side effects include scarring.

Bleeding and numbness.

That right there.

Nerve damage.

Rectal damage.

That right there. He wrote that.

Look, this is vaginal prolapse.

Julius: Mm!

We don't even know what vaginal prolapse is, but that's how serious this is, Ma. This is very serious.

That's when your vag done ran too many laps.

Y'all need to dead this sh*t and dead it right now.

Got the sausage and peppers on the grill. Anybody need a drink?

Oh, Jack and Coke for me.

I'll have a Chardonnay, please.

Do we have any grain alcohol?

I'll check. Cam?

I'm good.

I'll be with you in a minute, Blair. Thank you, baby.

Damn, I thought Gary Coleman was dead.

Ma, if Blair's making you feel bad about things that you shouldn't feel bad about, then Blair's not the guy for you.

Blair ain't said nothing and I ain't tell him nothing.

This is about me, not him.

Is this about you finding things that we never paid attention to?

Never even cared about when we were poor?

You don't have to alter the way God made you to please Blair.

Did you hear what I just said or do you need a eardrum rejuvenation?

Please leave Blair out of this.

Why don't we make sure that Blair's left out of this?

We're gonna go and do that.

Yes, please.

Excuse me.

Hey, I didn't wanna be here.

I... I just did it 'cause I didn't want to lose my job.

I don't want you to get hurt.

I'm already hurt.

Ma, I'm sorry, but I'm trying to step up and be a man.

Nobody asked you to be a man.

I asked you to be a son, a son who understands that when he was born, I was still a girl.

I've hardly even been with anybody else since you were born.

And you know what, m*therf*cker, that's a long time.

I appreciate how you...

I'm not asking you for your appreciation.

I'm asking you for some understanding.

Instead of making me feel like I'm some f*cking beggar coming to you trying to explain my uncomfortable, private f*cking matters.

Look, I was a mother before I ever even thought about being an adult woman.

And now I just want to have fun like any other mother would have the right to have.

When you say fun, are you... are you...

Yes, I'm talking about sex, Cam.

Yes, I'm talking about sex.

Last night when Blair and I...

Ma, please. I don't need no kind of details about that.

Are you sh1tting me?

Your monkey ass gonna sit here and embarrass me in front of my brother and your sister with all this f*cking intervention bullshit and now you don't want me to open my mouth and say one motherfuckin' g*dd*mn word?

Nah, nah, nah. sh*t don't work that way.

You're gonna sit there and you're gonna listen to every f*ckin' word I have to say.

After you and your sister was born, things changed down there and they never changed back.

Now, I know how it's supposed to feel down there, but it doesn't feel the same.

It's not 100%.

I'm in the prime of my f*cking life.

I've raised a son who I'm proud of, who's now living his life, running around doing his own thing.

And I want to do my own thing, too.

Listen, Cam, I'm not trying to be out there like that running around.

Okay?

Just every once in a while I just want to go out for a brisk jog.

And by brisk jog...

Yes, baby.

Mommy's talking about sex.

You see your hoodie right there?

Right now I'm like this.

After the operation, I'll be like this.

Yeah, that's pretty tight.

Yeah.

I got you, Ma. I'm... I'm sorry.

Can we please never talk about this again?

You started it.

Yes, I did.

Yeah, you did.

[sighs]

I need a f*ckin' drink.

Julius!

Julius: What?

[Cassie shouting]

Yo, is she all right?

She had open p*ssy surgery, not open heart.

[whispers] Hey, Ma.

Hey, how you doing?

[moans]

I'm high in the head.

But I'm really numb down south.

All right, let's... let's ease up on the questions.

I've had enough honesty for a while.

Be sensitive.

Get well.

That's my brother.

Hey, they didn't have any that said, "Happy New Cooch Day."

I know I'm supposed to be feeling bad right now, but them dr*gs they gave me was some k*ller sh*t.

I don't feel a g*dd*mn thing.

[groans]

Baby, can you do me a big favor?

Sure, anything.

Could you, um... could you tell me how it looks down there?

Oh!

This family's getting too close.

Sure, Ma. Just...

Is it good?

Looks good.

[Moans]

Actually, uh... looks great.

Yeah!

♪ I've got to tighten up my thang ♪
♪ I got the hoodoo that'll do you ♪
♪ I've got to tighten up my thang ♪
♪ Can't let you go ♪
♪ I've got to tighten up my thang ♪
♪ Got to pull it, baby ♪
♪ I've got to tighten up my thang ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ My love, my line got slack ♪
♪ Ha ♪
♪ The grip on my woman sure got weak ♪
♪ You're not the only guy in this world ♪
♪ Who can be my lover ♪
♪ 'Cause just like I found you, daddy ♪
♪ You know I can switch a little and find another ♪
♪ Now, can you stand the aftereffect? ♪
♪ Can you stand it? ♪

♪ And if you lose me, baby, will your life be wrecked? ♪
♪ What you gonna do? ♪
♪ I'm gonna tighten up my thang ♪
♪ Just a little more ♪
♪ Got to tighten up my thang ♪
♪ 'Cause I love you and I need you ♪♪