02x12 - Danny Castellano is my Personal Trainer

[bunniefuu]

Mindy: The best part of any new relationship is all the firsts... the first kiss...

Hey, sexy.

First overnight...

Why don't you get up on these satin sheets?

Oh... oh, God. Oh, God. Please...

Where you going?

Oh, God. Babe, babe, babe!

Yeah... oh!

Mindy: The first time you go through his medicine cabinet...

The first time you confront him about his prescriptions...

You're on Prozac?

I knew you were crazy.

This is Prilosec. It's for heartburn.

I don't have my glasses on, babe.

The first time you have a conversation about privacy and boundaries...

The first time you have make-up sex...

No more playing around.

You're gonna be sore tomorrow, baby.

Whoa! Satin!

Mindy: And the first time he wants to take you away on a romantic weekend getaway.

You know, I was thinking maybe we could go skiing in a couple weeks.

On online hookup sites, "skiing" is a code word for cocaine.

No, actual skiing... you know, kissing on the chairlift, drinks by the fire, then we make our way over to the hot tub?

A hot tub?

A hot tub... great. I get to wear a bikini... in January.

[Horror music]

Cut even-sized pieces, please. Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Dr. I spotted the coffee cake.

Get out of the way... we are bowling pins in her path.

What? I don't want coffee cake.

I'm still full from that chia seed I had last night.

Oh, no, I made an entire extra cake just for you, like you demand.

This beautiful and moist coffee cake?

All for me?

[Chuckles]

[Sniffs]

It smells good.

What am I doing? What am I doing?

Guys, over the holiday, I had five hams and a goose, like I am a wolf in a children's story.

And guess what.

Cliff's gonna have to see me in my bathing suit soon!

Just get one with a skirt, like the moms at the pool.

Come here.

What?

Oh, my...

Hey! Hey!

Was that necessary?

I'm not wearing a skirted bathing suit, like some woman that gave up on life!

Okay, relax.

Cliff hasn't seen you naked?

I thought he was getting up in them guts.

Oh, he is. U.T.I.-level getting up in them guts.

But he has never seen me naked.

Sex without nudity? That's the ultimate.

Tell me more.

All right, little weirdo.

Well, I have, over the years, devised a series of illusions and tricks so that my boyfriend never sees me naked when we're having sex.

I hide under the sheets, I pretend that I'm really into blindfolds, sometimes I hide in the shadows of candlelight and then I'm like, "boo!" Phantom of the Opera style.

God, I'm never gonna get into shape.

Just exercise and eat less.

Okay, serious suggestions only, please.

And don't tell me to get a personal trainer, 'cause I tried to do that on tinder, and no one took me seriously 'cause all my photos are of me eating meat pies.

Peter: Hey, girl, tinder's for dating and mating and gyrating.

It's not just for hooking up, you pervs.

It's also for finding cool people.

Yeah, Mindy, this is Rihanna.

Is it? Turn it sideways.

You took the picture of her album cover where it says "Rihanna" on it. It says "Rihanna."

We bear a passing resemblance.

Yeah, not even close.

Maybe black hair.

Can you heart it?

Whoops. Just accidentally x'd it.

Mindy: Damn it.

I'm on Timber.

That's an app for loggers looking for trouble.

Hey, Dr. L, if you're serious about getting in shape, I will train you for this amount of money.

$10?

The price I like. The trainer I'm dubious about.

No, no, I know a lot about fitness.

I was Mr. July in the men's prison calendar... just Uncle Sam hat, sparklers, and nothing else.

There you go. That's your guy right there.

Okay, that's compelling.

Let's do it.

Yes!

I will let you be my trainer on a trial basis for $5.

I will pay you later.

This is good. I already feel kind of confident.

Your hand's in the coffee cake.

Oh, God, get it off of me.

Guys, I can taste the cinnamon through my skin!

Take it out.

I don't want to.

[Sneezes]

You did not heed my simple requests regarding the communal food, and now I have taken sick and must take my ill days.

Oh, no, what's wrong? You have a yeast infection?

You realize that in my absence, this office will be without its active managing partner?

Unless one of you two would care to...

Not interested.

No, thanks.

Step in and help, no, okay.

Cool. So how does this work?

Managing an office isn't the same as judging a wing-eating competition at D-hole's bar and grill.

It requires gravitas.

No one is more gravitas than me.

I'm a born leader.

I was the president of my frat so many times they used to call me "FDR," as in, "fun dude."

I never did get the "R."

[Groans] Fine. I guess I have no choice.

Listen up.

Guy, relax. Email me this crap.

Okay? [Spits]

Everything is gonna be fine.

I'm cool...

Cool.

Calm...

Right.

Collected.

Of course.

I'm Barack Obama.

Right, you're not Barack Obama.

I'm Cory Booker.

You're Corey Feldman.

I'm Corey Haim.

He's dead.

I am sure you will do wonderfully.

Come on, engage your neck. It's all in the neck.

Come on, Dr. L. There you go.

Why is your crotch so warm on my knees?

I was, like, sick a few days ago.

Please stop talking about it.

Oh, God.

You've got this, Dr. L! Only 1,000 more.

What? How long have I been doing this?

Two minutes.

Hold on, did you factor in the time that it took me to pick out workout outfits?

No. No, I didn't, and, well, in that case, that's an hour.

All right, we did it.

Attaboy, champ.

No, Morgan, no!

Cool down.

This is what I was worried about.

It was so easy to con you just then.

Okay, you got to be tough on me.

I got it, I got it.

I will try to get out of everything!

I got it.

Okay.

You're going down.

Okay.

Come on!

[Groans]

You're disgusting!

Yes!

You make me sick!

Good one!

[Snorts, spits]

Ah! Oh!

Okay, you spat in my face.

I don't know what happened.

Mindy: You're fired!

What about cooldown?

You didn't even bring snacks. Get out.

It's the most important part of the workout, but...

Our talk was the cooldown.

Ah! See, I didn't stretch properly.

Betsy, I'm going to the gym.

Dr. P.

What up, dog?

Hey, Dr. R said you're in charge now.

Congratulations. That's fantastic.

Would it be okay if I took the L-shaped desk in phlebotomy?

Yeah. Take it. Knock yourself out.

Yes! You're the best. You're the best.

Congratulations again. Thank you.

♪ Best boss ever ♪

[knock at door] Dr. P.

What up, girl?

You told Morgan he could take the big desk in phlebotomy?

No. I told him he could take the L-shaped desk.

That is the big desk.

Oh. You could take it. I don't care.

Really?

Yeah.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

♪ My employees love my laissez-faire attitude ♪

Hey, um, there seems to be a little bit of confusion about who gets the L-shaped desk in phlebotomy that we discussed earlier.

Is this a joke?

No, we're dead-ass serious.

Okay, look, the former administration's nanny state and micro-managing is over.

You are free to decide this amongst yourselves.

I do not care, and I trust you.

For real?

Fo' real.

You gave the desk to me. It's mine.

I only gave it to you because I didn't know you had a boyfriend.

Oh. That sounds like a personal problem.

I'm sorry... [scoffs]

♪ Best boss ever ♪

Mindy: ... Help you with your prescriptions in the other department, and I'll see you really soon.

Thanks.

Whoa.

Ow!

You're bicep-strong.

How was your workout?

Great, unless you happen to be my old squat record that just got broken.

Okay. Hey, look...

One of the upsides to your rigid and disciplined lifestyle, which I detest, is that you have a great body.

I work with what I got.

Okay.

Well, I was wondering if you might consider training me.

Absolutely not.

Why not? You go to the gym every day anyway.

I'll just follow you and just do what you do...

Except I will not do squats. They are not ladylike.

And I will not do push-ups. They're too hard.

Why would I waste my time?

You don't take this stuff seriously.

I do take it seriously.

Look, Danny, Cliff is the first guy since Casey that I could see a real future with, you know?

And you only have one opportunity to make your first naked impression.

I don't want him to see my naked body and then decide he doesn't like me.

Guys don't care about this stuff as much as girls think they do.

That's a bunch of crap.

You all say that, and then you go out and date ass models.

I am sick of being the person with the good personality.

Okay, I want to be so hot that Cliff would date me even if I had a bad personality.

Okay, fine. Fine. I'll train you.

You will? Thank you.

But from this day forward, I own you.

I'm gonna make your life miserable, awful, you understand?

Yes, awful, like on Dancing with the Stars.

No, like a marine movie where a guy kills himself during basic.

[Spits]

[Sighs] Okay. No more spitting.

Whoa. Danny, this isn't a gym.

This is where a villain in a Batman movie goes to prepare his body.

It's old-school, right?

The place didn't even let women in until Manhattan went Tina Fey crazy in 2002.

Huh.

You ready or what?

Well, I don't know how I'm gonna lose ten pounds.

There's no ellipticals or TVs with Bravo on them.

Okay, no, this is a real gym, okay?

It's got everything you need... free weights, punching bags, steam room, fat guy with a mop.

Steam room.

Mm-hmm.

Now go change into your workout clothes. Let's go.

Uh, you're looking at my outfit.

These are performance rhinestones.

Performance what?

They won't fleck off if you sweat.

You trying to get me k*lled?

I'm not trying to get you k*lled.

Okay, go change into your workout clothes. Move it now.

And I am telling you that you are looking at them.

What the hell are those?

Uh, fatsteps ultrawide.

Chris Christie wears them on the campaign trail... our next president.

Good to know.

Okay, medical professionals.

If it's hot in the room that you're in and you find it to be uncomfortable, then you simply walk over to the window, which is this clear thing that's not a wall or a door, and then you open it.

Okay? You don't need my permission.

Well, Dr. Reed says we're not supposed to open that window.

Yeah, Dr. Reed thinks you're gonna fall out of this like a baby.

I, on the other hand, have faith, albeit dwindling, that you won't.

[Owl squawks]

Oh! Whoa!

Hey, Owly's back.

Owly. It's okay. He's my friend.

Hoo. Morgan.

You say, "hoo."

Morgan!

Okay, take care of this, please.

Well, I'm trying to, but he's not doing the bit.

Owly, it's Morgan Tookers.

Hoo. Morgan.

Tamra, can you please go to phlebotomy?

And in my top-left desk drawer, there's a dead mouse.

See how I go all the way down? Chest meet floor.

Nice to meet you, sorry I can't stay, but I'll be back, I promise.

Hey.

Hmm?

Now you.

Danny.

Yeah?

How old do you think this building is?

Stop changing the subject. Push-up time.

Floor meet chest. Chest, floor. Hi, bye, up.

Okay. Whew!

So, when you were a kid, did you used to take the bus to school?

No, I walked. My mom was a crossing guard.

Super embarrassing.

Okay, you're doing it again, you're changing the subject!

Come on, give me a push-up.

I can't!

Do it now!

Do not yell at me. I do not respond well to anger.

That's why I can't date any guy from Boston.

Damn it, how do I get through to someone whose only focus is red-carpet dresses and shows about celebrity murders?

You're describing the two most interesting things in the entire universe.

Okay, I got it, okay? Imagine this.

You're passed out on your bed in the Hollywood hills.

There's an earthquake, and Leonardo DiCaprio's green home has collapsed on him.

He needs you to save him. Push away the rubble!

I'm coming for you, Leo.

Push away the rubble!

You don't deserve to die.

Get it down! Get it down!

Ugh!

Good.

I did it! Danny, I did a push-up!

Good. Michael Fassbender's trapped in a well!

No!

Help him!

I'm coming for you, Fassy!

What do you see?

I see his beautiful face!

And what else?

His giant penis!

Come on, Anne Hathaway is trapped under a car.

You got to push her out. Come on, go.

[Grunts] I can't.

Great. Great.

Anne Hathaway's dead.

You k*lled a national treasure.

♪ Jump so high, high, she reached the sky ♪

I was gonna incorporate you into the song.

Five more!

I'm tired!

You suck! You suck, you maggot!

I was a little harsh with you, but I'm trying to... you want to be in shape, right?

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Yeah, uh-uh-uh.

Breathe, breathe. Naked, Cliff, naked, Cliff.

Beautiful.

You got this. Nice.

Keep going. Yes.

I can't, Danny.

Yeah, you got this, kid.

I can't do any more.

I'm just gonna get on to Scott Peterson's boat.

Okay, I didn't want to have to do this.

But here it goes.

You're at the Golden Globes, okay?

You just tripped and fell on the red carpet.

No!

Yes.

The whole world is watching. You're facedown.

Your dress is over your head.

Tobey Maguire is laughing at you.

What?

The whole world is watching.

What are you gonna do? You gonna sit there and cry?

Or are you gonna push yourself up and show them what best actress in a miniseries or motion picture made for television nominee Mindy Lahiri is made of?

What are you gonna do?

Agh!

[Gasps] Nice!

[Panting]

That was great.

Did I win?

No, you lost to Stockard Channing.

Ahh.

Hello, steam room.

I really earned you today.

Mindy!

Aah! Why are you naked?

Why are you in the girls' steam room?

It's co-ed!

Here, here. Fine. Take my towel.

That is so much worse!

Don't drop it on the floor.

Your genital sweat was on that!

Pick it up! It's my favorite towel.

Take it. Take your towel.

Mindy, I think we have a little problem.

Uh... oh, oh...

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

Why did you wear a watch to a steam room?

This is a $35 watch.

I'm not gonna leave it in the locker room.

Oh, God.

Just turn.

Just turn.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Mindy: Don't use me for leverage!

This is nothing! This is nothing!

Ow. Ow.

Ah, ah, ah...

Oh! Freedom!

Ah!

Oh! Oh! Ow!

You okay?

[Screams]

I fear that because you've seen me naked, I think it's just going to be not very professional at work and that you should quit.

Okay, it was all steamy. I barely saw anything.

Okay, I wouldn't notice you on a topless beach.

Really?

I promise.

Ugh, great.

Now, a bottomless beach... that's another story.

Oh, my God!

What, I'm joking. I wouldn't recognize you.

I mean, maybe a little bit, but... anyway, here's the point.

Look, if you're still worried about looking good for Cliff...

Yeah?

Let me give you a piece of a advice about your body based on my observations now that I... know things.

"Exqueeze" me?

First of all, it was traumatizing enough that you saw my naked body against my will, and now you want to give me notes?

Well, I have notes for you, my friend.

Your face, pretty good. Your torso, awesome.

Legs, stunning. Feet, disgusting.

That is too far, okay?

My toe...

Nurse.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

My toenails are fine.

Look, I'm just... you're the one concerned with your naked first impression.

I'm trying to help you.

You know how you can help me?

You can help me by forgetting you ever saw me naked.

All right? You will suppress this memory, the way that you suppressed the memory of your priest molesting you when you were an altar boy.

That never happened.

Perfect.

It never happened.

Morgan: Have you been to the beach in winter?

'Cause it's amazing. It's not crowded.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Dr. P, hey, uh, good news... the owl is out of the kitchen.

Wow. That's fantastic.

Hey. Tamra, you got the gloves I wanted.

Obama bump.

Boom.

Where do you want the rest of the boxes?

I'm sorry. The rest?

Yeah.

Tamra.

You ordered 1,000 boxes of gloves?

I asked for 1,000 gloves. You ordered I million gloves.

[Laughs] On the ride over here, we were joking about... with all this rubber, we thought it'd be a German social club.

Oh, you've got jokes.

All of a sudden you're the king of Queens?

Tamra: You know what?

I'm not finding this to be a very supportive work environment.

I'ma go clear my head.

Wait...

Dr. P...

Peter: More boxes! More gloves!

Morgan: Dr. P...

[Laughter]

Jeremy: Girls, is that the man with your cow costume?

Peter, Peter.

Don't look at these. Go away. Stop.

What are you doing here?

[Coughs] I'm so contagious.

You're not even "feved" up?

You're just sitting at home playing nookie hooky?

I need this, Peter. I need some me time.

Well, I'm sorry. It sucks for you.

I just figured out that managing blows and I'm no good at it.

Listen, Peter, managing turned me from an international lothario into a lard-filled food creature.

No. Did you gain any weight?

Not to mention the constant deluge of disrespect.

I do want to talk to you about Danny.

He's got a real attitude problem.

But that's the job.

There's no easy or fun way to do it where everybody likes you all the time.

But if you don't make them respect you, they will destroy you.

Remember that, Peter.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my nurses have a few more tests to run.

Gross.

I certainly hope so.

Yeah.

Hey, Betsy, I'm on a very private phone call for ten minutes don't interrupt me.

Oh, hello, Cliff. Won't you join me in the hot tub?

No problem. I'll just be in the nude.

Screw you, Danny. I look great.

[Owl chirps]

[Screams] Oh! Oh, God! Oh, God!

What's going on?

Whoa! Whoa!

The bird!

Waah! Aah!

Whoa! Ah! The bird!

Ah! Ah!

What the hell was that?

Close the door! Close the door! Close the door!

Not with you on the inside!

What do you want me to do?

Get out! Get out!

Do you want me out of the office or the building, in general?

'Cause I... you just got to be clear with me right now.

Get out of here and close the door... behind you.

Okay, I'm going. I'm not looking. I'm a gentleman.

I'm going.

Great. Thank you.

If I catch the bird, you want me to bring it back?

I'm going to k*ll you.

Okay.

Mindy.

Now that I've seen everything, I think there's a couple things you could work on I'd like to point out to you.

[Screams]

Okay, we'll talk later.

So I'm watching Sleepy Hollow, right? Ow.

And the guy... what's his name again? Ow.

You know, the main guy?

Mm-hmm.

Um, Frasier Crane? No. Ichabod Jones?

Tamra.

Anyway, he... can you please be cool and come back to work now?

Just...

Can you please be cool and apologize for yelling at me about those gloves?

You ordered a million gloves!

That's a mistake you should've caught.

This tack isn't working for me.

Continue, Tino.

Tino, do not continue.

Tamra, you get back to work now, or you don't come back to work at all.

Or what, you gonna take me down like that bag of chips?

I'm stress-eating!

[Chuckles] Now get back to work!

Just charge it to Shulman & Associates, Tino.

Thank you.

Tino, so help me God, you charge this to Shulman & Associates, I'll burn this whole place to the ground.

Peter, sorry to leave you so ill-prepared again.

I don't want to hear it, Mr. Bean.

Well, Mr. Bean doesn't talk, so, I mean, basil fawlty would make more sense.

Morgan: Dr. P...

I found Owly, and I wrapped him in a towely.

I think we should keep him. Wait, what are you... don't...

Dr. P, Dr. P, where you going?

No! [Owl chirps]

He's flying south!

You, call maintenance right now.

Tell them the heat needs to be fixed immediately.

Everybody, Dr. Reed has returned to be active manager!

Please give him a round of applause.

[Applause] Thank you. A round of applause.

Good. Now, if I hear of anybody disrespecting this kind, patient, smart, well-dressed, fit doctor...- Thanks.

I will Jim Henson you into apologizing.

Is that clear?

Yes, Dr. Prentice.

Yes, yes. Absolutely, yes.

Great.

Dr. P, you're a goon!

Y'all know the deal-y!

Everybody shut up!

She's right. Why is it all flaky?

Yeah, whoa!

Oh, hello.

What's going on?

Did you hear that sound?

I did.

That is the sound of a knock, Danny.

I know what it is.

That is what we do in civilized society when we want to enter a room.

Whoa, Mindy, is that you?

I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.

That's my hilarious line from wiener night.

Get an original zing for once in your li... did you write it down?

No.

Look, just because you have, like, 0% body fat and only eat three meals a day and barely ever snack doesn't mean that you have the right to tell me what's wrong with my body.

I am your personal trainer. Body by Dan.

More like body by fired, 'cause you're fired.

What?

Oh, yeah.

And for the record, there is nothing that you can criticize about this situation that I haven't already heard from every single mean girl for my entire life.

What situation?

I'm not... okay, fine. You're right. You're right.

I shouldn't have mentioned it.

I know that I could lose 15 pounds.

I know.

I don't have this perfect, skinny, hot body like all the girls that you date.

I know that one of my boobs is crazily bigger than the other one.

Don't look. I know that I have upper knee fat.

And I know that I have a scar on my back that looks like a swastika.

You don't think that's come up every single time I've dated a Jewish guy?

You have one?

A Jewish guy in my life, or...

No, a swastika.

Yes! The latter.

I didn't ever notice that.

Maybe you could get cataract surgery, old man.

My eyes are fi... look, okay.

I get it. You're self-conscious.

I understand, but you have no reason to be.

All I was gonna say is don't suck in your stomach so much.

It makes you... it makes you look nervous and, frankly, a little constipated.

And get a boob job.

No, that's not what I was gonna say.

And get rid of the cellulite on your legs.

No.

And have blue eyes.

I don't want that.

Oh.

You're a woman, and that's good. Look like a woman.

Okay.

That's my opinion as your trainer.

You're right. Thank you.

Okay.

Um, sorry I came in here a little hot.

That's okay.

I... I appreciate that.

And also, regarding...

[Clicks tongue]

No, no. No, no. Don't need any advice on that.

Okay, just grow it out. No one wants a nine-year-old.

I mean, if Cliff does, then he's got a serious problem. Get rid of him.

So you like it... lush?

Conversation's over. I don't...

You have very European tastes, Danny.

Okay.

For a man who hates Europe...

Bye-bye, got work to do.

Very '70s, Danny.

Okay, thank you.

Catch you on the flippy-flip.

What the hell is wrong with my feet?

You got to be kidding me.

Man: Go to bed.