02x13 - LA

[bunniefuu]

Cosmetic injectables enhance not only the haggard female face, but also, potentially, our revenue stream.

That's why I'm sending the three of you to Los Angeles to get certified.

Oh, yeah! It's gonna be Entourage, baby.

"Yo, bro! Yo, bro!" That's my Johnny "drama".

What's Entourage?

I know what it is. It's a...

Ship?

Hey, I mean this in a nice way, but please don't hang out with us when we're in L.A.

Thank you so much for sending us, Jeremy.

I'm incredibly prepared. I got a Brazilian bikini wax...

Right, no. I downloaded a couple star maps, so look out, George Hamilton.

I hope you like your trespassers completely hairless.

No, now I'm worried. Don't get distracted by L.A.'s notorious "hang loose," cowabunga atmosphere.

No one's getting distracted. Look at her L.A. dance.

No! It's not relevant. You can't...

Yo, bro, we're goin' to L.A.

It seems like a distraction.

Peter: What?

F.Y.I., I will be staying at the Y.M.C.A...

[Groans] 'Cause that's all I can afford on my budget.

Unless I could stay at your Bel Air hotel.

Could I post up with you? No.

I'm gonna stay at the Y.M.C.A., which is close to your hotel, so we can hang out. No, no, no.

Don't worry, Jeremy, I'm not leaving the conference, okay?

Thanks, man. L.A.'s the worst.

No decent pizza, no N.F.L. Team, no one reads.

Okay, Joan Didion, 'cause you've read, like, three airport dad novels?

Those are complex thrillers.

For your information, everybody reads in L.A.

They read scripts, baby bro.

How was that? Was that a good Johnny "drama"?

It's bad, but we'll work on it on the plane.

[Quirky dance music]

These are nice.

You know, so far, all you've packed are bikinis, a kabbalah bracelet, and Hawaiian slut tanning oil.

Do you really need to tan?

Babe, this is the palest I've ever been, I'm basically a white person.

Yesterday, I caught myself watching lacrosse, and I liked it.

Oh, oh, I forgot to tell you, I have to move out of my apartment.

What? Yeah, the historical society's turning my building into the Manhattan asbestos museum, [coughing] Which is crazy. Mm.

Well, this is kind of a crazy idea, but maybe you could move in with me.

Yeah. Oh, move in with you. Here? Wo... really?

Yeah, things are going so well between us.

You know, we're already sharing a toothbrush.

We are? No.

Well, yeah, no, that... that... That's... that's intriguing.

It's... that's a big deal, though. It's a big step, so you know.

Do people really do that this fast?

Well, when Casey and I were dating this long, we already were sharing a tent.

Casey. Ah, cool.

Yeah, I love hearing stories about your ex-fiancée.

Tell me more. How was the sex?

Okay, pal, don't make me write you a joke prescription for a chill pill.

I already wasted one on you for infinite cuteness.

All right, I see your point. Sorry.

I'll think about it, okay?

Peter: Love in the time of cholera?

Mindy, is there a sex scene in this, or what?

Oh, this is so exciting.

Los Angeles looks so cool, Dr. "C."

I don't know how we're gonna cram so many sights into one trip.

Eh, I think I'm just gonna hang around the conference.

There's a seminar on lip plumping that I'm really jazzed about.

Oh, yeah, that one's gonna rock. Right?

Wait a minute, you love old Hollywood: The brown derby, coconut grove.

Okay, look, I'm gonna be honest with you.

My dad lives out there, and I don't want to run into him.

[Babbling and moaning]

Oh, my God. Stop it.

[Moaning] Stop it.

Shh, stop. You're having a thing again.

What the hell, man?

I just... I have this irrational fear that I'm gonna run into him, and...

I'm gonna stick around the hotel, enjoy the amenities, and that's it.

Yeah, but we were gonna go... Morgan, drop it.

No, I can't! I was...

Stop, stop. Oh, God!

Just stop, stop, stop. Oh, God.

Oh, God, I can't...

Can I have animal crackers, please?

Animal crackers?

You don't get animal crackers on planes.

I have a... Where do you think you are?

[Hoof beats on video]

Danny.

Danny, I have to talk to you about something.

Wait a minute, is your phone on?

Turn it off, you're gonna crash the plane.

They just say that so the pilots can hog all the lnternet.

[Single keystroke] Listen, I asked cliff to move in with me, and he said he would "think about it."

Well, maybe he realizes how important of a thing it is.

By the way, you're supposed to be married when you move in with someone. What?

Oh, yeah, you're not catholic. What are you again?

Like, an ottoman?

I'm obviously pretty sure that I'm Hindu.

Oh, that's right, Hindu.

Look, all I'm saying is, you can't push a guy into settling down.

Okay?

I'm so sorry. You guys, it's so loud.

I'm sorry, everybody, you guys are being so loud.

Okay.

[Sheryl crow's all I wanna do]

♪ This ain't no disco ♪
♪ All I wanna do is have a little fun before I die ♪

Oh, my God, I love this!

Oh! [Spits and coughs]

Oh, God. What happened?

Someone just threw a cigarette butt in my mouth.

Ugh! That's illegal.

Doesn't matter. I'm in such a good mood.

Hey, dig in my pocket for a little bit.

I'm not gonna fall for that again, okay?

Last time I did that, you told me that there was a butterscotch in there, and I rooted around for...

Peter. Thank you. Wow.

[Gasps] Can I return it for cash?

It's not for you, Mindy, it's for Maria Menounos.

I was thinking about making a romantic gesture today.

Oh, my God, I thought that was just, like, a one-night stand, you know, so she could, like, hit rock bottom, and then take a good, hard look at her life?

The only rock bottom she's gonna hit is mine, later tonight.

Damn! You have a tight butt?

I got that rock-hard tush.

So you're, like, dating?

We have a connection.

But to be honest with you, I feel like I might be in love with her. Is that crazy?

It's not, you know?

Really?

Yeah, man, check out this beautiful place.

If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen here.

That's what they say about L.A.

If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.

Hey, I don't know what's going on, but my key card's not working.

Trying to get back in my room.

Gonna put my cologne in the safe.

I'm sorry, Dr. Castellano, it says you already checked out.

No, you should check again, 'cause I'm here another night.

Evelyn, I'm gonna handle this one.

Don't get mad at me, all right? Excuse me.

Okay. I checked you out of this hotel, and I moved most of your things to the tiny room I'm at at the Y.M.C.A.

What? Why would you do that?

You have been cooped up in your room all week like the girl from tangled.

This is our last night in Los Angeles, the city of "Angeles."

What's that mean?

Look, you've never taken a vacation anywhere cool.

Don't let your dad ruin your trip.

All right.

Yeah?

Okay, let's go. Yes.

Okay, stop holding my hand, okay?

I'm trying to protect you.

I don't need protection. Just stop.

Mindy: Peter, we are not cool enough to shop here.

Everyone here is, like, a minimum of two different races. I can't...

Peter: Hey, excuse me.

Do you have sneakers with naked women on them?

That entire wall.

But don't leave me... Hello, young man.

Do you carry fat steps cankle wranglers?

They're for the problematic foot.

Okay, you don't have to look at me like that.

Casey: Hey, Mike, it's cool. I know what she needs.

Men's size 9, double wide, with orthotics in the arch.

What's up, babe? Casey.

Gimme, gimme. Okay.

Hi! Hi.

Wow! So you work at a shoe store.

Like Al Bundy. That's pretty cool.

Uh, yeah, I mean, not exactly Al Bundy, although he is a hero of mine.

Oh, thanks, man. You get one for yourself?

Ye. Nice.

Um, I own the place.

What?

So wow. Sneaker company, huh? Mm-hmm.

That's cool. That's very quirky.

What's next? Are you gonna become, like, a chef, or do... oh, like, online comedy videos with your friends?

No, stop, stop, stop, stop. Okay.

Okay, that's the old Casey. I took your advice.

You said, "pick something and stick with it."

So I did, and guess what. I got a house on the beach now.

Wait. Wait, what?

Uh-huh. Seriously?

Yeah. Like with a mortgage?

Yup. It's insane.

The seals will swim up to my bedroom window and go, "hey, yo, Casey, it's time to wake up, dog.

[Laughs] Later."

Actually, it's more like... [Barking like a seal]

And it's really annoying. [Laughs]

Whatever, it's a beach house problem.

God, you even look taller.

I am taller. What?

I had an adult-onset growth spurt.

I... the doctor said it's rare, but I guess it can happen to people who are really happy.

You're really happy now.

I gotta say yeah, I am.

Well, I'm actually seeing somebody.

Okay, I had a bunch of after-you hookups myself.

I mean, a dangerous amount, so I should probably be more careful, get tested and stuff.

This is a real guy.

Oh. It's a real thing.

We're moving in together.

Really? The move in?

Oh, is it, um, the guy you work with?

Sort of handsome?

Morgan?

Are you insane?

[Laughs] You two... What is the matter with you?

What? No, he's a hot lawyer named cliff. Okay, I'm sorry.

Hot lawyer, cliff, I'm very excited for you.

Hey, what are you doing tonight?

Dope feet's throwing this, like, pool party.

We're launching a new line of shoes.

They're ugly, but on purpose. It's crazy.

You gotta roll through.

Wow, Hollywood pool party? Yeah.

That sounds fun. Yeah.

I shouldn't go, though. What?

I actually have to go over my notes from this really interesting course I took on vaginal rejuvenation for the obese.

Okay, that sounds horrible, but if you decide to change your mind, the password to get into the party is, "I think my friend's in there."

[Laughs]

[Cell phone chimes]

Getting your pre-baby body back is a nightmare for a lot of new moms.

We caught up with new mamacita Jamie-Lynn Sigler, who invited me to her home for about three weeks...

No, no, no, no. No, no, Peter.

And she told... Pat, is Maria Menounos here?

No, she's not, she's in Hawaii with her boyfriend.

Pat: We talked to Jamie-Lynn for about three hours about getting her body back, and you know...

Pat, I think there's been some kind of mistake, because we... me and Maria had, like, a little bit of a...

Do I come to your office and bother you?

What? No, I don't... No. We saw...

I work in New York. Ugh!

Oh, my God.

Pat, could you do me a favor and just give her this, please?

He's got a g*n!

I don't have a g*n! [People screaming]

I don't have a... Get on the ground!

Oh, my God! You're a mall cop!

You have no right!

All right, goin' down. Goin' down nice and slow.

Mindy: You know, Peter, I wasn't gonna go to Casey's party tonight, but if it'll cheer you up...

Thanks, min. This party is legit.

They have a pool, slider bar.

I've always wondered what it would be like to eat a hamburger while I was submerged in water.

You know what though? Check to make sure that it's a full toppings bar... [Phone line trilling]

And not just shred led. Mm-hmm.

I've been b*rned on that before.

Cliff: [On phone] Hey, Mindy.

Oh! Hey, cliff.

Hey! You wanna hear some great news?

My co-worker came out of the closet to his wife, and she kicked him out.

Oh, my God. Is he okay?

He's never been better, but get this.

She can't stand to live in their apartment anymore because of how all their memories are lies, so... The apartment's available.

Oh. Okay, cool, cool.

Um, now, is this, say...

Is this an apartment for two people?

Or is it for one person to live by himself?

I'm... I'm still thinking about that.

Yeah. I still think it's a good idea.

I just need to think about it some more, you know?

But... I'm thinking hard.

Hmm.

Hey, so how's L.A.? How's the 90210?

Did you get breast implants?

Nope, I still have my natural "Ds."

Ah. Oh, but something really crazy did happen.

When Peter and I were out shopping, guess who we ran into? Casey.

Isn't that so random?

Apparently, he started this shoe company called "dope feet."

[Muttering] "Dope feet."

Wait, what are you saying? Are you mumbling something?

No, no. What... no, go ahead.

You have nothing to worry about, sweetheart.

He's way too tan right now.

You know I like my men milky white.

All right, just... Humor me, okay, and don't have dinner with him or anything like that.

[Rock music playing]

We gotta go to this party.

♪

Mindy?

Dinner? No!

I would never go to a restaurant and have dinner with him.

Are you crazed?

Okay. Thanks.

'Kay. Bye.

Who did you just lie to? What?

I think I know someone in there.

[Giggles]

Peter: Oh, my God, this place was on entourage.

The guys came here...

Mindy and Peter: After "e" had that pregnancy scare.

Hey, there's Casey.

Hey. Hey.

He wants us to go over there. Let's go.

I... why don't we take a lap, you know?

Just... you hang out.

Hi. No, sorry.

I'm gonna get a drink first, you know, maybe get some sliders. [Chomping]

Yeah, okay. We'll catch you later.

Mindy, you're acting like a fun mom.

I'm gonna go skeez on some models.

Hey, Casey, what up, dude? Peter!

Morgan: And now, Dr. "C," the best part of the studio tour, old west town.

Hey, got something for ya. What?

I stole this off the Ted Turner at the wax museum.

Oh.

Ah, you look like a mogul.

Okay, thank you, Morgan. Yay.

That was really nice of you.

Oh, my God, Morgan, that is the whorehouse that John Wayne got kicked out of in Rooster Cogburn.

"Howdy, pilgrim."

Is that Obama?

No, it's John Wayne. "Howdy, pilgrim."

Oh, God, yeah. It's... it's really good.

Thanks, and you know what, this is a lot of fun.

Yes, good. You were right.

It's so much more fun than sitting in the hotel, hiding, avoiding my dad. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Mm-hmm.

Well, then you're gonna really love the next excursion we have planned.

Are we going to the Captain Phillips stunt show?

I'm telling you right now, if you think I'm gonna sit in the splash zone, you're dreaming.

[Laughs] You're dreaming.

Yeah, no, I called your dad, and we're gonna join him for dinner tomorrow.

You what?

I just don't get it, man. It's so insensitive.

How do you serve sliders to people like us, you know?

What do you mean, "people like us"?

If you take a normal hamburger, it looks like a tiny slider in our overweight, pudgy hands.

Okay, we're not the same. We're not the same.

I'm like... I'm like an anthill, and you're like a volcano.

[Text alert]

Kevin: Hey, man, let me tell you something, I think I was profiled with food.

Is that mold?

Could be mold. Bread's good though.

[Text alert]

Are you kidding me? I'm right... I'm, like, right here.

Sorry. Just talking to this weirdo.

Kevin: Oh, that is so hurtful, man, I'm...

Mindy: Shh! Eat your slider.

Why did you call my dad? How did you call my dad?

Well, I thought it'd be good for you, and I got his number from Richie, 'cause Richie and I are in an email chain.

We trade slow cooker recipes. He makes unbelievable carnitas.

Oh, Richie put you up to this?

[Beep]

It's old west.

Hey, Richie, it's your brother Dan.

Did you tell Morgan that I should be in touch with dad?

Danny: Did you put him up to that?

Where are you right now?

I'm in a nightclub.

It's a Taylor Lautner appreciation party.

Okay, look, here's the thing...

Danny, you gonna see him, or what?

Stop pushing it, Richie. Stop pushing it.

I don't care about dad. I don't want to see him.

I don't care about him. How many times I gotta tell you?

Danny, if you don't care so much, why are you letting it ruin your trip?

Okay, I think you need to refresh your inbox.

I'm having a great time. I just...

I just tried a B.L.T. With avocado.

He hated it, Richie, he started yelling about N.A.F.T.A.

Danny, you're in L.A.

If you don't do it now, you're never gonna do it.

Look, I gotta go. Ramon just swallowed a sparkler.

I love you.

Ri... Morgan: Okay, so it...

Sounds like someone owes someone an apology.

I'm not sure who, but we should just say it at the same time, that way, over. One, two, three...

I'm sorry. I'm mad at you.

One, two, three. I'm s-s-s...

I'm extremely mad at you.

Sorry. No.

I'm not sorry for anything, 'cause I didn't do anything wrong.

You should be sorry.

I'm extremely mad at you, Morgan!

Okay. Okay, I'm going home, I'm going back to the "Y."

Yeah, let's get outta here. No, no, no.

You're staying here.

I-I don't have any money.

I left my money in your underpants.

Find somewhere else to sleep.

Dr. "C," don't leave me in the old west!

[Sighs]

Quick draw inn?

5¢?

All right.

So what's the deal? You guys don't speak any English, or are you just ignoring me?

Nothing?

Hey, ladies, our friend, Jerry Ferrara, has a cabana right over there.

We have an array of fresh-squeezed mixers and a radish plate.

Great. Perfect.

I'm sorry, did you say Jerry Ferrara from entourage is here? Let me come to the cabana.

Yeah, I guess that'd be okay. I mean, if there's room once all the models have seats, all right?

[Text alert]

You know what, I'll be right there.

Give me two seconds, I just gotta deal with... Morgan!

Hey! Dr. "P.," hey! Yeah, I see you.

Hey. It's room 413.

[Sighs] How can I ever repay you?

Shut up! Get off of me!

Turtle awaits. All right, thank you.

Excuse me, are you on the list?

I literally just walked out of there.

Okay, gotcha, "P." Allow me.

Hello, we were both just in the party, and we would like to return.

I don't think so.

Okay. Think I know what she wants.

Oh, do you?

[Loose change falling]

Oh, my God. Damn it!

Morgan: [Groans]

Can I have a little help?

There's gotta be 17¢, 18¢ down here.

Could all be yours.

[Cell phone chimes]

Oh, come on, you've gotta be kidding me.

[Sighs]

Oh, this is nice.

Casey: Hey. I was waiting for a weirdo to jump in here so I could hop in.

Mm-hmm. You avoiding me tonight?

No, no! Not at all.

Okay, then why are you looking around like a nervous crazy person?

Well, 'cause... I-I am looking for a lifeguard.

Sure. 'Cause I'm all muscle and I don't float, so I'm worried for my safety.

Right, yeah, okay. Good call, good call.

Hey, sorry if I came off a little braggy earlier today.

I just... you know, I'm nervous to see you, and trust me, my beach house is not that cool.

I've had five cats get eaten by sharks already, and...

Oh, my God.

They're rescues.

Well, I have to admit, I was trying to impress you too.

Yeah?

My boyfriend cliff...

Isn't real. I know.

I figured that out a long time ago.

No, he's real. Cliff?

Yeah, he's real. That's his name?

Your name's Casey.

It's not like that's more probable.

Casey Jones is a famous person.

I don't know any famous "cliffs." Whatever.

No, it just... he's real, but we don't live together.

I asked him to move in with me, and he said he would think about it.

What? He hit you with the "I'll think about it," and you stood for that?

We were living together in a tent in Haiti, and we had been dating, what, three months?

Yes, that's what I told him.

I wouldn't worry about it, you know?

I figure, what's meant to be is meant to be.

Thanks.

That looks like your bathing suit.

[Laughs] It is.

What?

I thought we were about to have sex.

What?

Casey! Casey! I'm sorry.

What are you doing half... Put your bathing suit back on!

We're in public. Are you crazy?

I have a boyfriend. Well, then what are you doing getting half naked with me in the pool?

Oh, g... oh, God! Yeah.

Okay, my boob popped out. She's out.

Okay, that's neither here nor there.

It's there. It's... Thank you.

What did you think was gonna happen here?

I was getting a "hey, let's have sex in this pool right now" vibe from you.

God, take your bathing suit.

Okay.

Peter? Peter?

♪ Bom bom bom bom bom bom Right? We can joke like that, man, 'cause it's us and whatnot.

Hey, you looking for that dude you were with before?

'Cause I'm pretty sure he left.

What? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw him go. I remember one time, like, Matt Damon left me in the woods, Matt Damon the act...

[Phone line trilling]

Mindy: Hello? Just kidding!

It's a machine. Leave a message.

Danny: Hey, min, call me back.

I need your advice.

Okay.

[Sighs]

[Phone line trilling]

Allen: Hello?

Yeah, is this Allen Castellano?

Yeah, it is. Who's this?

It's your son, Danny.

[Sighs] God.

[Phone chimes]

[Phone ringing]

Hey.

Hey, sweetie, I know it's really late, but can we talk?

Yeah, sure.

If you're not ready to move in, I don't care.

Okay? You're a great guy.

Your skin is soft and tender like a veal.

I don't know, I don't want to mess things up, 'cause they're going so well, you know?

[Sighs]

Hello?

Was it weird that I called you a veal?

No, you know, I was actually gonna call you today.

[Chuckles]

I was gonna say, "what the hell?"

I care about you so much, and I miss you, and let's do this. Let's move in together.

Really? That's so great!

Mindy, Mindy, stop, stop.

I can't see you anymore.

Wait, what?

You promised me that you weren't gonna see him, and you did.

There are photographers at celebrity pool parties, Mindy.

Cliff, cliff, you don't understand.

Nothing happened!

I shouldn't have gone, but nothing happened.

I'm sorry, but I don't trust you.

I'm a divorce attorney. I watch marriages fall apart every single day, Mindy.

And where there's no trust, there's no relationship.

Cliff, what are you saying? You're completely overreacting!

We can either break up now, or we can do it three years from now.

I'm just doing us a favor.

No, cliff, wait.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, good-bye.

Wait! Wait!