02x21 - The Girl Next Door

[bunniefuu]

Mindy: Taking a break from dating is the best.

All the energy you once spent prepping and planning for dates can be put to better use, like pursuing old passions.

[Playing Gerry Rafferty's Baker Street]

After a while, you don't even miss having a boyfriend.

Except when you have elective surgery to unweb your toes and there's no one to take you home.

So there's no one to take you home?

My husband's waiting downstairs for me, so I guess you are wrong.

Ma'am, you're heavily medicated.

Duh. I know.

That's why my husband picks me up, takes me away.

Aw, don't you look nice?

[Police siren chirps]

Ma'am, step away from the couch.

Oh, it's you, officer handsome and mad.

I'm not drunk, officer.

I am under the influence of dr*gs, so the joke is on you this time.

All right, here we go. Ha ha ha ha.

Come on. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ah, ha ha ha ha ha. I'm taking you home.

Here we go.

Hoo hoo hoo.

Tell him. Tell him, little red child.

Tell that I'm on dr*gs.

Oh, my God! You're a k*ller!

I knew it, you're too handsome! You're like Ted Bundy!

I fixed your faucet, and your toilet was running.

And one of your electrical outlets is just a couple of sparking wires.

Thank you, thank you. That was... That was very nice of you.

One of the downsides of being on a guy-hiatus is that I don't have anyone to do household chores for me that I usually have a guy do.

You make men do your chores?

Look, I'm no feminist, but I've printed out enough Jezebel articles to give to my daughter to know that's not cool.

Well, there are certain things that a woman should never have to do, like fix a toilet or vote.

Well, I just know that I wouldn't want my Jenny waiting around for some guy to do something she could do herself.

Oh, before you leave, do you mind, officer, can you please just k*ll a spider that I trapped in that cup?

There's nothing under there.

[Gasps] Ah! It's in the cup!

Do you fix windows?

Hey, Jeremy, do you know any loose, funky-toothed British chicks?

Droves.

Okay, I don't know what that word means, but can you set me up with one of them?

I'm done with American chicks, man.

They're all boring, and they've all told each other about me online.

Ugh, fine.

Me and some of my Cambridge chums are playing celebrity tonight. Why don't you join?

I'm sick at celebrity. Who am I doing now?

[Gasps] Billie Jean King.

Exactly.

Office announcement, everybody. I have decided that I'm going to buy an apartment, and I'm meeting a real estate agent tomorrow.

Ugh, I'm so jealous.

I rent a bed in a hotel for sick women.

You know, I always thought I would just rent until I met my husband, and I would just move in with him, and then I'd be like, "honey, get this p*rn out of here.

Take these beer posters and put it all in the man cave."

Man's caves are for such.

That's why I get married, it's gonna be man house woman.

Okay. Well, I'm just sick of relying on a man to do something that I know I can do by myself.

I hear you, sister.

We women have to live life on our terms.

That's why I do my own dentist stuff.

[Clicks tongue]

You want me to go with you?

Did you not just hear me? I said I'm trying not to rely on men.

Oh, Morgan, when you finish darning my jeans, can you please get me a cup of tea with one ice cube in it?

Yes, my queen.

You know you're bad at negotiating.

Remember all that money you spent on that timeshare in Mexico?

Yes, and if I visit Cabo 80 times this year, it will have paid for itself. Okay.

Danny, I want to do something on my own.

You can, you just have me there to lean on if you need any help.

That's one of the perks of being friends with me, right?

Explain this to me, what is a condo?

I mean, I know what it is, but can you remind me?

A condominium?

That's what I thought. Okay.

I mean, that's what I knew. Yeah.

Jeremy: Okay, he's a television presenter from swansea.

His brother is a footballer for Manchester united.

I don't know any of these names. Are they all British?

Uh, Arthur Cranesfoot?

No! Come on. Anybody else?

Hey, only other American at the party, how are you doing this?

Do you not know Arthur Cranesfoot?

I'm just making up British names.

[Laughs]

Clemmy Wolfenswiggle!

No, stop pitching that, you idiot.

Uh, uh, tippy St. Claire?

Ah, good one. [Both laughing]

Please, Lauren, come on, help me out.

The raven of wogfire.

That's right!

It is? What?

You did it!

[Laughter] Yes! Yes!

So you know Jeremy?

Yeah, he's a great guy if you can get past the accent.

[Chuckles] You know.

[Imitating jeremy] It's really hard to listen to.

Jeremy, is that you? You got fat again.

[Both laughing]

You're kind of mean. [Laughs]

Oh, I'm sorry. [Laughs]

No, I like it. I like it.

This is weird. Would you want to have dinner with me tomorrow night?

Uh, yeah, okay.

Great. [Chuckles]

Hey, I'm gonna pop into the bedroom for a second.

I will be right back.

Yeah, yeah, no, no, pop, pop.

If you get lost, just make a right at the gangly British guy.

[Chuckles] Okay. [Chuckles]

Wait a minute. "Pop into the bedroom"?

What are you doing?

Is that a baby? Is that your baby?

Yeah, where's your shirt?

On my arm.

Did you think I wanted you to come in here to hook up?

No, I assumed, actually, that you had a baby in here.

So I took my shirt off so that you would feel comfortable if you had to take your shirt off to breastfeed.

That's all. [Chuckles]

You should put your shirt back on.

Yeah, yeah.

Mindy: Danny, this up and coming neighborhood is called little chernobyl.

Okay, you want to live in a ninth floor walk-up?

What happens if there's a fire?

Danny, you know my plan in an emergency is just to count to ten and wait for death's embrace.

This place is cool, alexei.

Has a lot of character.

What kind of character? The windows don't match.

They do match, Danny. They match my personality...

Funky eclectic.

Is there a kitchen?

Who needs kitchen?

You can't do take-out? You poor?

Yes, Danny. Are you poor?

No. I'm sorry.

You can't take this place, okay? It's way over your price range, and it's nowhere near our subway line.

So you'll get a new commute buddy, okay?

You can find plenty of people who will read your horoscope to you against your will.

I want to do something for myself.

Alexei, I'll take it.

Start up my mortgage... Documents.

No, you're not taking this dump, okay?

If you insist on buying a place, look at this.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. It's in Tribeca.

It's half the price of this place.

It's great, Danny.

Why didn't you tell me about it earlier?

Well, there's a catch. The apartment's in my building.

There's another catch. I own the apartment.

Hmm.

This place has been professionally staged.

Oh, my God. Yeah.

Danny, this is incredible.

Thank you. Hold on.

Hold on a second.

How can you afford to have two apartments?

Oh, I know, did you buy them for, like, a thousand bucks in the '60s when Lindsay was mayor?

I was one years old when Lindsay was in office.

So you admit that you were alive, you old crone.

I got it as an investment after I went to this Suze Orman seminar about divorce, called "get over him and get rich, girlfriend."

Guys were there too.

Really? Yeah.

I love it, but don't you think it'd be, like, a little weird with me living down the hallway, given what happened?

I mean, I don't know, it doesn't have to be weird, because we're friends now, right?

Yeah, we're friends.

Tell you what, here's what we do, stay here a couple nights, make yourself at home.

See how you like it. If you like it, you buy it.

Okay.

Great, welcome to the neighborhood, neighbor.

Thank you. It'll be like Dennis the menace and Mr. Wilson, except the only time I wear overalls is when I'm on my period.

You are a gynecologist, Danny. I menstruate.

So I hear you're going out with my chum Lauren tonight.

Lucky you.

More like lucky her.

She's the mother of a child. I don't roll g-rated.

I'm hard "R," son. I'm not going.

Wait, you're not going? Then I'll go.

Unless you told her you were gonna pay for dinner.

Lauren's a total catch. She's a brain surgeon.

Brain surgeon? Nope, definitely not going.

Whoa! She's a brain surgeon?

So she can pay for dinner. I'm back in.

She's smart, she's successful. What's the problem?

That is the problem.

She's a single mom, she's a neurosurgeon, her name doesn't end in an "I" with a heart above it.

This is not who I date.

Maybe you need a real adult woman with real adult responsibilities.

The date does start in 15 minutes and I am starving, so... she's your friend. I will go.

There's a man, Peter.

Whoo! I'm so excited.

What should I bring? I can't afford normal wine.

Hmm.

Danny: Hey, I was at target, I saw a couple things you might need.

Oh! That's very nice of you.

I wish you had told me you were going.

My whole outfit's from there.

I would've asked you to pick me up some bras.

Okay, weights?

I find this very pointed.

I don't need these. I already have huge g*ns.

All right, I guess I should be getting back to my place.

Oh, no, what's wrong? Did someone die here?

I knew I luckily for you, ghosts love me. It's not gonna be an issue.

Are you hungry?

Well, I did just have an enormous meal, but a doctor told me that my metabolism is so high that I basically have to eat every hour.

That doctor was me.

Great, let's order a pizza, go back to my place?

Okay. Okay.

Yeah.

[Suspenseful music]

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Danny, Danny, Danny, this husband is bad news.

You think? The movie's called death honeymoon, and he's suggested they go scuba diving like nine times.

What?

What? What?

I... this is unexpectedly nice.

I thought it would be weird, but it's not.

I told you it'd be good that we lived in the same building.

Oh, God, he's gonna strangle Jennifer love Hewitt.

I always really liked her. Eh.

She'got a great... Body of work.

Okay, I'm going.

Okay. No, no, no, stay, stay.

You know, I was able to score this prime table 'cause I'm personally friends with the chef.

We're between the bathroom and the little hallway where the busboys take their break.

It's private. [Chuckles]

Feel free to order whatever you want on the menu.

Don't be scared off by the "mp," which means market price.

Oh, I was hoping you could just order for me 'cause I'm illiterate.

Yeah, totally.

They have oysters on the half shell...

I'm kidding. I can read!

It was a joke.

[Chuckles] I'm sorry, I don't...

I'm not used to dating smart girls.

I mean, most of the girls that I date would be impressed with something lame, like, I don't kn.

Whoa. Ooh.

David lame.

[Both laughing]

So when you go out with these girls, what do you talk about?

You know, their boring friends, their made-up gluten allergies, their rescue dogs. I don't... I zone out mostly.

People who brag about rescuing their pets are the worst.

Right? You shouldn't be allowed to tell anyone when you do something good.

Exactly, I have been saying that for so long.

Like, there's this charity that I just started giving money to.

It's... it's for...

I'm not gonna tell you.

[Laughs]

It's jump ropes for fat kids!

[Both laughing]

Feels good to get it out. Yeah.

Danny: Hey, min, Richie and his boyfriend are coming in tonight. I'm gonna pick up some takeout.

I know family style stresses you out, so you can go first. What do you say?

Oh, man, I have so much work tonight, I can't, but I'll be home in a couple hours.

Okay, just knock on my door when you get there.

Okay, bye. Bye.

The hell was that?

Okay, I'm thinking about buying an apartment in Danny's building that he owns, so I'm staying there for the week.

I realize that I've been on one adult date in my life and I am not at the place where I should be giving advice on relationships, but that is a bad idea.

Why? Danny and I are friends again.

No, no, you are not his friend. He's trying to keep tabs on you.

It's like when Hefner lets a playmate stay in his mansion.

There are strings attached: No boyfriends, you have to watch an old man eat soup, occasionally Scott Baio will walk in on you in the bathroom.

I can have a boyfriend.

Really?

So Danny wouldn't be mad if you brought a boy home?

Or you wouldn't be mad if Danny brought a girl home?

Danny can do whatever he wants. I'll be too busy slaying guys' brains out in my apartment to even notice.

[Phone ringing] Hi.

Hey, Charlie, it's Mindy.

I told you, you can't have a handicapped parking permit.

Why do you even need one? You don't drive.

Sue me, I like exclusive things, but it's not that.

I wanted to know if you had any plans tonight.

Thought you swore off men.

I did, that is a good point, but this is not a date.

This is just me making you dinner to thank you for the other day. Do you like balogna sandwiches?

I do not.

Well, then what do you like?

Danny: Ramon, it's nice to finally meet you.

Richie says you work in fashion.

Yeah, he designs underwear with the butt cut out.

Oh, good for you.

Ramon: You give me any garment, I take the butt out of it.

All right, fellas.

Guys, grab a couple beers, throw on a record.

Be right back.

Ramon, we got a fashion question for you.

Brown work boots? That's in fashion for women, right?

Yeah, those are in fashion... In hell.

[Both laughing]

Danny, what's wrong? Why you so wound up?

Pope Francis try surfing or something?

Why's that guy so chill?

It's not that, it's...

See? There's the little dipper right there.

It's just, there's so many thousands of them, so I can't...

Well, you're gonna have a great view of the meteor shower tomorrow. Are you into astronomy?

I think I am, you know, 'cause I'm very into astrology, and one time, someone thought I looked like that black lady from the old star trek, so...

[Chuckles] This is a great place you got.

How'd you find it?

A co-worker of mine is selling it to me.

Well, hey, there's no shame in getting a deal.

I got my house cheap 'cause John Gotti k*lled a bunch of people there.

Oh, God.

Well, I guess I'm pretty self-reliant after all, huh?

Buying my own place. I cooked dinner from jars of food that I opened myself.

[Fire alarm beeping]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, the beeping.

Make the beeping stop! You know what, let's just forget it, let's just forget it.

Let's just abandon this apartment and go!

All right, get the food out of the oven.

I'll get this. Okay.

Oh, God! No, no, no!

Extinguisher in closet! Scared! Baby! Need man help!

Oh, God. What are you doing?

Are you insane? I don't know how to use that!

Sure you do. What would you do if you were here by yourself?

I don't know. Just pray for death. Just do it.

Oh, God.

You did it!

Oh, my God!

That was amazing!

Am I, like, a brave firefighter now?

[Scoffs] Firefighters. They don't even carry g*ns.

Well, the only problem is, dinner is covered in extinguisher foam, although, I bet you we could scrape off that top layer and...

I'll make something.

When Jenny's mom left, I got good at cooking and girls' hair.

You want a French twist with tendrils, I'm your guy.

Okay. [Laughs]

Hey, neighbor.

I was hanging out in the hallway, and I thought I heard the smoke alarm.

Did you light too many of those cinnamon roll-scented candles again?

What, are you burning down my apartment?

It's my place. I own two in the building.

Charlie, this is Danny. Danny, Charlie.

Charlie?

Cool name, great handshake.

So... [Groans]

So what you kids up to night?

Hey, man, my date with Lauren was amazing.

You know, it's making me rethink that whole book-learning for women thing.

Yeah, that's interesting and good.

The thing is, I did talk to Lauren, and she doesn'want to see you again.

Ooh, water features.

What? She's negging me?

[Sighs]

A mom can't neg a normal.

She thinks you're fun, Peter, but I think she wants somebody more mature.

More mature? Aw!

That doesn't make any sense! I'm, like, so mature!

You know what, I don't need her and her stupid, stuck-up braingeon job or her stupid, stuck-up baby!

And they shouldn't refurbish barns!

They should lee 'em rustic!

Well, thank you for checking in, Danny.

Hope you enjoyed the pistachios.

I think if there's nothing else, maybe you should...

I'm just trying to make conversation with your friend.

So, Detective, what are you doing here?

Did you figure out Mindy was the great Tribeca donut thief?

Ha ha ha. Mindy invited me.

Do I detect a slight accent? Where you from again?

Staten island.

Oh, yeah? I'm from staten island.

But you probably don't know the area, it's a real rough part. Mariners harbor.

Oh, yeah, we used to call you the rich kids.

I'm from Port Dogkill.

On the river side?

No, the garbage dump side.

What are you making over there?

Sauce.

Sauce. Damn it.

New York neighborhoods... It's interesting...

You know what, guys, I don't know why I didn't think of this before.

Richie and Ramon are over at my place.

They're test-driving out my new micro-brew, doctor Dan's summertime snickerdoodle ale.

I don't want to... I don't want to break up a date, but...

It's not a date.

Not?

Oh, boy, look at that. I gotta get back to the station.

No, you don't have to go.

No, there's been a brutal m*rder.

Yeah, let the man do his job.

Oh, Chaz, well, take a rain check, pal.

Good guy, I like that guy.

I don't know if he's a real cop, but I like him.

Damn it, it's really good.

And ange was her name? Angi with an "I."

You put a heart over that, I bet.

Sometimes.

When don't you?

Oh, if I do a star.

[Laughs] Terrific!

Yeah.

So... you want to see a trick?

Yeah. Normal napkin, right?

Uh-huh.

[Screams]

Oh! No, no, that's the Kn*fe behind the napkin.

Sorry. I mean, that really freaked me out.

Yeah. [Chuckles]

I like Ramon, but do I love Ramon?

That remains to be seen. I always pictured Richie with, like, a Kennedy, you know what I mean?

Anyways, that was fun last night.

Tonight, me, you, Richie, and Ramon, Chinese checker tourney. What do you say?

Um, I don't know, maybe.

You're gonna be there.

[Phone ringing]

[Sighs] Lang.

Mindy: Hello? This is the zodiac k*ller.

I want to turn myself in.

What is your location?

No, I'm so sorr... I'm not...

Don't do that! You sounded just like him.

Hey, I'm really sorry, okay? I wanted to know if you wanted to see the meteor shower with me tonight.

Look, Mindy, I was wrong when I said you wait around for guys to do things for you, but I think you are waiting for one guy, and I think I met him last night.

Okay, the truth is that I invited you over last night to see if Danny and I could really be friends.

So you're using me? I'm just a jamoke in a honey trap?

Yes, I was treating you like a jamoke, but what I didn't realize is that you were this really awesome jamoke...

And really cute, by the way, for your age...

Who believed that I could put out a fire by myself.

I know I said I was swearing off romance, but you're a great guy.

So do you want to go out?

Just to be clear, is this a date?

It is a date. Oh! You can let me sh**t your g*n.

You're a little nut job. I like that, it's interesting.

Cool. Oh, before I forget, I would like to pay some outstanding tickets that I have.

Do you have a pen?

Yeah, sure, go ahead.

My "50 shades of grey" credit card number is 2058...

[Phone clicks off]

Oh. Oh, okay.

[Drill whirring]

Lauren, can I talk to you outside for a second, please?

Oh, sure, it's not like I'm operating on a brain or anything.

[Sighs] Warren, don't screw this up again.

[Drill buzzing]

You got this, Warren.

What look, uh, all my life, I've been eating hamburgers, and then I got to try this amazing piece of steak, and now, I can't enjoy these super slutty hamburgers...

Okay, stop, stop, stop. I think you're trying to say a nice thing, so maybe stop referring to women as meat. Yeah.

I have to get back in there. Warren's a drunk.

Look, you're smart and you're successful and you know what you want, and I really, really believe that if you just give me one chance, so help me God, I will make you like me.

[Scoffs] Okay. One more chance.

Yeah. Okay.

Great.

Danny: Hey, neighbor.

Can I borrow that detergent I bought for you?

I love that lavender scent on my undershirts.

It's very soothing. Yeah, yeah, of course.

You got any... anything you want to wash?

We can hang out while we wait.

Uh, no. Actually, can't.

Um, going on a date tonight.

Oh. Well, you look really nice.

You're going out with that cop guy again?

Yeah, he's taking me to see my first meteor shower.

Your first meteor shower? You don't even like that stuff.

Ju last week, there was a full moon, and you were like, "if I want to see a white circle, I can draw one on a piece of paper."

So you don't really like that stuff.

Well, people change, Danny.

Oh, wait... whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

Um...

I was just gonna...

I don't know, I just wanted to.

You wanted to because I'm about to go on a date.

No, that's not why. I just... I... I wanted to.

Well, then why didn't you when we were together watching TV the other night?

Or any night for the past two months?

Why tonight?

The moment just wasn't right.

And the moment is only right when there's another guy in the picture?

You turn it on, you turn it off, you change your mind a million times, and I'm not gonna do it anymore. I get to decide.

[Sighs] Okay, I'm sorry.

Here, take this.

I was just joking.

You weren't.

All right, well, you know, I can't help that you didn't get the joke.

I mean, it was one of my classic Castellano...

Have fun tonight.

[Door closing]

You cold? I got a windbreaker in my trunk, but I think it's got a little blood on it.

No, no, that's all right. Thank you.

Oh, there! I just saw a meteor.

That's another plane.

Oh. Well, this is fun, you know?

I'm having a really good time on this date.

Although, isn't this kind of thing supposed to be more fun if there was...

I don't know, you're, like, a little high?

I'm a police officer.

No, no, no. No, of course, of course.

Wink?

Don't arrest me. I've never done dr*gs.

It's just looks cool.

Shh shh shh. You're making it worse.

Oh, there! There's another one!

No, another plane.

Damn it, Charlie, what the hell?