03x03 - Crimes & Misdemeanors & Ex-BFs

[bunniefuu]

Mindy: One of the best things about new relationships is you spend so much time together that you feel like you're of one mind.

Hey, what do you wanna do tonight?

I was thinking maybe Thai food...

Sex on the washing machine.

Okay. Sounds good to me.

Really? See, one mind.

Okay, I better head out to my c-section.

It's a cute one. Two twins are hugging, Danny.

That sounds adorable. Don't forget your stuff.

My toothbrush and brush? I thought I would just leave that here.

I don't know if you wanna do that, you know?

It might just get lost in my clutter.

Clutter?

This place is tidy like a serial k*ller's lair.

I like to keep everything in its place: My compact disc, my balsamics, my seat from Yankee stadium.

Oh, that old bench where I cut my toenails?

Next to you, that's the most valuable thing I own.

It even has vintage curse words carved in it.

I did those.

Take your stuff.

[Sighs] Fine.

Mindy: So if Danny won't let me keep some of my things here, I'll have to take matters into my own hands.

There you go, sweetheart. Aw.

How...

Mindy: And since that didn't work, I'll find even more creative places.

Here you go, babe.

Mindy: Until finally I put them in a place he'll never find them.

Hey. [Screams]

I don't know how this stuff got out here.

Here you go.

You know, Danny, I'm spending a lot of nights here, and it's getting a little tiring lugging my stuff back and forth.

You know what, I've actually been thinking about the same thing.

Oh. Come here, check this out.

Half of your closet? For me?

Ma gave this to me when she sent me to divorced kids camp.

There's plenty of room in there.

You can wheel your stuff back and forth.

That's a very nice gift, Danny.

Hey, it's a loan.

[Wheels squeaking]

See you later. Have a good day.

You didn't, uh...

You gotta put your stuff in it, Min.

There are five signs of low-grade squamous lesion.

I chose this graphic of a cool dolphin though, because someone very close to me told me that lesions are gross.

Oh, I just got a shout-out.

Anyway... I'm so sorry.

After the presentation, is there a limit on bagels per person?

Because head count-wise, I don't think we have enough.

I'm not doing questions, and I told you not to depend on food at work for sustenance.

He's just picking the seeds off.

It was an everything bagel. Now it's nothing.

He's not wrong to be concerned.

Great, now people are raising their hands. Yeah?

Are you Mindy Lahiri?

I am.

Are you from McFadden's steakhouse?

Did you find my shoe? No.

You've been served.

Man: Wow.

Mindy, you haven't paid your taxes in six years.

What?

No wonder they want to lock you up.

I thought they took it out of our paychecks.

Hey, tax evasion is a serious crime.

You're stealing from America.

Are you proud of yourself, stealing from the grand canyon?

The liberty bell?

The liberty bell is a piece of crap.

There's a cr*ck right down the middle.

And you know what?

Danny: What?

That was jacked up well before I hit the scene.

You're trying to tell me that you all pay your taxes?

All: Yes.

I actually don't have to pay income taxes because my salary puts me under the poverty level.

I can't hear about your economic issues. [Tiny violin sound]

Poor baby! How is that your reaction?

Mindy, your biggest asset is your stake in this practice.

If the government puts a lien on your earnings, it's gonna affect us all.

Damn it, Mindy, you can't make a mess and ignore it and just expect it to get cleaned up.

It affects other people.

Like the time she left my faucet on all weekend.

Because the earth isn't covered with a million oceans, Danny.

Wherever will we get more water?

No, no, no. I can't hear about this faucet thing anymore.

Mindy, you're gonna have to get a lawyer.

Oh, wait. I did get a lawyer to take care of this months ago.

Oh, okay. All right.

Oh, God.

What?

Well, well, well, well, well, well, , well, well, well, well, well, well, well... Okay, that's enough.

Cliff, you said you were gonna take care of this. Yeah, and you said you weren't gonna cheat on me with Danny, and then dumped me.

Okay, I would never have said that.

That would have sounded very suspicious.

Look, Cliff. I am very sorry that I hurt you. But...

Can't you just take care of this for old time's sake? No.

Could you take care of this for that time we did it in the wax museum?

That wasn't me. Wha... really?

Okay, that was Danny. Okay, I am so sorry.

All right, just at least give me my receipts and my papers back.

No, Mindy. I think the universe should punish you.

Why do you get everything you want?

I mean, I help you out with this and you still get to date the guy that you cheated on me with?

So what are you saying? That you would help me if I wasn't dating Danny?

Well, I don't kn-know. I mean...

What are you saying? Did you two...

Break up?

Yes. Yes, we did break up.

And Danny cheated on me.

I couldn't live with Danny's betrayal, so we broke up. Oh, my God. I didn't... I didn't know that.

It's been horrible, Cliff, just horrible.

I've completely stopped eating, as you can tell. I'm so thin.

God, it's cold in here.

And they even said they might take away the practice.

But you know what I think?

The world has a way of being so unkind to people like us...

People who just want to love.

You're right.

You're right, Mindy. I-I didn't know that you were going through all of this, and I can certainly relate to it.

And I'm surprised that you feel comfortable sharing this with me.

So comfortable.

I actually just farted.

All right, you know what?

Maybe I'm crazy, but I'll do it.

I'll take your tax case.

You will? Yeah.

Oh, my God. Cliff, thank you so, so much. I can never re-pay you, and I don't plan to.

I know.

Um, Peter, could I squeeze by and get to the cabinet?

Just without my daily vitamin, my vision blurs.

No worries, man. I got it for you.

Oh... Can I get you anything else while I'm in the cab?

We got Mindy's osteoporosis chews, in case you wanna keep your bone game tight. Thank you.

Wow, Pete. You're being really nice to that guy who was just playing tonsil hockey with your girl.

I will have you know that Lauren and I have never been better.

And what happened with her and Jeremy, that was a crazy time.

The leaves were changing.

Everyone was psyched about the new fall shows. I don't know, Pete.

Your kisses are for three things...

Your ma, your girl, and your wrestling coach after you win regionals.

It ain't a real kiss if it's above the belt.

Yes. Thank you, Beverly. Thank you.

Hey. Hey.

Did you notice I put some axle grease on wheelie?

Smooth ride, huh?

Yeah. And I'm meeting a lot of cool people when I drag it up the subway stairs.

A lot of, "go back to your own country."

Oh, that's nice. Okay, let me get that for you here.

Hey, did you talk to Cliff?

Everyone's really freaked out that we're gonna lose the practice.

Morgan's been going up to the roof a lot.

I did talk to Cliff, and the great news is that he said he would help me with my taxes.

Nice. There's a small catch.

Okay. Cliff was still very upset that I cheated on him with you.

Right. So I told him that we were broken up.

You did what?

I told him that we were broken up.

Why would you do that? What's wrong with you?

Because Cliff only wanted to help me if he felt sorry for me.

That's the only reason why guys ever want to help girls.

Okay, come on. Gimme a break.

That's not true. That never happens.

And Danny, I don't know what to do, okay?

I feel so helpless. Okay, don't cry.

I haven't even been eating 'cause I'm so stressed out about this whole thing. You haven't been eating? Don't stress out.

Yeah, I just need help. Hey, hey, baby, baby, daddy's got you, okay?

Wait, no. Now you're doing it to me!

So what if I am, Danny? Ah, God...

So what if I am?

It's only for a couple days.

It's a fake break-up.

Okay, fine. For the practice.

A couple days. That's it.

Really? For the practice.

Oh, you're such a good boyfriend.

Now get in the bedroom.

Ooh. No, folding socks and watching jag.

'K, well...

That was misleading, but okay.

[Cell phone buzzes]

Danny: Oh!

Go get him, jag! Yes!

[Phone buzzes]

Danny: sh**t. Oh, no.

Mindy, get in here.

Jag's in a bit of a pickle.

Mindy: Danny, I need to tell you something.

Danny: Me too. Did you know people are buying jeans with holes already ripped in them?

I'll tell you right now what they got a hole in...

Right here in their head.

I'm dating Andy Rooney. I can't right now.

Listen, I wanted to talk to you about something tonight. Hold the door.

Hold... hold that. Hold that.

Mindy. Danny.

How's it going, Cliff?

Hey, Cliff. Good.

You two seem pretty cozy.

What? No, get off me, you weirdo!

He took the best five months of my life.

[Sighs] Right, yes.

We're, uh, we're on a break.

It's not a big deal.

You cheated on her, Danny.

I'd say it's a pretty big deal.

Yeah, yeah. I cheated on her.

With a Knicks city dancer.

Yeah.

She saw me in a crowd.

Just couldn't keep her hands off me.

I mean, it was... It was pretty hot.

More like you jumped at her from behind a bush, you pedo!

[Elevator bell dings]

Mindy. Daniel.

Heathcliff.

There's a very strange energy in this elevator.

They broke up.

I att*cked a woman in the park.

I can't say I'm surprised.

You can't?

Danny, you have unfurled your tatami mat.

Now you must lie in it.

Next time we break up, you be the Central Park perv.

I can't, Danny. I'm already the Washington square flasher... I'm sorry!

Hey, I heard you guys broke up, and I, for one, am happy because I was never a fan of this relationship.

We didn't break up.

You're my favorite couple, and I wish you nothing but luck.

Danny, listen to me.

Why do I have to suffer through this crap?

Why? I don't like it, Mindy, okay?

I don't like it. I wouldn't want to be my heavy bag tonight.

Danny, I understand and I am sorry, but it will all be over by tomorrow.

You better start thinking about ways to make it up to me.

Yeah, all right.

No, the other thing. Rizzo? You want me to dress up like rizzo from grease? That is demeaning, Danny!

Then how 'bout frenchie? Frenchie.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, fine.

Awesome. But I can't do it tonight.

Why, what... what's going on tonight?

Uh, I have plans... To go to the gym.

Oh. That's great. I'll come with you.

I just read about a new kind of squat in my men's newsletter.

You can't come with me.

Because it's a women's only gym.

Ah, that's too bad.

I like watching your tush when you work out.

It's like it's saying, [mimics Marlon Brando] Stop working out.

Stop it. I hate working out.

I'm shrinking.

Okay, my butt does not sound like fat Marlon Brando.

I know what your butt sounds like... Don't tell me.

Look, go to the gym, okay?

When you get back, I'll make you a plate of ma's authentic flazool.

Okay.

You deserve it.

Lauren: I'm sorry I couldn't get a sitter for Henry, but Ethiopian food is basically just baby food, anyway.

Look, Lauren. Um, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching. Like, an ass load of soul-searching. And I want you to know that you are 110% forgiven for making out with Jeremy.

There are a few stipulations, though, going forward. One: No more making out with dudes. Two: Making out with chicks... Case-by-case basis.

I really like you, Peter.

Yeah, great.

But I think for right now, we need to put a pin in it.

Like a clothespin to keep us closer together?

No, like I don't think this is working.

Is this about Jeremy? Are you see...

No, no. This isn't about Jeremy.

Are you seeing him now?

This is about you and me.

Well, then, I really don't understand.

[Phone rings] Oh, sh**t. Oh, hey.

Can I take this?

Can you just watch him for one second?

I'm... I'm really sorry.

Lauren... I'm so sorry.

Look, Henry, I don't want you to get sad because your mom and I aren't working out right now.

This isn't the end for us, though, you know?

We still got a lot of stuff to do together.

I'm gonna take you to your first baseball game.

I'm gonna let you taste your first beer. I'm gonna pick you up after your first infraction at Dartmouth.

It's all gonna happen.

Hey, I'm so sorry...

I'm gonna pay my 1/3rd of the bill on the way out.

Oh, God. Henry?

[Baby cries]

Mindy: Cliff, I think this restaurant is inappropriate for a work meeting.

Yeah, I'm uncomfortable.

But I do know a laundromat that sells hot dogs.

Mindy, after what Danny put you through, I think you deserve it.

Listen, I wanna show you something here.

Oh, you're on this side now.

Yeah, well, it's standard attorney-client seating.

You smell nice. It's just men's deodorant.

It's no big deal. Oh, okay.

You have to give me the brand. [Chuckles]

All right, listen, even if you do manage to avoid the seizure of all your assets, you are still gonna owe the government that much. What?

Cliff, you gotta be kidding me.

For what? So those fat cats can "build roads"?

So that PBS can keep lining Laura Linney's pockets?

No one else is mad about this?

Okay, fine.

I'll just heroically save the practice from what I did to it.

Piece of advice? Yeah.

Even if you do save the practice, get out of there.

Man, that Danny is a real creep.

No, Cliff. He's a good guy.

Hmm. Well, then I'm assuming you know that he is... Still married?

What?

No, it's a pleasure.

One more question.

Hey. You wore that to the gym?

I told you, you can always borrow my boxing trunks... Just not the ltalian colors.

Danny, are you still married?

What? You know I'm annulled.

That's only in the eyes of God.

That means less than nothing.

Are you married?

Uhh... I mean...

Technically, yes.

I can't believe this.

All this time, I thought I was your hot girlfriend when really, I was your sexy mistress.

How'd you find out about it anyway?

Cliff told me at dinner.

Dinner? I thought you were supposed to be at the gym.

Danny, I don't even know where a gym is.

Okay, well. I better leave.

I wouldn't want your wife to see my toothbrush or my Sarah Palin book.

She's not just a politician, Danny.

She's a mother, she's a wife, and she's a hunter.

Mindy.

Hold my calls, darling.

You seem happy. Did your mom send you weird British candy?

No, Beverly. I have a date with a woman worth a thousand mallow-wispies.

Ehh...

'Scuse me.

[Phone rings]

Downtown neurological partners.

If this is an emergency, please call the Tribeca insane asylum.

Peter: Hello, this is Dr. Jeremy Reed, baby, yeah.

Scwhing! Donk-ay!

Hey, Dr. Reed.

How can help you?

Well, guv'nah. I was just calling to see if Lauren had any lunch plans today.

You know, me being terribly forgetful and all.

Yeah, she's supposed to be at lunch with you right now.

I knew it! Uh, uh...

Uh, thank you, uh, very much [weird accent] For this-a information.

Uh, w-w-who you talking to?

Uh, my wife.

Dr. Reed in here?

Huh?

Oh, mama. Well.

[Thud]

You tell my girlfriend I'm still married?

So you are still together with Mindy.

Yeah, I knew it.

You know, my first clue was when Mindy posted a photo of you in the shower.

Hashtag, my sudsy boyflife.

I thought I saw a flash.

Yeah. You're a perfect couple.

You're terrible people and you're huge liars.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not lying anymore, Cliff.

I'm done with lying.

I'm gonna go see a lawyer, I'm gonna finalize my divorce.

That's great. Which lawyer?

My cousin don. He mostly handles dogs that bite people, but he knows stuff about humans too.

So, don't worry about it.

I got it covered.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, Danny? What?

Don't do that. I'll handle your divorce.

Why would you want to do that for me?

You've actually got something I want.

Are you talking about Mindy?

Something that's had even more men on top of her.

Beautiful.

I don't remember all these swear words being carved into it, though.

[Sniffles]

Danny, you're not crying, are you?

No!

Well, it was nice knowing all of you.

Can't say the same. Being honest.

Immigration services are looking into my status.

Apparently, an anonymous phone call has gotten me red-flagged.

Why do they care? You're Mexican.

I can't go back to England.

I've forgotten all the words.

How do the English say "elevator"?

Lorf? Blift?

Look, Jeremy, I think you should go back to England for as long as it takes for you to get this situation sorted out.

Come back in a few months.

Sure, some people will have moved on to some other people, but...

Not only am I getting deported, but Lauren tells me she wants to put a pin in it.

Wait. I'm sorry. Lauren told you she wanted to put a pin in it?

So you're not dating anymore no. Quite the opposite.

I'm a man with no country and no woman.

Morgan: Oh. Oh, my God.

I had to take the stairs.

You guys know the blift is broken?

You will keep your portion of the practice, and Christina will retain ownership of your boat, the fuggeta-boat-it.

That's okay. After Captain Phillips, I got too spooked to go on it.

Well, you are divorced.

I now pronounce you man and... nothing.

Hey, Cliff.

I just wanted to thank you.

And say that I'm... I'm sorry about all the lies, okay?

Mindy's gonna be really happy we sorted this out, so...

Yeah. Good.

What?

What's really going on with the two of you?

Because when Mindy and I were going strong, my apartment was just absolutely buried in her stuff...

Hidden wine bottles, bras drying in the oven.

Her stuff was scattered everywhere.

Danny, there's no sign of her here.

Well, there's plenty of her stuff all around here, so...

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

All right, good. Yeah.

I'm gonna, uh, go take this Yankee seat and light it on fire.

What? I'm a Red Sox fan.

You are? Yeah.

Go, sox!

Man: As the accountant for this practice, you should be ashamed of yourself.

This is the most challenging tax case I have ever seen.

In July of last year, you spent more money on emojis than rent?

Couple things.

Not crazy about this judgmental tone, first of all. Second of all, those were a business expense.

They helped to sell my brand.

Which is sassy-but-bangable brat.

We're really pushing the brand this year.

You know what?

I just think it's time I retire.

Lauren: Jeremy?

Excuse me. Is Jeremy here?

Oh. Stay here.

Just... Work your magic.

Hey, are you getting deported?

You can't go back to England.

Everything's okay. The I.N.S. Lost interest when they found out I was rich and white.

That's such great news.

Listen, when I thought of you going away, I didn't like it. Maybe I don't want to put a pin in it.

Let's not put a pin in it.

Okay.

[Mumbles] Who knows what they're going to... what they're doing?

They could be going in there to break up.

Yeah, more like hook up.

[Sighs] Sorry.

Mindy: With this signature, I am square with the U.S. government.

Wow, if I'm gonna pay for national parks, I better check them out. What's that one called?

Big hole? Mount facemore?

Mmm.

You wanna stay over tonight?

You can eat the chocolate casings off all my ice cream bars.

I shouldn't. If I spend the night with a married man, it's gonna be because he got my kid into prep school.

Well, that's... Really good news, 'cause I'm not married anymore.

I finalized my divorce.

Really? Yeah.

Thank you. Because you helped me clean up my old mess. And because of that, I can concentrate on what's important to me, like...

My work.

And faith.

And you.

What? No.

After faith? That's too much.

I can't accept that.

I can't, though. I actually need to go home. I left wheelie there.

Come here.

Oh, my God. Danny!

It's so beautiful. This is like the nicest piece of furniture in your house. I got it at some girl boutique called lsabel's attic.

The lady's cat was all over me.

You met doilie? If she likes you, that's huge. Yeah?

Danny... It's perfect.

You like it? Thank you.

You're welcome.

Now how about we go to your bedroom and you show me if there's any room in your closet for me.

No. No, there's no space for you in there because that's where all my pressed jeans go, okay?

There's no room for you. You got this now, okay?

Maybe we should just go and, uh, check anyway.

I don't need to check. I'm telling you right now, there's no room for you in there.

Have sex with me in your closet, you dumb-dumb.

Ohh. Okay.

That's what you're talking about.

That's very clever.

Mindy: It's not even that clever.

Danny: Okay.