03x05 - The Devil Wears Lands' End

[bunniefuu]

Mindy: I think that was the best wedding I've ever been to.

The bride was older than me and she weighed more than me.

Did you notice that?

I still don't think we should've brought a gift to a second wedding.

You know? It's rewarding failure.

[Police sirens]

Oh, no.

Oh, for Pete's sake.

Danny: This is why I should've driven.

Mindy: You had four drinks.

Yeah, but drunk me is safer than sober you.

Relax. I've been pulled over a hundred times, and I've never once gotten a ticket. How?

The way I get out of everything...

Lying and crying.

Okay, fine.

Officer, the reason we were speeding is because we were rushing away from this devastating funeral of a very close friend of ours who d*ed.

And the funeral had a photo booth...

With prop moustaches?

[Fake sobbing]

You know what?

Just give me a ticket.

I can't have a baby!

Calm down! Look, look, look!

Calm down, I'll cut you a break.

I'll cut you a break. Really?

You remind me of the demented aunt that raised me.

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Drive safe.

[Crying] Thank you. You're such a good guy.

And that is how it's done.

You're going to hell.

For that little performance, don't you think I deserve a reward?

Mindy: Oh, my God.

Whoa, Nelly.

Ma'am, you've been parked in the turnpike for 15 minutes.

Sir, what's that around your neck?

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Mindy: I gotta learn.

My frat buddy, pube, is dead.

Both: What? He's dead to me.

Because his dad is dead.

And he's gotta go to the funeral, making him unavailable to be my partner at the Dartmouth alumni beer-pong tournament.

I could be your partner.

I'm basically a frat guy.

You know why? 'Cause I love drinking, and I hate nerds. Bop!

I'm cool. No, he's cool.

It was funny 'cause like it's so not true.

Thank you, but there's no chicks allowed.

Plus, I need a partner that's really good to b*at last year's champion...

Shonda rhimes, class of '91.

Wait, I thought you just said that no chicks were allowed.

Yeah, but she's successful like a man.

[Phones chime, vibrate]

Jeremy: "Where are you all?

I'm really panicked, if you can't tell."

Oh no, we're supposed to be meeting the new department chief at the hospital right now.

I told Jeremy if he ever wants me to go anywhere, he has to trick me into believing that Pharrell is doing a meet-and-greet.

[Phones chime, vibrate]

Jeremy: "You're not going to believe this, but Pharrell just showed up." Holy moly.

Come on, let's go, babe! Peter!

Now that I've described my vision for the hospital, a little about me.

Dr. Jean fishman, formerly of mass general, where I ran a very tight ship.

But I'm not here to make friends...

Oh, no, no, no.

[Whispering] I am here to make babies.

[Thud]

[Whispers] Sorry.

So glad you guys could make it.

I hope it wasn't too much trouble.

Oh, relax, we're like the first people here.

Mm... Almost 16 minutes late.

You're lucky I don't know what practice you're from.

Oh, we work at Shulman & Associates.

Established in 2003. A safe place for women.

May I continue?

Of course. It's weird I'm talking at all.

Shut up. Ow!

As I was saying, there are certain reforms that I wanna put in place immediately...

[Ringtone: Iggy azalea's fancy plays]

What the hell is that?

♪ I'm in the fast lane ♪
♪ from L.A. to Tokyo ♪

It's my... it's my phone.

I'm just gonna... I'm gonna turn it off.

Just hold this, please.

Good thing it's a good song though, right?

[Shulman associates murmuring]

[Song continues] Okay, I'm just, I'm just...

There's just too much in here.

There's too much in here, so I think the best thing is just probably just let it run its course.

Please continue.

[Iggy azalea's fancy continues]

Jeremy: Kudos, Mindy.

You've really done it this time.

I just received the new hospital schedule, and Dr. Fishman has given us the graveyard slot for all of our procedures.

Oh, no, I can't do a c-section at 11:00 P.M. on a Sunday.

With a gut full of ma's lasagn?

Jeremy: We need to fix this, partners.

Ideas, please, come on. [Snapping]

I have an idea.

A sincere apology and a promise to do better.

I'm sorry, what're... What're you doing here, buddy?

Oh, he's shadowing me. It's legit.

It's legit, like how?

Look, I can't help but feel partly responsible for this. [Loudly] Because it's your...

[Lowers voice] Because it's your fault.

That's probably why.

It's 100% on your shoulders.

Okay, you don't all have to g*ng up against me.

All right? That's actually against the law.

Leave her alone. Thank you.

Okay, so what are we gonna do?

I think I have a pretty great idea.

I'm gonna take Dr. Fishman out for a night on the town. What?

You know, girls love me! We'll gab, we'll hang out at the spa, I'll tell her she's hot.

She'll tell me I'm hotter.

Boom-shacka-lacka... We're best friends.

It's not a bad idea.

It's a good idea.

[Fancy ringtone plays]

Both: Mindy!

♪ You already know ♪

Jeremy: Have you learned nothing?

Oh, my God, that is me.

[Knock at door]

Hey!

Dr. Fishman!

I didn't say come in.

It's... it's cool.

This is a great office!

What do you want?

I brought you this apology cactus.

Because you think I'm prickly?

No! Cactuses might seem prickly, but really, deep down, they're little gentle creatures...

Ow... stupid bitch!

Oh, God.

Ugh. Um, do you have like a band-aid?

Listen, if you think that cactus is going to get you a better schedule, forget it.

Okay, look, I know we got off on the wrong foot, and that's a real shame.

'Cause you and I? We're just two cool women trying to make our way in this female-dominated industry.

What do you want from me, other than what you obviously want from me?

I don't know.

I just wanna get to know you better.

You seem cool, you're new to town, and I was named "New York's it-girl" by a magazine that I made at the carnival.

Hmm, well, it's true, I don't know New York that well.

I've been spending every night at the Statue of Liberty because I assume that's what people do.

What'd you have in mind?

I have no idea, because I did not think I would get this far.

But it is gonna blow your mind.

It's gonna be like a thousand times better than this cactus.

Just wear comfy clothes and don't bring any cash, 'cause I got you covered.

And, uh, yeah, it's gonna be awesome.

Love you... I mean...

I will grow to love you, and you will grow to love me.

Okay, we're gonna start nice and easy.

Lemons in a bucket.

It's all about touch.

Whoo! See?

Got it. Watch this.

It's all about touch.

Peter: See, that was like a lot of touch.

Have you ever thrown anything before?

Yeah, man.

I mean, I've dropped stuff.

Peter, I know we've had our fair share of ups-and-downs since I started dating Lauren, but... I could be your beer-pong partner.

[Laughs mockingly]

I actually have amazing aim.

As a child, it was my job to put ice in father's drink.

And if I got too close, he would swat at me.

Okay, Oliver, these stories are getting so...

Okay, you know, it's not about making it.

It's about technique.

All right, already!

Clearly, you have an affinity for throwing small objects into small glasses.

Peter, we used to be such good chums.

We did used to share a work toothbrush.

We did? Yeah, we all did!

We did?

Okay, okay, okay, watch this.

I sink this... muah...

You and I are partners.

Hah...

So I guess we're partnered up.

Great, another activity I'm excluded from.

Well, this is me.

Whoa! Swank.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I really had a good time.

Even when you tried to dance with those kids on the subway.

Yeah, they really hated it.

They hated it.

It hurt my feelings, actually.

We gotta do this again soon though.

Cool.

Oh...

Hmm, a beetle.

Oh, thanks.

That means good luck!

[Both chuckle awkwardly]

Mindy, amazing news.

Jean has taken us off the graveyard shift.

Thank you so much.

I'm so happy that it worked out.

In other news: I think I'm gay. What?

Well, of course he's gay. He's dating Dr. C.

Mindy, you're not gay.

You asked me to help you mail yourself to Chris hemsworth.

Yeah, well, last night Dr. Fishman kissed me on the mouth.

Wait... what?

Danny, I'm so sorry. It didn't mean anything.

[Whispers] Did you like it?

Danny Castellano!

[Whispers] It's okay if you did.

No, you perv!

So what? So you had a gay experience.

We all have gay experiences.

Yeah, I once kissed my cousin sheena to get invited onto air force two.

Sure, and if I run across one of Richie's meat Mags, I flip through it, check out the competition.

Is that... normal to do?

Yeah, you always wanna make sure that you're stacking up.

All right, what did Jean say when you told her you were straight?

I didn't tell her.

And now, Jean has a case of Mindy fever, and we all know there ain't no cure for that.

Wait a minute, you didn't tell her the truth?

And she won't tell her. Okay?

I can't go back to 3:00 A.M. deliveries.

Mindy, can't you continue being a lesbian for the good of the group?

I could just be her friend platonically until she gets sick of me...

That usually happens really fast. Mm-hmm.

Okay, you're all over the place.

[Ringtone: Divinyls' I Touch Myself plays] Oh, my God, that's her.

Take care of this.

That's the ringtone you gave her? Yeah.

Oh, hello, Jean.

Dinner tonight?

[Whispering] No. No. Yes!

Yes! Absolutely not!

I can't, because I have plans to stay home and catch up on my shaving.

Why don't you come over?

[Whispering] Don't... Yes!

Um, uh, I guess you could come over.

And I don't know like, bring a bottle of wine and we can like curl up by the fire.

Bye! She's done this before.

Did you just say, "curl up by the fire"?

That snowballed rather quickly.

Well, what do you think?

Do I look like a beer-pong champion?

First off, never twirl again.

Right.

Secondly, I kinda like it.

You look normal.

Thank you.

I even "pre-gamed" as you recommended.

A very subtle Pinot Grigio.

Oh, that reminds me!

You need a whole new personality.

And a nickname.

I played Ophelia in boarding school.

Barf. Your name is Barf.

Peter: This is sloppy seconds.

This is Al Bundy.

That's Ted Bundy.

That's my friend, mlk.

Hey, what's up, Lefty?

Yo, crotch rot, look who's here.

Crotch rot: Hey Lefty, what's happenin'?

How are ya?

Why's your nickname Lefty?

Um, I sprained my wrist as a freshman when I was yankin' it, and that story kinda went viral through campus, so it's like...

Hey, Lefty, remember me?

Andrew Freeman, class of '97?

Ceo of sploderz p*rn website.

That's right, these are the guys that put Mindy's sex tape online.

How's everything at my dream job?

Never better.

In fact, the profits are allowing us to give back through our charity that parachutes p*rn into north Korea.

Operation: Pee-ong bang.

[Laughter]

Zachary Freeman.

I don't believe we have met.

You here for the tournament?

Oh, uh, um, my buddy doesn't...

He's kind of quiet.

[American accent] Hey, dudes.

Barf's the name. Beer-pong's my game.

Okay, bro, I love that!

What frat?

Please, is there more than one?

Sigma nu?

Yeah.

Yeah, that is the one.

That is the one, me too.

Don't think I remember you though, bro.

Oh, um...

I had to take three years off.

Sexual harassment thing.

Yeah...

I think I was at a fundraiser for your defense.

It was the booze cruise that capsized.

Ah, that was a great party.

Wah-hoo-wah!

Both: Wah-hoo-wah!

All: Yeah!

Andrew: All right, Lefty, Barf, great to see you guys.

Good luck in the tournament.

Thanks, bros.

We'll see you bros on the ice.

Yeah.

Hey, Lefty, grab me a brewksi.

I gotta hit the can.

Mindy: Danny, I am having trouble finding a dress that I don't look tempting in.

Hey. Whoa.

Okay, you're flirting with your reflection again.

Cut it out.

I don't think you should hang out with Jean tonight.

You have to face the consequences now, okay?

It's better to do that than to keep up this lie.

Look what happened with Cliff.

Danny, I hate facing consequences.

That's why I haven't opened my mail in like two years.

Yeah, I know you love your little white lies.

But it's one thing to hole-punch your own frequent yogurt card.

It's another thing to mess with someone's heart.

Fine. I will tell the truth.

But I'm never coming clean about my looting during Sandy.

Good. Now get out of that dress and put on that ugly sweat suit I keep throwing out.

Let's go set the record straight.

Fine.

Announcer: If Lefty sinks this sh*t he'll unseat reigning champ, shonda rhimes and move into the finals.

Sink it dude! Sink it for America.

For the troops. For freedom!

I got it.

[Cheering]

Woo-hoo-hoo! Oh, yeah!

What's up, shonda?

Am I the new mayor of shonda-land?

Great game, Lefty. You still got it.

[British accent] Oh, my God, shonda rhimes, I am obsessed with... Dude.

What's up? I'm Barf. Scandal's my jam.

Thanks. You know, writing's how I pay the bills, but my passion is beer-pong.

Naturally.

Lefty, I heard your good news.

You're dating that brain surgeon?

Oh, uh, pfft, Lauren?

We're not actually together anymore.

But it's okay, I mean, I hardly even cry about her in the tub.

She left your hairy ass, didn't she, Lefty?

Oh, it happened again?

You know, this time, we broke up mutually, so...

Oh, man! I called it!

Classic Lefty!

Ha ha! Lefty! Lefty!

[All chanting: "Lefty!"]

Classic Lefty!

Shonda.

Lefty, Lefty, Lefty, Lefty!

You know, I wrote a TV pilot about him once.

Network said it was too sad.

Mindy: Hey Jean.

I need to talk to you about last night.

I'm kind of busy. Can we talk about it later?

No, no. Actually, I need to get this off of my chest.

Look, you're an amazing kisser.

You have the softness of a woman but the strength of a man.

I was actually thinking about it later in the bath and I...

The problem is I'm straight.

And I'm sorry if I led you on.

Wow.

In retrospect, I could see how our nude couples massage would've confused you.

Or when I asked you to check my breasts to make sure that they were symmetrical. What?

But mostly, I regret that I let you kiss me.

What? You kissed her?

Excuse me, sir, we're in the middle of something, so give us a second.

Oh, excuse me. I'm a woman, and that's my wife.

Deborah! Deb-Deb, calm down.

Ladies, ladies. I can't believe that you've been keeping this little butch and her girlfriend on the side! Excuse me?

I am not butch. I'm a lipstick lesbian.

I mean, I'm a straight woman. She's straight.

Here's the deal, okay? What?

I'm a masculine woman, and this is an effeminate man. What?

The lips, the lashes... It's a little much, I know.

But he's a man. I'm a man!

I'm a man, and that's my girlfriend!

Let's all just relax here, okay?

She is definitely straight.

She doesn't do all the things that straight girls do, but she's straight.

Okay, you're very well taken care of.

I'm sorry, Deborah, that this happened.

Deb-Deb, if she had mentioned you but once in our five-hour date, I wouldn't have let her kiss me.

Deb-Deb!

I am going to re-do that schedule and you will never see the sun again!

That is why telling the truth sucks!

Jeremy: Oh, there you are.

Would you burp me?

Can you please leave Beth and I alone?

Is this about the Lefty thing?

It's just a nickname, buddy.

Like when father calls me "not-mine."

Who knows what it means?

Do you know why they call me Lefty?

Because every girl I love always leaves me, and they always leave me for one of my friends.

Does that sound familiar to you, Dr. Reed?

Well, why did you invite me then?

Because I want to win.

I don't want to be known as just a dumped chump.

Maybe it's time you stopped the pity party...

[American accent] And started the Peter party.

I do love alliteration.

Okay, it's time for you to lead us to victory.

Let's go.

All right, let's do it!

[Burps] Ooh. Thank you. [Slap]

I saw that burp.

It's still... I just walked through it.

[Dj snake's turn down for what plays]

♪ ♪
♪ Turn down for what? ♪

All: Oh!

♪ Turn down for what? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Turn down for what? ♪

[Cheering]

♪ Turn down for what? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Fire up the load ♪
♪ Another round of sh*t sh*t sh*t sh*t ♪

Announcer: Silence, please.

The cup that can make or break a dream.

If he sinks this, it's all over.

[Cheering]

What's up? What's up?

Danny: What a mess.

Danny, this is your fault.

You were the one that told me to tell the truth.

Well, you shouldn't have lied in the first place.

That's true.

Okay, you know what? I'm gonna call her.

Hello, Jean. It's Mindy.

What do you want?

I just wanted to say that I am sorry.

And this is all my fault. You can punish me, but just don't punish the others.

Don't tell me what to do.

I will punish whoever I want.

Deborah is furious.

She is so angry... [Dogs barking]

She's turned the dogs against me.

Jean: Shoo!

Well, you know, Danny is not thrilled with me either.

Don't you dare compare our situations.

My Deb-Deb is thinking about leaving me.

Jean: And it's all your fault.

Oh, she is? Okay, well, Danny is so upset, as well.

Very upset. He said he might k*ll himself.

[Whispers] What! What?

It is... really, he's going crazy, he's ranting.

I mean, I don't even know what I'm gonna do.

So, you think that we're even then?

Jean: You stay calm, you keep him calm, and we will be right there.

Mindy: You're coming over? Oh...

Mindy?

Hey, I need to be completely honest with you right now.

I need you to lie for me. Big time.

Why would you tell Jean that? I would never k*ll myself.

In catholicism, that's almost as bad as masturbating.

Danny, can't you just pretend?

Okay? It's just a little drama.

Act like I do when I find out that a celebrity is younger than me.

No.

Danny, everything that I've done has made this worse. I need your help.

I'm not doing it, okay?

I'm not doing it. I'm not like you.

I don't do drama. I can't lie.

Just tell them the truth.

That's all you have to...

[Knocking at door] Please?

Go do it.

[Knocking continues]

Okay. I'm coming.

Where is he?

Oh, my God! We're too late.

No, no, no. That was me.

I just threw a dirty dish out the window 'cause I didn't wanna deal with it.

Danny's in his bedroom.

He's fine whoa, whoa, whoa. Danny is fine?

What is going on here?

Mindy, if you made this up, you and your entire practice will need to find a new hospital.

Oh, God.

I have to come clean to you.

But you have to promise me that you will not take this out on the people that I love.

I should have done this a long time ago.

The truth is that Danny... Danny's over here.

Danny?

Oh, how dare you, Mindy.

Mindy Lahiri.

How dare you bring her to this house.

To our... to our house.

I see. Oh, the three of you?

Don't let me stop you, okay?

Go right in there, there's a bed right in there.

Get your biscuit. Nobody wants a biscuit.

Nobody wants it?

[Mindy mouthing words]

Every night, I wait for her to come home.

And I just cry.

I cry myself to sleep.

Why, God?

Why have you done this to me?

I go to church.

And I... I take my cufflinks off, and I...

I will go to the Statue of Liberty and...

I don't... I don't even understand.

I don't... do it better.

Be a better person, he means.

Like, be a better person.

[Deep voice] I got Mindy fever.

You got it too, right?

And we all know there ain't no cure for that!

You know what?

I gave my virginity to this woman.

Danny! What?

It was just a kiss, hardly worth ending a relationship over.

Just a kiss?

Exqueeze me?

Exqueeze me?

Oh!

I can't have a baby!

Gentlemen and shonda rhimes, your 2014 Dartmouth alumni beer-pong champions: Barf and Lefty!

Yeah!

Lefty! Lefty!

All: Lefty, Lefty, Lefty, Lefty, Lefty, Lefty!

All right, dudes, bros.

Now, doesn't this man deserve a better name than Lefty?

I'm begging you don't do this, man.

Okay, he has so many other qualities worthy of a nickname.

He's a doctor, "doc."

We're at Dartmouth. There are a lot of people who are doctors here. No? You know...

He's uncircumcised... [Crowd murmurs]

"Turtleneck."

Same thing. We're at Dartmouth.

And now, he's a straight up beer-pong champion!

[Crowd cheering]

So what do you say we let Lefty choose a new name?

What's your name, Lefty?

Um... Diarrhea? Wait no... Diarrhea! Diarrhea!

Diarrhea! Diarrhea!

Diarrhea! Diarrhea!

Danny, it's important to forgive.

I'm gonna forgive Jean.

Deb-Deb.

I am. Even though she gave in to Mindy's gross, predatorial advances.

Okay, I'm fine. Deb, I'm also gonna join you on this forgiveness train, and I'm gonna forgive Mindy.

Under the following conditions. Oh.

What now? She has to help me build my adirondack chairs.

And she also has to cook me a nice dinner every night for a month.

Okay, now I'm suicidal.

And every once in a while, she's gotta wake me up with a...

[Clicks tongue] Okay, in your dreams, bozo.

Come on, that's reasonable.

Well... [Clicking tongue]

Okay, yes.

I will do the thing I hate the most to you.

That's good. That's love. That's love.

I think we should go. Thanks for stopping by, guys.

Yeah, thanks. All right.

All right, okay. What a great night.

Bye, Danny. Bye-bye now.

That is how it's done.