03x13 - San Francisco Bae

[bunniefuu]

Mindy: I'm not going to lie.

Dating long distance can stink.

You don't have a boyfriend to help you around the house...

[grunts]

[screams]

[panting]

But at least modern technology makes it easier to forget that he's an ocean away in New York.

But it doesn't help you forget that every woman in Manhattan probably wants to jump his bones.

[phone chimes] Hey.

Hey, sugar, what's shaking?

Since we last spoke an hour ago, not much.

I've got to go see a patient.

Well, be careful, because pregnant women are very strong, and they're very horny.

Did you get the whistle I sent you?

Yeah, I got it right here. Hi. Hi.

I need to hear it.

[blows whistle]

Great. Have a great day.

[phone chimes] Hey, babe.

Hey, sugar, what's shaking?

I can't really talk right now.

I'm late for Terry at the gym.

The gym? Who do you need to go to the gym for?

I, for one, am completely letting myself slide.

[whispers] Even the Hispanic guys have stopped catcalling me.

Yeah, that's great, babe. I really got to go.

Bye.

[phone chiming]

Hey, babe.

Hey, sugar, what's shaking?

I'm just waiting for a prescription.

For what? Gonorrhea medicine? What? No.

I don't have gonorrhea.

If anything, I have an ear infection from talking on the phone all the time.

Look, you got to stop worrying about these cougars ripping me to shreds.

I'm sorry, Danny. Just, I miss you so much, and... you look so cute in that gray sweater.

Thanks, babe, that's really...

Wait a minute, how'd you know I...

Oh, my God, I've been compromised.

Mission abort.

[screams]

Love you! Bye!

[hip-hop music]

Mindy: Hey, babe, tell me everything.

What's going on? Did Morgan find his kite?

Hey, did that bear claw guy asked about me?

He's not responding to my emails.

Sweetheart, you can't spend your whole time in California talking to me on the phone.

You're in a new place. Go experience it.

Would you go to Las Vegas and not go visit historic Lake Mead?

It's Friday night, Min. Go out and have fun.

Me? The way I dress? The way I flirt?

I'm always asking for it.

Wouldn't you rather have me stay in?

No, I trust you, but it's time to go out and meet a friend.

Hey. Oh, sorry.

I got to... got to go.

Wait, no, I have to just... I want to ask one more thing.

Danny: Are you kidding me?

Who would ruin a perfectly good muffin by putting chocolate chips in here?

Whoo! Who's ready to hang out tonight?

Tonight?

Three years ago I asked you to hang out, and you were like, "Oh, I'm too busy. Ask me again in 2015."

That was three years ago tonight, so me and you... [clicks tongue]

I remember that conversation. I'm sorry, I can't tonight.

Wait, you told Dr. Reed you didn't have any plans tonight.

Busted. I wrote it in the notes.

Your notes? This wasn't a meeting.

Notes for my memoir.

I owe Random House a draft, like, last week.

You know what, I'll just do what I normally do on Friday nights: I'll just sit on the stoop and pretend I'm hanging out with you.

You want to... take a muffin?

Thanks.

The chips are the best part.

Look, Morgan, come over tonight.

Me and you will hang, just a little bit.

Just you, no dogs.

Just, you know, dogs. No dogs.

Know dogs? Yeah, I know, like, a million dogs.

I'll see you at 7:30.

[high-pitched weeping]

Hello?

[weeping continues] Miss?

Why don't you open the door, and we can just have, like, a girl-to-girl chat?

Dr. Gurgler? Ah, great. It's you.

Rob, what are you doing in here?

You know, I just moved in here.

Barb and I, we're... we're finished.

Yeah, after she cheated, you know, there's no going back.

Good for you.

I mean, that's what she told me.

I'm still hopeful.

What? She cheated, and she gets to keep the house, and you have to live in grad student housing?

Okay, well, we both... we both messed up.

You know, my seasonal allergies, they drove her to cheat.

She... she was justified.

This is sadder than sad, but maybe we can help each other out.

I need to make a friend, and I see some rope in your closet that I'm really not crazy about, so why don't we forget about all this, let's go to San Francisco, and let's go make a night of it.

What, really? Yeah.

I mean, you wouldn't be intimidated hanging out with a supervisor?

Lucky for you, I have no sense of professional boundaries.

Oh.

So let's put some pants on, bossman.

All right.

I am so excited to hang out one on one with you... never happened.

I even made a list of conversation topics.

London Olympics, what did you think?

[Lauren chuckles]

That was weird, huh?

Having a summer Olympics in a rainy locale is very strange.

I wrote letters... No, no.

Jeremy's girlfriend just went into Peter's apartment.

This is huge! This is huge!

Do you think Dr. P and Lauren are [whispers] frenching?

If it's out of the office, it's none of our business.

Did I hear Beverly's voice come out of an Elmo in the middle of Times Square?

Maybe, but it's none of our business.

No, you're right. You're right.

It's not our business.

That's it. Right.

[sighs]

You know I'm a huge wall nerd, right? You are?

Yeah, I love 'em. I can't... I can't get enough of 'em.

Yeah, I love 'em too. Yeah.

And this one is really nice and not too thick.

[muffled laughter]

[mouthing]

Mindy: I was hoping for an authentic San Francisco trans bar experience.

Guess I don't need this anymore.

This place is kind of awesome. Yeah.

Oh, there's a table. You want to grab it?

Yeah, let's get it.

Isn't it so cool that Danny trusts me enough to let me spend a night out on the town?

[Rob laughs]

You know, Barb and I used to come here.

This is the table where we decided we didn't want to have kids.

Well, she decided.

Forget about Barb, okay?

We're out in San Francisco, the Windy City.

You could meet the love of your life here.

It is Sin City, after all.

[chuckles] Yeah. You're right.

You know, I-I used to be quite the player before Barb tamed me. Ooh.

I find that very hard to believe.

I once dated a 49ers girl.

Oh.

If we're counting their HR department.

That's the spirit, yeah.

Okay, I'm going to go get us drinks.

You order every appetizer. Okay.

Oh. Bartender?

I'd like to order a drink.

Excuse me?

Okay, don't make me call you r*cist.

Can I get your oldest Japanese whiskey? One cube.

bartender: You got it.

Oh. I see how it is.

When the world's most handsome man orders a cool-sounding drink, he is served immediately, but when the world's most handsome woman wants a drink...

Excuse me. Are you Mindy Lahiri?

Yeah. Oh, no.

Are you from the student loan office?

I knew this day would come. No.

Mindy.

It's me, Alex.

I-I lost my virginity to you.

Whoa.

Rob, I want you to meet my old friend, Xander.

Hey. It's Alex these days.

Oh. Alex Eakin?

Wait, you know him?

Alex Eakin is a tech legend.

He's WIRED magazine's Person of the Year.

Well, I was last year.

This year it's "Girls Who Code."

Yeah. Wait, how do you know him?

Xander, as I knew him, he and I shared kind of a wild weekend back in college.

Let me weave you a tale.

Oh, appetizers are here.

Mmm, delicious.

All right, now let me weave you a tale.

The year, 2004.

America was still able to enjoy the music of R. Kelly without guilt.

There was something going on in lraq that I don't exactly remember.

But most importantly, a 24-year-old Mindy Lahiri had, brace yourself, yet to lose her virginity...

[Gwen Stefani's holl*back Girl]

Armed in boot-cut jeans, my cowl-neck sweater, and prescription blue contact lenses, I headed back to college to lose my V-card.

Who was my best prospect?

White guys who are into Asian stuff.

And there I saw him, Xander Eakin and his ponytail.

[romantic music]

Yeah, you'll do.

[slurping]

Wow, sex is cool.

I mean, there was more ponytail hair in my mouth than I thought, but...

Arigato.

[laughs] Hey, let's keep hanging out.

I want to show you this website I created to share Monty Python videos.

I probably wouldn't use it, because while I love Monty Python, I wouldn't want people to know I watched it.

Would you use it if nobody knew it was you?

Like it was anonymous? I guess so.

Huh.

I could make posting anonymous.

Scrub the user's IP address. Mm.

Make it so people have the freedom to post anything they want.

Computer talk.

Will I see you again?

We could try the position where I'm on top.

Missionary? I'd rather die. Hmm.

This should just be one magical night.

If you're lonely, just say my name, and I'll be there.

In your crank bank.

And he was always there in mine.

Wait. You were a virgin too?

But you gave me so many notes.

Yeah. Well, you know, medically, actually, I lost my virginity in a trampoline accident, but that's an even longer story for another day.

You know, Mindy, I have to thank you.

You gave me the idea to let users post anonymously, and that's what put VideoDumpster on the map.

Wait, you created VideoDumpster?

That's my favorite place to get all my A-list wiener.

Alex, I'm so glad I ran into you.

Really?

Then why didn't you respond to any of my emails?

Emails? Yeah, emails.

Like the one I just sent you asking to please include me in the conversation.

[whispering] Can't believe we're snooping on Peter.

I'm not nosy.

I don't even go to restaurants with open kitchens.

None of my business.

[whispering] Okay, you know what, you're right.

But if one of our friends is cheating, it's our duty to figure it out.

We don't know if they're cheating.

Maybe Peter and Lauren are just friends.

Peter: Okay, baby, no more messing around.

It's time to put it in your mouth.

That's disgusting.

Come on, just try it.

You liked it last time.

Open wide. That's it.

First you didn't want it, now you can't get enough of it.

No, no, no, no, no. Oh, boy.

Oh, here it is. From 2012.

You sent it to my old college account.

Why didn't you answer it? Well, I never got it.

All my alumni emails go to spam because they're always asking me for money because one time I fell through a stained glass window.

Oh. Mm-hmm.

Alex: "Mindy, I know it might seem silly, but I've never been able to forget the night we shared."

Good-bye, Xander.

Alex: "It motivated me to buckle down and become the kind of guy Mindy Lahiri would be proud to call her boyfriend."

Good-bye, Xander.

"Nowadays, women throw themselves at me for my money. The sex is amazing, but it's also exhausting. I want something real. I'm coming to New York next week. I know it's a long sh*t, but I'd be honored if you'd be my date to People's 'Most Beautiful Billionaires' gala. It's me, Rupert Murdoch, and the hottest bin Laden. I'll be waiting out in front of my hotel until 7:45."

All right, let's go.

"I would be proud to have you as my date. Love, Xa."

I ended up having a three-way with a couple underwear models that night.

But I imagined they were you, for some of it.

Okay. [phone rings]

Ooh, I got to take this.

Madame Tussaud screwed up, and my statue is only 6'3".

[laughs]

Don't go anywhere.

Wow.

Without me, there'd basically be no Internet right now.

Yeah. Hey, you know what else is interesting? Mm-hmm?

Since Alex has been here, you haven't mentioned the love of your life once.

What are you talking about?

I've talked about spareribs, like, ten times.

Oh, Danny! Yeah, Danny.

Well, how is that supposed to come up organically?

"Oh, I love spareribs. Oh, I have a boyfriend named Danny."

Maybe I'm just jaded about Barb.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, uh, you think I could look at that email Alex sent you?

I just want to remember what romance sounds like.

Sure.

[phone swishes]

What did you just do?

Oh, I just forwarded the email to Danny.

But that's cool, right?

'Cause you and Alex are "just old friends"?

Why would you do that?

You got Gurgled.

[phone buzzes]

What's up, Rice-A-Broni?

Mindy: Oh, Peter, thank God.

I need you to go into Danny's computer, and I need you to delete an email.

His password is either ThatStatenKid or Vatican1Forever.

Did you take a bathroom selfie and forget to flush again?

That was one time.

Okay, don't read the email. It means nothing.

It would just bother Danny for no reason.

Please, Peter.

[clicks tongue]

I just got the baby down.

Henry will understand. Please, I'm begging you.

Fine. Thank you.

I love you. I love you.

Okay, Morgan, we don't know all the facts.

Let's not jump to conclusions.

Dr. Reed, it's Morgan. I'm at Dr. C's house.

There's a cheating scandal that is going to blow your mind.

You are involved.

[screams] Are you crazy?

I need my hands for crafts!

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to gra...

[knocks at door]

Yeah? Hey, it's Peter.

Peter who? I'm sorry, what?

You hide. I'll answer the door. Okay.

Wait, he knows I'm here. Why should I hide?

We'll both hide. No.

We'll both answer. Relax. Coming.

Hi, Pete. Hey.

Hi. Can I use your computer?

My Wi-Fi is out.

That's fine.

Yeah, it's fine. Come on init's in the...

It's right in the... It's in the bedroom.

Cool. It's... ah.

What's... what's...

Is that Lauren's baby? Shh. Yeah.

Lauren had to work late. I babysit sometimes.

[whispers] He was talking to the kid the whole time.

[phone chimes]

You were right on this one. Thank you.

You know what? I always say that...

What? Huh.

What?

This is actually funny. What?

Dr. Reed... Yeah?

He got my message, and he's going to come here.

When you just called him right now.

Yeah. He's coming here.

Yeah. Is he going to freak out?

Why did you... [screams]

Why did you leave him a message?

Shh! Quiet down! I told you about my hands!

Danny: Sorry. Just relax. We're fine.

Morgan: Okay, sorry, sorry.

What the hell is he doing in there?

[footsteps approaching]

I ran all the way from the opera.

Who's cheating? Who's cheating?

Oh, that. Uh...

That... that was just something stupid that we... we thought.

We thought maybe Lauren...

I knew it, I knew it. No, no...

Of course Lauren cheats on me.

It's not my fault her baby hates me.

I can't make him eat, I can't make him sleep, and I can't make him not poop on me.

You know, we have nothing in common.

Whenever we hang out, I'm like, "Is he being weird, or am I?"

I mean, of course she would cheat on me.

I'm just a pedantic foreigner with a silly "ecksunt."

both: No! What?

That's crazy. Are you crazy?

No one would cheat on you. Look at you.

The opera lover with the... velvet cool cape?

Hold on.

If Lauren's not cheating, then who's the cheater?

I... I think personally...

That Morgan is. Morgan?

Danny: Yep.

That doesn't sound a lot like Morgan, does it?

With whom?

Dr. L.

Mindy? You see? He's cheating with...

Wait, what? [key bangs on piano]

[whispers] Sorry.

It's true.

Danny, I'm sorry.

Mindy had me come over here and delete a skanky email.

I didn't read it. I don't know why.

But I can only assume that this is what it was about.

This is better than the opera.

[phone buzzes]

Sorry that took so long. What's wrong?

Bitcoin for your thoughts?

Penny. Sorry, sometimes I forget.

[both chuckle]

You know, I wish I had gotten that email.

We would've crushed that gala. They would've loved me.

I have a billionaire's sense of entitlement.

Maybe we could've seen each other afterwards.

[chuckles]

Hey, this is really fun.

Let's get out of here.

Do you want to go for a walk? We can keep talking.

bartender: Dude, I thought I told you to leave!

You can't tell me to leave!

You're not my wife!

Huh? Yeah! Oh, you like that?

Oh, my God. Is that your friend?

Oh, God. Oh, God. This is all my fault.

I should've just let him k*ll himself in his room.

[speaking Japanese]

Rob: Let me get him! Let me get him!

Come on! No, no, no, no, no!

Oh, ooh, look at me, big man.

Who's on top now, buddy?

Oh, God!

Yah!

[crowd screams]

Yah! [screams]

Everyone safe?

[crowd murmurs]

This man may be pitiful.

He may be weak and angry.

He's wearing an extra-large tan polo.

And everyone heard that fart.

woman: Oh, yeah.

But you know who else used to be a loser?

Me.

[crowd gasps]

One day, many years ago, a cool, slightly older woman rocked my world sexually, so I can rock the world technologically.

So let's forgive him.

Because who knows what he may turn out to be?

Probably nothing, he's, like, in his 30s, but... he's okay.

Anyway, I'm buying everyone's drinks.

[all cheering]

Hell, I'll buy the bar.

[all cheering]

Can I get four mojitos?

Yeah, you're drunk. He'll have two.

Okay, can I have two mojitos?

Morgan: Yeah, I feel terrible about this, but Dr. I kept saying it was the best sex she's ever had.

It wasn't even that good for me.

[sighs] Betrayed by a friend.

Oh, well.

"Oh, well"? That's it?

No, that's not it. Pete, you're right.

He cheated with my girlfriend.

Okay, okay, okay. Time-out, time-out, everybody.

He called me a friend.

The man deserves a thrashing and then some.

But let's be adults. Yeah, you're right.

Okay, look at Peter and I. We went through this.

We forgave and forgot, and now he babysits my girlfriend's baby.

Yeah, I know.

He puts so much into a relationship he gets almost nothing out of.

Danny: Okay, thank you.

No, we're good here, I think.

Puccini awaits.

Scusi.

You know, I think he's being a little hyperbolic.

I get a ton out of this relationship.

Yeah, I know.

I do got to run, because I got to get this guy in the crib.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, go, go, go.

Peter: Once again, sorry about the spit-up.

Don't even... Yeah, wow.

What a great night, huh?

Bye, Dr. P. Bye-bye.

Why would you tell him you were cheating with Mindy?

Sorry, it just popped out.

You also said I was a cheater, for the record.

And a lot of people think Dr. I and I do have a very palpable chemistry.

No, they don't.

Well, I'll tell you this much.

Best birthday I ever had.

So do you want to take that walk?

Oh, man.

Listen, Xander, if I had gotten your email when you sent it, man, my panties would have exploded.

But now it just makes me miss my boyfriend.

Boyfriend? Oh.

Okay. Boy, he must be someone great.

Is it Richard Branson? Dalai Lama?

Okay, it's obviously not either of those guys.

He's just a local ethnic man named Danny Castellano.

He might not have your money or your height or your tolerance for other cultures, actually, but he makes me happy, even when he's, like, 100 miles away, in New York City, the City of Brotherly Lights.

[inhales]

What the hell? Ow!

That's my boyfriend. My boobs!

God! Why don't you pick on boobs your own size?

Are you really cheating on me with this nerd, Alex?

Is this because I fell asleep during your TED Talk?

It was so boring. It was ten minutes.

They can be very tedious. Mindy... uh, meet my girlfriend, Grace.

Did I not say "girlfriend" earlier?

No, you didn't. But I didn't either.

But I did before you did. And I did him before you did.

So, like, 12 years ago.

I was, like, ten then, thanks. Okay, well, I'm ten now.

Like, 10 jillion.

I'm not 10 jillion! Hey, whoa!

Hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

That is my only friend. Okay?

Obviously.

[screams]

All right, okay. You should go.

She won the secret Hunger Games we billionaires have.

Oh, my God. Okay, okay.

We shouldn't have done that.

You'll always be in my bank.

Lauren: Peter, thank you so much for babysitting.

I'm going to need you again next Thursday.

Jeremy has a flute recital, and I can't miss another one.

Yeah. Okay, no problem. Okay. Thank you.

You know what?

It's a big problem.

I don't want to be your babysitter anymore.

What are you saying?

I did wish for a birthday kiss.

Should've been specific.

[phone chimes]

Hey, babe, you're calling late.

Just wanted to say, "Hey, sugar, what's shaking?"

Hey, that's my line. Oh, no.

Does this mean it's caught on with old people? Damn it.

I was wondering, did you talk to Peter and tell him to delete an email to me?

I did. I did.

But it was just a stupid email from an ex-boyfriend.

I didn't want you to read it and get worried over nothing.

No, come on. I'm not worried. I trust you.

I trust you.

Ah, but only about our relationship.

I do not trust you not to eat junk food for every meal.

[crunch] What are you eating now?

Sounds like chips.

Yeah, they're krale chips.

Danny: Krale isn't a vegetable.