03x14 - No More Mr. Noishe Guy

[bunniefuu]

Mindy: It's been three months since I left New York for my fellowship at Stanford.

And not to brag, but I am straight-up k*lling this bitch.

The program. Not the patient.

male doctor: Oof. Wow.

Mindy: And I'm helping people in ways I never imagined.

The in vitro was a success.

Congratulations, Mom.

You're gonna be a daddy.

I love you. Aw.

Mm.

Okay.

I'll give you some space.

I've even made friends.

Yes, it's safe to say I'm loving my life out here.

There's only one problem.

I hate California.

I mean, what's with this Alcatraz?

I'm just saying, there's no movie called Escape from Rikers. You know why?

Because you can't. Cool.

Can we please go out today, Danny?

Nah, let's just stay in tonight.

I'll make some pasta "frazool."

And I know what kind of produce they grow out here... puff, puff... so I came prepared.

Oh, my God.

Look at this saus-eege.

I got into a big fight with TSA over this stuff.

Come on, you're only here for three days.

I want you to come out so you can see my groovy San Francisco lifestyle.

All right. Fine.

But I'm wearing my bicycle helmet just in case there's an earthquake.

I got you one too.

Mindy: I knew that if I was going to get the ultimate New Yorker to love San Francisco, I'd have to give him a weekend he wouldn't "fuhged about."

Danny, slow down! Stop!

And I could tell Danny was impressed.

The steep hills make everything exercise, and there were some trees that were older than him.

The surprise was, somewhere in between that big red bridge and the famous street train, I realized that San Francisco was starting to feel like home, and I'm gonna be sad to leave.

Okay, Danny, be honest.

Do you still think that this place is just a giant weed dispensary between dim sum places?

You know what?

I see the appeal.

Yeah? It's your favorite place?

Get on your bike helmet and get down!

We're all gonna die! Get down, Mindy!

Charlton Heston said we should go to higher ground!

[sighs] Okay.

Now, where were we?

Yeah, I'm gonna go take a shower.

It's back on again!

It's back on again!

Everybody get down!

[hip-hop music]

Mindy: Rob, why did you ask me to meet you as this address all alone?

Okay, just because I look like Olivia Pope does not mean that I know how to disappear a body.

What? No, no.

All right, look, how would you feel about starting a world-class fertility clinic here?

What? Really? Yeah!

Okay, wait. Just... all right. Come in. All right, picture it.

You come in the door, and this could be your office.

This is my office?

Yeah, the whole thing.

Oh, my God, I'd have a balcony like S*ddam.

Okay, just... look, after your fellowship, this is the next step.

You know, it is cool that I can do stuff here that I can't do in New York.

But what about my little meatball back home?

Oh, that's the best part. I thought Danny could come too.

Really? Yeah.

You said he loved it when he came and visited San Francisco.

And he made friends with that drag queen.

I'm pretty sure he thought that was the real Tina Turner.

Oh.

But "Lahiri, Castellano, and Gurgler"... rolls right off the tongue.

All right, so what do you say?

Let me discuss it with him this weekend.

Because, who knows, maybe Danny will be chill about a huge life change.

When do you need to know by?

Okay, all right, we've got 72 hours if we want this space.

Because the city wants to come in and turn it into a place where rescue dogs can get methadone.

Damn San Francisco. I know.

Morgan: What? Lauren's moving?

Jeremy: Yep, she's made up her mind.

Apparently she's going back to Texas.

Okay, which one is Texas?

Is that where Boston is?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. So... Lauren's moving?

All I know is that she broke up with me because things got quite too complicated here.

Ah. Complicated.

Have another hug.

I don't want another hug.

I've had four.

Thank you though. So sweet.

Yeah, that can be... oh, yeah.

You... you take your time.

Sorry, buddy.

Huh, huh, huh, huh? [groans]

Your pokes are so hard.

Okay, I saw what you and Lauren were doing.

I saw you two kissing. What else did you do?

Nothing. Topless hugging?

No! Bottomless dancing?

No! Prove it.

Show me a photo of you two not doing it.

Okay. You can't.

Yes, I can. Okay.

I hope you're happy with yourself.

I am not happy with myself.

You think I have a chance with her now that she's moving to Texas?

When am I ever gonna be in Texas?

Besides the biggest paintball tournament in the world, but I'm gonna be playing paintball the whole time.

You're right. You're right.

Mindy: Hey, thank you so much for picking me up from the airport.

It's only been a couple of weeks, but you have so many more gray hairs.

When I first saw you, I thought you were Roger DeNiro.

Ma says it looks presidential. I don't know.

So what's with the surprise visit?

I still haven't fixed the headboard from last time.

Okay.

Yesterday, I was talking to Rob, and...

Hey, Danny? Hmm?

Your neighborhood sure does look different.

Where's the Freedom Tower? Oh, no.

It's not my neighborhood, knucklehead.

See, this is why Ma should be my Amazing Race partner.

Okay, but would she eat a bucket of worms?

I would.

Great. Now I'm hungry.

We're in Harlem.

Harlem? Yeah.

Are you taking me to the Apollo?

I can't go.

Katt Williams had me banned for laughing too hard.

Hold on a second. Hold on.

Okay, take a look at this.

See that building?

Oh, it's a really nice building.

Oh, no, not the nice one. The one right next to it.

Oh.

Babe, it's ours.

What?

A brownstone in Manhattan like you always wanted.

We can finally put down some roots.

This is it.

Wow, it's like the brothel that Don Draper was raised in.

Check this out. Okay.

Living room. Dot and Mom hang out there.

Babe, we got a backyard.

Right now, it's a pet cemetery, but not the haunted kind.

They got to disclose that.

You okay? Yeah.

It just... the last time we talked about living together, you were pretty resistant.

Yeah, well, since you've been away, I've realized how important it is that we're together.

Yeah. Together. Together. Here in New York.

Hey, uh, just a reminder, we should leave.

Human nighttime is rat daytime.

Thanks, Ray.

Is there a big rat problem?

No, it's no big deal.

No, it's... it's pretty bad.

It's a Temple of Doom type situation.

[scoffs] He's so over-the-top.

Yeah, it's a little, you know, rough around the edges.

But, hey, so was I when you first got your hands on me, right?

I love it.

It's everything I've ever wanted.

Guys, they're coming.

I'm out of here. I got kids.

Yeah, he's so dramatic about these rats.

It's not a big deal.

I mean, we're doing construction, but... Oh!

Okay, let's get out of here.

Guys, look who's here.

Hey, b*tches. The Bicoastal Babe is back.

#ItsHappening!

Who's here? Who's here? Lauren?

Is it Lauren? Is it L... Oh, it's you.

"It's you"? That's very rude, Jeremy.

Look, can you not ride me, please?

If you can't tell by my loosened Windsor, I'm going through a lot right now.

Okay, well...

Hey, girls.

I'm back! Did you miss me?

You were gone?

Well, of course she was gone.

She was picking up her Nobel Peace Prize.

Your head healed real nice.

She thinks you're Malala.

Damn it.

Okay, well, great.

Really great to see you.

Oh, hey.

I got about 20 minutes left.

There's a sign-up sheet over by Dr. Castellano's office.

Oh.

Oh. Whoa!

[thud] Ow.

Mindy: Guys, thanks for doing all my checkups simultaneously.

I wanted to do all my medical appointments before I went back to Palo Alto.

My God, your ear is like a wax museum.

I saw Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie statues in there.

I don't need a comedy routine.

[sighs]

What's wrong, Peter? You seem sad.

You haven't done that hilarious joke where you pretend to find something in there.

I'm actually glad I'm getting to do this exam on you today because you're the only one I can talk to about this.

What? Do you have a secret?

Ooh. Your secret's safe-ish with me.

So Lauren's moving back to Texas today, but between you and me, things were just kind of starting up again.

Starting up how?

They kissed. I saw the whole thing.

[gasps] Dude!

Um, your blood pressure is I billion over I million.

What's going on, man? You got to eat better.

I know. I'm just so stressed.

Do you think you could get me something to eat?

The breakfast sandwich with bacon, egg, cheese, ham?

Double bacon, double egg, double cheese.

Hash browns too? Yeah.

All right.

Okay, I am sorry that Lauren is moving to Texas, but it's her loss.

There's no guys like you there.

It's all just like oil tycoons and cowboys and football players.

Well, I mean, that sounds pretty...

I don't know.

What about you and Danny?

Things are going well there, huh?

Well, this is a secret.

I have this amazing opportunity to start a fertility clinic in San Francisco.

What? Yeah.

I just love it there so much.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

That's a huge move.

I know, but so was moving to Stanford in the first place.

Believe me, Peter, life doesn't move in steps.

It moves in huge leaps.

That's a line from Michelle Kwan's autobiography.

Michelle Kwan's not wrong.

Peter: Lauren? Lauren Neustadter?

Don't board that plane!

Peter? What are you doing?

How did you get back here?

I bought a $1,000 ticket to Winnipeg.

Totally worth it.

Can we go somewhere to talk, please?

But I'm group one.

I get to board early 'cause of Henry.

This is only take a minute, I swear.

Group one, passengers with small children.

Mm, o-okay. Okay.

Lauren, you and I, I think that we...

Group two, elderly passengers and active m*llitary.

Why not just put that in group one if you're gonna move it that fast?

Look, Lauren, I know you're not interested in dating anybody right now.

Yeah. But if you were just to maybe...

gate agent: Now a special boarding as we welcome the New York Philharmonic.

There goes your overhead space.

Look, Lauren, I want to be with you.

Life doesn't move in small steps.

It moves in leaps.

Peter, this is amazing, but I am moving to Austin.

I already bought a split-level ranch and a book about barbecue.

Wait, wait.

Tell me you don't want me to go with you, and I will go.

I can't tell you that.

gate agent: This is the final final boarding for people having a moment.

Oh, come on. I... I got to go.

They're gonna make me bag check Henry.

Good-bye, Peter.

Think about it.

Okay.

Bye.

Oh, my God, my baby.

You left... Yeah.

She was right there. She was watching. You're fine.

Bye, Peter. Bye. Bye.

Lauren: I'm sorry.

Bye, Henry.

Hey, awesome boyfriend. Do you have a minute?

I wanted to run something by you.

Mindy, I told you, I'm not gonna get an earring.

No, it's... It's actually...

Guys, I've got some incredibly major news.

I am effectively quitting Shulman & Associates and moving to Texas.

And I want to thank the one person that convinced me to keep Austin weird and follow my heart, Mindy Lahiri.

What?

I think he's talking to you, Malala.

What? Wait a minute.

Why on earth would you tell Peter to leave the practice?

I can't remember anything that I said.

It was a pap smear.

I was just focusing on not farting.

Not that focused. You still farted.

You know, Dr. I also told me to move to Texas, but I was like, "No.

I care about my coworkers too much."

No. No, no, no. I did not say that.

Oh, yeah, 'cause you haven't been talking to me for two months.

Tamra, I live in California.

How dare you, Peter? Chasing after Lauren.

If anybody should be dropping everything and moving to Texas, it's me.

You're gonna go to Texas?

Yes. Yes, I will.

Really?

Do you know, now is... ugh, it's a bad time.

No, no, no, no.

Pete, why would you abandon us like this?

We changed you from an unemployable pervert to an employable pervert.

And I will never forget that, and I appreciate it.

Guys, I can't talk about this anymore.

I got to go find an apartment in Texas on the off chance that Lauren doesn't want me to move in right away.

Peter... [door slams]

Okay, people aren't leaving here willy-nilly like that, okay?

That's not what we're doing here.

We have a contract.

Unless it's for something really important that you feel you must go to.

Absolutely not.

Just because you feel like doing something doesn't mean you can.

Is that what you wanted to tell me?

Mm-hmm. Yep.

That's exactly what I wanted to tell you.

I'm going to.

What?

Yeah.

I'm gonna go get a bubble tea.

I never had one before, but I got to follow my heart.

[cell phone buzzing]

Oh, God.

No. No!

[groans] Why did I quit my job?

[moans]

Oh, Gurgler. Oh.

You did it again, Gurgler. You did it again.

Mindy: Look, I know my going-away party for Peter is unpopular.

However, I do think that the comments on the online invite were excessively rude.

Sorry, I always speak my mind.

You look bad today.

I look like freakin' Spring Awakening right now.

I thr*aten to quit almost every week, and you never throw me a going-away party.

Except a couple times.

Okay, Peter didn't do anything wrong, you guys.

I think him moving for the life he wants is kind of brave.

Or selfish.

Jeremy: You know what the brave thing would be, would be not to follow your girlfriend and instead staying true to the condo lease agreement you signed the year before.

Daniel.

You know what I think's brave?

Asking your boss for a raise in front of your fellow employees.

[upbeat party music]

[indistinct chatter]

♪ ♪

Mindy?

I am so sorry, but I just caught two of my friends doing dr*gs off of this picture of your parents.

Oh, my God.

Why are you in here all alone?

What's going on?

Did Pube do something to you?

No.

I mean, he grabbed my ass, I like that.

Peter, I'm just sad that I can't even talk to Danny about wanting to take this job in San Francisco.

I mean, look at how he reacted to your news.

He didn't even show up to the party.

And that's just you.

Tough to hear it phrased that way, but I understand what you're saying.

I'm sorry.

A part of me feels guilty for even wanting any of this.

Up until now, all I've ever wanted was to live in Manhattan with Danny and our 12 daughters.

We'd have a reality show called Keeping Up With The Castellanos Plus Lahiri.

Hmm. It's a long title.

Yeah. But, look, Mindy.

You're allowed to change what they want in life.

People do it all the time.

But you know what I would do is, I would tell Danny.

Just be honest with him. He loves you.

He'll understand.

♪ ♪

Still here? Hey, pal.

Let me guess. You're skipping the party too?

Yeah, of course I am.

The gall of Peter, leaving us all in the lurch.

Who does he think he is?

Father? Mother?

Yeah, well, you never have to worry about that from me, okay?

I never bail on responsibility.

I still go upstate to water a tree I planted at camp.

Yeah, of course. We're gonna be fine.

We'll be fine. How are we gonna replace Peter?

Who's gonna insert a photo of his bottom into my slide presentations?

Or when he hands me my breakfast banana from his zipper.

He just... [snickers]

What an idiot. [laughing]

You know, there's a chance without Pete, Mindy and I wouldn't be together right now.

Peter: I want to thank everybody so much for coming tonight.

I know a lot of you canceled some very important plans to be here.

Yeah, no kidding.

When I first got to New York, I was a chubby, jerky, immature loser.

I would cry all night in front of my computer.

My only solace, a hand.

Maybe two.

Hear, hear. To groundin' and poundin'.

You know what I'm saying. Oh, God.

Anyway, then something awesome happened, something life-changing: a group of really cool vaginistas took me in.

Is he talking about just the doctors or also the support staff?

Shh!

Your "shh" was much louder than me.

Shhhh!

Anyway, I never do this, but I want to single someone out, someone who means so much to me.

Mindy Lahiri.

I don't think I'd be here today without you.

You have shown me so...

Hey, cool! Danny and Jeremy came.

Oh, hey, guys. What's up?

I was just... it doesn't matter.

What's going on? Oh, it's so good to see you.

Hey, man.

I am so happy you guys came. Thank you.

Hey, look, you're a great friend, and you should do whatever you need to do.

And Jeremy and Mindy and I, we're gonna hold down the practice.

Mindy: Now tell him you love him.

Tell him that you'll love him forever.

Yeah, I think the sentiment is covered.

I don't do that. Just tell him.

I get it. We get it. "Bon voyage"?

Mindy! You decided to do it?

Oh, thank God.

I already sent a really gloating email to my alumni magazine.

Wait, Ron. Why would you do that?

Because life moves in leaps, not steps.

Haven't you read Michelle Kwan's autobiography?

We cannot do this here right now, okay?

Wait a minute. Wait.

Do... do what?

You, me, and Mindy starting a practice in San Francisco, huh?

[laughs] I'm so happy.

[plastic cup clatters]

Oh! Oh, my God!

Morgan: Dr. L, if you are going to San Francisco, what can you offer me in terms of relocation package?

Mindy and I aren't moving to San Francisco.

Is this a prank?

San Francisco is the worst...

[all agreeing]

Because of all the Chinese.

You said it. Wait. No, no, no. [all murmuring]

No, San Francisco is not the worst.

It's beautiful, and it's inspiring.

And it's made me my best self.

I'm a better leader. I'm kinder.

[all boo]

Okay, shut the hell up, trash.

Okay, just leave her alone, okay?

I'm sorry San Francisco doesn't have everything New York does, with your bedbugs, your cold, your pathetic excuse for a Chinatown.

Yeah, our dim sum's incomparable.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Fight! Fight! Go! Go!

[New York accent] So youse two have been planning this behind my back?

Oh, no, Danny.

You only talk ethnic when you're really furious.

Okay, listen, I was going to tell you, I promise.

You don't really want to do this, do you?

Maybe.

Yeah, I mean, at least I want to talk about it.

I bought us a house. I know.

Good job, guy from San Francisco.

You made Danny leave my party. He just got here.

Well, enjoy the West Coast.

I'd like to have everyone's attention.

I am also moving.

I am moving from the basement of my grandmother's house to the attic.

Hey, dude. What's up?

Hey.

How'd you know which brownstone was ours?

Oh, there's a tiny rivulet of sweat running out to the street.

So you want to tell me what that wall did to you?

Hey, man, I don't understand.

Why is she moving away?

She wants to get away from me?

No, dude, the girl's obsessed with you.

She has a mold of your penis as her keychain.

I think this fertility clinic is just a big opportunity for her, for the practice, and for you.

Well, not for me. I mean, I live here.

I live in New York. This is my home.

Home is where the person you love is.

That's why I'm moving to Texas.

Now can I please...

Yeah. Thank you.

Okay, no... [both shouting]

All right, give me a bucket!

No! What? I'm helping you.

Cover it!

I'm trying! I...

What's up?

Hey.

Oh, God.

Did you inhale these again?

I know, I just thought an apology would be funnier if I did it in my Mickey Mouse voice.

[high-pitched] Hey, Danny.

I'm sorry you thought I was gonna go to San Francisco.

[normal voice] I don't know what to do, Danny.

I know that you'll never move to San Francisco, but I'm also worried that I'm gonna regret it for the rest of my life if I don't do it.

I get it, people change.

I mean, there are so many things I couldn't picture myself doing or liking before I met you.

And that's why I love you.

But I can only change so much.

Anyway, you wouldn't like me if I became a different person.

You wouldn't like me.

You're right.

So what do we do?

[gentle guitar music]

♪ ♪

I don't know.

I don't know.

♪ April ♪
♪ Come she will ♪
♪ When streams are ripe and swelled with rain ♪
♪ May, she will stay ♪
♪ The autumn winds blow chilly and cold ♪
♪ September, I'll remember ♪
♪ A love once new has now grown old ♪
♪ ♪

[phone rings]

Hey, Peter.

I was gonna call you.

I feel like I didn't get to say good-bye.

Yeah, I'm sorry I ghosted back there.

I just... I thought it would be too hard.

You're kind of my best friend.

Oh, my God.

I think you're my best friend too.

You know, I'm also your doctor, and your lab results came back.

Oh, no.

Peter, I could have gotten it from anywhere.

I used a gas station toilet.

I wore a bathing suit that I found in the street.

No, dummy.

You're pregnant.

Exsqueeze me?

[imitating Borat] Very nice, my child.

[normal voice] I mean, it's... it's not mine.

Is it? I'm just kidding.

It's Danny's? I hope?

Okay, tell me how it happened. But wait.

I want to hit record on my phone.