03x16 - Lahiri Family Values

[bunniefuu]

Mindy: Every girl dreams of her perfect proposal, but when I imagined the day that Danny Castellano would propose, I did not imagine it would look like this.

I can't believe we're having a baby.

Okay. Get up.

Get your stuff. Let's go. We're going down to City Hall.

What? Why?

For a quickie shame wedding.

Quickie shame wedding?

Yeah, we say the baby was conceived today.

Seven months from now, we can be like, "Oh, wow, we had an 11-pound premie."

Boom, we're good with God.

Let's go. Grab it.

No, no, I don't want you to propose out of shame.

It should be out of love or, at a minimum, for ratings for a reality show, Danny, and certainly not in the doctors' longue late at night when Morgan is sleeping with his hands down his pants five feet away.

[snoring]

Okay, yeah, maybe now's not the best time.

[hip-hop music]

Hey, buddy boy. What's going on in there?

You make any new friends?

You meet the guts, the kidneys?

Hey, don't let anybody push you around, okay?

You're a Castellano. I love you.

That's very sweet, but you know what?

I actually need to pack.

Otherwise I'm gonna miss my flight.

Hold on a second. I just want to go over the state capitals with him one more time.

No, do not make him a nerd.

Okay.

I'm gonna be a dad.

Okay, are you sure you want to go back to San Francisco?

Why don't you stay here in New York?

You could work until the little guy comes and then quit and take care of him and make sauce.

Danny, this is not Boko Haram.

All right? I'm not gonna quit my job.

I still want to start that fertility clinic with Rob.

Okay, but you're pregnant.

It's the 20th century.

A woman can have professional ambitions and still have a family, I mean rich women.

I get it, but sometimes family has to come first, and your family... our family... is here in New York City.

Well, I have family in San Francisco.

Who, your brother Rishi?

You haven't seen him once since you've been out there.

Hey, we have made several lunch plans, and, yes, he canceled them all, but always for a good reason.

Like, one time, he was working on this really dope rap.

The other time, he fell asleep. hm...

But it doesn't matter.

The only family that matters now is you, me, and little Mindy.

Now, I have to get on a plane.

I'll move to San Francisco with you.

Really?

Yeah.

To San Francisco?

I kind of like San Francisco.

San Francisco... it's grown on me.

I don't mind wearing a fleece to a restaurant.

It's cool.

What about your mom?

I'll fly home every Sunday.

Take her to church. But that's not important.

What's important is exactly what you just said... this, us, the three of us.

Thank you, Danny.

I love you.

I love you.

Okay, you, pack your bags. Go to San Francisco.

And I'm gonna stay here in New York, and I'm gonna break the news to Jeremy. He's not gonna be happy, 'cause, you know, we're leaving him in the lurch. It's not cool.

Just tell him I'm pregnant.

What? No, are you nuts?

No, no, no, no.

We're not telling anyone until your second trimester.

That's how it works.

Danny, that's such a long time from now. What if I forget?

And, you, you'll tell me if she blabs, right?

We stick together. Ah, I love this guy.

Okay, it's probably a girl.

No, no, no, it's a boy. I can hear his penis.

What?

Oh, yeah, it's big.

Oh, God.

Danny: Oh, just the guy I was looking for.

Jeremy, I need to talk to you about something.

Yeah, of course.

Hold those doors. Oh!

Cliff, how's it going? Haven't seen you in a while.

Yeah, I'm actually doing really well.

It's a good time to be a divorce attorney. I'll tell you that.

Three years after gay marriage, and those divorces are finally rolling in.

We're actually moving to nicer offices.

Oh, wonderful. See, everybody is moving to greener pastures: Peter, Lauren, Mindy.

You know what the brave thing would be?

Be stay behind in your dry, brown pasture that but for a spark might set ablaze.

Sure, well, let me know if you hear of anyone looking for office space.

Oh, Danny, what was it you wanted to tell me?

Uh...

I wanted to... Do you want my watch?

Do I want your watch?

Yeah.

Yes, please.

[whispering] Son of a bitch.

What?

Nothing, take it.

Thanks.

Huh.

Morgan: Yeah, this guy in the subway, I asked him if he was done with his coffee, and he was sleeping, so took it.

Wait a minute, Morgan, is that a dad penguin protecting his baby penguin from the Arctic cold?

Well, yeah, it's the "Nature's Dads" issue, so good call, Eisenstein.

[chuckles]

Can I borrow it?

Yeah, sure.

So cute, it's just nestled up next to him.

Uh, thanks for meeting me here Mindy.

God, I hope my credit's okay.

You know what, Rob? Whatever happens, we're in this together.

So unfortunately, you have been denied for your small business loan.

What? Damn it, Gurgler. I'll k*ll you. What have you been doing?

Because of your credit, Miss Lahiri.

Ex-squeeze me?

No, no, no, no, I don't think so.

I have exquisite credit. I have 25 credit cards.

It's not that.

It says you were a guarantor for an apartment that defaulted.

Oh, no. The apartment that I cosigned with my little brother.

Mindy: Wait, fine, my credit's bad. Do you accept street cred?

Well, Dr. Gurgler's credit is fine.

He could take out the loan in just his name.

So I-I have to assume all financial responsibility?

No, I'm a coward in every sense of the word.

One second, please.

Hey, man, I just convinced Danny to move out to California.

This is a man who thinks America ends with Nebraska.

Just... I don't want to give up on this practice already.

It's gonna be so amazing.

Yeah, it is.

Okay, fine, I'll take out the loan.

Thank you. Hear that, little Mindy?

We're gonna be a-okay.

Who's little Mindy?

Um, uh, it's just what I call my crotch.

Oh.

Danny: Thanks for meeting on such short notice, Mel.

I want to amend my will.

So you no longer wish to leave your estate to Annette Castellano and the Priests of St.Anthony's Defense Fund.

No, I still want to do that.

I also want to include Mindy Lahiri to it.

Why? That woman is terrible with money.

Yeah...

She opened up another credit card last week for a free cupcake.

Yeah, well, circumstances have changed, Mel, and I need to make sure she's taken care of.

Hey, I have some papers for you to sign.

Yeah...

Excuse me, Mel.

I am starting an autograph collection.

You guys continue with what you were saying.

No, I'm good.

You sure?

Yeah, get out of here.

I got to go.

Well, Danny, I can make that change to your will in a couple of days.

Great, 'cause I need all my affairs in order this week.

Danny: I don't have much time.

Mel: Well, I hate to do it, but okay.

Morgan: Come on, get in, get in.

Fine. All right.

Oh, my God.

This better be good, Morgan.

The reason I called y'all in here...

Dr. C is dying.

[both gasp]

What?

Which one's Dr. C?

[groans]

[phone rings]

Mindy: Hey, Cliff.

It's Mindy, your favorite ex-girlfriend.

Cliff: Oh, wow, I'm actually surprised to hear from you.

I'm fairly certain I blocked your number.

Mindy: Okay, here's the deal.

I need some pro bono legal advice.

Who do I sue to fix my credit score?

Mindy, I don't have time for this, okay? I'm very busy, all right?

I'm trying to unload my office space. I got movers here right now.

Oh, cool. Where are you going?

Oh, well, you know... It's a funny... [phone beeps] story, actually.

Hello? Hello! Damn it, Cliff.

Rishi, it's your sister. Open this door this minute.

Hey, how you doing? Get in here, okay?

My landlord... he can't catch me outside.

What?

But he can't do anything to me in here, 'cause California's got mad squatters' rights, son.

That is not how squatters' rights work.

Come here, come here. I missed you so much.

I missed you too.

What the hell, man? Why haven't you paid your rent?

You totally ruined my credit.

Sorry, woman, it's just that I'm a rapper now, and that comes with cash flow problems.

♪ It got hard ♪
♪ I couldn't pay my bills ♪
♪ Now I'm down in the alley ♪
♪ Giving b*tches their thrills ♪

That last part's not true, okay?

I haven't gotten laid in six months. I'm pretty lonely.

Okay, well, that rap was mad tight, but I am mad-mad at you.

Rishi, you cannot be this little idiot that I have to take care of anymore, 'cause... spoiler alert... there's gonna be a new stupid, little idiot that I have to take care of.

Yeah, I'm gonna have a baby.

You're gonna... In there?

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

It makes perfect sense. You're totally showing.

No.

Yeah.

Not yet, not yet. It's months too early. Don't go down this path.

Oh, my mistake. Well, anyway, you should sit down, all right?

Oh, my gosh, wow.

You haven't told Mom and Dad, have you?

Have I told Mom and Dad that I am unmarried and pregnant with a white man's baby?

No, there is a world in which I never tell them.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna be an uncle. I cannot believe it.

I'm gonna steal his little nose, and I'm gonna learn how to do magic.

I'm gonna take quarters out from behind his little ears.

What quarters, Rishi? You have no money.

I know, but I'm working on stuff.

I've been picking up some odd jobs.

Come on, Rishi, you have a degree in biology.

You can get a job...

Wait, you could be a med tech at my new practice.

Really? You think I'd be good at that?

No, but no one except your sister is ever gonna hire you.

Okay, but first you're gonna have to interview with my partner, so please, go put on some clothes.

Jeremy: Morgan, you're being dramatic.

I don't see how that is necessary.

We never use the white board.

Danny is not dying, guys.

He's the healthiest person I know. His favorite junk food is raisins.

Well, he has been hella emo lately.

Also, also, he changed his will today, and he bought a gravestone?

Danny: Okay, where is everyone? I'm signing for packages out here. change that, Morgan hurry change that What are you guys doing? What's up?

Morgan, I told you I'm not buying lunch anymore, okay?

The last time, you ordered a T-shirt from the deli.

Okay, I know you're angry, and I want you to know that I hear you, and that's okay to feel like that.

Yeah, I know. Thanks.

Are you free tonight?

No, I have plans.

But I think grandmother wants to bail.

I obviously not looking in your direction.

You want to come over to my place tonight?

There's ah something really important I need to talk to you about.

It's all good. Morgan: I'm so sorry.

I don't know if you're talking to me or not. It's a little confusing.

Sure, of course I can come over. Whatever you need.

Great.

[all whispering at once]

Hey, guys.

Shh.

I know I don't say this a lot, but... [inhales, exhales deeply]

You're great coworkers and amazing friends. Thanks.

[hums Death March]

So, Rishi, when Mindy said we should hire the guy who ruined her credit, I was concerned. Yeah, you know, I would be too.

It's just... I was going through a really emotional time, and I don't know, Dr. Gurgler, if you've ever been through anything like that.

Well, actually I have.

I recently went through a devastating breakup, even had a good cry in the car on the way over here.

But, um, anyway, all is forgiven.

Yeah, boy.

You're the man now, dog.

That is very sweet.

Now, Rishi, why don't you tell him a little bit about your freelancing?

Oh, that's great. Ah do you have a reference we can call?

Uh, yes, I do, actually, and he'd love to talk with you.

I don't know his name, but if he were here right now...

Sorry, what do you mean you don't know his name?

I don't know. We just call him Big m*rder.

[phone rings]

Your boss's name is Big m*rder?

Listen, I've got a very pressing work matter that requires my immediate attention, so I gots to go, but I'll be right back.

Yeah, I'm sor... Wait, what?

Rishi.

Rishi!

Look, I know he's your brother, but...

Listen, I know this has to be a business decision, but Rishi is not a charity case.

He got good grades at Stanford, and I can tell you he is a good kid.

Is he? 'cause it looks like he's outside dealing dr*gs.

♪ ♪

I cannot believe you are a drug dealer.

Whoa, all right, I am barely a drug dealer.

I just sell weed and, like, everything else.

You know what? I'm gonna call Mom and Dad.

And they're gonna k*ll you, and then you're gonna get reincarnated, and they're gonna k*ll you again.

Yeah, fine, you call them, okay? 'Cause I'm gonna call 'em, and I'm gonna tell 'em you're knocked up.

Wait, no, no, don't. do that. Fine, mine is worse.

But you know what?

I'm happy this happened, because I almost hired a stupid drug dealer to come work at my practice.

Oh, hey, you might not believe this, but marijuana legalization is an issue that I'm really passionate about.

Oh, do not try to take the high road on this one.

Mindy Jr., listen up, this rant... it applies to you.

Marijuana is the worst. It makes you fat and lazy.

Is that what you think America's problem is?

There's not enough fat and lazy people?

At least cocaine has an industrious spirit.

"Oh, I'm gonna sell stocks on Wall Street faster.

Oh, I need to dance more."

You know what? You're coming with me.

We're gonna go to your boss, and you're gonna quit.

Okay, fine, I'll quit. All right, just relax.

We're in public. You're illing my steez.

Talk normal! Come on!

Danny: Hey, thanks for coming. Have a seat, man.

[sighing]

Look, Jeremy, um I'm not gonna be at the practice anymore, because, well, I'm not gonna be here.

Oh, my God. Morgan was right.

What?

Don't say anything else. Danny, I know.

You do?

Yeah.

Danny, I'm so sorry.

What? You're sorry? Look, Jeremy, I'm sorry.

I mean, I'm abandoning the practice.

The very fact that you're even thinking about the practice at a time like this... it's a testament to the selfless way you lived... live your life.

Well, thanks, pal.

You're taking it amazingly.

I have to ask you, aren't you afraid?

Yeah, I don't want to leave. I'm gonna miss you guys, not to mention New York-style pizza.

You don't know. Maybe they have that there.

Nah, it's all Chinese food and tacos.

Hey, I'll tell you this much, I'm gonna come back and visit you.

Oh, my aunt lmogen does that to warn me of things.

Cool.

How about Mindy? What did she say?

Oh, she was happy.

She said it was the best present I ever gave her.

What?

Yeah.

What a monster.

Ah, she's okay.

Hey, you want a drink?

Get you a scotch?

Just a second.

Okay.

Just a minute longer.

Yup.

Get in, get in, get in.

Okay, okay. Whew.

How'd it go?

Yeah, so Big m*rder... he wouldn't let me quit, but I think it's for the best, you know?

What? He gonna force you to be a drug dealer?

Seems that way, yeah.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

It's gonna be okay.

I just came here to start a fertility clinic. No, no. No.

What are you doing?

Woman, where are you going?

Do not tell your father about this.

Hey, you can't k*ll me! I tweeted I was coming here.

Leo, I got you covered for award season.

All right, I have to go.

May I help you?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I am looking for Big m*rder.

What are you, like, his math tutor?

You know, I became a drug dealer to break stereotypes like that.

Wait, you're Big m*rder?

They call me Big m*rder because I k*lled it business school, but my friends call me Greg, and I don't know what our dynamic is yet.

Oh.

Well, it is... it is bad.

How dare you, sir, menace my little brother into working for you, okay?

The only one that gets to menace him is me.

I didn't menace him.

I offered him a raise, and he accepted... 20%.

What?

Rishi, what the hell is wrong with you?

Look, I'm sorry, but what was I supposed to do, okay?

You're not gonna hire me, and I called up Silicon Valley to get a job, and they offered me something in HR.

What is that?

Rishi's making a smart business move.

He told me you were only gonna pay him minimum wage.

Oh, boo-hoo.

First of all, in San Francisco, minimum wage is, like, $5 million an hour.

He's worth it.

He spearheaded our day after Thanksgiving Green Friday sale.

He's one of my best guys.

Really?

Yes.

Thank you, Big m*rder.

I'm sorry.

Are you getting validation from this guy?

What? No.

Oh, my God, you straight up love this dude.

I thought you were in this for the dollar, dollar bill, y'all, but really, you just like the feeling of someone believing in you.

Yeah, why wouldn't I?

Everyone else thinks I'm a screw-up.

I can't pay bills, and did you know that I keep my side-view mirrors attached with straight up derkt tape?

Rishi, I don't think you're a screw-up.

Look, I'm sorry that I'm so hard on you.

And, yeah, I know that Greg is handsome and cool and that photo implies that he owns a boat.

I do.

Wish I could get down to the marina more often.

But I'm your sister, and I have your back.

And you know what? You can still work for me.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

I can offer you a 30% raise, and you can throw a party on the HMS THC.

I mean, I never use it.

Ooh, that's interesting. Sis, counter offer.

Okay, my counter offer is that if you continue to be a drug dealer, I will k*ll you.

Then I will k*ll Greg, and I will burn this building to the ground.

Okay, well, then I will be in the car.

Thanks.

I'll never forget you, Big m*rder.

Get out of here. No, you're not gonna keep in touch with him.

You know what? I'm on to you.

With your perfect face and your awesome suit.

No, I'm not as stupid as my hotness would imply.

You know, Dr. Lahiri, I could offer you seven figures a year writing phony prescriptions.

I'm in.

I am not in. Good test, though.

Thank you, Greg. Great to meet you.

Good-bye.

[indistinct conversation]

What's going on? What, are you throwing a party?

I had my dessert for the day, a cup of orange juice, so...

Danny, in the light of your departure, the office has put together a little tribute for you.

For me?

Yeah.

Wow, guys, that's really nice of you. Thank you.

Morgan and I wrote a song.

You ready.

both: ♪ We're gonna miss you, Dr. C ♪
♪ We're gonna miss those eyebrows ♪

I cannot do it. I'm sorry. I don't understand. Why is this happening?

You're too young and beautiful to die.

What? I'm not dying. I'm going to San Francisco.

Wait, what?

Yeah, I told you that last night.

No, no, no, you told me to my face, "I'm dying. Take care of Mindy.

And by 'take care of,' I mean sexually."

Okay, I never said that.

Why would Morgan make that up?

Thank you.

How can you and Mindy leave?

What's gonna happen to the rest of us?

I refuse to work anywhere else.

I love being a paralegal here.

Guys, I'm so sorry for the confusion.

You know what? Don't apologize to us.

Apologize to the Stanton Island Catholic Boys' Choir.

boys: ♪ Amazing grace ♪
♪ How sweet ♪

boy: You're not dying?

We were supposed to sing at a bank opening today.

Look, I'm sorry, kids. I'm a big booster of you guys.

You'll understand one day. I did it for a girl.

all: Eww.

"Eww," indeed. Danny, aren't you ashamed, disappointing singing children like that? You make me sick.

You know, when you were dying, we all loved you.

Now you're my least favorite person in the office.

You're no one to me!

You know what? I've had it with you guys.

Okay, I'm moving away 'cause Mindy's pregnant.

boys: Eww.

Wait, for reals?

Yeah.

[laughs]

Are you serious? Oh my golly.

Yeah.

[all talking at once]

Oh, oh, Morgan Grandmother Castellano. That's got a good ring to it.

Mindy: Hey, there you are.

I have great news.

I sorted everything out with Rishi. He's no longer a drug dealer, so he can work at the practice now.

Are you insane? No!

All right, this is not some two-bit family business where you can store your unemployable relatives.

This is not Wahlburgers.

Okay, Rob, listen.

I know that hiring Rishi would be a risky business decision.

Yes.

But he's my brother, Rob, and more than that, I want to work at a place that gives people second chances.

At my old practice, basically everyone there was damaged goods.

Yeah, well, no wonder you wanted to leave that place.

[sighs]

Yeah, well, maybe I don't want to.

Wait.

What are you saying?

I don't know, maybe Mark and Donnie Wahlberg are on to something.

Maybe when you're starting a business, only three things should matter: family, second chances, and juicy, delicious hamburgers.

I'll pay you back for the loan, but we're done.

I'm sorry, Rob. Good-bye.

What? Mindy, Mindy!

Mark and Donnie Wahlberg are never on to something!

Mindy: I can't believe I'm leaving Stanford early, just another pregnant teen drop-out.

I mean, I just feel like such a failure.

Rob was my one sh*t to get my own fertility practice.

Well, what makes you think that that white man is the only reason you can have your own practice?

I mean, in terms of entitlement and personality, you the whitest man I know.

God, Rishi, that's, like, the nicest thing that anyone's ever said to me, but how am I supposed to do it now?

All alone, expecting a baby? Come on.

Well, why not, huh?

I'm doing this fellowship on my own, and I have Neil.

Sure, it's more work than I ever had before, but with my son, I have a better reason to work than I ever had before.

Huh. My own practice.

Even if I wanted to, where would I even start?

Danny: Oh, hey, Cliff.

Danny, how are you?

Good, how you doing?

I'm good.

Hey, I heard the big news. Congratulations.

Well, got to tell you, we're really excited.

Yeah, yeah, and you're the father?

Yes, of course I'm the father.

Okay.

You know, Cliff, you may not know this, but Mindy and I are a great couple.

Okay, cool.

Hey, you know, she called me the other day.

She did? Wait, why?

I don't know. Oh, that's funny. She's calling me again right now.

She is?

Yeah.

Mindy, hey.

Hey, Cliff.

Hey, do you still have that office space available?

My office space? Yeah, it is. Why do you ask?

Because I want it.

You want it?

Wait, what?